The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 566 to 582
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 566

Show

One for the FAQ
Roy, Oracle, Celia, Belkar

Roy: Hey! Oracle! Can you hear me? Helloooooo? ... Are you not ABLE to hear me, or are you just ignoring me? Yo mama's so fat, they use a grapefruit for her miniature. Yo mama's so fat, she can't even see her feats. Yo mama's so fat, her Speed is listed as, “Hell no!” ...Crap, he can't hear me.
Oracle: Hey, look, return customers. Aren't I lucky? No. No, I am not.
Celia: Wait, the Oracle is a kobold? I thought you guys said he was a halfling.
Belkar: He WAS a halfling!
Oracle: Yeah, yeah, there's a memory charm on the entire valley that makes you forget everything except your specific questions and answers, and your mind fills in the missing details later, blah blah blah. But since everyone else can just look back through the archives, why don't we cut the recap and get on with it?
Haley: Our leader, Roy, is dead.
Oracle: As the metaphorical doornail.
Haley: His body is in a cart outside. We want you to raise him from the dead. Just tell me how much it'll cost, and we'll go earn the gold.
Oracle: Oh, I see. Yeah, this sort of mix up happens all the time. I'm not a cleric.
Haley: You're not?
Oracle: I'm what you would call, “naturally gifted.” The Dragon Queen has blessed me with visions of the future without requiring me to earn a bunch of cleric class levels first. It's sort of like getting an honorary Ph.D.
Roy: Sounds more like your mom making you vice president of the family company right after you finish college.
Celia: How exactly do your future visions work, then?
Oracle: Pixie dust.
Celia: Actually, I'm pretty familiar with pixies, and I don't think-
Oracle: Kobold dust.
Celia: Oh.
Oracle: So yeah, I have as much chance of bringing back your leader as I do of scoring with Grendel's hot mom.
Haley: Darn it! I was sure we'd be able to get Roy raised here.
Celia: Well, hold on. We can still ask him questions, can't we?
Haley: Oh, right! Like, “How can we contact Durkon?”
Celia: Or, “Where is the nearest Good-aligned cleric who can ressurect Roy?”
Belkar: Or, “What strip clubs won't kick you out if your hands 'slip' during a lap dance?” What? I can't help you save the world if some bouncer breaks both my arms, can I? I'm thinking of the team first here!

Spoiler: Strip 567

Show

The Simplest Explanation
Oracle, Haley, Belkar, Celia, Roy

Oracle: OK, so let me just get in my oracular trance thingie...
Haley: Great! We have just enough for three questions.
Belkar: Nah, you know what? Don't bother, Haley. Save your money. This guy's answers aren't worth a copper piece.
Oracle: Excuse me? I'll have you know my answers come with a money-back guarentee.
Belkar: Yeah? Then get the assistant manager out here, I want a refund.
Oracle: And I want to play center for the Toronto Raptors, but we're both out of luck, Cueball. Your prophecy has already been fulfilled.
Beklar: What?! That's ridiculous! I didn't get to kill ANT of those people.
Celia: What, Belkar, what did you ask?
Belkar: I asked whether I would kill Roy, Miko, Miko's horse, Vaarsuvius, or the oracle. And all he said was, “yes”. It was completely useless, and definitely hasn't come true yet.
Oracle: On the contrary, my dimwitted friend. You caused the death of Roy.
Celia: What?!
Oracle: It's true.
Haley: Uh, no. Xykon killed Roy. I saw it myself.
Roy: Yeah, I know the difference between a dagger and a rock when it goes through my skull!
Oracle: No, it was the fall from the zombie dragon that killed him. And Belkar gave Roy his Ring of Jumping +20, which allowed him to leap onto the back of the dragon in the first place. He caused that fall to be possible; without the ring, Roy would've faced Xykon on solid ground.
Belkar: So you're saying that Roy wouldn't have died if he had fought Xykon on the ground?
Oracle: What? No, don't be dense. If Roy had found a way to duel Xykon on the ground, he probably would've died anyway. Dude is frickin' scary. But at least then, there wouldn't have been a direct link between your little side wager with the thief and your leader's demise.
Roy: Wager? You BET on my life??
Celia: I'm sorry, but that's a stretch. Giving someone a ring is not the same as killing them!
Oracle: Objection overruled, Counselor. Never said he “killed” Roy, just that he “caused the death” of him. Which is what the idiot technically asked me that day. And like any effect, that splat had many causes, such as gravity, the geological composition of the Southern Lands, a butterfly flapping its tiny wings somewhere, and an alarming deficit of jetpacks. And, I might add, your own lack of information about your boytoy's physical capabilities. Well, beyond those capabilities that were necessary for him to throw you down on the-
Celia: HEY!
Roy: HEY!
Belkar: That's the worst thing I've ever heard!
Oracle: I know, you mammals are disgusting when you mate.
Belkar: No, I mean saying that I caused Roy's death. That doesn't count.
Oracle: OK, OK, fine. How about this one then: You also caused the death of the paladin, Miko Miyazaki.
Haley: Miko's dead?
Roy: Huh.
Belkar: And so, the lives of the reasonable and pragmatic were once again safe. But what does that have to do with me?
Oracle: Everything, really. She became convinced that the Order of the Stick was evil largely because they rallied to defend YOU in Lord Shojo's throne room. This led her to conclude that you were working with Xykon, which in turn led her to believe that Shojo was working with Xykon. This directly led her to killing Shojo, being imprisoned and dying when the castle exploded.
Belkar: That's even dumber than the first one!!
Haley: Yeah, I mean, not that I wanted Belkar to kill anyone, but those are both pretty lame interpretations.
Oracle: You caused the death of her horse, too. If we choose to define “death” as our spirit being trapped in the Afterlife, then when you-
Belkar: You weasely little piece of dragon crap, that's not what I meant and you KNOW it!!
Oracle: And as for the elf-
Belkar: Just shut up!! Wait, you know what? Never mind. He's convinced me, my prophecy HAS come true.
Haley: Are you sure? Because I think you have a pretty strong case for that refund.
Belkar: Oh, I'm positive.
<sfx> shthlunk!
Oracle: Yeah... I wasn't really buying those theories either... Worth a shot tho...

Spoiler: Strip 568

Show

A Sign That You Have a Problem
Haley, Belkar, Celia

Haley: BELKAR!!
Belkar: What? He totally had it coming. Now hold his feet, I want to turn his head into a litter box for Mr. Scruffy.
Haley: I cannot believe you! I just cannot BELIEVE you!
Belkar: Really? Because the whole kobold-head-into-an-object thing is sort of a running gag with me.
Haley: You killed the Oracle!
Belkar: Yeah, so? He was a kobold! You told me it was OK to kill monsters!
Haley: We were gonna get answers! Answers that may have led to getting Roy back!
Belkar: Answers that would have been obscure and useless!
Haley: The one he gave me wasn't! He told me not to look the gift horse in the mouth, which I did when I accepted Nale's invitation to dinner without examing my suspicions too closely. That directly lead to me getting my voice back!
Belkar: Yeah, but who really cares about your inner turmoil crap anyway? People tune in to watch me stab things.
Haley: I swear, I'm going to-
Belkar: Oh, don't get your thong in a twist, Haley. Come on, we can search for treasure. All that meaty character development hasn't made you stop loving treasure, has it?
Haley: Fine. But only because we still need money to get Roy raised. Don't think you're off the hook for this yet.
Belkar: Yeah, yeah.
Celia: Actually, I don't think he's off the hook at all. Take a look out the back window.
<sign text> Welcome to the village of LICKMYORANGBALLSHALFLING. Founded: Last week. Pop.: Just enough. "No, seriously, give 'em a good once-over!"
Belkar: I don't get it. What does that - mean? AAAAHHHHH!

Spoiler: Strip 569

Show

Justice Can Be A Messy Business
Illusory Lord Shojo, Roy, Belkar, Haley, Celia

Illusory Lord Shojo: Hello. This is the giant illusory head of Lord Shojo speaking.
Belkar: Nnnnnh!!!!
Illusion of Lord Shojo: If you're seeing this implanted message, you have violated the terms of your Greater Mark of Justice- -because you inflicted lethal damage within the bounds on a city, town, or village, strayed more than one mile from Roy, or cheesed Roy off enough for him to say the magic command word.
Roy: Well, I guess I can finally stop worrying about accidentally saying the word “squiddley-doodlefluffer” in casual conversation.
Illusory Lord Shojo: The designated curse will now take into effect. Sucks to be you, I guess.
Belkar: Ugh... That scaly oracular bastard set me up! Being a litter box is too good for his head! Actually, you know... that pain was pretty bad, but this isn't too horrible. Just sort of a low-grade headache. I can't believe I was so worried about the- *BLERRRGH* Ugh... OK, that was disgusting, but still, not really all that- *BLUUUURPGCH!* *HnhFLERRRGH!* *hurrAGG!* ... *huuurrrAAAGG!* OK...OK, that has to be all that's in my stomach, so the worst of it is over.
Haley: See?!? This is what you get for killing someone who-
Belkar: *BLURRRRG!*
Haley: Hey!
Celia: And that's what you get for not reigning him in earlier. If you had properly punished him when he killed that poor gnome-
Belkar: *hunh* *hunh* *hunh* *hunh* *HNORRRRRRF!*
Celia: Aaah!! Oh gods, my mouth was open!! Oh gods! I'm gonna be sick!
Haley: How about we put a moratorium on, “I told you so's,” if only for our own protection?
Belkar: Unnnh....
Roy: I've never been so happy to be incorporeal.

Spoiler: Strip 570

Show

Clean Slate
Belkar, Celia, Haley

Belkar: Wait, Haley, where are you going? There's still treasure in the tower!
Haley: Booby-trapped Oracle treasure? No thanks.
Celia: I count ourselves lucky that he didn't rig the washroom to explode. And that Haley carries a lot of clothes that she doesn't wear.
Haley: We're leaving. Probably to Cliffport like we planned.
Belkar: Well wait up, I need to ride in the cart. I can barely stand.
Haley: Sorry. The cart is full.
Belkar: Huh? There's as much room as there was when we got here.
Haley: The cart. Is. Full. You're not coming with us, Belkar. Stay here, or go somewhere else, I don't care. I already told you I was only keeping you around because you were useful, and your usefullness is now as lost as your lunch.
Belkar: What, because I'm puking? Puh-lease. I bet a cleric can fix this without breaking a sweat.
Haley: No, not because you're puking, Belkar, because you killed someone we needed! Even if you stopped vomiting right no, it wouldn't change the fact that I can't count on you! You've been on the fence between asset and liability for a while, and you just dove headfirst down the liability side. Since I don't think you're in any shape to force me to take you, this is where we part company. You're out. As official acting leader of the Order of the Stick, I hereby revoke your membership. I only wish we had ID cards so I could tear yours up.
Celia: Well, it's about time that you-
Haley: Celia, it would really behoove you to shut the hell up right now.
Celia: ... Yeah, OK.
Belkar: No, wait, listen! I just need a ride into Greysky City! It's on the way!
Haley: No.
Belkar: Come on! Just a ride, you owe me that much!
Haley: I don't owe you anything, Belkar.
Belkar: Haley? Haley, you can't-
<sign text> You are now leaving SUNKEN VALLEY Don't come again.
Haley: Huh.
Celia: What just happened?
Haley: I don't know.
Celia: How did we get turned around?
Haley: Or change clothes?
Belkar: ...Guys, I do not feel good for some reason...
Haley: Well, Roy's still dead... and I don't remember any questions being answered.
Celia: Maybe she wasn't home? ...So we showered?
Haley: Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Sort of.
Belkar: *BLAARGF*
Celia: Oh, Belkar! Gross.
Belkar: I really don't feel good...
Haley: Come on, then, get in the cart. It's a long trip to Cliffport, you'll just slow us down walking on foot.
Belkar: Ohhhhh, and my head hurts too...
Haley: Yeah, OK, we get it, you're sick. Quit your whining. What a wuss. Could you imagine how much he'd complain if he ever activated his Mark of Justice?
Celia: Ha! He'd probably cry.

Spoiler: Strip 571

Show

Return Engagement
Roy, Oracle, Lizardfolk 1, Lizardfolk 2

Roy: Goddamn it, this is such a waste. I swear, when I get physical hands back, I am going to take that little runt and- What the-?
Lizardfolk 1: -port!
Lizardfolk 2: My word, we've arrived not a moment too soon, I see.
Lizardfolk 1: Quite! Shall we get on with the word at hand, Brother?
Lizardfolk 2: Indeed. Raise Dead!
Oracle: *gasp!*
Roy: Hey! Over here! Pick me!
Oracle: Oh, man! That one stung a bit. I think he dulls his daggers, so they hurt more going in.
Lizardfolk 2: Welcome back, sir.
Oracle: Good to be back, guys. Sorry about the mess, I should have remembered to tell you to wear galoshes...
Lizardfolk 1: Are we still scheduled to raise you again on March 26, 1187?
Oracle: Yup, 3:10 pm. And be ready for a Resurrection spell next time... it's gonna be this big druid guy who's gonna chew me up into tiny pieces when I tell him him yes, his wide is cheating on him, and the other man is his animal companion. Turns out that giving enhanced intelligence to a critter who is literally hung like a bear doesn't always work out the way you'd expect.
Lizardfolk 2: And with that, we must retire. Good day!
Oracle: Say hello to your boss for me!
Lizardfolk 1: We shall. Tele-
Roy: Stupid minor NPC can get raised and I can't...
<sfx> POP!
Oracle: Well, looks like I better start getting that Expert level back. XP don't earn itself, my mama always said. -who may have been a bit portly as a result of a glandular condition, but at least she didn't whore up the whole afterlife when she died.
Roy: Hey, my mother- YOU CAN HEAR ME??
Oracle: Yes, so you don't have to yell. Geez.

Spoiler: Strip 572

Show

The Resistance of Memory
Oracle, Roy, Eugene, Roy's Archon

Roy: Why didn't you say something earlier?!? I could have told Haley where to find Durkon!
Oracle: Gosh, I don't know... is it because I don't like you? You dangled me out of a window! Plus your furry-footed friend just made me his temporary magic dagger repository.
Roy: I think I'm going to have to take exception to the word “friend”. More like, “unfortunate responsibility” or “lodestone”.
Oracle: At any rate, your pal isn't long for this world, so I saw no reason not to have my fun where I could. I almost named the village, “Shouldacheckdamap” but I thought it was funnier to work blue.
Roy: Not long for this world? What are you saying?
Oracle: The same thing I said last time you were here, only you forgot. Here, you want it on record? Belkar will draw his last breath-ever-before the end of the year. That's an “in-comic” year, not a real-time year, Oracle fans!
Roy: Huh?
Oracle: Don't worry about it. There, that was on the house, so you can remember it. You'll forget everything else once you pass through the Memory Charm. Now scurry home to your cloud, Casper, before I banish you. I have an important client flying in and I don't want a dead mammal messing it up.
Roy: You're not a cleric, Scaly. You can't banish me if you tried.
Oracle: True, I'm not a cleric...but ain't it funny how I always seem to have just the right magic item here in my robe? Dismissal!
Roy: Ah-
<cutaway>
Roy: -crap. I was hoping I might be able to glean some more info by listening to other people's prophecies, since that's the only part I won't... ...forget. The Dismissal must have bypassed the Memory Charm, and the kobold didn't bother to look into the future to make sure! I remember everything! I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!
Eugene: Good, then you can tell me what page it says you don't die until -10 hp.
Roy’s Archon: I already told you, in this edition, that's an optional rule that we're not using! You're dead at 0 hp!
Eugene: Well that's a stupid rule and they should change it!
Roy’s Archon: They did!

Spoiler: Strip 573

Show

Slumber Party
Haley, Celia, Belkar

Haley: ..so the Boots of Speed were totally powerful, but they were, like, lime green.
Celia: With your skin tone? Pass!
Haley: Exactly! Ha ha ha!
Celia: Ha ha ha!
Haley: Hey, you know, why were we arguing so much before this last week?
Celia: Yeah, I mean, I don't know why we kept snipping at each other, we have so-
Belkar: Unnnnnnhh.....
Celia: Oh, right. Him.
Haley: Well, when we get to Cliffport, if he hasn't managed to shake off the flu that he caught, we can get a Remove Disease.
Celia: Yeah. Although you know, there IS a city right down that cliff...
Haley: Celia, I've told you a dozen times, we're not going into that place.
Celia: But why not?
Haley: Because it's a bad idea.
Celia: Why?
Haley: Because it just is, OK? Trust me. In all likelihood, there won't be any clerics there anyway, at least not any interested in helping Roy. Or Belkar, for that matter. It's a dangerous place where people get killed for having gold in their pockets. Not everywhere on this plane is Happy Fun Sunshine Land, you know. Now try to get some sleep. I went through a lot of trouble to find a secluded spot where we wouldn't be seen.
Celia: *sigh* OK. Good night. Sorry, Haley. He's my boyfriend, not yours. If there's even a chance of finding clerics down there, I need to look for them. You'll get over it when he's alive again.
<sign text> GREYSKY CITY. 1 MILE.
Belkar: Be very quiet, Mr. Scruffy! If we make any noise, the magical Cart Fairy might not take us on the enchanted trip to Happy Fun Sunshine Land!

Spoiler: Strip 574

Show

A Seller's Market
Celia, Human

Celia: I don't know what Haley was so worried about... there's hardly even anyone here! Oooo! Excuse me! I can't help but notice that you're dragging a human carcass down the middle of main street.
Human: ...What's yer point?
Celia: Well, I'm a visitor to your fine city with a problem. My boyfriend died; I have his remains here in the cart. I was just wondering if you could possibly let me know where you were taking...uh...
Human: M'brother.
Celia: Your brother.
Human: Takin' 'im ta dat Grubwiggler guy.
Celia: Is that a...cleric...of some kind?
Human: Dunno. Maybe. But 'e dumps these here flyers all ov'r town. Figured ah'd solve mah problem an' get a little scratch fer m'trouble, know whud ahm sayin'?
Celia: “Scratch?”
<flyer text> GOT CORPSE? Any condition! Come to Hieronymus Grubwiggler's and watch your dead body problem get up and walk out of your life! DISCRETE - NO QUESTIONS ASKED. $$$$ TOP DOLLAR. 13 Darkmo-
Celia: Perfect! Although it does say “Top dollar.” I just hope he doesn't charge more than we have... If you're headed there now, just lead the way and I'll follow.
Human: 'Mkay.
Celia: So, how long ago did your brother pass?
Human: Let's see... Well, ah found 'im trying ta pick tha lock on mah shed around dusk, so... a few hours, ah reckon.
Celia: You- are you the one who stabbed him???
Human: Yup. That's why ah need ta get tha body ov'r ta Grubwiggler pronto. Mah wife said this won't work at all-
Celia: Oh my gods...
Celia: <thinking> He's so wracked with guilt over what he did in the heat of the moment that he's bringing his brother for resurrection!
Human: -but if it does, ah'm thinkin' of bringin' her tomorrow night.

Spoiler: Strip 575

Show

I Think They're in One of the Rulebooks, Right?
Celia, Hieronymus Grubwiggler, Belkar, Giro

Grubwiggler: Hello, hello, hello! I am Hieronymus Grubwiggler! How may I be of service to you, my lovely lady?
Celia: Uh, hi. So, I saw your flyer, and I have my boyfriend's body in the cart, and-
Grubwiggler: Ah, the two of you had a little tiff, did you?
Celia: What? No, I had nothing to do with it.
Grubwiggler: Oh, naturally. No matter, let's take a look.
Belkar: Awww! The fairy saw us! Now we'll never learn the secret of flying from the Happy Sunshine Pixies!
Celia: Belkar?!? What are you doing here?
Grubwiggler: Huh. Well, I'll give you 10gp for the skeleton, 30 for the halfling. And 5 silver for the cat, if it's not declawed.
Celia: What? No! They're not for sale!
Belkar: Not for less than 50 gp and a carafe of piping hot tea!
Celia: Look, the halfling is delirious, ignore him. I'm trying to get the skeleton-uh, my boyfriend, Roy-back up on his feet again.
Grubwiggler: Oh, I see! You're looking to hire me for a commission job. You pay me, I cast the spells, and you walk away with your dead boyfriend behind you, is that it? Well, it's not my usual line of business, but I see no reason not to make an exception for a fine female specimen such as yourself.
Celia: Uh, thanks, I think.
Belkar: Thank you, Froggie Man!
Grubwigger: Just remove all of his clothing and equipment and bring the body up the stairs and inside. My fee will be 20,000 gold pieces.
Celia: Geez, that's a bit steep, but I guess I can't exactly shop around. I wonder if he has a payment plan option? Ugh, this was a lot more fun last time I did it...
Belkar: I'm a centaur.
Grubwiggler: Alright, Miss, now if you'll just five the body to my assistant Giro, we-
Celia: Oh my gods! Look at this place! It's like you got your furnishings from Hate & Barrel! I know this was fishy! You're going to try to turn Roy into some kind of undead monstrosity, aren't you??
Grubwiggler: What? No! I swear by all the gods that I have no intent of creating undead!
Celia: Don't lie to me, I'm totally using Sense Motive on you!
Grubwiggler: I promise, no undead. Vile, loathsome things, I would never create or use them.
Celia: ...OK, then. Just... be careful with him.
Grubwiggler: Now you just wait there while Giro and I prepare “Roy” to live again. Looks a bit sparse for a flesh golem...
Giro: We do have some formula mixed for a bone golem, Master.
Grubwiggler: Bone golem it is, then.

Spoiler: Strip 576

Show

Construction Workers
Grubwiggler, Celia, Belkar

Grubwiggler: Excellent! Tonight's storm is right on schedule. Roker shall see one more sunrise.
Celia: Well, this contract is a little archaic, but it seems pretty standard.
Grubwigger: Now we need only wait for lightning to strike the-
Celia: I'm kinda in a hurry.
Grubwiggler: Ah, see? The eleven secret herbs and reagents are already working! The spells have been cast, now we need only wait, and...
Celia: Wait a minute, what exactly is the “product of envivication” and why are there one... two... three pages dealing with it?
Grubwiggler: It's alive! ALIVE!!!
Celia: What the hell did you do to him?? You said no undead!!
Grubwiggler: And indeed, he is not undead-he's a construct, bones animated by an earth elemental spirit bound under my control. Which I guess technically makes my statement of, “It's alive,” innacurate, but I just love saying that. Once you remit my fee, we'll select a PIN code you can use to command the golem.
Celia: I'm not paying you, you monster! Look what you did to my boyfriend!! Plus, I didn't sign anything and I never actually agreed to your verbal contract.
Grubwiggler: Well, in that case, allow me to show you a portfolio of my previous work in the field of golems. Restrain the sylph!
Celia: AAAHHH!
Belkar: Look, Mr. Scruffy, Herman Munster is trying to hurt the Cart Fairy! We better get over there and- *BLUURRRGGH!* *hnnFLUUURGH!* *hnnFLUUURGH!*
Grubwigger: ...I'm adding my janitorial bill to what you owe me for the golem.
Belkar: *BLFRRRG!*
Celia: I'm sorry, I can't hear you due to the overwhelming emotional damages that I'm sure any jury will recognize.

Spoiler: Strip 577

Show

You Can Take the Rogue Out of the City...
Grubwiggler, Celia, Golem, Haley, Giro

Celia: Look, I'm sure we can come to an equitable agreement.
Grubwiggler: Perhaps. Would you be interested in barter?
Celia: At this point? Absolutely! What do you want to trade?
Grubwiggler: Well, I'm always in the market for raw materials... you have no idea how wasteful making golems can be. I mean, sure, I try my best to practice sustainable wizardry, but it takes six bodies to make a single golem! So I'll make you a deal: I'll void your debt to me in return for that lovely body of yours.
Celia: What? Are you nuts?? What do I care about a debt if I'm dead?!?
Grubwiggler: Well, your heirs won't have to pay it. Golem, squeeze her until she has made good on her bill, one way or the-
Haley: SAP SNEAK ATTACK!
<sfx> WHUNK!
Celia: Haley! Help! Unnnh!
<sfx> squeeze...
Haley: Hold on, I'm looking for my alchemist's fire.
Celia: hurry!
Haley: I should really get one of those handy haversacks. Found it!
<sfx> keesh!
Golem: Raaarrrgh!
Giro: Stop right-
Haley: Oh, you want to try your luck, Lumpy? I took down both your pals, but hey, maybe the third time's the charm.
Celia: <whispering> Haley, I don't think you took down the golem... more like just slowed it down a little.
Haley: <whispering> Hey, you're the one who's against killing, here. It's what adventuring professionals call “a bluff”, so just keep standing in his line of sight.
Giro: OK, OK! Don't hurt me, please!
Haley: Smart man...toad-...whatever. On the floor and don't move.
Giro: I'm not even a real hunchback! I stuffed my hump to get this job!
Haley: Darn it, the door must have locked behind me. No time to pick it before Grubby wakes up, we're going out the front.
Celia: Door? How did you get in here, anyway?
Haley: There's a secret passage from the sewers, up through the dungeon. I woke up when the rain-
Celia: Wait, how the heck did you know there was a secret passage in this castle?
Haley: Hmmm? Oh, I've robbed this castle twice before.
Celia: Twice??
Haley: I grew up in this town.
Celia: Oh. And what's in the giant sack?
Haley: Like I said, “Third time's the charm.”

Spoiler: Strip 578

Show

A Slick Getaway
Giro, Haley, Celia, Belkar

Giro: Golems! Kill those two women and the halfling!
Haley: See? SEE? THIS is why we kill the bad guys when we get the chance!
Celia: Don't worry, Haley. Now that my hands are free, I can blast them all. They're not really alive, so it's OK to-
Haley: What? No, Celia, wait, electricity-
<sfx> ZZZAPP!
Haley: -heals flesh golems.
Celia: Wait, is that one actually moving FASTER than it was a moment ago?
Haley: They're immune to almost all magic AND sneak attacks. Geez, don't they teach you anything?
Celia: No, Haley, the weak points of monsters that have been stitched together from the flesh of the dead are not part of the standard law school curriculum.
Haley: Well gosh, that's a pretty good argument for listening to me when I tell you something, wouldn't you-
Celia: Sorry, Haley, can't listen right now, I need to get something. Hello? It's me, Celia. Are you in there? ... Can you hear me? AAAHHH! OK, so that's “Yes,” on the second question, “No,” on the first.
Haley: What the heck is she trying to do? I swear, I have no idea what goes through her-
Belkar: Look! A giant girl leprechaun! Let's find the end of the rainbow, Mr. Scruffy! I bet they have Skittles(R)!
Haley: Ooof!! Belkar, I can't see where we're- Crap. Belkar, get off me!
Belkar: Hello, magic scarecrows! You sure are getting closer, aren't you?
Haley: Celia! Celia, open the door! CELIA! Open the door!
Celia: But I need to find a way-
Haley: Forget it! I need that door open or we- Belkar! Off!-or we're gonna be golem chow!
Celia: But-
Belkar: Wheeeee!
Haley: CELIA!!!
Celia: OK, OK, you're the leader.
<sfx> ZZZAPP!
Belkar: I can fly!
<sfx> WHUNK!
Haley: Turn around donkey! No, no, the other way!
<sfx> ZZZAPP!
Giro: No! Golems! Stop! I can't afford to have my pay docked for any more of you!
Haley: OK, now, giddyup! Go! Go! Go!
Belkar: Goodbye, Happy Fun Sunshine Land! Thanks for everything! I'll miss you most of all, scarecrows!
Celia: Haley, I... I am so sorry for sneaking off and going into-
Haley: Celia, don't worry about it. I've certainly snuck away from the rest of the part once or twice. I mean, no real harm done, and we earned enough gold to pay for Roy here to be-
<sfx> rattle! rattle!
Haley: Celia... Why isn't Roy in the cart?
Belkar: Now I'm a unicorn!

Spoiler: Strip 579

Show

What they need is a Writ of Habeas Corpus
Celia, Haley, Belkar, Bozzok

Haley: YOU LOST ROY'S BODY?!?
Celia: No! I know exactly where it is!
Haley: Why didn't you tell me about the golem when we were inside??
Celia: Because you told me to forget it and come help you! You seemed like you knew what was going on!
Belkar: Hey, I think my head is starting to clear...
Haley: How was I supposed to know what had happened to Roy, Celia?
Celia: I don't know, you're always telling me that you know more than I do about this stuff, I figured you could just tell by looking or something. You're always expecting ME to know things I would have no way of learning...
Haley: Darn it, Celia, the ONE TIME you actually listen to me... How can you be so smart and still be such an...an AIRHEAD!
Celia: HEY! There's no need for racial slurs!
Haley: What were you possibly thinking, bringing Roy's body to Grubwiggler?
Celia: I was thinking we could get this whole thing finished quicker, so Roy would be OK and I could get back to school, where I actually understand what's going on.
Belkar: What IS going on?
Haley: Well, you were right, we're finished. We can't raise Roy without his body, not without a 17th-level cleric and a heaping cartload of diamonds. And I'm not even sure there ARE any 17th-level clerics in the world!
Belkar: Oooo! I bet Redcloak is 17th level!
Haley: Not helping! OK, OK, just let me think... Grubby always keeps the windows and doors sealed with words. The secret passage was clear-but the hunchback saw me try the door to that, so that'll be sealed by now, too. The front door is wide open, but there about a dozen flesh golems which the three of us have no change to beat. At least, no alone. If we could get a little more power... OK, here's the plan: We keep heading towards Cliffport. We trade in the donkey and cart for a fast horse, and we can be there in a few days. Once there, we use the money I just swiped to hire mercenaries to help us raid the castle, grab the corpse, and escape.
Celia: What about Belkar? He still can't travel more than a mile from Roy's body.
Haley: Darn it! I forgot about that. I guess we need to abandon him for now. We can pick him up when we return.
Celia: I'm not leaving him behind.
Haley: ...What?
Celia: We can use him as an alarm. If Grubwiggler sell's Roy's golem to a customer, Belkar's Mark of Justice will activate when they try to leave the area and then we might be able to catch them.
Haley: Oh! Oh, man... you had me there for a second! I thought you actually-
Celia: -cared about Belkar at all? Eww, good gods, no.
Belkar: Yeah, that would have just been weird...
Haley: Either way, we need to get off the streets, now that the rain has stopped.
Celia: Haley, if you grew up here, shouldn't there be some people you know here that could help up?
<cutaway>
Haley: <voiceover> You don't understand... The fact that there are some people I know here is the reason we need to get off the streets.
<sign text> THEIVES' GUILD. No soliciting.
Buzzok: Mr. Grubwiggler! Good to see you. How may we be of service this fine evening?

Spoiler: Strip 580

Show

Hey, I Need to Sell Them Somehow
Grubwiggler, Bozzok, Crystal, Hank

Grubwiggler: This is outrageous!
Buzzok: Now, now, Mr. Grubwiggler, calm down.
Crystal: Yeah, take a chill pill, Froggy-Man. No one yells at the boss like that and gets to keep both lungs.
Grubwiggler: Bozzok, I pay your Thieve's Guild a ludicrous sum each month for your “protection” from theft, and yet I was robbed just an hour ago.
Buzzok: What was stolen?
Grubwiggler: 50,000 gp and some magic items. And a sylph whose body was mine.
Crystal: She must have been one ugly sylph.
Buzzok: Hank, are we liable for this?
Hank: He does have our Five-Star Protection contract, Boss. That includes lost item recovery.
Buzzok: Damn. OK, we'll get right on this, Mr. Grubwiggler. We'll get your stuff back pronto, and I personally guarantee that Crystal here will have her dagger buried in the thief's throat by, say, next Monday.
Grubwiggler: Well, that's hardly reassuring, considering that it was one of YOUR thieves that did this!
Crystal: HEY! Our thieves are only allowed to steal from the people that our thieves are allowed to steal from!
Buzzok: My employee's circular logic not withstanding, she is correct. We do NOT steal from clients under our protection. Bad for business.
Hank: Plus, WAY too much paperwork.
Grubwiggler: I have evidence to the contrary. My assistant recognized the burglar-the same thief who robbed us twice before, about two years ago. Don't you remember? That's how you... persuaded me... to accept your guild's protection in the first place.
Buzzok: That's not possible, those robberies were done by- Wait. This thief, was she human, mid-20's, fair skin? With a longbow? One strand of red hair out of her ponytail no matter which direction she's facing?
Grubwiggler: Yes, that's her!
Crystal: No way!
Buzzok: Thank you very much, we'll get back to you.
Grubwiggler: But what about-
Buzzok: Thank you, come again! Starshine is back in town.
Hank: Huh. I really thought that girl had a better Wisdom score than that.
Crystal: Do I get to kill her this time? Do I? Do I? Do I, please? Pretty please?
Buzzok: I was willing to not press the issue of her untimely resignation from our organization as long as she maintained her self-imposed exile from our dim city... ...but if she's going to have the gall to come back here and commit thefts on my turf? And leave witnesses that can identify her? Yeah, Crystal. You get to kill her this time. How what that? Did I cover everything from our first appearance?
Hank: Let's see... you threatened to kill her if she left the guild...she left anyway to become an adventurer...yeah, I think you hit the highlights. Though you did leave out what I consider to be some important context...
Crystal: Eww! Why would anyone want to watch Starshine take a bath?
Hank: ...Important sexy context.
<book text> Order of the Stick. On the Origin of PCs. By Rich Burlew.

Spoiler: Strip 581

Show

A Sight for Sore Eyes
Crystal, Haley, Celia, Jenny, Belkar, Old Blind Pete, Elan, Therkla

Crystal: <singing> I get to kill Haaaaaley! I get to kill Haaaaaley!
<sfx> skip! skip! skip!
Haley: Crap! That's her, that's Crystal.
Celia: THAT'S the assassin you're so afraid of?
Haley: She may be as dumb as a used tanglefoot bag and have a terrible fashion sense, but she's pretty deadly with that funky sword.
Celia: But you've been adventuring ever since you left this city, you must have gained a few levels on her by now.
Haley: Celia, she's a persona rival. She's ALWAYS gonna be the same level as I am when we meet, if not higher.
<flashback>
Crystal: Sweet! Starshine gained another level!
Jenny: Damn it! I really need to pick a fight with a PC one of these days...
<end flashback>
Haley: Besides, it's not just her... Bozzok has the whole guild out looking for me. Although on the plus side, I guess that Cloister effect you told me about will keep his Arcane Trickster from scrying for me. Come on, I have an idea where we can hide.
Celia: What about the donkey and cart?
Haley: Leave 'em. I already stashed Roy's stuff in my Bag of Holding, and they didn't belong to us anyway.
Belkar: Awww, man! I got yelled at for that cart! Now where am I going to ride?
<sfx> Knock knock!
Blind Pete: Who is it?
Haley: Old Blind Pete? It's me-
Blind Pete: No, Old Blind Pete it's ME. Who are YOU?
Haley: It's me, Haley. Haley Starshine.
Blind Pete: ...Ian and Mia's girl?
Haley: That's right. I'm in trouble.
Blind Pete: Are you pregnant?
Haley: What? No! Bozzok wants me dead.
Blind Pete: Why, is he the father?
Haley: NO! Gross! He wants to make an example out of me because I left the guild.
Blind Pete: In that case, you better come in, girl. This town could use a few less of Bozzok's “examples” in my opinion.
Haley: Thanks, Pete. I knew I could count on you. Oh, and these are my friends, Celia and Belkar.
Blind Pete: Is one of them shaking two giant sheets of cellophane?
Celia: Oh, that's me, I guess. I have wings.
Blind Pete: *sniff! sniff!* And is the other some sort of magically-animated public urinal?
Belkar: I'm having a bad week, OK?
<sfx> Knock knock knock knock!
Crystal: Petey! Get your butt out here!
Haley: That's Crystal!
Blind Pete: Hide, I'll find a way to throw her off your trail.
Crystal: Have you seen Haley Starshine?
Blind Pete: No.
Crystal: OK, thanks!
Celia: She, uh... she does know that you're blind, right?
Blind Pete: Crystal never lets what she knows get in the way of her job, heh.
Haley: It won't be long before someone with a little more brains comes around, though. Pete, do you still have that safe room in the cellar?
Blind Pete: Safest in the city. Soundproof, scryproof, ethereal-proof, detect-proof, and totally foolproof. And I've been keeping my moonshine down there, so these days, it's 160-proof! Ha ha ha ha ha! Best part is, the guild still doesn't know I've got it. Come on, I'll show it to you.
Celia: So, I take it you're not on good terms with this “Thieves' Guild,” either?
Blind Pete: Let me put it this way: I used to be known as “Eagle-Eyed Pete” before Bozzok caught me selling guild secrets to his rivals. A word of advice: If you're going to do business with criminals, don't pick a nickname based on any body part you can't afford to lose. *sigh* I shoulda listened to Appendix Steve when he tried to warn me.
Celia: That's terrible! Can't you get your eyes healed?
Blind Pete: Tried it once. Got a local cleric of Loki to cast Regenerate on 'em, cost me a fortune. But don't you know, I'm halfway to Anywhere when Crystal jumps me and pokes 'em both out again. The whole thing was a huge waste of money, thank you very much.
Haley: Wait, Pete- I thought all the clerics of Loki were in the guild's pocket?
Blind Pete: They are, 'cept for this one, who's a dear childhood friend of mine. A childhood friend who remembers that Old Blind Pete's gold glitters as well as anyone else's, ha ha ha!
Haley: Good. Great, even. We need a cleric in the worst way, and our gold glitters pretty well, too.
Belkar: She polishes it.
Blind Pete: I'll get a message to him in the morning, then.
Haley: Perfect, we'll bunk here for the night. Thanks again, Pete.
Celia: So...what? We're just going to stand around and wait?
Haley: Well, I intend to lie around, but yes. A good thief knows when the heat it on, it's best to either lie low or skip town, and we can't skip town.
Celia: Shouldn't we be, I don't know, making plans?
Belkar: My intestines have a plan: Find the bathroom, A.S.A.P.
Haley: I'm much better at making plans when I've slept more than two hours. We'll plan in the morning, after we talk to Pete's cleric friend.
Celia: But can't we-
Haley: Celia, shush! Try to get some rest. We're lucky to have a place to sleep safely tonight. I'm sure wherever Elan is, he's facing threads far more treacherous than a night wasted in a warm bed.
<cutaway>
Elan: I got your note.
Therkla: Did you come alone?
Elan: Yes.

Spoiler: Strip 582

Show

Moonlight Rendezvous
Therkla, Elan

Elan: So what's the secret mission, Ninja Girl? Is there an evil supervillian secretly plotting nefarious crimes against the whole fleet?
Therkla: Yeah, you could say that, I guess. I'm sorta faced with a tough choice here. My employer has given me a direct order that I really don't like...and I have to decide whether I should obey it anyway. I mean, he's been so kind to me for all these years, and given me a place where I fit in, which I've never had because-
Elan: Because you're the last survivor of the doomed planet, Ninjon?
Therkla: -because I'm a half-orc.
Elan: Right, that too.
Therkla: On the other hand...well...I know we don't know each other THAT well, but we've had fun teaming up against monsters, and I think we have a lot in common. And you're like, REALLY good-looking. Like, Grade-A, lock-the-bathroom-door, “No, Ma, I'm just taking a long shower,” fantasy material. And, well...I really like you, and I want to be your girlfriend.
Elan: You...like me?
Therkla: Yeah.
Elan: You mean you LIKE-like me?
Therkla: Yes, I LIKE-like you.
Elan: Therkla, I...I already have a girlfriend.
Therkla: What? What are you talking about? I've been watching you for months, you don't have a girlfriend.
Elan: She's no here. We got separated back in Azure City, and we haven't seen each other since. But my friend Vaarsuvius is looking for her, and-
Therkla: So, she might no even be alive, then?
Elan: She's not dead.
Therkla: But you don't really know-
Elan: She is not dead.
Therkla: OK, fine, she's not dead, but she's not here, either. I am. Look, I'm not asking for much. if she shows up someday, I'll step aside. I just want to be yours, even for a little while. I want to feel your arms around me, even if I know that they'll be around her tomorrow.
Elan: I'm sorry, you seem really cool and you're sorta cute and you've got the whole superheroine thing working... But I'm in love with Haley. I just don't think it could work out between us. Or, we could get a slice of pizza sometime. How's Friday? Pick you up at eight?

Previous Page | Index | Next Page