The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 615 to 633
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
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Spoiler: Strip 615

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It's a Real Life-Saver
Haley, Celia, Rogue 10, Rogue 11, Rogue 12, Bozzok, Yor, Hank

Rogue 10: I think I hear them in the den, Guildmaster!
Haley: Let’s see… Distance? Kinda weak. Seeking? I’ve got a feat that can do most fo that already. Axiomatic? Ugh, not in this lifetime. Ah, here we go. This one. This one’s mind now. Here, take a crossbow.
Celia: Haley, if I was willing to risk killing these people, I would have been blasting them with lightning the whole time.
Haley: Celia, did you SEE how close they just came to killing me??
Celia: Believe me, I saw. And if I wasn’t willing to betray my principles then, why would I start now?
Haley: Fine, whatever. Just stay out of my way, then, because I intend to betray your principles all over the friggin’ place.
Rogue 10: Hey! I found–
<sfx> twang! burst!
Haley: Nice.
Celia: Oooo! What is that peppermint smell?
<bow text> +5 ICY BURST ARCHORY: A refreshing blast of winter!
<sfx> twang! twang!
Rogue 11: My mouth feels like a cool mountain spring!
Rogue 12: My last breath…is also my mintiest…
Haley: Hey, Bozzok!! I got two things you’ve desperately needed for some time: An arrow to the gut, and a breath freshener!
Buzzok: Maybe we can trade – I’ve got something to finish up that trim Crystal gave you.
<sfx> thunk!!
Buzzok: Nnnh! One cut below the chin outght to do the trick.
Celia: Come on, Haley! You can do it!
Hank: Excuse me, are you sufficiently distracted?
Celia: Huh?
Yor: CHARGING GRAPPLE ATTACK!
Celia: Ahhh! Darn it! Not again!
Hank: Oh my gods, Yor, I swear, you do NOT need ot keep shouting out your attacks! This isn’t manga!
Yor: Sorry, Hank.
Celia: Hey, if you want, he could let go and we could try it again.
Hank: Shush.

Spoiler: Strip 616

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An Opponent or Rival Whom a Person Cannot Overcome
Crystal, Belkar

Crystal: Come on, halfling, stand still so I can beat you already! I want to go fight Haley again!
Belkar: Oh, you poor dumb pickle-woman. The only thing that was making this even sporting was your big green buddy, and he left you hanging, didn’t he?
<sfx> slash! slash! slash! slash! slash! slash!
Crystal: Arrgh!! You little twit, I’m gonna kill you!
<sfx> trip!
Belkar: Yeah, and I’m gonna drop a house on you and sing about how I represent the Lollipop Guild. C’mon, let’s keep our threats realistic, shall we? I mean, if you said, “You little twit, I’m going to temporarily inconvenience you!” I’d think, hey, she might really mean it! But seriously, you? Kill me? Never going to happen.
Crystal: AAAAHHH!
<sfx> SHCHLURK!
Crystal: …I’m still alive?
Belkar: Yeah. At 0 hit points. Sneeze too hard, and you’ll burst an artery. I’m not kill-stealing today.
Crystal: Huh??
Belkar: Ten minutes ago, I wouldn’t gladly ganked someone else’s personal nemesis without thinking twice. It would have been a hilarious anticlimas – plus, you know, murder. Which is always a nice perk. But I’m doing this whole “team player” thing, and that means not fulfilling someone else’s narrative role. In other words, it’a Haley’s job to kill you, not mine.
Crystal: Oh yeah? Well…what if Haley CAN’T kill me? What then, pipsqueak?
Belkar: That’s not really my problem now, is it? I got my brownie points for saving her once already. The fact is, you’re not actually important enough for me to risk rocking my new boat. You only matter as Haley’s arch-nemesis – and frankly, she already has one of those, and she’s a LOT hotter than you are. So, see you around, I guess.
Crystal: Hey! HEY! I am important! And hot! Get back here and kill me you coward!
Belkar: Nah, I’m gonna go find my cat.
Crystal: Well FINE! I don’t need you to kill me! I know lots of people waiitng to kill me! Maybe I’ll call one of them!
Belkar: You do that.
Crystal: I will! And what the hell does “nemesis” mean, anyway??

Spoiler: Strip 617

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Power Meeting
Roy, Celia, Hank, Rogue 5, Yor

Roy: Hey, has anyone in here happened to see my girlfriend? White hair, pointy ears? Big fairy wings? Inexplicably Medium-sized?
Celia: HEY! Get your hands off me!
Hank: Sorry, Miss Sylph. I believe you owe us some magic items. Lock the door.
Roy: Ah, there’s my damsel. In distress. As is quickly becoming standard.
Celia: Well, hey! Look! A whole wall full of magic bows and stuff! There, now everyone’s happy, so you can, you know, let em go.
Hank: Nice try. Per the terms of his employment contract, all fo Pete’s possessions pass to the Guild upon his death. And half the Guild knows about Pete’s stash, so my two friends and I are unlikely to see much income from their sale.
Celia: pete was still a member of the Thieves’ Guild? I thougth he got kicked out.
Hank: No one gets kicked out. The contracts are effective in perpetuity.
Roy: OK, Celia, you know when I told you not to give in and fry them with your lightning? That was then. This is now.
Hank: I mean, I’d perfer nobody got killed here, but what can you do? The Guild needs to keep its reputation. Nobody leaves, except in a casket.
Rogue 5: Vampire thieves can’t even leave in one of those.
Roy: You can take them. The fighter can’t dodge lightning, so blast him first, then take to the skies. I know it’s hard for you. I know you don’t want to kill, but you’re an adventurer now. This is the world in which we live. Well the world in which I lived, and to which you are a frequent flyer. You’ve been able to muddle through, but these guys are just going to kill you if you don’t fight back.
Rogue 5: I guess they could leave in an urn, though. For their ashes, if they got staked.
Celia: I can’t – I can’t believe I need to do this. It goes against everything I’ve been taught, but…
Roy: Yes! That’s it! You need to do it, Celia!
Celia: May the gods forgive me…
Yor: …Guys?
Hank: Look, the point is that no one leaves.
Roy: You need to kill them, there’s no other way out–
Yor: Woah!
Celia: On behalf of my client, I am willing to renegotiate the immediate reinstatement of her lapsed employment contract with your organization!
Roy: –except that, I guess.
Hank: …Legal Pad.
Rogue 5: You got it, boss.

Spoiler: Strip 618

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Flank Cut
Bozzok, Haley, Rogue 13, Belkar

Buzzok: So, Starshine, once again we’re –
Haley: Yeah, OK, can we skip the combat dialogue? I’m trying not to get distracted this time.
Buzzok: Not a problem with me, I only have two words to say to you anyway– Sneak Att–
Haley: Oh my gods, I’ve done that “two words” gag like 9 times already! You’re going to need to get some fresher material if you want to be a villain in this story. Not MUCH fresher, but still.
<sfx> ftt! ftt!
Buzzok: Damn it!
<sfx> slash!
Haley: Ooo, I take it back! Those are a different two words.
Buzzok: Ah, here we go. Snea–
<sfx> fft! slash!
Buzzok: DAMN IT!! Stop killing my flankers in the middle of my swing!!
Haley: Poor Bozzie cant’ get a–OW!!–Sneak Attack, huh?
Buzzok: I’m still hitting you for regular bastard sword damage every time! You can’t keep this up forever!
<sfx> fft! fft! slash!
Haley: Don’t need to–UGH! I just need to keep it up until – right now.
Rogue 13: Screw this! I’ve only got 14 hit points!
Haley: The moment when they stop being willing to run into certain arrowy death to help out a guy who takes half their earnings.
Buzzok: Where are you going?? Come back here and die fro my fleeting tactical advantage!
Haley: So…ready to end this, Bozzok?
Buzzok: Fine…we can finish this battel WITHOUT any flankers!
Belkar: Hey, now, Let’s not be hasty.

Spoiler: Strip 619

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Wow, That's a Spicy Meatball!
Haley, Bozzok, Belkar, Haley, Hank, Badspear Troll, Blue Dragon

Haley: Hey, this two-on-one thing is pretty sweet, I can see why you like it.
<sfx> fft! fft! stab! stab! stabbity stab!
Buzzok: Shut up, you ungrateful brat! When Crystal gets here, we’re going to–
<sfx> BURST!
Haley: Ooo! Icy Burst! Yes!
Belkar: Nice! Though that peppermint smell is making me hungry again. Where the hell is my sandwich, anyway?
Haley: OK, Bozzok, end of the road for you.
Belkar: WAIT!! Don’t you think you should make some sort of cold-related pun while you kill him? You know, Arnie-style?
Haley: Oh, yeah, I guess you’re right. OK, Bozzok, time to put you on –
Celia: WAIT!!
Haley: Oh, NOW what?!?
Haley: Don’t kill him Haley! I negotiated a truce with the Thieves’ Guild.
Haley: You did WHAT???
Belkar: Instead of getting my lunch??? I thought we were a team!
Haley: Aren’t truces generally for people who haven’t already, I dunno, WON?
Celia: Come on, put the bow down. Do you really want any more bloodshed today?
Haley: Sorta, yeah!
Hank: How about bloodshed tomorrow? Or next month? You still care about the common people of Greysky City, right? That was your dad’s shtick, wasn’t it? Rob from the rich, give 40% to the ppor?
Haley: 40%, after reasonable expenses.
Hank: Well, obviously. You know that there’s no nice and orderly line of succession for the Guild. You kill the Boz-cicle here, and it’ll be a free-for-all until someone muscles their way to the top, long after you and your adventuring pals have left. Remember, it took Bozzok over a year to consolidate the Guild under his rule. And in the meantime, we have a dangerous power vaccuum. There are groups worse for the city than the Thieves’ Guild.
Haley: Tell me you’re not talking about –
Hank: Yeah… The MOBs.
<cutaway>
Badspear Troll: They camped outside Two-Life Tony’s cave and just waited for him to respawn.
Blue Dragon: You get a train over there, and you make them an aggro they can’t refuse.
Badspear Troll: Yes, Boss Monster.
<window text> BLIZZARIS RESTORANT
<cutback>
Hank: Do you really want things to get that “video gamey”?
Haley: Please. Someone says that every time there’s a change around here. I just don’t see it.
Belkar: Hey, can I get a buff in case we go back to pwning their doods? kthx.

Spoiler: Strip 620

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Probably About an "8"
Haley, Belkar, Celia, Hank

Haley: Sorry, you’ve failed to make your case. Anyone who has a drink that needs cooling, get ready for some ice cubes!
Belkar: Damn it, now I’m thirsty, too!
Celia: Haley, listen! A compromise is our best chance of bringing back Roy!
Haley: Doubt it. It’ll be easy to contact Durkon tomorrow, we just need to wait for him.
Belkar: Yeah, uh, about that…the cleric skipped town in the middle of the fight. Right after he returned my mojo to the upright locked position.
Haley: Damn it! Did he finish casting the Sending first?
Belkar: How should I know? I was still in full Hippie Vision Quest mode until then!
Haley: Huh?
Hank: None of the other clerics in this town will contact your dwarf for us if you kill Bozzok, I promise. You’ll be right back to Square One.
Haley: Grrrrr. OK, fine, let’s hear your big spectacular compromise. But I’m making no promises that I won’t still make orc-flavored sno-cones for everyone.
Hank: OK, the deal all revolves around this: You never actually quit the Thieves’ Guild at all.
Haley: Uh, yes I did.
Celia: No, you didn’t.
Haley: Hank, you were THERE. I totally DID quit!
Hank: Yes, OK, obviously, you did quit. But we spread the word around town that you didn’t, really – that all appearances to the contrary were part of a clever ruse. We tell people that you were actually on a secret undercover mission, infiltrating an adventuring party. That way, the Guild keeps its rep intact – and they have no reason to try to kill you. Hell, our rep improves if we also let slip that you blew back into town carrying the bones of your former party leader. Every party of heroes in the North will need to hire a Guild-approved rogue, or wonder if their supposed freelancer is really an assassin, planted by us to punish them for hiring scabs! And if you were always a Guild member all along –
Haley: Oh, gods, I see it now: If I was always a licensed Guild Member, then my theft at Grubwiggler’s castle MUST have been an approved Guild burglary.
Celia: Exactly.
Haley: Which means the Guild must withdraw any protection it provides to Grubwiggler in order to keep up the illusion that thia was planned all along. Heck, it would be in their best interest to help us break in again! We’ll have Roy’s body back in our hands before the weekend!
Hank: So, that’s the short version of the deal: You stop killing Guild members, and we all help you get your leader back.
Haley: Well…I have to think about it. I mean, I guess it seems like a–
Belkar: I think they’ve worked out a good plant to end this pointless conflict without anymore lives lost, and I support it fully. Let’s stop the violence.
Hank: There, see? Even you other party member agrees which means–
Haley: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Hank: Huh?
Belkar: Humans! Go figure, right? Say, how well-stocked is the Guild’s pantry? On a scale of 1 to 10?

Spoiler: Strip 621

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At Least There Weren't Any Cryptograms
Haley, Celia, Crystal, Hank

Haley: This is so weird.
<sign text> THIEVES' GUILD. SEC Approved.
Celia: How so?
Haley: “How so”?? An hour ago, I was killing these people left, right and center. Now, I’m moving back into my old room at their guildhouse.
Celia: That’s the power of a peaceful solution! Plus, Pete’s house is still full of corpses, so we need to sleep somewhere.
Crystal: I don’t care if you’re back in the Guild, I’ll get you for this someday, Starshine! You and your little ranger, too!
Haley: Yeah, uh, I hate to break this to you, but your “peaceful solution” only worked because Belkar and I ladled the violence on first.
Celia: Maybe, maybe not. I’m sure there could have been a compromise even from the start if a more skilled negotiator than myself had been present. As it was, I did the best I could, given the circumstances. I only wish so many hadn’t needed to suffer.
Hank: Don’t worry, Celia, I have no intention of going back on my part of the deal. Celia stipulated as part of the truce that we get the Church of Loki to raise from the dead every Guild thief that you guys killed back there.
Celia: And Roy, too, obviously, once we get his body back.
Hank: Right. All for the cost of the diamonds needed for the spells.
Haley: Wow, even at cost, that’s going to get expensive!
Hank: I’m not worried, given our recent financial windfall. If you know what I’m saying.
Haley: What, Old Blind Pete’s stuff? Won’t you lose that if you raise him?
Hank: Oh, I got Pete specifically excluded. We need someone to pin today’s whole mess on publicly, and he makes a better scapegoat than most. Within 24 hours, the word on the street will be that Pete crossed the Guild again, and we took him down the hard way. No one likes a backstabber. I mean, figurative backstabbers, not literal ones like you or me. Besides, his recently-acquired estate was not the windfall to which I was referring.
Haley: Well, either way, I’m keeping this bow.
Hank: Fine by me, but we’re going to need the rest of it as soon as possible.
Haley: The rest of what? What is he talking about?
Celia: Oh, uh, right…Well it turns out there were a few…uh…book keeping corrections…that needed to be straightened out in order for you to be put back on the Guild rolls.
Haley: Such as?
Celia: Well…you now retroactively ow them 50% of everything you’ve ever stolen since you first left the Thieves’ Guild.
Haley: WHAT?!?
Celia: It was necessary to make things look realistic, and we don’t need money to save Roy now!
Haley: Do you have any idea how much – You ditz! Do you even know what you’ve done.
Celia: If I had to guess, I’d say that I betrayed your principles all over the friggin’ place.

Spoiler: Strip 622

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Don't Hate the Player Character...
Belkar, Mr. Scruffy, Haley, Celia, Barber, Jenny

Belkar: ♪ Hey, Mr. Scruffy, I’m back. Back up.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!
Belkar: No, no, back up.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow! Meow! Meow!
Belkar: check it out: Pastrami, and turkey, both with extra pickles. Plus, a little treat for you: A mackerel! Enjoy.
Mr. Scruffy: Meow! Meow! Meow!
Belkar: So, looks like we’re staying here for a few days while we prepare to hit Froggy’s. Haley and Celia were screaming at each other for hours, but I’ll spare you the details.
<cutway>
Haley: You had no right!
Celia: I had every right to try to reverse deaths that I accidentally helped cause, through any means at my disposal!
Haley: Including using MY money?!?
Celia: You mean, money you stole from other people who earned it? Hell, yes!
<cutback>
Belkar: Eventually, they stormed off to separate corners. Celia went to talk to that Hank guy… While Haley ran out into the rain. Said she had an important errand to take care of in town that was better done sooner rather than later.
<cutaway>
Haley: Wow.
Barber: I’m sorry, I did the best I could with what’s left.
Haley: That is short. That is very very short. …But better, I guess.
<cutback>
Belkar: What a day, huh, Mr. Scruffy? This morning, I was a stiff breeze away from the end of the line, and now, we’re livin’ large in the Guild’s crib. And it’s all because of you, even if only indirectly.
<sfx> munch! munch!
Belkar: I can see now that everything I want out of life is right there, waiting for me. I jut need to reach out and grab it. Everyone tried so hard to block my path–and in the end, all they really did was force me to learn how to climb mountains. All the better from which to pee on them, heh. Anyway, it’s you and me from now on, pal.
Mr. Scruffy: Purrrrrrrrrr.
Belkar: We’re in this together, to the top fo the heap or bust, until the very, very end.
<sfx> munch! munch! rustle. rustle.
Jenny: Belkie…? I thought I heard you coming back. Did you bring me a sandwich?
Belkar: Well, there are exactly two sandwiches here, aren’t there? So no, I didn’t bring you a sandwich. They’re both for me.
<sfx> munch! rustle.
Jenny: Well, hurry back to bed, I’m feeling rested for another encounter.
Belkar: Go ahead and start a solo adventure, I’ll be in to join the quest when I’m done eating.

Spoiler: Strip 623

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Running Away
Soldier 1, Soldier 2, Soldier 3, Soldier 4, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Vaarsuvius

<flashback>
Soldier 1: : The caves are over this way!
Soldier 2: Wait for me!
<sfx> WUNNK!
Soldier 1: Ooof! What the-? Hey, I just ran into something invisible right here!
Soldier 3: It must be the elf!
Soldier 4: Use your magic! Save us!!
Soldier 1: Blast them to bits!
Soldier 3: No, turn us invisible too!
Soldier 4: No, just teleport us out of here!
Soldier 2: They’re coming…
Soldier 4: Just do something! I know you’re there, I can hear you breathing!
Soldier 1: Can’t you do anything?? You’re supposed to be the hero here!
Soldier 3: Just help us, please!
Soldier 2: Twelve Gods…there are so many of them…
<sfx> shlack! schlnk!
Soldier 4: Help us, please!
Soldier 3: Help us!
Soldier 2: Help–
Hobgoblin 1: Who do you think they were asking for help from, anyway?
Hobgoblin 2: Probably their stupid animal gods.
<sfx> shthurk!
Soldier 4: Unnnh! Elf, if you’re still here…I hope you choke on your useless goddamn magic.
<end flashback>
Vaarsuvius: *GASP!* NO! No…I must not trance…it is…inefficient. Yes, it is inefficient to review the same memory, over and over. And over. Nowhere does ti state that I must trance in order to regain spells. I must merely rest. Rest for eight hours. I must not engaged in any demanding mental tasks. I must empty my mind completely, while still progressing at my task.
<book text> Finding Plot Holes FOR DUMMIES.
Vaarsuvius: Ahhh…Perfect.

Spoiler: Strip 624

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This Happens to Telemarketers All the Time
Vaarsuvius, Qarr

Vaarsuvius: There. Now that I have successfully replenished my magical compliment for the day, I am ready to continue my research. The first question to be addressed on this day’s agenda: Why is a small imp invisibly lurking about my island? See Invisibility.
Qarr: Oh crap! Tele–
Vaarsuvius: No. No teleportation. Dimensional Anchor!
Qarr: Crap! Crap! CRAP!
Vaarsuvius: Bugsby’s Grasping Hand.
<sfx> GRASP!
Qarr: Damn it! How long have you known?
Vaarsuvius: Four days. However, yesterday was the first time that your fumbling endeavours at staying silent actually rose to the level of distraction.
Qarr: Ah, hell, I should have suspected that you knew when you turned yourself invisible before peeing.
Vaarsuvius: Actually, that has simply become a habit when camping outdoors. It frustrated a halfling I once knew to no end. Tell me, are you seeking revenge? For my victory over the devil you had summoned?
Qarr: No! No, I swear! I was just observing you. Trying to figure out why you were reading books on a tiny rock in the middle of the ocean.
Vaarsuvius: I am conducting arcane research in the nearest local that was free of mundane interruptions. Emphasis on the word “was”. Now that I have dispelled your curiosity, you no longer have any reason to stay. I therefore bid you farewell. Bugsby’s Flicking Finger!
<sfx> FLICK!
Qarr: OK, well, all my molecules are still attached to my other molecules, so I guess that went pretty well for a cold call.
Vaarsuvius: Bugsby’s Expressive Single Digit!
<sfx> FLIP!
Qarr: You know, relatively.

Spoiler: Strip 625

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Bargain Hunter
Qarr, Vaarsuvius

Qarr: So…hey there, again.
Vaarsuvius: Great gods of magic, have you actually returned?
Qarr: Yeah, well, this green stuff you did to me hasn’t worn off, so I can’t teleport away yet, I figured I’d give this one more shot.
Vaarsuvius: I do not have very much patience right now. I entreat you to provideme with but a solitary reason that I should not vaporize you where you hover.
Qarr: I can help you. With research.
Vaarsiuvius: Highly unlikely.
Qarr: No, it’s true. I may be an imp, but I’m also a pretty good sorcerer. I probably know a few avenues of magical study that you haven’t yet considered.
Vaarsuvius: Impossible. My methodology has been quite exhaustive.
Qarr: Yeah, uh, I can see that. Have you tried adding virgin’s blood to your spell reagents?
Vaarsuvius: How could that possibly affect the spell?
Qarr: I don’t know exactly, I don’t know what kind of spell you are working on. But I find that virign’s blood is kind of like tabel salt: You can’t go wrong with a little sprinkle here or there.
Vaarsuvius: That is reprehensible, depraved, and most importantly, highly impractical given our current location. This project is time-sensitive, and the added effort needed to procure such an ingredient would more than offset any boost in efficiency it might provide.
Qarr: OK, OK, well, it was only my first suggestion. The point is, we can work together on something.
Vaarsuvius: And why, precisely, would you have any interest in assisting me in the first place?
Qarr: You smoked my boss…where I’m from, that puts you at the top of the food chain. See, the first lesson of being 18-inches tall is: Find someone more powerful than you are, and glue your lips to their ass.
Vaarsuvius: What a charming visual image you have conjured. Truly, you are a painter with words.
Qarr: Kubota had ambition, sure, but his power was mostly political – and when the political system fell apart, so did he. Literally, in the end. But you, you’ve got real power. Do you know how few wizards make ti past 10th level? An imp like me, I can appreciate that sort of power. I’m just suggesting a…a partnership, of sorts. I help you with your research, and afterwards you help me out with a certain project of my own.
Vaarsuvius: What sort of project, exactly?
Qarr: Nothing that a mage like you couldn’t finish in a few weeks, at the most.
Vaarsuvius: You make an intriguing offer, one that is very tempting.
Qarr: By design.
Vaarsuvius: It would seem that I have little alternative than to answer thudly: DISINTEGRATE!
<sfx> ZZZAPPPP!!!!
Qarr: WHOA! Hey, you almost hit me with that!
Vaarsuvius: Apologies. I will endeavor to aim more accurately next round, spawn of Hell!

Spoiler: Strip 626

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Good to the Last Drip
Vaarsuvius, Qarr, Ancient Black Dragon

Vaarsuvius: Your aerial elusions shall not keep you from joining your former master in his fabulous new career as a low-concentration saltwater colution. Disintegrate!
<sfx> ZZZAPP!!
Qarr: Quit it! Look, I’m sorry I said anything! Stop shooting me and I’ll just fly away, OK?
Vaarsuvius: No, I think it is anything but “OK” fiend! Disintegrate!
<sfx> ZZZAAPP!!
Vaarsuvius: Did you really think me that stupid? That I would throw my lot in with you for a few unproductive magical tricks? Disintegrate!
<sfx> ZZAPP!!
Qarr: Wait, elf, look be– Aaargh!!
Vaarsuvius: I shall conquer this minor setback through my own diligence, devil, or not at all! I am no fledgling human aristocrat, ready to risk damnation for fleeting dominance in thie mortal coil!
<sfx> SPLOOSH!
Qarr: Be…
Vaarsuvius: It would take a great deal more than a handful of misplaced acquaintances before I would consider allying myself with the…
Qarr: …hind….
Vaarsuvius: …forces of…darkness?
<sfx> splink!
Ancient Black Dragon: Say “Disintegrate” one more time, Vaarsuvius. For me.

Spoiler: Strip 627

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Power Outage
Vaarsuvius, Ancient Black Dragon, Qarr

Vaarsuvius: *gasp!* Prismatic Spray!
Ancient Black Dragon: No.
<sfx> WOOSH!!!
Vaarsuvius: Rrrnnh! You wretched imp, what is your game? Have the dragon dissolve me if I do not accept your offer?
Qarr: What?? I’ve never seen her before in my life! I tried to warn you!
Vaarsuvius: As if I would believe the protestations of one such as you.
Qarr: Please! If I knew an ancient black dragon, would I be wasting my time on a second-stringer like you??? Now shush, I’m trying to Fast heal over here.
Vaarsuvius: Forcecage!
Ancient Black Dragon: Very good, and excellent choice. I am quite confined for about a day, while you are free to escape and replenish your 6th and 7th level spells. You are as skilled as my information led me to believe. I must at admit. I too have a passion for the arcane arts…even moreso than the others of my kind. I am curious however…what would happen if we turned the magic off? Anti-magic field. Fascinating. It appears that you cease to be a mighty wizard and become a fragile pointy-eared monkey. While I? I am still a dragon.
<sfx> CRACKKKK!

Spoiler: Strip 628

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Every Parent's Worst Nightmare
Ancient Black Dragon, Vaarsuvius, Oracle

Ancient Black Dragon: Now that we have established who is in control here, we are going to have a little chat, you and I. Do you know who I am, Vaarsuvius?
Vaarsuvius: Unnnh…I am…beginning to suspect. You are the second dragon from the Starmetal Cave…the older one, who enshrined the meteor in the first place.
Ancient Black Dragon: Again, very good. All that trance-deprivation may have ruined your aim, but not your deductive reasoning. And do you know why I am here?
Vaarsuvius: …To retrieve the starmetal?
Ancient Black Dragon: Ah, yes, because that is what we dragons are to you, right? Monsters that hoard shiny baubles? I assure you, I do not give a damn about a chunk of metal no bigger than a field mouse.
Vaarsuvius: I see. Then it is revenge that you seek.
Ancient Black Dragon: Yes. I am going to tell you a story, because I require that you understand what will happen next.
<flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> I left my son – my only child – alone to guard our home for a few months while I visited his uncle. He was olde enough to be by himself, and I thougth he might appreciate the responsibility. I told him not to have any wild parties while I was gone, but I expected that he would have some friends over. Perhaps that nice green dragon girls from the next woods over. I try to be open-mined you, know. When I returned, do you know what I found?
<end flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: NOTHING! My son was gone, along with out hoard! I later found out his very ashes had dissolved into the swamp. I had nothing left of him! And he himself was all that I had left of his father, who was lost to adventurers just like you–his skin made into armor for the party leader to wear.
Vaarsuvius: How did you–
Ancient Black Dragon: How did I discover that it had been you that killed my boy?
<flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> My people have an Oracle, given to us by our goddess.
Oracle: I apologise for the delay, Madam. Had to banish a human ghost who just wouldn’t leave. Thinks the whole campaign revolves around him.
<end flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: Once he provided your name, scrying on you was simple enough. Your zeal to find your missing comrades has led you to forget to shield yourself from your enemies. Or were you so arrogant as to assume that you had not made any enemies? Probably that.
<flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> At first, you were too well-protected: A bard, a cleric of Thor, two paladins…even a ninja. All high level. I might have prevailed had I attacked the fleet, but I did not want to take risks. I only had one chance at surprise. I decided to wait and watch, to study your habits and those of your allies. Imagine my surprise when you separated yourself from them of your own volition.
<end flashback>
Ancient Black Dragon: It was then that I know that I only needed to wait until something caused you to expend all of your high-level spells. Something like your spat with the imp. And here we are.
Vaarsuvius: So now, you will execute me? For killing your offspring? Very well, I deny nothing and shall not give you the satisfaction of begging for–
Ancient Black Dragon: No. Why would I explain all of this if I was just going to kill you? No, now…Now I will kill your children.

Spoiler: Strip 629

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One Chance
Ancient Black Dragon, Green Haired Child, Red Haired Child, Inkyrius, Vaarsuvius

Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> You have two children, both age 26, left in the care of your mate, in the village of Ivyleaf, in the northern reaches of the Elven Homeland. Your cottage is tan with red shutters. I have been there twice already, invisibly…studying it.
Red Haired Child: <Parent, do you think Other Parent will be returning home soon?>*
<text> *Translated from Elven.
Inkyrius: <I’m not sure, Loved One. I think one of these years certainly.>
Red Haired Child: <I hope so, I made a picture fo Other Parent from glitter and macaroni. I would very much like to present it.>
Green Haired Child: <I helped!>
Red Haired Child: <Did not!>
Inkyrius: <Oh, that is beautiful! I am sure it will be well received when your Other Parent finishes mastering the ways fo magic and comes home. Now go wash up, both of you. Lunch is ready.>
Ancient Black Dragon: <voiceover> They should be home from kindergarten by now, don’t you think?
<cutway>
Ancient Black Dragon: When I am done speaking, I am going to teleport directly there, and then I will eat them alive. Slowly. Feet-first. I will then bind their souls to me with two necromantic scrolls that I acquired for this purpose. And I will disappear. I will leave this plane of existence, and you will never find me. I tell you all of this because it is not enough for me to simply kill you. You have taken my baby from em. I demand that you suffer the full measure of pain that I feel. As a parent, I am sure you understand.
Vaarsuvius: No! You monstrous–
Ancient Black Dragon: Your struggles are meaningless. If you had any power to stop me, you would have already used it. Without your magic, you are nothing. With your magic…you are still less than I am. Humanoids. You think that just because my kind has stats fro every stage of growth, it si perfectly acceptable to murder our children. Let us see how much XP your brood is worth, shall we? It will only take a few minutes. Who knows? Maybe I’ll go all the way and skin your mate alive for a garment. Perhaps a hat. Dismiss Anti-magic Field.
Vaarsuvius: You shall not depart this place! Dimensional Anchor!
Ancient Black Dragon: Your aim really is terrible these days, isn’t it? Greater Teleport.
<sfx> POP!
Vaarsuvius: AAAAARGH!!!!!

Spoiler: Strip 630

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Shoot the Messenger
Vaarsuvius, Qarr, Lien, Inkyrius

Vaarsuvius: No. NO! I cannot allow my power to fail me again. If arcane magic cannot solve a problem such as this, then I should never have left my family in order to seek it out…and this would never have happened. There must be a solution, I simply need to concentrate to find it.
Qarr: Wow, that came out of the blue, huh? “What a tweest!”
Vaarsuvius: SILENCE! I am attempting to focus my thoughts, you worthless cretin! It is like thinking through quicksand…
Qarr: Hey, hey, calm down. Listen, for what it’s worth, I’m on your side here. Let me help. Free of charge.
Vaarsuvius: Why? What are your motives for doing so?
Qarr: If I told you my motives and they were not to your liking, would you have the luxury of rejecting any help then that I could offer?
Vaarsuvius: …No, I suppose I would not. Very well, then teleport me to the Elven Homelands, to the tower of Master Aarindarius, the elf who taught me magic. Dispel Magic.
Qarr: Now hold on, I can only–
Vaarsuvius: I have freed you from my abjuration, now teleport me to my master’s tower NOW!
Qarr: HEY! Listen to me! I can’t DO that! I’m ony capable of teleporting myself and 50 pounds of unliving material!
Vaarsuvius: …Then you shall relay a message instead, since I did not prepare Sending this morning.
<cutaway>
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> No, wait, Aarindarius would never believe a fiend, even if you could penetrate the tower’s spell defenses.
<sfx> POP!
Qarr: Hello? I have a message here for – AAAAH!!!
Qarr: <voiceover> What about your pals on the boat.
<cutover>
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> Even less likely, given that they have legitimate grievances against you, specifically.
<sfx> POP!
Qarr: Hello? I have a message here for – AAAAH!!!
Lien: SMITE EVIL! Ha! Lord Hinjo, I found the imp!
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: At any rate, they do not possess the ability to intercept the dragon.
Qarr: Really? It said it was worried about attacking the fleet…
Vaarsuvius: Yes, and the fleet remains hundreds fo miles away from my home village! They have no means of arriving in time.
Qarr: How long do you think your mate could hold off an ancient black dragon? If I managed to beat her there and raise the alarm?
Vaarsuvius: My mate? My MATE?!? My mate is an apprentice baker, you moron!
<cutaway>
<sfx> POP!
Qarr: Hello? I have a message here for –
Inkyrius: AAAAH!!!
Vaarsuvius: What possible preparations could a pastry chef make to increase their chances of fighting a dragon?!?
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: <voiceover> I know, you could relay knowledge of the secret gap in the dragon’s underbelly scales that is the exact siza and shape of a banana nut muffin!
Qarr: Yah, OK, good, and then your mate could throw the –
Vaarsuvius: THERE IS NO SUCH GAP!
Qarr: Well, excuse me, I didn’t get as close a look as you did. Yeesh.

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Who Doesn't Get Ten of These a Week?
Qarr, Vaarsuvius

Qarr: OK, what if we concentrate on finding the dragon AFTER it’s left this plane of existence? To get your kids’ souls back?
Vaarsuvius: Recent experiences have left me unconvinced that divinations are accurate enough to warrant doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING while my FAMILY DIES! Begone from here, imp! You are wasting previous time if you cannot give me what I require. Perhaps my books…
Qarr: Oh, right, because I can just wave my fairy wand and POOF, you can teleport. Sure, I’ll get right on that, Mr. Elf, sir.
Vaarsuvius: Is that not what tempters of your ilk do? Provide those willing to bargain with any extranormal abilities they may require?
Qarr: What…like a literal sell-your-soul sort of thing?
Vaarsuvius: YES! You are a devil, and I require power, NOW! Do you understand? I cannot fail again!
Qarr: Whoa, buggy, I’m an imp. That sort of thing is way above my pay grade!
Vaarsuvius: Then what were you offering to me just a few minutes ago?
Qarr: I had some tips on using evil spell components that I was hoping to trade for helping me find some evil chalice that my supervisor won’t shut up about. If I happened to nudge you towards doing some evil in the process, hey, bonus points for me. I mean, an honest-to-evilness Faustian Deal…I’d have to contact the home office.
Vaarsuvius: Then do it! Do what you must quickly, every moment we converse reduces my chances of success.
Qarr: Look, I’ll put in a request for an application, but you have to understand that they only approve one or two of these things in a century. I applied on behalf of Kubota eight times, and all I ever got back was a form letter. “We regret to inform you that your application on behalf of Daimyo Kubota of Azure City has been rejected due to insufficient projected returns on our initial investment.” Now, it’ll probably tak them about an hour to get back to me with the paperwork.
Vaarsuvius: An hour?!? My adopted progeny will be long dead by then, imp!
Qarr: …And it’s probably a good time to mention that the application is 666 pages long.
Vaarsuvius: I cannot…I cannot believe this. Even if the dragon takes time to gloat – which I fully expect – we may already be too –
<sfx> POP!
Qarr: Huh. That’s weird.
Vaarsuvius: What is that? Is that the application form?
Qarr: Not exactly
<letter text> IFCC, 9 Hells Plaza, Lower Planes 00999. FIRST-CLASS INTERPLANAR POSTAGE PERMIT #13. You’ve been Pre-approved! An Exclusive Offer for: Vaarsuvius, Tiny Island, Ocean, Mortal Plane, 00001. NO interest! NO annual fee! NO fine print!

Spoiler: Strip 632

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My Three Fiends
Qarr, Vaarsuvius, Lee, Cedrik, Nero

Qarr: I don’t understand, I’ve never seen one of these before.
Vaarsuvius: Open it! Open it NOW!
Lee: Greetings!
Cedrik: Salutations!
Nero: I just transferred my consciousness from the lower planes, and boy, are my arms tired!
Qarr: Wait, who are you? You’re not my regular supervisors.
Lee: Yes, we got special permission to intercede on this account.
Cedrik: We’re the Inter-Fiend Cooperation Commission.
Nero: A community-based grassroots organization dedicated to building bridges between the diabolic, daemonic, and demonic populations.
<card text> LEE. Director IFCC.
<card text> NERO. Director IFCC.
<card text> CEDRIK. Director IFCC.
Qarr: Huh, I’ve never heard of you.
Lee: Not surprising, we’re still pretty new. Out PR campaign is still waititn on final approval:
Cedrik: Our slogan is “Blood War, Huh, Who Is It Good for?”
Nero: Good gods, y’all!
Vaarsuvius: Cease your babbling all of you! Give me what I require NOW! There is no time left!
Lee: Relax, mortal.
Cedrik: An advanced Time Stop effect covered this island the moment the envelope was opened.
Nero: We don’t like being rushed when making a deal.
Vaarsuvius: …If time is stopped…then I may have additional options! I must prepare to –
Lee: Believe me, elf, there are no preparations that you could make that would trump what we can offer you:
Cedrik: Magical power beyond your wildest imaginings!*
Nero: *Based on typical wild imaginings of previous customers matching your demographic profile. Additional terms and restrictions may apply.

Spoiler: Strip 633

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Where Do You See Yourself in Five Million Years?
Vaarsuvius, Lee, Cedrik, Nero, Jephton

Vaarsuvius: You have the means and the willingness to give me what I need to save my children?
Lee: “Give”? No. Do we look like socialists?
Cedrik: We offer a trade of one good for one service.
Nero: Obviously, you have the good. Or the neutral, as the case may be.
Cedrik: Each of us has the power, as duly appointed representatives of our respective planar domains, to initiate a procedure known as a sould splice.
Nero: Don’t bother looking it up, it’s a special once-a-century deal.
Lee: It allows us to graft one of the souls that have been damned to our Lower Plane directly to the soul fo a living mortal – allowing that mortal to access all of the arcane powers that the damned soul held when alive.
Cedrik: As a special limited-time offer, we propose for all three of us to splice your soul at the same time.
Nero: Binding the three most powerful evil mages whose soul we command to your own.
Lee: Their epic spells should compliment your own spellcasting deficits most superbly.
Cedrik: Ganonron, Terror of a Thousand Planes! A conjurer who teleported vast armies to conquer world after world.
Nero: Haerta Bloodsoak, Destoryer of Hope! A necromancer who casually ended lives with but a thought.
Lee: Jephton the Unholy, Spawn of Hatred! A sorcerer-archamage, master of arcane flexibility!
Jephton: I don’t need to prepare spell slots!
Nero: The amount of raw energy from your four combined souls would dwarf that wielded by any mortal arcane spellcaster who has ever lived.
Lee: Because never before have all three races fo fiend cooperated in order to bring this about.
Cedrik: This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity…and the lifetime in question is that of the entire multiverse.
Vaarsuvius: …I have a few inquiries.
Nero: As is only natural.
Vaarsuvius: How long does this “splice” last?
Lee: For as long as you can hold onto it. The greater your willpower, the longer the ride.
Cedrik: A few minutes, a few hours…maybe even a few days? I’m sure someone of yoru unimpeachable mental fortitude could make it last for weeks if need be.
Vaarsuvius: And my sould will remain in complete control of this gestalt entity for the entire duration?
Nero: Oh, definitely.
Cedrik: You would be the final word, on what got done, how, and when.
Lee: Complete control of the other three.
Vaarsuvius: And for this, you would have eternal dominion over my immortal soul once I died?
Nero: What? No! No, no, no!
Lee: How would that be fair?
Cedrik: No, all we ask for is an even trade.
Nero: Each one of us will get your sould for the saem amount of time that you are under the effects of their Soul Splice.
Lee: So, maintain all three splices for an hour, your soul spends one hour with me, then one hour each with my two associates.
Cedrik: Exact order of custody to be determined at a later point.
Vaarsuvius: Then if the deal is fair – a factof which I remain skeptical – then why would you agree to this? What possible benefit would you derive from helping me?
Nero: In this case, helping is its own reward.
Cedrik: You’re our proof-of-concept.
Lee: Can archfiends from three different fiendish races work together?
Nero: Your actual situation is more or less irrelevant to us. We were just waiting for the next request to come down the line.
Lee: As we said to the imp, we’re still a pretty new organization. Almost experimental, you might say.
Cedrik: If we succeed in this fairly textbook temptation by offerin services greater than any one of us could provide by themselves, then we can request greater funding and support from the higher-ups. Or lower-downs, in this case.
Nero: And when the devils, daemons and demons unite under our commission’s logo someday, we will storm the gates of the Upper Planes and lay waste to all that is pure and holy.
Lee: The cries of the slaughter will echo across the firmament, briefly, before they are silenced by the claws fo our bretheren!
Cedrik: The blood of angels will flow like rivers, and we will gather around great dispensers of it to discuss the previous evening’s televised entertainment!
Nero: But, y’know, that’s more of a long-term goal.
Lee: One action item at a time. Don’t put the hellcart before the demon-horse, my dad always says!

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