The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 652 to 672
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
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Spoiler: Strip 652

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No Respect for the Wicked
Xykon, Vaarsuvius, Ganonron, Jephton, Redcloak, Jirix

Xykon: Someone tell the TeeVo to cancel Movie Night…I think we’ve got oru own little action-comedy-drama here.
Ganonron: Do you feel that?
Jephton: Behind us!
Vaarsuvius: Time St–
<sfx> BZZZZZWUMM!! fizzle!
Vaarsuvius: ARRRRGH!!!
Redcloak: See? SEE?
Xykon: Fine, fine, I admit: Installing magic traps that zap anyone casting an arcane spell other than be and Pigtail Chick was NOT a total waste of an afternoon.
Vaarsuvius: Skeletal buffoon! Your meager defences will not save you from me! Quickened Chain Lightning!
Jephton: Strike them all down!
Ganonron: Actually, liches are immune to electricity.
<sfx> zzzap! zzzap! zzzap! zzzap! zzzap! zzzap!
Xykon: They got you to waste your surprise round, Mystery Elf, so they were money well spent. Though how you can have 10th level spell slots and still blow a Concentration check THAT easy is beyond me. So, what’s your deal, then? The elves finally found a way to slip through my defenses, so they thought they’d send someone in to take me out? Help your old friends, the Bluebeards?
Vaarsuvius: You cannot possibly comprehend the path that has brought me to–
Xykon: Oh, sorry, that was rhetorical. I don’t really want to hear your backstory, Mr.-or-Mrs. Spock. Energy Drain!
Ganonron: AAAHH!
Jephton: NNHHHH!
Vaarsuvius: Ha! Your necromantic syphon has no effect on me, sorcerer!
Ganonron: No effect on YOU, maybe, but his level drain got BOTH of us!
Jephton: I lost my epic spell slots! I din’t even get to cast one of those yet!
Vaarsuvius: We have many high-level spells remaining. We shall triumph in this contest. We must.
<cutaway>
Jirix: What the hell is going on?!?
Redcloak: What, this? You’e be surprised how often people pop in to kill you when you’re doing an evil scheem. Remind me when this is over, I’ll tell you about the time, back in the day, when a dozen druids jumped out of our potted fern. Though something here IS a little…off. That Energy Drain should have had some effect on the wizard…True Seeing. Of course! Soul splices! I should have known immediately!
Ganonron: I have no more Time Stop spells prepared. Should we try Disjunction?
Jephton: That was Haerta’s spell. As was most of the necromancy.
Vaarsuvius: Then let us attempt–
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: Empowered Sunburst!
Xykon: NNNRGHHH!
Vaarsuvius: Quickened Dimensional Anchor!
Xykon: Wait, YOU are trying to stop ME from escaping?? Someone got two scoops of self-esteem in their raisin bran this morning!
Redcloak: Xykon, the elf is using two Soul Splices!
Xykon: Oh, I get it now. You only have a king or queen showing, but you’ve got a pair of jacks in the hole, am I right?
Vaarsuvius: There is little reason to deny it. I am channeling the raw unlimited energies of two of the most powerful souls ever damned to the lower planes.
Xykon: Oh, you poor dumb elf. Don’t you get it? Be a vampire, or a ghost, or an immortal with a paint-by-numbers portrait in the rec room. Hell, even a brain-in-a-jar, in a pinch. Anything to avoid the Big Fire Below. So what this tells me is– you’re channeling the “raw unlimited energies” of two chumps who didn’t have the balls to stay in the game! So MAXIMIZED Energy Drain, dumbass.
Ganonron: AAAAAAH!!!
Jephton: NOOOOOOOO!!

Spoiler: Strip 653

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Fun While It Lasted
Vaarsuvius, Xykon, Tsukiko, Redcloak, Jirix, Ganonron, Jephton

Vaarsuvius: Bixby’s Crushing Hand!
<sfx> crunch!
Vaarsuvius: That ought to prevent you from–
Xykon: Look, I know you elves are all with the touchy-feely hug stuff, but try to respect my personal boundaries. Still Meteor Swarm. Incidentally, here’s a pro tip for you: If your’e going to use area effect spells, craft yourself a magic item that makes you immune to that type of damage.
<cutaway>
Tsukiko: Geeze, can you men keep the rakect down up here? I know we all have fun torturing the paladin, but I’m trying to get a little shut-eye here.
Redcloak: Tsukiko! Perfect!
Tsukiko: I know I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need my beauty sleep. Wait – who the hell is that, and why is she fighting Xykon when she looks like she should be asking for a team-up?
Jirix: No idea. Some elf.
Redcloak: She’s using an effect called a Soul Splice, which means she’s probably using all of her focus just holding on to her power. I don’t suppose you have any spells prepared that would impair willpower?
Tsukiko: Goblin, please. I go to bed with more spells prepared than you start the day with. Mind Fog!
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: Your villainy comes to an end this day! Disintegrate!
<sfx> zzzzap!! deflect!
Xykon: Yeah, see, I’m not feeling it. You just don’t have that “righteous outrage” tone. What’s really going on here?
<cutaway>
Jirix: Is it working?
Tsukiko: No…the elf must have some sort of protection from mind-affecting spells. Probably Mind Blank.
Redcloak: In that case, Greater Dispel Magic!
<cutback>
Vaarsuvius: My power…EXCEEDS yours!!
Xykon: Oh, so you’re some sort of arcane Geroge Mallory, then? You want to fight me ‘cause I’m here? Hey, I can respect that. I take that as a compliment.
<cutaway>
Redcloak: Damn it, my caster level can’t overcome the elf’s. Xykon! Dispel! Do you hear me? DISPEL!!!
<cutback>
Xykon: Of course, it does leave me in the position of having no reason to go easy on you. Your basic knight-on-a-valiant-quest is one thing, but a challenge to my rep? That needs to be met with all means at my disposal, I think. Even if it means taking tactical advice from my lackeys. Superb Dispelling.
Vaarsuvius: My defenses! My flight spell! I feel so…woozy…I–I must retreat. Greater Tele–
Ganonron: Do not worry! We are still here!
Jephton: Even epic magic cannot break our–
Xykon: LAST STOP!
<sfx> WHHNK!
Vaarsuvius: AAAAHH!
Xykon: Please make sure you have all personal belongings with you before exiting the elf!
Ganonron: Whoops. Tough break, kid.
Jephton: Later!

Spoiler: Strip 654

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Cages (Steel and Otherwise)
Monster in the Darkness, O-Chul, Demon Roach

Monster in the Darkness: Excuse me? Mr. Elf? Could we maybe get another Sunburst spell over this way?
O-Chul: Nnnngh!!
Monster in the Darkness: Hey, what are you doing, Mr. Stiffly?
Demon Roach: Don’t you know Bend Bars rolls have been gone for a while?
O-Chul: Keep your– nnnnngh!–voice down, please.
<sfx> KATANG!
Monster in the Darkness: Oh, man! The cagesmith is not gonna be happy about that!
O-Chul: I will be sure to weep for his lost masterpiece later.
Demon Roach: HEY! Jailbreak! Helloooo, we have a jailbreak over– Ah, crap.
<sfx> SQUILCH!
Monster in the Darkness: How did you –
O-Chul: This bar has been lose for several weeks.
Monster in the Darkness:Then why didn’t you –
O-Chul: Because then was not the time for action. Now, is.
<sfx> poof!
Monster in the Darkness: Wait! Mr. Stiffly, the exit is the other way! Where are you going?
O-Chul: To do my duty.
Monster in the Darkness: Again? They just brought the bucket around an hour ago.
O-Chul: No, my duty. My obligation to my dead comrades and my late Lord. Or Lords, as the case may be.
Monster in the Darkness: But Xykon will kill you if you go out there!
O-Chul: Almost certainly. I go nonetheless. Listen to me my friend. Listen to me, my friend. Listen carefully. We must all do what we think is right. Whatever happens to me next. I want you to think about all that I have taught you. Think about the game we just played. Think about how I have treated you, and how your so-called friends have treated you. You have the power to leave the vile path down which they would have you led. I know this is because you have shown me enough clues over these long months for me to finally understand you. You may not know exactly what you are – but I do.
Monster in the Darkness: You do? Really? Then what am I?
O-Chul: A good man. Farewell, my gentle friend.
Monster in the Darkness: Wait, Mr. Stiffly! Mr. Stiffly! MR. STIFFLY! O-CHUL!!

Spoiler: Strip 655

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With a Critical Eye
Xykon, Tsukiko, Redcloak, Jirix, O-Chul

Xykon: I can’t believe you tried scry-and-die on me. ME. You can’t even imagine the ways I’m going to hurt you.
<cutaway>
<door tect> STAIRS
Tsukiko: ‘Kay, I’m goin’ back to bed now. Have fun with your new toy.
Redcloak: Jirix, organize a search of the tower. See if any other elves broke through the Cloister.
Jirix: Yes, Supreme Leader.
Redcloak: I’ll be right behind you, I just need to check on my prison–er. Disintegrate!
O-Chul: Smite–
<sfx> SQLLRCH!
Redcloak: Aaarrrgghh!
O-Chul: –Evil.
Redcloak: My eye! You human bastard, my eye!
O-Chul: No more spells.
<sfx> snap!
O-Chul: No more goblin.
Redcloak: –Word of Recall!
<sfx> pop! KATHUNNK!
O-Chul: …No more lich, then.

Spoiler: Strip 656

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It Probably Squeaks, Too
Jirix, Xykon, Vaarsuvius, Cedrik, Lee, Nero, Qarr

Jirix: Supreme Leader? Are you OK? I thought I heard you– *gasp* XYKO–
<sfx> splurnkth!
<cutaway>
Xykon: I’m sort of in the middle of– HEY! Hands off the bling, Scarface!! Meteor Swarm!
Vaarsuvius: Invisibility.
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
Xykon: Yeah, it’s gonna take more than a few whacks with a metal bar to scuff the finish, pally. There are so many abjuration spells protecting that thing, I’ve forgotten what half of them actually do. Maximized Lightning Bolt.
<cutaway>
Cedrik: Where’d the elf go?
Lee: Turned invisible while you were in the john. Here, I’ll adjust the screen.
Nero: I can’t believe I was rooting for a paladin for a moment there. I feel dirty.
<screen text> SEE INVISIBLE: OFF ON
Lee: There we go.
Nero: Making a beeline for the stairs.
Cedrik: Good. Get out of there already, I say.
Qarr: Can’t you guys, I don’t know, Plane Shift her out of there?
Lee: We can only act directly on the mortal plane when we’re making a deal.
Nero: That’s the main reason we need imps like you to run errands for us.
Cedrik: If the elf dies here, this whole thing was a huge waste of time.
Lee: Uh oh, guys, I think we have a problem.
Nero: What? What is it?
Cedrik: The bane of all invisible characters ever–
<cutback>
Cedrik: <voiceover> A closed door.
<door text> STAIRS
Xykon: Now, where did that elf go…?

Spoiler: Strip 657

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Second Chance
Xykon, O-Chul, Vaarsuvius

Xykon: You still in here, elf? Or did you cut and run? Let’s play Hide-and-Seek, just to be sure. I’m “It.” Actually, so are you, as near as I can tell.
O-Chul: unnnhhh…
Xykon: You seem to have an interest in power, so let me educate you a little while I search for you. It’s sort of this thing I like to do sometimes, especially for learned wizards such as yourself. Power, it isn’t something that you put on or take off like a jacket. It’s something you just ARE. If you can lose it by blowing two Will saves, you never really had any power in the first place, see what I’m saying. Hell, the idiot paladin understands better than you do, ‘cause he got every one of those hit points I burned off of him the hard way: he earned them. ‘Course, now he’s also earned an upgrade to Prisoner First Class for daring to touch my pretty little bauble. It’s sort of the same as how we’ve already been treating him, only now we get serious about it. Anyhoo, where was I? Oh, right. Your soul shenanigans are real flashy, but they had one weakness: they were shacked to your lame mid-level ass! I used to think spells equaled power, too, back when I was alive. I’ve learned a lot since then. You know what does equal power? Power. Power equals power. Crazy, huh? But the type of power? Doesn’t matter as much as you’d think. It turns out, everything is oddly balanced. Weird, but true. For example:
Vaarsuvius: Urrk!
Xykon: …Right now, power takes the form of a +8 racial bonus to Listen skill checks.
Vaarsuvius: Unnh! Gllch!
<sfx> skrrlch.
Xykon: So, Uncle Xykon, what’s the moral of the story? A big pile of spells isn’t enough when the other guy has a big pile of spells AND the strength to crush your windpipe with his bare phlanges.
Vaarsuvius: …
Xykon: And they died happily ever after. The End.

Spoiler: Strip 658

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A Bird in Hand
Xykon, Monster in the Darkness, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2, O-Chul, Vaarsuvius

Xykon: HEY!
<sfx> snatch!
Xykon: What would your fellow paladins say if they saw you picking pockets to make ends meet? You know, if I hadn’t murdered them.
<cutaway>
Monster in the Darkness:Oh, man, this is really tense! Run, O-Chul, run!
Demon Roach 1: Yeah, you BETTER run!
Demon Roach 2: Roach-killer!
<cutback>
Xykon: OK, seriously, I’m starting to actually get a little annoyed here. Bring the phylactery back, and I’ll let you keep two organs of your choice. Another Meteor Swarm. Act fast, this offer is for a limited time.
O-Chul: Get up! GET UP! Head for the hole in the wall!
Vaarsuvius: I hope…I hope you were not relying upon me to provide us with a magical escape. I have no flight spells left, much less any teleportation.
O-Chul: Don’t worry about it, escape had not really crossed my mind. Though if you have any spells that will increase my range with a thrown object, now would be a good time to cast them.
<sfx> pop!

Spoiler: Strip 659

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Flight of the Phylactery
Vaarsuvius, O-Chul, Blackwing, Xykon, Qarr, Lee, Nero, Cedrik

Vaarsuvius: Drop the amulet in the hole, then return.
O-Chul: May the Twelve Gods bless your flight.
Blackwing: Caw caw cawcaw caw caw…
Vaarsuvius: I hesitate to ask whether plans for escape have crossed your mind yet.
O-Chul: They haven’t. Now, we attack. FOR AZURE CITY!!
Xykon: Wow. You’ve got some +5 Holy Cajones on you, paladin, I’ll give you that. Mass Hold Person. The smart thing to do would have been to climb down the tower, rather than turning to face me. At least then, you would have had a chance to get my phylactery away from– Wait…Where IS my phylactery, anyway? …You cheeky son of a bitch.
Blackwing: Caw cawcawcaw…caw caw caw…caw caw caw cawcawcaw…*
<panel text> * So beautiful…but I don’t…I don’t understand…
<cutaway>
Qarr: What happens if the amulet falls into that weird…hole thingy?
Lee: I don’t know, but I bet the lich doesn’t either.
Nero: And he can’t risk blasting the raven, or it might fall in!
Cedrik: I don’t know why the bird’s just staring at the rift, though.
<cutback>
Xykon: Ha…Gotcha. Wait, what does that say on the–
<amulet text> Guess what spell I cast before giving this to the bird.

Spoiler: Strip 660

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Lucky Breaks
Xykon

<sfx> BOOM!!
Xykon: No no no no no no–
<sfx> poof!
Xykon: –NO! YES!
<sfx> bingk! bingk!
<statue text> OUR LEADER
<sfx> bongk!
<cover text> AZURE CITY PUBLIC WORKS
<sawhorse text> CAUTION
<sfx> sploosh!
<sign text> OCEAN
<sign text> ANACHRONISTIC SEWAGE PLANT
<sign text> OBLIGATORY SEWER-THEMED LABYRINTH

Spoiler: Strip 661

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The Path of Least Expectation
O-Chul, Xykon, Monster in the Darkness

O-Chul: Nnnnnn... nnnRAAARGH!!! Elf? I am finally turning my thoughts to escape, now. Try to shrug off the spell, as the Twelve Gods have helped me to do. ... No? Then I suppose I am carrying you.
Monster in the Darkness: O-Chul, you need to get out of here! He's gonna be really mad when he gets back.
O-Chul: Agreed, we must-
<sfx> CRASH!!!!
Xykon: Do you have any idea how hard it is going to be to find that?!? It has the best anti-detection spells we know on it!!!! We're going to need to search for it BY HAND!
Monster in the Darkness: Oh man! You don't know what he's like when he gets like this! You gotta leave right now!
Xykon: I am officially DONE WITH THIS. I'm snuffing you sickening pouches of warm good right now.
O-Chul: Gllrck!
Monster in the Darkness: You're my friend, you HAVE to be OK! It can't end like this! It's not fair! You need to leave. You need to-
Xykon: Meteor-
Monster in the Darkness: -ESCAPE.
<sfx> pop! pop!
Xykon: -Swuhh??? Where did they go??? WHO JUST STOLE MY KILLS?!?!?
Monster in the Darkness: ...What? Why are you all looking at me like that?

Spoiler: Strip 662

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The Price is Right
Tsukiko, Redcloak, Monster in the Darkness

Tsukiko: Well... maybe you can destroy yourself and regenerate wherever the phylactery is?
Xykon: Oh, you think so? And if, say, a sea serpent ate it in the meantime?
Tsukiko: ...Oh, right.
Redcloak: Xykon! Are you OK? What happened to the walls?
Xykon: Where the hell have you been, you worthless piece of green crap??
Redcloak: Uh, my Word of Recall brought me to my study in the basement. I got my backup holy symbol. Wait... Where IS my regular holy-
Xykon: LOST, you stupid meatbag! Because of YOU!!
Redcloak: Me? How is it my fault, I wasn't even up here!
Xykon: YES! Exactly! You weren't up here when YOUR prisoner ran amok, dropped it in the sewers, and then popped out of here without a trace!! And now your precious holy symbol - also known as MY FRICKING PHYLACTERY-is lying in the sewers of this disgusting blue cesspool!!! Or in the ocean! OR WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHERE!!!
Redcloak: OH, OK, we can fix this. We've got thousands of minions, we comb every inch of the sewers starting first thing in the-
Xykon: Starting NOW.
Redcloak: Starting now, right. I'll go give the orders.
Tsukiko: Rough day, huh, Reddy? First the eye, now this.
Redcloak: The eye is a minor inconvenience. I can Regenerate it as soon as I rest and regain the spells.
Xykon: No.
Redcloak: ...What?
Xykon: You're not regenerating anything. That eye? That's your individual Idiot Tax. That's what this fiasco costs you, personally. I want you to remember every moment of every day what happens if we sit on our lazy ASSES and rearrange the furniture in a ruined city instead of moving on to the next target. If I ever see you with more eyes than *******s, I'm giong to shove one in the other and give your cloak to that hobgoblin.
Redcloak: Who, Jirix? He's dead.
Xykon: THEN RAISE HIM! At least he had the decency to shout a warning! I want you all to be ready to teleport out of here two rounds after we find my phylactery, whether that takes days or months. Vacation time is over, kids. Time to go back to work. And for the Evil's sake, will somebody wake this moron up?!? It's about time he DID something around here!
Monster in the Darkness: Zzzzzzz...

Spoiler: Strip 663

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Or Mention That He's Getting Too Old for This
Lien, Hinjo, O-Chul, Elan, Haley

Lien: Sir, I think I see Durkon ahead!
Hinjo: Are you sure? Because that would be a highly unlikely coinci-
<sfx> pop! pop! THUNK!
Hinjo: What the- O-CHUL?!?
Lien: O-CHUL!
O-Chul: I bring greetings from our homeland, Lord Hinjo! Lien! I apologize for the abrupt entrance.
Lien: How- I thought you died in the castle!
O-Chul: The goblin held me prisoner these months.
Hinjo: Then-our comrades? Do any yet live?
O-Chul: No, my Lord. I am afraid they were all dead and gone before Soon's Gate exploded.
Hinjo: I see. Then you were the one who made the decision to destroy the Gate, rather than let it fall into Xykon's clutches.
O-Chul: I did make that decision, and it was my blade that did the deed. I will say no more about it, lest I speak ill of the dead.
Haley: Hinjo! Vaarsuvius left to-wait, V??
Elan: You're alive! And less scary!
O-Chul: Your elven friend is paralyzed, but did help me complete one last mission before we left.
Haley: O-Chul!!! I can't believe it! I thought that monster ate you!
O-Chul: Far from it, in fact.
Hinjo: Wait, how did Haley get here?
Lien: Sir, I'm still not sure how WE got here.
O-Chul: Lord Hinjo, I suggest you debrief me immediately. I have a great deal of valuable intelligence regarding our foes.
Hinjo: Of course. I'll have a scribe join us.
O-Chul: Make it our most learned one... I have questions about how we escaped that perhaps they can answer.
Lien: I can't believe you survived as their prisoner for so long!
O-Chul: I'll be honest, I did not actually expect to live through this.
Elan: Don't say that! Whenever someone says that right after surviving something dangerous, something totally random pops out and kills them. Well, most of the time, at least. Just don't announce that you're going to retire tomorrow, OK?

Spoiler: Strip 664

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Down to Earth
Durkon, Haley, Elan, Roy, Roy's Archon, Eugene, Bureaucratic Deva, Celestial Driver

Durkon: Resurrection! Resurrection!
Haley: Hey, Durkon, we have another patient for you when you're finished.
Elan: I don't think "patient" is a word I would use to describe V, Haley.
Durkon: Aye, put 'im down, I'm almost done 'ere... Resurrection!
(D): Aye, put him down, I'm almost done here... Resurrection!
<cutaway>
Roy: OK, time for me to go home. Roy's Archon, do you remember what I need you to do once I'm gone?
Roy’s Archon: Yes. I have no idea if it will work, but I know what to do. Good luck, and I sincerely hope not to speak with you for a very, very long time.
Roy: Right back at you, little glowing buddy, and thanks for everything. And you- keep scrying on Xykon. Haunt me if he leaves Azure City.
Eugene: Oh, absolutely, Roy. You'll be the first to know.
Celestial Bureaucrat: Mr. Greenhilt? Mr. Greenhilt, my office sent me down here to talk to you about one of your teammates.
Roy: I'm sorry, but I'm a little busy right now, I'm about to be raised from the dead. (Finally.)
Celestial Bureaucrat: I understand, but this colleague of yours has taken quite a dramatic turn towards Evil in the last few-
Roy: Look, I'm sure whatever trouble Belkar has gotten himself into, we can handle it. I have it on good authority that he's going to die soon. Well, soon-ish.
<sign text>: S. Rogers
<sign text>: R. Greenhilt
Celestial Driver: Good to have you, sir. We'll have you home in no time.
Celestial Bureaucrat: Mr. Green-
Roy: Look, my ride is here, I gotta go! Hey, is that a minibar? Sweet!
Celestial Bureaucrat: No, Mr. Greenhilt, you don't understand, I'm not talking about-
<sign text> Highway from Heaven
<sfx> vvrrrooOOOOOOM!!
Celestial Bureaucrat: -the halfling. Listen, you occasionally manifest to him, right? Next time you do, show him this report. It details the elf wizard's alarming dealings with the forces of Evil.
Eugene: No problem. I'm as appalled by these events as you are. Good effort, elf. I really thought for a moment that you were going to pull it off. Hell, if my son were more like you, we'd be wrapping this series up by now.
<sfx> woosh!

Spoiler: Strip 665

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In the Flesh
Durkon, Roy, Elan, Celia, Haley, Belkar

<sfx> poof!
Durkon: RESURRECTION! Thar ye go... C'mon back ta us, lad.
(D): RESURRECTION! There you go... come on back to us, lad.
Roy: Beating heart...breathing lungs...positive hit point total... I'M BACK IN THE GAME! What? Oh, please. I've been wrenched back to this mortal coil after being worm food for months. You can all suffer through a little full frontal.
Elan: You're invisible!
Celia: ROY!!!
Roy: Mmmph!
Haley: Well, at least she's blocking our view.
Belkar: Speak for yourself, her wings are way too diaphanous for my tastes right this moment.
Durkon: Welcome home, lad.
Celia: I missed you so much.
Haley: Yeah, it's good to have you back.
Roy: Thanks, it's goot to be back.
Elan: Hooray!
Roy: OK, gang. We're back together at long last. Tonight, we rest, but tomorrow morning we-
<sfx> WHUMPH!
Roy: Oh, right. I have to actually move my legs when I'm on this plane.
Celia: Don't worry, honey. I make that mistake ALL the time.

Spoiler: Strip 666

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But Seriously, She Won't
Haley, Roy, Belkar, O-Chul

Haley: Hey, Roy.
Roy: Look at this. It's going to take me half the night just to get this back to usable condition.
Haley: No, please, don't fawn all over me just because we retrieved you from death itself. It's embarassing.
Roy: Right, well, thanks for that, too.
Haley: Just don't do it again, OK?
Roy: Missed me, did you?
Haley: Sure. Every archer needs a meat shield to hide behind.
Roy: Heh.
Haley: Plus... I don't think I'm really cut out to be leader.
Roy: You did alright, as far as I could see.
Haley: See? You could see us?
Roy: Some of the time.
Haley: I'm surprised you remember everything.
Roy: I don't. Not everything. I remember the clouds, and my father, and a glowing ball of light. And I remember what I saw when I was floating around down here. But beyond the Big Golden Gate... it's all a blur. A big, happy fulfilling blur, but still. And for some reason, I have this awesome idea for a cool sword move.. I think I might try it out later, see if it works.
Haley: So... you know about Belkar, then? That the Mark of Justice got removed?
Roy: Yeah, I know. I watched the little jerk whack the Oracle. (He got better.)
Haley: What do we do if we can't control him?
Roy: We run out the clock.
<cutaway>
Roy: <voiceover> Pretty soon, Belkar's fate will be someone else's problem. Someone bony with a black robe and a big scythe. Until then, we do what we can to keep him pointed at the bad guys.
Belkar: Wait, you're THANKING me for dumping you off of a cliff?!?
O-Chul: Without your cowardly actions, I could not have gone where I needed to be, difficult though it was. However, should I learn of you treating any other person in this manner, I will gut you with my hands.
<cutback>
Haley: That may be easier than before - ever since he woke up from the coma, he's been Employee of the Month.
Roy: Do you think it's a legitimate change of heart?
Haley: Hell, no. I think it's a ploy.
Roy: Well, if it's a ploy that takes... let's see... more than seven weeks for him to pull off, we don't have a problem.
Haley: Do you really think we can end this whole thing- beat Xykon and the goblins in just seven weeks?
Roy: I'll bet you ten gold pieces that we can.
Haley: You're on.
Roy: You're not going to sabotage the mission just to win ten gold, are you?
Haley: Hey, now, see? We'll get you thinking like a rogue yet!

Spoiler: Strip 667

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Mending Wounds
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Cedrik, Nero, Lee, Fiendish Secretary, Tiamat

Durkon: Remove Paralysis. Heal. Welcome back ta tha land o' tha ambulatory. How d'ye feel?
(D): Remove Paralysis. Heal. Welcome back to the land of the ambulatory. How do you feel?
Vaarsuvius: Drained. Foolish.
Durkon: Y'know, I had a few key words ta say ta ye ev'n 'fore ye flew off ta fight Xykon all by yerself.
(D): You know, I had a few key words to say to you even before you flew off to fight Xykon all by yourself.
Vaarsuvius: At this point, I do not think that another lecture regarding my inability to accept-
Durkon: I was wrong.
Vaarsuvius: ...Excuse me?
Durkon: I was wrong. Tellin' ye fer all those months tha yer magic weren't gonna solve it all. It DID. Tha spell ye cast, wha'e'er it was... it was amazin'. Kazumi said ye teleport'd tha whole fleet! An' ye went toe ta toe wit Xykon himself! I dinnae think that sort of power was possible. Who knows how much sooner we'd have gotten Roy back if'n I'd helped instead o' lecturin' ye.
(D): I was wrong. Telling you for all those months that your magic wasn't going to solve it all. It DID. That spell you cast, whatever it was... it was amazing. Kazumi said you teleported the whole fleet! And you went toe to toe with Xykon himself! I did not think that sort of power was possible. Who knows how much sooner we'd have gotten Roy back if I'd helped instead of lecturing you.
Vaarsuvius: No - No, you were not wrong, Durkon. It was... such a waste. It started out well, but it soon became naught but sound and fury. I squandered its true potential by wielding it like a cudgel. Only when I lost it did I stop to consider what I was doing, and only then did I become effective. When I think of what I might have accomplished...I almost weep.
Durkon: Perhaps, but at least ye were wieldin' yer cudgel. Me, I sat on me thumbs fer months, afraid o' doin' tha wrong thing. Which o' us is tha more wasteful, eh?
(D): Perhaps, but at least you were wielding your cudgel. Me, I sat on my thumbs for months, afraid of doing the wrong thing. Which of us is the more wasteful, eh?
Vaarsuvius: Are you not listening? I accomplished NOTHING by attacking!
Durkon: Trollcrap. Ye rescued tha paladin, dinnae ye?
(D): Trollcrap. You rescued the paladin, didn't you?
Vaarsuvius: That was hardly my intended goal, was it?
Durkon: So? Ye think it was my goal ta try ta save tha world from a lich when I left me home? Dinnae discount tha victories ye have jus' cause ye dinnae plan fer 'em. Ye've helped these people more than tha rest o' us who were tryin' combined. Ye cannae beat yerself up o'er what ye might've done, V. Tha way lies madness.
(D): So? You think it was my goal to try to save the world from a lich when I left my home? Don't discount the victories you have just because you didn't plan for them. You've helped these people more than the rest of us who were trying combined. You can't beat yourself up over what you might've done, V. that way lies madness.
Vaarsuvius: Yes... I know that. Now.
Durkon: 'Sides, maybe if ye cast tha spell again-
(D): Besides, maybe if you cast the spell again-
Vaarsuvius: NO! ... It was a singular event. It cannot be repeated.
Durkon: Och. High XP cost, then?
Vaarsuvius: Something such as that, yes.
Durkon: Well, then look at it this way: Tha Order o' tha Stick is back together, an' everything is back ta normal. No harm done, am I right?
(D): Well then, look at it this way: The Order of the Stick is back together, and everything is back to normal. No harm done, am I right?
Vaarsuvius: Uh, yes...of course. No harm done.
<cutaway>
Cedrik: 3 minutes, 6 seconds for you... 20 minutes, 35 seconds for him and me.
Nero: More than sufficient for our purposes, I imagine.
Fiendish Secretary: Director? Ms. Tiamat is holding on Lines 2, 3, 4, 8 and 11.
Lee: Oy.
Tiamat: RRAWWR!!

Spoiler: Strip 668

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Moving the Pieces
Lee, Cedrik, Nero, Qarr

Lee: You know, that went about as well as could be expected. I managed to convince her that it was an unfortunate necessity of a secret scheme to bring down the gods of Good.
Cedrik: Technically true, I suppose.
Nero: Good work.
Lee: I did need to promise that we would eventually destroy five Good dragons for every black one that died today.
Cedrik: Not a problem. If our plan for the Gates really works, such a slaughter will be trivial.
Lee: That's what I figured.
Qarr: Gates? What gates are you talking about?
Nero: We'll tell you later, it's too much exposition for right now. All you really need to know is that we only care about the elf because of these five Gates. Well, two, now.
Qarr: I knew it! I knew you weren't after the elf's soul, not really. Those terms were too good.
Lee: Yes, the elf's soul is little more than the free soup-or-salad to our main course of wickedness.
Cedrik: After the stunt with the dragons, I think we have a 50-50 chance of ending up with it anyway.
Nero: The truly important thing is the overall struggle between Xykon and the Order of the Stick.
Qarr: So... then, what? Giving the elf the power was somehow supposed to sabotage their ability to stop Xykon? I don't see it.
Lee: Don't be silly. Why would we want the lich to win?
Qarr: ... Because we're Evil?
Cedrik: And that makes us all one big happy family? Screw that.
Nero: The truth is, we don't want EITHER side to really win.
Lee: We want for them the same thing that has held the fiendish races back for all these millenia.
Cedrik: We want conflict.
Nero: Destructive unnecessary conflict.
Cedrik: The worst thing that could happen would be a victory by one team.
Nero: Look at the lich: He beats the Sapphire Guard and then sits on his tailbone for months.
Lee: That's why we needed to knock him out of his comfort zone.
Qarr: Knock him out... Wait, you PLANNED on the elf attacking Xykon???
Cedrik: More like it was a forseeable consequence to the deal we were already putting together. Our standard pre-Faustian psych report gave an 84% chance that given enough power, the subject would lash out at the most formidable foe available. It wasn't a perfect plan. We only wanted the lich roughed up, not destroyed.
Nero: As it stands, though, the race for the next Gate begins tomorrow.
Lee: And while they fight each other, we move our pawns into position.
Qarr: We have pawns?
Cedrik: Definitely.
Nero: Even though most of them don't know it.
Lee: Destructive unnecessary conflict is pretty much all they do.
<text> - Crawlin' Fools
Qarr: ...They look like total morons.
Cedrik: They are! Isn't it just perfect?

Spoiler: Strip 669

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Logical Conclusions
Celia, Roy

Celia: You know, since that's an all-new body you've got, baby, I think I technically just deflowered you there.
Roy: That puts you in a very exclusive club with Sheila Finkelstein in the cloak check room at the 1175 Wizzy Award ceremony. My dad and her mom were up for the same category.
Celia: Not that I'm not thrilled to have you back, but I am looking forward to going home. My GPA must be in the toilet by now... and... And I'm not really cut out for this life.
Roy: I know. I want to ask you to stay, but it's only going to get more dangerous from here, I'm afraid.
Celia: I just don't understand all the violence. I'll admit that I got caught up in the thrill of it all a few times, but I just can't stomach the idea of willfully deciding to end someone's life.
Roy: It's an unfortunate reality. The fate of this entire world rests on our mission now. Haley does what she needs to in order to keep the mission going.
Celia: No, she doesn't. She does what's convenient for her, and if it happens to help the mission, hey, bonus.
Roy: Celia...
Celia: I'm sorry. I just can't fathom caring more about gold than about another person's very existence.
Roy: Neither can I, but we don't need to see eye-to-eye on it in order to work with her.
Celia: Everything is different on the Plane of Air, you know. No one tries to kill you just because you, like, looked at them funny years ago.
Roy: Well, sure. You're not mortal.
Celia: Huh?
Roy: Elementals and outsiders can't be raised from the dead normally, right? But humans, elves, dwarves, halflings - hell, even goblins - all can be. Sure, it's not commonplace, but I think just knowing that it's a possibility encourages the mortal races to take risks. It's like a big metaphysical safety net. Then take the Afterlife.
Celia: We don't have one. We just sort of merge back into the plane we're from.
Roy: Right. But us? We have this elaborate system of rewards and punishments: heaven or hell, valhalla or the abyss, limbo or nirvana, or a dozen in-between. Most importantly, we KNOW it exists. So if we charge into battle and end up as a polearm depository, we know that we're going to end up somewhere we deserve. Your people can't look forward to that, so there's no reason they would risk death as often as we do.
Celia: So, you're saying that if mortals weren't sure of what awaited them after their deaths-
Roy: I'm pretty sure that, logically, there would be a lot less warfare in the world.
Celia: I never thought about it that way.
Roy: Eh, it's not a terribly realistic idea. Even without resurrection, how would people not know about the Afterlife? Someone would just Plane Shift over and look eventually! It'd be like if we somehow didn't know for sure whether or not there were - I don't know - trees, or stars, or gods.
Celia: Or, Skill Points?
Roy: Yeah, I mean, weird, you know?

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The War Council
Haley, Roy, Elan, Hinjo, O-Chul, Pink-Haired Peregrine Team Member

Haley: Sorry to keep you waiting, I needed to take care of something with Elan.
Roy: I do not want to hear details. I'm still recovering from my mom...
Haley: Yeah, I wish. But Elan had this kinda sad story about this ninja chick who had a crush on him, then died.
<flashback>
Elan: I'm torn, because on one hand I want to share something important that happened to me while we were apart... But on the other hand, bardic tradition demands that I withhold it all so that at some later point, you can accidentally learn an incomplete version and jump to all of the wrong conclusions- thus leading to entertaining dramatic conflict later in our relationship.
Haley: So... what are you going to do?
Elan: Tell you everything. How are we supposed to get a happy ending if we can't be honest?
<end flashback>
Haley: I tried to tell him you guys were waiting, but he said he needed to tell me now because it was the "denouement," whatever that means.
Roy: We were supposed to meet over an hour ago...was his story really that long?
<flashback>
Haley: Wow... OK... Well, OK, I guess I have some stuff to tell you, too. Starting with my father, and ending with how I got my new dagger. Just try not to hate me TOO much.
<end flashback>
Haley: Yeah. He really talked my ear off, heh.
Hinjo: Well, now that all four of us are here, we should get this war council started.
Roy: I agree. We finally have the advantage, we need to coordinate our next moves quickly.
Haley: Uh, hello? Advantage?? Did Durkon forget to grow your brain back? Xykon is still an ultra-powerful lich with a huge army and we're...NOT.
O-Chul: Maybe. But now we have an opportunity to catch Xykon with his robes around his anklebones. He may have all the strength, but we have the initiative.
Haley: Initiative?!? Where? I got a 23! I make a sneak attack! And a spot check!
O-Chul: No, no, not that kind of initiative. Strategic initiative.
Roy: O-Chul is right. We know exactly what Xykon and his minions will be doing and where, for at least the next few days: looking for his phylactery. If we can get to the next Gate before Xykon succeeds, we can warn its guardian - maybe even set an ambush for the cocky bastard.
O-Chul: I believe this will help with that. It's Xykon's spell list. Or most of it, anyway.
Roy: Are you kidding?!? How did you get this??
O-Chul: One saving throw at a time. There's also a list of magic items carried by him, the goblin, and the theurge woman, as well as a partial list of feats. Some of the latter is a bit speculative on my part, for which I apologize.
<list text> Animate Dead, Gre- Resilient Sphere, Stop- Cloudkill, Overland Flight, Symbol of Pain, Unknown. 6th Level: Contingency, Unknown x2. 7th Level: Finger of Death, Greater Teleport, Mass Hold Person. 8th Level: Ghostform, Symbol of Insanity, Unknown. 9th Level: Energy Drain, Meteor Swarm, Soul Bind. Epic: Cloister, Epic Mag-, Supurb Dispelling
Roy: Apologize? O-Chul, this is incredible! I don't know what to say.
O-Chul: Say that when the time is right, you will use this information to tear that abomination apart, bone by bone.
Roy: You have my word.
Haley: Well, gee, after that, my several-months-old troop distribution data just seems a whole lot less sexy.
Hinjo: Nonsense. Knowing that our comrade is leading a resistance that you constructed will be of enormous benefit to any plan to free the city. Plus, the information that Celia and you gave me regarding the Cloister effect is invaluable.
Haley: I don't see how. We still don't have the ability to bypass it.
Hinjo: Sure we do. We just need to do it the old-fashioned way. Before he turned in for the night, I asked Durkon to send a message to my contact among our last remaining allies.
Roy: Allies? What allies?
Hinjo: Old allies, that are slow to go to war. I've been trying to convince them to act for months... But let's just say that your wizard hasn't been the only one frustrated by the lack of available intelligence in our homeland.
<cutaway>
<sfx> POP! thunk! thunk! slash!! splortch! schirkt!
Pink-Haired Elf: Sending. Team Peregrine to Elven Command: covert insertion succesful. Will penetrate Cloistered territory on foot and rendezvous with designee "Thanh" to coordinate further insertions. Liberation: commencing.

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Also, She Needs Her Clothes Back Now
Roy, O-Chul, Haley, Hinjo, Elan, Lien, Durkon, Kazumi, Daigo, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Celia

Roy: Lady and gentlemen, I think we have a plan. Hinjo's fastest ship will drop us off in the port town of Sandsedge, on the Western Continent. From there, we will make our way into the desert to Girard's Gate.
Haley: Though I'm still not 100% clear on why V can't just teleport us there now...
O-Chul: Meanwhile, Lien and I will travel north, to Kraagor's Gate - in case the Oracle was wrong and Xykon shows up there first.
Hinjo: If he does, don't engage him directly. Your luck won't hold out for a third fight.
O-Chul: I agree. Our mission is reconnaissance only. We'll contact the Order if the lich arrives.
Haley: Hey, wasn't the fact that your oath prevented you from helping the other Gates a big plot point a while back?
Hinjo: Soon's Gate is no more. Without something to protect, the Sapphire Guard's oath is dissolved and we are free to lend aid. At any rate, I'll stay hwere with our people. I'm more useful organizing things here than I would be as another sword arm... especially since both O-Chul and Lien managed to gain a few levels since we left Azure City and I didn't... And I'll coordinate both groups via Sending so everyone knows what's happening and when.
Roy: You'll be in touch with the Resistance and the elves, too, right?
Hinjo: Right. I can't call them, but they can call me. So you should know when Xykon is on the move and headed towards you.
Roy: Outstanding.
<cutaway>
Roy: <voiceover> Then all that remains are the farewells.
Hinjo: I'm sure I can manage to protect myself, Elan.
Elan: Well... OK. You can keep my eyepatch, then, if you want.
Lien: -and it keeps it from being in my eyes when I'm in the water.
Haley: I guess it will be cooler than a ponytail when we're in a desert.
Durkon: Make sure ye eat plenty o' dark greens, like spinach. An' if'n ye must adventure, avoid monsters tha' c'n paralyze. Thar bad for tha baby.
(D): Make sure you eat plenty of dark greens, like spinach. And if you must adventure, avoid monsters that can paralyze. They're bad for the baby.
Kazumi: Yes, Durkon.
Belkar: See? If you'd let me fire you out of a catapult when I wanted to, you wouldn't have to deal with stuff like this.
Daigo: Yeah, what was I thinking?
O-Chul: Thank you once more for all that you have done.
Vaarsuvius: Please, do not remind me of all that I have done.
Celia: Haley, since you were the one who broke my summoning talisman, I need you to dismiss me.
Haley: You're an annoying twit who doesn't know as much as she thinks she does. Oh! You meant dismiss the summoning.

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A Familiar Conclusion
Lien, O-Chul, Roy, Durkon, Haley, Elan, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing

Lien: Hey, boy, you ready for a long swim?
O-Chul: Sharks. Why did it have to be sharks?
<cutaway>
Roy: Durkon, do you have a spell that protects against negative energy effects?
Durkon: Aye... but it'll only aff'ct one o' us atta time. Tho mebbe I c'n research a mass version o' it...
(D): Aye... but it'll only affect one of us at a time. Though maybe I can research a mass version of it...
Roy: Great. So if you cast that before the battle, and I charge in on the first round... No, wait... Belkar charges, then I move up and ready an attack to disrupt...
Haley: You're sure you're not mad at me?
Elan: I think so. Just as long as you're sure that she was really, REALLY bad.
Haley: If it makes you feel any better, I once saw Crystal head-butt an elderly gnome woman into a coma.
Elan: It does, actually. Thanks.
Belkar: Grkzzzzzz....
Vaarsuvius: I... Thank you. For what you tried to do back there. I have not always been the most considerate master. Or teammate. Or mate, for that matter. I appreciate the fact that, when the fate of the world potentially rested upon our actions, you were able to look past my previous mistreatment of you. As I have recently begun to learn, the fact that you did not succeed does not diminish the nobility of your effort.
Blackwing: You're welcome.
Vaarsuvius: I thought you informed me some years ago that you considered speaking in Common to be demeaning?
Blackwing: No, I said speaking to YOU in Common was demeaning. Try to not remind me why.
Vaarsuvius: Then tell me, please... what is it that you witnessed within the rift? What mysteries does a tear in the substance of reality hold that mesmerized you so?
Blackwing: I don't even know where to begin... It was- strange.
Vaarsuvius: A planet? Within the planet? I do not understand.
Blackwing: That's pretty much what I said, yeah.
Vaarsuvius: Perhaps... Perhaps we do not know everything we ought to regarding the task which we are undertaking.
<panel text> The Order of the Stick will return August 31st.

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