The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 984 to 998
Book 6: Utterly Dwarfed
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Spoiler: Strip 984

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Hence the Fence
Head Cleric of Hoder, Roy, Vampire Durkon, Cleric of Hoder #1

Head Cleric of Hoder: I am this shrine’s head cleric.
Roy: Nice to meet you. We were wondering if you—
Vampire Durkon: gwoooBWEARF! gwoooBWEARF!
Head Cleric of Hoder: Yes, yes. My acolytes have informed me of your request. I am sorry to keep you waiting but neither I nor any member of my staff is capable of casting the spell for which you seek.
Roy: Ah, crap. Well, I sorta figured.
Head Cleric: I can heal your friend’s end stage emphysema, if you’d like?
Roy: Ah, no, thanks anyway. I guess we’ll just be on our—
Vampire Durkon: gwoooBWEARF! gwoooBWEARF! None on yer staff? Do ye know any clerics na on yer staff tha might be powerful enough to cast it?
(VD): None on your staff? Do you know any clerics not on your staff that might be powerful enough to cast it?
Head Cleric of Hoder: Uh, what do you…?
Vampire Durkon: Mebbe someone who was just passin’ thru? Someone we could catch up wit?
(VD): Maybe someone who was just passing through? Someone we could catch up with?
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Say it. Come on! I know, you know, I know you know, and now you know I know! Just say it out loud! I’d just straight up wink if you weren’t wearing that ridiculous blindfold!!
<cutback>
Head Cleric of Hoder: I have no idea to what you might be referring. If you’ll excuse me, I’m needed elsewhere. Good day!
Roy: Durkon, what the hell? I know this is important but you can’t get in someone’s face like that.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Aaaargh! So close!
Durkon: Ta wha? Wha in tha blue heck’re ye goin’ on aboot?
(D): To what? What in the blue heck are you going about?”
<cutback>
Vampire Durkon: Sorry aboot tha, lad. I just had a hunch ‘e were hidin’ somethin’.
(VD): Sorry, about that, lad. I just had a hunch he was hiding something.
Roy: OK, well, just try to keep it under control next time. Not that there’s going to be a next time, since I think that was the last true temple in town. There’s a shrine to Skadi on the other side of the mountain, but I think all of her followers are rangers and druids. I guess we might as well head over and—
Cleric of Hoder #1: WAIT! I think I know something that could—whoOOAAAA!
<sfx> clunk! WHUMPH! WHUMPH!
Roy: So…I’m guessing you’re fairly new to the blindfolded priest thing?
Cleric of Hoder #1: I like to think of my bruised shins as my god’s way of reminding me to practice my low-level healing spells.

Spoiler: Strip 985

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Down the Winding Path
Cleric of Hoder #1, Roy, Vampire Durkon, Durkon

Cleric of Hoder #1: Sorry for calling after you, sir, I just…I didn’t want you to get too far away for me to find you. Cure Minor Wounds!
Roy: It’s fine, we’re in no hurry. I mean, we totally are, but…well, it’s complicated. What’s on your mind?
Cleric of Hoder #1: I know a way for you to help your dead friend. Specifically, where you can find a stronger cleric near here.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: Oh. Oh, here we go. I knew an entire island of gnomes couldn’t keep a secret!
<cutback>
Cleric of Hoder #1: I don’t know why the head cleric didn’t say anything, but your friend with the dwarven accent was right—There wereother clerics traveling through here over the last few days.
<flashback>
Cleric of Hoder #1: <voiceover> Four or five different groups, actually. They stopped in pay respects to all the shrines. Even Hoder’s high priestess! It was a huge honor, but for some reason we didn’t have a feast or anything.
<end flashback>
Roy: Wait—they visited every shrine in the town? How come none of the other clerics we visited mentioned this?
Vampire Durkon: Do ye know whar they were headin’?
(VD): Do you know where they were heading?
Cleric of Hoder #1: Not exactly. They don’t really tell me much, since I’m only an acolyte. North, to the mainland. I heard one of them mention the Pinnacle Mountains.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: GOOD ENOUGH!
<cutback>
Vampire Durkon: Lad, if’n we hurry, mebbe we can catch these clerics ‘fore they get whar thar goin’!
(VD): Roy, if we hurry, maybe we can catch these clerics before they get where they’re going!
Roy: Yeah…I suppose. Seems a bit vague to justify taking a detour, though.
Vampire Durkon: Roy, ye gotta take the chance. This may be our only realistic opportunity to locate a cleric who can help me!
(VD): Roy, you have to take the chance. This may be our only realistic opportunity to locate a cleric who can help me!
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: TAKE THE BAIT, YOU PULSING BLOODSACK!
<cutback>
Roy: No…no, this doesn’t feel right. Durkon, I’m sorry, I know this is important to you, and I want you restored more than anyone else. But the whole world is at stake, and it’s bad enough that we’re not already kicking in Xykon’s door as we speak. We can’t spare time for a sidequest right now.
Vampire Durkon: It’s on the way! We have to fly over those mountains to get to the North Pole anyway!
Roy: It’s not the travel time I’m worried about, per se. Where exactly would we be going? The Pinnacle Mountains are almost 2000 miles long! We can’t just zoom off to start searching it for a handful of clerics who obviously don’t want to be found.
Vampire Durkon: But-
Roy: No. Maybe if you and Vaarsuvius could pull together some divinations to tell us where to actually go, I’d consider-
Cleric of Hoder #1: Cog Street.
Roy: Huh?
Cleric of Hoder #1: That’s what I was coming to tell you. An elven priestess stopped in about an hour ago. Said she was running late, but she was going to do that thing elves do instead of sleeping at the inn on Cog Street before leaving town.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: NO! I don’t want to talk to the actual pilgrims, I just want to follow the pilgrimage! In a very fast ship!!
<cutback>
Roy: Now see—that is a small enough risk to take to get you fixed. We’ll head down to the inn, talk to this elf, and hopefully have this whole vampire thing sorted out by the time repairs are complete.
Vampire Durkon:…Aye.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: GAAHHH!!
Durkon: I got no clue wha be goin’ on, but I know a thwarted villain when I see one.
(D): I have no clue what is going on, but I know a thwarted villain when I see one.
<cutback>
Roy: Thanks, kid! Here’s a donation to your temple.
Cleric of Hoder #1: You’re welcome, sir!
<sfx> CATCH!
Cleric of Hoder #1: Wait, did he just say, “vampire”?

Spoiler: Strip 986

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Inn Doubt
Wrecan, Roy, Veldrina, Vampire Durkon

<sign text> Big Folks Inn
<sign text> Human-sized rooms at normal-sized prices!
<sfx> KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
Wrecan: Hello? Who are you?
Roy: Hi, uh, one of the clerics of Hoder sent us here. She said there was an elven priestess who might be able to help us.
Wrecan: I’m sorry, she’s not accepting contract work at the moment. We’re otherwise occupied with important matters. Good day.
Veldrina: Ooooo, is that my dumplings?
Wrecan: It’s not your dumplings.
Veldrina: Did they remember the sauce? They’re too dry without the sauce.
Wrecan: There are no dumplings!
Veldrina: Well, if they forgot the dumplings, just send them back to—Oh! You don’t look like a gnome delivery boy.
Roy: I get that a lot.
Veldrina: I’m Veldrina and this is my bodyguard, Wrecan.
Wrecan: You do remember that this is a secret mission, right?
Veldrina: We’re on a secret mission.
Wrecan: *sigh*
Roy: I’m Roy Greenhilt and this is my friend Durkon Thundershield.
Veldrina: Is he a vampire?
Roy: Um, yes.
Vampire Durkon: Hullo.
(VD): Hello.
Veldrina: I’ve never seen a vampire in the flesh before. Fascinating how properly applied negative energy can provide a semblance of biological functions, don’t you think?
Wrecan: Not as fascinating as your uncanny ability to find the straightest line between your nose and something dangerous. Back up.
Veldrina: Hmmm? Oh, right.
Roy: Actually, even though he’s a vampire, Durkon isn’t dangerous at all. He’s one of the good guys.
Wrecan: Uh huh. My daughters back home read young adult novels—I know all about tragic vampire anti-heroes, thanks. That doesn’t mean he won’t turn on you when you least expect it, then ask for forgiveness later.
Veldrina: Oh, stop being such a worrier. They seem nice.
Wrecan: Is that your strategic assessment? “Seems nice”?
Veldrina: Why don’t you come inside and have some dumplings?
Wrecan: There are no dumplings!
Veldrina: They forgot them again?
Wrecan: No, they never—ugh!!
Roy: If you’d asked me to rate the chances of this ending with a bamboo steamer and Belkar in a paper hat, I would have said, “Low.”

Spoiler: Strip 987

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The Soul of Discretion
Roy, Veldrina, Wrecan, Vampire Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing, Durkon

Roy: So, we were hoping to find someone who could—whoa!
Veldrina: Oh, don’t mind the tiger. Little Whiskers wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Wrecan: On the plus side, that was more Giant Monstrous Fly experience points for the rest of us.
Roy: Uh, right. At any rate, we were looking for someone who could restore Durkon to life.
Veldrina: Oooo! That would be experimentally intriguing, Would that even work with a Raise Dead spell? No, I think it would need to be Resurrection, due to the negative particle wave interference.
Wrecan: And you…You actually want to be alive again?
Vampire Durkon: Och, aye. All I want is ta better serve me friends as healer.
(VD): Oh, aye. All I want is to better serve my friends as a healer.
<cutaway>
Vampire Durkon: And if the elf is capable of doing it, I’ll have to murder everyone in this room. Even worse, I’ll have to come up with a new plan.
<cutback>
Veldrina: While I’m sure it would yield illuminating empirical data, I’m afraid I don’t actually know the Resurrection spell yet.
Roy: Oh. You’re not powerful enough to cast 7th-level spells, either?
Veldrina: No, I am. But I’m not what you would really call a “temple-certified” healer. I’m not actually a cleric, I’m the favored soul of my (really minor) elven goddess. It’s kind of complex, but the bottom line is that I haven’t yet mastered every cleric spell. I have what would best be described as an idiosyncratic approach to magic.
Wrecan: Also known as, “Feign it ‘til they ordain it.”
Veldrina: Hey, I’m just as good as those stuffy hierarchal frumps! They wouldn’t have picked me to represent the combined Western and elven pantheons if I wasn’t!
Wrecan: [B]Secret mission, Vel. Remember? Secret!
Roy: Represent? That would have to something to do with a whole bunch of clerics taking a trip to the Pinnacle Mountains, right?
Veldrina: Oh, see? He’s already in the loop. Told you he seemed nice.
Wrecan: I guess…
Veldrina: I can’t figure out why the Clerics of the Northern Gods called their Godsmoot with just three days’ notice, though. The winter solstice is tomorrow!!
Wrecan: We’d already be there if ship we chartered hadn’t balked at her bringing a tiger.
Veldrina: Can you believe I threw 5000 bucks down the drain just to get stuck here?!?
Wrecan: And it felt like it took two or three years to get this far!
Veldrina: That’s money I could have spent on a new broach. Or maybe a nice cameo.
Wrecan: …and then we spent all day combing through Tinkertown’s magic shops for a single-use item that could get us there—but some other elf beat us to the only teleport orb we could find.
<flashback>
Roy: <voiceover> Another elf? With red robes and a pet raven?
Wrecan: <voiceover> Yeah, that’s the one.
Veldrina: Hey, we need that for an important mission!
Vaarsuvius: I believe I am experiencing what is commonly referred to as dejá vu.
Blackwing: Darn, I left my sombrero on the ship.
<end flashback>
Wrecan: We were able to find a Wind Walk scroll though, so we’ll try that after Veldrina has tranced. Though I think even that spell’s top speed won’t get us there before the moot starts.
Vampire Durkon: Roy, if we-
Roy: Yeah, I’m already there. I’ve got good news for you two. That elf works for me.
Wrecan: Oh, I get it. You want to trade the orb for the spell you need.
Veldrina: But I can’t cast that spell!
Roy: No, that’s not what I’m proposing. My wizard was right, we need that teleport orb. But what we have that you don’t is an airship. If you know where this meeting is, we can get you there on time. Right in the nick of time, if the ship’s owner is to believed.
Veldrina: You would do that for us?
Wrecan: I don’t understand. What’s in it for you?
Roy: A room full of clerics we wouldn’t be able to find otherwise. At least one of them should be able to restore Durkon, right?
<cutaway>
Durkon: Tha’s wha ye were after all along, weren’t it? Tha location o’ tha Godsmoot.
(D): That’s what you were after all along, wasn’t it? The location of the Godsmoot.
Vampire Durkon: Oh, no. I already knew that. Zenith Peak, about 830 miles northeast from here.
Durkon: But—then—Why go thru all this trouble ta find out?!?
(D): But—then—Why go through all this trouble to find out?!?
Vampire Durkon: What was I supposed to do? Walk up to Roy an ask him to take me to a secret meeting that poor dead Durkon would have no way of knowing was happening at all, much less knowing where? I assure you that your friend would not bring me there if he knew who I was or what my mistress was planning.
Durkon: Ye let Roy learn aboot it on ‘is own so ‘e wouldnae think twice aboot going.
(D): You let Roy learn about it on his own so he would not think twice about going.
Vampire Durkon: Uh, I’m a vampire. Letting something appear organic when it’s really a cruel unnatural charade is kinda my whole thing.

Spoiler: Strip 988

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Much Less Swordfighting
Haley, Bandana, Andi, Felix, Elan, Julio
Haley: Sorry I got you wrapped up in my “personal vendetta” encounter, B.
Bandana: Nah, I don’t mind none. I got a snazzy new dagger, a boatload of XP, and enough of a workout to not feel guilty about shovin’ my face full of waffles. I should hang out with y’all more often, ha ha!
Andi: I’m glad someone was having fun while I was stuck slaving over a hot engine with a swarm of grubby little gnomes.
Bandana: Ah, don’t get your knickers in a twist, Andi. How’re repairs going?
Andi: Fine. I told you they’d be done by dawn and they will be.
Bandana: OK, then. Carry on, I guess.
Andi: Great. I appreciate the permission to keep doing my job, Bandana.
Bandana: Captain Bandana.
Felix: Hey everybody! Look, I got us all winter gear!
Haley: Oh! I can’t believe I forgot we were going to do that!
Elan: To be fair, it’s been a long time since this morning.
Felix: Oh, I’m sorry. I should have asked before buying them. I just thought…we’re going to the North Pole, and it’s cold up there. Do you want me to take them back so you can pick your own.
Haley: What? No. Who cares about that? One coat is just as good as the next.
Elan: Don’t mind her, Felix. She’s just grumpy because someone punched her in the head a lot today. I, for one, appreciate your efforts to create a strong visual cue to remind everyone that we’re in colder temperatures now.
Felix: Thanks. It was really hard to find them in everyone’s sizes and existing color schemes.
Haley: Geez, he seems…sensitive.
Bandana: He just takes fashion seriously. Felix was Captain Scoundrél’s personal sartorial advisor.
<flashback>
Julio: Time to face the Ogre-Witch of Rupture Ravine!
Felix: Captain! I cannot in good conscience allow this!
Julio: My gods, man, you’re right! I’ll change immediately.
<end flashback>
Bandana: Frankly, it’s a testament to his work ethic that he even had time to learn how to fly the ship.

Spoiler: Strip 989

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Stares and Stripes Forever
Roy, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Blackwing, Little Whiskers, Veldrina, Wrecan, Mr. Scruffy

Roy: Hey gang, I’m back and I have great news.
Belkar: Count No-neckula fell on a fencepost and dusted himself?
Vaarsuvius: I also have a positive occurrence to report.
Roy: That’s a one-shot teleport orb that you were able to buy at the magic shop.
Vaarsuvius: Yes…Yes, that is exactly correct.
Blackwing: Did you become an oracle? And if so, can you tell me if I’m going to ever play the lottery?
Roy: Well, my source does have divine inspiration. I think the two of you have already met our new guests.
Veldrina: Come on, Little Whiskers! It’s just a piece of highly complex physics-defying machinery that makes loud scary whirring noises. I don’t se what the big deal is!
Little Whiskers: mrrrwww…
Veldrina: Just give him a little nudge.
Wrecan: You know I don’t do tiger wrangling.
Veldrina: A nudge is not a wrangle.
Wrecan: They’re the same general sphere of activity.
Belkar: Awesome, just what we need. More NPC panel-filler.
Roy: You should be happy. They’re going to help us get Durkon back in time for the final showdown.
Belkar: Wait, you actually found someone who can rez him? I take back 80% of the bad things I said about you in the last hour.
Roy: Sort of. We’re flying them to some secret cleric meet-up in the mountains tomorrow. We’ll drop them off, get Durkon raised by one of the clerics, and then use V’s teleport orb to pop right up to Kraagor’s Gate. We’ll get there faster than our original plan of flying all the way north, and we’ll fix our friend in the process.
Vaarsuvius: That seems to be an eminently efficient course of action. I approve.
Roy: All this is assuming that she eventually gets her pet tiger on the ship.
Belkar: Leave that to me, losers. Step aside, high-level ranger coming through! All you need to do is look into the animal’s eyes and let him know who really calls the shots around here.
Mr. Scruffy: hiss!
Little Whiskers: Mrrrrrwwww!
Belkar: See? Works every time.
Veldrina: I think I got a defective tiger.
Wrecan: Does that trick work on elves? Asking for a friend.

Spoiler: Strip 990

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Critiquing Suspicion
Female Mechane Crewmember, Andi, Male Mechane Crewmember, Vaarsuvius, Roy

Female Crewmember: Wait, now we’re heading somewhere else? Are we a sky taxi!?!?
Andi: Nah, you’re looking at this all wrong.
Male Crewmember: Yeah, the sooner we drop the vampire off, the sooner we find a nice fat merchant blimp!
Vaarsuvius: I took the liberty of once again attempting to contact our last outstanding Gate guardian, Ms. Serini Toormuck, vis á vis impending world-shattering doom.
Roy: Still no response?
Vaarsuvius: None.
Roy: Alright, thanks. Maybe I’ll ask Durkon to try later. He said he’d be done researching that Protection from Daylight spell by morning.
Vaarsuvius: Hmmm. Does it not strike you as odd that he continues to expend resources on a spell that, if all goes according to plan, will shortly be useless?
Roy: Of course it does. He said he couldn’t bear to not finish what he started—which is very Durkon. I didn’t press the issue because if this thing with the clerics doesn’t work out, we may need him to know that spell when we face Xykon. With our luck, Xykon will make his last stand in a sun-dappled forest glade with evil pixies or something.
Vaarsuvius: You are perhaps worried that the halfling is correct and the vampire cannot be trusted?
Roy: I don’t know. I don’t think Belkar is lying—which, let’s be clear, is not a sentence I ever thought I’d say—but I also can’t assume he’s not letting his anger cloud his judgment. Every feeling, every instinct in my body tells me yes, that’s Durkon—just changed a little. If I can help him through those changes, shouldn’t I do that? I can’t abandon my best friend when he needs me the most!
Vaarsuvius: I see. When the halfling eschews logic and makes decisions emotionally, it is problematic. But when you do, it is valid.
Roy: No! Maybe. My gut is smarter than his gut!
Vaarsuvius: Abdominal cognitive limits aside, the rational thing to do would be to judge the creature that travels with us on its own merits—without regard to one’s feelings toward the late Master Thundershield.
Roy: I agree. And when I do that, he’s been a model part member. Hell, the one time he got agitated today, he was actively pursuing a resurrection spell.
Vaarsuvius: Your intuition and your intellect are in agreement, yet you still remain conflicted.
Roy: Weird, huh?
Vaarsuvius: It would appear that you are of two gets on the matter. A conundrum that shall unravel itself in time?
Roy: Yeah. Tomorrow will hopefully resolve this whole situation one way or the other. Also, would it be too much to ask for a few random encounters while we’re at it?
Vaarsuvius: Miss Starshine apparently leveled today without our participation.
Roy: Are you kidding me? I just barely caught up to where I was before I died!

Spoiler: Strip 991

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A Sergeant and a Sapper
Young Durkon, Uncle Thirden, Uncle Hoskin, Tenrin, Sigdi, Dwarf Soldier #1, Dwarf Soldier #2, Male Cleric, Female Cleric, Durkon, Vampire Durkon

Young Durkon: Uncle Thirden? It’s me, Durkon.
Uncle Thirden: Durkon! Come in, come in! Hoskin was just leaving.
Uncle Hoskin: Aye, we’ll sort tha rest out after Sigdi’s dinner this week, Squeaky. Ye’ve hafn’t been near any o’ tha halflin’ pipeweed anymore, haf ye, Durkon?
(UH): Aye, we’ll sort the rest out after Sigdi’s dinner this week, Squeaky. You haven’t been near any of that Halfling pipeweed anymore, have you, Durkon?
Young Durkon: Nay, sir, Uncle Hoskin, sir. Promise!
Uncle Hoskin: Good lad. See tha it stays tha way.
(UH): Good boy. See that it stays that way.
Uncle Thirden: Now, what does a fine young man such as yourself seek in the humble cave of this humble miner-turned-bard?
Young Durkon: Uh, well…
Uncle Thirden: A song? A story? Some lore you need to know for school?
Young Durkon: Lore, aye, but na fer school. I, uh…I need ta know tha answer ta a question Ma willnae answer.
(YD): Lore, aye, but not for school. I, uh…I need to know the answer to a question Mom will not answer.
Uncle Thirden: Is this about sex? Please let it be about anything other than sex.
Young Durkon: How did Ma get hurt? An’ how did me Pa die?
(YD): How did Mom get hurt? And how did my Dad die?
Uncle Thirden: …So how about that sex, huh?
Young Durkon: Uncle Thirden.
Uncle Thirden: I can’t help it! Your mother specifically forbid me from telling you this story and she’s scary! On one hand, I firmly believe a dwarf should know his ancestry—especially whether or not his own father died with honor. On the other hand, I’m firmly against getting hit by retired soldiers, as a general rule. So instead, I am going to tell you a completely unrelated story about a frightening monster that threatened our people-And you, in turn, are going to learn all about the wonderful world of subtext. Which, incidentally will also help a lot with the sex stuff when you’re older. Once upon a time, there was a terrible troll that was terrorizing a dwarven village not that far from here. The local guards were no match for it, so the army directed its nearest monster-killing squad to intervene.
<flashback>
Uncle Thirden: <voiceover> The squad was led by a clever and heroic young sergeant who had slain many monsters in her time. She was married to one of the men under her command-the team’s sapper.
Tenrin: Sgt. Thundershield, I dinnae suppose ye’d care ta discuss tactical decisions under Thor’s starry sky tonight?
(T): Sgt. Thundershield, I don’t suppose you’d care to discuss tactical decisions under Thor’s starry sky tonight?
Sigdi: Aye, Sapper Thundershield, I believe tha would be lovely.
(S): Aye, Sapper Thundershield, I believe that would be lovely.
Dwarf Soldier #1: Och, ye two are married now!
(DS1): Sheesh, you two are married now!
Dwarf Soldier #2: Ye dinnae haf ta pretend yer na shtuppin’ anymore!
(DS2): You don’t have to pretend you’re not shtupping anymore!
Uncle Thirden: <voiceover> The sergeant had fought trolls before, and knew that they could heal any wound except for those dealt with fire and acid-so she had her troops carry flaming weapons before them as they entered its cave.
Sigdi: Onna count o’ three. One, two…
(S) On a count of three. One, two…
Uncle Thirden: <voiceover> But what she couldn’t have known was that this troll had the blood of dragons as well!
Tenrin: Sigdi, the fire’s na workin’! We need ta retreat!
(T): Sigdi, the fire’s not working! We need to retreat!
Sigdi: We need ta protect tha villagers, Tenrin-an’ ‘e’ll cut us down if’n we turn tail anyway!
(S): We need to protect the villagers, Tenrin-and he’ll cut us down if we turn tail anyway!
Tenrin: …Then I haf an idea.
(T): …Then I have an idea.
Uncle Thirden: Now, your father-uh, I mean, the squad’s sapper-was a geological genius. Sire, we all learn the basics of spotting unsafe stonework, but he was a true savant. He found a weak point in the cave’s structure and attacked!
<sfx> CRACK!
Uncle Thirden: <voiceover> The cave began collapsing on the troll—and the team.
Sigdi: Tenrin! TENRIN!
Dwarf Soldier #2: Sarge, we need ta get out o’ here!
(DS2): Sarge, we need to get out of here.
Uncle Thirden: <voiceover> While then troll could ignore the wounds to rocks left in his flesh, the cave-in left him trapped beneath a hundred tons of stone. Most of the remaining squad made it out, but the sapper wasn’t one of them. And many that did were badly injured-including the sergeant. When the clerics examined her, they discovered she was pregnant. With you.
Male Cleric: The baby survived??
Female Cleric: Praise Thor!
<end flashback>
Young Durkon: So…Pa died a hero.
(YD): So…Dad died a hero.
Uncle Thirden: Yes.
Young Durkon: ‘E’s in Valhalla then? Wit Thor?
(YD): He’s in Valhalla then? With Thor?
Uncle Thirden: I would assume so, yes.
Young Durkon: In our family tomb…wha’s buried whar Pa’s marker lies?
(YD): In our family tomb…what’s buried where Pa’s marker lies?
Uncle Thirden: A lock of his beard your mother carried. The priests consecrated and buried it in lieu of his body. As for as the church is concerned, those are his remains.
Young Durkon: Wha was ‘e like?
(YD): What was he like?
Uncle Thirden: Your father? I don’t really know. The five of us didn’t become friends with your mother until right before you were born. But from what she tells me—he was patient and kind and loyal. The sort of man you can count on, even if he doesn’t always stand out in a crowd.
Young Durkon: ‘E sounds…nice.
(YD): He sounds…nice.
Uncle Tenrin: I suspect that’s why your mother hasn’t remarried in all these years. No matter how many times Hoskin has asked her.
Young Durkon: But…why dinnae Ma want me ta hear tha story? It’s na more violent than half Thor’s myths.
(YD): But…why doesn’t Mom want me to hear the story? It’s no more violent than half of Thor’s myths.
Uncle Tenrin: You would have to ask her that. And I strongly suggest that you don’t. Now come on, let’s go get some deep friend [sic] fungus from the vendor cart in the main hall.
Young Durkon: Ma says if’n I eat after school, I’ll spoil me appetite fer dinner.
(YD): Mom says if I eat after school, I’ll spoil my appetite for dinner.
Uncle Tenrin: Guess that’ll be one more reason not to tell her you dropped by this afternoon. Plus, there’s an old bardic expression: in for a copper piece, in for a platinum!
Young Durkon: Ha ha! Thanks, Uncle Squeaky.
<cutaway>
Durkon: Thar. Happy now?
(D): There. Happy now?
Vampire Durkon: The details don’t interest me at all, but yes, I’m glad to have one less question hanging unanswered. Once the godsmoot begins, I will need to focus on the task at hand. I don’t want to waste any energy satisfying idle curiosity. This is it. Today. After millennia of waiting, Hel will finally have her due. And when it is done, I will sit at her side as the chose servant who enabled this, her greatest victory!
Durkon: Och, fine, I get it. Evil, evil, evil. If’n ye keep twirlin’ yer mustache tha hard, it’ll fall out.
(D): Oh, fine, I get it. Evil, evil. Evil. If you keep twirling your mustache that hard, it’ll fall out.
Vampire Durkon: I do not require a mustache to complete our ultimate triumph! And it itches anyway!

Spoiler: Strip 992

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Peak Condition
Vampire Durkon, Roy, Veldrina, Elan, Wrecan

Vampire Durkon: Also, the blood gets stuck in my whiskers when I’m drinking from someone’s neck. It’s just inconvenient all around…We’re slowing down.
<cutaway>
Roy: See? Told you we could get you here.
Veldrina: Thank you soooo much, Mr. Greenhilt!
Roy: You’re welcome. Just put in a good word for us with your peers and we’ll be even.
Veldrina: Oh! I was planning on using several, but I’ll try to narrow it down. Exemplary? Magnanimous? Creditable?
Vampire Durkon: Look, lad! Thar it be. This’ll all be o’er soon, aye.
(VD): Look, Roy! There it is. This will all be over soon, aye.
Elan: Huh. We learned about Zenith Peak in bard camp, but I don’t remember anyone saying there was a temple on it.
Wrecan: The Godsmoot is held at a different place every time, so that structure is temporary. They only built it this morning.
Veldrina: Estimable? Meritorious!

Spoiler: Strip 993

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Moots and Ladders
Veldrina, Bandana, Blackwing, Wrecan, Roy, Belkar, Haley, Elan

Veldrina: Is it OK if Little Whiskers stays in the ship until afterward? Some of the high priests are druids and they make him self-conscious.
Bandana: He’s no trouble at all, Miss.
<cutaway>
Blackwing: Whoa. Maybe I’ve been too harsh on mammals, because this is just luxurious.
<cutback>
Bandana: And heck, once the heroes pop off to save the day, we’ll be happy to ferry y’all home for a reasonable fee.
Wrecan: The clerics have a ton of rules and regulations for meetings like this, and they get pretty testy if you don’t follow them all. But the church of Marduk has sent me to a few of these before so I can fill you in on the protocols. The first one that matters is that a cleric attending can only have two bodyguards accompany him or her onto the cathedral grounds.
Roy: Fine. Me and Belkar.
Belkar: …What, really?
Roy: I assume you think this meeting as all some sort of nefarious trap, right?
Belkar: You bet your uptight human ass, I do! Don’t you think it’s a little too convenient that-
Roy: Great. If everything’s on the level, then it doesn’t matter who I take. And if it’s not, you’ll be on your guard the whole time. At least within your considerable limitations. Why, do you have something better to do?
Belkar: Hell no, I was planning on sneaking out and following you anyway. This just saves me a butt-load of skill checks.
Haley: That bag’s got the cash for a Resurrection spell, plus some extra if they try to upcharge you.
Elan: And I put a jelly sandwich in there in case you get hungry waiting!
Roy: So, its fifteen thousand pieces of jelly-covered gold.
Elan: Yup!
Veldrina: Look at the sun! We need to hurry, it’s almost noon!
Wrecan: It’d be better to go slowly and not break out necks.
Veldrina: And it’d be even better to go really fast and still not break out necks, so let’s do that one.
Roy: So, any other rules we should know about?
Wrecan: Most of them involve stuff like voting and ritual procedure, which won’t come up since you’re just waiting for the meeting to be over. Although, I should point out that any illusionary depiction, divination, or account of this meeting without the express written consent of the Northern Gods interfaith council is strictly prohibited.
Roy: Does that include putting it in a comic strip?
Wrecan. Probably. Why?
Roy: No reason.

Spoiler: Strip 994

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Invitation Only
Gontor Hammerfell, Wrecan, Belkar, Veldrina, Roy, Vampire Durkon, Usher

Gontor: Welcome honored pilgrims! Welcome to the Godsmoot. I am Gontor Hammerfell, exarch of the Cree of the Stone.
Wrecan: The Creed of the Stone is a religious sect that worships Elemental Earth itself. They’re administering this meeting as a neutral party.
Belkar: Thanks, Sacred Knight of the Expository Aside.
Gontor: Step forward into the Circle of Truth and speak your business.
Veldrina: Me first! Me first! Hi there I’m Veldrina and I’m the sanctioned representative of the Western Pantheon and I’m running really late and you haven’t started without me please tell me you haven’t.
Gontor: You are not too late. Go forth into the Great Nave, Veldrina, and take up your designated place.
Veldrina: Great! Is there a placard or something telling me where to-?
Gontor: We have ushers. Next!
Roy: Hey there, I’m Roy Greenhilt, serving as bodyguard for Durkon Thundershield, who’s a pretty strong cleric of Thor. We’re not actually here for the meeting itself, but we wanted to talk to some of the-
Gontor: I am sorry, young man, but the Godsmoot is a meeting of utmost secrecy and reverence. Only the formal high priest of each of Northern Gods may attend, and Thor’s emissary has already arrived. Since you are already here, you may, if you wish, wait outside until the meeting has concluded.
Roy: Works for me.
Vampire Durkon: But not for me.
Vampire Durkon: <whispering> whisper whisper whisper
Gontor: … You may enter. In fact, I will escort you to the Great Nave personally. Your bodyguards will be shown to the gallery.
Vampire Durkon: Perfect.
Roy: Uh, I’d rather we not be separated, if it’s all the same to everyone.
Belkar: Yeah! We need to stay with our cleric. You know, for the guarding of the body and stuff.
Wrecan: Technically, our official role is just to get the clerics here safely. But don’t worry. The cathedral is considered neutral ground for the servants of all the gods. He’ll be perfectly safe from the other clerics, even though he’s a wretched undead horror.
Belkar: <whispering> It’s not really his safety I’m worried about, though.
Wrecan: <whispering> Ah, got it. Smart. Well, if he attacks another representative, he’ll be violating the terms of the Godsmoot and they’ll dust him on the spot.
Vampire Durkon: Dinnae worry, lads. I’ll just wait patiently ‘til thar done wit that meetin’ an’ then I’ll call ye down an’ we can find one ta resurrect me.
(VD): Don’t worry, Roy and Belkar. I’ll just wait patiently ‘til they’re done with that meeting and then I’ll call you down and we can find one to resurrect me.
Usher: If you’ll follow me?
Roy: Uh, yeah, lead on.
Belkar: This stinks worse than that gnomish cheese Elan brought back from town that I ate without asking. He used his vampire whammy on that dwarf guy, I just know it! He must’ve found some way to hide the swirly eyes!
Roy: I don’t know. I would think that would be the first thing someone guarding the door would ward for. But the gallery should overlook the nave—assuming they bothered to follow the naming conventions of gothic architecture with their magical pop-up cathedral—so we should be able to keep an eye on him from afar. It’s not a perfect solution, but it-Belkar? Ah, crap.
Wrecan: Hey, where’d your halfling friend go?
Roy: Off to make a butt-load of skill checks, I’d guess.
<cutaway>
Gontor: I did not know your goddess would be sending a formal delegate to this event.
Vampire Durkon: Yes, I know. It was a bit of a last minute decision, really.

Spoiler: Strip 995

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Welcome to the Church
Vampire Durkon, Gontor Hammerfell

Vampire Durkon: This cathedral is lovely, by the wat. Am I correct in thinking that your people raised it?
Gontor: Yes, my sisters and brothers of the Creed toiled all morning, resting the stone from the mountain. Tomorrow, we will return it to its natural state. Tomorrow, we will return it to its natural state.
Vampire Durkon: Tomorrow? Not this evening?
Gontor: Ha ha, I wish we had that many spell slots left! I can’t even remember the last time I used my entire allotment of high-level spells before today!
Vampire Durkon: And just to be clear: the Creed does not actually have a representative in the moot itself, does it?
Gontor: Sadly, no. We have been negotiating reforms that would allow non-theistic religions to have a voice in such meetings. I think your goddess would be a natural ally in that cause. That’s why I wanted the chance to speak with you privately. For too long, Hel’s voice has remained unheard in these proceedings due to her lack of appropriately leveled clergy. Perhaps when the moot has concluded, we could-
Vampire Durkon: So what I’m hearing, apparent from some meaningless political blather—is that you have no spells left, no protection from the rules of the Godsmoot, and no deity to object on your behalf.
Gontor: Excuse me? What does-
Vampire Durkon: Silence!
Gontor: …

Spoiler: Strip 996

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Silencing Descent
Belkar, Vampire Durkon, Usher

Belkar: Where the hell is the gallery? A billion spells cast and they can’t spare one on a “You Are Here” map? ROY!! ROY!! R- … … … … … …
Vampire Durkon: Dismiss Silence.
Usher: Sir, are ye alright? I thought I heard someone yell.
(U): Sir, are you alight? I thought I heard someone yell.
Vampire Durkon: Yes, I’m fine, thank you. I just need to find my way to the Great Nave.
Usher: Och, it’s right this way. Tho… I thought Exarch Hammerfall were escortin’ ye?
(U): Oh, it’s right this way. Though… I thought Exarch Hammerfell was escorting you?
Vampire Durkon: He was. But then, I wouldn’t need an escort—if the trip wasn’t so dangerous.

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Plan B
Roy, Wrecan, High Priest of Odin

Roy: So, we just wait up here until the meeting’s over?
Wrecan: You got it. Look, there’s Veldrina. And there’s your vampire friend.
Roy: Hmmm. I guess that other dwarf went back to manning the door?
High Priest of Odin: Priests, protectors, and honored guests from our sister pantheons. Let us come to order and begin the Godsmoot.
Wrecan: Where did your halfling go? He’s not supposed to wander around without a chaperone.
Roy: I assure you, no one understands that fact more than I do.
High Priest of Odin: Today, my friends, we have been asked to convene and attest to the wills of our deities on a crucially important—and time sensitive—matter.
Roy: With our luck, Belkar got caught snooping and was kicked out by those stone cleric guys. I better go look for him.
Wrecan: You can’t! The meetings already begun.
High Priest of Odin: As a result, we will dispense with ceremony and proceed directly to brief statements by parties on either side of the matter at hand—followed by the vote.
Roy: You’re the one who said they get mad when you break their rules. If he’s wandering around the halls, he’s already putting our chances of getting Durkon raised in danger.
Wrecan: Yeah, but at least he seemed pretty stealthy. I think they’ll notice you clomping around right away.
High Priest of Odin: The statement upon which we shall convey our patron’s Yea or Nay is as follows. Whether or not, at the conclusion of this binding referendum, the gods of the three pantheons should immediately thereupon-
Roy: You don’t know Belkar. Trust me, whatever he’s up to will almost certainly make things worse.
Wrecan: I get it; Vel can get the same way, but you can’t-
Roy: I can and will, and there’s nothing anyone can say that will stop from-
High Priest of Odin: -destroy the world.

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Silencing Descent
Half-Orc Bodyguard, Armored Bodyguard, Half-Shaved Bodyguard, Wrecan, Roy, High Priest of Odin, High Priest of Heimdall, High Priest of Loki, Heimdall, Loki, High Priest of Sif, High Priest of Balder, Odin

Half-Orc Bodyguard: What did she say?
Armored Bodyguard: Destroy the world? Why??
Half-Shaved Bodyguard: Maybe she just means it figuratively?
Wrecan: I don’t understand. This…doesn’t make sense.
Roy: No, no, no, NO! They can’t! There’s still one Gate left!
Wrecan: What are you talking about?
Roy: It’s-ugh! It’s complicated! But the Really Bad Thing my team is trying to stop is so really bad that the gods are considering wiping out the world just to be sure.
Wrecan: Wait, so- the end of the world? That’s not a euphemism, they’re talking about the literal end of the world?!? They can’t end the world right now, my wife and kids are on the other side of it!
<flashback>
Roy: <voiceover> Lord Shojo told Vaarsuvius that Soon’s team was worried about the gods deciding to take matters into their own hands like this. And that was before one of the rifts was blotting out the sun in a major metropolitan area.
<end flashback>
Roy: But I just… I thought we had at least until all five rifts were exposed. I didn’t think they’d ever consider-
Wrecan: So you know all about this? You knew this was a possibility and you didn’t say anything?!
Roy: You’re right, I should’ve knocked on your door and told you that the world might be ending soon-ish. Maybe I could’ve gotten one of those fashionable “The End is Nigh” placards. Now focus, Wrecan: Did Veldrina know this was on the agenda?
Wrecan: No, I’m sure of it. That elf has never had a thought that she didn’t immediately articulate. I can’t believe the gods want to kill us all.
Roy: They probably don’t. At least, not all of them. If they all wanted to kill us, they wouldn’t need to vote on it.
Half-Shaved Bodyguard: Except… how would they know they all wanted to kill us unless they held a vote?
Roy: You are not being helpful.
High Priest of Odin: And now, the statements. For the affirmative, Heimdall. For the negative, Loki.
High Priest of Heimdall & High Priest of Loki: Summon Proxy!
Heimdall: My fellow deities, we must protect ourselves from the danger of which we dare not speak. Many of us voted to spare this world when these rifts first appeared. But here we are, scant decades later, and the plan to let the mortals patch this on their own has failed. Yes, it is unfortunate that our followers’ corporeal bodies will perish when we tear this world down and build a new one—but their souls will pass on to our respective realms as normal. It is the only safe and reasonable option. Thank you.
Loki: Gosh, I didn’t know our divine energy color was yellow because we were all a bunch of cowards. Look, if that last rift is opened, there will still be, like, ten to fifteen minutes before You-Know-Who gets out, right? More than enough time to pull that plug, if we all agree in that course of action today. Sure, OK, it’d be easy for us to whip up another batch of people and start over. And sure, it’ll be kinda fun to try something different. But come on! we’ve had some good times with this world, haven’t we? Let’s give these entertaining little buggers one more chance to clean up this mess before we do it for them. In summary: Vote Loki 2016.
Wrecan: That was not the stirring defense of the sanctity of life I’d been hoping for. We’re doomed.
Roy: I’m one of those buggers trying to clean it up, and I’m still wondering if maybe Heimdall has a point. But I can’t let that be the last word. No one is more wrapped up in this thing than we are; I have to try. Excuse me! High Priests of Northern Gods? I have a statement I’d like to make to, you know, the Northern Gods.
Wrecan: What are you doing? You’re going to get us kicked out!
Roy: And if they decide to destroy the world, that will matter…how, exactly?
Wrecan: …Yeah, OK, good point. Just try to keep it quick so they don’t get too mad.
Roy: I’m Roy Greenhilt, and I’m an adventurer who has been fighting this rift thing. Also, just a generally big fan of the world, for what it’s worth. What I’m not is a god, or a cleric, or even particularly religious. Pretty much at all. So I don’t pretend to know what value each of you places on us down here. But from the sound of it, whether or not you destroy the world today or five minutes after someone breaks the Fifth Gate, you get pretty much the same result—a new planet full of new worshippers. As I see it, therefore, you don’t really have much at stake here. We do. Our lives may be insignificant to you, but they have all the meaning in the world to us. And I’ve been dead before, too-and for all the comforts of the afterlife, I’m in no hurry to trade this existence for that one. Please-let those of us who have the most to lose try to fix this one more time. Give me and my friends the time we need to earn the continued lives of everyone. Though frankly, if you really want to nip this in the bud, order your priests here to join me on a little trip to squash this lich I know. This whole thing will be over by lunch tomorrow and we can work on resealing the rifts at our leisure. Ok, that’s… That’s it, I guess. Thank you for listening.
High Priest of Sif: What a moving speech.
High Priest of Balder: I don’t have the heart to tell him to gods can only hear each other.
Odin: LET THE VOTING COMMENCE!

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