Barbarian in the Playground
Join Date: Jun 2008
Re: D&D Snippets
Originally Posted by Lord Raziere
How I killed two party members by inventing the dirigible.
That's... that's insane.
Hilarious, but insane.
Originally Posted by big teej
"to rescue a prince" (or "to scare a party member")
Ah, I've been waiting for this one, and you definitely did not disappoint! Gideon is an amazing character, and I just can't get enough of his glory-seeking, and his flair for the dramatic. His sense of humor never ceases to amuse and amaze me either. I could really feel his disappointment when he had his kill stolen, and I had a huge grin when I read the ending. Excellent work man!
Originally Posted by big teej
Adventure one: rescue the Unicorn!
Now this one, unfortunately, I wasn't as crazy about. I liked the story, but it felt like there was a bit too much of the "he did this, she did that," sort of storytelling, which hampered the flow of the storytelling and made me feel more detached than engaged. I have to agree with Lady Moreta here. i.e. try writing from a third-person limited view focusing on one of the characters and their thoughts specifically. I would also suggest trying to turn a little bit more detail and description toward the background, items, and the characters' emotional reactions, as doing so would help to include the reader in all the action and drama and make the whole experience a lot more engrossing overall. Just don't go overboard with it. All in all, there's a lot of room for improvement, but it wasn't bad at all. Keep working at it, and you'll be just as good at third person as you are at first!
Originally Posted by Lady Moreta
Of Headaches and Friendship
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I love it! I thoroughly enjoyed the dichotomy of the switching points of view, as I felt that they added a lot of interest to the story. They really kept me on my toes while reading because of how different the two personalities of the characters' were, with Silver's more cynical personality contrasting perfectly with Lester's forthright tone and concern. I could really feel a sense of urgency in the story as well, and you did an excellent job of conveying Silver's worsening conditions to really drive that home. The interaction between Silver and Lester was just delightful and incredibly sweet. The way Silver slowly let her guard down over the course of their conversation was just perfect, and I loved how they finished their conversation. The two are a good match, methinks.
You really deserve to be proud of this snippet. I don't have enough nice things to say about it!
I wish I could say the same for myself though. I've been having a lot of trouble feeling good about my writing lately, and most everything I've been doing just hasn't been meeting my expectations. Maybe I'm just trying to force myself too much.
And that leads me to this snippet. Natalia has been ridiculously hard to write for lately, so I'm actually quite proud I was able to pull this one off. I don't feel that it's my best work, but I'm pretty sure it's a start to the end of my writer's block. At the very least, Natalia will get her time back in the spotlight again.
I wanted to die.
I really did. Every day, nothing awaited me but more pain and abuse at the hands of the Deathwind. At first, I wanted to kill him and escape, but the Fear Legion was well-organized and filled with dangerous soldiers, while I was a malnourished and mistreated prisoner. I could never escape, and now, it wasn’t even worth trying. My hope had died, and now all I wanted was to die with it. But even that was denied to me.
I had tried to escape not so long ago, only to be caught by the Deathwind and beaten bloody for my insolence. Since then, all I ever experienced was never ending assault and constant pain, while chained to a pole in the Deathwind’s tent like an animal. All that was left for me were the memories of the dead and a tiny amulet in the shape of an eight-pointed star.
Well, that, and the mystery of Nesra. That strange name that the Deathwind would mutter to himself whenever he saw me. There was just something about the way he said it that chilled me to my very bones. It was almost as if he was seeing something that wasn’t really there. But what did it mean? What was Nesra? Who was Nesra?
I guess it didn’t really matter anymore, did it? Those things weren’t enough to keep me going. They were all useless to me. Nothing mattered anymore but ending my suffering.
And that’s when I saw it. A long, slender knife, partially hidden by the clutter of the table where it laid, seemed to gleam right before my eyes. The Deathwind was gone… My chain was long enough… Could this have finally been my chance?
Nervously, I inched over to the blade and grabbed it. I felt the weight of the cold, hard steel in my hands as I pressed it against my chest. I felt tears begin to well in my eyes as I prepared to plunge the knife into my heart.
And then, out of nowhere, hideous, high-pitched laughter filled the room. The Hearteater had arrived, seemingly out of nowhere.
“What’s this Natalia? Trying to take your leave of us so soon? What a shame!” he cackled maniacally. “I even had a deal for you today!”
“What could you possibly want from me?” I asked hoarsely. This was the first time I had spoken in gods know when.
“It’s not just what I want from you, but what you want from me,” he chuckled evilly. “You want to be free, do you not?”
I could barely believe what he was offering. Was there actually a chance at freedom?
“What do you want from me?” I asked carefully. I had seen enough of the Hearteater to know that he was far from trustworthy. Cruel, manipulative, and far too clever for his own good, he was behind almost every atrocity that the Deathwind committed. And now he was offering me a chance to finally escape.
“Nothing much really. You see, I am but a simple medicine man. By tribal tradition, I can never become leader unless someone else nominates me. Now, also by tribal tradition, the only way one can become leader is to be nominated, or…” he giggled nastily. “To defeat the current leader in single combat. You see where I’m going? You-” he pointed at me. “You are a warrior, are you not? Trained by the Emperor’s finest?” he bent down next to me and began to whisper. “You see, I want you to challenge the Deathwind, and kill him. Then you can name me the chieftain, and I can set you free,” he sounded giddy with excitement.
He was insane. No doubt about it. Yet he had given me hope, and I was not going to relinquish it so quickly. But still. What he was asking was suicide. He had to have a plan.
“I’ve been defeated by the Deathwind once before. How can you possibly expect me to win, especially the way I am now?”
“Ah! You are a clever one, my dear. But I am cleverer!” he produced a small vial, filled to the brim with a dark, viscous, green liquid. “Just find some way to get this in him, and he will never be a threat to you again,” As I studied the poison, he unshackled me. “Don’t run now, or I’ll have you hunted down,” he hissed. “Now then, I must go. No telling when he’ll be back,” he turned to leave.
“Wait!” I shouted. He stopped suddenly, before he turned slowly back to me.
“What more do you want?!” the Hearteater growled. I felt the hair stand on the back of my neck at his sudden shift in mood. I was taken aback, and more scared than anything, but there was still something that I had to know.
“He had called me Nesra,” I said carefully, trying hard not to provoke him. “Who is that?”
The Hearteater froze. I could feel his gaze focused heavily upon me from underneath his mask, and just like the Deathwind, he seemed to be seeing something, or someone, that was not there. Then, the next thing I knew, he had doubled over in laughter, his manic shrieks once again filling the room.
“Oh this is too good!” the Hearteater said excitedly. “Nesra? That’s his dead wife! Ahaha! Oh! He thinks that you’re her? I knew you were the right choice!”
His shrill laughter still filled my ears even after he had walked away.
It was not soon after he had left when the Deathwind arroved. Covered almost entirely in blood and gore, he stalked over to his bed and collapsed into it. Soon, he was fast asleep, snoring loudly. I gazed upon his form in utter revulsion. The world would not be worse off without him. I would be saving lives by doing this. It would be worth it.
I smiled as I emptied the bottle into his throat.