Quote Originally Posted by Rebelhero View Post
ALSO- The Work in progress: Ponyard's story. Fixed obvious errors and added length and detail to it.
As I mentioned in Google Docs, the story reads well enough. I'm not getting a clear sense of direction from it yet, likely due to still setting things up at this point. I would hope that the first proper "chapter" gives a better indicator of where the story will be headed, though.
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First, I'm not sure how well someone with limited magic would be able to "weaving together a thick rope". I'm no expert, but am under the impression that putting together rope is a fairly time-consuming and difficult task, certainly not something I'd expect a youngster with limited telekinesis to do in a few minutes. Braiding together vines to form a makeshift rope seems just fine, though.

I am a bit confused as to where the rope-vines are set up. There was a trip-wire along the ground, and and the rest were tied around the treetops? If he needed to run through his own trap, then he'd need to avoid his own trip-wire.

People in tense or time-short situations generally don't monologue to themselves. It tends to break the pacing. Rather than having Ponyard spend a minute telling us what the trap does and finishing with "and it worked", perhaps just spell out what happens when the manticore falls into the trap.

For something that was tearing apart trees easily, having a few trees fall on it seems unusually effective. I could certainly see it being pinned and tied up, but not "buried under a Ton of rotting tree". I doubt Ponyard managed to rope together that many trees. Also, Ton does not need to be capitalized.

“However!” His father broke in...
This paragraph doesn't get the attitude across very well. Is Ponyard's father overjoyed? Annoyed? Begrudgingly accepting? If he's happy, he should be smiling and perhaps giving a pat on the back. Also, for someone so "happy" he sure seemed stotic earlier.

What were his "special talents" that kept him from regular schooling? If this is supposed to be when Mother Kipling first discovered his illusions, then he'd still be in school. If she already knew, then you should give that reason for them pulling him from school.

Why is a unicorn taking physical combat training? That seems rather unusual, and I think you'd want to highlight that point. Also,
“These rocks are coming from somewhere…Disable whatever is hurling them at me; I end training early, and I’m harder to hit the more I move.”
This seems like a thought or recollection of an earlier conversation, not something that Ponyard or Father is saying at the time. It should be italized, as a thought in that case.


I wouldn't be too discouraged from the length of this list. A lot of them are just asking for clarification, or technical nitpics. (Critiquing on making rope? Really?) Anyways, like I said before, it reads well enough. My main critique is that we don't have a clear direction for it yet.