'The Invasion' part 4/8 cont. I really should learn to shut up.

Spoiler
Show
You have a friend (at the very least a close associate) who is the commander of a specialised military division investigating aliens and suspicious people. He knows that Frollo is Up to Something. He asked you to help him prove Frollo was Up to Something. You have proof that Frollo is Up to Something - he kidnaps[/I] people. Call in the Brig with his[/I] entire military division and equipment at his disposal so you can go rescue the Girls.

This is not something you should be wasting!

Yes that point deserved all italics!

I hate it when the plot dictates someone hold such a large idiot ball. And Jamie didn't even object to this! Even though he is more invested in saving the Girls by far (because he's chivalrous). Come on Jamie, I know the Doctor is your One Twu Wuv and you will literally follow him all over the universe and to the ends of time to be with him, but this doesn't mean you should cave into his every whim when you definitely know better than him at this point in time.

No, really. Can anyone out there provide an even halfway plausible reason to not literally call in the (horseless) cavalry?! He has an entire army division at his beck and call. He knows Frollo has his own private personal army! That have guns! And are willing to use them! He and Jamie are going to infiltrate Villain HQ on their own without the element of surprise, when the Villains know full well they have the bait for the perfect trap!

WHERE IS YOUR BRAIN?!

He hasn't even bothered to ring up the Brig and fill him in the the situation!

Oh I hope to God that the Brig rides in with UNIT to rescue the ninnies and them give them a good telling off. I have used so much italics over this one stupid decision because it is that stupid.

Thank Heaven Cpt. Jimmy's up in the air to tell the Brig what's up. He has the smart ball as far as I'm concerned. Oh I do enjoy logic.

At times.

When it makes sense.

(Someone really needs to buy me a Queen poster. Yes. I've decided to attempt multitasking while watching a Queen documentary (and concert). I just know this is going to go wrong somehow because if you think I'm a Doctor Who fangirl or a slash fan, you haven't seen me and my love affair with Queen. Thank God for subtitles.)

Cpt. Jimmy notes there's a "lot of unusual activity", which is saying something for a place with its own personal army. In my mind this place looks like an overturned anthill from above. Of course this is the Brig's clue that "the Doctor and the boy" (really Brig, the boy has a name. Even if Jamie has boyishly good looks and is rather young) are either in trouble, were in trouble or are going to be in trouble very soon.

Or it should be. You should not be ordering Cpt. Jimmy to "[g]et out of the area and stand by". But at least he's not being stood down.

Oh my! I should stop rubbishing the Brig before he has a chance to prove himself to me (yeah right, he's just awesome full stop), so he gets onto his radio operator and have him transmit a message. Said message being: "This is the Brigadier. All units, stand by. Full penetration of red section imminent." Imagine a dirty laugh here. Look, the Brig (in animated form) has a pornstache, and he was talking about penetration. I have a juvenile mind.

So in a natural response to the readying of the cavalry (and I am definitely expecting a Big Fight in the last third or so of the serial) we cut to the Villains noticing the spying. And yes, the Conspicuously Hovering Helichopter was the first thing PPP mentioned. The second being "two of the outer perimeter guard posts" Oh Sweet Heaven they have an outer perimeter "reported seeing strangers in the area outside."

So a private army is better than a specialised army division whose aim is specifically to investigate things that are weird in a supernatural/non-human sense. That or the spies and scouts are just having a clumsy day that day.

Whoa. PPP: "I think this Doctor's with the UNIT organisation." And here I was thinking UNIT was a semi-secret organisation. Or at least not noticeably different from any other army division. That or Frollo's private army/espionage are just that good.

OH! Oh! Remember Billy Rutledge from episode one?! That's how these guys know about UNIT. That is so awesome. And you know what's even more amazing? Frollo's response to having a government sanctioned X-Files type thingy stalking their every move. "[We're going to do n]othing. They can't harm us Packer. We're in control. [He glances at PPP] Or at least I am." BURN! "Leave this to me."

Nearly every time Frollo opens his mouth or discusses his plan I am more and more impressed with him and his self-assured confidence. He just carries this air of supreme confidence and like everything really is going according to some master plan in his head like he expected everything in advance. I'm pretty much expecting him to say 'Just as planned' any moment now. I'm almost certain it's going to go tits up sooner or later. Probably later as I'm fifteen minutes away from the halfway mark and really he hasn't been all that inconvenienced by anything.

Hell, if anything, he's had two windfalls in the shape of Miss Legs and Zoe has Blackmail Bait, and finding out that things like the TARDIS exists in order to give him a Last Escape Plan.

Jammy beggar.

In contrast the Doctor's broken his TARDIS, lost a couple of pieces of it (though I think he got them back), found out the person he needs to fix them is AWOL, lost a Companion and her new friend, found out that his replacement scientist has been kidnapped, and nearly got himself and Jamie shot or something along those lines. And probably a few things I forgot too!

So yeah. Frollo is in control of everything at the moment.

Which is rather ominous considering we then cut immediately to the Doctor who appears to be strolling unconcernedly through a massive open space while an alarm blares. Is the Doctor planning to get captured again?

Good Heavens! There Fake Police are literally everywhere. At the risk of making a terrible pun . . . this is a police state taken to the extreme. It's probably a capitalist's nightmare or something. Or something political that presents communism/non-capitalism in a negative light.

Look, I am not political in any sense of the word. Well, I can talk European and British politics up to 1603 rather well, and then I'm passable until the 1830s at which point my political savviness becomes rather good until the 1940s. But frankly, anything post-1960 (excluding Thatcher because I've seen Yes, Minister) is like a Black Hole of Ignorance.

I troll my politically minded friends with my ignorance of politics! This will explain my vagueness about some political interpretations (not to mention my desire to not break forum rules). At least I'm flamboyant about my ignorance.

This is all atmosphere anyway to show that this is some really serious business, that there is a very real danger, and of course, to highlight the whole thematic business I brought up last episode. And then you have Good Army (UNIT) - government sanctioned, caring for the good of the individual and the whole, wearing light coloured fatigures and showing their faces with actual identites v. the Bad Army (Fake Police) - private (and of dubious legality), very institutionalised, abusing the individual, wearing black and obscuring their faces and lacking names.

This is all subliminal stuff (perhaps) and most definitely taken for granted. This is freedom v. oppression basic political/ideological stuff going on here.

So I suppose in this context the Boys represent . . . the absolute freedom of the individual acting of his own autonomy to his own goals independent of any form of institution. Mmmmm, yes. I suppose (if this political theme goes as I'm seeing it) it does make sense for the benevolent institution to come to aid the bohemian individual in his/her time of need.

Hehe. Look at me and my Big Political Ideas. I am definitely reading too much into this. Eh. If the 'message' is there it's there intended or not. I fully support the 'Death of the Author' version of criticism! Even if I can't stand Roland Barthes' theories in general.

((Oh good. They're talking about Freddie's death right now. I managed one minute of Doctor Who per hour of documentary. Queen fans, please see the documentary Queen: These Are the Days of Our Lives.))

Our Boys have found the central block and Jamie, who seemingly possesses all the brains the Good Guys have to offer right now (aside from the Brig) asks "How do we find out which room they're in? And when we have, how do we get them out?" Yes Doctor. Tell us in your almighty wisdom how you're planning to break two idiot Girls out of a prison with only Jamie at your side. When the enemy knows you're coming for them.

The Doctor's answer? "Stop looking for problems, Jamie. Let's get along up there, shall we?" I'll let that statement stand on its own in all its glory shall I?

. . . JUST ONE THING! YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR THESE SORTS OF PROBLEMS BEFORE GOING ALONE AND UNARMED INTO THE HEART OF ENEMY TERRITORY TO RESCUE TWO CIVILIANS FROM PEOPLE WHO KNOW YOU'RE COMING! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU AND YOUR ALLY ARE ALSO BOTH CIVILIANS!

Oh Lord. Now Frollo's speaking over the PA system. Will he be taunting me about cake or lemons next? You know, probably if you twist and squint hard enough you can see Frollo in GLADoS. Not that I've ever played or seen an LP of either Portal game.

Oh God. It's a timed mission. "Doctor, if you can hear me, listen. You have ten minutes, Doctor. Ten minutes to relinquish your freedom." And look at this! These graphics and the overall tone of this part of the episode are straight out of an early 2000s console game. And the whole 'your freedom for the Girl' thing? Oh, this is such a cliché now, and maybe it was even then. But who cares I am digging this cliché video game fest so hard.

I bet the next thing out of Frollo's mouth is 'or the girl gets it'!

F: "At the end of that time, your young friend Zoe will pay the consequences of your foolish and totally pointless opposition." Oh my giggy aunt look at this! It's beautiful! Granted the consequences will probably involve rape which is a Bad Thing, but look at the setup and situation! I can smell the cheese and it smells glorious!

Oh, and Jamie? Out of concern for Zoe, or more likely the Doctor and the predicament he's in . . . rests his hand on the Doctor's shoulder. Yes, I consider this fitting and not-so-suspect given the situation, but it's like. I have completely given up on there being a scene between these two and there not being any touching. For them every single situation imaginable is touch-friendly.

Is it only Jamie who doesn't understand personal space, or is the Doctor as touchy feely with all his Companions? I won't lie and tell you that I'm hoping for the latter.

Oh, and Jamie's marvellous response to Frollo's ultimatum? "Ten minutes. That's not much time!" I mean, it's only six hundred seconds! That's less than eleven minutes!

Ah, but here comes the Doctor (any Doctor's) arrogance. "It's just about enough time to effect a simple rescue operation. Come along Jamie." Not that I've kept count or anything, but it seems like ninety percent of the time the Doctor's talking to Jamie he says his name. It's cute.

But my response to the Doctor pretty much mirrors Jamie's: "Simple?" Oh, the days when a Companion actually acted like an audience stand-in and not some feckless Mary Sue self-insert whose 'love' for the Doctor was so impossibly overwhelming that my -

You get my drift.

There's so much steam roller bias going on here.

OH MY GOD GIRLS! I haven't seen them in some forty minutes! And I swear Miss Legs' dress has gotten shorter in the meantime. Come on upskirt shots! And why is Zoe still in her feather boa? Also, I was promised scandalously tight sparkly catsuits. WHERE ARE MY KINKY CATSUITS OF FANSERVICE?!

The sausagefest has ended. I am conflicted. On the one hand 'girlpower' and two characters are finally getting some plot time; on the other hand, I don't particularly care for them, and they're taking away my Villain!Time, my Brig!Time and my Boys!Time. And they are fairly bland characters. Pre-character development Mickeys all 'round.

So there's some ineffectual flailing and shouting. As you can imagine it does nothing and of course it's all about Zoe, "I suppose [they brought us here] because I ruined that stupid computer of theirs." Ugh. Don't. If you remind me of Rose my opinion of you character alters +1 Hate/-1 Like. I took the Hating Rose feat three levels ago.

Fortunately Miss Legs is some sort of grown up as she wonders why they'd kidnap them if that was the case. Zoe's 'intelligent' answer? "I don't know. Anyway, we've got to get out of here."

Now. I fully understand that the reasoning behind their kidnapping doesn't really matter, but Zoe shouldn't be so self-centred without a reason. She has no reason! And I'm damn sure that in that office interview they namedropped by the Doctor and Miss Legs' uncle. Surely that's a much more plausible reason for being kidnapped than 'mucked up a crappy computer'. But yeah, they can't escape out the window. It's a sheer drop.

Something I'd have intuitively known a long time before that, but we all know that they only looked out the window so they could cut to out Boys scaling the side of a building on a ladder! Like Spiderman, but without any of the superpowers.

But the Girls are shouting loudly and the Doctor's not happy with this because this is meant to be a Sneaky Rescue Mission and these Girls are Not Sneaky. At least the Girls aren't complete idiots (unlike certain people) so when the Doctor gestures for them to belt up and back away from the window they do. Just like the obedient women they're meant to be.

I think this show (in general) is turning me into a misogynist.

But I have an extremely good reason for being one. Because the main female characters in the family sci-fi film (bar two) are twits and I want to slap them so hard.

ML: "It looked as if they were trying to tell us something." oh god in heaven above wot are their brains like. The Doctor was only making the universally understood 'shush' and 'back up' signs. Even in the most jingoistic shows on earth the 'backwards natives' can understand these two signs! EVEN THE CANNIBALS! Yes. Even racist depictions of foreigners are smarter than these two Girls. EVEN THE FRENCH ARE WRITTEN SMARTER THAN THESE TWO!

I have seen a lot of things in my time on the telly and the cinema. I have seen some apocalyptically idiotic things. I have wanted to reach through the screen and slap people silly, shake them, murder them, give them all the hugs and generally high five people for being excellent.

And yet it has been months since I actually reached for the screen in order to chastise someone. For all that Miss Legs is sassy, from the sixties and desparate for some upskirt shots of Zoe she is rapidly approaching Talullah levels of annoyance. (For the record, one Tallulah is half a 'Rose' Level Rose)

Z: "The Doctor wants us to keep away from the window" thank Christ a woman with half a brain! "for some reason." Never mind. And itt gets worse!

ML: "I wonder why?"

Z: "Well I'm not sure." This girl made a computer commit logical suicide and she doesn't understand why shouting at your attempted rescuers when they're trying to rescue you from a heavily manned compound is a bad thing!

Oh hai there AUTO. Seems BNL bought out Not-Microsoft during the interim. And it's this obvious spybot that gives Zoe a clue. I'm beginning to think her brain only works in the presence of robots and computers because she whispers to Miss Legs to tell her to "try and act as though nothing has happened" because they're being spied on.

OH MY GIGGY AUNT THE DOCTOR FINALLY GOT A CLUE AND CONTACTED THE BRIG! The Brig oddly enough seems to be standing in the middle of a cave or something as he is surrounded entirely by blackness. Did the animators just forget the backgrounds or something until the last minute and just filled everything in with black to save face?

Oh. They're inside the UNIT aeroplane HQ thing. You know, the place full of military bustle and espionage that should be done in the daylight so that nothing gets messed up. The bit of silly aside, the Doctor enquires after the helichopter they've been aside, specifically asking if they "have a rope ladder on board".

I don't think I like where this is going guys.

Natch, the helichopter does indeed have a rrrrrope ladder (I love how they rrrrroll their 'are's) and the Doctor tells the Brig that he and Jamie are "just going up to the roof of the main building" and UNIT has a map of the area!

I know this is basic intel but it makes me happy! Also, the Brig's face guys, the Brig's face. He is the genius of deadpan. I think he's thinking 'Yes Doctor, tell the Brigadier with command of his own specialised military division about basic military knowledge'. Given that finding cover to avoid getting his men killed or asploded is basic logic he agrees with the Doctor.

And since our Good Amry/Bad Army contrast is still ongoing, we're off to see how PPP commands his men. Brusquely. Frollo's still being confident and assures PPP the Boys won't do anything to get the Girls in trouble. My flaw this this train of thought is that the Boys do any things to get the Boys in trouble, so they're quite likely to get the Girls in trouble too.

Especially as the Girls are thicker than two short planks.

Speaking of the Timed Mission the Boys are on . . . five minutes left. PPP asserts once again that the Boys wouldn't give themselves up, "[t]hey'd be mad to!" And Frollo walks over to the window where we get a lovely reflected shot of the noisy helichopter flying more or less right past the window.

F: "Not mad Packer, merely human." He says human like it's a bad thing. And although I'm about eighty percent certain he's biologically human his mindset certainly isn't.

Our Villains state the obvious about the helichopter, and Frollo muses, "Perhaps they do mean to save their own skins after all". So he seems to be assuming it's an evac, and not a proper rescue mission. In the sense that they're rescuing people who are captured rather than people requesting an evac.

Whoa. F: "Stop them. SHOOT IT DOWN IF NECESSARY!" Dude. Army helichopter. Shoot that thing down on British territory and the entire Armed Forces of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland will descend upon you like rabid Hellhounds. This is domestic terrorism going on here, and back in the 1960s there weren't the laws there are now! I mean, one a scale of 1 - 10 of Normal Trouble shooting down an obviously military spec. helichopter when you know you're being watched by them is about a 10.

Oh hello. You know that ladder our Boys were climbing up? Turns out Jamie went first. The Doctor spent the better part of five minutes looking up Jamie's kilt.

Oh Jamie's Scottish accent makes me happy. He called our Girls "lassies". Also, the ladder's going over the side of the building. In my mind I'm seeing a scene straight out of Die Hard. And it's Jamie who's going to be the John McClane of this film! A rather staid one.

And a bit clumsy! He slipped! He's hanging onto the ladder by one hand. Luckily he's Jamie so everything's fine.

Oh sweet baby cheeses. The Idiot Girls upon hearing a helichopter overhead and seeing a ladder dropped down in front of the window react thusly: ML: "Something must be going on." No faecal matter Sherlock.

Surprisingly, the sight of Jamie compels the Girls to act intelligently and barricade the door to buy them some extra time while they escape. Sadly, they forget about AUTO watching them conspicuously from the ceiling. They should have covered it up and maybe whispered because I bet the next thing we're going to do is cut to out Villains.

Well, no. Just some more barricading and Jamie opening the window.

Miss Legs has now reached Tallulah Grade One levels of annoyance. "You don't think we're going up that [ladder] do you?"

J: "You don't want to be left here with Vaughn and Packer. Now go on!" One: ladies first yeah? So upskirt shots up ahead. I would very much like some upskirt shots right now.

Why I am so eager to - hello! It was just a matter of time wasn't it? I have a feeling I should feel bad about objectifying my own sex and demand to see their knickers, but I just feel happy. And remember: family show airing in 1968. Children as the primary demographic. And they threw something in for the dad's anyway. That and it probably couldn't be avoided.

Sadly, we have to cut away from the blatant fanservice because PPP and the Fake Police and running (well, bouncing really) pell mell towards the building.

They're firing on my Jamie with machine guns!! Granted they're all missing because they obviously went to the Stormtrooper Shooting Academy (and stole their uniform), but machine guns! Jamie!

And the Doctor decides to show his contempt for those regnerationless fools by standing on a rooftop being shot at by professional soldiers just to congratulate Jamie. The Fake Police then storm the building to capture them.

Luckily enough, the roof is a long way away from the ground. But Miss Legs is pretty damn stupid because she assume that by standing on the roof they've escaped their predicament even though this means they've not escaped yet! Which does lead me to wonder why the Doctor didn't just urge the Girls to keep on climbing the ladder to get into the helichopter.

Oh, and you know what the Doctor does to avoid getting his legs shot off by bullets? Skip! It's such an adorkable thing to do. They very first thing I thought of when I saw the little scene was 'Eleven would do that!'

And Miss Legs deigns to give us another upskirt shot. Oooh, and she's in thigh highs too. But here's the thing. Zoe's on the helichopter, Miss Legs is next, then Jamie. This means the Doctor gets to look up Jamie's kilt again! I bet we're not going to see an upskirt shot of Jamie though. All those attracted to males are now disappoint. (And another upskirt shot of Miss Legs (that's three in a minute, and each shot is three or four seconds long))

More gunfire. More gunfire. Oh, never mind. To avoid the male upkilt shot Jamie was all chivalrous and sent the Doctor up too. So now we're left with bated breath praying Jamie doesn't get caught or shot.

D (and Curly): "Come on Jamie, hurry up!" YES. What are you doing just standing on the roof sweetie?! Climb!

Ah.

That might pose a wee bit of a problem yes.

Or not.

THIS IS AWESOME.

Look, as I said in the screencap this episode was reconstructed from the memories of those involved, so this happened IRL too. And I don't know if they had stunt doubles or not as the budget was pants, but this means that an unprotected Jamie (or a stuntman posing as Jamie) flew under heavy machine gun fire clinging onto a rope ladder into the sun!

This makes me happy. Because Jamie is the Rory of Classic Who.

Back with the Brig the gunfire is transmitted through the headset (any army types/flying types/technical types reading this: is this possible?), and naturally demands to know whether ground support is needed. And the response? "Hello sir" Because there's always times for pleasantries no matter the situation if you're British "No sir, mission accomplished. On our way back now."

Which while true, does, in true British fashion, gloss over a few minor things like being under heavy fire at close distance, having a civilian hanging precariously onto the ladder during said heavy weapons fire and a few other things like that.

But luckily, as our Cpt. Jimmy Turner says, "All well [ . . . ] Vaughn's jackboots couldn't shoot a flying elephant." Which is my new favourite thing. Even if it does make Dumbo cry. Who would want to shoot him?! Only horrible people with no souls! And the Master because he is crazy awesome.

So the Brig cancels the red alert and orders all UNIT groups returned to base. And now that that's happened we naturally cut to PPP shouting "That helicopter was one of the UNIT force group. I told you."

And yet even after one of his plans has finally gone belly up all Frollo has to say is (surprise surprise) "Don't panic Packer. You've blundered again, but fortunately it won't really matter." Now see, as much as I don't like PPP you can't blame him for everything Frollo. And even though I like that you're trying to play both sides, it would have gone much easier for you if you just killed or otherwise incapacitated the Boys.

Fortunately for PPP he is as smart as a twenty-one year old civilian girl and he is now worried about "an official reaction".

F: "There will be no official reaction. I've told you, we are in command." How? I'm sorry, but you can't have brainwashed the entirety of the government and the heads of the Armed Forces. You just can't can you?

PPP: "But - "

F: "DON'T ARGUE PACKER! JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD MAN! AND FOR ONCE, DO IT RIGHT!" Frollo's one scary man. And probably taking his frustration out unfairly on PPP. I'm loving the deterioration of the relationship between these two.

Frollo's new plan is to load the Prof's machine up into his [Frollo's] car, because they're gong back to London.

PPP: "Back to London sir? But you can't go back - " Why? I am intrigued and my intrigues must be answered. But all Frollo says is that plans must be altered because PPP is so clumsy. This is an unanswer.

Oh wait. "I intend to bring the invasion forrwards." Why are all the alien invasion in Doctor Who started in London or Cardiff? Never Edinburgh or Bristol or Milton Keynes (that last one's because it's such a depressing and evil place). You'd think it'd be cheaper to film in Generic!City/Town wouldn't you, but apparently it's not.

Frollo's now decided to launch the invasion in twenty-four hours even though PPP asserts that the CYbermen'd never agree to it, "[t]he invasion forces aren't anywhere near complete". I do like how they're not mentioning the alien's names here. And it doesn't feel clunky or obvious at all.

F: "They'll be sufficient for our immediate purpose. After the invasion, we'll no longer have a need for secrecy." While he has a point, I'd rather overcompensate so that my invasion force doesn't get wiped out by something I'd not planned for.

Oooh. THis is ominous. Frollo's going to "deal with our UNIT friends". I'm liking this ominousness.

OH DEAR THIS IS BAD. FROLLO BLINKED! PROPERLY! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALL FOUR EPISODES!

This guy has the phone number for the MoD and enough clout to make them answer to him personally and immediately. Wow.

Oh this telephone exchange is so polite and British. And guys, I was right. Frollo control Billy Rutlidge. Turns out he is a major general. But someone I doubt he is the very model of a modern major general with information vegetable, animal and mineral, knowing all the kings of England and the fights historical from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.

Billy Rutlidge orders Frollo put through immediately, and boy is he nervous about this call. And "priority scramble is in operation". And Frollo just like that orders Billy Rutlidge to put a stop to all of UNIT's investigations into Not-Microsoft. And it is obeyed. There must be some prime blackmail and/or mind control going on here.

I gather that Frollo's probably got mind control powers or something, but I seriously want to know the intricacies of this. This is a major general. The only ranks above this are Lieutenant General, General and three degrees of Field Marshall. Major General Rutlidge is in charge of one division of ten to fifteen thousand men! That is a lot! The Brig is only in charge of a regiment of three to five thousand men.

After that moment of treason we cut back to the Brig telling it as it is. "You were lucky, dead lucky."

And Jamie darling brings on the sarcasm! "He said it would be a simple rescue operation. Simple" complete with an eyeroll. Miss Legs demands to know what will happen to her uncle and the Brig, filled with righteous anger insists everything will be fine eventually because people will listen to him now and "No one, not even Tobias Vaughn, can go as far as trying to shoot down one of my helicopters." Shame he has done already. I'm wondering if going AWOL will be on the Brig's agenda?

Miss Legs brings up her lack of camera, and while I want to smack her good 'round the face Cpt. Jimmy Turner admits that those photos "would have clinched it as far as the Ministry are concerned". Which is true. Shame the Billy Rutlidge is under Frollo's thumb though. All their confidence is for naught. The betrayal will be mighty methinks.

And Jamie, well, Jamie cannot keep his eyes off the Doctor so he notices that something's wrong and goes over to him. They're probably feeling touch withdrawal as it's been a good while since they've touched one another onscreen. It's lovely to see how much our Boys care for one another though.

And who does the Doctor choose to confide in? Jamie! "[T]hat object on the other side of the moon" It's okay if you don't remember that, it was in the first ninety seconds of the serial. Way to tail off Doctor, I had to get from Zoe that it was a space ship!

And I'm loving the Brig's scepticism about space ships on the other side of the moon. Then again, the first manned moon mission wasn't until 1969. Whoa.

Doctor. Pieces of the puzzle: put them together. A space ship 300 000 km (ish) away from earth. A deep space radio station obviously has enough power to reach that far. Not-Microsoft with their weird extraneous circuitry. A monkey could put it together!

Cpt. Jimmy Turner just did! "I know this may sound ridiculous" And by ridiculous he means perfectly obvious, "But could those reported sightings of UFOs have anything to do with this?"

Okay . . . wasn't expecting that. BUT THIS MAKES THINGS EVEN MORE OBVIOUS! I know I have the DVD cover to spoiler everything for me, but come on Doctor! You're a super-genius.

D'aaaawwwww. Jamie doesn't know what a UFO is. This is precious and huggable. Oh, and it turns out there are photos of the Cyberships.

I want to see what a Cybership looks like. Sadly, we're back with the Prof. and Frollo. The Prof. is threatening Frollo. But Frollo, well, "I tell you [your niece] is perfectly safe."

This man is a God of Manipulation. He's telling the precise truth in a way that implies the safety is temporary. Blah blah blah, you have twenty-four hours to complete your machine and if you don't you will realise my threat is meaningless. I mean, you would "have cause to worry about your niece". So they're off to London town.

Oooh yay! CYberships.

Oh come on Doctor! One of those photographs was clear as day. And these photographs and reports have been collecting for a year.

Cpt. J: "The odd thing about these sightings is that they usually seem to disappear somewhere over southeast England." So I was right; Kent, Surrey and Sussex area. Which coincidentally is "where all those factories and laboratories of Vaughn's are" (ML). So what, Frollo owns the Home Counties now?

I AM SHOUTING AT MY SCREEN NOW! SOMEONE CONNECT THE DAMNABLE DOTS! THEY SHOULD BE PUNCHING YOU IN THE FACE WITH THEIR BLEEDING OBVIOUSNESS RIGHT ABOUT NOW! WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED, A GIANT STICKER ON THE SPACESHIPS SAYING PROPERTY OF NOT-MICROSOFT?!

D: "Jamie, when you were hiding in that crate, you say something moved?" YES! A soon-to-be-Cyberman!

Oh Jesus. Is this the first Cyberman story ever? If so it will excuse a lot of so-called idiocy, like not recognising a Cybership on sight. If it isn't, no excuse. But I don't want to cheat either. Comedic misinterpretation wins over being informed every time.

THe Doctor concludes (somewhat obviously) that transporting the WTIC up to London is shift business, so they need to go back to Frollo's London HQ.

B: "I don't think that's wise Doctor. You've been lucky so far." The Doctor has the luck of the Irish.

Jamie tries to tell the Doctor he's not going back there, but for once the Doctor utterly ignores Jamie (I'm shocked too) and asks to see a map of Villain London HQ. Natch, UNIT has one. UNIT has everything.

Why is Zoe still wearing that damn feather boa.

And the Doctor thinks it's "fortunate" that they're walking into a trap. Colour me intrigued. The Brig offers to help because he is both an officer and a gentleman and . . . well.

D: "Brigadier, you don't by any chance know where I can find a canoe?" Is he intending on paddling up the Thames? I have got to see this!

I think it's just a tributary to the Thames. But Jamie and the Doctor are paddling a canoe in the centre of London. Probably fairly close to Battersea! This is ridiculous and I'm loving it. And the fact that the GIrls have been ditched again. They're morons.

Eh. Are they going into one of the underground parts of the London rivers? The sewers? I think it might be something sewer-like because it's got big walkways on either side of the river.

I think this is some kind of storage area or something maybe? There's all these support struts and things that maybe are crates? The animation quality isn't so good.

Okay, it's an underground entrance into enemy HQ then because there's a guard on guard (no, really?) with a gun. Naturally he's looking the other way so the Boys sneak past him. And the music is oddly electronic, but quite suspenseful.

And then there's a -

Cryogenically frozen cone bra era Madonna being tended by a man in a hazmat suit? I swear I'm not making this up. What is that?

D: "Jamie, I'm afraid I was right!" (And you still can't not say Jamie's name) And you were predicting that Not-Microsoft would be stealing 80s pop queens and freezing them twenty years before they became famous? What is your brain Doctor if you think those things.

And then there's a machine that goes 'dum dum dum dum dum' and has a component that goes whirly whirly round while lights flash and there're more dudes in hazmat suits and an evil scientist (you can tell because he's got scary, shiny glasses).

And then a hazmat dude puts some electrodes on Cone Bra Madonna which makes some more electronic beepy noises and the WCBMIC (Wrapped etc. Madonna inna Coffin) starts pulsating and beeping really fast! And it's all tense and stuff and I'm on the edge of my seat even though it's obvious what's happening.

And then Madonna was a Cyberman!

End Credit Scream!

I like this ending theme. And that's the end of Disc One.

Preview thoughts: No preview this time around.

Best Moment: My lechery wants to say the upskirt shot because I've been waiting so long for it, but I want to say the entire Timed Mission Escape Scene. It's delectably cheesy and awesome. It's so full of clichés and wonderful things that I just revel in geeky gleeful happiness watching it.

Worst Moment: SHUT UP AND GET A BRAIN GIRLS! Every single moment the Girls demonstrate their cluelessness - which is nearly every moment they're onscreen - I get annoyed.

I'm also oddly disappointed by the lack of touching in this episode.

Best Special Effect: The episode wouldn't exist if it wasn't animated.

Worst Special Effect: Sadly it's not very well animated as a whole.

Best Actor: JAMIE! He got to be badass and climb up and down a building, mount a nearly-solo rescue and then be brave and chivalrous making sure everyone else was safe before climbing too! Even though this ended up with him dangling from a helicopter being shot at!

Worst Actor: MISS LEGS!

Most Punchable Character: Miss Legs just edges out Zoe. So clueless. 'I'm not going to climb a ladder to my escape even though I've been kidnapped and am in serious trouble' indeed!

Death Count: None surprisingly.

Kink of the Episode: Upskirt shots and Jamie being badass.

Thoughts overall?

Girls can't do nothing and Jamie didn't touch the Doctor hardly at all (giving me a slash reprieve), but it resolved the kidnapping plot, we got a pretty tense reveal of the Alien Villain. And remember, I knew who it was when I started watching and I still found it tense. Granted I tend to immerse myself into these episodes pretty deeply, but still!

It was tense, eerie, and had a touch of Hammer Horror around the reveal proper. I mean, who doesn't dig mysterious scientists armed with mysterious machines animating mysterious things in coffins?

No one!

(And you know what I just found out? According to the little piece of paper that with the DVD with those information thingies on it this was the first Doctor Who episode to posit a global invasion by aliens. OH THIS IS SO COOL!)

After a fairly actionless three episodes this episode really goes all out on the action and I did enjoy it a lot. Back when it first aired it was probably fairly original, and reminiscent of WWII films, but now it just smacks of joyful clichés; especially for the gaming generation (not that I've ever played many computer or console games ever) where this kind of timed mission is all but stock nowadays.

Only the soulless would complain about the timed mission and video game qualities of the episode, and the serial in general.

Luckily, I have a soul, and revel in things that are hammy, cheesy and so many things that make watching and reviewing Doctor Who with a critical mind such a joy.

I'm only halfway through this serial, but I'd really put it on everyone's Must Watch List. So listen to me and Dr. Simon and give it a go. It's three hours of excellent characterisation, plot and marvellous fun.

I can only hope that the second half is as good or better than the first half. I don't think it will disappoint though.