Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Dracomorph]

Girlfriend is known to be untrustworthy, as in: "He's just my friend" turns into "I think I love him" in a few weeks...

I would react pretty strongly to this piece in general. As in, I don't think I'd date someone who kept falling for other people.

In this case, there isn't much you can do other than tell her that you neither like nor trust this guy. It's impossible unethical to change other people's feelings toward those they know, sadly. And, in any relationship, both of you have to recognize that the other might make friends you don't get along with. Even when past experience has made abundantly clear that it isn't a good idea to be friends with this guy.

[Alteran]

How would you all react?

Warn her. Remind her what he was like before, and how he treated her. Make sure she doesn't brush it off as "no big deal", because if he treated her as badly as you say, then it is a big deal. Or, more precisely, was. Like you said, this guy might have changed. I've certainly seen friends and acquaintances change, for better and for worse. Then again, just because this guy could have changed doesn't mean he has. I'd certainly be worried that he's the same person, unless given reason to believe otherwise.

Make sure she remembers what this guy was like before, and keep a close eye on things. I don't mean literally watching them when they go places, but be careful to look for warning signs of renewed abuse, and if things go south, be sure that your friend doesn't just let it happen.

Edit: Wait wait wait, this is your girlfriend. Give me a minute to fix what I said.

Well, okay, pretty much the same. Just drop my belief that she has romantic feelings for him (although as you stated, that might become the case). My suggestions are the same, just instead within the context of a friendship between the two.

[Mr. Mud]

Draco I agree with it potentially being with her if she's going to be falling over other guys bit, but at the same time, she's still been moderately loyal. Not all the time, but meh. Everything is fine (I hope) right now, and that's what matter's at the end of the day... literally, the end of the day .

Alter: That's almost exactly what I'm planning on doing... I dunno. I just get a bad feeling when my girlfriend hangs out with other guys alone, that have used her in the past... as they're the sort of guy that might "talk a girl into something". But her associating herself with people that were so mean to her (and me, in other cases) bothers me, as it's just a cry for attention.

My brother put it very well... "Girls. Love. Jerks."

[xPANCAKEx]

Felixaarararararararararaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrmihearty

keep them. Do not pawn them. Even if you feel uncomfortable using them yourself, your potential future generations would be happy to recieve a family heirloom like that.

if you 'have' to sell them, make sure its to a proper jeweler - you'll get a better price.

Mr Mud

if she wants to be friends with the guy, you've just got to let it be regardless of your own feelings towards him. You don't have to be friendly with him, but you do have to be civil. If she asks what your problem is with the guy, simply state "well, he's treated you like crud in the past, and if im honest i don't think i trust him not to do it again... but its your call".

The key factor is its her decision to make, and just be sure to hold her accountable for it. Hes not treating her like muck again yet - and hopefully never will - so you'll just have to let it slide. Any attempts to persuade her away from him could prove counter productive (i think we're all well aware of the social phenominon of people rebelling against good advice as they 'know better'), and infact provide her an incentive to do so - in this case: to prove you wrong.

one thing i have to ask - after all your repeated posts about your girlfriends errartic behavior, is have you ever seriously consindered how much of it you'll tollerate before the happiness her companionship provides outweighs the unhappiness her behavior creates. I'd take some time to SERIOUSLY consider that, if only for your own well being. And its an issue i'd advise you to be extremely selfish over.

My own reaction to her behavior would have been to chuck her a long time ago - from everything you've previously said about her, i don't think my faith in her would be at a level high enough to continue a relationship by this point. Nothing wrong with being single when the person you're with just isn't making you happy enough. Saying "she usually makes me happy" or something to that effection just wouldn't cut it for me. But everyone has their own boundries

[Mr. Mud]

one thing i have to ask - after all your repeated posts about your girlfriends errartic behavior, is have you ever seriously consindered how much of it you'll tollerate before the happiness her companionship provides outweighs the unhappiness her behavior creates. I'd take some time to SERIOUSLY consider that, if only for your own well being. And its an issue i'd advise you to be extremely selfish over.

My own reaction to her behavior would have been to chuck her a long time ago - from everything you've previously said about her, i don't think my faith in her would be at a level high enough to continue a relationship by this point. Nothing wrong with being single when the person you're with just isn't making you happy enough. Saying "she usually makes me happy" or something to that effection just wouldn't cut it for me. But everyone has their own boundries

I mean, it's the best thing in my life 80% of time (percentages of course, are strictly metaphoric ), but when it rains, it pours... I see myself being with her for the long run. That sounds naive and childish, but I do...

And I don't want to be without her... I don't want to see her with someone else... I don't want to see me with someone else... I don't want to let go .

[xPANCAKEx]

I mean, it's the best thing in my life 80% of time (percentages of course, are strictly metaphoric ), but when it rains, it pours... I see myself being with her for the long run. That sounds naive and childish, but I do...

And I don't want to be without her... I don't want to see her with someone else... I don't want to see me with someone else... I don't want to let go .

a fair answer - one that i could but won't be critical of, as we each have to make our own choices, and you seem to be conscious of your own

one other question i will ask though - do you honestly believe her behavior towards you will ever change?

[Mr. Mud]

a fair answer - one that i could but won't be critical of, as we each have to make our own choices, and you seem to be conscious of your own

That was critical in and of itself...

one other question i will ask though - do you honestly believe her behavior towards you will ever change?

Yes; as it has before. In the beginning it she was loyal, loving, etc. Of late, she's been a bit of the opposite... but I can feel her changing... maybe for the better, maybe for the worse.

[Klose_the_Sith]

My brother put it very well... "Girls. Love. Jerks."

Some girls? Yes.

Others? Not so much.

*Runs off in search of his girlfriend*

[snoopy13a]

My brother put it very well... "Girls. Love. Jerks."

Girls like self-confidence. It just happens that many self-confident men are jerks. The stereotypical "nice guy" is not self-confident which is why he loses girls to the self-confident jerk.

The key isn't to be a jerk, it is to be self-confident. Instead of being a just a "nice guy", be a "great guy". Great guys are nice and self-confident meaning that people enjoy hanging out with them.

[MethosH]

This may sound like a weird question... But was anyone kicked out of the bed and send to sleep on the couch? I'm asking cuz that just happen to me like 20 minutes ago

[xPANCAKEx]

This may sound like a weird question... But was anyone kicked out of the bed and send to sleep on the couch? I'm asking cuz that just happen to me like 20 minutes ago

what did you do?

[MethosH]

what did you do?

Well... Long story short..
I came to visit this friend-with-benefits this weekend, and I got here Friday but she was working. Since she was working I went to have lunch with a friend of mine that also lives here (a female friend) and I just told her about it and she got jealous and mad for me not telling her about it friday and kicked me out of the bed

[Pyrian]

I thought the whole point of having a "Friend With Benefits" as opposed to a relationship was to side-step jealousy issues?

[Coidzor]

...Bizarre.

[xPANCAKEx]

If she didn't ask you what you'd been doing you were under no requirement to inform her

if shes getting jealous... well there may be more at hands here than her just wanting a hump-buddy. Its a cliche, i know, but theres a reason such things became cliche in the first place

[Dragon555]

So, I have a question that I've been attempting to figure out for a while now. What is considered flirting? Is it a set of signals and comments? What kind? How do you express interest in another person? A little more tricky, because of the subjectivity, but how do you recognize that you're being flirted with (especially when men have a tendency to assume something is more sexual in nature than is reasonable)?

While I've been attracted to people before and asked people out, I now find myself in a position where I would like to be able to flirt. I just don't have a clue how. Any tips, from any perspective, would be greatly appreciated.

[xPANCAKEx]

Dragon555

it is a subjective answer... assuming you're a heterosexual male (correct me if im wrong), i'd first like to know how you are with women normally. How is your tone of conversation/body language?

flirting (especially body language) isn't about being more sexual neccessarily, and you sometimes have to tailor it to the intended subject

[Dragon555]

Your assumption is correct, I'm sorry for not stating it in my prior post.

How I am with women normally... hmm. Pretty much the same way I am with men. If I have something to say, I'll say it (doesn't happen that often). I prefer to listen to other people talk. I enjoy watching how other people act and react during conversations; reading people is kind of a game. I avoid arguing with people probably more than I should but I think I know the reason behind that.

I'm really trying hard to think of how I act differently around people I'm attracted to in the slightest... but I can't think of anything. This is where my perception of me fails. I really wish I knew what my body language was like as well because I have absolutely no clue.

[xPANCAKEx]

well firstly you can consider how you could switch from being passive to more assertive in the situation: it can be as subtle or as bold as you like - im sure a few people here can offer advice, my self included. As you're "starting out" (for lack of a better phrase) with the whole concept of flirting: bare in mind that teasing can often produce a better response than a kind word.

but are you look for advice on social flirting (talkings/body language) or physical flirting (body language again/physical contact) as they are two very seperate things

as much of a cliche as it is, if you can jokingly dish out a mild insult to someone while you've got your arm wrapped around them sometimes it can yield great results... especially when they know your opinion of them is too the contrary

[Ishmael]

So I have a problem...

I just started dating this awesome, sweet, cute boy a few weeks ago, and we've progressed beyond the initial getting-to-know-you phase, and we both consider ourselves as 'dating'. The biggest problem is that he's in High School, and has really strict, overbearing, overprotective parents. His curfew is like crazy early. And this restricts how much time we can spend together--well, it's like a huge barrier, on top of his normal busy schedule. I wish we could spend some more time together during the week, hanging out and just being together, but it doesn't really work with the fact that a) being a High Schooler, he lives under his parent's roof and b)he's closeted to his parents, so they can't know he's dating me. And c) he can't come visit me during the week, because of the High School thing--and the lack of a car.

And since he lives about 20 minutes away from me, via the subway, things are already sort of difficult. Not like long-distance or anything, but annoying. If I had a car, things would be far easier :(.

I'm just not sure what to do here. I want to be able to see him more often, and date more freely, without having to deal with such restrictive guidelines. His curfew on a FRIDAY NIGHT is 10:00! But I'm not sure of what to do...

[Coidzor]

Well, I mean, I don't think you have much you can do other than use planning and remembering not to be too devastated if a get together here or there has to be scrapped.

...Hopefully he's over the age of consent in your area...

I mean... that's pretty much his circumstances right now and you'll just have to be patient or move on to something more casual or move on entirely, really. I can't see or think of any venues of actions you can take to change the overall situation.

[toddex]

So if you read my other post you'll know that I thought I was stuck in the 'friend' zone with a girl I was into. This girl who isnt a gamer or a geek at all hung out with me and my buddies and actually enjoyed herself and asked me if she could play D&D. Things were good.


FAST FORWARD! She invites me to a random bar where her friends, who are in a band, are playing a show. Im not a bar person, matter of fact im not an alcohol person either. Im supposed to be at this place for 10pm. I get there at 10 she and her friends arent there yet, so I give her a call she says they'll be there in a few. Like I said im not a bar fan.... So I end up walking around the area and sitting on a bench in front of the bar for about an hour and a half. Till I notice through a window that the girl and her friends are there in the bar. So somehow i missed them going in and have been walking around outside for nothing. I walk inside meet up with them and say hey. I asked them how long theyve been there and they tell me an hour or so. I feel like an ultra idiot now.

Her and her friends by this point obviously have had a few drinks in them. Another thing about me, im a man bound by a strict code my friends and I follow, some of us follow anyway. I dont take advantage of drunk chicks, just isnt my thing. Anyway I order a soda and sit down her and her friends disappear and get more drinks. The girl im into is pretty much ignoring me, i really think nothing of it because im sure ive invaded some sort of hang out with her friends. The band starts to play again and the ladies get up and start dancing. Remember how I said im not a bar guy and I dont drink... well im also a geek... So my insecurities and somewhat anti social tendencies are starting to creep up on me. Im get that feeling like "RUN LIKE **** GET THE **** OUT OF HERE" but im fighting it back.

Well I notice the girl im in to is noticeably drunk and is moving that amazing body around like a pro and is also getting closer.... One of my greatest fears is being in one of those stories that starts with "I was so drunk I cant believe i did that..." So I hit the eject button and get the **** out of there.
The next morning I feel bad so I leave a message saying pretty much "Hey hows it going! If you have some free time I was wondering if we could meet up and talk, seeya."

I have yet to get a call back, its been two days. One of my friends advised me to not say anything about insecurities or anything like that and just make something up. Another advised me to just go into radio silence for like two weeks and see what happens.

Im 100% confused but im sort of sure this ship has burned and sunk....

[Dragon555]

xPANCAKEx
While physical flirting and social flirting may be different things with different purposes, I'd be interested in both.

I've never been good at the physical contact thing. I always assume people have a bubble and leave it at that (except for family and close friends).

I suppose my fear with the "mild insult" approach is that I'd go too far and be seen as a jerk. I suppose that's where body language comes in, mmm?

[Turnips]

Not a "relationship" issue as such, as this is just about a friend. But I think I feel it's appropriate to post it here.

So I recently started playing World of Warcraft. I know what you're thinking, but no, that's not the source of my problems Merely the setting. My friend is a long-time WoW player who quit for a while, but was getting back into it and cajoled me into giving it a shot. So I bought the game, only my friend was broke, so I lent her the money to renew her subscription. All was well, we were playing and having a blast.

Then, she told me how she's got this awesome uber level 80 character on another server. (we are playing on her old server, but she transferred away to the server her ex-BF played on. She quit WoW when they broke up) She had problems (with PayPal, etc.) paying the character transfer fee to get her level 80 moved to our server, so I just paid for the transfer myself. Woo! We now had a level 80 character with tons of gold and access to high-level loot.

I should mention at this point that we only know eachother over the internet (we're on opposite sides of the world) although we do talk over voice/video. In WoW, we also used this "recruit a friend" thing that gives us nice perks like bonus experience when we group together.

So things were pretty good. We were leveling and having fun as usual. Slowly, though, she started playing her old level 80 more and more and playing with me less and less. Fair enough, I thought, she got her awesome character back and wanted to play on that one for a while. Now, we spend maybe a couple hours a week actually playing TOGETHER, while she's usually off doing raids (high level dungeon things, I'm told) with all the level 80 players in her guild. (of which I am not a member) My highest character is below level 50, so needless to say I'm left out of everything they do. I basically feel like I've been kicked to the curb now that she doesn't need me anymore. I don't know the game well enough to play on my own, so I've more or less stopped playing It's probably for the best, as I've heard these games can get pretty addictive. I'm just disappointed I've more or less lost my friend to this game. We hardly even talk over MSN like we used to, either. (She spends between 10 and 14 hours a day playing WoW)

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm asking for in terms of advice, although just some commentary would be welcome. I just felt like typing that out so I could get it clear in my head.

[Serpentine]

Toddex: I didn't see your other post. As mentioned, I am of the opinion that the so-called "friend zone" is utter bullcrap (and subject to disagreements and misunderstandings regarding definitions). Have you actually given this girl any indication that you're interested in her? If not, that would be an excellent place to begin. Running away from her when she starts to show you some interest probably isn't so good...

Dragon: Looks, glances, touches, suggestiveness and innuendo, maybe favouritism, certain activities (such as offering massages)... I think that's the main bits of flirting. I think, if you want to try your hand at it, the best places to start are along these lines: keep [target]'s eyes longer than you would normally, and look at them more often; when talking, as emphasis, to get their attention, and so on, do little touches, on their shoulders or maybe their knee or whatever happens to be closest - just quick, could-be-accidental brushes; make suggestive comments and joking propositions (these don't have to be particularly sexual), maybe with anyone at least to start with. Urm... I think that's about all I got... Just... relax, I guess

Turnips: Friendships are relationships too. As for advice... Maybe you should organise a non-WoW time-together activity, just to affirm your friendship in a non-WoW context. Watch a movie "together" or something, and talk.

[xPANCAKEx]

Ishmael

first make sure he's over the age of concent (im guessing you are?) for the area before anything physical happens. If his parents are that strict that may 'blame' you for his sexual orrientation - accusations of you tricking him, or worse, would not be fun to deal with

second - tough cookie on this one. By the sounds of it, dating is a luxury for him, so enjoy the time you get together

3rd - 20 minutes by train? You're laughing. Thats absolutely nothing. I live in london, so the last time i dated a girl 20 minutes walk away i thought it was close. 20 minutes on the subway is nothing. If you think otherwise, please report to the local ER and get your head checked asap. Take your ipod and a book.

you'll be fine - just take it slow and easy for a while

Dragon555

those 'mild insults' really do rely on self confidence enough to back it up with a contradictory physical message. My last serious relationship, after our first ever date, walking back to the train station, i turned to her and put my hands on her waist, looked her in the eyes, BIG smile on my face and said "Im sorry, i just gotta tell you... i don't really like you. Im just keeping you distracted while my friend makes a move on your best mate". Cue: laughter, her calling me an *******, and kissing.

I don't use that example to brag. More to demonstrate a few points:
1) if they KNOW you're usually a good guy, you can get away with being a jerk in jest. A MASSIVE jerk no less. Just make sure what ever your saying has an element of humour to it.. be over the top if you have to.
2) confidence is key - tone of voice and body language make these things work. Confidence gives you the ability to put that body language into motion
3) Smiles and eye contact are good thing

re: body language. You seem to be starting from a good point here. As someone who is fairly stand-offish (for lack of a better phrase), you won't have to do too much to get the message across, especially if other people are aware of that behavior from you. If you make a change by entering that personal space (even just to brush their arm, put your hand on or around their waist, then withdraw) it will peak their interest. Physical flirting is as much about showing them you're interested as making them feel comfortable in their personal space - so take it slow, but NEVER be afraid to try. Just guage their reaction to see how receptive they are.

toddex

she asked you to join her and her friends which MAY be a good sign - although i don't know enough about her to answer that one

Call her up (it displays confidence - txting/mailing is a bit impersonal) and ask her to meet somewhere more to your suiting. If she asks you to a bar again in future though, go for it but tough it out this time. It may be new, but you'll just have to stick it out.

Turnips

Email her and ask her for some help with your character - and ask her if you could come raiding with her when you get up to near 80. That should peak her interest. Mention that you've not chatted in AGES

Also - be advised - do not give her any further cash towards the game.

[Turnips]

I would like to level up my character so I could join her on raids, but I'm lost in this game without help. Anyone who has played WoW knows that soloing is less interesting and slower than watching paint dry, and she is the only person I know in the game. I guess I could try to find other players around my level but the whole reason I bought this game was so I could play with my friend, not a bunch of strangers.

I've tried asking her for help leveling, but whenever we do she constantly complains that it's so hard at this level (45-60ish) and quits after 15-20 minutes to go play her level 80.

And no, I'm not giving her any more money. I paid for her stuff so we could play together, and that ain't happening.

Sigh. I'm becoming convinced that Warcraft is the spawn of Satan.

[Ishmael]

Yeah, I suppose things aren't really that bad. It's just frustrating to have to deal with only being able to hang out on the weekends. Blarg.

And yeah, I'm not going to to anything physical until he's 18, because as much as I'd like to say things wouldn't go badly, I don't really feel like getting labeled as a sexual predator and having my life ruined. And his parents would probably blame me for corrupting their sweet, angelic child. At the moment, that's not too big a concern, since we're taking it slowly, but it probably will become more important in the time to come.

[xPANCAKEx]

Yeah, I suppose things aren't really that bad. It's just frustrating to have to deal with only being able to hang out on the weekends. Blarg.

And yeah, I'm not going to to anything physical until he's 18, because as much as I'd like to say things wouldn't go badly, I don't really feel like getting labeled as a sexual predator and having my life ruined. And his parents would probably blame me for corrupting their sweet, angelic child. At the moment, that's not too big a concern, since we're taking it slowly, but it probably will become more important in the time to come.

how old are you, and how old is he?

[Silfir]

Is it 17 and 19? Also known as "perfectly legal and normal in Germany and a lot of other countries"?