Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Dvil]

Hey guys. This is only my second post here, but I've been lurking for quite a while, and I figured that since I'm now registered I may as well make use of the forum to seek advice. So here it is:

There's this girl who's recently started at my school (let's call her Gladys, for anonymity), and I like her. A lot (in fact, more than I initially realised). Now, normally I'd just ask her out, but I've realised that I like her a little too much to want to risk it through mis-timing the big ask.
We're already pretty good friends, and we've been texting and stuff for a while, but I don't know whether I should ask now or wait. A little history: a few days ago we were walking to the bus stop together from school, with another two of my friends. Now, I'm not the most observant of people, but one of these friends (a girl, if it makes any difference) later told me via msn that maybe 'Gladys' was showing signs of maybe liking me back. So, I kept my eyes out and my mind open.
However, today, I asked about her boyfriend situation, just in case she's already taken. However, it turns out she's single, but fancies (for Americans: has a crush on) another guy, also at the school, but hasn't spoken to him since august and doesn't have any contact information. In the interests of friendliness, I've been encouraging her, but this is what I want to know: would it be better to ask soon, in case they end up going out and I miss my chance, or should I wait, so that if it doesn't work between them I can ask when she's not distracted by another guy?
So you know, I'm happy with our friendship, so I won't mind seeing them together, but it would still be a lot nicer to go out with her myself!

We've already got plans to go to a concert together in October, and we have a theatre nearby that does stand-up comedy regularly, that I could maybe interest her in.

I'll be following this thread, but PM responces would be preferable, as they'll obviously be easier for me to find.

[Coidzor]

Well, you've obviously worked out how much she actually likes this guy and whether she's really going to act on it or not.

If she is going to act on it and you ask her out right after you told her to ask him out. ...Which was kinda silly of you to do if that's how you did it considering your own interest... Well, that's definitely not the best way to hit her with it.

If she's probably not going to act on it and it's just an idle crush, then it's probably best to confirm that and then act.

[Dvil]

Well yes, it was stupid of me to do so (and that's pretty much what I did, tell her to ask him out). She may not, but this is exactly why I want advice: to dig myself out of this hole. They don't know each other all that well, so maybe it will come to nothing, and as I've said, I have stand-up to interest her with.
From you post, Coidzor, should I imply that you believe my best bet would be to hope it is just an idle crush, but be prepared to deal with the irony of accidentally hooking her up with someone else?

[xPANCAKEx]

This is why i never ask to much about the people im persuing's love lives... occasionally i make a bit of a tit of myself when they turn out to be not-so-single, but thats nothing to be ashamed about

if YOU like the girl, then ask her for a night out - don't worry if she likes the other guy. She may have mentioned him, but shes hardly likely to casually mention in passing an interest in you if she has one

Alternatively, get your female friend to talk to gladys and do some digging for you

[Dvil]

Well, we're already going to a concert together, but I don't really like the band (guess why I'm going ), so I'm worried that might affect my enthusiasm (the not liking the band, that is). I could ask the friend, but they don't really know each other currently, so if I introduce them, and then the friend starts asking about interest in me etc. then I'm worried suspicions may be raised. Paranoia, or not?

[Dallas-Dakota]

Well, forcing yourself to open up generally helps erode the shyness.

That's what I did.
It was a big step for me, being very social and such to pretty much most people. At introduction week(the week before this week) I pretty much sat down/talked with most people.

I got as several things there. : Paparazzi(You really shouldn't hand me a camera unless you're prepared to be shot(with a camera)) , that dude that sits down with random people, social dude and some others. Oh yeah, Rapalje dude.

I don't really care that much about the oppinion of random strangers.

She was that then. >.>

Aargh.

How do you get past extreme shy-ness/insecurity/fear of opening up?
In a other way then forcing it? >.> If there even is that....
I'm just too shy to ask her out/tell her I like her.

[hawkboy772042]

That's what I did.
It was a big step for me, being very social and such to pretty much most people. At introduction week(the week before this week) I pretty much sat down/talked with most people.

I got as several things there. : Paparazzi(You really shouldn't hand me a camera unless you're prepared to be shot(with a camera)) , that dude that sits down with random people, social dude and some others. Oh yeah, Rapalje dude.

I don't really care that much about the oppinion of random strangers.

She was that then. >.>

Aargh.

How do you get past extreme shy-ness/insecurity/fear of opening up?
In a other way then forcing it? >.> If there even is that....
I'm just too shy to ask her out/tell her I like her.

I started doing it by just hanging with more sociable people and going out partying. I'm still not much of a party guy, but I have gotten more confidence because of it and I almost automatically go flirt with girls and get their numbers. (Albeit with occasional relationship problems here and there)

The answer is easier said than done, but really you just need to build self-confidence. This can be done in a multitude of ways like excersizing, working, or perfecting what you're into. Also, just try something new. e.g. I ended taking a yoga class once and I met loads of girls there since it was the majority of the class, which was really good considering that I was a computer science major with very few girls in my classes.

[Serpentine]

Forget the other guy. Just ask her out *shrug* You could even incorporate the other guy into it somehow. Maybe something like: "..." Turns out I got nothin'. But something'. BUT! Make sure it's to something specific! "Hey, would you like to go to [Movie] and dinner somewhere, maybe [Restaurant] with me on [Day]?" Add "as a date" if you feel it's necessary.

[Moonshadow]

...so it turns out that her asking for a break so she can think was just a lie so that she doesn't have to hurt me more by telling me that she's not coming back.

Apparantly I was too serious for her. I just can't freaking win these days.


Emo has been replaced by anger. If she expects me to stay friends after she's lied to me like this, she has a harrrrrrd lesson in store for her.

[skywalker]

Hello RW&A,

Long time no see, eh? Well, you see, I can explain that. I was in the midst of a break up, and, no offense, I didn't come here for advice. I just didn't get around to it. I didn't feel qualified, during that period, to advise others.

So I've come back now, because I'm out of that relationship, and may be starting a new one. I have some related woes, any advice or comments of any sort would be welcome. Spoilered for... privacy and for those who don't want to read it.

Jack_Squat:Jack, I have no idea if you ever come in this thread. If you do, please don't click on the spoiler. Just skip right over this post. It will be better for all parties, less embarrassment, etc.

Spoiler

Show

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago. We've been hanging out as part of a student organization that we're both active in. Last night we went to a party with a friend and spent most of the party talking to each other. We have a lot in common, and we seem to be very compatible. She was pretty touchy and flirtatious before I had to handle getting my drunk friend home. So far, so good, right?

Well, tonight we decided to hang out, just the two of us. I went to her apartment to pick her up, and then we decided to just stay there. We talked for a while, and then decided to watch TV. Conveniently, her living room TV doesn't work, and we would have to watch in her bedroom. While we were watching, we eventually started making out. This girl kept escalating what was going on. However, at one point, she stopped and decided that she felt very guilty about all this happening, because she didn't feel like she knew me. She was still content, however, to cuddle half-naked in her bed. We realized she's more attached to the traditional relationship pathway than she thought, so I'm going to take her out to dinner on Monday as a "real" first date.

Now, I feel kinda guilty too. I'd like some input here especially, because this girl was all over me last night, as well as tonight. Then, she led me into her bedroom and initiated everything that happened, and never said "stop" or "I'm not comfortable," even after I told her she should if she did. Am I in the wrong here at all?

Thanks for reading, for those of you who did, and comments are appreciated.

[Arutema]

It's been 8 months since i realized my GF was just using me and broke up with her.

I haven't met anyone new. I haven't moved on. I don't know how.

And the way she abused me trust leaves me wondering if I can truly trust anyone now.

[Serpentine]

Skywalker: Eh? Why should you? Signals were there, she initiated it, and when she said "stop", you did. She's obviously happy to see you again. No big deal.

[Dvil]

You could even incorporate the other guy into it somehow. Maybe something like: "..." Turns out I got nothin'. But something'.

Oh good; I was hoping you or Syka might turn up. This seems an interesting idea, and I can't think of anything that might work like that either. Anyone else got any suggestions?

[xPANCAKEx]

skywalker

nope
nothing wrong in the slightest
nothing at all

carry on!

[Dragonrider]

A guy in one of my classes asked me to a movie with him over Facebook and I said I didn't know what I was doing today but that I might. So now I know I'm not really doing anything (except homework), but I don't really want to go...I don't know the guy very well and I don't know whether it's a date or what. I don't know that I'm comfortable with it at least until I know him better. He said he'd call. So....what should I say?

[CrimsonAngel]

Huh, that was fast. We go out for a day then she breaks up with me in a text. Bummer.

[Keld Denar]

Touchee subject there DeeRee...You can't really say you aren't interested in that movie, because he might suggest a different one. You shouldn't tell him you are busy, cause lying is bad (and he might find out, which is worse).

I dunno, I guess my advice would be, go, but be a little guarded. Find out more about this guy. Who knows, you might like him afterall! And if you don't, be frank about it. Say you just don't feel "it" with him, or, if you aren't interested in "seeing" someone, say so (but only if you mean it).

I mean, seriously, what could it hurt? Worst case, its a free movie, and an interesting experience. Best case, he could be a really great guy? A good friend? More?

If you are uncomfortable with the idea that he might think its a date, ask if you can bring a friend or 3? Turn it into a social event. Spend some time on either end of the movie to get to know him, and if you don't feel comfortable, you have the refuge of your friends nearby. Plus, you could get an objective opinion of him and what his attitude is toward you from them as well. Thats something that is hard to assess yourself while out. You can bring it up easily too. When he calls and asks, say "Oh, I was talking to so-and-so about that movie today, s/he's really excited to see it! Mind if she comes too?" Be sure to talk to the person before you volunteer them though :P

Anyway, good luck!

PS: Skywalker - ha ha ha awesome man! Make-outs are awesome. Don't feel bad, at least you remember making out with her! It could be worse!

[Thatguyoverther]

A guy in one of my classes asked me to a movie with him over Facebook and I said I didn't know what I was doing today but that I might. So now I know I'm not really doing anything (except homework), but I don't really want to go...I don't know the guy very well and I don't know whether it's a date or what. I don't know that I'm comfortable with it at least until I know him better. He said he'd call. So....what should I say?

Just tell him the truth. If you think you might be interested come up with counter proposal like coffee or lunch.

[Dragonrider]

I was thinking maybe I'd pull the homework excuse...which is actually pretty legitimate...my great-uncle died yesterday and I couldn't concentrate at ALL. So I got some reading done but nothing that involved output or overt work.

It's not exactly that I'm not interested, more that the idea of a date-type situation stresses me out, and I'm not sure I feel like going anywhere today. Also I don't know him very well (beyond a couple conversations outside of class) - he seems really nice but I just am not sure about it. So I think maybe I'll just tell him "not today", and give the explanation above (provided it doesn't sound too guilt-trippy - "my uncle died, feel bad for me" ).

[Coidzor]

Spoiler

Show

I met this girl a couple of weeks ago. We've been hanging out as part of a student organization that we're both active in. Last night we went to a party with a friend and spent most of the party talking to each other. We have a lot in common, and we seem to be very compatible. She was pretty touchy and flirtatious before I had to handle getting my drunk friend home. So far, so good, right?

Well, tonight we decided to hang out, just the two of us. I went to her apartment to pick her up, and then we decided to just stay there. We talked for a while, and then decided to watch TV. Conveniently, her living room TV doesn't work, and we would have to watch in her bedroom. While we were watching, we eventually started making out. This girl kept escalating what was going on. However, at one point, she stopped and decided that she felt very guilty about all this happening, because she didn't feel like she knew me. She was still content, however, to cuddle half-naked in her bed. We realized she's more attached to the traditional relationship pathway than she thought, so I'm going to take her out to dinner on Monday as a "real" first date.

Now, I feel kinda guilty too. I'd like some input here especially, because this girl was all over me last night, as well as tonight. Then, she led me into her bedroom and initiated everything that happened, and never said "stop" or "I'm not comfortable," even after I told her she should if she did. Am I in the wrong here at all?

Thanks for reading, for those of you who did, and comments are appreciated.

You haven't been summoned to the university or been taken downtown for questioning. So, as far as I can tell, there's not even the semblance of wrong doing. Especially since you got to see her mostly unclothed and are taking her out on a date.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Weeeeeh.
Just close up the attraction within, ignore it. And everything will go away.

And in the end, I know I'l regret doing nothing. Yet I do nothing, anyway...

[Coidzor]

DD, you need a friend who can harass you over the phone so you can't chicken out.

Sadly, I cannot. International calls are murder. And I don't think either of us would be comfortable with that situation or the language barrier.

Your genes demand you propagate, after all.

[Pyrian]

A guy in one of my classes asked me to a movie with him over Facebook and I said I didn't know what I was doing today but that I might. So now I know I'm not really doing anything (except homework), but I don't really want to go...I don't know the guy very well and I don't know whether it's a date or what. I don't know that I'm comfortable with it at least until I know him better. He said he'd call. So....what should I say?

Wow, DeeRee. If I'm not mistaken, we're looking square at the opposite side of something like half of the requests for advice, here in this thread. Do you mind if I link to this post every time someone posts asking something like "I asked her out she said maybe oh geez what does that mean?"

Ahem.

Here's the thing. He doesn't know you very well, either, and quite possibly isn't terribly clear on whether you'd take it as a date or not. (Alternatively, you might find he invited almost every single person in the College and would be mystified if you described it as such.) I'd recommend you give it a chance and, y'know, get to know him better, which is kind of the point. I mean, I totally sympathize with wanting to know someone better before starting a relationship, I do that too, but "I don't want to get to know him better because I don't know him well enough" is a circular logic trap.

[xPANCAKEx]

DeeRee

maybe hes asking you out just for a friendly evening out

the best way to play it is if he calls, ask him who else is going - that way it makes it seem like you think its just a friendly thing from the get go. If he says/infers that its actually a date, then tell him you're not sure you want to get into anything at the moment - but hey an evening out can't hurt.

He may turn out to be something that changes your mind, and if not, then hey, its a night out and you've got a friend.

[Dragonrider]

Wow, DeeRee. If I'm not mistaken, we're looking square at the opposite side of something like half of the requests for advice, here in this thread. Do you mind if I link to this post every time someone posts asking something like "I asked her out she said maybe oh geez what does that mean?"

The irony does not escape me. And...feel free.


It's not necessarily that I'm not interested in hanging out with him or even a movie SOMETIME, but I don't have the mental fortitude at the moment...the weekend has been emotionally traumatic. And not knowing if it's a date situation or not makes it even more stressful. So I sent him a message saying not today but maybe another time.

I know.... This is what you guys complain about, isn't it? Mixed messages? I'm trying not to do that, really.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Hey, Dragona, atleast you're getting asked out!

What I wouldn't give for a girl who would ask me out. *sigh*

[xPANCAKEx]

Hey, Dragona, atleast you're getting asked out!

What I wouldn't give for a girl who would ask me out. *sigh*

wishful thinking rarely works. Being pro-active has a much higher success rate... that fact alone should be more than enough motivation

[Pyrian]

Sorry about your loss, DeeRee.

I have to say, "not now maybe another time" is something I take at face value from an established friend and as a straight "no thank you" from anybody else. (It seems to me that mixed messages almost invariably conceal basic disinterest.) Proposing an alternative schedule is much more pro-active and will reassure the other person that you actually meant "another time" rather than making an excuse.

[SMEE]

I agree with Pyrian, DeeRee.

Next time, when you have some interest, propose a later date rather than just saying "another time". This will let you prepare yourself for the activity at hand.

Also, since you're at college, I suggest you to find some homosexual man who can be your "gay friend".
Sometimes guys won't be nice at all, and while your roommate and friends will do all they can to comfort you, the gay friend will be able to offer comfort and advise they will not. It's most helpful.

I'd know. I was the "gay friend" to many girls during college.

[Keld Denar]

Proposing an alternative schedule is much more pro-active and will reassure the other person that you actually meant "another time" rather than making an excuse.

The man with the hat speaks the truth. I've gotten "maybe we'll hang out some other time" followed by complete ignoring of any further attempts to contact (actually doesn't bother me anymore, yay self-confidence). If you've already turned him down with an indefinite reschedule, the ball is pretty much in your court. Unless he's totally oblivious or rather immature, I'd say its probably pretty unlikely that he'll contact you again. If you DO want to hang out sometime, send him a text in a couple days or a week asking if he's still up for something, and suggest something on your terms thats less "date-like", like hanging out with your friends or something. You hold the power at this point, do with it what you will.

DD, can you dance? I can't, but have recently discovered the wild world of blues dancing. Holy crap those girls dance dirty. I love it. You don't really have to do much of anything either, its great! That might be something to get you meeting some available ladies!