Relationship Woes and Advice: A Sleepless Fortnight

[Superglucose]

If you're not doing it already, just talk to women as if they were a friend, not someone you're persuing and you'll come across more relaxed

That's pretty much all I do. And then I get that delicious line that everyone wants to stab themselves when they hear:

"I think of you as a friend." AAAUUUUUUGH!

[xPANCAKEx]

theres a fine line between "talking to them like a friend" and treating them like a friend - the latter usually leads to the line

[Coidzor]

"I think of you as a friend." AAAUUUUUUGH!

Least it's not "brother." That just makes one want to wallop them upside the head, and everyone in the vicinity, with a rubber chicken for the sheer nonsense of it.

More forward without seeming desperate, maybe? hm.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I prefer to give the advice: Think of them as a fun possible friend first, just have fun, flirt a bit.

But yeah that feeling of AUUUUUGH because of that line has hit me a many time too.

[Coidzor]

I prefer to give the advice: Think of them as a fun possible friend first, just have fun, flirt a bit.

But yeah that feeling of AUUUUUGH because of that line has hit me a many time too.

Perhaps a paradigm shift is in order then.

[Syka]

DS, I know I'm late to the party, but I wanted to chip in.

Comforting a friend is not the issue. Comforting a friend is fine. Your method was flawed, however. Comforting a friend does not require lingering physical contact. I've comforted many a friends and, beside from the occasional hug, it's never resulted in something I would term "cuddling". And, frankly, cuddling for ANY reason...alone...is pretty much a betrayal of trust.


I completely understand where she was coming from. My ex neglected to tell me he'd spent the night (apparently platonically, though later events make me wonder) with a girl in his dorm. His reasoning is they were both in LDR's and wanted the physical contact. Not cool. Very not cool. Part of that was in his not telling me, but part was just...it didn't feel like something appropriate. It's something I reserve for my SO if I'm in a relationship, and I expect the same (and they know this...there is ample opportunity to discuss boundaries). It doesn't matter that it made them 'feel' better, because it made me (his girlfriend) feel like crap.

So when you suddenly do this with someone else- comfort or no, but particularly with someone where feelings have been previously involved- it comes off as just bad.

I know your intentions were good, but you have got to understand it from your SO's position. I'm glad she understood your position as well.

[xPANCAKEx]

i would disagree that cuddling alone is a betrayal of trust - just depends on the time and place. having a cuddle and a chat while cheering someone up isnt so bad... but cuddling someone till they fall asleep is a pretty intimate act in anyones books

its all a grey area, so you just have to ask yourself where do you and your partners boundries lie?

[Superglucose]

I 'gree more with Pancake than you syka. Cuddling is like hugging... if I hug say my best friend's girlfriend it's a way of saying "hi." A hug can come in many forms from friendly, forced, and politic to sexual and arousing. Same even with kissing.

I mean if one of my lady friends were to have something terrible happen to them and I went over to comfort them, I would probably hold them a bit in a style that could be considered cuddling. If I were dating someone at the time I'd probably a) let them know I was going over to said friend's house and b) give a detailed report of what happened because transparency helps the issue a lot.

Where the story crossed the line imo wasn't cuddling, but cuddling in bed until one of them fell asleep. I'm sure most people here have held someone on a couch to comfort them while they were crying or whatever and had them fall asleep, so it's not even the "asleep" part alone since that can happen quite by accident.

[Odentin]

It seems it really isn't any one thing that was the line- crosser, it was the whole combination and situation.

Though none of us can say for sure, because none of us (I assume) is DS's girlfriend.

Besides, the situation has been settled, for now. I'm sure DS will bring it up if anything else happens...

[Coidzor]

So, where do you begin in dealing with someone upset because their parent just told them to go kill themselves?

[Serpentine]

"Get new parents"?
How old are they?

[Coidzor]

"Get new parents"?
How old are they?

Hm. I think 19 and living with her mother while going to community college. Mother apparently randomly flips out with the verbal abuse without drug-use or any kind of apparent trigger.

My theory is bipolar disorder or rampant sexual frustration.

I just find myself at a loss as to how to talk to people experiencing melancholy of that nature.

[Odentin]

That's a tough one. Step one is to help her get the **** out of that house. I'm assuming this isn't the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last. So she needs to get away. Staying with her mother is going to do more harm than good.
I know how difficult it can be to start living on your own. It's doable, though. Perhaps her school can help her with housing? No matter what, she needs to get away from her mother...

[Moonshadow]

So I'm having a bit of an attack of the low self esteem at the moment

Girlfriend and I are wanting arrange a holiday for a few days, well, a couple actually. We want to do a road trip and also go somewhere by train. She wants me to pick one, and she'll pick the other, that kinda of thing.

Problem is, I have no idea where to go. I've tried thinking of things I'd like to do, and then finding a place with those, but the problem is, I have nothing

Unlike my girlfriend, who always has something interesting to do, whether it be Scouts or baking things for a vegan baking competition or going away with family to see extended family and stopping at all the little country towns on the way back, she always has something interesting to do. I just don't have anything. I just feel really boring and dull and stupid

I ended up comparing her to Penny from Big Bang Theory, while I'm Leonard. She's the cool, pretty, interesting girl, while I'm the dorky nerd type who can't talk to women

I just feel a bit crap right now

[Lioness]

So I'm having a bit of an attack of the low self esteem at the moment

Girlfriend and I are wanting arrange a holiday for a few days, well, a couple actually. We want to do a road trip and also go somewhere by train. She wants me to pick one, and she'll pick the other, that kinda of thing.

Problem is, I have no idea where to go. I've tried thinking of things I'd like to do, and then finding a place with those, but the problem is, I have nothing

Unlike my girlfriend, who always has something interesting to do, whether it be Scouts or baking things for a vegan baking competition or going away with family to see extended family and stopping at all the little country towns on the way back, she always has something interesting to do. I just don't have anything. I just feel really boring and dull and stupid

I ended up comparing her to Penny from Big Bang Theory, while I'm Leonard. She's the cool, pretty, interesting girl, while I'm the dorky nerd type who can't talk to women

I just feel a bit crap right now

Perhaps try picking somewhere that you'd like to go and you know she'd enjoy. Secluded B&B in the mountains? Somewhere you can play mini golf until your arms fall off? Pick something bizzare, but cool, or romantic.

[Serpentine]

Silly boy, just gotta do some research. Road/tracktrippin' round Victoria, huh? Well, going along the Great Ocean Road is an obvious option. Quite spectacular, I recommend it.
Or you could look up a bunch of movies, and do a movie trip. Off the top of my head, Road to Nhil is set around, obviously, Nhil (way out to the west), Strange Bedfellows was filmed in Yackandanda (or was it Tangambalanga? Pretty sure it was Yack, or maybe Kiewa), and Ned Kelly was filmed in various places. I'm sure there's more.
I seem to recall Swan Hill being nice.
You could go stay at the Tallangatta Caravan Park (while you're there, check on my old house for me, would you? It's due south of the boat ramp), and go for a walk over the lookout.
You could go west to Kaniva and... uh... keep going west to Bordertown to see their albino kangaroos?
Up towards Tallangatta again, go see the Ettamogah Pub and Sanctuary.
If there's any snow, you could go into the mountains.
The Grampians are nice.
Uh... That's about all I can think of right now. But anyways, it's just a research thing. Don't get down about it

[Moonshadow]

Problem is, I don't really know what I like, at least, not things that I can do with people. I'm not exactly a very outgoing person, my idea of a good time on weekends is a sleep in, and they laying around playing games or reading all day, and doing chores and stuff. I'm really quite easily amused, I don't need fancy things in order to be happy.

I'm more than happy to do whatever my girlfriend wants. I realise that this makes me sound a little whipped, but I'm really pretty easy going when it comes to things. I'm more than happy just to be with her, no matter what we're doing.

It's just that when the time comes for me to pick things to do, I fall to pieces

[Serpentine]

See above (in case you missed it). I think the Great Ocean Road could be best for a nice leisurely trip.
For fun, I could dig up the original newspaper reports about a famous shipwreck down there, of which you can still see the landing site of the only two survivers, which was also the inspiration for a book I've read.

[Moonshadow]

Silly boy, just gotta do some research. Road/tracktrippin' round Victoria, huh? Well, going along the Great Ocean Road is an obvious option. Quite spectacular, I recommend it.
Or you could look up a bunch of movies, and do a movie trip. Off the top of my head, Road to Nhil is set around, obviously, Nhil (way out to the west), Strange Bedfellows was filmed in Yackandanda (or was it Tangambalanga? Pretty sure it was Yack, or maybe Kiewa), and Ned Kelly was filmed in various places. I'm sure there's more.
I seem to recall Swan Hill being nice.
You could go stay at the Tallangatta Caravan Park (while you're there, check on my old house for me, would you? It's due south of the boat ramp), and go for a walk over the lookout.
You could go west to Kaniva and... uh... keep going west to Bordertown to see their albino kangaroos?
Up towards Tallangatta again, go see the Ettamogah Pub and Sanctuary.
If there's any snow, you could go into the mountains.
The Grampians are nice.
Uh... That's about all I can think of right now. But anyways, it's just a research thing. Don't get down about it

We just did the Melbourne Film Festival, so we're a bit movie'd out for the moment, and she tends not to really like movies as a general rule, unless there is something specific she wants to see, so we can't just rock up and see something.

And as for just driving in a random direction... I dunno, it just kinda feels like that there should be an end destination with an end goal, else it just seems kinda pointless, especially when she's the one doing all the driving, and probably ending up paying for everything because she insists on paying for everything because she has so much money.

I just wish I could say, 'oh, I like x, lets go to y because they have festival/show/museum/whatever about x'

The problem is, I don't have any x's to do that with

[Tiger Duck]

You sound a lot like me, I to am very easily amused, and don't need anything special.

But that is also a strength, you can pick anything and you'll amuse yourself, just don't pick anything that you think your girl will dislike and you'll be fine

[Serpentine]

The Great Ocean Road is iteself a destination. Here, I'll do the work for you

Follow the Great Ocean Road:



Spend the night at bed-and-breakfasts along the way. Stop at every attraction along the way, especially the Twelve Apostles, London Bridge, and the site of the wreck of the Loch Ard. Explore the cave where the only two survivors sheltered. Try to cook toasted cheese sandwiches in the middle of a rainstorm (what? It was fun).
Stop at Warnambool or Portland or as far Mt Gambier, whatever you like (suggest looking into them to see if there's anything there you're interested in). Instead of going back the way you came, turn inland.
Go up into the Grampians. Do stuff.
Go through Ballarat. I have a feeling it might have an awesome bakery or something. It's been years since I've been there. Sure you'll find something there, anyway.
Head back home.

By the way, I wasn't so much thinking "watch the movies" (especially as at least one of them is pretty crappy) so much as using them to structure your trip.

[rakkoon]

Damn, now I want to go to Australia.

[Serpentine]

Victoria is quite possibly the least interesting state in Australia It's in contest with South Australia, but that one has the underground opal mine homes at Coober Pedy and Bordertown's albino kangaroos. Also I was born there.

[Vero]

Problem is, I don't really know what I like, at least, not things that I can do with people. I'm not exactly a very outgoing person, my idea of a good time on weekends is a sleep in, and they laying around playing games or reading all day, and doing chores and stuff.

I suck at decision making too.

What do you like reading? Could you take a trip to see the setting for your favorite novel, or try to "recreate" an experience from your favorite novel?

I'm a sucker for "reading while doing" and most of my holidays involve me taking a very large pile of books with me to read in the right place - I've read Room with a View in hotel in Florence, Persuasion in Bath, the works of Cicero while sat on a fallen stone in the forum in Rome, The Three Musketeers in Paris, stuff like that, all of which is an incredible buzz.

I don't know a whole lot about Australian fiction sadly, beyond rather liking Michael Faber and Paul Voermans [yes, I have very wierd taste, I know], so I can't offer too many specific suggestions for you, but it's something to think about.

What about finding somewhere running a creative writing workshop or retreat? If you enjoy reading, why not try writing? Plus, the bonus is once you've booked it they will organise your time for you, plan your days out and give you stuff to do, so no more decisions about what to do from that point on. The same would apply to any other kind of "educational" holiday, like a painting/drawing course, or learning to sail/surk/kayak, or even a wine tasting trip.

[Serpentine]

Unfortunately, most novels that might be set in Victoria are in Melbourne. The Hanging Rock of Picnic at Hanging Rock is a possibility, though.

[Skeppio]

Victoria is quite possibly the least interesting state on the face of the earth.

Fixed that for you.

Damn, now I want to go to Australia.

No, you don't. Trust me.

[Serpentine]

Quite possibly. I still think South Australia's a close contender, though.

[Moonshadow]

South Australia also has worse water!

But I guess the Great Ocean Road is worth a try, but I have to pick the train trip, not the car trip... though I guess Warnambool or maybe Ararat wouldn't be too bad.

Could always go to Sovereign Hill though >.>

[Odentin]

Or you could suggest to your girl that the ocean road is a great car trip, and ask that she plan the train thing instead. Unless she's already got something in the works, that is. ;P

[Lioness]

Serp: South Australia...interesting? I think I'm biased.

However, Naoto: How far do you want to travel? Because Kangaroo Island is pretty epic. Definitely recommended. It has penguins, awesome rocks, seals, sea lions, and honey.
Also, if you don't want to travel that far, Mt Gambier is awesome. Lots of cool caves (also, nearby, Naracoorte) and an extinct volcano.

And Ballarat does have an awesome bakery. At least it did in January 2009. It also has an awesome fish n chip shop that makes epic steak sammiches.