Relationship Woes and Advice: A Sleepless Fortnight

[MountainKing]

I think my message is being confused.

My point is that in the context of this situation, it's better to move along and only periodically wonder "Hmm, what if...?" as you move on with your life, instead of going for it, getting attached, moving away, and having -no real certainty- of any sort of commitment. To have that sort of constant doubt is a horrible threat to your sanity, your emotional well-being, and your levity, never mind your relationship.

Here's your box of salt shakers, by the way. In the interest of gently pointing it out, I think maybe you're a little gun shy about love and relationship. I'm going to stop myself right now and double check on that, because I might be confusing you with somebody else.

*time passes*

Okay, yes, you are who I thought you were. So, first off, *hugs*. Second off, *moar hugs*. Now, I'd just like to say that I completely agree and disagree with you for two reasons:

1.) Personally, I'm the same way; I wouldn't want to deal with getting attached to someone and then moving off to two separate colleges forever apart. That would suck. However, that's why people aren't saying "Get attached! Whoo! Fall in love with her right nao dude!" they're saying "Date her for a while, and see how you two feel by the time you have to leave." With that said...

2.) This is the one I disagree with you on. It's just like the song; love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and marrs. It does. It really, really does. ...but that adversity is what makes all the positive elements of love so damned worth it every stinkin' time. I don't regret having loved ANY of my past girlfriends, no matter how badly any of them hurt me.

Love might not make the world go round, but I think if more people could get into it, the world would be a better place.

[Syka]

My advice is changing given the clarification.

As others have said, that is essentially casual dating (not just the lack of sex, but open relationship also has the connotation of some from of serious commitment between the two primaries even if they sleep/see others). I did that when I had to move 3 hours to college but still wanted to see the guy I was dating at home. It wasn't committed or serious or anything. We were both on the same page (well...same chapter at least, lol). It worked out for 9 months. The problem only really came when I realized I didn't want to do the casual dating thing any more, and he didn't want something serious. So we parted ways. There was a bit more drama than that, but it was mostly miscommunication and some weird thing he had going on.


Casual dating isn't bad. But once again, you MUST be on the same page. Communication is important. At my core, I'm not a casual dater. That's the first and only time I've done it, and I don't think I'd do it again. So if you find you do not like the atmosphere of casual dating, then talk to her.

That said...you won't know until you try.

[ForzaFiori]

That's not an open relationship. That's dating...

What you're being offered is the chance to date someone. Take it. If it doesn't become a committed relationship before you head off to college, then so be it. If it does, then you can have a long-distance relationship.

I guess I should ask, how far away are your respective colleges? How hard would it be to travel to see her on the weekends or such?

Things are called different stuff around here. From what I can tell, people take dating alot more... serious here. Hardly any one ever just goes on a "date" just them and someone else without being exclusive, and if you kiss someone without being exclusive, your opening yourself up to be called a whore. Usually, you get to know someone in a group, go places with them (again, in groups) and ask them out and decide to be exclusive and all before you ever have a solo date.

If you don't do the exclusive thing, and instead are essentially "friends with benefits" and such, its called an open (or non-exclusive by some ppl) relationship, because your letting the person do what they're doing with you, with anyone. Honestly, if I wanted to, I COULD have sex while we have this arrangement. It's just that I don't want to. Granted, if I did, she'd be angry, but not because there was anything between us, but because she thinks it's wrong period.

To put it simply, around here, it is odd to not be REALLY dating someone when your going out with them/kissing them. That is not what this girl wants. She wants what apparently the rest of the world thinks of when they think dating. Meanwhile, I want some sort of relationship with her, but I'm not that keen on the one she has in mind. I think I could do it if it only happened with people at her college, as I'm fine without knowing it definitely (honestly, I'm paranoid enough that I would probably wonder about that even if we were exclusive, but I've learned to block that out. It's KNOWING that bothers me.)

Our colleges are ~1 hour apart, down the Interstate. (For those of you familiar with Upstate SC, I'll be in Clemson, and she'll be in Greenwood)

TL:DR - My area is old fashioned. We're 1 hour apart roughly.

[Quincunx]

Your area isn't truly old-fashioned. Old-fashioned dating from before the sexual revolution is "open relationship" dating. Exclusivity is courting, the prelude to marriage. In those days, boys wore pink and they liked it.

[MountainKing]

TL:DR - My area is old fashioned. We're 1 hour apart roughly.

One, suck it up; being progressive isn't the easy way. As has been said, you won't know unless you try. Two, only an hour? Dang, nevermind. That isn't even remotely long distance. Sounds to me like you'd be fine, should you two decide to move the relationship onward post-college movery.

[Coidzor]

Your area isn't truly old-fashioned. Old-fashioned dating from before the sexual revolution is "open relationship" dating. Exclusivity is courting, the prelude to marriage. In those days, boys wore pink and they liked it.

.... ... ... *twitch*... must...resist.... bait....X.X

More seriously.

Any advice on what to do when you find out a friend just backed up into a pole and blurbed up the car and is feeling pretty down and looking for a good bit to look up their day with?

Only my attempts at thinking levity to bring a smile to her face is just devolving into inane flirtation. Lousy brain.

[Odentin]

Ok, for the rest of the world, that's just dating, pure and simple.

Lemme tell you a story, and I'll spoiler it for everyone else's sake.

Spoiler

Show

When my wife and I first got engaged, we were living separately, on opposite sides of the city. Between our work and school schedules, we were only able to see each other on the weekends. So, while we kept in contact via various chat programs and the like, every weekend one of us would drive to the other's place of residence and spend the weekend there, switching off every other week.

So, my advice to you becomes: Date her, don't get into a committed relationship until both of you are ready. The distance between your colleges is NOTHING. At the moment I'm living half an ocean away from my wife. Hang out on the weekends and keep in contact through the week.

If it blossoms into anything more serious, then good for you guys. If not, then you gave it a try. :)

[ForzaFiori]

I'd like to point out, just for the record: I have no problem with the distance, except that due to us being both being poor, we wont see each other much (every weekend IF we're lucky). The only thing I'm caught up on is the idea that she could be going out with other dudes too. I have jealousy and paranoia issues. The good news is that the distance will probably help. She's not gonna bring it up or anything if she is, so I probably won't find out, and since I ALWAYS worry that a girl is doing that when I'm not around, it won't be any different than normal. The only bad part is if I KNOW it is happening. But I'm gonna give it a try and see what happens.

[Eadin]

uhm
Okay
I need some advice...
But I can't post it on the board...
Anyone who's willling to listen: PM me?
Thanks ...
Edit: Thanks to the people who Pm-ed

[Odentin]

Ok, if you go into this, you have to go into it with the understanding that you are NOT in a committed relationship yet. If she finds someone else, you can't get upset, because there was no commitment. If you guys decide to make it committed, that's another story. But you can't start dating someone assuming it's exclusive until you know for sure that it is.

Eadin: Go ahead and PM me.

[MountainKing]

I'd like to point out, just for the record: I have no problem with the distance, except that due to us being both being poor, we wont see each other much (every weekend IF we're lucky). The only thing I'm caught up on is the idea that she could be going out with other dudes too. I have jealousy and paranoia issues. The good news is that the distance will probably help. She's not gonna bring it up or anything if she is, so I probably won't find out, and since I ALWAYS worry that a girl is doing that when I'm not around, it won't be any different than normal. The only bad part is if I KNOW it is happening. But I'm gonna give it a try and see what happens.

That's fine. Date her casually. If it turns out she matters that much, you'll make the effort to FIND the money to go see her.

IRT Coidpants - Sounds like somebody had a... *dons sunglasses* ...smashing good time.

Seriously though, that really sucks. The best you can really do is be there for them, unless you're secretly a master mechanic.

[Karoht]

Are funny relationship stories acceptable for this thread? If so I have a highly amusing tale. It's about my ex-fiance and her new love, and what happened after I discovered the two together. I promise you, I had absolutely nothing to do with what took place after the breakup, I have an alibi and witnesses to prove it. I also use this tale as my proof that fate exists, or karma, or both.

Acceptable for this thread? Or no? I mean, if you have relationship woes, everyone needs a laugh right?

[Odentin]

I'd like to hear it. If the ones who started the thread think it's inappropriate, then you can PM it to me, if you'd like.

[Tequila Sunrise]

I'd like to hear a funny story too.

I'd also like to rant a bit: Okay, here's the thing. How the frak does anyone meet potential SOs outside of school? Seriously! I'm working a new job this summer; actually it's an old job with new people. I see literally hundreds of people every day, but all of them are either too old for me, too...*shudder*...or talk to me for all of twelve seconds before going back to their campers. (I serve food at a summer camp.) And this has been my experience with pretty much every situation I've been in, other than schools.

There is a silver lining though: I got so desperate a couple weeks ago that, despite the horror stories I've heard, I put a personal ad on craigslist. Sure enough, I got a half dozen scam replies, but I also got a reply from a very cute girl I very much want to meet. I keep reminding myself that it could be a hoax so that I don't get my hopes up, but it's getting harder the more emails I get from her. Now if I can get a weekday off next week, I might be able to actually meet her...

[Pheehelm]

How the frak does anyone meet potential SOs outside of school?

Find group activities that interest you. Activity clubs, dance classes, whatever.

I hear good things about OKCupid too. Could try that.

[Serpentine]

A friend of mine's living with a girl he met on OKCupid.

I would also like to hear this amusing anecdote.

[Coidzor]

Deathslayer7: It sounds like either they're messing around with one another again, or they're trying to patch things up. Leave well enough alone and let 'em work it out between themselves. She is his ex and current person that he's circling and vice versa, after all, so the fact that they're your friends sorta takes a back burner to waiting and seeing what happens..

Also, I'm not really seeing how it was a contest to choose between your girlfriend and this girl, what with the breakup with your best friend and the corresponding cheating of the both of them on each other.

[Pyrian]

Yeah, this is an MYOB situation, deathslayer. Girl B and your friend (and whomever else is involved, lol) will have to sort this out with each other, and you're probably best off not directly involved.

[Odentin]

Holy Hell. I don't even know where to begin on that one...

I think it's best to do like the others have said and leave well enough alone. Let them work their own problems out...

[Deathslayer7]

okay. that's what i have been doin for a while now and that's what ill continue to do then. thanks.

[Iruka]

Don't need advice now since it's already too late, but I thought I'd share the story anyway. After all, reading the RWA-Thread played a considerable role in finally getting a grip on myself and asking my big university crush if she wanted to go on a date with me.
She politely declined. =P
She said she never goes on dates, because she does not want a relationship with a guy who is not a Christian. Which kinda relieved me, since that means I was out of the race from the start and there's nothing I could have done about it.

positive results:
- I finally asked a girl for a date (Yay! )
- I don't have to drag this around with me anymore and go "what if" all the time
- not a direct result, but she is the one who got me into donating blood and I sure won't stop now.

I only wish I had done this earlier and saved myself from all that heart ache ... (which is exactly what you people here recommend over and over again )

[YPU]

Iruka, you seem to take the no very very well. As you should of course, but still I have to admire the positive attitude you apply to it.

[Erloas]

So I've decided to start looking online for someone. I had tried it years ago without much success, but I figured I would give it a try again soon.

I'm really not any good at writing about my self, well writing has never been a strong point for me in any case.

I'm wondering if I could/should post a link to my profile here (or maybe just PM it to a few people) and let the people here review it for me. See if anything comes across weird or if there is any sort of area I should expand on.

Of course its not like anyone here knows me that well to know if what I'm saying is true or if there is something about me that should be added, but I guess it should come across to you guys much how it would to anyone else looking at it.
edit: and by true, I mean true to how I actually am, as opposed to how I think I am, which might not be the same.

[Quincunx]

Go right ahead! We looked at and constructively critiqued a profile last thread. (Receiving constructive critique is another skill altogether. Can you handle that?)

[Erloas]

I sure hope I can take criticism...

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/lb-gb

edit: to start, one thing I'm not sure of is listing my income range. Its pretty good (in the 60-70 range), but I don't really think that should be an important factor. Though I don't know if not having anything would come across as good or bad.

[Serpentine]

Quick first impressions:
- Get more photos without sunglasses on.
- Condense your Self-Summary a bit.
- Trim the Favourite Books etc. section a little, maybe make it a bit easier to read.
- Think a bit harder about the Really Good At and Things I Can't Do Without bits.

'sabout all I've got, methinks.

[Erloas]

I'll see about the pictures, that was pretty much every reasonable picture I had of me. I didn't in fact realize they all had sunglasses on until I posted the one without. I'll see what I can find.

Any idea *how* I should trim down the self summary and books/movies parts?

[Iruka]

Iruka, you seem to take the no very very well. As you should of course, but still I have to admire the positive attitude you apply to it.

Considering her behaviour in the last months I already expected the no, so I was kinda prepared. I just wanted confirmation.
I'm also feeling all grown up now, because I finally asked.
It still hurts a lot, but running for two hours until the rest of my body hurt more helped a bit. I don't know how I'll feel in the next days, I guess there will be some crying.

[xPANCAKEx]

Iruka

theres nothing to cry about - yes its a bit of a downer, but just keep yourself busy and you'll realise life is on the up, so enjoy it

Any idea *how* I should trim down the self summary and books/movies parts?

list genres rather than particular movies - then list a few favourites as examples

[Pyrian]

edit: to start, one thing I'm not sure of is listing my income range. Its pretty good (in the 60-70 range), but I don't really think that should be an important factor. Though I don't know if not having anything would come across as good or bad.

Allow me to quote from OkTrends, OkCupid's analysis blog of it's own data:

We did a little investigating as to whether a person's stated income had any real effect on his or her online dating experience. Unsurprisingly, we found that it matters a lot, particularly for men. ...if you're a young guy and don't make much money, cool. If you're 23 or older and don't make much money, go die in a fire.

The little chart is interesting, too.