Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[DeadManSleeping]

You sound like you two would have more fun hanging out in a romantic sense rather than a non-romantic one. You're losing each other in a year anyway...make it a good year! Possibly one filled with things your parents consider you way too young for.

[Maralais]

Perhaps this will make your post visible?

Now that it's visible, imma answer:

Now the things, we don't actually have a year. She lives in another city, albeit one closer to where I am. Considering how it is hard for high school students to make city-to-city travel at weekends in Turkey, and that I go to a completely different city(to my family) during big holidays, it will be a year with rather tough communication. Though the city where she plans to go for university is a 2 hour travel via high-speed train, I'll still be in high school.

For me, I don't know, I wouldn't mind communication problems much, but it makes that she might mind.

I'm speaking theoretically for now, though.

[Samm]

Update: a mutual friend should be contacting her tonight and he'll let me know how it goes. So... fingers crossed.

[Mattarias, King.]

Ugh.. ><; Hey guys... I don't usually frequent Friendly Banter, and I know it feels kinda selfish to pop in like this, but... I need some advice, I guess...


SO, big bucket of worms already.. My girlfriend of seven years wants to become a man. She's starting her progression slowly. Now finally getting through the red tape to start Testosterone...

I've been supporting her all the way. Trying to be helpful as best I can.. But I know this relationship can't go on for much longer. I just can't be interested in guys. My brain just doesn't work that way.

We both acknowledge it, and figure we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Thing is, she (I HATE pronouns..) was over at my house one day, being withdrawn because I haven't told my parents about her situation yet. So, to try to make her more comfortable... I told them.

Thing is, my (native Arab) parents are very... "Conservative" in their ways of thinking.
As you can imagine, this didn't bode well.

They were civil up until she left. And from that point on, they've been nonstop haranguing me about my situation, calling us "unholy" and all this other verbal abuse. I've tried explaining to them "this is my life, I'm not a kid anymore, you can't control what I do.", to which the counter is always along the lines of "NOT UNDER MY ROOF!"

So... I honestly don't know what to do anymore.. Even my psychologist is flabbergasted at the situation. Just looking for any advice I can get. Cutting off the relationship now is kind of a jerk thing to do, since her birthday is next week...

[term1nally s1ck]

I've been supporting her all the way. Trying to be helpful as best I can.. But I know this relationship can't go on for much longer. I just can't be interested in guys. My brain just doesn't work that way.

Tell them this.

Then tell them that if they aren't willing to accept you trying to support a person who meant a hell of a lot to you for a very long time through probably the BIGGEST decision they will ever make, even if they disagree with that decision, then your opinion of them as people will have fallen dramatically, and that if trying to help another human being through a difficult time is something to have a go at you for, they should probably kill each other for having raised you.

[Coidzor]

Ugh.. ><; Hey guys... I don't usually frequent Friendly Banter, and I know it feels kinda selfish to pop in like this, but... I need some advice, I guess...

That's what the thread's here for, mate. No worries.

I've been supporting her all the way. Trying to be helpful as best I can.. But I know this relationship can't go on for much longer. I just can't be interested in guys. My brain just doesn't work that way.

We both acknowledge it, and figure we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Thing is, she (I HATE pronouns..) was over at my house one day, being withdrawn because I haven't told my parents about her situation yet. So, to try to make her more comfortable... I told them.

Thing is, my (native Arab) parents are very... "Conservative" in their ways of thinking.
As you can imagine, this didn't bode well.

Seems like something of a poor choice that your SO would be withdrawn about your parents not knowing when it was a foregone conclusion that they'd take it badly. But what's done is done.

They were civil up until she left. And from that point on, they've been nonstop haranguing me about my situation, calling us "unholy" and all this other verbal abuse. I've tried explaining to them "this is my life, I'm not a kid anymore, you can't control what I do.", to which the counter is always along the lines of "NOT UNDER MY ROOF!"

How long until you can move out? How long until you two break up because of the fundamental unsustainable nature of the relationship?

So... I honestly don't know what to do anymore.. Even my psychologist is flabbergasted at the situation. Just looking for any advice I can get. Cutting off the relationship now is kind of a jerk thing to do, since her birthday is next week...

Well, it sounds like for reasons of general health you need a plan to move out of your parents house and to know when you'll be able to do that.

As far as your SO, it seems that right now in the short term the thing to do is figure out when to break things off, considering your incompatibility. Longer you wait the worse it gets, or so the saying goes.

[Samm]

Update:

Our mutual friend has conctacted her and he says that she doesn't hate, but is occasionally made at me. She also doesn't want to interact. Guess I'll apologise after exams and depending on how that goes, I'll ask her in a non-pressuring way whether she'd like to be friends or just part ways. At the moment, it seems like she'd rather do the latter. Anyway. I guess I've got to get used to the idea of never really seeing or talking to her again if she doesn't want to have anything to do with me.

Am I doing the right thing?

[Ichneumon]

My girlfriend (we are together for almost 3 months now) just told me that a few weeks ago, she felt lonely and asked her ex-boyfriend to come sleep over with her and in bed together they kissed each other. She says she didn't really think about it, was feeling "strange" and that she was just tired, but that apart from the kiss nothing serious "happened". Since this is my first relationship, I'm a bit uncertain what to think about this, but I'm angry and upset. Is it unreasonable of me to make a big deal of this and maybe want to break up? What would you guys advise?

[Hawkfrost000]

My girlfriend (we are together for almost 3 months now) just told me that a few weeks ago, she felt lonely and asked her ex-boyfriend to come sleep over with her and in bed together they kissed each other. She says she didn't really think about it, was feeling "strange" and that she was just tired, but that apart from the kiss nothing serious "happened". Since this is my first relationship, I'm a bit uncertain what to think about this, but I'm angry and upset. Is it unreasonable of me to make a big deal of this and maybe want to break up? What would you guys advise?

dump the CAH

DM

[Trellan]

My girlfriend (we are together for almost 3 months now) just told me that a few weeks ago, she felt lonely and asked her ex-boyfriend to come sleep over with her and in bed together they kissed each other. She says she didn't really think about it, was feeling "strange" and that she was just tired, but that apart from the kiss nothing serious "happened". Since this is my first relationship, I'm a bit uncertain what to think about this, but I'm angry and upset. Is it unreasonable of me to make a big deal of this and maybe want to break up? What would you guys advise?

She called over her ex, slept in the same bed with him, and kissed him. Because she was bored/"lonely". You seriously need to ask if you have a right to be upset? This girl is bad news, and I'm gonna echo Darius here: dump her like a ton of dirty, cheating bricks. She may not have actually had sex with the dude, but she pretty much reached the point where she may as well have. You have no reason to trust her anymore, and that will destroy a relationship.

As a matter of curiosity that is also relevant: why didn't she call you if she was lonely?

[Hawkfrost000]

@Ichneumon: sorry should have mentioned this. Lying in a bed kissing each other is what people do right before they have sex. She is either just whoreing around (not literally) or has a serious emotional attachment to her Ex either way, she is trouble for you.

[Ichneumon]

Thanks for the advise. It's very helpful. I'm still processing all of this.

As a matter of curiosity that is also relevant: why didn't she call you if she was lonely?

Well, we both live 2 hours driving away from each other. We now see each other usually 2 times a week on which we spend entire days with each other doing stuff and me sleeping over. And on days we can't see each other we video or text chat A LOT with each other and likely I was at home at the time so if she really wanted to see me, she just had to turn on the camera.

[Jonesh]

Met my crush today, somewhat briefly along with a mutual friend and their gay friend.
I still feel awkward flirting in front of people I know so I didn't flirt with her.
Gave her a kiss on the cheek as we hugged goodbye though.

I'm thinking of going for broke tomorrow, by asking her out. Thing is, should I do it tonight (it's 9 pm here) or wait untill tomorrow morning or something?
I was thinking I might make it sounds spontaneous (at least the decision to ask her out is spontanenous :P) but that'll only work if I ask her tomorrow. I think
Something like "I'm going to go eat at *restaurant* tonight/tomorrow evening, want to come?".
Maybe add an "My treat!" or wait until she responds to say that. You know, in case she says she can't afford going out.

Gah, what to do Playground, what to do?

[Pheehelm]

Ichneumon -- Your situation is the exact sort of thing rule #7 in the OP is meant to address:

#7- Let your boundaries be known. This goes for everything from intimacy to what you consider cheating to any other thing you can think of. Pretty much if it's something that would possibly upset you or your partner, let them know BEFORE a problem arises. An example would be letting your partner know you consider kissing cheating. They very well might think only intercourse is cheating. Having that known before anything potentially happens is a good thing.

I'm thinking no good can come out of what you have going now, and you'd be better off letting her go and just taking these past three months as a learning experience.


Jonesh -- *shrug* Why would it need to sound spontaneous?

"I'm going to go eat at *restaurant* tonight/tomorrow evening, want to come?".

Should be fine, but give her all the information before prompting her to make the decision. Add the "my treat" before her initial response. Besides, think it through -- if saying she can't afford it is her (ill-advised but well-intentioned) way of letting you down gently, and then you add "my treat" after she says that, you make things more awkward for the both of you. Trying to persuade someone after they've turned you down is bad form, after all, and that's how you may come across.

[Jonesh]

Ah, too late. Sent it a little while ago.
Also, figured it would be less of a big deal to say yes if it seemed spontaneous.

I think she can afford it anyway so I don't think she'll use it as an excuse and I'd think a little less of her if she did try to "let me down gently" since she is usually pretty frank.
If we go out, I'll probably pay anyway, at least for this date
And I paid the last time so she might anticipate it being my treat but last time it was just coffee.

Hope she says yes though...

[Ichneumon]

Okay, I just saw her and I broke up with her. God was that aweful. It now slowly starts to sink in properly what she did and the more I think about it, the more I feel like crying. I really loved her and things were going better and better, really thought we had something going.

[Serpentine]

dump the CAH

DM

@She is either just whoreing around

Totally unnecessary and almost certainly not true (though I don't know what "CAH" is meant to stand for, but I'm sure it's something offensive). This sort of attitude has no place here.

But that does not mean I don't think you did the wrong thing in breaking up with her, Icky. Totally fair enough.

[Castaras]

Okay, I just saw her and I broke up with her. God was that aweful. It now slowly starts to sink in properly what she did and the more I think about it, the more I feel like crying. I really loved her and things were going better and better, really thought we had something going.

*hugs*

Get some chocolate. And keep yourself busy. Try something new.

And good luck.

[LaZodiac]

Okay, I just saw her and I broke up with her. God was that aweful. It now slowly starts to sink in properly what she did and the more I think about it, the more I feel like crying. I really loved her and things were going better and better, really thought we had something going.

*hugs tightly* Don't worry, you seem like a great guy. You'll find someone more worthy of you then that..well, bitch.

[Moonshadow]

So, I finally get to talk to this girl after 2 weeks because she has been super duper busy due to family and uni stuffs, and I tell her that she should totally let me take her out somewhere once she gets some free time so we can celebrate her freedom of over-academia, and the only response I get is a "hehe", which is honestly, kinda normal for her, but I can't tell if that's a no or a yes or a what.

I are the confused.

[LaZodiac]

So, I finally get to talk to this girl after 2 weeks because she has been super duper busy due to family and uni stuffs, and I tell her that she should totally let me take her out somewhere once she gets some free time so we can celebrate her freedom of over-academia, and the only response I get is a "hehe", which is honestly, kinda normal for her, but I can't tell if that's a no or a yes or a what.

I are the confused.

I think it's a yes.

[DeadManSleeping]

Well, she's free now. She didn't want to know when or where. Sounds like a "I think you're joking or making idle talk" response.

[Castaras]

Or it could be an "Oh. I dunno what to say. Crap. " I often default to "hehe" or something like it if I dunno what to say.

Which can be a good thing or a bad thing.

[Moonshadow]

Well, I don't think she's actually free yet, she still sounds pretty busy. And to be honest, I'm more inclined to go with what Casta is saying, because that's the general vibe I get.

Still, it would just be nice to actually get a straight answer out of her. I'd be happy even if it was a "no, I don't want to date you", even if I would much prefer a yes >.>

[arguskos]

Well, I don't think she's actually free yet, she still sounds pretty busy. And to be honest, I'm more inclined to go with what Casta is saying, because that's the general vibe I get.

Still, it would just be nice to actually get a straight answer out of her. I'd be happy even if it was a "no, I don't want to date you", even if I would much prefer a yes >.>

Here's a bizarre concept: ask for said straight answer. Say something like "So that's a yes?" and wink or something. Make it a little lighthearted but be pretty up front about wanting a clearer response. One of the thread rules is communication for a reason.

[Warlawk]

Well, this is going to be long and in depth, and probably not pretty. I'm going to make every effort to present both sides of things, because I know I've made plenty of mistakes and I wasn't the person I wanted to be. I'll try to present fact and emotion separately. I'm not entirely sure what it is I want here, I don't know if I want advice or just to vent or what, but I just want to write things out I guess.

This is LONG, you have been warned.

Spoiler

Show

Been married for 15 years, have 5 children, 1 miscarriage this spring and a baby on the way. The first two were planned and the rest have happened despite being on birth control and the wife just did not want to get fixed (for either of us, I offered). Now, that's not a problem. We are both very family oriented and the kids are wonderful, yes it's hard sometimes but they aren't a problem (there is a problem related to one, but that will come about in time as the story unfolds). This is just to set the stage as it were, to establish where we are.

We got together young, me 19 her 16. At first it was very casual, just going out for coffee and that sort of thing, mostly with friends and rarely just the two of us. We were friendly and there was obviously interest between the two of us, but that's mostly all it was. Things started to get a little more serious but we didn't really talk much about it, just spent a bit more time together. She was a virgin and didn't want more, so while there was a lot of kissing and a bit of touching, that was it. I cheated. More than once, and lied. I can spout reasons why and such, but the bottom line is, I did it. I never gave anyone the wrong impression, I never concealed the fact that H and I were together and I never sweet talked anyone else telling them I loved them or was going to leave her and be with them or anything like that. It was just fun and sex, each of them knew that and accepted it for what it was. It doesn't excuse anything or change anything, but at least I maintained that morality in things. Now, I know this is awful behavior and she would have been completely justified in leaving me. Frankly I didn't understand it myself, yes the sex was fun but it wasn't good enough to justify anything. I didn't understand why, and I honestly hated myself for it but I kept doing it anyways (this is important later).

She decided she wanted to make it work and we stayed together, moved out of state when she graduated to a town where I had a couple of friends. We got our first place and started building our lives together. Yes, I had damaged our relationship and I knew it, and I did everything I could think of to try and fix it, but she had nothing to offer. Never a word or hint of anything I could do to help things. She had been a virgin and I very much had not, she felt inadequate and inexperienced and it caused problems, there were self esteem issues. Over time my friends that were there got to know her and it came to light that while they did not have an open relationship, they were both interested her and the lady was interested in me as well. They were open to whatever might happen. I was not entirely sure how I felt about it, because obviously I didn't want her sleeping with other people but at the same time I felt like it might be something that could help her feel like she had more experience, and was not so much 'less' in that regard. I had known these friends for many years and trusted them, so I ended up talking to H about it, and she wasn't really sure what to make of it. Things kind of just progressed and the two ladies fooled around a little bit and we had a few times where we were intimate with all 4 of us in the same spot, but it was never more than a little touching between couples except for the once with the two ladies. She said it really wasn't what she wanted, and that was that.

Move us years down the road. We're still working through college and sharing a big house with a couple of friends that we've known for several years. They are both great guys who have a lot in common with both of us. H really clicks with I and I tell her it's ok with me if she wants to be physical with him, as long as she can be completely honest with me about everything. Again, this isn't because I want them to be together but because I love her so much that I don't want her to feel trapped, to feel like she will never get to experience physical intimacy with anyone but me. He's a great guy and the trust is there. She's not sure, doesn't know what to decide and it kind of seems to me that she wants to but doesn't want to say it. One night the 3 of us are drinking at the house and I let her know it was ok, and it ended up happening. She seemed to enjoy herself and everything was all right. Like I said, it wasn't what I wanted per se, but knowing it was what she wanted and had fun, I could be OK with it. Well, a few weeks later through sheer happenstance I found something and found out that she had slept with him again and didn't tell me, which kind of destroys the whole concept of it being ok as long as she's honest. It causes problems, we're distant and not communicating well etc. She said that basically he started kissing her and she didn't know how to tell him no. IMO you might feel bad about telling a friend they can't borrow your car, or have some of your food, but not for sex. As we're struggling and being distant she ends up spending a lot of time fooling around with our other roommate as well. I knew it was happening and was trying very hard to live through it on the same premise, if she could be honest with me that would at least give us some trust to rebuild things on even if she was doing something I didn't like. Well, she couldn't and lied to me about what was going on every chance she had pretty much. We stay together and kind of move on a little.

At this point we have 1 child together, 3 years old. She wants another and I am just not ready. Over the course of about 8 months while all this is going on I pretty much just get hounded into agreeing by her and our various family to the point I just give up and say it's ok. Of course down the road this just caused more problems, but she has this idea in her head that I resent our second child, which is completely not true. He's wonderful and I wouldn't want to imagine life without him. The problem is between she and I, not the kid and I.

At this point I cheated. I had my reasons and justifications in my head, but they really don't matter or excuse anything, the bottom line is that I did it. It went on for several years and I lied about it. I came to care about this woman pretty deeply, and even though I hated what it was doing to my life I couldn't give her up. I never did it to hurt my wife, I never wanted to leave her, and I hated myself for what I was doing, but I couldn't stop doing it either. Time passes and I make the choice that I don't want to live like this any more. I move our family away so there can be no question that it's done and in the past. I do everything I know how to repair things and try and make up for what I know is inexcusable. Things seem to be going ok, neither of us are quitters and we just keep at it, but just the same as before I get no help at all. I try everything I can but there's never any information from her on what I could do to try and rebuild trust.

I get sick. The doctors still don't know what is going on, but I'm starting to recover. I was suffering chronic fatigue, crippling headaches, dizziness bad enough I can't get across the living room without supporting myself a lot of the time, memory loss where I might just lose 4-8 hours of a day completely with no memory of it at all and some dissociative issues where I can't functionally hold a conversation because I don't understand that I'm a part of it. I spend several years now dealing with this and she picks up the slack, taking care of money for the family while I can't. I try to be sure to tell her often how much that means to us all and how important it is, how much we appreciate it, etc. Over this time it seems like our relationship is actually doing pretty good and moving in the right direction. I ask frequently and try to get her to talk about things and she assures me everything is good and we're doing well.

A couple months ago she switches her second job for a little extra cash waiting tables at night. She's really got that cute girl next door look and a great personality so it's actually really good money. Well, the place gets really busy and sometimes she's out late. I worry about her and pretty much end up shuffling the whole family organization and such to be sure she can be getting naps when she has a couple hours between jobs. Things get later a few times and I am terrified because she miscarried this spring and is pregnant again. She says she's made a friend there, Nichole and while she is tired it really helps her to take a little time to get to just hang out with someone and no have to be mommy/provider every moment. I worry, but I can understand that and certainly don't begrudge her that little comfort.

I check her phone one night after she gets home late because I can't sleep when she got home at 4am. Turns out in the next few hours there are like 10 messages from 'nichole2' who is very obviously a guy and she's very obviously been spending some personal time with him, lots of messages ending with 'hugs and kisses' and that sort of thing. I confront her and we talk about it, she says that she just got so tired and worn down and felt wanted, felt needed for herself instead of being mommy/provider. She said they had mostly talked, and it just progressed to giving hugs in support and then he kissed her. She promised me many times that it had not gone past that and that she wasn't sure she really wanted it to, but they were friends first and foremost. I'm in a bad place, but can't deny her wanting to be friends with him. I even tall her yet again that if it does turn more physical, I will try and be OK with it because that's what she needs to be happy.

Less than a week after I've found out, we had a long talk and there were a few things we agreed to talk about when she got home after work and it was planned that is what was going to be going on. Well, when she gets off work she texts saying he wants to come over and meet me, and needs a place to sleep and she would like him to be able to sleep on her couch. Obviously this is the last thing in the world I want, but I am trying hard to give this guy the benefit of the doubt because if she cares about him there has to be something good there. If the past has showed anything, it's that I can't deny her anything she wants. They show up and from the second he comes through the door he is aggressive and it just gets worse. I and my wife are both EXTREMELY laid back people and we don't like hostile or aggressive people in our lives, and especially not in our house with 5 sleeping children. It goes from aggressive to verbally abusive quickly and consistently. I tell him repeatedly once this is clear that I have nothing to say to him and he needs to leave. No response, and I've made it very clear to my wife that this needs to stop and she does nothing, just sits there and watches everything. When he gets to the point of trying to get into my space I tell him if he doesn't go I'm calling the cops. Wife freaks out on me and pretty much says if I call the cops we're through. So this goes on for almost 3 hours, I have no way to end it short of violence, which I don't want. It would have been a quick end, with me being around 270 and having a long history of martial arts while he's 145. I know this because he told me, repeatedly while talking about how he would wreck me, etc. The guy was completely full of **** and just absolutely unstable. Telling me 'you don't know me, you don't know what I'm capable of, this is CALM for me' while he's so upset he's choking on his words. Things like that. So finally we end up going to our room and he stays up listening to music and ends up passing out on the floor in front of the computer.

There are morning appointments for the kids and I make very clear to H that he leaves as soon as the kids are up, period. Well, the kids get up and she kinda shuffles them around getting showers and such while telling me she's just giving him a few minutes to wake up on his own etc. Well, he wakes up and stomps off to the curb to pout and throw some fit, leaving his stuff inside and she chases after him to talk after asking me to not even be in the room with him because it will just end badly. So I end up coming out to see what's going on to find her outside talking to him while our 5 year old is naked in the bathroom trying to figure out what's going on because he was supposed to be getting a shower but she just left. I get things taken care of and I'm pretty pissed at this point, tell her that he gets his stuff and leaves NOW or I am calling the cops. He needs to use the bathroom, he just stands there talking to her in the hall quietly and not leaving when she is asking him too. It ends up at the point where I am standing at the end of the hall with the phone telling them I'm calling 911 in 10 seconds before he finally leaves. Pouting, shooting me dirty looks and slamming the door on the way out.

She assures me she's never seen him like that, etc. He used his time in our home to tell me she had been lieing and they had been sleeping together, something to the effect of 'oh I've been getting that for like a month'. Which I pretty much already knew, but that's not exactly how I would have liked to have that confirmed. I honestly do believe that she had never seen that side of him, because she wouldn't be around someone like that. But she still wants to be friends with him. I hate it, but can't deny her that. Well, very next chance they have she sleeps with him in a car again. Well, only kind of because apparently she couldn't lubricate and he couldn't keep it up (apparently not the first time, he's getting out of a failing relationship and is a wreck). But the point is moot because they tried.

Well, in the 6 weeks or so since this started, she pretty much has told me that she still loves me but isn't sure if we can move on. She still holds grudges from 15+ years ago. She feels like initially I was trying to basically trade her to my friend for his wife, she hadn't realized that if I wanted to be with her the offer was open, but I chose not to. She feels like I pushed her to sleep with our roommates. She can't let go of the fact that I cheated, and she just straight up lied to me for years on end that we were doing ok. Now, I have poured my heart out apologizing and explaining my thoughts and motivations for things left many years in the past. It feels like she cheated on me and I've spent the past 6 weeks apologizing and trying to fix it while she has done nothing but tell me she needs time and space, without making any effort to do anything. I haven't been able to back off and give her that space because there's no trust, there's too much hurt and every single time since this started that I have given her the opportunity to do something to build trust, some chance to put us first, she has done the opposite. Every time the opportunity is there she just uses it to hurt me, and then say she still wants to fix us, without doing anything about it. Over this time I've done everything I can think of. I've talked, I've looked up poetry and nice little sayings that I leave on notes taped to our mirror, I've sat down and written full pages that I read to her to try and help her understand what I'm feeling. I took a puzzle and put together a heart shape, left a note on it that said "You make all the pieces of my life fit together as a whole coherent picture, without you it's just a meaningless jumble". Flowers, drawing on the mirror to leave her pictures and messages, singing to her. The past few days I have taken the time each day to sit her down and kneel in front of her just to tell her that she is wonderful, she is amazing, she is enough, she is everything I want, she is everything I need and that I love her and forgive her.

A couple weeks ago she said she needed to stop being physically intimate with me. Now, over all our rough times in 15 years that has never happened. We have always been a very sexually active couple to the point where in our 30s 4-6 times a week would be average for us. So this was kind of shocking and out of the blue. After all, she couldn't tell our roommate no, she said the last time she was with this guy she didn't really want to, she just didn't want to say no. All in all, a pretty harsh slap in the face. I tend to wrap up emotion and physical intimacy, I have a very hard time separating them, so that is a major blow.

We've talked (90% me talking), and finally got to a place where I was feeling like I could back off a bit and be ok, not have to talk every single day. She had yesterday off, but worked at night. Nothing planned, nothing we needed to do for the kids, just all of us at home being a family. It was great. The day went well, things were comfortable and I was feeling good about it. Then I looked at the cell phone when I had a minute and found that all the messages had been cleared out, which was not a big deal since it was getting full and needed to be cleared. Part of our agreements on building trust was that nothing would be cleared until I had seen it. Except that before she cleared it she did send him a message saying she missed him and I had to learn that by reading his response. Here I thought the day was going so well and she's having a nice day just being home with the family and she's missing him. Now, she said (and I actually do believe this) that she was just responding to his last message from the night before. Kind of like how when someone asks 'how's it going' most of us just respond by rote instead of actually meaning our response. I believe her that's what it was. But that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change that she sent it. It doesn't change that she either didn't care or didn't think what it would look like to me or how it would make me feel. It doesn't change that she deleted the message without letting me see it.

That was my breaking point. And I told her so. I have no more 'try' left in me. I'm not giving up on us, but I can't be the only one trying, the only one carrying this weight while she takes every opportunity to trip me. What will be, will be. I've made my share of mistakes and I own up to them. I've done a lot of thinking about the past in this time and I think I was an addict. Sex was my addiction. I come from A family where my bio father was alcoholic and borderline verbally abusive, they split when I was like 7 I think. My step dad was never around, like literally usually working out of state and we would see him maybe 6 hours or so on the weekends. My sister was thrown from a horse when I was 14 and seriously injured, requiring years of physical therapy and medical attention. When that happened my mom was just gone, always with her and traveling around the country to different facilities for different treatments. That was what had to happen and I know it, I don't hold a grudge about it, but that left me 14 and pretty much on my own. I have a bad background and all the things that dispose me to addictive behavior. When that finally clicked for me, it finally made things make sense. My behavior over the years and the fact that I hated myself for it even as I couldn't stop doing it. It doesn't excuse anything, and I don't try to say it should, but at least it finally made sense to me.

Thanks for reading, it felt good to write things out I guess. Sometimes even just telling the story can help. While there is some sexual content to the story I've tried to keep it very frank and nonspecific, if it is too much for the thread just let me know and I'll either edit or just take it down or something.

[Lissou]

Warlawk, there seems to be a lot of miscommunication or misunderstandings between the two of you. I suggest seeing a marriage counselor, who would probably be able to help you much more than anyone here would.

[arguskos]

Warlawk, there seems to be a lot of miscommunication or misunderstandings between the two of you. I suggest seeing a marriage counselor, who would probably be able to help you much more than anyone here would.

Absolutely this. Warlawk, this is beyond our ability to help you with. It's the sorta thing that you need professional guidance to work through.

[Warlawk]

Absolutely this. Warlawk, this is beyond our ability to help you with. It's the sorta thing that you need professional guidance to work through.

Oh I know that, I'm not really looking for help I guess. Just needed to vent and it helped to go over things from start to finish I suppose.

[Swordlol]

Ugh.. ><; Hey guys... I don't usually frequent Friendly Banter, and I know it feels kinda selfish to pop in like this, but... I need some advice, I guess...


SO, big bucket of worms already.. My girlfriend of seven years wants to become a man. She's starting her progression slowly. Now finally getting through the red tape to start Testosterone...

I've been supporting her all the way. Trying to be helpful as best I can.. But I know this relationship can't go on for much longer. I just can't be interested in guys. My brain just doesn't work that way.

We both acknowledge it, and figure we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Thing is, she (I HATE pronouns..) was over at my house one day, being withdrawn because I haven't told my parents about her situation yet. So, to try to make her more comfortable... I told them.

Thing is, my (native Arab) parents are very... "Conservative" in their ways of thinking.
As you can imagine, this didn't bode well.

They were civil up until she left. And from that point on, they've been nonstop haranguing me about my situation, calling us "unholy" and all this other verbal abuse. I've tried explaining to them "this is my life, I'm not a kid anymore, you can't control what I do.", to which the counter is always along the lines of "NOT UNDER MY ROOF!"

So... I honestly don't know what to do anymore.. Even my psychologist is flabbergasted at the situation. Just looking for any advice I can get. Cutting off the relationship now is kind of a jerk thing to do, since her birthday is next week...

I am very bias here since not only do I not celebrate birthdays (I believe they are a vain act [and no I am not a Jehova's Witness despite they believe similarly]) and I am conservative and I also simply cannot like a guy - my brain is not wired that way.

Depending on how deep your relationship has went in the past I would:
-If you have been committed to each other for a long period of time (which in my opinion would be over a year and a half, not counting time the two of you have been friends except if you were very close friends) - then stick with her till the sex change operation. Tell her that the moment you become a man the relationship is automatically over since you are physically and psychologically incapable of loving a man. You might want to try staying friends but that might be very ackward.

-If you have only been together for a short while then dump her. It might be better for her to go through this process alone in regards to her resolve of becoming a man. If you have only been together for a short while your emotional comfort that you might provide is minimal.

With that being said I do not see why 'it's going to be her birthday' is a valid argument to not live and try to progress through life. Many tragic events happen on people's birthdays, the world does not stop just because it's your birthday.

I truly wish for the best between the both of you, this'll make for a funny, bizzare, extreme party/college story some day.