Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Eadin]

Hey y'all, it's been a while..
And I need advice on something that's not very forum friendly and a bit private too..
Can I PM anyone?
Thanks!

[term1nally s1ck]

PM away. 10char.

[Astrella]

Sure, though I'm not sure if I'd be able to offer much advice.

[Castaras]

PM box open etc.

edit: well it is now that I've realised I reached 100% somehow. o.O

[Coidzor]

PM box open etc.

edit: well it is now that I've realised I reached 100% somehow. o.O

Well, you know how the internet is when a girl is popular and cute.

[Castaras]

Well, you know how the internet is when a girl is popular and cute.

Flattery will get you nowhere. /dry

[NineThePuma]

Flattery will get you nowhere. /dry

Except hurt, yes?

[Coidzor]

Flattery will get you nowhere. /dry

Well, no, that's why Britain's an island.

[Odentin]

Seems you've got a bunch of options, but my PM box is always open, in case you need a 4th opinion. :)

[Eadin]

yes, I've got enough, but thanks for offering

[Dvil]

I realise I'm a little late to the party, but my PM box is also open, just in case.

[Pika...]

Thanks for the earlier advice folks.

I talked to the girl, and asked her if she would ever consider giving me a chance after the guys who are pursing her. Her reply was: "Maybe, but you have to earn it" in a sweet/smiling manner.

Can the ladies here please give me their opinions on this? Is this good? Bad? Etc?


Many Pikas in advance! Scared stiff here.

[H Birchgrove]

Could mean she wants you to do be chivalrous or just plain nice to her, getting one base after another by "earning" those.

I could give a more cynical variant on it, but I know I'm in a bad mood and shouldn't be like that.

[Glass Mouse]

Sounds like a "I could see it happen, but I won't promise anything" to me. Could be anything, though, depending on the girl in question.

Please don't assume that all women speak the same language or are on the same wavelength. Your best bet is to ask someone who knows this specific woman for their opinion.
Good luck with it, in any case

[NineThePuma]

The language of women varies over location, upbringing, and social status. What might mean "go ahead" could also mean "stop mooing and dance in circles" though this sounds like a fairly typical "be nice to me and I'll be nice to you."

However, understanding women is hard enough that I settled for understanding men, so I might just be crazy.

[H Birchgrove]

My completely bias view on how I broke of a relationship with one of the mates who irk me (originally posted at the GitP Facebook chat, but edited here):

We fell out. I told him on a Face Book page for another party that I didn't want to be on it. I could have just pressed the No thanks button but he was so damn smug about peeps should go to it and I still haven't recovered from the former one. So he said something about me being still welcomed, and he used a nickname I frigging hate. So I said, "My name is not *****, my name is Marcus" and I posted a link to a trailer for They Call Me MISTER Tibbs! (I'm a movie geek and he knows it. I just wanted to make him understand how I feel about being called in a wrong manner.)

It made him perplexed. So I linked to In the Heat of the Night. Then he started the FB chat, he wanted to know if I was mad at him.

Damn true I was, but I tried to be polite at first. He still used the nickname, I told him that I hated it and that I've told him that before. He defended himself by saying "friends use nicknames blah blah".

Anyway, to wrap this up, we got on about the party and how I was pissed at his and the others behaviour. Then somehow it turned into politics (he brought it up), I told my opinions, he got butt-hurt, then he said he doesn't want to be friends with me. Which is fine with me.

In a way, relieving and liberating but I got a gnawing feeling in my tummy. Hurm. I didn't even got to say how I hate the sex jokes he and the other mate makes all the time when we three are together.

Anyway, I had planned to do it nicely. I didn't mean to break of completely. I just wanted to state that we don't really have much in common. What is really sad is that I don't have many real friends here in Växjö, most are just acquaintances.

[term1nally s1ck]

Could mean she wants you to do be chivalrous or just plain nice to her, getting one base after another by "earning" those.

I could give a more cynical variant on it, but I know I'm in a bad mood and shouldn't be like that.

No.

This kind of behaviour will come across as you being a 'nice guy', and you will be shot down when you try and make a move.

[Coidzor]

Please don't assume that all women speak the same language or are on the same wavelength. Your best bet is to ask someone who knows this specific woman for their opinion.
Good luck with it, in any case

The language of women varies over location, upbringing, and social status. What might mean "go ahead" could also mean "stop mooing and dance in circles" though this sounds like a fairly typical "be nice to me and I'll be nice to you."

Indeed, given the way societies generally operate, inside one of 'em simply being born a woman and raised as such and being of a similar socio-economic status gives a certain amount of common experience barring people who fall well enough out of the norm that they're either inside a sub-group/culture that defines more than sex, age, and socio-economic background or they're so far removed from the over-culture that they're outliers of outliers and thus impossible to gauge as there are no tools for doing so beyond the "touch the pot to see if it's going to burn you" method.

Going close to the source is usually good, but varies depending upon the source's peer group. Though, in cases where you'd actually have to worry about a poisonous group of friends and associates, well, you have to ask yourself whether pursuit is worth having to deal with that sort before and after establishing a relationship.

And if the peer-group is biased against you for whatever reason, odds are pretty good the person you're after will have some degree of that same bias.

I'm a whitebread 20-something guy, and, to me, the statement looked like a "I want to get a better feel for you before I make that kind of assessment, and I don't trust easy." But I'm rather leery of the phrase "earn it" when thrown around by women, as I've only encountered it personally when it's been accompanied by unrealistic and demanding expectations of my behavior and the way the world is supposed to operate around said dame.

[Eadin]

A rant..

Spoiler

Show

So after a long time of going through guys who just wanted sex and led me on, I have found a guy who is really interested in me. Or so he tells me.
We met at halloween party (little less than a month ago), I was dressed up as a zombie and he licked my neck to taste my fake blood. Kissing and dancing followed and I went home with his number and e-mail. We talked online and texted, he got out of a long relationship about a month ago but was really interested in me and wanted to take things slow. Few weeks passed, hung out twice (he lives about an hour and more drive away from me ). he's moving and getting a new job and is very busy, so I can't see him for a while. Maybe next week.
Silly as it may seem, I'm getting insecure. I don't really know what I am to him, and do to my past experiences I don't trust people that easily. We've had a few deep talks, also about my insecurity, and he claims he's really serious about me... But I just can't believe him. Not yet. I'm falling hard for him and I don't want my heart broken again. The biggest problem is the distance. MSN and texts are our only way of communication most of the time and he's not very consistent in those. Not responding to texts or on msn sometimes but being active on Facebook. Which leads me to another thing that bothers me: Facebook. Everytime he posts something it gets swarmed by attractive girls responding. and honestly I feel like a stick compared to them. Some are even models! My self-image isn't all that healthy, but still. He said I was beautyful and perfect the way I am, but I'm still worried. the distance also worried me, told him and he said where there's a will there's a way..
yes, rant rant rant.
I don't know why I get like this, he's really sweet. Always tells me to tell him what's on my mind, that he'll understand. But I'm so very scared and I don't know why.
I'm not fit for relationships, really.

End of rant..

[Wyntonian]

I wish I could be more helpful.... But you have my support. We gents can be confusing people. Really, the best thing I can recommend is to go ahead with this whole "take it slow" deal, maybe grow more comfortable with him, and see where it goes. Good luck!

[akma]

Eadin, from my perspective it seems like things are going great for you. You`re worried, and that`s ok, just remmember things are going great.
And an hour distance isn`t much - just go on longer dates with him then you would go with someone nearer. Maybe stay over at his place at a weekend (not nesccerly in the same bed, remmember to make that point clear). You could meet at some place between the places you live in.

[Trellan]

A rant..

Spoiler

Show

So after a long time of going through guys who just wanted sex and led me on, I have found a guy who is really interested in me. Or so he tells me.
We met at halloween party (little less than a month ago), I was dressed up as a zombie and he licked my neck to taste my fake blood. Kissing and dancing followed and I went home with his number and e-mail. We talked online and texted, he got out of a long relationship about a month ago but was really interested in me and wanted to take things slow. Few weeks passed, hung out twice (he lives about an hour and more drive away from me ). he's moving and getting a new job and is very busy, so I can't see him for a while. Maybe next week.
Silly as it may seem, I'm getting insecure. I don't really know what I am to him, and do to my past experiences I don't trust people that easily. We've had a few deep talks, also about my insecurity, and he claims he's really serious about me... But I just can't believe him. Not yet. I'm falling hard for him and I don't want my heart broken again. The biggest problem is the distance. MSN and texts are our only way of communication most of the time and he's not very consistent in those. Not responding to texts or on msn sometimes but being active on Facebook. Which leads me to another thing that bothers me: Facebook. Everytime he posts something it gets swarmed by attractive girls responding. and honestly I feel like a stick compared to them. Some are even models! My self-image isn't all that healthy, but still. He said I was beautyful and perfect the way I am, but I'm still worried. the distance also worried me, told him and he said where there's a will there's a way..
yes, rant rant rant.
I don't know why I get like this, he's really sweet. Always tells me to tell him what's on my mind, that he'll understand. But I'm so very scared and I don't know why.
I'm not fit for relationships, really.

End of rant..

I know it's tough, but you really have to let go of the insecurity; it's poison to a relationship. The Facebook part especially resonated with me because my girlfriend, for almost the exact same reasons (although I'd hardly say I get flooded by girls responding), actually removed me from her Facebook because she couldn't deal with it.

I understand her (and your) reasoning for the insecurity and feelings about it in general, but you're not going to get anything from tormenting yourself about it. Best case scenario is you stress yourself out, with a much more likely scenario of stressing you and him out and causing an argument.

Hopefully it's something that will pass in time, but I'd definitely suggest thinking about how you can feel more secure with him.

[Eadin]

Thanks for the advice, you guys
I'll try to keep those things in mind. this rant was more a way to vent my frustrations to prevent getting into a fight ... and it worked :)

[Pika...]

Same. Thanks for the advice folks.

I am scared, as I really care for the girl, but I will keep up hope.

[H Birchgrove]

No.

This kind of behaviour will come across as you being a 'nice guy', and you will be shot down when you try and make a move.

So why do women in modern fiction like, for example, The Big Bang Theory and Twilight expect this behaviour?

[Astrella]

modern fiction

There's your answer.

[H Birchgrove]

There's your answer.

Yeah, but why is *that* type of behaviour not only accepted but also enforced as something good, when other behaviours surrounding romance and love that once were deemed good are now deemed bad, if not outright despicable?

[Coidzor]

People are, on the whole, kind of crazy. And Twilight's basically porn for women with the porn removed, so you can't really judge it as indicative of anything other than fantasy material.

Sort of like how even women with rape fetishes don't exactly want to be mistreated.

No idea about Big Bang Theory, as I believe that's television programming and I no longer have a television. I seem to recall it being directed at semi-nerdy types though.

[John Cribati]

No.

This kind of behaviour will come across as you being a 'nice guy', and you will be shot down when you try and make a move.

So in order to attract a woman, you have to act mean and/or indifferent to her. Makes perfect sense.

[H Birchgrove]

So in order to attract a woman, you have to act mean and/or indifferent to her. Makes perfect sense.

I'm still confused about the "Nice guy" thing (haven't yet heard about it here in Turnipland), but I believe term1nally s1ck talks about faked niceness, which is either downright cynical or stems from outdated ideals of chivalry or from a "masculinist" sense of being victimised*.

* "Baww, I'm a nice guy, why won't women date nice guys like me, baww..."