Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[AtlanteanTroll]

I'm totally sigging this.

Aww, no fair. That was directed at me!

[Keld Denar]

The second point to make is that you should go and take a bit of risk. By that I mean go out, go talk to girls you find interesting and make an effort to meet up with them. Suggest an activity for the both of you or simply ask one out on a date. It's important to make an effort yourself. You'll learn from the experience and grow less nervous.

When in doubt, as yourself...WWLD? What would loopy do?

Probably something both awesome and rediculous in equal parts.

EDIT: Where do you live? Are there generally large amounts of people around? If possible, join something like meetup.com and meet people with similar interests. You need to make FRIENDS before you can get a girlFRIEND. See that common root word there? Friend. You should probably be friends with someone before you attempt to enter into a relationship with them. That way you kinda know what kind of person they are. Don't think that just because you've never had a girlfriend you can't afford to be picky. There's nothing wrong with that.

[DeadManSleeping]

You make some odd assumptions about people your age. There's a lot more male virgins than you think.

In any case, I would mostly just be repeating what people above me said. Re-freaking-lax. Desperation has a bad stink to it, and the most attractive people are those who are in a good state without a partner to prop them up there.

[Ancano]

If I'm picky I'm going to die without ever kissing a girl. And I do take risks, and they never work out. I'm not afraid of asking people out, but every attempt thus far has resulted in rejection.

I'm a 4th year university student and I have literally zero female friends. My interests are incredibly nerdy (oots, computer games, etc) which can be quite a problem in terms of attracting girls. I hear myths of girls who are interested in that kind of stuff, but I have yet to meet one. Not that I have a problem with girls who are interested in more normal things, but it seems like they all have problems with me.

I don't think the assumptions I'm making are odd. I have yet to meet a single guy my age who hasn't been kissed, and I meet very few who are virgins. It's really hard not to be desperate at this point, I cant honestly say I'd refuse many girls. I graduate in just a few months and once I'm out of school it's going to be that much harder to meet girls. I'd like to at least kiss someone before graduating. It seems like most people get that over with in middle school.

[Serpentine]

Uh...
*raises hand*
*points at a dozen other females on the board*
We're not a myth...

What do you do when you ask someone out? How are you seeking to meet new people? Do you get your friends to introduce yourself to more people? Also: see the list I believe is linked to in the first post.

edit: Oh. Apparently not. Hrm.

edit mk. 2: Here we go.

[The Succubus]

Uh...
*raises hand*
*points at a dozen other females on the board*
We're not a myth...

Yes, you are. You're a delicious half-reptilian figment of my imagination.

[Serpentine]

Well, yeah. But not because I'm a female who likes nerdy stuff. That bits separate.

[The Succubus]

While there's a temptation to run with this joke for quite a few pages, I'm going to offer some input on this.

I was in exactly the same situation as Ancano and quite believed I was going to die in that situation. After all, when I was 17, everyone else was having sex except for me. The idea that perhaps there might be *other people not having sex* was ludicrous. It was all about me being a failure, me being ugly, me being socially awkward, me being unfit to contribute to the gene pool...

Had I actually engaged my brain for 2 seconds, instead of obsessively worrying, the thought might have occured that perhaps a large number of people bragging about "Oh, I plowed this chick last night," or "She got off with this random guy in a nightclub" might be...lying? That perhaps they were talking out of their backsides in order to fit in with their equally insecure friends?

In my case, part of the reason I was so concerned was largely through self-esteem and appearence concerns and Serpy's amazing list can help you with that. (I promise you'll feel like a new man once you've ticked off the list, or a new woman depending on preferences ).

The other part of course is confidence and I'd like to introduce you to someone. The person currently typing this is at work. He is confident - he *has* to be, because he works in the medical field. No patient wants to be treated by an audiologist that's panicking about whether he's done the test right or breaks down crying because he's having trouble coping with the workload. This is what I call my "Work Mask" and when I wear this I am a very different person to the slightly shy and awkward person I am at home.

For example, I went to visit my aunt a few months back with my folks for Mother's Day. My aunt mentioned that she was having trouble with her hearing and then I automatically put on my Work Mask, ask the usual patient interview questions, carried out some very basic checks. When I had finished and my aunt went to fetch some tea, I turned and saw my parents looking at me in a very funny way . They had picked up on the differences when my Work Mask was on and when it was off.

The interesting thing about masks is that the longer you wear one, the more it starts to rub off on you. I found that as my confidence grew at work, it *slowly* seeped into my personal life as well and began to use it. I used the small amount of confidence to expand my social activities, one example being a trip to an Introduction to M:TG being held at a local games store. Quite a lot of people attended and some of them were girls of roughly the same age as me. I made some passing acquaintences that evening and got to know a few of them a little better.

Increase your social circle and you'll increase your chances of meeting someone. Just remember to wear a mask occasionally....

[Serpentine]

Heh. My mum has what we call her "Doctor Voice". I find it really condescending, but apparently her patience like her/it because it's not condescending. Might just be that I hear her with the Doctor Voice turned off.

I think your last point is extra-important, though. It sounds tautological, but the best way to meet people is to know people. Specifically, to have the people you know introduce you to people they know.

[DeadManSleeping]

@Ancano: 1. People lie about their personal lives, especially to people they don't know well. And I can bet you haven't actually asked more than 10-15 guys

2. If you really despair for meeting intelligent girls, use demographics to your advantage. Females often avoid hanging out with other people who do mathematics/engineering/nerddom/whatever precisely because it's such an overwhelmingly male crowd. Try moving your life into circles like theater, art, history, and such. I can only think of one or two nerd girls I know whom I didn't meet through the Renaissance Faire troupe, and them I met through the people I did meet there. Okay, actually, I knew some from Japanese class, but I think that furthers my point.

You might find that some of them are exactly the type of person who would have been in the places you wanted to find them, but ducked out at least partially because of all the males.

[Castaras]

*waves* another mythical lady thing that likes nerdy stuff. There's quite a few of us at my uni, actually. Not as many as there are guys, sure, but we do exist!

[Form]

Indeed, there certainly are lovely nerdy girls out there and I don't think they're even that rare. It's just that you don't always find them in places where you might expect or think to look at first.

[Rawhide]

Ancano: A wild nerdy girl appeared!

Quick, throw a pokeball!

[Form]

Ancano: A wild nerdy girl appeared!

Quick, throw a pokeball!

Gotta catch 'em all!

[Sholos]

I need some comfort. I'm 22 years old, about to graduate from college, and I haven't yet kissed a girl. I've probably hugged members of the opposite sex less times than most guys my age have had sex.

I know it's bad to be desperate but at this point it's hard not to be. My predicament has led to some serious self esteem issues. I'm honestly afraid I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Same situation here, except I'm 26. And I've technically kissed a girl before, but not in what you'd consider a romantic fashion, and I've definitely never felt like anyone has found me attractive at all. Just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one out there like this. I definitely understand your worry about meeting people after college. Exactly what do people recommend for that? It's not like there's clubs to join.

[thamolas]

I'm a 4th year university student and I have literally zero female friends. My interests are incredibly nerdy (oots, computer games, etc) which can be quite a problem in terms of attracting girls. I hear myths of girls who are interested in that kind of stuff, but I have yet to meet one. Not that I have a problem with girls who are interested in more normal things, but it seems like they all have problems with me.

I have some advice for you:

1) Expand your style a bit. Not just to "attract girls", but because it's healthy to expand your appearance and self-definition. A flexible self-definition = a flexible mind, after all. The girls who have a girl-boner for nerdy guys often aren't nerdy girls themselves. For example, a lot of hipster-ish girls really go for nerdy guys, if the guys are flexible and open-minded enough to associate with people that they might think are a little outside of their sphere (and they often love video games and arty movies and find the theory of role-playing interesting, at the very least). In my own life, I used to veto friendships based on musical taste (very immature, I know, but this was over 10 years ago). Most people have horrible musical taste so, as you can imagine, I didn't have many friends at the time. Now, I'm at the other end of the spectrum in that anyone who piques my curiosity at all is potential friend (or at least acquaintance) material. To my surprise, since adopting this attitude, I have discovered that people outside my sphere aren't that different from me, as long as there is something that makes them interesting to me on some level. As you can imagine, I don't send out holiday cards anymore.

2) Develop non-nerdy interests and take sincere interest in your fellow non-nerdy-interest-enthusiasts. A friend of mind was so nerded-out that he had never been to bar, never bowled or golfed, didn't go outside in the daytime unless he was traveling somewhere (like a job or a parental visit) and he wondered why he didn't have non-nerd friends and didn't have a girlfriend. We had to sit down for a talk. And then we started going bowling once a month and went out to see some bands whenever we could. We even went to the beach in the summer. He made less-nerdy friends (but didn't give up any of his nerd-dom), lost a lot of weight because his self-esteem shot up, and landed a hot - and very, very nice - girlfriend.

3) Don't be afraid of other cultures. My fiance is Japanese. Since most of her friends are Japanese, I now have a lot of Japanese friends. And I discovered that they care a lot less about a person's nerdhood and various eccentricities (as long as they aren't boisterous). A good friend of mine moved to a country with a large immigrant Indian population. He had a hard time making friends until he (gradually) became friends with an Indian classmate. Then he found that Indian people view nerdiness in a different way that he could relate to. He's moving to India next week. And he's married, now. I'm not advocating fetishizing other cultures (and making a few assumptions about you, for which I apologize); I'm just saying that it is an easy way to expand your horizons and find people who often feel alien themselves and are open to new experiences (it's scary as heck moving to a new country where you have no friends or support base - and it can be a challenge finding friends who are "natives" who can help you with language and cultural skills). It's also fun to challenge stereotypes we might not even be aware that we have.

4) Practice. Just going out once or twice isn't going to make you a natural in a situation that's foreign to you. You've got to work at it. Really, the best advice I can give is to constantly change, grow, and evolve as a person. Challenge yourself and do the work. Take an acting class. Do yoga. Try things that might appear to be outside your comfort zone. Experiment. Every now and then try things that you already know you don't like. People change.

[H Birchgrove]

The Japanese don't like Brian Blessed? That makes me sad.

[Mando Knight]

Well, yeah. But not because I'm a female who likes nerdy stuff.

Yes, it totally is.

Acano, if you can't find nerdy girls at your university, you're probably not looking hard enough. (Some universities have an unspoken minimum nerdiness level...)

The Japanese don't like Brian Blessed? That makes me sad.

Despite being the country that produces some of the most hot blooded media around, they're actually overly polite and don't like excessive assertiveness in real life. I think the boisterous, larger-than-life characters were probably mostly inspired by the sheer amount of Western culture that came in after WWII.

[H Birchgrove]

Despite being the country that produces some of the most hot blooded media around, they're actually overly polite and don't like excessive assertiveness in real life. I think the boisterous, larger-than-life characters were probably mostly inspired by the sheer amount of Western culture that came in after WWII.

I see.

(I guess I could, for once, use my introvert shyness to my advantage, herp derp? )

[Reluctance]

It's not that cute geekettes don't exist. It's more that any decent one can take her pick of the available nerdboys. Joining in the mass-fetishization only means that you're trying to compete with a lot of guys for a relatively scarce resource. Which doesn't help when you're painfully shy and often overlooked. You'll be better served in underhunted fields like fat chicks.

If it helps you gain perspective, though, think how many other painfully shy, often overlooked guys you know. People who draw attention to themselves tend to get laid more often, for reasons I hope are obvious. So trying to compare your introverted love life with an extrovert's is going to be unfair, and shouldn't be a basis for anything.

[H Birchgrove]

Really, "chasers" of any kind are disturbing and probably to be avoided.

[The Succubus]

Really, "chasers" of any kind are disturbing and probably to be avoided.

What about whiskey chasers?

[H Birchgrove]

What about whiskey chasers?

There are people who get aroused by sticking their stuff in a glass of whiskey? Gods, that must hurt... Or are they sticking their stuff into whiskey bottles? Because that... must require some talent I'm not aware of.

I'll stop now.

[Mando Knight]

Probably aroused by the thought of drinking the whole bottle in one sitting, actually.

[Greensleeves]

Earlier today (well, yesterday) I was having coffee with this woman I fancy. (Geeky girl, by the way.) There's a lot of chemistry between us, unless I'm completely misinterpreting the situation, but... well, let's just leave at "It's complicated." Anyway, it did feel as at least a pseudo-date before and during our coffee.

Thing is, I realised something about me during the half hour or so leading up to it: I was incredibly nervous. Hands trembling a bit, heart beating very fast, the bubbly feeling in your stomach. When I thought about it, I realised I actually don't have very much experience with the early stages of dating (which this probably won't ever be due to previously mentioned "complicated" status) due to having been in a relationship for the last three years.

I'm actually not entirely sure why I'm posting this. I don't really have any problems I can't deal with on my own rather easily. The nervousness isn't debilitating at all, just something unexpected. I have some self-esteem issues but none I can't deal with, and as it is now I'm planing on making my feelings towards her explicit sometime this week or next. She has basically made the situation as explicit as possible without actually saying the words bluntly, so I'm not worried about being rejected (well, not per se. Complicated, as previously mentioned).

And now this has turned into a very rambling post. I'll just stop now.

[Coidzor]

Probably aroused by the thought of drinking the whole bottle in one sitting, actually.

That hurts my imagination. Ow.

*waves* another mythical lady thing that likes nerdy stuff. There's quite a few of us at my uni, actually. Not as many as there are guys, sure, but we do exist!

Yes, yes, you're totes adorbs and hate being flirted with badly.


Actually, that probably bears pointing out. Wasn't there even an XKCD strip on the subject of over-fetishization and the clumsy flirting that such women face?

[Serpentine]

This one? Or perhaps this one?

[The Succubus]

Wait, do all cute geeky girls come with a free EMP cannon?

My gf's been holding out on me!

[Wyntonian]

I have a budding theory, not unlike rule 34, that if something is relevant to human existence in the realms of relationships, technology, or the people involved in either of these, there is an xkcd strip of it. And for that, may the FSM by praised.

[Vacant]

Probably aroused by the thought of drinking the whole bottle in one sitting, actually.

Oh man, yes.