D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

[Dr Bwaa]

Long-awaited (mostly, or at least most vocally, by mebecronck, I think) critiques! Finally, you can stop doing the double-post-merge thing! Also, I'm glad I'm not the only one who does that

@Lord Raziere

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Quote 1

These are all last resorts in social manipulation, especially for a spell caster.

Oh, I like her already.

you have to use as little magic as possible, you have to know how they think

That comma should be a semicolon, since it's dividing two complete thoughts.

The skill of a manipulator lies in how much power she does not need to wield herself to get other people to wield power for her.

I'm with you until the end of this sentence--it's still technically okay, but a little twisty for my tastes. I might break it up in a sort of "the skill of a manipulator lies not in how much of her own power she can use, but in how little" way.

The very best manipulators don't even need to lie. They just give the needed information for people to make the assumptions that you want them to make...

You're doing a lot of perspective-switching (between "you" and "she" and "they" and back to "you"). Try to stick with just one, or maybe two if you can get away with it smoothly.

They just give the needed information for people to make the assumptions that you want them to make and connect the dots you want connected, and then to act on their own conclusions, and thus even if you are found out, the only role in it they can accuse you of is being a bad informant, when most of the blame rests upon themselves for their actions.

This is a really long sentence. It's hard to follow on the page, and if you imagine someone speaking it (as this is a quote), it's much more difficult. If you break it up into more discrete ideas, I would say this is probably at least three sentences.

Of course, truth-twisting while great tool, is not the only one.

If you want to keep the word order the same, you need a comma after "truth-twisting". I'd probably rearrange this sentence, though; it's not very natural-sounding (and you want a quote from a skilled manipulator to be natural-sounding!).

there are times when an outright lie, or a spell is needed.

*capital T
I'd also probably continue to emphasize the avoidance of spells: "or even a spell..."

I however recommend that one often include elements of the truth even in their lies.

*I, however, recommend... (or change the word order to be more natural)

You've got a couple other problems here: first, you've switched perspective again to a third-person impersonal ("one"), which just seems really out of place. Second, "one" is singular: it does not agree with "their lies". You've been using "she" as your go-to pronoun, so "often include elements of truth, even in her lies." (also note the comma)

This makes them more grounded in reality, also don't go over board with lies.

This should be two sentences.

Spells, are a last resort

No comma necessary after "Spells".

With lies, there is a higher risk of people finding out that what you said was false and thus doing something differently.

Don't introduce a paragraph about spells and then immediately change the topic to lies. It's jarring.

Sure more power is gained in what you can tell them to do, but doing so runs the risk that very same power and control being broken or rendered useless.

Comma after "sure"; you're missing an "of" after "risk", and break up this sentence a little.

Always solve a problem with a dagger if you can, never be afraid to use a hammer when its appropriate, and always keep your sword at the ready when neither will suffice."

*it's
I might also change the end of this sentence since the "neither" is a little too vague--maybe just "when it's necessary". I do really like this phrase on the whole, though.

Quote 2

The true limit of a manipulator however is knowledge.

Commas before and after "however"

Being caught with equal knowledge to your foe, is like being caught in a fair fight.

No comma here.

Sure its possible

Comma after "sure"

Furthermore, know the people around you, know their capabilities and their weaknesses.

That comma after "you" should be a semicolon instead.

what buttons they react to

I know what you mean, but this is an awkward phrase.

carry out any of your orders when don't even trust them

Missing a "you" in there.

paranoia is a self-fulfilling prophecy

Capital P.

Quote 3

There are a few reasons I wield a trident.

This is surprising news!

One is so that people who don't know who I am will assume that I can and will use it and therefore will focus on the trident and will be surprised when I cast a spell.

This is a pretty long, convoluted sentence. I'd replace "don't know who I am" with "don't know me", and try to take out some of the other extraneous stuff ("and will", for instance, is not necessary). That, or make this two sentences so it might flow better. The same goes for the next sentence. While I appreciate the symmetry, you can keep the comparison while still making readable sentences.

The misdirection works both ways.

I like this whole little quote, and all that it implies. I think this is actually the strongest of the three, because it's short and to-the-point, instead of being overly-expository.

@mebecronck
I really wish there were a way to get notified when a post is edited. So far I have not found one.

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Jessica 4 Response

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There were no officers on the other side of the window. They would only be present if this was an official interrogation. They are actually hesitant to officially admit that she is present in the building at this moment.

So you're saying no one was interested in the angel in the interrogation room?

Jessica 6 Response

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I don't know if you meant it this way, but I read that as Aladdin singing.

Of course I did

The Hostage Response

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That "OH." tells me I did my job. I wanted you surprised that it was Mister Jefe at this point.

Here's the problem: yeah, I was surprised, but that surprise doesn't have a positive effect on me. What it does is make me realize that my mental representation of the previous sequence was wrong, which breaks me out of the story. I'd have been no less surprised if you told me who he grabbed while it was happening, except that I would have been able to stay immersed throughout the scene instead of having to go back and recreate everything to fit with the new information. This kind of surprise reveal can work in a movie, where the visuals are being presented directly, but in text you're relying on the audience to create the scene, and leaving out information mostly just makes it more difficult for the reader to "get into it".

Critique of PM's Snippet
I also wanted to mention that your critique of PaperMustache's snippet is basically correct, in that Mya is the main character of the story, not Sam (the narrator in the latest snippet). It might make more sense if you read the preceding snippets in this series ("The Curse"). This snippet served to give the reader some distance from Mya, since she's (I'm guessing, anyway) going to go off the deep end eventually.

---Actual Comments---

JMHS 7

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"Of course she didn't take the offering." A calm voice comes from a shadowy corner of the room.

Oooh. The plot, she thickens.

A corner that was a moment before well lit.

This is not a sentence.

He moves with well practiced posture

No need for "well"; it's just awkward. For that matter, you use "well X" too much in general; I count three occurrences in this paragraph alone.

"You gave a horrible interview to the angel."

lol

"Just look at yourself." The man snaps at him.

I'm going to keep harassing you about this, once per snippet, until it sticks: end the quote with a comma if the sentence continues, like this one.

Also, you don't need "at him" on there. There are only two characters involved. "Just look at yourself," the man snaps.

His eyes bloodshot and clothes flea ridden.

This is not a sentence. Also, flea-ridden should be hyphenated.

"There; there." The man in the tuxedo says in a calming voice.

Comma, not semicolon.

Michael takes a few deep breathes

*breaths

"I will be honest with you," the man lays one hand on Michael's shoulder, "It sounds silly.

lol again. Now here you've got the comma, but it's not really appropriate! This is really two sentences, '"I will be honest with you."' and 'The man lays one hand on Michael's shoulder, "It sounds silly."'

"You said it yourself. The angel comes to reap the souls of two-thirds the population of the planet. That means one-third must be saved. You must prepare that one-third."

Uh. Hm.

"And should you find some wanting along the way, I'm sure the angel wouldn't mind if you made her job easier." The man in the tuxedo summons an ebony dagger from his coat.

Naturally.

"Jack. Son." The man says with a wicked smile.

"I understand. From this day forth," Michael stands upright trying to imitate the tuxedoed man's perfect posture, "I am Pastor Jackson."

This is a great end to the snippet, and a very nice snippetty twist in general.

The Meeting

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"I hate wizards." Though I don't have any other choice.

Using quotes here makes for a kind of strange cold-open, since we never see who he was talking to. The rest of this opening paragraph is great, though.

Calling in a favor with wizards is never a good idea. Their ego leads them to believe that their return service is always superior than whatever you did for them. You call in a favor with a wizard and you wind up in debt.

You've got plurality issues throughout this paragraph. It first sounds like you did one favor for a bunch of wizards, and then they (a bunch of wizards) do one thing for you... It would be cleaner if you stuck with the entirely-single thing you've got going on in the final sentence.

this place could pass for one the circles of hell.

Comic-Con.

I can't argue with his reasoning, though. He will definitely blend in.

Fair.

He is dressed in red robes with arcane patterns covering over every inch of it.

They match with the tattoos

One thing that does concern me.

Get rid of extraneous words. That last one isn't even a sentence until you take "that" out.

"Hey, grandpa! Your cosplay SUCKS!" Some foolish teenager shouts at the red wizard as he passes by.

lol

It makes them easier to look down on me.

*makes it easier for them... ?

he has studied extensively one of the more trivial fields of magic

"studied extensively" works fine on its own, but since you're using "studied" in a transitive sense here, you probably want a different phrase. "he has extensive knowledge of", for instance.

soccer moms everywhere concerned over whether or not their husband is cheating on them.

Keep your plurality in check--this phrase indicates quite clearly that "soccer moms everywhere" share a single husband. Though in context, that's kind of funny, I don't think it's what you're going for.

Devlin still smiles. Not once has the expression dropped.

This dude is getting creepy.

Thazar points his finger Devlin.

Missing an "at", and you could probably stand to either remove "his finger" (redundant) or use a more evocative word than "point".

Devlin turns and walks away. Thazar hovers just long enough to say, "You owe us for this."

Classy. Fun snippet overall; I'm quite intrigued. I guess I'll have to wait for Devlin the creepy diviner to figure out what's up, though.

Football

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Thazar's magic

Has this crossover been going on the whole time and I just missed it until now?? I mean, I get that a lot of your stories are tied together in one way or another, but stil...

goatball

Oh my god.

Jessica clings to her entry ticket with both hands. She is hopping with each step she takes.

Great image.

The aroma of grilled hot dogs and burgers finally hit him and he starts to drool.

*hits, and I was wondering how long this would take haha.

Jessica pulls out a book and starts flipping through the pages. "It looks like both are correct."

hahaha what a nerd.

"You have never been to a football game before, have you?"

"No, sir."

lol

"It's no problem. My name is Don Hayes, but my friends call me Donny."

It's always funny to see how many real-world characters you sneak into these.

All the while the guy behind them has been a complete nuisance.

Comma after "while"

the Trojan's now have possession of the ball.

No apostrophe needed here.

The quarterback is running across the field and there is no one in his way to prevent a touchdown.

Now it's now completely clear, but it sounds like the Trojans got an interception? (based on the "now" in the previous sentence). If that's the case, it's pretty unlikely that the QB would be on the field. And if that's not what's going on, it's probably worth clarifying that the Trojans already had the ball.

"Argh! You stupid bitch." The man in the shirt shouts, "I knew there was something I didn't like about you. Damn Trojan girl."

Had to happen eventually. And Cronc was being so well-behaved, too!

The man throws his bag of peanuts at Jessica.

This man spent $200 before the game on his food arsenal.

"You keep out of this prick, this is between me and teen Barbie bitch here."

Ouch. Also, comma after the first "this".

The shirtless man clinches his fists.

*clenches ("clinch" is to settle or confirm)

Cronc does his best to restrain himself for even a moment. He grabs some money from his pocket and hands it to Jess. "U go git u snakks. Wi," Cronc pauses looking for the right word, "tawk. Wi tawk, yah." This is the most restraint Cronc has ever used in his life. To him, it is painful.

Oh my god Cronc is adorable.

Football is not for you valley bitches anyways.

This line is really stilted; I cannot for the life of me picture this raging shirtless jackass saying "football is not for you".

"You loud mouth punk. I should knock your teeth out." Donny starts to remove his shirt and start a fight.

You don't need "and start a fight". The intent is plenty obvious to everyone who isn't Jess.

Cronc turns around and slams one fist into the shirtless man, pinning him into the back of his seat. "U MAEK JESS CRIE!"

There it is!

"Come ... on ..." the shirtless man chokes out the words, "It's just ... compe ...tition."

This doesn't make sense to me. I have no idea why this man would utter those words.

"Maybe, I'm just don't fit in with these sports games." Jessica tries to hold back the tears.

You don't need that comma, and *I. Also, is she saying this out loud?

"Is that ...," Jessicca says in disbelief. She sees a shirtless man flying between the goal posts.

lol. Wonderful.

"NO WUN MESS WIT CRONC ... eh ..." he looks for the word, "NICE!"

"Niece," Jessica corrects.

haha.

He will be in a body cast for a year, but he will be okay."

hahahaha what??

For some reason this snippet is a particular gem, even among the other Cronc shorts. Enjoyable on every readthrough

The Hostage (second draft)

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Without further adieu

Okay, I didn't mention it before but you're doing it a whole bunch now: the word is "ado", meaning "fuss", "activity", or "bother".

"Adieu" means farewell in French (literally a dieu, [I commend you] to God).

The guy I'm impersonating liked to smoke. That got him killed. His body is now in a dumpster outside the back door. I used the magic woven into my clothes to change them into his. The magic hides my tools and weapons. I used a few makeup tricks to make myself look exactly like him. I picked up his gun to complete the disguise. I don't know how to use the damn thing, but I can hold it like I know what to do.

I'm not allowed in the room that is holding the hostage. I can look inside thanks to my cat, Lucky. With a simple arcane spell I can look through her eyes. She is perched on a high window on the southern wall. She can see the man tied to the chair. Mister Jefe is taking a break from beating him in the face.

This is an awful lot of really simple sentences back to back to back. Try to combine or rephrase a couple of them to make the flow of the prose feel a little less repetitive.

Through Lucky's eyes I examine the room in detail.

Comma after "eyes".

This helps my smoke bomb.

Well, not really. It does make your bomb more effective, though.

I hate drug dealers with a particular passion

Motive! Huzzah!

Lucky, still being my eyes in the room can see that the smoke is starting to clear up.

Comma after "room".

A little smarter than the average thug in my opinion.

Comma after "thug".

His tone of voice is not to far off from my natural speaking voice.

*too

It is not a typical spanish accent.

Capital S in "Spanish".

I want him to know. I am not afraid.

I'd combine these. Also, good job setting up the whole fear thing before this. It makes this moment much more understandable. However, this scene lacks the intimate intensity that the previous version had. I think two things could help that. One, put the reasoning for what you're about to do in a new paragraph before this paragraph, and then group all your actions together like you had originally (knifing him, grabbing his head, stare into his eyes until he's dead). That will preserve the brutality of that moment better. Two, you could consider giving Master Jefe a little (very little) agency here; leting him have an action--choking, eyes rolling around frantically; etc.

"GET IN THERE AND KILL THAT PENDEJO!"

This is a much better way to get out. Kudos.

I will be safely away from the building, watching the fire works with Lucky.

*"fireworks" is one word. Also, lol. So much for stealth, I guess?

This is a good revision. You've definitely addressed the main points without overexposing, and we got to see a little more characterization for our "hero". Good stuff.

Ethereal

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He creatively named the old building The Spook House. Appropriate for the imagination of someone almost eight.

I'd take this out. The Spook House is good on its own, and it was obviously named by children--but the effect is ruined if you call attention to it.

Being oldest makes him feel like he is in charge, despite being the shortest.

SDT! This whole sentence could easily be condensed to a couple of words in the sentence where he's introduced.

"I can't stay in there for an hour, my curfew is in thirty minutes," Bobby tries to escape, "Guess I will have to do it some other time."

Oh no sorry guys gotta go bye!

gives the building the perfect atmosphere to call it The Spook House.

Nope, stop mentioning the specific name.

It also has the same effect as two magnets with the same poles pointing at each other. The closer Bobby gets to the front door, the slower he moves.

haha okay this is really good.

"Come on! CHIKEN!" All the kids start clucking and flapping their arms.

If only they could spell, though

The kids didn't even get detention.

Whew. It's nice to put in this reminder that this is a kids' "folk tale" rather than necessarily a real thing. Yep. Definitely not a real thing.

The screen turns glows blue.

Something is wrong with this sentence here.

They are not crawling. They are hovering. Their wings are not even flapping. Cockroaches, spiders, flies, and other insects he doesn't recognize are hovering inches off the ground and moving in tight circles.

Awesome.

The walls glow with the blue light, making everything seem blue.

No iris, no pupils, just black. Ebony black eyes.

She is looking right at him. Her whole head has turned to face his directly.

Get rid of redundant stuff.

Her mouth opens slowly and she sings.

What does ghost girl sound like?!?!? Super important moment and I can't envision it!

Bobby can see her body is transparent, as he can see the TV through her dress.

Combine this into one thought. "Bobby can see right through her body to the TV across the room" or something.

Her head hanging low, with her stringy hair covering her face.

Her head inches away from his.

Her stringy hair parting to reveal her face.

Just pure black.

None of these are sentences. You tend to do this a lot. These sort of add-on descriptions can usually just be attached, as-is, to the end of the previous sentence, with a comma. "She lifts her head slowly, her stringy hair parting to reveal her face".

He stretches his arms and then looks down. His eyes open wide in terror. His flashlight is at the end of his bed. He didn't pick it up before he left The Spook House. How did it get here?

This would be much more effective if you mentioned him leaving the flashlight behind as he's running from The Spook House. Then you just describe the flashlight now sitting at the end of the bed, with the note, without having to be explicit about "GET IT THE GHOST OF SUZIE SYDELL MUST HAVE BROUGHT IT BACK."

Anyway, I enjoyed it Especially the meat of the snippet, set inside the house; that was very effective.

Teacher Parent Conference

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"Thank you," Jessica tries to hold back tears, "Do you think Janet will be mad? I still have to give her the letter."

Tthhhhhpoilerthhhh!!!

...Man that word looks just awful all dragged out like that and with one capital letter. Man.

"YOUR DAD!" Isabelle's voice breaks an octave in terror, "As in, rain death upon the legions of Hell, feel my wrath, stand before me and suffer damnation, DAD!"

"One and the same," Jessica sighs and walks up to him.

haha I like Isabelle.

Isabelle takes several steps back away from him.

You could possibly replace the struck-out stuff with "instead" or something similar.

Jack is in a human form. His wings are gone and his eyes look normal, except the iris is pure white.

This is way too exposition-y. First, we already know he's in human form because that's how you described him in the first place, standing between them and the bus. Second, we already know what he looks like in general, and third, even if we didn't, anything you say here is totally irrelevant compared to Isabelle's description of him. You probably don't need any part of this paragraph.

"What are you doing here father?"

Comma after "here".

Jack says in flat tones that doesn't match his angry expression.

"Tones" is plural; it should agree with "don't". Or else "in a flat tone that doesn't..."

and enunciate each word perfectly.

Missing an s.

Isabelle walks around Jack as he passes by, keeping a wide gap around him. She runs up to Jessica and asks in a panicked voice, "Your dad isn't about to kill Mr. Pierson, is he?"

Again, great moment for Isabelle.

"I will stand."

Poor Mr. Pierson.

"You will be silent, or I will silence you."

Oh Jesus Christ. You really have no sense of subtlety at all, do you Jack?

The painted cinderblocks that make the walls slowly transform into polished marble. The carpeted floor becomes solid, smooth stone.

This is awesome.

"Jessica, what did you have trouble with?"

Heh. Well, it's hard to argue with his results. This was a good snippet; the only major thing I'd change is that this "epilogue" secion is needlessly long. All we really need to know is that Mr. Pierson changed his ways, but we get a whole lot more than that--seeing the formation of the study group is nice, but not super necessary. I think the snippet has more of a punch if we follow Mr. Pierson instead, transitioning from when he runs out of the room to when he walks back in the next day.

My Impatience

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I hope you don't mind that I'm not doing a big critique on this one. I did really enjoy it, though Poor Cat 4 and Cat 5. At least they died in the name of SCIENCE! Do you want it in the archive? Can used fondue pots access the internet?

JMHS 8

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Navy retired myself," he snaps himself out of recalling the old days, "Open the door. I want to speak with her myself."

I think you could just remove the second one.

Janet laughes while looking at the attendee sideways.

*laughs

He waves her off with his hand.

How else would he wave her off? With his foot?

She restrains herself from opening the bag herself to check it out.

More restraint than I have, that's for sure.

She says beaming a smile at The Chief.

Comma after "says".

You can call me The Chief, everyone else does."

That should be a semicolon.

"A pleasure to meet you Chief Anders." Jessica says still beaming a smile.

Comma after "you", comma after "says", and that should be a comma after "Anders".

She sees the guard stands at attention right in the doorway.

*stand, I think?

"So your dad killed Hamilcar Barca?" Chief Anders says, laughing between words.

Oh my God what? Is the Chief that much of a history nerd??

"What? No, I don't need Sherry anymore." Jessica's face turns red as she starts looking back and forth between Janet and Chief Anders.

hahahahahahahaha. YES.

"Are you certain? I recall you have trouble sleeping without her."

I'm on Team Dad for Most Obnoxious Dad.

"Good night, father." Jessica says between her teeth. Hoping to end the conversation.

Despite how you've written it, this is one sentence, and therefore it should only have one period. The other ones should be commas.

She whispers, "The teddy bear my dad made for me."

The rest of this scene is gold.

"Okay," Chief Anders takes a long pause, "Is he still listening."

That should end with a "?"

Janet answers, "Probably, but he won't answer unless we say something to him." Janet tries to hold back her laughter.

Should this actually be Janet both times, or should the second one be Jessica? I just can't really tell. If it's Janet both times, you can just refer to her as "She". Anyway, fun as ever and it's good to see that Jessica makes friends out of everyone she meets. I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being an actual hidden benefit of being half-deva. One overall critique is that Janet seems overly... peppy, or enthusiastic, in this one. She spends an awful lot of time laughing, compared to previous snippets.

---Response to Critique---

Response to your critique of Slime, Muck, and Filth Part I

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Curse you Gods of Ironic Humor!

I do try to slip in as much humor as I can, even though this is a pretty grim situation. I have to get some jokes in while I can though, because things are going to get pretty dark in a couple more chapters.

The Devil, "He really thinks Hell couldn't be worse than being submerged is sewage." He starts laughing, and nudges Jack with his elbow.

Pretty much, yep! Claaus is tough and loyal to his friends, but he's not awfully imaginative lol.

Also, I'm disappointed in you. They are in the sewers, surrounded by crap, and you didn't make one fart joke. Not one! I had higher hopes for you.

How would anyone have noticed?

Although, I feel Filbert wasn't as well developed as the others. I could tell a lot about Nim and our hero, but Filbert just seems a bit generic.

I know. part of that is his character and part of it is that the guy who plays him doesn't characterize him as well as the rest of the party, so I just don't have as much to go on. I've got some good scenes with him coming up, though, so hopefully I'll get a chance to work him out a little more. Though really what I need to do is fix this snippet, since he actually gets some spotlight in here.

Anyway, one million thanks for your comments!!

@Winds

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The Truth

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They're both so dedicated to doing the right thing that I'm certain I can trust them.

haha.

Kol waves as to silence.

*us?

What do you sense? Or you Aileph?

At the very least, the second paragraph needs a comma after "you". The real problem here is that this dialogue just isn't very natural.

I choke back a scream-something I'm quite adept at now...and return to the group.

Generally speaking, use the same punctuation to set off an interjection on both sides. So "I chock back a scream--something I'm quite adept at now--and return to the group." I also prefer double-hyphens (in this format where you can't easily get long-dashes) to distinguish hyphenated words from long-dash-style hyphens.

"Warlock...ya look like you've seen a ghost."

Jessica giggles at that.

Oh good, I'm not the only one.

Then...I guess we do it direct.

This is a weird thing to say. From later on I gather than he meant "just open the door" but that's not at all clear from this phrasing.

"Kalach, can it hurt a ghost?"

"Almost certainly.

I feel like he'd say this whether or not he knew anything at all about a particular foe, lol.

The quick-thinking scout managed to pull the sword free.

I'd clarify that this is the pedestal sword ("...free from the...") rather than the one the Pit Fiend is holding. I did a double-take when reading it the first time.

"No one should, yet. This time, you need to listen to me."

You should mention that this is Kalach talking. In fact, this is true in a lot of your snippets. You've got a cast that's large enough to cause confusion, and you tend not to mention who's saying anything in particular, which makes the scene hard to picture and hurts the characterization of the non-Kalach party members because I can't always attribute words to them properly.

"I need to tell you more about the towers...and what happened to me when I drew from the deck.

You see, my soul was carried...well, to where we just were. Asmodeus...has been watching us. He did not care for my part in opposing his plans. He hurt me. A lot. But then, the balance card hit...and he made me a deal. He put me back...and told me to keep going. See, these towers...accidentally tied into the great magic that keeps him from working directly outside the Nine. Each tower lost weakens that spell...lets him use more power."

I was wondering when he'd get around to telling people this, lol. Also, you need a new open-quote at the beginning on the new paragraph, to signal that someone is still speaking.

Kol looks concerned, which is about the same by his standards.

This is funny, though I think it could be phrased more strongly.

Jessica speaks up shyly.

"Um...we could claim it for my father..."

Hoo boy.

I also feel a pain in my stomach. I look down to see the greatsword in the being's hands, and the fact that my ghostly body is already fading into ectoplasm.

"Interesting...choice..."

...huh. Now, here's another huge place where I need to know who's talking: is it Kalach or the guy stabbing him (Jack, yes?)? Incidentally yes, great cliffhanger

...And Other Returns

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"I wish you had not done that" he says. "Our agreement may have kept me from interfering with your life, but I do not tolerate Evil in my presence."

Sometimes I forget that this is the same world as the one mebecronck writes in. It probably has to do with the fact that mebecronck has at least twoish alternate-universe versions of Jessica, lol.

The deity continues as if neither Jessica not Aileph had interrupted him.

*nor

he grabs me by the head-and my head fills with something of the nature of the higher planes.

Why use a dash here? A comma would do just fine, no?

"I will not be your patron. You will not pray to me."

For once, I can't think of a sour remark to that.

Alternate title for this snippet: Kalach Gets Out-Sassed.

Still like a flame inside me...but more like I'm surrounded rather than ignited.

This... is kind of hard to picture. But I guess that makes sense.

It feels good. Better than I've felt about it in a long time.

Is Kalach feeling... happy?

"Yes, Jessica. Just one problem."

"What is it?"

"I do not like your father."

Hahaha. Aaand the sass is back. Well done.

@Arkhosia

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The dark elf, wearing a green blouse, purple cap and cape, and short blue skirt, leaning against the wall with her legs crossed and right arm holding a card deck, gestures toward her left where two figures stood.

This is a good description, but it reads as really long, essentially since it's dropped in between two bits of dialogue. I think I might split this into two sentences and set the description before the quote.

"I thought we agreed that you wouldn't call us that!

Okay first, this is great, and second, it should be in a new paragraph since it's a new speaker.

Besides, your parents named you Roadkill!

Uhhhh...

The eladrin made a throwing gesture, and an illusory tankard of ale flew at Caelynn and shattered.

hahaha. I like these guys. You've got a good barroom atmosphere going here.

And I told you to call me The magnificent Mage and maelstrom of misorder!

You need to either capitalize all the big words, or none of them. Doing just the leading "The" and the "Mage" is really awkward. Also, lol.

And my backstory is awesome! The readers love a party magician.

Is this... echoes of SleepyShadow's party? Do we have OOC text getting interpreted literally? Oh I do hope so; I miss those snippets.

I like this intro/interview setup, haha. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this. Are you literally asking for people to give you character bios as "applicants"?

@Doxkid

First, let me reiterate my welcome, and clarify that I at least try to give some comments on every snippet that comes through here. If you have requests for a more in-depth critique, or one with a different focus, just let me know and I'll see what I can do. If you'd prefer I not critique your work at all, just say so! Now, onwards!

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In the small Halfling forest

I know what you mean here, but this still gave me the mental image of a forest where all the trees are Halflings

Merely carrying this baby had increased his mother’s power tenfold

Woah.

None commented on the small silver locket she carried...

This whole passage is lovely.

elders humbly offered her their own names for the infant.

Humbly, indeed.

His aunts and uncles laughed. “We’ve a little paladin in our midst!” they exclaimed.

This is a great image.

Within months though, the sand returned to choking life from the forest.

You're doing a great job with this sand. It has just enough presence to be menacing.

Seven of the mightiest mages from the forest joined their magic and collectively purged the land of this subtle blight. Within seconds it was back, dripping from every creature and plant like morning dew disturbed from its place upon a leaf.

This is a great cinematic event. Your descriptions please me.

her answers were always vague and cheering, but her tone spoke of a horror none would survive.

Well, that escalated quickly.

As the sun set and Barnabas came home to ask another round of questions about the ‘Why’ and the ‘How’ of life, his mother drew her sword

This juxtaposition is pretty alarming. Did you intend it? The sentence itself is a bit garden-pathy, as well.

waking Barnabas at her feet which had not once moved even though the sand now flowed like water over her boots.

How was he sleeping like this? Or rather, how did he manage to sleep in a sand river without drowning?

once or twice-walked paths in the forests depths.

There should be a hyphen after "once" to signify that it's part of the upcoming compound word-phrase, and "forests" should be "forest's".

afraid for the first time since their lives had ended and began anew.

*begun, I believe.

of a warrior isolated from their comrades by the ennobled deaths upon the battlefield.

*her, *their

as her cried finally fell silent

*cries

a path of barely illuminating fallen foes

*illuminated?

employing complex tactics that afforded them true death by her hand half a second after their peers.

lol

Even spells washed over her, painting the landscape but unable to slow her beyond the minor effort of shifting to weather magic meant for her son.

This is a little awkward, mainly the bolded part. It took me a couple of tries to figure out what you were saying here.

“Impressive.” A man chimed in

As we don't have an actual speaker yet, "a man's voice"? Also, I'd probably make that period a comma.

life eating monstrosities

Hyphenate "life-eating".

two gentlemen and a gentle-gator

hahahaha. I like this guy.

releasing an overly long tongue tipped with sharp talons.

Zombies released slow pulses of air that might have been giggles if produced by any other being.

Ew.

...

I need more! This was a great snippet all the way through. Lots of history; lots of vivid descriptions. I hope you're planning to come back with more some day.

@Lord_Gareth

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she has a reputation for Standards - something that turns off most mercenary groups, but a sure sign to us that she was worth working for.

Heh. I'm not sure I understand the implication at the end here, though. "We" prefer to work for people who do a good job? Who are thorough? What's the motivation? This could be saying a number of different things, but it's not at all clear which may not may not be intended.

His build was lean, not mighty

That's a great phrase.

He seemed shy, not solemn, and avoided contact with us for as long as he could.

Three days out, we started finding the bodies.

Uh. Incidentally, we've now moved to three days since the day the speaker met Sir Varren, but it's not clear why the speaker should already know "that Sir Varren was an unhappy person". It seems like they've barely interacted!

"Well..." I hesitated, then took in a deep breath. "I kinda wanted to ask why you're always apart. You're welcome around the fire any time, y'know?"

Well written.

"Miss...?" he inquired.

Pretty significant that they've been traveling "together" for at least three days, and he hasn't even actually met them yet.

His own shadow huddled at his feet, cowering in terror, trying to avoid the crushing hooves and sweeping claws of the fiendish shadows around him.

Jesus.

Sir Varren lit his cigar and took a deep drag, his eyes wet with shameful tears that refused to fall.

"No reason, Miss Kestrel," he muttered, his voice tight. He snuffed the tindertwig with his fingers. "No reason at all."

Rhere's a lot of really intense possibility in this snippet. I really hope you continue this story; I'd love to hear more. Incidentally, I put this under Vivienne Kestrel in the archive since that's the perspective we have, but would it be more appropriate to label it with Sir Varren's name, or something else altogether? Anyway, this story feels like it has a lot of potential; I hope there's more to come. As ever, your pacing and tone are spot-on.

@PaperMustache

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Oh I could think of a few things. For one she would never leave that library.

Commas after "oh" and "one".

Like she thought she was going to die not knowing everything there was to know about everything.

Heh. Good characterization of both of them, here.

I was day dreaming again

I believe "daydreaming" is one word.

"Mya? You're sort of scaring me." I ventured.

"What?! No I'm not!" She said way too defensively.

Haha. "You're totally not scared! Trust me!"

Her aunts and uncle would always say she was a miniature copy of her father. They didn't know her like I did.

Or rather, they didn't know her father like [I feel like they should for vague yet menacing reasons].

"...so apparently my family is cursed and everybody here is crazy so I just need to leave town, okay? Because I'm the only sane one!" I had been daydreaming again. I had missed what she was so upset about!

"Uh...you sound real sane." I ventured.

hahaha.

"Good!" She said quickly. "Now pop quiz, what tenants do you vow to uphold as an agent of the Brotherhood?"

This moment is very effective. However, the word you're looking for is "tenets".

The entire walk back to her house was a never ending quiz on brotherhood tenants.

*neverending is one word as well, I think. Also, "tenets" again.

She barked, and quoted and recited the entire way home

Either no commas, or put one after "quoted".

It seemed Mya always knew where her father was, and it seemed like they were both always in the library.

Totally unrelated facts, here I like Sam's characterization so far. The perspective shift is working fine.

It was a modest room with a massive bookshelf that took up the back wall.

That doesn't sound particularly modest.

"Sam, is this really what you want?"

"Um, yes sir!" I blurted out uncertainly.

haha.

I gave her a little squeeze from the side that I could tell completely ruined her attempt at looking confident and independent. She huffed, but her father smiled.

This is another really good moment. I like Sam's totally carefree attitude towards ruining all Mya's pretensions.

Gods, in this business, that statement could easily be a death threat!

This whole scene is very strange and very powerful. You were going for "ambiguously motivated?" Mission accomplished!

Their faces were obscured, but they wore the sigil of the Brotherhood, an eye open before a crescent moon, in silver around their necks.

I am reminded of this:

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in service to the world. ours is not to rule

*Capital O

and the hooded figures muttered it with him, which have me a start.

*gave

"May your eyes be open in the darkness."

This is a really good meaningless parting phrase, haha.

My stomach turned at the thought of blood. "Ugh, I'm glad! I would have run screaming and your mom woulda had to kill me!"

Ah, youth!

Anyway, I think I can reiterate "mission accomplished". Sam isn't as developed as Mya is yet, but it seems like you have a good grasp on her personality and we should get to see more with time. Also, that is a hell of a prequel teaser, so I have to vote for it. Plus I like Dad anyway.

[Arkhosia]

@Dr Bwaa Critique:

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This is a good description, but it reads as really long, essentially since it's dropped in between two bits of dialogue. I think I might split this into two sentences and set the description before the quote.

Okay first, this is great, and second, it should be in a new paragraph since it's a new speaker.

Will fix these

Uhhhh...

I'm using characters me and my buddies have played for this series. This was not my character, and I claim no responsibility for the hilariously crazy name.

hahaha. I like these guys. You've got a good barroom atmosphere going here.

* Bows*

You need to either capitalize all the big words, or none of them. Doing just the leading "The" and the "Mage" is really awkward. Also, lol.

Okay. I loved that wizard. He was just over the top crazy funny

Is this... echoes of SleepyShadow's party? Do we have OOC text getting interpreted literally? Oh I do hope so; I miss those snippets.

Never heard of them, and yes!

I like this intro/interview setup, haha. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this. Are you literally asking for people to give you character bios as "applicants"?

Ooh, that's a good idea! Audition submissions! Let's do it!

[mebecronck]

@Dr Bwaa

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Jess 4 Response Response

So you're saying no one was interested in the angel in the interrogation room?

More like I'm saying they don't have time to. Remember the chaos in the previous scenes. They are too busy to run in and stare. I'm sure they would love to if they could get away with it, but can't.

The Hostage Response Response

Here's the problem: yeah, I was surprised, but that surprise doesn't have a positive effect on me. What it does is make me realize that my mental representation of the previous sequence was wrong, which breaks me out of the story. I'd have been no less surprised if you told me who he grabbed while it was happening, except that I would have been able to stay immersed throughout the scene instead of having to go back and recreate everything to fit with the new information. This kind of surprise reveal can work in a movie, where the visuals are being presented directly, but in text you're relying on the audience to create the scene, and leaving out information mostly just makes it more difficult for the reader to "get into it".

Point made. I will try to fix that in a later edit, or in a third draft. Unless you think I did it better in the second draft.

---- Singular Responses ----

JMHS 7

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I'm going to keep harassing you about this, once per snippet, until it sticks: end the quote with a comma if the sentence continues, like this one.

And everytime you point it out, I will get better at identifying it. Thank you.

Get rid of extraneous words. That last one isn't even a sentence until you take "that" out.

Your strikeouts are not shown in the quotes. I can see the commands for it, though. So, I still get the gist of it. Just letting you know.

This dude is getting creepy.

Football

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Has this crossover been going on the whole time and I just missed it until now?? I mean, I get that a lot of your stories are tied together in one way or another, but stil...

In my mind, all the characters share the same universe. So you can expect them anywhere at anytime.

It's like Marvel, except less Stan Lee.

It's always funny to see how many real-world characters you sneak into these.

Wait? Is Donny Hayes a real celebrity? Or are you talking about just a real human being that isn't orc, or deva, or half fairy half troll with celestial acenstory?

Now it's now completely clear, but it sounds like the Trojans got an interception? (based on the "now" in the previous sentence). If that's the case, it's pretty unlikely that the QB would be on the field. And if that's not what's going on, it's probably worth clarifying that the Trojans already had the ball.

I was hoping the ambiguity would hide my lack of understanding of football. I thought I could hide it in the chaos and Jessica's perspective, but ...

This man spent $200 before the game on his food arsenal.

He got his priorities straight.

Oh my god Cronc is adorable.

Don't you just want to pet him, and hug him, and squeeze him, and call him George.

This line is really stilted; I cannot for the life of me picture this raging shirtless jackass saying "football is not for you".

Perhaps if I removed the "you"?

This doesn't make sense to me. I have no idea why this man would utter those words.

I was thinking he would say this trying to find any escape from this situation. A mix of adrenaline and the realization of "My big mouth got me into big trouble."

In reality, there is not a good excuse for his behavior. He's just a jerk that's about to get a dose of karma. A really big dose of karma.

You don't need that comma, and *I. Also, is she saying this out loud?

Yes, she is.

For some reason this snippet is a particular gem, even among the other Cronc shorts. Enjoyable on every readthrough

Thank you. Thank you. I will be here all week. Be sure to tip your valet.

The Hostage (Second Draft)

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Okay, I didn't mention it before but you're doing it a whole bunch now: the word is "ado", meaning "fuss", "activity", or "bother".

"Adieu" means farewell in French (literally a dieu, [I commend you] to God).

Really? I even looked it up. I thought I had it right. Now this is embarrassing.

I'd combine these. Also, good job setting up the whole fear thing before this. It makes this moment much more understandable. However, this scene lacks the intimate intensity that the previous version had. I think two things could help that. One, put the reasoning for what you're about to do in a new paragraph before this paragraph, and then group all your actions together like you had originally (knifing him, grabbing his head, stare into his eyes until he's dead). That will preserve the brutality of that moment better. Two, you could consider giving Master Jefe a little (very little) agency here; leting him have an action--choking, eyes rolling around frantically; etc.

This is some very helpful advice. I will try to incorporate in later revisions. Keep giving excellent advice like this and I won't have to keep turning mice into cats, and then blowing them up.

This is a much better way to get out. Kudos.

I'm glad you liked it.

*"fireworks" is one word. Also, lol. So much for stealth, I guess?

The best kind of stealth. The "No Witnesses" kind.

This is a good revision. You've definitely addressed the main points without overexposing, and we got to see a little more characterization for our "hero". Good stuff.

Now you got it.

Ethereal

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Something is wrong with this sentence here.

I forgot to put the words "on and" between "turns" and "glows".

What does ghost girl sound like?!?!? Super important moment and I can't envision it!

Ummm ... ... something to look forward to in "Draft 2" ...

This would be much more effective if you mentioned him leaving the flashlight behind as he's running from The Spook House. Then you just describe the flashlight now sitting at the end of the bed, with the note, without having to be explicit about "GET IT THE GHOST OF SUZIE SYDELL MUST HAVE BROUGHT IT BACK."

I did. He dropped it just before the ghost girl walks up to him when he is trying to leave through the front door.

Anyway, I enjoyed it Especially the meat of the snippet, set inside the house; that was very effective.

But was it scary? Suspenseful? How was my first attempt at horror? TELL ME?!

Also, don't sort it under Bobby. I have no particular plans of using the character, again. He is just here as the protagonist of this one story. Sort it under Horror, because I do plan on trying my hand at scary stories in general again.

Teacher Parent Conference

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Tthhhhhpoilerthhhh!!!

...Man that word looks just awful all dragged out like that and with one capital letter. Man.

Let's see, here. Hmmm ....

TTHHhhpoilerthhh!!!!

No.

THPOILERTH!

Nope.

Eh, nevermind. I can't make it look better.

Also, I swear that I put a spoiler warning before this. I kind of figured that people could see it was leading to this, though.

Oh Jesus Christ. You really have no sense of subtlety at all, do you Jack?

What if I told you this is Jack being subtle ....

He is as blunt as an atom bomb, though, ain't he?

This is awesome.

Thank you, and with that applause I wish you good night.

Huh?

Oh, yeah. I got more to respond to.

(Can't a guy just take his applause and leave anymore.)

My Impatience

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I hope you don't mind that I'm not doing a big critique on this one. I did really enjoy it, though Poor Cat 4 and Cat 5. At least they died in the name of SCIENCE! Do you want it in the archive? Can used fondue pots access the internet?

Naw, you don't need to archive it. It was just a joke that turned into a funny story. I was just like, "How do I make this joke even crazier?" and it went out of control from there.

Also, you have no idea how difficult it has been typing this out as a fondue pot. The only greater insult is that my sauce doesn't taste good with cheese.

JMHS 8

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How else would he wave her off? With his foot?

With his butt of course. I thought it was obvious that he twerked here.

Oh my God what? Is the Chief that much of a history nerd??

It is common for military men to study great historic generals and their battles. In fact some military courses require they study them. So this is not really that surprising.

I'm on Team Dad for Most Obnoxious Dad.

You just want to be on the winning team don't you?

Should this actually be Janet both times, or should the second one be Jessica? I just can't really tell. If it's Janet both times, you can just refer to her as "She". Anyway, fun as ever and it's good to see that Jessica makes friends out of everyone she meets. I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being an actual hidden benefit of being half-deva. One overall critique is that Janet seems overly... peppy, or enthusiastic, in this one. She spends an awful lot of time laughing, compared to previous snippets.

I just think that Janet is starting to become more "acclimated" to the unusual circumstances. Plus, a lot of awkward/funny things happened in this chapter.

Maybe, I am just exploring her character a little more with fully realizing it.

How would anyone have noticed?

Ah, ha! I see! Fart joke right there. No ... THERE! No, wait ... did Waldo fart? Now I can't find him, either.

Anyway, one million thanks for your comments!!

I will store them in my bank. They will accumulate interest. Then I will cash it, and then ... I WILL RULE THE WORLD! BWAH HA HA HA!

Response to a response of someone else's critique, that involves me

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PM's Snippet

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I also wanted to mention that your critique of PaperMustache's snippet is basically correct, in that Mya is the main character of the story, not Sam (the narrator in the latest snippet). It might make more sense if you read the preceding snippets in this series ("The Curse"). This snippet served to give the reader some distance from Mya, since she's (I'm guessing, anyway) going to go off the deep end eventually.

Ah. I get it, now.

Winds

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Sometimes I forget that this is the same world as the one mebecronck writes in. It probably has to do with the fact that mebecronck has at least twoish alternate-universe versions of Jessica, lol.

This is the same campaign I ran, but the world I'm writing about has little to do with that campaign now. Same characters but two different stories going on.

I'm distancing myself from his snippets to best avoid spoilers. I also try not to comment on them for the same reason. I already know everything that is going to happen.

As for Jessica, in my works you have been reading just one. The first backstory version of her has been revised into the new modern one. The one in Winds stories is a DnD v. 3.5 build of her. She is quite different in her abilities, but not personality.

Also, if you wonder if we talk back and forth about each other's snippets, we don't. In fact, it's been forever since I last spoke with him. Hope you're doing okay. I still try to get people together for games.

@Arkohsia

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Ah. No reply for my critique. I know I don't match Dr Bwaa's God-like critiques, but still.

[Winds]

@Dr. Bwaa

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The Truth

I feel like he'd say this whether or not he knew anything at all about a particular foe, lol.

His career has not been the sort that would forge optimists...

You should mention that this is Kalach talking. In fact, this is true in a lot of your snippets. You've got a cast that's large enough to cause confusion, and you tend not to mention who's saying anything in particular, which makes the scene hard to picture and hurts the characterization of the non-Kalach party members because I can't always attribute words to them properly.

To some degree, it's a medium translation problem. I want to avoid using names all the time, because it was perfectly clear to me who was speaking. However, transcribing my impression of someone else's portrayal of their character well enough for someone not at the table to read? Obviously beyond my skill level. Something to work on, of course.

...huh. Now, here's another huge place where I need to know who's talking: is it Kalach or the guy stabbing him (Jack, yes?)? Incidentally yes, great cliffhanger

Kalach. I thought about throwing in his last thought being 'I should say something scathing right about now..."


...And Other Returns

Sometimes I forget that this is the same world as the one mebecronck writes in. It probably has to do with the fact that mebecronck has at least twoish alternate-universe versions of Jessica, lol.

To muddy the water further, Jessica is essentially an altverse version of a DMPC healer that he ran while I was playing Garrett.

Alternate title for this snippet: Kalach Gets Out-Sassed.

Or: Kalach is finally at a loss for words. (The first and last time, but you can cut him some slack given he had just been killed, revived, and had his mind rewritten...)

This... is kind of hard to picture. But I guess that makes sense.

But I actually got it across. Somewhat. Victory!

Is Kalach feeling... happy?

He just had a significant amount of infernal taint cleaned out of his mind/soul, so...yeah, he is.

Hahaha. Aaand the sass is back. Well done.

As it should be.

@mebecronc

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Everything's fine. Just got several things on my plate.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Warning folks: posting something and then deleting it to bump the thread (even if it's to denote an update) is actually against forum rules.

@ mebe - I'll get to your critique a little later today. Thank you!

[Dr Bwaa]

@Wombat
Is it? The only mention of bumping a thread I could find was this passage:

Minor spam refers to posts that do not add to any discussion ... posts that merely bump a thread (whether that post is "bump" or "this happened") are minor spam.

Obviously the doublepost-edit-delete method isn't ideal and we should be trying to avoid it, but personally I don't think it breaks the spirit of the forum rules. I'll PM a mod if anyone cares enough to want an official ruling

@mebecronck

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---misc responses---

Your strikeouts are not shown in the quotes. I can see the commands for it, though. So, I still get the gist of it. Just letting you know.

...Damn. GitP and Myth-Weavers use different strikethrough markup, apparently. Time to revisit my keyboard shortcuts.

Wait? Is Donny Hayes a real celebrity? Or are you talking about just a real human being that isn't orc, or deva, or half fairy half troll with celestial acenstory?

Not a celebrity so much as a little-known wide receiver for the Patriots for one year. Which I didn't know until I read your snippet and went and looked him up because I assumed you were using a real person. Awkward.

I was hoping the ambiguity would hide my lack of understanding of football. I thought I could hide it in the chaos and Jessica's perspective, but ...

Heheh. To be fair, Jessica might not know who it is anyway, so you'd probably be forgiven for just saying "one of the Trojans".

This line is really stilted; I cannot for the life of me picture this raging shirtless jackass saying "football is not for you".

Perhaps if I removed the "you"?

It just seems like an overly clinical thing to say, for a (presumably drunk) belligerent jerk intent on starting something. I'd expect contractions and more pointed phrases that make Jessica the subject-- "you don't belong here" and so on.

I was thinking he would say this trying to find any escape from this situation. A mix of adrenaline and the realization of "My big mouth got me into big trouble."

My point was less "why is he talking" than "why did he say that?" It just doesn't seem in-character for who this guy is (granted, we don't know much about him). I would expect something way more generic/panicky ("Woah man what the hell?" or "I was just joking!"). That kind of stuff. I honestly don't know what "It's just competition" would even mean here.

I did. He dropped it just before the ghost girl walks up to him when he is trying to leave through the front door.

I mean that if you're going to say it explicitly (like you do currently), do so before you reveal it on the bed. Have Bobby realize that he left the flashlight, but not even think for a second of turning around to get it. Or maybe you don't even need this, and you can let the audience figure it out. But definitely don't put an explicit "Bobby didn't bring the flashlight home" after the reveal.

Think of the classic way horror movies (especially older horror movies) end: there's plot, and then just before the credits roll, you get a brief shot of the zombie's eye opening, or some other single thing that elicits an effect without any explanation. In your case, the "camera" pans down to the end of the bed, revealing a flashlight with the "Forget something?" note, just before the screen goes to black. Therefore, any explanation for why this is creepy needs to happen prior to the reveal itself. You can either mention it explicitly or not; it just depends on how much you trust your readers to make the connection. With the note there, I think you could safely leave it without an explicit mention as he's leaving the house.

But was it scary? Suspenseful? How was my first attempt at horror? TELL ME?!

"Scary" isn't the term I'd use, but you got a good "creepy" vibe. For fear, there needs to be some indication that Bobby is actually in danger, which is missing here. Usually that's accomplished by killing someone else, or at least giving a concrete threat--here we have, instead, a spooky ghost girl. The story is engrossing largely because of the atmosphere (TV countdown, roach tornadoes), and because we know nothing about what the ghost of Suzie Sydell might want.

Also, I swear that I put a spoiler warning before this. I kind of figured that people could see it was leading to this, though.

You did, and besides, plenty of snippets here don't get posted "in order" anyway. Thus my lispy, mocking "thpoilerth".

It is common for military men to study great historic generals and their battles. In fact some military courses require they study them. So this is not really that surprising.

Oh right; he's Navy. For some reason I was still picturing him as The Chief Of Police With No Other Characteristics.

[Lord_Gareth]

Thanks for the critique, my friend! Wombat, I'm having increasing difficulties being able to get on long enough to sling one at you - you have my apologies.

Please place stories with Varren under 'Sir Varren'.

[mebecronck]

@Dr Bwaa

I would like verification on this, please. I think we are sticking to the spirit of the forum rules. After all, we are not just posting to bump the thread. We are contributing to it.

Edit: Also, if they want us to stop doing that, then they need to update the forum so we can get updates when something is edited. Otherwise, we have no idea if someone edited something. Like how I edited this post to add this comment.

Re-re-re-re ... how many re's is it now? Reply

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Not a celebrity so much as a little-known wide receiver for the Patriots for one year. Which I didn't know until I read your snippet and went and looked him up because I assumed you were using a real person. Awkward.

Pure coincidence. Did not know he played for the Patriots. I just thought the name sound good. However, I'm keeping it. The Fates have spoken.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Yes, talking to a Moderator is the best option. Upon a quick review of some of the board/site issue topics, I've found this:

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=185380, Where the third option of the first post is essentially what Mebe is currently doing, I believe.

I know an exception to double posting which doesn't apply here is that in the Homebrew section, the thread creator can double post after a few days if they have new content to add (but not to bump), which is what the Mods are referring to in the previous link.

Either way, even though you're putting in new information in this thread with an edit, the second post you put in is essentially bumping it up to the top, which is the no-no. Just because you delete it doesn't make it less bumping. Think of how many people would get burried if this became the habit of all forum goers? I know we won't see your update immediately, but you could always PM the person it pertains to if you don't think they noticed.

As for them implementing a change to the forum to allow for edits to notify subscribers, you can ask on the Board/Site Issues to suggest it and see what they say. I'd be for it, but it seems hard to imagine how it would work. Especially since editing is a common thing to do for small corrections as well.

[Dr Bwaa]

I've sent Roland a PM about this; one way or another this post will contain the results of his response when he gets back to me

(Unless he just comes in here and posts an answer for us, which would be less work for me but also kind of disappointing since I wouldn't get to show off my newfound knowledge.)

EDIT: long story short, one shouldn't do it. See my next post.

@Implementing edit-notifications: Yes, Wombat has struck on the main problem of notifying subscribers for edits, I think. They'd have to implement an option in the edit dialog, I think, that basically lets the editor choose whether the edit is significant enough to notify subscribers about. I don't know anything about how this forum is implemented, but my guess is that such a thing wouldn't be particularly straightforward.

[mebecronck]

@Email-Edits

Perhaps we could give the option to the editor of the post. A little check-box that says "Email Thread Subscribers about edit".

[Lord_Gareth]

Oh, hey, can you give Nail her own heading? There's gonna be more from her.

[Dr Bwaa]

@Gareth: done!

@post-delete-edit protocol

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Long story short: don't do it.

Double posting isn't a major violation of the Forum Rules. If no one sees it as problematic, it probably doesn't even get reported most of the time. But technically, formally, one shouldn't do it, even when the purpose is well-intended.

(Emphasis mine)

---

Complete answer (My quote inserted for context):

Person A posts a snippet.
Person B posts a critique/response to that snippet.
Person B then wants to post a new snippet.

Person B doesn't want to double-post, but he also doesn't want to simply edit his previous post, because there's a good chance no one will notice the new content, and he would very much like people to read his new story. He decides to "ghost-post" his new story in a double-post. This way, the thread's subscribers will be notified and it will be clear that there's new content to read. Then he deletes the double-post and edits the new story into his previous post. Is this kosher?

What you describe is called "stealth bumping." Posting to bump a thread to the top (and/or for subscribers) and then deleting the post. This is done to get attention for the last pre-bump post or to keep the thread alive. It is itself covered by the minor spam, "don't bump threads" rule.

But what you're asking about is also double posting. That's pretty clearly frowned upon for any and all purposes:

Double Posting
Posting twice in a row is generally frowned upon. If you are responding to multiple points, please use quotes and other post formatting to clarify this. Please use the Edit option to modify information in a post instead of immediately making a new one. If you do accidentally double post, you can delete the extra post under the Edit option.

Purposefully double posting in the way described may serve some purpose, but it's still against the Forum Rules. Person B in your example should either: 1) save their comment until their snippet is ready and post both together; 2) edit their post to add the snippet; or 3) wait for someone else to post before posting their new snippet.

Double posting isn't a major violation of the Forum Rules. If no one sees it as problematic, it probably doesn't even get reported most of the time. But technically, formally, one shouldn't do it, even when the purpose is well-intended.

~Roland

[mebecronck]

With that little revelation there is only one solution. We must post more often! That way people won't have to wait so long to post their next snippet just because they don't want to double post.

You heard the call Snippeters ... eh ... Snippeteers ...Snippetians?

Whatever, snippet like you never snippeted before!

Don't let this thread go quietly into the night. Don't let this thread die without a fight. Today, we celebrate our Snippeting Day!

And I did not steal any of that from Independence Day the movie.
I reject your evidence.

If you don't have a snippet ready, then come in and say "Hi" or give us a teaser for your next work.

Or go on a comedic rant about how people need to post more.

Oh, I finally got a decent spellcheck software for my word program. It sucked so much having to deal with the crappy freeware word software that didn't even have spellcheck. What was I supposed to do? Know how to spell. Yeah right. Ain't nohbdy get tiam fur dat!

TEASER TIME!

I'm working on the next chapter for JMHS! Abbreviation thanks to Dr Bwaa.

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It will cover how Jessica finally leaves the precinct.

I'm also playing around with another horror short. Hopefully this one will actually be scary.

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Spiders. Very scary SPIDERS!

Finally, I'm working out on where I want to go with The Modern Bard. I wasn't planning on this actually turning into a series. It was just going to be a single shot fun short, but it turned into something interesting.

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Vampires, night bars, and dubstep. Oh, my. Maybe not the dubstep.

Now, go my fellow Snippers ... eh ... Friends, and post ... something ... so that I might post again one day. Then I will post something so that you may post something again one day. Then, eventually, we will have pizza. Not cake. I won't fall for that trick, again.

Edit - (Setp. 14, 2013; 9:50PM EST)

I really hope someone posts something soon. I just finished with my next Horror story installment.

[Dr Bwaa]

I accept your pizza offering.

I have nothing to give anyone in return, except for, if I get the motivation together and the flood-related power/internet problems stop plaguing me, I might get part two of Slime, Muck, and Filth edited. Just what you always dreamed of, I know. Maybe I'll put a teaser up here for it in a bit.

Incidentally, bonus points to anyone who gets the reference in that chapter title without looking it up

[mebecronck]

The moment you all been waiting for, or maybe some of you, ... anywho ...

Horror Story Short Time!

Number one critique I would like to know is, "Is it scary?" That is what I'm aiming for in these shorts. It can be entertaining or what-not, but I haven't achieved my goal unless it is scary. So to any who critique this, please, at least answer that question.

Without further ado:

Spiders

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Spiders

A Horror Story

“Well, what do you think,” my old friend, Ben, asks once we finally finished the hike to the cabin. The place is looking like something out of a campy horror flick. Moss has covered ever spot it can grab hold. Vines and weeds are rooted in the base and weaving between logs. I’m sure there are holes in the ceiling. The only thing that would make it worse is if it only had three walls and infested with spiders.

“Looks fine,” I lie. “Let’s hurry up and get a fire going.” Ben came up with the idea to go on this camping trip. Just get out of the city, away from civilization. He thinks it will be relaxing. It will be all Zen-like, or something. All I can think of is, “How are The Braves fairing right now?”

Ben walks up to the front door and reaches for the knob. Just before he grabs it I see something move underneath it. A small dark object just darts from under the knob and down the door. “Did you see that,” I ask with a yawn.

“What,” Ben asks me. He is still full of energy. This nature stuff is more his speed than mine.

“Nothing. I must be so tired I’m seeing things.” I let out another yawn. There better be real beds in this fire trap.

*****

The inside is almost just as bad I imagined. The ceiling doesn’t have giant holes in it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it has some leaks. We have all four walls. We also have plenty of cobwebs.

“I hate spiders,” I under exaggerate. Hate is too weak of a word for what I feel about spiders.

“What did you expect from the wilderness?” Ben starts to unpack his bag. He pulls out a sleeping bag. I take that as a sign that there are no beds in this cabin.

“I expected to sleep somewhere that is spider-free.” I pull out my bag and start to rummage through it. I came prepared for just such an emergency. Several cans of bug spray; specially designed to kill spiders.

I start spraying through all the cobwebs. Everyone I hit makes little spiders emerge from hiding. This is their last desperate attempt to save their wretched lives. One of the ones I spray falls from its web. It twitches on the ground in violent spasms. I grant it a small courtesy and stomp on it. A fast death compared to what the spray will do, I’m sure.

“Would you cut that out?” Ben coughs and gags in a dramatic fashion. “You are making this place smell like a chemical factory.”

“It’s worth it to know there are no spiders in here,” I say as I spray the last corner of the room. I only have one can left and two more days out here. With the spiders all dead I grab an old fashioned wooden broom I found in the cabin and use it to clean off the spider webs. Just the presence of webs gives me the creeps and I will sleep happier knowing they are gone.

*****

The next day is fun. I slept well through the night, despite the chemical smell from the spray. I think it might have seeped into the logs of the house. We leave the cabin to do some fishing in a nearby lake. We use an inflatable raft to make it a semi-boating trip as well. We don’t catch anything. I have a sunburn on the back of my neck for a souvenir.

On the way back I notice a bunch of thick webs coating the branches of the trees just outside the cabin. They wrap around large bunches of leaves, like someone just stretched big wads of cotton around the branches. Inside I can see tiny black and brown shapes moving erratically.

“I don’t think you brought enough spray with you,” Ben jokes and nudges me with his fist. “I guess the spiders that didn’t die in the cabin moved out into the trees.”

“Yeah,” I say scanning the trees with my eyes as I move along the traveled path. I keep feeling little things crawling on me. I swat at it and find that nothing’s there. I keep telling myself, “It is just in my head. There are no spiders on me.”

The message is not getting through, though. When Ben opens the front door of the cabin I see in horror that the spiders have moved back in. Webs are spread out all over the cabin, even more than before. Little dots move around inside them, making the walls look almost alive.

I rush for my bag and just before I grab hold of it I see a larger spider standing on top of it. It raises its front four legs and bares its fangs at my presence. I back away from my bag slowly. I stare at the red markings on its mandibles, and the yellow and brown stripes that make the segments of its legs. They look like warning lights telling me that if I move closer it will attack.

I stay away from my bag. I wait, anxiously, for what feels like days until the spider leaves my bag. I quickly reach for it the second the spider is away and grab my last spray can. I use it more methodically this time. Instead of coating every inch of the room, I make sure it all gets an even coat.

With time I clear the cabin of spiders, again. Getting to sleep is going to be difficult. The feeling of something crawling over my skin will not leave me.

*****

I wake up in the middle of the night. The feeling of something crawling on skin won’t let me sleep. This time it feels like it is on the side of my face. Out of instinct, I swat at the sensation and feel something crush under my hand. I move my hand away, just far enough so I can see it in the light of the fireplace. The flickering light shows the remains of a large spider, its abdomen crushed and legs slowly curling like they are fingers on a strange hand.

I jump from my sleeping bag and start shaking my hand. The spider’s remains fling off my hand piece by piece. I rub the remaining guts on my shirt. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the room around me rolling like waves.

At first I think I’m dreaming. I convince myself that this is all just a nightmare, but then I realize what I’m seeing. The walls are coated in spiders. Thousands, upon thousands, of spiders are crawling over the wall and over each other. Odd stripes of contrasting black and brown with yellow and red create tidal waves that roll against each other across the walls and ceiling.

I freeze in place. I don’t know how long I stand there, but I eventually force myself to move. I turn around and push Ben with the heel of my foot. The movement inside the sleeping bag feels unnatural, like many tiny marbles spinning around under the cloth bag.

I kneel down to grab the zipper. My friend's face doesn’t twitch in the slightest as I pull the zipper down and see spiders start to crawl out from spreading teeth. Several spiders crawl across my friend's face and leave strands of silk across the path.

The spiders cover every surface of the cabin. I can’t even see the door anymore. I can feel the spiders crawling up my legs. The fireplace starts to die as the last embers from the log start to fade. I can feel the spiders crawling up my chest. The lights start to dim, but is it because the fire is dying, or is it because something else is?

I let out a scream, but the sound is gagged as I feel the spiders crawling into my mouth.

Edit:(September 16, 2013; 11:35 AM)

It seems my story is so scary that it made everyone run away from the forum.
Where did everybody go?

Edit:(September 17, 2013; 9:13 PM)

Now I'm thinking that my story sucks so much that no one can visit this thread without laughing at it uncontrollably.

Where is everyone?

[Dr Bwaa]

Where is everyone?

I think part of the problem is that this is a relatively slow thread since it relies on creative input, and it's been getting bumped off the front page a lot by all the recent spambots

Anyway, I'll have a critique for you tomorrow around lunchtime.

[mebecronck]

@Dr Bwaa
Thank you in advance for the critique.

*****

This post contains something very personal. I wanted to write some nonfiction and what lies below here is about me. I am not posting any details that would reveal who I am, but it is a piece of me.

I post this in hopes that some of you might share your thoughts on it. The people on this forum are pretty friendly and I don't think I have to deal with any trolls here.

If you are not interested in it, then please feel free to ignore it. If you are interested in reading it, then please understand how much of myself is in this.

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A Socratic Examination
Into My Beliefs

My Loneliness

The summary explanation to my loneliness stems from my absolute belief that no woman is interested in me. I know that I am undesirable. Although I am typing this up in a somewhat “train of thought” style, I will try to organize this work by the several causes of this belief, and examine each as I go.
To first list the reasons behind this belief. First, I believe women are not attracted to me, in that what society deems as attractive I find that I hold the opposite attribute. Second, my own belief that this is true leads me to be undesirable. I feel that I am undesirable and thus I emit an atmosphere of undesirability. Third, I feel that if I am desirable a woman at some point would have expressed interest in me in some way. Having been single my entire life, never having a first date, first kiss, or first hug shows credence to this. Finally, the severe bullying that I suffered through my middle school and high school has instilled this belief in me.

First:

Anyone could look in a magazine or watch a commercial to see what society wants us to believe what is attractive, but I’m no fool. I understand that these are unrealistic standards of beauty and thus I can’t compare myself to them.
I do however can examine on a general scale what is considered attractive for men. Women are generally attracted to men who are fit. I am not. Women are generally attracted to men who are tall. I am not. Women are attracted to men who are strong. I am not.
The list continues. Even on a general level I am not considered attractive, but am I ugly? Is it possible that I look in a mirror and see a distorted image of myself warped by my own low self image?
The answer is actually, “No”. I look in the mirror and see myself. If I am to gauge my own attractiveness from a serious standpoint, then I would have to say, “I am average.” Even from the statistical standpoint, “I am average”. I am the average height, weight, skin color, hair color, eye color, and everything else of an American male.
That is also a problem. If you put me in a room with any sample of guys in the US I will just blend in. Nothing about me physically stands out, but what about personality?
On this I am very much repellent. I am smart. Women don’t like smart guys. I am a nerd. Women don’t like nerds. I am also, at least in my opinion, a nice guy. Nice guys finish last.
I often wonder “Why is it that nice guys finish last?” The only thing that I can conclude is that nice guys blend into the background. Jerks stand out. It is difficult to ignore a jerk. They are loud and obnoxious. They step away from what is generally regarded as socially acceptable behavior. Nice guys, however, do exactly what society expects of them.
I will not stop being a nice guy, though. I wouldn’t even consider being a jerk just to get a girlfriend. That is just unacceptable.
As for being a nerd, it is naturally repellant. I use large words that are commonplace for me, but confusing for her. I reference “fun facts” that she would feel like it is something straight from Star Trek, but in fact it is just something she forgot about in high school.

Second:

Perhaps it is purely because I believe this that I am undesirable. I believe it ergo I am. It is true that your own self confidence leads to a certain attitude. If you believe yourself a lady’s man then you walk up to women with a swagger that suggests you can have any woman in the room.
However, this is not entirely the case with me. I have not always held this belief, and I have not trouble talking to women.
For some time I thought I had just as fair a shot getting a girlfriend as any other guy, but I still knew that I am not first choice for any girl. I used the one thing I have got going for me to make me a little more desirable; my brain.
I studied things that I thought would increase my chances of attracting a girlfriend. Among these things I studied how to cook, and how to give a message. I figured that I can make myself stand out on a date. That is my only chance.
I never had a first date though, and right now my cooking skills do little more than get some compliments at family get outings.
As I said earlier, I don’t have trouble talking to women, even the highly attractive super model beauties that most men lose all sense of reason around. My method is simple. I have already gone through the rejection process with all women. It comes with my belief that no woman is interested in me. Before I even meet a woman I have already gone through the process of “You want to go out with me?” “NO!” Not actively of course. It is not like I imagine every woman turning me down the second I meet them. It is more symbolic. She is a woman ergo she is not interested in me.
This leads to another part of my problem. I have no reason to ask a woman out. Why ask her out if she has already turned me down? That is like asking, “Is the Sun bright?” or “Is water wet?” The answer is inherent. The question is then pointless. However I will delve more into that later.

Third:

If I am desirable, then would not a woman have expressed interest in me? At least once in my life would not a woman have said, “I like you”? This is something that has never happened to me. If it did then obviously everything that I believe in this little examination would be instantly false. One of the core beliefs that I hold would be shattered.
There are two problems with this; the first that they might have expressed interest in me, but I just can’t see it. It is common, almost trope-ish, behavior that women use to express interest in men by dropping clues and hoping they pick up on it. I would say that this is something that is only on cheesy sitcom comedies, but I have witnessed this as true. One of the few benefits of being undesirable is that women talk around me as if I am not there. Why should they regard me? After all, I am no one.
Why am I blind to the clues? I shall paint a scenario to illustrate this. Imagine going into a room for the first time. Before you entered this room someone stole something. You wouldn’t notice that something is missing because you never seen the room before. If you were in that room once or twice before, then you might notice the missing item. What is the difference? Context!
The context I am missing to be able to pick up any clues a woman might drop is the possibility that she is attracted to me. Since I already believe that as impossible then any clue she drops is immediately ignored or dismissed as being imagined.
She could just drop a clue as blunt as an atom bomb and say, “I like you”, but then that is not a clue. That is a confession. Why not say this, though? Because even as forward thinking as our society has become, it is still considered the social norm for men to be the one to ask out the women.
That is the second problem, and it is stupid. What horror would rise from the depths of Hell should a woman ask me out? Shall the world end if she does? Is society going to cast her out as a witch?
You could say, “Why don’t you ask a girl out?” I answer by first pointing to my previous answer to this exact problem. My mind has already made up the scenario that the answer is, “No.” You would then say, “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Oh, ye of little imagination and experience.

Fourth:

I will start this segment with a story:
I was in summer school one year, the summer between tenth and eleventh grade, and it was held in a different school than the one I attend. I saw only one familiar face out of all who was attending and she would sit alone before classes would start. I recognized her as one of the popular girls in school. This of course would normally mean that I should know my place and not make contact. I don’t know why I did, but I went up and started to talk with her. I knew I had no chance with her. She is popular, and I am a nerd. We are two different species.
However, despite this we would have pleasant conversations. We just talked about whatever came up. On the last day of summer school she told me, “You know when we get back to school; we can’t talk anymore, right?” Being the nice guy that I am I said I understood. After all, she can’t be caught talking to the school pariah, now can she? How would that affect her popularity? Poorly I am sure.
Well, one week into school, I forgot. I passed her in the hallway and said, “Hi.”
She responded by shouting, “OH, MY GOD! IT TALKED TO ME!”
Do you think that is a sad story? That was everyday for me. I was reminded daily, by someone, by everyone, that I am worthless. That was my life from the fifth grade to twelfth.
I ask you now; this is the response I got from saying, “Hi.” What’s the worst that can happen when I try to ask a girl out?
The bullying that I lived with daily has destroyed my self esteem. This is the foundation that I built my personal worth on and it is shoddy to say the least.

Conclusion:

I know that there are problems with my thinking. There are billions of women in the world and it is ridiculous for me to believe that absolutely none of them would be interested in me. However, I am in a psychological trap in which I can find no escape.
That is why I post this online. Such deeply held beliefs cannot be changed easily. I might not be able to change it internally. A religious person cannot just decide to stop believing. A non-religious person cannot just decide to start believing. Such deeply held beliefs do not just change because you want them to. Something must make them change.

For lack of a better way to end this; thank you for reading.

I have never been so nervous after posting something before.

[Doxkid]

@Doxkid

First, let me reiterate my welcome, and clarify that I at least try to give some comments on every snippet that comes through here. If you have requests for a more in-depth critique, or one with a different focus, just let me know and I'll see what I can do. If you'd prefer I not critique your work at all, just say so! Now, onwards!

It seems I've taken too much time off from writing; those were all rookie mistakes that I should know better than to make. At the very least I should have been able to located those myself.

I'll clean that draft up and continue the story by...well...I'll continue it eventually I guess. I've never been good at keeping to a schedule.

Thank you for the assistance and please do continue to critique my work (assuming I post more).

[mebecronck]

I think part of the problem is that this is a relatively slow thread since it relies on creative input, and it's been getting bumped off the front page a lot by all the recent spambots

Anyway, I'll have a critique for you tomorrow around lunchtime.

<begin comedic sarcasm>

Wow! The days on your planet must be very long. How many more cycles until your lunchtime tomorrow?

Also, is your planet "Earth-like"? I always wanted to visit an alien planet.

<end comedic sarcasm>

In other news: I'm still working on the next chapter of JMHS.

And trying to save the thread from vanishing into the void. I would just wait patiently, but I wanted to post something to keep the thread active.

[Dr Bwaa]

Guess what? No new snippet from me yet. Too much report writing. Maybe next weekend.

@mebecronck

Spoiler

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Spiders

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“Well, what do you think,” my old friend, Ben, asks

Wow this is a lot of commas. Maybe pare it down a bit. You could take our "my old friend", for instance, since that should become clear from the rest of the story.

asks once we finally finished the hike to the cabin.

Tense problems. This story is present-tense, so it should remain in present-tense as much as reasonable. "finish" is fine here.

The place is looking like something out of a campy horror flick.

"is looking"? Why not just "looks"? Ostensibly you can get away with this if that's truly how the narrator speaks, but you need to be very careful to be consistent with it, or else it comes off just kind of weird.

Moss has covered ever spot it can grab hold. Vines and weeds are rooted in the base and weaving between logs.

*every, and these sentences are a good example of why passive voice is considered "bad". "Moss" and "Vines and weeds" are the subjects of these sentences, but they don't get any agency--we just see static foliage that once grew into a place, and hasn't done anything since. Because you're trying to create a sense of dread, or at least unease, you want all the non-protagonist factors to seem out-of-control and wild. So here, you want to use a more active phrasing to make the moss, vines, and weeds seem alive. "Moss covers" and "Vines and weeds root in the foundation and weave between the logs", for example. (Also, "foundation" is just a way better word for what I'm assuming you mean by "base").

The only thing that would make it worse is if it only had three walls and infested with spiders.

This stops being a sentence about halfway through (you're missing a "was" before "infested"), and it's kind of a weird thing to say anyway. The rule when listing is to "finish strong", but here the two things that could make it worse are a major structural deficiency and... spiders. You're in the woods; some spiders are to be expected, so finishing with that after "three walls" is a letdown.

How are The Braves fairing right now?

You want "faring", the present participle of "fare". According to Wikipedia, "fairing" is an external metal or plastic structure designed to reduce aerodynamic/hydrodynamic drag.

Just before he grabs it I see something move underneath it. A small dark object just darts from under the knob and down the door.

Too much "it" (and missing comma) in the first sentence. And then, it's pretty obviously a spider--between the title and the first-paragraph call-out, there's probably nothing else it's going to be. In any case, it's definitely a creature, and not an "object" -- I'd honestly squash these sentences together for more effectiveness: "Just before he grabs it, something small and dark darts out from under the knob...".

“Did you see that,” I ask with a yawn.

Nope. No way am I believing this. If you care enough to call a "did you see that," you're not yawning at the same time. That phrase is very familiar in this genre, and using it immediately evokes the fear of the unknown that it's normally used for. It just doesn't work to have a character who seems to be unreasonably afraid of spiders point one out while yawning--normally a sign of boredom, even though we learn later that he's tired. Either take out the yawn, or take out the line. It depends on how much you want the narrator to be scared of spiders going into the thing. Since the answer (from later on) is "a lot", I'd probably go with taking out the yawn; possibly replaced with a physical expression of fear or at least being startled by the thing.

“What,” Ben asks me.

He's asking a question, so you need a question mark inside the quote: "'What?' Ben asks me."

“Nothing. I must be so tired I’m seeing things.”

The narrator knows how tired he/she is. I'd go with "I'm so tired I'm seeing things."

The inside is almost just as bad I imagined.

"Almost just as bad" is a strange thing to say. Which one is it?

I under exaggerate. Hate is too weak of a word for what I feel about spiders.

If you really want to use "underexaggerate", it's just one word, but I would suggest using this moment to develop the narrator's voice a little more. You can have the narrator give tacit value judgments on the events of the story, which you're kind of doing here but you can do it with more flavor. "...'I hate spiders,' I mutter in the understatement of the year. 'Hate' is too weak..." Oh, and "Hate" should be in quotes at the start of the second sentence, and you don't need the "of".

I take that as a sign that there are no beds in this cabin.

Scumbag Ben takes you camping; lets you believe there will be beds.

I came prepared for just such an emergency. Several cans of bug spray; specially designed to kill spiders.

This is actually pretty funny. At the end of the first sentence, I'm expecting the narrator to pull out a sleeping bag to deal with the no-beds emergency, but instead the emergency is "oh no cobwebs noooooooo!" I like it. By the way, why does the narrator never get a name? This whole thing would be much more effective if we knew more about the narrator, so we could better relate to him/her.

Everyone I hit makes little spiders emerge from hiding.

*Every one is two words here, though I'd probably go with "each" anyway. Also, replace "makes" and "little" with stronger words. Writing, perhaps especially horror, is all about vivid imagery, and the better each word choice is, the more effective the whole thing becomes. "Each spray drives dozens of tiny spiders from their hiding spots".

This is their last desperate attempt to save their wretched lives.

"This"? What is "this"? Running down the walls? What was their first attempt? This sentence is just kind of silly; it's obvious why the spiders are fleeing, but if you want to develop the narrator with this sort of malicious description (which I like), you should strap it onto the previous sentence. "...in a desperate attempt to save their wretched lives."

One of the ones I spray falls from its web.

Cut out the chaff: "One falls from its web."

I grant it a small courtesy and stomp on it. A fast death compared to what the spray will do, I’m sure.

I'd join these together, since it's not actually two full sentences. Maybe replace the first period with a colon.

“You are making this place smell like a chemical factory.”

Generally speaking, people using the idiom "cut that out" also speak with contractions ("you're", not "you are").

I keep telling myself, “It is just in my head. There are no spiders on me.”

I don't think there's any reason for the quotes. The narrative is already in this person's point of view, and the internal monologue is kind of stilted here anyway. You'd do better to remove this whole sentence, in my opinion. Understatement can work wonders in this genre.

Instead of coating every inch of the room, I make sure it all gets an even coat.

What? These seem like the same thing.

Odd stripes of contrasting black and brown with yellow and red

There's no way you can see all this color differentiation while half asleep, in the light of a (somehow still burning?) fireplace.

spiders start to crawl out from spreading teeth.

Ew.

Several spiders crawl across my friend's face

Two things I have trouble believing. One, that there are actually only several spiders. Two, that an arachnophobe like our narrator would possibly be this calm in describing the scene unfolding here. The narrative ought to be absolutely panicked by this point.

I can feel the spiders crawling up my legs.

Again, how is he/she so calm?

The lights start to dim, but is it because the fire is dying, or is it because something else is?

You mean "I". There's nothing else you could possibly mean. There's no mystery here, and you don't want any. I would take out everything after "the lights start to dim".

Summary
Overall, I'm afraid it's not particularly scary.* You need a couple of main components to generate the fear (obviously this is just my opinion on the matter, and there are certainly exceptions). Your plot should be:

• Extraordinary: Psychopaths with guns are scary, but generally speaking, they do not make good horror movies. You want the horror element to be at least a little unusual, so it will stand out from the horrible things people read in the news every day. This snippet achieves this.
• Believable: It doesn't have to be realistic, just believable within the context of the world of your story. This includes the actions of the protagonist(s): they should display some basic common sense at the very least, no abandoning the security of their bunker for the zombie-infested woods outside. Again, your snippet does okay in this department.
• Relatable: As the reader, I need to be able to put myself in the protagonist's shoes. This is similar to Believable, but also includes things like the likability of the protagonist(s) and similarities between the protagonist(s) and the audience (which is why different horror stories affect different people to varying degrees). Your snippet lacks relatability in a big way--I know basically nothing about the narrator.
• Defendable: The protagonist needs agency and a chance to fight back in some way against the horror element. In a lot of modern "horror", this is just accomplished by killing off characters one at a time and having the survivors "defend" by running away and/or hiding, but there are plenty of possibilities. What's important is that you bring the reader into the story by letting the protagonist try to survive. This is where the tension comes from that allows the audience to develop some fear, and this is the other big place where your snippet falls short--there's no agency at all given to the narrator, and by extension the reader. By the time we realize that the spiders are a real threat, there's no chance to fight back.
• Inevitable/Inescapable: Despite all the hero's struggles, the reader should not be able to see a final way out for the protagonist, especially a way out that the protagonist doesn't see. While you can survive for a little while, for whatever reason there's no clear way to survive forever because [supplies will run out/there's no way to leave the area/whatever]. This is another place your snippet falls flat, though it's mostly because of the lack of any defense. You've got the makings of this bullet point already: endless, hard-to-fight enemies and limited "ammunition".

So there are two main problems that contribute to this snippet not being scary. As the reader, I'm not able to relate to the narrator--I don't know anything about him/her except that he/she doesn't like spiders. This creates distance between me and the story, which in turn prevents me from becoming emotionally attached. Since the point of the genre is to elicit an emotion, you really need to allow the reader to get attached to the characters.

Second, the hero essentially has no agency once the horror starts. Right now, the snippet reads more like a grim, supernatural fable: the narrator tries to wipe out all the spiders, and the spiders retaliate. I actually really like that as an opening, but you need to give the narrator a chance to fight back once he/she realizes there's a legitimate danger involved. The tension of the hero's struggle to survive against an unbeatable, endless foe is what creates fear, and you don't give us any chance to experience that. As soon as the narrator realizes what's going on, it's already too late--and that can be fine, but there should still be time to struggle, even if the hero is ultimately doomed by his/her earlier actions.

Does that all make sense?

*My mastery of puns knows no limits.

ASEIMB: ML

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En route via PM.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

I've been so busy! I've been doing my main craft - Art - lately, so wrting has been set aside while I get some commissions done. But Cronk, you shall get your response! And Bwaa? I'm still toiling over your last response. I also figured you might need a breather.

[Dr Bwaa]

And now, for something completely different unedited. This is (a snippet from) Brygar the Wanderer's first session (see the OP for a couple chunks of his backstory). I would love any comments anyone has on this.

Hartlib Gwynek

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I've had about all I can take of this woman's nattering, and my contact still hasn't arrived. The man with the ornate boots is getting restless. I am out of time, but not quite out of leads.

The man in the corner, who seems to have taken care to sit in the darkest, least-reputable spot in the bar, is the same man who was lurking in that grungy foodhouse in Commercia. I take my mug and work my way across the room to his small table.

He's young; no older than I am, but his face bears prominent traces of the sun and the sword. Were it not for that, his dress would look like a first-time adventurer trying too hard not to be noticed: black cloak, boots, hood, and gloves. Instead, he seems to be intentionally giving the impression of trying to go unnoticed.

"May I join you?" I ask, already pulling out a chair.

The man pauses for several seconds before responding, "briefly."

That suits me. I take a seat, ale in hand, and decide to get straight to the point. "You've been watching the stranger with the expensive boots all night. What do you know about him?"

Another long pause. He sits there, looking at me with heavy-lidded eyes. I'm starting to think he didn't hear me when he replies, "I'm going to kill him."

Now it's my turn to hesitate. Clearly, there are elements at work here that I know nothing about, but the only way to get answers is to ask questions. I stay as casual as a man who's just been told about an intended murder can be. "H-uh. Why's that?"

My companion glares across the room at the man in question. "He is Hartlib Gwynek, a truly despicable man." That's as good a confirmation of my own thoughts as I'm likely to find anywhere. And if it's true, it may lend some weight to my notion that Hartlib's arrival in town is connected to the disappearance of the little girl.

"Why do you care?" the hooded man abruptly continues.

"I'm concerned about the welfare of a missing Gnomish child. I think you understand why a man of Hartlib's reputation would be of interest to me." I can't quite keep the edge from my voice.

A flash of silver catches my eye as the man rises to leave the bar. It does not escape my companion's notice either. "He may be meeting with her kidnapper tonight."

I wonder for only a moment longer who this scarred man is, and how he knows so much. But I have more pressing questions. "Do you know who that is?"

He watches Hartlib walk out the front door as my heart races at the dual prospects of losing the trail or getting a name. "I do not know his name," he replies finally, "I know that he is likely to meet him. And now I must go."

He rises with surprising speed for someone with such a languorous approach to conversation. "If you wish to find the girl's kidnapper, you may accompany me."

I drain the last of my ale and follow his brisk pace out of the Fool's Lantern. Beyond the threshold of the tavern, he turns right, and I hold up a hand. "One moment," I ask, and hurry around the side of the building to retrieve my sword, bow, and arrows from where I'd hidden them. Returning to the street, I see that my companion has similarly acquired a polished composite bow and quiver of green-fletched shafts, glimmering in the firelight behind open windows. I nod to him, and he leads us into an alley across the way. It occurs to me briefly that this could be a trap.

We step lightly through narrow, twisting alleys for nearly ten minutes, the cloaked man leading without hesitation. All at once, he stops short.

"Around this corner, a hundred paces down on the right-hand side, your man will be meeting mine," he whispers.

I nod. "Erastil," I murmur, "show me what my eyes alone are too weak to reveal." My eyelids stretch unpleasantly; my ears feel like they're thinning. I have used this spell many times before--so I am not startled by the sudden hammering sound of my own heartbeat, nor the way the dusk seems suddenly as bright as midafternoon.

I peer around the corner, staying low. Sure enough, the man in the black-and-silver boots is standing in the alley, and far off at the other end, nearly out of sight, another man is approaching. When this is over, I must know my companion's name--I owe him for his assistance.

He motions for me to follow, and slips around the corner. I let him gain a little distance, then follow twenty paces behind, longbow at the ready.

I close to eighty paces from Hartlib's meeting-place, then seventy. It seems that he should see us by now, but the alley is nearly pitch black for him, lit only by stray fire- and star-light. I am only fifty paces out; my fellow hunter nearly upon his quarry, when I am caught unawares by a stray nail protruding from the stone wall, tearing into my cloak.

I freeze and press myself to the wall as Hartlib turns my way, his hands hidden within his cloak. He peers into the darkness for only a moment before our eyes meet.

In an instant, he raises a loaded crossbow, points it at my head, and fires.

[mebecronck]

It's been a long time since I last wrote anything. So, I'm going to stretch out my writing muscles before I get into any of my serious projects.

I will have some feedback for you on your snippet soon Dr Bwaa.

In the meantime, enjoy this little short that I made just for fun. If you like it, I will add more to it.

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The Adventurers Odd

Possibly Inspired by a True Story

Our three adventurers begin their journey in a harsh desert. Jorun, the brave and mighty paladin, Varonis, the brilliant and cunning wizard, and Xix ….

… Zislik …

… Sislic …

How the hell do I pronounce this?

“It’s Xixlisticklic!” The rogue shouts to the strange voice in the sky. “I wanted a fantasy sounding name and that is what the name generator gave me.”

“What are we going to do in combat when we have to call to you?” The paladin snaps annoyed at this pointless delay to the adventure.

“What do you want? You want me to change my name to Bob? Will that make you happy?”

… and Bob, the crafty but easily distracted rogue, make their way through the desert heat in search of the legendary dungeon.

“I hate you guys so much right now,” the rogue says, annoyed by the ominous voice in the sky. His annoyance evaporates away when he sees a giant cave opening in the distance.

“Hey … hey guys! I see something.”

Jorun the paladin and Varonis the wizard rush towards the rogue’s side. Jorun places his hand over his brow and gazes in the direction Bob is pointing. “Good eyes on you, Bob. It is remarkable that you could spot that from so far away.”

“My name is … Forget it. Let’s just check it out.”

*****

The giant cave opening, set in the side of a rocky cliff face, is dark and seems to moan when the wind blows over the opening. Our three adventurers brace themselves as they prepare to enter the …

“Actually, I would like to the check out the village first.” The wizard interrupts the narrative voice in the sky.

Wait … what?

“I thought we would check out the village. That is how these adventurers typically start right.”

You guys were complaining about how all the adventures start off in the bar typical adventure hook. I’m trying to start you off in action. Skip over Act one and head right into Act Two.

“I would like to check out the store and get some equipment,” says Bob the rogue while looking through his bags. His bag's full of equipment when he was creating his character. Full of equipment because it is assumed that the adventurers have already gone through the process of shopping and bar visiting and …

“Lose the passive aggressive attitude.” Bob closes his bags and looks to rest of the party. “We just want to stop off in town for a bit. No big deal.”

I don’t have anything built for a town.

“Well, just wing it.” Varonis laughs and starts to walk away from the cave entrance.

Suddenly the ground starts to shake. The ground beneath the adventurers opens up and they fall into the void below.

*****

“Ow,” Bob says more sarcastically than from actual harm, “this isn’t what he meant by ‘wing it’.”

“It looks like the hole we fell through is closing up.” Jorun points to the ceiling and watches as the last beam of light from the surface fades away.

Some one in the void mutters some arcane words and a burst of light erupts from in front of Varonis. He cast a spell of light on to the end of his staff. The light illuminates the cavern, showing the northern and eastern walls are made from worked stone. There are two doors, one on the …

“Dammit! Doors!” Bob the rogue stomps his boots in disgust. “I hate doors!”

“What’s the matter with him?” Jorun asks Varonis the question while actually trying to remain in character.

“No way! You know why I hate doors.” Bob waves his finger at the ceiling in an attempt to tell off the somehow all-knowing voice in the sky. “In your campaigns, doors might as well be encounters. They are always locked, trapped, stuck, or some combination of three. They are never just doors!”

That is the fault of the random dungeon generator I used. It is not my … Why am I arguing it. If this is always a problem, then you should be prepared for it.

Bob the rogue, dejected by the argument with the victorious voice in the sky, reluctantly walks up to the door on the eastern wall. He carefully observes the door before touching it, fearful of any possible traps that might be concealed within. Once he feels confident that it is safe, he gently grips the handle and tries to turn it. The handle doesn’t turn.

“See! What did I tell you?” Bob gestures a hand at the rest of the party.

“Surely you know how to pick a lock, Bob?” Jorun glares at Bob, “Is it not a common practice in your trade?”

Bob shrugs and opens up his bag. He rummages through it until he finds his lock picking tools. “Alright, I will give it a shot.”

*****

“How’s it going with the lock, Bob?” Varonis asks rhetorically. Bob has been working on the lock for several minutes now.

“I would be doing better if I could roll anything higher than a five!” Bob snaps back. He is contemplating on just using the heavily armored paladin as a battering ram.

Jorun grimaces at Bob’s out of character comment. “Perhaps we should break the door down?”

“And announce our presence to whatever is on the other side?” Varonis counters, “Just give Bob a little more time.”

Perhaps you should try the other door?

“You got to be kidding me?” Bob almost drops his lock pick at the words. “There is another door?”

Yeah. There is one on the east wall and one on the north wall.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Varonis snaps at the smug voice in the sky. Jorun covers his face with his gauntleted hand.

I did tell you. Bob just interrupted me with his whole door rant. You should really pay better attention.

“Whatever.” Bob resigns himself to check the other door. He goes through the same process to look for traps. When he checks to see the door is locked he is relieved to find it opens.

“Careful, Bob,” Jorun says in a hushed voice, “let us peek inside first before we just burst in to the room.”

Bob follows Jorun’s advice and peeks through the cracked door. He sees the door leads into a wide hallway and down the far end are two figures standing around a camp fire.

“What do you see?” Varonis asks earnestly.

“I see the first encounter of this dungeon.” As Bob breaks character, yet again, Jorun fantasizes about punching him in the face.

“Can you give us a little more detail than that?” Jorun asks through gritted teeth.

“Two humanoid figures around a campfire, can’t give you anymore detail than that without going in.”

“It’s getting kind of late, and I got work in the morning,” Varonis says looking at his bare wrist.

“Yeah, we should save this encounter for next time.” Bob closes the door. Jorun looks at both Bob and Varonis with a confused look on his face.

I agree, we can pick back up next time. Drive home safe.

[Winds]

Behold, I write.



Deserever Steg Gnihtyreve

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Jack drops us in the...this...Material Plane as we leave, which was nice. The hot air balloon is gone, but Jessica pulls a magic carpet from the doorway of the tower.


“You...when? When did you get that?”

“We traded for it when we met that wizard.”

As before, Aileph and Jessica look a bit uncomfortable. Their visit to the wizard was no accident, I suppose. But then, what do I care? They're my allies. And in any case, I imagine they'll tell me the whole story sooner or later.

It isn't an eventful journey, so we reach the tower...after a fashion. The compass points at a city on the back of a...thing. It's huge, and malformed somehow...although, I can't recall anything in particular about it looking malformed.


You would think I'd be able to look at things like this. I've had my mind cracked open purposefully, I would think something mostly akin to mind-bending demons wouldn't get any hold on me.


...Sad how that's the only thing I find strange about a city-carrying reality warper wandering around this world.


In any case, it doesn't seem like anyone lives in the city. We land and dismount without any reaction. It only gets stranger once we do. The streets are made of a dark, chitinous material. It doesn't feel like that, though. It feels like walking on a stack of needles in bare feet, even though I'm wearing boots.

“Another twisted place” growls Aileph, clearly annoyed to find yet another such ruin. “Let's get this over with.”


So we all walk in, in our customary formation...


And find ourselves looking at the edge of the city. So we turn around...twice. The edge, again. Then I notice Kol is nowhere to be seen.

“Hmp. That was quick. Well, let's start looking...”

I turn and walk along the edge, and suddenly find myself deeper in the city.


“Ah. Well. Come out, then. I know someone's lurking here, come get me and get it over with.”


To my surprise, it's 'Jack' that comes out.


“Lost track of my daughter already, have you? I should not have expected one such as you to do any better.”


“Tell it to the paladin, he's still with her. Or so I assume. You would know, wouldn't you? I'm going to rejoin them...as soon as you get out of my way.”

He stands to the side, in a somewhat mocking manner.

Remembering the odd way we returned to the city edge when we tried to go in, I turn and walk away from him instead of past him...and find myself at the city center.

A phantasm that only works if I assume it's honest? I'm almost insulted.

In any case, I see Kol across the square from me. I can tell he's hiding, not even in my line of sight, but I see him clearly regardless. Between us is the tower...sort of. The top has been broken off, and aberrant...things...are pouring out. Lots of them.

Kol glances around, and starts to move in/away. I do as well, and notice Aileph and Jessica following/leaving. We make our way inside without any abberations taking note. Not a good sign...if they're being that purposeful, we'll have to deal with them later. But that's a problem for later. The problem for now is what's inside. An mind flayer...one that seems to be smirking at us, even without a proper mouth. It's standing over the pedestal, and holding it's hands like it's ready to start casting spells.

“Cccccome then. This tower is mine, take it from me.”


I step to the right, experimentally. The reverse effect holds sway here...so I charge out of the tower at top speed, determined to drive the sword into the pedestal.

The 'flayer is surprised by that, and vanishes as the sword comes free in my hand. My head hurts.

“Couldn't even see a trick like that coming? What did it think we were going to do? Ah well.”


The others are walking towards me, when I notice movement in the corner of my eye. Everything suddenly goes black...

[Dr Bwaa]

@mebecronck

Spoiler: The Adventurers Odd

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The rogue shouts to the strange voice in the sky.

hahahaha. Including the narrator as an OOC presence is a nice touch.

... and Bob, the crafty but easily distracted rogue

Saw that one coming lol

It is remarkable that you could spot that from so far away.

Jorun talks kind of like a wizard. Or like someone trying to RP sarcastic pride

“Actually, I would like to the check out the village first.” The wizard interrupts the narrative voice in the sky.

hahahaha

His bags full of equipment when he was creating his character. Full of equipment because it is assumed that the adventurers have already gone through the process of shopping and bar visiting and ...

*bag's, but this is great.

I don’t have anything built for a town.

“Well, just wing it.”

You do a great job with the narrative speaking both to the readers and to the characters. This is a particularly funny instance

Suddenly the ground starts to shake.

What car does the GM drive?

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A Fiat

“Dammit! Doors!” Bob the rogue stomps his boots in disgust. “I hate doors!”

hahahaha. I like Bob the Rogue.

“What’s the matter with him?” Jorun asks Varonis the question while actually trying to remain in character.

lol. This seems like it deserves an "in-character" response from Bob.

“You got to be kidding me?” Bob almost drops his lock pick at the words. “There is another door?”

ahahahaha. Yes.

“I see the first encounter of this dungeon.” As Bob breaks character, yet again, Jorun fantasizes about punching him in the face.

I'm starting to think that Jorun might be an NPC

Jorun looks at both Bob and Varonis with a confused look on his face.

Getting more likely all the time, haha. Fun snippet

@Winds

Spoiler: Desevrever Steg Gnihtyreve

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Desevrever

Shouldn't that be "Desrever"?

The hot air balloon is gone, but Jeccica pulls a magic carpet from the doorway of the tower.

*Jessica

I imagine they'll tell me the whole story sooner or later.

Sure they will.

we reach the tower...after a fashion. The compass points at a city on the back of a...thing. It's huge, and malformed somehow...although

Maybe a little heavy on the ellipses here.

malformed somehow...although, I can't recall anything about it looking malformed.

Maybe "anything specific about it...", or something else to clarify the intended emphasis. Without knowing where the sentence is going ahead of time, it's a little confusing.

The streets are made of a dark, chitinous material. It doesn't feel like that, though. It feels like walking on a stack of needles in bare feet, even though I'm wearing boots.

I know someone's lurking here, com get me and get it over with.

*come

I'm going to rejoin them...as some as you get out of my way.

*soon, I think

n any case, I see the Kol across the square from me.

Extra "the" in here.

We make inside without any abberations taking note.

Missing a word.

The others are walking towards me, when I notice movement in the corner of my eye. Everything suddenly goes black...

You do some really cool perspective-y things in here. Enjoyable overall, if a little mind-boggling.

[mebecronck]

@Dr Bwaa

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Your critique of my recent writing goes in here.

YES! YES! YES! Victory dance time. Everything is a compliment and only one grammatical error. I'm making progress as a writer.

Backflip time.

*thump*

Ouch ... shouldn't have tried that.

[Winds]

...Behold, I fix incredibly shortsighted grammar errors.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

So are you folks still alive?? Also, as a plug to another thread, the Iron Poet is looking for one more judge before it starts, if any of you folk are interested.

[mebecronck]

I'm still alive. I'm just having a hard time finding time to sit down and write. This is the busiest time of the year for me; at work and at home. I will try my best to post something tomorrow.