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2012-01-08, 08:13 PM (ISO 8601)
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2012-01-08, 08:17 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
SpoilerOn ages: It could be that earth ponies live a realy, realy long time. I would guess pegusi live the shortest, considering we have yet to see a oldish pegusi, even in Cloudsdale, while older earth ponies and unicorns can be found in abundance.
Wild thunderstorms make apples grow on earth pony lands. Unicorns extract the stuff from the apple to make the liquid rainbow colors. Pegusi mixes the stuff in the factories, because it will not do it correctly unless it is in a strict altitude limit.
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2012-01-08, 08:17 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2009
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Or possibly even older. I've got no idea why.
Anyway,
The Fall of Cloudsdale Review
Spoiler"Ditzy! DITZY! Flip the switch NOW! We need to leave the Time Vortex!"
"It's stuck, Doctor!"
The two ponies, a brown Earth-pony stallion and a gray wall-eyes Pegasus mare, were shaking violently as they held onto their positions. The room they were in was shaking violently, as the TARDIS flew uncontrollably through the Time Vortex.
Sudenly, they felt themselves slow down and come to a gentle halt on the ground. A blue unicorn was leaning by the wall nearby, her horn glowing and her eyes obviously displaying annoyance.
As a result of this media-res-into-instant-fix opening, I feel vaguely hostile towards this story and resentful towards the characters.
"Doctor, Derpy, surely you can manage better than that without my help," Colgate said, sighing. "Derpy, you were trying to flip the lever up, when it was supposed to go a notch downward. Doctor, I expect better from you: you had your hoof on two buttons at the same time. I mean, really, I shouldn't have to come save your sorry plots when you're flying your own TARDIS."
Also, the speech is way too specific and speech-y and mean. The character is better presented as a bored and frustrated one-upper by just walking up to the panels and making a fix by hoof rather than lecturing them about it. I don't like her already as a result.
"Well, I suppose we should see when we are, don't you think?" the Doctor said, getting back to his normal, upbeat, thrill-seeking self.
"Yeah, I'm Goldrings. And this is just a cloud I'm building up to shower Sweet Apple Acres. You'll notice a lack of buildings until that... thing popped in. Where have you been the past two years?"
You don't stand at a 10ft distance and exchanged clipped dialogue and questions like a Bioware robot. That's not what people do.
"Derpy, you should probably know that while you've been traveling, Cloudsdale fell from the sky," Goldrings said, sitting down and glaring at the three travelers.
This entire conversation feels surreal and incomprehensible. A magical teleporting box appeared and out comes a long-lost friend and two aliens, and you're currently living in a post-apocalyptic future where everything you know and love has been destroyed in a mysterious calamity, and they're discussing the minutae of harvesting vapourware.
"How could you have accidentally been travelling for two whole years?" Goldrings asked incredulously. "I mean, unless it's a flapping time machine, that seems a little ridiculous!"
"It is!" the Doctor said excitedly.
"What."
I, personally, don't know who Romana is; I'm vaguely aware she's another Time Lord from previous Dr Who seasons, but I've never seen her and as far as I'm aware Colgate is just being a jackass for some reason. If I had never seen David Tennant, I'd be having the same response to everything Whooves says. What's a TARDIS? What's a time machine? What's it feel like to stand on clouds, looking down at the wreckage of a shattered city? What do these ponies sound like? Who are they?
And this kind of thing,
"Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey," the Doctor said, for about the dozenth time.
"Well, there was The Family. And I tend to run into Daleks a lot. Oh, and the Cyberponies. Remember them, Colgate?" the Doctor said.
"Don't remind me. Horrible, horrible creatures. Almost as bad as the Daleks themselves," Colgate answered.
"I pity them, really," the Doctor said. "You should, too. You met Gold Strike before he was converted."
"Fixed point," the Doctor answered seriously. "Trust me, this is something that I cannot change."
"But what about 'wibbly wobbly, timey wimey'?" Goldrings asked. "If time is always, as you say 'in flux', this can't have any major repercussions."
"I can't tell you the details!" the Doctor yelled. "I won't go back, and I won't change it! Final answer!"
Also, tell, tell, tell, tell. In Fringe, Walter Bishop would constantly build silly little models using sweets and toys to demonstrate the bulldust scientific concept he was about to apply, which gave us a visual way to understand the process rather than THIS IS THE SCIENCE RULES speeches. Show us things.
She and Goldrings went outside and took to the air. Goldrings chose to lead, and he knew exactly where to take his friend. They flew to the east of Ponyville, over the orchard of Sweet Apple Acres and across an empty field close to the Everfree Forest. Or rather, it would've been empty, had it not been for a few quickly-constructed buildings on the ground. Pegasi walked through the streets (if they could be called such) of the miniature town. Rainbow Dash, of all ponies, seemed to be in charge. She was directing a a few Royal Guards about the day's defenses against anything that may creep from the forest.
"That's Cloudsdale?" Ditzy asked. Her voice conveyed hurt from the scene of her former home in such a sad state.
Okay I'm not sure I can take this. A giant city built out of clouds has fallen from the sky and CRASHED DRAMATICALLY INTO THE GROUND. It was one of the greatest tragedies of living memories. Hundreds lost their homes, centuries of history have been lost, and the greatest city in Equestria met it's end.
You do not get to describe that scene with 'an empty field with a few buildings'. You do not. That is not allowed.
What about the ruins of the weather-factory, broken machinery churning out vast and terrible thunderstorms that blight the landscape, barely kept in check by teams of exhausted pegasai? What about where the rainbow stores burst, raining down prismatic hues over a huge stretch of land? What about the collapsed snowflake factory that brought down a blizzard in July, the weight of the snow causing the trees thick with leaves to snap like twigs under their own weight? This is a disaster, an unmitigated, inconceivable disaster where all the worst chaos of unregulated weather is on the loose.
You do not get to describe that scene in less than a paragraph. And a paragraph with "THINGS ARE FINE" as the basic message.
The very idea almost makes me too angry to continue reading.
"Tell me, Derpy," Goldrings said, halting in midair. "How could Cloudsdale falling, killing a dozen and wounding a hundred, possibly lead to something good?"
"I... I don't know," Ditzy admitted.
"Could stopping this event have a good outcome?" Goldrings continued.
"Maybe..." Ditzy answered.
"Ok, then. And are you aware that among the dead were three fillies and two colts?" Goldrings asked.
I reckon I'm done here.
Look, this story is pretty bad by any of my standards. I did not enjoy reading it at any point. I would actively advise others not to read it.
But, here's the thing, I've written things just as bad in the past and I've grown from it. There are a lot of things you can do to improve your general understanding and proficiency with writing - and the number one thing to do is to do more reading. Read the greats; Tolkien, Pratchett, Lian Hearn, Neil Gaiman. Look at how they write, how they structure sentences, paragraphs, story. Learn about dramatic weight, learn how to write descriptions, learn how to paint pictures with your words. Observe conversations, listen to how people speak. Learn what makes people likeable, figure out how people react to things. Observe the world. Look at footage from natural disasters and their consequences; look at the ruins and the aftermath.
Writing is about painting a picture, building a world, drawing us in to your own mind and showing us what it's like. It's a process you can improve at through hard work and research, dedicated observation and constant practise. Don't get discouraged and don't stop learning, but the best way to learn is to be your own worst critic, and the best way to be a better critic of yourself is to expand the number and quality of people you're comparing yourself to.
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2012-01-08, 08:32 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2011
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Hasbro has only ordered a half-season for Season Three so far, and 13 more episodes makes 65, which is a common place for American cartoons to stop production. OTOH, do note that I said if Hasbro holds firm. No one official has made any sort of statement to the effect that 65 is all there will be.
Meanwhile, Re: Diamond Tiara, A quote from Orthodox Gozerite on Poniboruu:
SpoilerSomebody has to be the villain and Diamond Tiara not only does it, she does it with style.
Imagine the day she got her cutie mark. Her special talent is to be a child of privilege, a bane to the maladjusted and outcast everywhere, the forge in which they will learn strength, friendship and self-worth. Her only reward is to be hated, humiliated and pushed into the pool at the end of every "slobs versus snobs" film ever made.
And that burden was dropped on her shoulders as a child.
Diamond Tiara's response? "Alright chums, let's do this. DIIIAAAMOOND TIAARRAAA!"Blue Star Topaz is my name
Equestria's my station
The Elements define my creed
The Herd's my destination
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2012-01-08, 09:04 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Wow. Throughout the four or five fanfictions I've posted here in ponythread, I have managed to evade a compliment every single time. Nothing positive can be said about them, by anyone. Fine, I get the point.
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2012-01-08, 09:31 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2009
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
See, right now, even though I don't like your writing, I respect you for trying to write. I see myself in these stories, and see how far I've come from them. You're at the start of a very long journey.
If you take the path of bitterness and stop writing and stop improving as a result, only then will I stop respecting you.
Do you want compliments or do you want to improve?Last edited by Thanqol; 2012-01-08 at 09:36 PM.
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2012-01-08, 09:41 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Sorta-Episode-y:
SpoilerI'm glad your fanfic survived the Granny-centric episode! I also look forward to the next installment of your fic
Oh goodness, if true this would make me quite happy! One can always hope...
So adorable!
Episode:
SpoilerThey owe you and me both, BlasTech...Scootabunny nearly killed me!
I am strongly considering if it would be possible for me to get away and come to the next con in July. Especially after all the news from this one and the promise of Lauren Faust herself showing up!
There's a story in that Lyra picture, I'm convinced - a musician making beautiful music that reflects the hope of something outside a city that can only approach beauty itself at night as stars bloom on the street rather than in the sky...
Suddenly I am curious to know how old Thanqol thinks I am...although I think I've mentioned my age somewhere in a thread long past...
Hmm, definitely a different take on her character...interesting too.
Hold up a sec. I don't think anyone is trying to trash your fics. You've requested critiques on them, and so folks have to concentrate on the weak points that are present - that's how you get better at writing (and any other skill) - you need to identify what you're doing wrong and strive to improve it. I can understand that it's hard to watch something you've worked on get pulled apart, but from what I know of the posters and writers in this thread, they're doing it to help you, not to make you feel bad or unwanted.Last edited by the_druid_droid; 2012-01-08 at 09:42 PM.
This Machine Surrounds Hate And Forces It To Surrender
Ponythread Learns to Draw!
SpoilerBleeeeh! Alfalfa Monster!
Avatar by Aruius
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2012-01-08, 09:50 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Stop writing? No, I don't intend to do that. I certainly like to improve, and I am thankful for the... help, but I also enjoy hearing about what I did right. I have not heard that, which leads me to assume I did nothing right. And that hurts.
Last edited by legomaster00156; 2012-01-08 at 09:54 PM.
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2012-01-08, 09:58 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2009
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Unfortunately, finding things done right is a really weird thing in writing. If any element is wrong, then that can poison a whole story. If the pacing is off then that can make good dialogue bad, if the descriptions don't work then that can make good concepts terrible, if we're not clued in at the start then we can read the entire thing in a stupor and not know anything about anything. If you get three or more structural flaws together than it's hard to pick out the good at all.
Again, I make my observation that you've got a very self-taught, TV-script approach to writing. You're starting off by trying to replicate and translate an alien medium. Adaptation is an enormously complex thing and elements that work in one media simply do not work in another. As a result, my biggest recommendation that I think will completely redefine your writing in a better direction, is to change your source material. Make your inspiration and references books and short stories and the old masters of writing rather than television shows and movies.
If I can assist you with anything at this stage, it's getting you progressing in the right direction. I believe this is the best way.
EDIT:
Here's a challenge. Read several stories by the same author, and then tell me that author's core competency - what they do best. Dialogue, pacing, broad descriptions, atmosphere, whatever it is. And then think about how they do that and how you can use that for your own writing.Last edited by Thanqol; 2012-01-08 at 10:01 PM.
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2012-01-08, 11:01 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2007
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Wow, I didn't realize it but I guess that is a thing after all. (Danger! TvTropes link!)
Still, I'll refrain from panicking until it becomes official in any way. Do you have a link to where they announced that only half of season 3 was ordered?Proof-reading is totally unnecessary in the digital age now that we have spell cheque.
Pony thread's official Element of Youtube
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2012-01-08, 11:04 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Ponymagic IRC
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
As soon as I saw the Lyra picture this started playing in my head:
SpoilerWhat a beautiful noise
Comin' up from the street
Got a beautiful sound
It's got a beautiful beat
It's a beautiful noise
Goin' on everywhere
Like the clickety-clack
Of a train on a track
It's got a rhythm to spare
It's a beautiful noise
And it's sound that I love
And it's fit me as well
As a hand in a glove
Yes it does, yes it does
What a beautiful noise
Comin' up from the park
It's the song of the kids
And it plays until dark
It's the song of the cars
On their furious flights
But there's even romance
In the way that they dance
To beat of the lights
It's a beautiful noise
And it's a sound that I love
And it makes me feel good
Like a hand in a glove
Yes it does, yes it does
What a beautiful noise
It's a beautiful noise
Made of joy and of strife
Like a symphony played
By a passing parade
It's the music of life
What a beautiful noise
Comin' up to my room
And it's beggin' for me
Just to give it a tune
-- Neil Diamond
EDIT:
It was around early November on EqD but I can't find the exact article; it might have been inside a daily update. I thought we discussed it at the time but I might be getting my fora crossed.Last edited by Topaz; 2012-01-08 at 11:29 PM.
Blue Star Topaz is my name
Equestria's my station
The Elements define my creed
The Herd's my destination
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2012-01-08, 11:11 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Well I can say from reading your fics that there isn't anything truly wrong with them. They are well written and I never feel like I have to work to read my way through unlike certain other fics. (You did write that story about Spike being passed from generation to generation and the one where DJ PON3 was deaf right?)
Spoiler: I'm a writer!Spoiler: Check out my fanfiction[URL="https://www.fanfiction.net/u/7493788/Forum-Explorer"here[/URL]
]Fate Stay Nano: Fate Stay Night x Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha
I Fell in Love with a Storm: MLP
Procrastination: MLP
Spoiler: Original FictionThe Lost Dragon: A story about a priest who finds a baby dragon in his church and decides to protect them.
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2012-01-08, 11:20 PM (ISO 8601)
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2012-01-08, 11:54 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Warriors & Wuxia: A community world-building project focused on low-magic wuxia/kung-fu action using ToB.
"These 'no-nonsense' solutions of yours just don't hold water in a complex world of jet-powered apes and time travel."
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2012-01-09, 12:58 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Attention, ponythread artists.
Just thought you'd like to know.
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2012-01-09, 12:59 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2009
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2012-01-09, 02:31 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Last edited by Draconi Redfir; 2012-01-09 at 02:33 AM.
Avy by Thormag
Spoiler
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2012-01-09, 06:05 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
You've gotta be careful where you throw around that kind of information, mate. People might take you seriously!
Hey, no. It's just as Thanqol has said; we figured you were actively after critique specifically. On that note, I haven't even read any of your works; I haven't read any fanfiction in months. You're on the list, though, if that helps. Just remember; a lack of comments is not ignoring you, it's just not having anything to say at the moment.
Vinyl, deaf? That sounds like a good read actually.
good timing. I guess I had better work on clearing some schedule time! Thank you, PhoeKun.
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Blah. I am wiped. Emotionally exhausted, mentally fatigued, and generally sad I have to go home. Bronies on the east coast are warm enough to make up for the ridiculous temperatures! Which is good, because ridiculous temperatures are ridiculous.
So in 12 hours I will draw the blinds dog my own room, force, coerce or cajole my cats into snuggling, and pass out. In an attempt to develop a new sleep rhythm. And then I catch up on the last ten or so pages! Yay~
...
*collapses*
Jaaaaaaaade, how do you live like this?!
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2012-01-09, 09:38 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2009
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
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2012-01-09, 10:51 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
So I was putzing around youtube watching pony one-liners from various episodes, but there's one I want to see that I can't find. Mainly, Twilight Sparkle in the first episode making those little sarcastic noises after Spike tells her to lighten up. Any help?
Avatar by Glasswhistle
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2012-01-09, 11:10 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
so i had a very silly idea after watching rocky
in brief
the ponies go to fillydelphia for a boxing tournament that Rainbow dash is involved in
the meet the Italian Stallion
madness ensues
thoughts?
(this may become a fan fic ya never know)
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2012-01-09, 11:28 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Nov 2007
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Well, this guy has uploaded a freakin' ton of 5-second moments from pony episodes, you could start there. They should be in roughly in chronological order.
Honestly, though, if you know roughly where it is in the episode it may be quicker to download the entire first episode and chop out the parts you want.
Are you looking for the video clip or just the audio?Proof-reading is totally unnecessary in the digital age now that we have spell cheque.
Pony thread's official Element of Youtube
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2012-01-09, 11:32 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Hi, I'm from the Internet, and I'm here to help.
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2012-01-09, 11:34 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Going to Fillydelphia for a tournament that Rainbow Dash is in, sounds very pony, but boxing seems off to me. At least, boxing as it is as a human sport. It would need a less violent quadruped version of the sport to work, Ithink.
Hehehhee. I really like the idea of the Italian Stallion, Rocky, though. That's clever!inner circle Legionary of Resiliance
I love my Ceikatars!
Spoiler
Not here as much. I am out Roman around.
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2012-01-09, 11:45 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Dec 2006
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
and i TOTALLY see AJ as the one competing not RD
Ponies not only make ME want to be a better person than I was before they entered my life, they make me want to HELP OTHERS be better people too.
And that is a GOOD thing by any definition.
full size avatar
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2012-01-09, 11:57 AM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
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2012-01-09, 01:13 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2011
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
That's beautiful. I suddenly have a much larger apreciation for that picture.
Before I just thought it looked nice ^^:
Very good! I had no idea what to draw today. This should help motivate me!
Huh. I don't even remember her doing that.
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2012-01-09, 01:41 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Recent Homebrew: The Socialite | The Crystalline: Memory Altering Construct Race | Sanguine Hand, a ToB Discipline of blood and cruelty
Homebrew Signature | NEW Homebrew Collection
Thanks to all my avatar artists, especially to Paisley for my avatar of Vivian, cowardly cryophoenix.
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2012-01-09, 01:57 PM (ISO 8601)
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Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Ok so guys. THIS VIDEO is fantastic.
The voice actors are pretty damn good.
WARNING LANGUAGE AND BACON.ADVENTURE!!!!!
My current story ponies-Ponylagann in the Ponythread.
Spoiler
NightScream
Ponyard
SkyRocket
Filly Pokey Pierce
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2012-01-09, 02:01 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2008
Re: My Little Pony XXXV: The Thread Everypony Should Know
Hi. Remember my Christmas challenge. That one?
Yeah. Here's 1/4 of it.
Jeezus but writing Spike x Spike (Rainbow Dash) is not for the faint-hearted.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1.../edit?hl=en_GB
EDIT: Actual shipping has not commenced and frankly I don't know whether I can pull off the shipping or not.Last edited by Grif; 2012-01-09 at 02:03 PM.