More Funny D&D Stories

[GAAD]

Did that character have their parents murdered by consonants or something?

Eh, Uaye not?

[JBPuffin]

So my 5e group is just fantastic. Nine players have rolled characters, not counting the GM, and at the moment seven is both the max and quite possibly the average. GM's brilliant, everyone knows the rules for doing things so mechanics take up very little time, RP is top notch...and it's a weekly game. So, in the past three months, we've had all sorts of crazy adventures, most of which I didn't keep good records of. A couple of things stand out, though...

Spoiler: The Party

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Lancelot Feathersword, Human Abjurer. Young, but grew up on some of the meanest streets in the world and lived to tell the tale. Does a lot of blasting in combat, and doesn't play so well with others outside.

Mac Ganahan, Human Champion. As per the norm for the player, he's not all there mentally - illiterate, player makes "brain checks" every now and again - but he's a blender in combat.

JJ - Human Hunter (Archer). From the future and packing BBGuns of death, uses Sharpshooter like it's going out of style. Think redneck gunslinger, and you know JJ at his finest.

Bellfire - Human War/Light (?) Cleric. Lancelot's buddy from their days in the Red Hand guild (no relation to any other Red Hand). Childish, but does alright.

Bullet Nightshade - Elf(?) Assassin. Stereotypical Rogue in a lot of ways. Drinks, steals, dives needlessly yet insanely stealthily across rooms...

Emira - Half-Elf Knowledge Cleric. The newest member of the group (and the only female within five miles of it ), having come from another planet to help us save ours. Murder with a rapier, but shy. Single-handedly killed an alien with her rapier and some untrained Acrobatics.

Vivald - Human Arctic Druid. My character, the lovable oaf. Barely twenty years old, but an experienced soldier. Still hasn't gotten used to his abilities (his god switched him from Life Cleric to Druid rather suddenly), but does triple duty as comic relief, medic, and low Intelligence cloud cuckoo lander.

Two other Rogues have passed through the party, one dead and the other relegated to NPCdom until his player can come back to our state.

As for some stories...

Spoiler: Screw Pacifism...

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First session for Vivald. Party is in an old keep to meet a mighty wizard when we are attacked by three advanced harpies (each with like a hundred hp or more >.<). JJ, Mac, Lance, and the now-dead Rogue do their work on two of them, but the sheer amount of HP is making things hard. Meanwhile, Vivi, at this point a Neutral Good Cleric of Life, decides a pacifist solution is best, so he pulls out a rope and pins the third to the ground.

Cue group's snickering about Vivi wanting to do more than keep the harpy safe.

Cue harpy escaping, then tripping face-first.

Cue in-character laughter from the rest of party, and Vivi goes after the thing with his javelin.

Suffice to say, his first fight was one of his worst . He didn't try that again.

Spoiler: The Shadow

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About two levels later, Emira joins the group as an unorthodox dual-wielding Dex-based Cleric. Despite having no skill training in these fields, in two back-to-back sessions she has walked a mile underground behind a party of four without being detected, back-flipped off a wall to pin a floating alien to the ground with her rapier and scimitar (crit with one of those), and known how a ship-trailing cloud pattern worked that the Druid couldn't recognize. Said Druid, of course, having rolled a 0 on his Nature check (negative Int is great for him), responded by running around the ship screaming, "There's no snow coming from the clouds! What is this madness?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh!" Some people got it, others...

Then again, if he hadn't stepped in, she would have been too sea sick to make the Nature check, sooo .

Next session is half a week away, and this time, I plan on keeping notes. We've got some pirates to fight, matey!

[evangaline]

This is the story of why I love my players:

I have an M&M campain I run for two of my friends. They wanted to go inside a temple filled to the brim with beetles. You could not see the floors, the walls or the ceiling due to the mass of crawling beetles. Fun fact: they do not have major aoe, although they have earth-shattering strength, and high-speed flight and true genius. The odds were simply stacked against them. They went in nonetheless.

It was a horrible choice. They enter that temple, and the massive swarm of magical beetles wants them dead. One of them, Sora, screws up and gets completely buried in the moving mass of beetles. One of the beetles crawls inside his mouth, almost ripping out his tongue. Others nearly eat his eyes straight from his skull. That was the point they decided it was time to get the everliving **** out off there.

They decide those beetles were the scariest bastards they have ever encountered. Rightiously so, I was really playing up the horror of those black masses of bugs. That stuff was straigt-up nightmare fuel. So what do they do?
They invest their significant wealth to develop a species of beetle-eaters to wipe those beetles of the face of the earth. They gather some ant-eaters, genetically enhance them to have more armour, razorsharp teeth, superfast breeding and metabolism and more! And next session they will unleash their new species, "The Beet, Le fockeur". This is pronounced with a French accent.

The beetles were going to be important in plot, and one of the main assets of the bad guy. I guess they are now demoted to background characters

[Inevitability]

This is the story of why I love my players:

I have an M&M campain I run for two of my friends. They wanted to go inside a temple filled to the brim with beetles. You could not see the floors, the walls or the ceiling due to the mass of crawling beetles. Fun fact: they do not have major aoe, although they have earth-shattering strength, and high-speed flight and true genius. The odds were simply stacked against them. They went in nonetheless.

It was a horrible choice. They enter that temple, and the massive swarm of magical beetles wants them dead. One of them, Sora, screws up and gets completely buried in the moving mass of beetles. One of the beetles crawls inside his mouth, almost ripping out his tongue. Others nearly eat his eyes straight from his skull. That was the point they decided it was time to get the everliving **** out off there.

They decide those beetles were the scariest bastards they have ever encountered. Rightiously so, I was really playing up the horror of those black masses of bugs. That stuff was straigt-up nightmare fuel. So what do they do?
They invest their significant wealth to develop a species of beetle-eaters to wipe those beetles of the face of the earth. They gather some ant-eaters, genetically enhance them to have more armour, razorsharp teeth, superfast breeding and metabolism and more! And next session they will unleash their new species, "The Beet, Le fockeur". This is pronounced with a French accent.

The beetles were going to be important in plot, and one of the main assets of the bad guy. I guess they are now demoted to background characters

You know what they say: when live gives you lemons, genetically engineer a species of armored lemon-eaters.

[2D8HP]

You know what they say: when live gives you lemons, genetically engineer a species of armored lemon-eaters.

Someone should sig this!

[dehro]

Beetles fly, don't they? Did they remember to make sure their modified beetle eaters also fly?
If not, coupled with extra rapid reproduction, those ant eaters might start giving their creators funny looks, if their main food source just ups and leaves..
Isn't that how most monster movies start? With people playing with genetics until stuff gets out of hand?

[Inevitability]

Someone should sig this!

Permission granted.

[Vertharrad]

You know what they say: when live gives you lemons, genetically engineer a species of armored lemon-eaters.

I will leave this here...

[GuesssWho]

I will leave this here...

My first thought too!

[Aldreck]

This story comes from a session from my first D&D campaign, Curse of Strahd played to 5E Adventurer's League rules. There were a lot of players at the table that night, but the main highlights were provided by two characters, Gruss and Logar. Gruss can be summed up as "every stereotype of a CN Half Orc Barbarian" except for the fact that he's an unusually talented bagpipe player (musical instrument proficiency from the Outlander background, you see). Logar is a Dwarf Cleric, who's player claims he is insane in order to justify roleplaying him as Chaotic Stupid. Whenever he declares "Logar gets bored", we know he's about to do something incredibly stupid and/or funny (example from another session: "Logar gets bored and stabs the Abbot the party has just spent the last 10 minutes negotiating with").

Anyway, as the session begins we've begun a quest to clear some monsters out of a vineyard, and we encounter a hostile druid, who we subdue but don't kill straight away. We try to interrogate him but learn he can only speak druidic, which none of the party speak, and the vineyard owner tells us he's probably an agent of Strahd who won't be missed if we kill him. Gruss and Logar begin swapping ideas about how to do so, which get more and more gruesome until they settle on hanging him from a tree branch and "pinata-ing" him to death. The DM awards Inspiration for their... colourful descriptions of the violence, and Logar insists on landing the killing blow as he has a vampiric spear which gives him temporary HP for doing so.

After we've explored the vineyard some more, we find a wine cellar with a secret door inside. (this door is supposed to be several inches thick and made of stone, and the suggested narration describes it being pulled open with great effort, but before the DM can narrate this Logar smashes his way through it, leaving behind a dwarf-shaped hole). On the other side we find a cave lined with magical moss; the moss absorbs all the heat from the air and the vineyard owner has used it to create a refrigeration system...

Logar's player immediately turns to Gruss' player and shouts "I dare you to lick it!"

Feeling that the dwarf has challenged his sense of honour, Gruss obligingly licks one of the walls and takes 4d6 cold damage. I suggest to the DM that this should lead to a 'tongue on the flagpole' moment, the DM agrees and Gruss gets stuck to the wall. No one is sure of the best way to safely free him from this predicament; Trish the party bard suggests sticking her rapier into the moss and prying his tongue off, but the other players decide she's going to injure him and try to talk her out of it. As we're talking Logar quickly "gets bored" and decides to free Gruss by bouncing up and down on his shoulders; the DM has Gruss make a CON check and, since he just barely makes it, rules that he frees himself painfully, but must take a charisma penalty and speak in a slurred manner for 1d4 (3) hours due to his injured tongue. Finding nothing else in the cave, Logar gets bored again and demands Gruss give him a piggyback ride as they leave; Gruss obliges, but deliberately brushes just a little too close to the wall on the way out; Logar only survives the cold damage because of the temporary HP he got from killing the druid earlier.

The DM declares that Strahd is aware of everything that happened because of his connection to the land, and is now planning to wallpaper his entire castle with magical moss as an extra line of defence against "particularly stupid adventurers."

[GuesssWho]

****, I remember that stuff. My party tried to hit it with a fireball, but since it ate heat that just left us in a building entirely covered in icy moss.

[CyberSurfer2_0]

I've been reading a lot of your awesome stories and this happened today and I couldn't let it go undocumented. A bit long though, sorry.

This is D&D 5th Edition in a custom campaign.

People involved;
DM as General Eberk (dwarf) and General Riardon (elf)
Celestial Gold Dragonborn – Life Domain Cleric of Bahamut; Daryn Toothshakles
Shadowfell Black Dragonborn – Necromancy Wizard; Grindaal Delkra
Stone Genasi – Fighter; Deyoris Stonefist (Female)

A bit of background, so the setting is this custom city our DM put us in called Acrashaan and this play is in total revolution, imagine the French Revolution. Anyway, we decided to take the Royalists side of the matter and after happening upon the main forces of the rebels and after helping the royal guards we became close buddies with the Fighters’ Guild in the city which due to the fact that their main leader is currently being held by these two Generals; Eberk and Riardon.

Now this is where the hilariousness begins to gain momentum, the first time we enter the office the dwarven general, Eberk, greets us with the pleasant smile whereas the other one doesn’t really talk a lot, Eberk tells us that Riardon doesn’t like it when people don’t say his name right. We let it slide, manage to go investigate the house of a government traitor and when we return to the office we have a lot more information and now Riardon is intrigued and tells us he’ll take us to the main council chamber to continue some more investigation.

We come to the council chamber and we split up into the two main sections of this giant room, me and Deyoris take the main room with the council table while Daryn and General Riardon inspect the next room. I start looking through and at that moment I remember that I had gotten evidence that the suspected government traitor was directly controlling the rebellion so I call Riardon over to see the evidence while I’m on all fours on the council table practically sniffing the table for magic. At first perplexed he starts going over the evidence at which point I move from the table to the floor and I turn to the dm and ask;

Me – “Is there a carpet in here?”
DM – “Yeah? Like a fitted carpet.”
Me – “I take a dagger and go to the first point in the carpet and start cutting it open…”

At that point Riardon stops me and starts going on about how I shouldn’t tear the carpet as its costly and that there wouldn’t be anything under the FITTED carpet in the main council chamber and I at first accept. Then I rush over to Deyoris and tell her to start dragging her fingers across the walls which quickly brings Riardon over to her. I immediately continue working on the carpet and with a natural 20 for my stealth check I tear the carpet from the start of the room to the end where I collide with Daryn.

Me – “Oh there’s really nothing under here.” And that sends Riardon into a rage.

He drags me by the collar and I let it slide as I continue making my argument that is was good practice to check, he kept dragging me out the room shouting that we should go back to the fighters’ guild. Now the Celestial dragonborn and the shadowfell dragonborn are custom classes our dm made that have traits that go with those respective plains and one of my shadowfell dragonborn features is that once per day I can cast misty step to teleport into shadows. So I turn to the dm and ask;

Me – “Are there any shadows here?”

He looks at me with a large smile and nods so I just get out of the General’s hands as well as Deyoris’s who had come running to try and hold me down to keep the both of us from moving. Riardon starts going into another rage and then Daryn comes in tells the general to calm down as he’s making a big fuss forcing him into even more fury. I then make a solid argument somewhat calming him down and I accept to make our way back to the Fighters’ Guild.

I start walking down the castle stairs alongside Daryn who I start telling with a loud voice that “there COULD have been runes underneath like before” and the DM tells me I didn’t notice Riardon who had walked somewhat too close for my comfort and upon noticing I go into a sprint rushing to the guild and I try using another shadowfell feature which allows me to hide in dim light however I fail miserably. I then knock at the generals’ office door and instead of walking in Riardon pushes me in and I find Eberk with the same grin on his face. The two then begin discussing something and I try to make my way over but they both stop me so I start walking back. Now Daryn makes a very strong perception check and overhears a few words they say, something about a keep. I walk back and he tells me this so I go to say;

- “What’s this I hear about a keep?”

But before I could go for it both Daryn and Deyoris first cover my mouth then proceed to grapple me by the torso and by the legs and then turn me horizontally keeping me from both walking and talking. The two generals obviously look at the three of us and Deyoris starts ‘explaining’

Deyoris – “Oh yeah this is a kind of game that we do, isn’t that right Grindaal?” and she punches me, with advantage, and still misses, but I pretend to grunt and nod.

The DM makes Deyoris roll a deception check to pass it off, with a very nice total of 11. Riardon instantly so through the ploy but then Eberk (with a roll of 3) took interest and proceeded to take Riardon in a similar position forcing him into an insane fit but the dwarf was incredibly strong, the very image of a dwarf holding an elf twice his size horizontally, simply amazing, we had to stop for a moment we nearly forced a tpk of laughter including the dm. Then Daryn gets the bright idea to continue making this farce hilarious and gags me with some piece of cloth. Eberk liked the idea and grabbed a piece of paper, crumbled it up into a ball and did the same. Now on the desk next to the generals there were a few stray papers and the map to the city, the dm made a roll; even he’d take a random paper, odd he’d take the map and he rolled old unlucky 13. At that moment a random soldier comes bursting in saying there’s an emergency and finds this situation. I make a natural 20 on my save to break free of this grapple, I make a flamboyant flip, land on my feet, yell “Maybe there’s a carpet epidemic.” The urgent message forces Eberk to let Riardon go who takes out the map out of his mouth, tries to flatten it out but instead begins throwing ink bottles and quills all over the place yelling “GRINDAAAAAAL!”

And the voice the dm was using, was practically Lemongrab from Adventure time, if you don’t know that voice find it.

[JackleFree93]

This is from my first RPG ever, a 3.5 game that happened about 5 years ago, during a session in which I got so sick of the mockery for being just a useless "Bard" that I decided to go on strike and stopped using my bard song.

Here is the cast:

The Bard (My character): Half-Elf named Jamion Telagaeth who inspired the party with wondrous limericks and debuffed his foes with alchemical...er...grenades.
The Swashbuckler: Atlan Pirate who went through about three name changes during the game, but at this point was named Inigo Montoya...how original XD. Main method of attack was dancing in the baddies' faces.
The Sorcerer: Half-Demon and by far the most powerful character in the game. They also betrayed the party multiple times and also held a grudge against the Cleric, after they knocked him out with a single punch in the first session...
The Druid: Can't remember their race, but they named themself "The Watcher of Death". This turned out to be a very well-fitting title, but I may get to that in a later post...
The Cleric: Half-Angel, and probably the second most-useful member of the party. Liked taking Acid-baths. Disliked incompetence.

And here are a few things that happened this session:

As I mentioned, the Bard was sick of being treated like a musical slave and decided to try using his...er..."offensive" skills more. This meant no singing, so no +2 to attack and +4d6 damage to the rest of the party members. This also meant that, when the Cleric rolled 2 Criticals with his Mace on the Rak'shasa we were fighting, he still did a grand total of ZERO DAMAGE. A big rant about how I was letting down the party commenced...

...but the Bard would not go back to being useful unless the rest of the party apologised for calling him useless (which they did not do)! I was still eager to prove that Jamion could be useful in a fight though, so whilst the rest of the team stood in the large spherical room battling with this demonic creature I...stood just outside of the room and fired arrows at it. Believe it or not, a lucky critical roll from the bow was able to kill the Rak'shasa...and trigger the Death Throes spell it had prepared. Everybody in the room took huge damage from the spell, and the Sorcerer and Swashbuckler were knocked unconscious as a result of it. But guess who didn't take any damage? The Bard standing in the doorway

It got to the point where the party still wasn't ready to apologise for what they said to the Bard, but decided to deal with the fact that he was being so petty about the situation. The Sorcerer decided that the best way Jamion could be of any use was to Polymorph him into a Treant, so he could run around screaming "Get away from my trees" (disclaimer: there were no trees in this secret underground lair) whilst smashing things. This was going great until Treant Bard got paralysed (or maybe petrified?) later in the session and was laying comatose in the middle of a fairly tight corridor. The Sorceror came up with a genious solution! Get a significant distance away and polymorph the Bard into something EVEN BIGGER (I can't remember exactly what it was, but out of character we just called it Snorlax)! And that's how the party managed to defeat a corridor of Atlan soldiers by suffocating them under a party member...

I decided after recovering that perhaps the warrior's life wasn't for the Bard, and went back to hiding from monsters and limericking for my allies...no apology needed.

[Puke]

Hey !

I have some stories about how my players completely screwed my plans for a game :

1)

The players were fighting vampires. But the warriors has been given a unique artifact : the Burning Axe of Sankis (not very original, yeah).
This artifact has been given to him by a smuggler to reward him. To say the truth, the smuggler has given every PC a poisoned gift.
So, the thing is : the axe belongs to Sankis, a very powerful Balor with his own personal army.

While fighting the vampires, Sankis planeshifted in the middle of the fight and asked for his axe.

Surrounded, the players were trying to figure out an plan to run away, while the warlock, completely sick of what was happening, said this to Sankis :
"Why don't you go FU** yourself in the city of shade ?" and used a spell to dominate the monster and force him to do so. He had only a very little chance of success when he rolled his dice... but he made a natural 20.
So, the Balor, along with his crew, teleported to the city of Shade... ...and met the good guy Telamon Tanthul.

2)

When fighting a horde of demons, suddenly one big brute happeared. The PC, very impressed by the size of the thing, ripping off their personal army with easy, had only 6 seconds to play their turns (yes, during epic fights, I force them to play very quickly to keep them in their roles).
Turns out the first thing that came in their wizard was "I turn him into a bathub" using all his power to boost the save DC the creature had to make.
To say the truth, the creature could avoid being polymorphed with his ability to resist a spell once a day, but I found this so funny that I let it go. And then, the wizard took his clothes off and took a bath.

[the_david]

I invited 3 coworkers who were interested in D&D to play a game of Pathfinder. (Yes, I know that doesn't make much sense.) It was clear this was gonna be a hack'n'slash session, but they did something remarkable during their one roleplay encounter. They lied about finding the scrolls belonging to the prisoner they just rescued and kept them for themselves. They were lucky enough to make their bluff check by 2...

[GuesssWho]

A guy in one of our sessions used a wish spell . . . to have a pet dragon. Now he's stuck in a dragon's lair and has no way out.

[Inevitability]

A guy in one of our sessions used a wish spell . . . to have a pet dragon. Now he's stuck in a dragon's lair and has no way out.

Is the dragon his pet, though?

[-D-]

I had an elf named Lucian, he was an ok guy, bit clumsy for a Wizard (I'm newb). Then he touched (I ran out of useful spell - duh) some ooze-goblin and slowly started turning into ooze himself.

Of course a friendly rogue/wizard/tentacle monster gave me a Healing Facehugger that stabilized me. So we opted for an experimental procedure involving some vats and unidentified machinery in some demon/mutant lair. Now I'm half-elf/half-dragon/half-hezrou and I feel great. Arrows can't touch me

[GuesssWho]

Is the dragon his pet, though?

It's his pet, he's its pet . . . something like that.

I don't think the other dragons are very happy with him either way, though.

[SorenKnight]

So the party is invading a kobold den and fights a large group of kobolds throwing alchemist's fire from slings. The rogue, in his wisdom, splits from the party afterward and wanders into a side room with racks of barrels lining the walls. The entire room, and I quote myself here, "Smells strongly of alchemist's fire."

Rogue: "I pry open one of the barrels."

Spoiler

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Alchemist's fire ignites on contact with air.

[Tiktik Ironclaw]

So in a morning game we hold before class, we once let our friend DM for his first time, and it was a noble if confused effort (we convinced the vampire looks that they were plants). But one thing stood out. My good friend who had DMed the last game was playing an awakened bear with fantastic social skills named Sir Bearington. I was playing a neurotic Eilistraee convert that fought in the buff, and she was a partner of my PC from the last game, a dragonwrought kobold sorcerer. We also had an obnoxious warforged from the last game, a troll who was the cousin of the troll from the last game, and a bard armed with glibness.

So we wandered into a bar after the first dungeon, and started drinking. Sir Bearington at that point began reinacting The Gamers, and stole everybody's pants. My drow, Talqos, decides to search for the man with the most charisma, and takes him back to the inn for a few hours.

Meanwhile, Sir Bearington and the rest of the party busied themselves with stealing the rest of the town's pants, and everything necessary to make pants. Then, they set it all on fire. In the middle of a forest.

Talqos awoke just in time to race down to the woods and prevent a massive forest fire with some water from her clerical spells, but we succeeded in getting the town renamed Bikini Bottomless. And this is why I have trouble remembering that we were fighting vampires.

[Chalkarts]

The Group comes over the top of a low hill to find a 2 headed Giant having argument with herself. They retreat to discuss options. One guy says "Let's kill it! Another says "No, lets befirend her, she'd be handy in battle!" Hushed murmuring fills the air for a few moments before one voice rises up.
"Lets just walk past her."
Blanks stares all around and in rapid cascade faces drop. "Holy ****....yeah." "Let's do that." "Will that work?"
"She's arguing with her self and they seem really into that. Maybe she's too preoccupied to notice some guys just calmly walking by."
And with that the group decides they will choose neither the course of war no the cause of peace. They instead, will rely on the all consuming wisdom and power of "Meh".
I told the entire group to roll Skill checks individually, allowing them to use either the Stealth and Persuasion or Survival skill.
6 rolls. 2 Failures, 2 Successes, 2 Natural 20s. I couldn't say no to two natural 20s.
Six guys just kinda casually walked by a furiously enraged Ettin. Some were whistling calmly while looking at nothing in particular in the most obvious way possible, while others hummed painfully casual tunes under their breath while staring intently at their feet, But all managed to win an awkward game of "Don't stare at the giant or she'll kill us."

[GAAD]

Call of Cthulhu one shot.

So an author with horrible, HORRIBLE luck yet a seemingly endless amount of sanity (Me), a "doctor" who couldn't make a heal check to save his own life (ironically and literally), an ex-soldier with a penchant for overtly planning to backstab the party, a "psychologist" who thought A) she was playing a PSYCHIC complete with infinite crystal balls for throwing at everything (which of course the GM allowed), and a Man with Sledgehammer walk into a haunted house. The Man with Sledgehammer apparently had a profession, and skills that did not revolve around bashing things with a sledgehammer. He never demonstrated as such.

Also, my phone got to cosplay as a radio that wouldn't stop playing jazz throughout the ENTIRE session.

Spoiler

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So anyway, our first obstacle was figuring out what we were up against. Our search led us to the mental institution housing the previous occupants of the house. The psychicologist immediately began grilling the insane former homeowners. She got nothing except for babbling about a master of shadows. She then consults her crystal ball and sees the Eye of Sauron. (It wasn't explicitly, but what else do you call a single flaming eye?)

I make various checks. Diplomacy. Critical Fail. History, Fail. Sense Motive, Fail.

We arrive at the house and are greeted by our first obstacle: the front door, to which we have a key. We enter, and the Man with Sledgehammer expresses supreme disappointment in not being able to kick in the door D&D hack and slash style. After he complains for approximately 5 minutes, we go back, push him outside, and prop the door closed with a chair.

Cue glorious property damage.

Cue PVP. And the medic tries and fails first aid.

So eventually we investigate upstairs. We find a radio, and turn it on. It starts playing smooth jazz. So I IRL cue some up. Everyone tells me to turn it off, so I IC try (and Critically Fail) to do so. The GM rules that that means smooth jazz shall be played until someone fixes the radio so it can turn off.

Meanwhile the bed in the master bedroom suddenly crashes into the soldier for Some Unexplained Spooky Reason. The medic is nearby, and fails his First Aid roll. I come up the stairs, and the soldier remarks how it's funny that since I have failed EVERY single roll I've been required to make, and maybe I'm so incompetent I'd fail a roll to walk up the stairs. I take him up on the challenge. And roll a Critical Fail. Again. So I trip and land flat on his knife. The medic tries and fails First Aid. Again.

Suddenly, a giant pool of blood! Creeping out from the floor. Our solution: Everyone make a Sanity check! I'm the only one who makes it.
Our second solution: Hit it with a sledgehammer!

This creates a swarm of rats that chase us into the basement.

There's a staircase leading to a locked door.

Sledgehammer.

There's a swarm of rats chasing us.

Sledgehammer. No more rats.

Congratulations, you broke the stairs. Everyone make a spot check, if you missed that a dexterity check, to avoid falling in.

Fail. Critical Fail. Max falling damage. Why do I even bother.

Everyone is laughing at my perennially terrible luck. I find a cot, where supposedly lies buried the original owner of the house. Empty.

The party immediately decides we should find the skeleton, so we can put the coffin inside it. Not the skeleton in the coffin, that would be stupid.

But the coffin wouldn't fit inside the skeleton.

Sledgehammer.

We do some more exploring upstairs. The blood is gone, so naturally Man with Sledgehammer starts demolishing the floor/ceiling to find where it went. Then he sticks beds over the holes. Nobody will notice.

Anyway, in the basement, lugging around a shredded coffin, we find an ornate dagger.

Soldier boy picks it up and is immediately possessed by what he immediately starts referring to as his "knaifu".
Of course, nobody can really tell, as he was Chaotic Evil to begin with.

We find the room where the skeleton is - and there's a curse! In the form of a hate plague. Everyone who enters the room becomes possessed and murderous. I hightail it out of there - and once again fail every check I'm called upon to make with the sole exception of every Sanity check. Yes, this means I trip on the stairs a third time.

The Man with Sledgehammer is the only one unaffected by the plague and alive. As soon as the brawl started, the medic was critically injured and once again failed first aid. Couldn't save a life to save his own life.

The Man with Sledgehammer manages to defeat the Knaifu Soldier, and the seer with infinite crystal balls, and then moves into the living room and finds the radio.

One last Sledgehammer.

The GM tells me to turn off the jazz as the session ends.

Yes, through all the hijinks, investigation, and murder, smooth jazz was playing in and out of the campaign world.

[2D8HP]

The Group comes over the top of a low hill to find a 2 headed Giant having argument with herself. They retreat to discuss options. One guy says "Let's kill it! Another says "No, lets befirend her, she'd be handy in battle!" Hushed murmuring fills the air for a few moments before one voice rises up.
"Lets just walk past her."
Blanks stares all around and in rapid cascade faces drop. "Holy ****....yeah." "Let's do that." "Will that work?"
"She's arguing with her self and they seem really into that. Maybe she's too preoccupied to notice some guys just calmly walking by."
And with that the group decides they will choose neither the course of war no the cause of peace. They instead, will rely on the all consuming wisdom and power of "Meh".
I told the entire group to roll Skill checks individually, allowing them to use either the Stealth and Persuasion or Survival skill.
6 rolls. 2 Failures, 2 Successes, 2 Natural 20s. I couldn't say no to two natural 20s.
Six guys just kinda casually walked by a furiously enraged Ettin. Some were whistling calmly while looking at nothing in particular in the most obvious way possible, while others hummed painfully casual tunes under their breath while staring intently at their feet, But all managed to win an awkward game of "Don't stare at the giant or she'll kill us."

I'm reminded of something.....

The Tale of Sir Robin

[Shinn]

The Bet
Cast : the DM (me), a LN Warlock and a LG Cleric.

They were next to a Beholder Mage : somehow, they managed to anger him, so the situation was very close to a fight. Then the Warlock's player said something to the Cleric's player, they both laughed, and then he talked.

WARLOCK - Noble Beholder, wait ! I have a suggestion for you ! This fight would only weaken the winner, so...
BEHOLDER - What ?
WARLOCK - ...So I suggest to bet the victory to a Rock, Paper, Scissors game ! If you won, you can kill us without doing anything !
BEHOLDER - How nice... And if you win ?
CLERIC - Then you have to let us flee unharmed !
BEHOLDER - ... I accept the bet.

The Cleric's player looks at me with a winning face, and say :
CLERIC - We won, I do paper.
DM - How ?!?
CLERIC - A Beholder have only ocular globes instead of hands... He can do only rock then !
DM - Actually... As a mage, he casts a Silent Image of scissors, as he predicted that kind of tactic. New character sheets, everyone !
CLERIC - Sonofa...

Still, I can't believe they were both that kind of brilliant (a plan to get unharmed, brilliant with a LE creature, with a good base idea to win) AND that kind of dumb (getting owned by a cantrip).

[Professor Chimp]

Well, there was that one time where we infiltrated the bedroom of a local lord and were about to get caught. Party members proceeded to 'hide' as follows:

• Halfling Rogue: put a lampshade over his head.

• Dwarven Paladin in bulky fully plate: crammed himself inside a small dresser (which admittedly worked until the dresser burst a little after the guards came in).

• Human Sorceror: decided to disguise himself as the local lord ... by going full monthy ... and nothing else.

• Gnome Bard and Female Elven Ranger: wanted to confuse the guards to gain an edge in combat, so they got on the bed with the former riding the ranger like a horse while slapping her ass with a riding whip, and the latter made 'oink' noises like a piggy.

In short, the guards entered to room to find one dude pretending to be a lamp, one completely naked dude trying to command them to leave, two complete strangers doing some kind of BDSM play on the bed and a piece of furniture exploding into an armored dwarf.

Best part? It worked! They had one look, went 'NOPE!' and gently closed the door again.

[gman1553]

Reading this brought back some memories of times that were funny, at least to me. The first was a game I was playing; the second was a game I was running.

As a player: Call of Cthulhu (5th edition ??)
Cast of Characters:
PI - Me
Archaeologist
Dilettante
Ex military
Flapper

It was our 4th or 5th month into the campaign, we were doing well. I had only one episode of insanity (damn talking pancakes). But we had managed to track down a group of cultists. Still unaware that they were summoning Dagon (or what an Old One really was), we got into their cave and managed to get through to the summoning chamber. There we see the cultists surrounding what appears to be another entity that is chanting something in a language we don't understand.
GM You come out of the tunnel into a large cave. There are steps leading down from the tunnel to floor. In the center is raised Dais. Surrounding the dais are 6 to 7 cultist, all bowed down and chanting in unison. Standing on the dais is another "human" with a large rather old looking book and very wicked looking dagger.
PI I pull out my rifle, in case something happens.
Ex military I start making my way down the stairs, slowly and concealed in the shadows
GM OK, roll
** he gets 1/2 way down before he is seen
GM One of the cultist see you and yells. The others jump up, pull out daggers and start approaching.
Archaeologist (to me) We need to stop the ceremony, shoot the one standing on the dais.

I take aim, and pull the trigger. I rolled and hit, rolled a crit and hit him in the head. There was no spew of blood, only the GM saying that I and the Archaeologist see the guy fall over. Thinking we killed him, i stay put and start picking off the other cultists, while the flapper and Archaeologist climb down to look at the dais. (she had a thing for him in RL and the game). They get almost on the dais, when the dude stands up and stabs the flapper.

Lesson learned: Wizards / mages are immune to gun fire.
Behind the scenes: The wizard was wearing a personal force field. The shot had scrambled his brains a bit, but not killed him. We barely managed to escape, but the lesson we learned that night was Double Tap.


As a GM: Shadowrun (4E)
Cast of Characters:
Street Mage
Shaman (bear totem)
Phys add

I had gone to great lengths to impress upon them (wrongly or rightly) that government forces / security forces could sometimes kick a runners a$$. They had some tangles with corp sec that was close and knew that Aztechnology was looking for them. They decided to leave Seattle and follow up on a seed I'd planted months ago, so they headed south....really south. So they ended up in Antarctica. I had set it up so that they would come upon a secret facility run by Aztechnology, a lab where they were producing a new way to augment people, without the need for implants. In short, this was a Juicer lab. (For those familiar with Rifts) I had stats, upside to using, down side to using and one of the NPC I was running would have become a user. Anyway, they get there, find the entrance. Just as they are about to bypass the gate and razor wire fence surrounding the small opening in the ice sheet, the NPC decker decides to check things out. He tells the group that there are warnings all around the place. Both as signs and verbal, that anyone caught entering the location will be shot on sight. (At this point, they have dealt with Corp Sec, with government sec, and other manner of security. I was thinking they would ignore it, enter the area but be very cautious) I had several weeks worth of runs revolving around them finding this and one of the NPCs I was running getting hooked and them trying to figure out how to save him. In a brief 5 minute conversation, they packed everything up and left.

I did what any resourceful GM would do, I moved the site to the next place they were going. It was a military installation that "looked abandoned" that they thought would make a good base of operations. In the end they had to deal with it any way, but they almost bypassed the whole thing. I told them after the game was over and they laughed for quite a bit about it. When we talk about never knowing what to expect from players...this is my prime example.

[StealthyRobot]

Cast:
Ore, the Aracockra druid
Domacos, the half elf summoner
Shop Keeper

The two party members were in town doing some post adventure things, and went to sell gems to a jewelry maker. Before arriving, Ore shifts into his cat persona, known to the group as Zippo. He hops up on the summoner shoulder as they enter the store. They are greeted, and Domacos let's the man know he requires a collar for his cat, Mr. Whiskers. "Zippo" is unhappy his name is ignored and throws up on his friends neck.
Domacos calmly says "one moment please" to the shop keeper before leaving. Once out of sight he hurls Ore into the side of the wooden building with his gauntlets of ogre power, making an audible thud and dealing enough damage to reverse the wild shape. Ore chuckles and flies off, and Domacos returns to the worried shop keeper and says,
"Mr. Whiskers won't be needing a collar anymore."
We all die laughing as he finishes his business.

[IronLionShark]

Spoiler: Cast

Show

Me:the GM, nobody else is here

This one is a world building story. This was an extremely low magic humans only world.
First, I make a large cold land.
Then, I realize, oops I made it communist, this is pretty much the Soviet Union.
Oops.
Then, I make another cold country, this one will be original.
I make Denmark.
Okay, How about I make a rainy country. This will be original!
I make England in the English civil war and not an island.
That is it the next ones will be totally original!
France
Italy
Greece
Next I say, I'll make things that don't seem European, they'll surely work out.
Egypt & the Ottomans
Finally I said, how about a secret mysterious land.
I end up making the land version of the Bermuda Triangle.
Then, I give up and use these anyway.

[GeneralKobold]

Once I was in a campaign where we found a church with a candle that when lit, would plunge the inside of the church with darkness, and if you somehow got off your feet, you would fall to another universe, we had this big science discussion on how it works for an hour. The reason was the guy that make urinal cakes, somehow was a god or something and made the universe cakes, each universe was identical and the universe cakes had to be placed in a rift in the multiverse at the same time in both universes, once that was complete, the world would be in harmony. My gnome ranger took 8d6 psychic damage and died. That campaign didn't last long.