Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[enderlord99]

• Squid are to remain at least fifty meters from our sacred order's rituals from now on.
• This goes double if we are clerics of PelorSunny (god of sunshine, lolipops and vagueness).
• We cannot be secretly cultists of a dead squid in order to justify this
• If paladins kick the door down and go to town on our asses, we are not to complain that they are being lawful Stupid, because we were violating reality in front of the high preistess.

*I may only use running gags sparingly.

[toapat]

*I may only use running gags sparingly.

**I am to use that running gag at any convenient time.

I forgot i homebrewed him lol

[Techwarrior]

The catchphrase my Swashbuckler spouts out while dashing out of the Princess's chambers wearing nothing but a swordbelt is not to be referred to as a running gag.

My Swashbuckler may not have a catchphrase for such occasions.

Nor may my Swashbuckler have a backup plan for when his first escape attempt fails.

Let alone 4 such plans, particularly if they involve Contingency or Contingent Spell.

Acquiring a Contingent Spell Word of Recall with the trigger of me saying "I swear I didn't know she was the Princess," is no longer permitted.

Acquiring a Contingent Spell Glibness with the trigger condition 'raises arms in surrender' is no longer allowed.

Cranking up my Bluff score high enough that I convince the guards I really didn't know she was the princess is going too far.

For that matter, I am no longer allowed to run anywhere wearing nothing but a swordbelt.

I may not circumvent these rules by instead playing a Bard.
Or a Beguiler, Sorceror, or Paladin.

You know what, I'm no longer allowed to have characters with a positive Charisma score.
Or positive bonuses in any Charisma based skill.
If I ask really nicely, I can get my half-orc barbarian to use Strength for Intimidate. This does not mean I can have a positive Charisma based skill. Intimidate is simply now strength based.

[Doxkid]

*Under no circumstances should I ever utter the phrase "She said she was level 18."

[Deathkeeper]

*If my GM brings back one of his old PCs as a temporary NPC due to dwarves living very long lives, I may not give him constant reasons of why he should be helping more due to permanent spells cast on him by my Sorcerer in said previous campaign.

[The-Mage-King]

*Snip*

*This cannot be my new guide to playing Bards.

[Chilingsworth]

*This cannot be my new guide to playing Bards.

* It should be the standard guide to playing bards, nothing "new" about it.

also (not that this has ever happened)

* If the host's cat jumps on the gaming table, and causes disruption that ends up in my favor... I can not try to pass it off as an environmental effect.*

[Zahhak]

While playing in a superhero campaign:

I may not play a demon from the pit of hell.
Especially in a party with a Catholic Archbishop.
No, it doesn't matter that I had my concept first, he made his character first.
No, I may not dump a third of my points into teleportation.
I may not be able to pick up someone my weight and teleport them 320 meters into the air and drop them.
This may definitely not be my primary attack
If I do this, I may not drop an enemy, on top of one of his friends.
I may definitely not refer to this as a "cuddle puddle"
I may not take points in "cuddle puddling"

*Same character/campaign*
My native language may not be Latin.
Especially if its "a dialect of Latin that requires two tongues"
I may not attempt to seduce any female characters.
I may not attempt to seduce any male characters.
I may definitely not attempt to seduce any characters by using the line "I don't need to breath and have a nine inch tongue."
And definitely not "I don't need to breath and have a nine inch tongue. Two of them infact"

Edit:
There is in place a 'No Molest-O Clause', and it is in place.
This also applies to characters that have an AOE blindness, enhanced strength, and extra limbs.

[Guizonde]

as dm:
*running gags must follow two rules:

-affect only the unluckiest party member
-npc's if they're the same class

(halfling barbarian flying through wooden objects beyond his control, and npc rogues all saying "times are hard 'round these here parts", before you ask)

*if a character's trait is "adopted", not allowed to tell him "by a kraken" and grant him waterbreathing as a new racial trait. especially if it's a gnome
*not allowed to have all the npcs ask the halfling barbarian "shouldn't you be wearing a turban?" (untranslatable pun based on his profession) the barbarian will throw pens at me. and wipe is arse with said turban i rule zero'ed on his head.
*not allowed to rename the halfling barbarian "belkar". even if he's just as bloodthirsty and twin-wields

as player:
*if mr. welsh is my inspiration, that's right out
**this goes for gnomes having racial skill (playing accordeon), and playing polka
***banjos are right out, especially if using bluegrass as a musical cue.
*if i ever decide to play a halfling slinger, i can't use any munition other than stale halfling pastries
**the above means that one of my pc's is going to die soon
***it will be pastry-based
****no, there is no plane of gravy oceans
*****i can't eat the non-existent plane of gravy oceans

[Socratov]

*if a game should hold certain skeletons of ancient superbly strong creatures, I may not do any of the following:

• play polka
• have someone play polka
• reanimate said skeleton
• ride a skeleton zombie while my follower plays polka in a polkasuit while my ride/animated T-rex munches on all and every enemy
• I may not draw any inspiration from Jim butcher's Dead Beat

**arguing that they died out at some point and thus not superbly powerful earns me one of those cratures resurrected as an enemy

[Adoendithas]

My native language may not be Latin.
Especially if its "a dialect of Latin that requires two tongues"

Just call it "Elvish" and it'll be fine.

[Kazyan]

*May not use Horse ebooks tweets as verbal components.

[Milo v3]

Just call it "Elvish" and it'll be fine.

Elves have two tongues?

[Bacon Elemental]

*May not draw wildly inaccurate elven anatomy charts
** May not draw painfully detailed Elven anatomy charts
*** If the Gelatinous Cube should ever require an anatomy chart it will be because it has consumed me.
**** Anatomy privileges are now revoked.

[artofregicide]

*May not draw wildly inaccurate elven anatomy charts
** May not draw painfully detailed Elven anatomy charts
*** If the Gelatinous Cube should ever require an anatomy chart it will be because it has consumed me.
**** Anatomy privileges are now revoked.

***** Must be able to distinguish between a Elf (sans shenanigans) and a Gelatinous Cube in order to play D&D.

[Guizonde]

***** Must be able to distinguish between a Elf (sans shenanigans) and a Gelatinous Cube in order to play D&D.

the above does not count if you've treated the elf correctly (read: stomped him)

[Shpadoinkle]

* I am no longer allowed play a bard who animates skeletons, paints them in bright colors, and forms a mariachi band with them.

[Guizonde]

*not allowed to ever say "rabid dire weasels" "sling ammo"and "good idea" in the same sentence ever again

[artofregicide]

*not allowed to ever say "rabid dire weasels" "sling ammo"and "good idea" in the same sentence ever again

**Doubly so for Rabid Dire Bears or larger Dire mammals
***No dire whales may be used a sling ammo. I don't care what your STR score is!

[Ksheep]

* As an assassin, I don't have to take the spellcasting rules for them literally
** Yes, this means my Glibert and Sullivan inspired assassin is null and void

* As a bard, I don't have to sing for the entire time any of my spells are in effect
** This is especially true for Invisibility, Invisibility Sphere, Alter Self, Glibness, Eagle's Splendor, Fox's Cunning, Cat's Grace, Glitterdust, Scrying, Leomund's Tiny Hut…
*** ESPECIALLY if I act it out.

[Chilingsworth]

* I am no longer allowed play a bard who animates skeletons, paints them in bright colors, and forms a mariachi band with them.

**Well, it might be ok once a year.

[Guizonde]

**Doubly so for Rabid Dire Bears or larger Dire mammals
***No dire whales may be used a sling ammo. I don't care what your STR score is!

****the answer is not a bigger sling.
*****the following are banned: cannons, howitzers, trebuchets, mangonels, catapults, rock throwers, acme giant slingshots, peasant railguns, pun-pun, warp portals, 4th wall material accelerators, kill sats (improvised or otherwise), compressed air and pressure-based apparatuses...

*if the ammo is so big it breaks the fourth wall, banned.

[DigoDragon]

You have already done this? Can we see?

Yeah, but my wife has hidden the camera from me. She still hasn't given me a copy of the Christmas pictures either. I'm gonna have to get another recording. Not a hardship though, my daughter likes being a camera ham.


Oh, and another entry:

• I am not allowed to keep letting the GM know I'll be playing a male dwarf rigger and then show up to the game with a female elf rigger. It kinda throws off his expectations a bit.

[Esprit15]

* An AC roll to hurl myself at the ground is not necessary.
** A natural one on this is still a successful hit.
*** Missing the ground does not result in me flying, just injuring myself.

In One Piece
* I may not sink a ship using nothing but a single shot from a rifle.
** May not have a sniper rifle anymore.
*** Shots from underwater have an AC penalty. A large one.
* Am not to eat a devil fruit as a mermaid. Or merman. Or fishman.

PTA
* May only take one version of Stat Ace per PC.
* May not grab someone, fly to a massive height, scream "[PC name here] USED SKY DROP!" and throw them down to Earth.
* May not lecture a lesser BBEG on why murder is wrong, then make him hang himself.
* May not make the BBEG decide that he'd be happier as a florist.
** This is why Influential is not allowed.
** I may not dispose of the BBEG's body and then have the Mystic seamlessly replace them to steal all of their funds.
*** This is why Body Snatcher is not allowed.

[Kadzar]

* An AC roll to hurl myself at the ground is not necessary.
** A natural one on this is still a successful hit.

*** I do not get a penalty to the roll for being distracted at the last second.

[enderlord99]

* An AC roll to hurl myself at the ground is not necessary.
** A natural one on this is still a successful hit.
*** Missing the ground does not result in me flying, just injuring myself.

In One Piece
* I may not sink a ship using nothing but a single shot from a rifle.
** May not have a sniper rifle anymore.
*** Shots from underwater have an AC penalty. A large one.
* Am not to eat a devil fruit as a mermaid. Or merman. Or fishman.

PTA
* May only take one version of Stat Ace per PC.
* May not grab someone, fly to a massive height, scream "[PC name here] USED SKY DROP!" and throw them down to Earth.
* May not lecture a lesser BBEG on why murder is wrong, then make him hang himself.
* May not make the BBEG decide that he'd be happier as a florist.
** This is why Influential is not allowed.
** I may not dispose of the BBEG's body and then have the Mystic seamlessly replace them to steal all of their funds.
*** This is why Body Snatcher is not allowed.

...You do realize Armor Class is defense, right? And that you don't roll it?

Did you mean "attack roll?"

[artofregicide]

...You do realize Armor Class is defense, right? And that you don't roll it?

Did you mean "attack roll?"

*AC means Armor Class, not Automatic Cannon.
**I may not have an Automatic Cannon.
***The Automatic Cannon that I do not have is not affected in any way by my AC.

[Chilingsworth]

I'm just preemptively guessing these:

* No, I can't fill the king's bathroom reading with explosive runes
* No, I can't counterfiet Tyr paladin recruiting brochures and fill those with explosive runes, either.
* Yes, I may cast explosive runes on wanted posters of myself, but this will not make them less common.

[Guizonde]

I'm just preemptively guessing these:

* No, I can't fill the king's bathroom reading with explosive runes
* No, I can't counterfiet Tyr paladin recruiting brochures and fill those with explosive runes, either.
* Yes, I may cast explosive runes on wanted posters of myself, but this will not make them less common.

preemptive:
*i may not be inspired by chillingsworth's ideas.
**especially explosive runes
***munchkinning based on suggestions in his explosive runes thread is right out
****especially if i'm dm'ing and i've got a minmaxing bard in my group of PCs who'll fall for the megaton-force explosive-book trap
*****the above is pure conjecture

[Balmas]

*Even if I'm a genre savvy bard, may not throw the BBEG at the fourth wall.
**My bard has no knowledge of character sheets, feats, skills.
***My Bard may not correctly guess every number on the BBEG's character sheet before two rounds have passed.
****My Bard is not to then be angry that the wizard already killed the BBEG before the bard could do anything.