Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas

[vasharanpaladin]

*If I play a frenzied berserker, I deserve what I get.
**Same goes for half-ogres.
***No, a possessing ghost can't make the Will save to get out of a frenzy for me...
****Yes, a possessing ghost takes half of whatever damage its host takes...
*****If my half-ogre frenzied berserker opts to punch himself in the face to remove a possessing ghost, I deserve the loss of Charisma.

[Doxkid]

*I am not allowed to start the game at -9 with statuses that make it almost impossible to heal me and improbable that I will be able to take any actions.

**If I start the game at -9 hp, I should not be the last person to die in what should have been a role-playing/intrigue session.

[Chilingsworth]

*I am not allowed to start the game at -9 with statuses that make it almost impossible to heal me and improbable that I will be able to take any actions.

**If I start the game at -9 hp, I should not be the last person to die in what should have been a role-playing/intrigue session.

What.

Umm... details?

[Doxkid]

I made use of a thread that popped up some time ago that could alternately make a character this is impossible to heal, or a character that is healed by positive AND negative energy.

From there I only had to use the Healing Touch spell (Book of Exalted Deeds) to reduce myself to -9 and a pile of feats (Arcane Toughness, Die Hard, Toughness and possibly another one) and a bit of DR to never die once I got there.
---
This actually occurred. Everyone I play with eventually says something along the lines of "You optimize too much" or "You minmax in bad ways."

...then one time I took it at as challenge...

[Balmas]

*No one wants to hear the song I used to sing to my parents
**Or the song they sang to me.
***No, I do NOT still know the words to the song
****Mangled loved ones do not provide a circumstance bonus to my perform DCs

*Perform (Filibuster) and anything similar is retroactively banned from any and all skills in any game we play.
**Should I attempt a filibuster, I will remember that the BBEG got to be the BBEG by being Big and Bad; he most likely has a firing squad on hand.

*Control Weather does not allow me to make it rain Skittles.

**However, a good Wish spell will always yield chocolate rain as a side effect.

[artofregicide]

*Perform (Filibuster) and anything similar is retroactively banned from any and all skills in any game we play.
**Should I attempt a filibuster, I will remember that the BBEG got to be the BBEG by being Big and Bad; he most likely has a firing squad on hand.

***I may not Filibuster the DM, or another player's term in order to prolong my character's existence. I may not move for a roll-call vote. I may not invoke quorum laws.
****Not even if I'm the Bard.
*****Especially if I'm the Bard.

[Ksheep]

* I may not create the spell "Dirt to Soap"
** Nor may I make a spell to elongate the legs of animals
*** The same goes for giving them +20 to Strength

* I may not convince the local beaver population to build a dam large enough to flood the nearby village
** I may not then freeze the water just so I can go ice skating

* Casting Animate Objects on the dishes is typically frowned upon at dinner parties
** Especially if I make the gravy boat and soup dish pour their contents on the dinner guests.

[Jbr208]

***I may not Filibuster the DM, or another player's term in order to prolong my character's existence. I may not move for a roll-call vote. I may not invoke quorum laws.
****Not even if I'm the Bard.
*****Especially if I'm the Bard.

******Robert's Rules of Order is no longer allowed at the table.
*******May not create procedural logjam to keep the previous rule from being acknowledged.

[Balmas]

* Casting Animate Objects on the dishes is typically frowned upon at dinner parties
** Especially if I make the gravy boat and soup dish pour their contents on the dinner guests.

***However, prolonged Broadway musical numbers are appropriate.

[Ksheep]

* I may not Wish a God dead
** I may not Miracle a God dead either
*** Especially if I worship the God that I am trying to Miracle dead
**** Unless, of course, said God is Chaotic, and might find it mildly ironic

[enderlord99]

* I may not Wish a God dead
** I may not Miracle a God dead either
*** Especially if I worship the God that I am trying to Miracle dead
**** Unless, of course, said God is Chaotic, and might find it mildly ironic

*****Even then, do not expect your god's suicide to be permanent.

[Swaoeaeieu]

* i may not quote Ezekiel 25:17 before killing our prisoner.
** no "say what one more time" yokes either.
***even if the scenario was unintentionally made to resemble the scene by the DM.

*this is not a check list!

[Guizonde]

*not allowed to insult the ranger npc. even if he deserved it

*there is no knowledge(fourth wall). stop asking.
**the rogue can't lean on the fourth wall, never mind climb it and use it to her advantage

*"roll for anal circumference", even if it is an appropriate overview of the situation, does not replace the phrase "roll initiative"

*no setting the forest on fire.
**the ranger will shoot arrows at us. the elves will fall on us like a friggin' meteor.
***no setting the forest on fire.

*i've gotta stop insulting every single boss my dm throws at me. especially when they are well-thought out and delivered in-character.
**this goes double if the insult leans on the fourth wall.
***no hurting the boss' feelings if i can't hurt it physically.

*not allowed to ask if i have a nosebleed. i have to cast detect evil first.
**no dodging spellcasting by bodily functions.

*not allowed to be resigned to a rapeathon.
**the term "rapeathon" is both inappropriate and too weak for what befalls us. a rapeathon has an end.

*my character's name is "Corbec Girderson". it's not "PELOR!!!" even if he's that goddamn pious and devout. (i invoke pelor's name too often in character, apparently)

*halfling war kazoos are preemptively banned.
**battle-vuvuzelas are preemptively banned as well.
***tyrolean pipes, tibetan pipes, and didjeridoos are banned for halfling warriors exclusively. bets are off for half-orks.

*madness can't break the fourth wall. stop asking.

(yeah, it was a run-of-the-mill session last night)

[Doorhandle]

*In Don;t Rest Your Head, not allowed to have the madness power "I will hit you SOOOOO HAAAARD that..."
* Not allowed to pick up my insanity and hit people with it. (At least, not literally.)
*The game is not a race to see what gets you first, the nightmares or yourself.
*Particularly if you add "lung cancer" to the above race.

[nedz]

* Casting Animate Objects on the dishes is typically frowned upon at dinner parties
** Especially if I make the gravy boat and soup dish pour their contents on the dinner guests.

*** Nor make the dish run away with the spoon

Also

* When diving I am not allowed to use Prestidigitation to flavour the rope liquorice in order to communicate that I wish to be hauled up.

[Arbane]

* Casting Animate Objects on the dishes is typically frowned upon at dinner parties
** Especially if I make the gravy boat and soup dish pour their contents on the dinner guests.

* Using Animate Dead on the meal itself is absolutely forbidden, and will probably get you challenged to a duel by the other diners.

[Ksheep]

* Using Animate Dead on the meal itself is absolutely forbidden, and will probably get you challenged to a duel by the other diners.

I think we just figured out why Elves are typically vegan…

[vasharanpaladin]

* Using Animate Dead on the meal itself is absolutely forbidden, and will probably get you challenged to a duel by the other diners.

**Unless you happen to be attending dinner at the local mages' academy, in which case this would be the pre-dinner entertainment.

[Gnomish Wanderer]

* When diving I am not allowed to use Prestidigitation to flavour the rope liquorice in order to communicate that I wish to be hauled up.

I think this idea is super clever, given a certain set of circumstances. Like diving in the pitchblack of night where you can't use lights to avoid alerting the spectral spirits that alert the water and you have to move slow enough to avoid waking them as well. Flavor could become a good silent indication.

Of course, that's probably so specific as only being viable like at a one in a million chance. So it's BOUND TO HAPPEN

[TuggyNE]

I think this idea is super clever, given a certain set of circumstances. Like diving in the pitchblack of night where you can't use lights to avoid alerting the spectral spirits that alert the water and you have to move slow enough to avoid waking them as well. Flavor could become a good silent indication.

I think the problem is, what dive spotter wants to have to lick the rope?

[Ksheep]

I think the problem is, what dive spotter wants to have to lick the rope?

"Tastes like tar… Still tastes like tar… Still tastes like tar… Tastes like… Caramel? What was that code for?"

[DigoDragon]

Spoiler

Show

* I may not create the spell "Dirt to Soap"
** Nor may I make a spell to elongate the legs of animals
*** The same goes for giving them +20 to Strength

* I may not convince the local beaver population to build a dam large enough to flood the nearby village
** I may not then freeze the water just so I can go ice skating

* Casting Animate Objects on the dishes is typically frowned upon at dinner parties
** Especially if I make the gravy boat and soup dish pour their contents on the dinner guests.

Teehee, Reference Get.

• If I disguise a grenade as a can of Bud Light and then sell it to the PCs, I'm not allowed to complain when the town mayor inexplicably detonates on his front porch the next evening.
• If given the option to create my own spellcasting traditions, I'm not allowed to also create my own type of spirits. There are no "Spirits of Couches".
• Despite it being "Truth in Television", I'm no longer allowed to use my microwave as a storage box for RFIDs, homing becons, cell phones, and other devices that I don't want giving out a signal.
• When questioned by a Johnson for acting outside the job guidelines, I'm no longer allowed to respond by throwing a towel at them and shouting "KILL!"

[Wookieetank]

*snicker snack snip*

*halfling war kazoos are preemptively banned.
**battle-vuvuzelas are preemptively banned as well.
***tyrolean pipes, tibetan pipes, and didjeridoos are banned for halfling warriors exclusively. bets are off for half-orks.

*Am not allowed to bring any of the above to the gaming table for proper demonstrations.

[nedz]

"Tastes like tar… Still tastes like tar… Still tastes like tar… Tastes like… Caramel? What was that code for?"

Well, provided that your dive isn't going to last more than an hour you could pre-flavour the old rope to taste of Chocolate, Strawberries or {Scrubbed} depending upon your preferences.

[Chilingsworth]

Fresh from lastnight's gaming session!

* A 6th level wizard/beguiler shouldn't challenge an 8th level barbarian to a one-on-one duel.

** if he does, his freshly made explosive runes remote mines will be inadequate if he forgets to cast invisibility on himself.

*** if he ever tries this again, he really should prepare more appropriate spells, rather than using his standard spell loadout.

**** He really needs to thank the cleric for that life saving close wounds spell.

[Zahhak]

Real world, since otherwise it'll get brought up sooner or later:

* I am no longer allowed to use the phrase "full on cabbage-soup enema crazy"

[Ksheep]

* I may not play as a merchant who somehow always ends up in the middle of fights and other action scenes
** Especially if I sell my wares out of a cart
*** Said wares may not be leafy vegetables
**** If, for some reason I ignore the above, I may not yell out "MY CABBAGES!!" whenever someone inevitably crashes through my vegetable cart
***** I may not be a primary source for a play about the heroes, due to the above

[racnor]

*the acquisition of a Dire whale familiar will require a great deal of feat expenditure.
**Dwarf fortress is rarely an acceptable source for settings, particularly if the result may be described with the words "necromancer swarm", "adamantine collossus", or "kinda like sparta, except with wereocelots"

[Doorhandle]

*the acquisition of a Dire whale familiar will require a great deal of feat expenditure.
**Dwarf fortress is rarely an acceptable source for settings, particularly if the result may be described with the words "necromancer swarm", "adamantine collossus", or "kinda like sparta, except with wereocelots"

*Dwarves do not have a radical proficiency for dwarven lava cannons, orbital or not.
* Dwarves have neither immunity or obliviousness to fire.
* Sponges are not known for their nigh-indestructibility.
* Defensive training works against giants, not elephants.
** No, that does not include giant elephants.
* NO ZOMBIE WHALES.
* A single untoward comment by a P.C is not enough to cause the city to enter a death-spiral of tantrums.

[Kane0]

*I can no longer sell a mundane item as if it were magical
**Not even with 3 good, consecutive Diplomacy and Bluff rolls and use of temporary magic to cover my ruse
***Even if successful, I will not be surprised nor upset if the merchant hires someone to make an example of my character.

*I can no longer use the spell Command to get someone to "Walk this way"
**Especially if I then attempt to strut down the street with said Commandee following

*If given the choice of giving sensitive information to either of two conflicting factions, I cannot choose "Option 3, Both"
**Not even if I could get a reward from both
***Especially not Simultaneously
****Especially not if I plan on using the ensuing conflict for more profit

*Not all party conflict can be solved with alcohol
**Especially if I buy suspiciously cheap 'Elven Wine' for the Dwarf and suspiciously cheap 'Dwarven Ale' for the Elf.