Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[AtlanteanTroll]

The scary part is now I'm catching up with the age people continually thought I was (25 now).

Better than not catching up though, eh?

An intriguing pick up line for her might be something like: If you are so keen on "getting me a girl", would you be interested in BEING that girl?

T'would be indeed.

Although, perhaps this mission is inspired by the events that transpired? Perhaps she feels bad about it and wants you to have more than she has to offer at this time?

See, I really don't know what to think about this girl. She's said this in conversation before.

1. She's not entirely over her ex.
2. She has said she finds me attractive.
3. She considers as being the "nicest" guy in her group of friends.
4. She has said I am not in the friend zone.
5. She considers me a good friend.

Between those pieces of information and sexy times, albeit no kissing, two week ago (and probably some other things I'm forgetting right no.) I am confused. As of now we're going to be hanging out with each other from 3 till whenever New Years stuff is done with tomorrow morning, although another friend will be joining us at 9.

Blaargh.

[dehro]

Better than not catching up though, eh?

She's not entirely over her ex.

Danger, Danger

[Morph Bark]

^ Agreed. While all the other points are all quite positive, not being over one's ex is generally something that brings all good points down. There are cases that are exceptions of course, but they are exceptions.

If you ever do manage to kiss her without her making a big deal out of it (in the negative or awkward sense at least, in the positive sense it's all good), then go for it full swing. Otherwise, it might be wiser to tread carefully, especially if you're normally sensitive to emotional hurt. If not, you can attempt to go for it, at least try for it, as she seems like she might be open to it, but just isn't right now.

[Coidzor]

My last girlfriend was about 5 years older than me and I've never thought twice about dating a girl that was older than me (I still wouldn't go more than 10 years). My question comes to rather when I flirt with an older girl and she makes a big deal about the age difference, how do I deflect the issue?

Be subtle in figuring out what's what but if it comes up repeatedly or firmly then just slide on by, neuroses are bad enough with women who aren't obsessed with their biological clocks and age.

I've been mistaken for 50 going by personality alone...

In a completely unrelated area, would it be *bad* to ask out the girl who was all sexy times two weeks ago and said she was going "get me a girl" next month?

I realize that is a really vague question.

If nothing else it might provoke her into some measure of honesty about her intentions, though I'd recommend against leaving it lie for too much longer if you're going to make a move.

Were you thinking of opening with date or relationship or coffee so that you can get her alone but in a place that's not too intimate and better hash things out than can get over the phone and with more comfort than being home alone or ditching friends temporarily?

[Form]

So apparently I wasn't dating the girl I thought I was dating at all! What the hell? Apparently she's never even thought about it. Bah. I asked her out on a 'proper' date now and she says she'll get back to me, but I don't see any reason to keep my hopes up. Not if she's never given it any thought and I have to wait for an answer. I'll probably have to consider myself lucky if I get so much as a simple text message.

[Morph Bark]

Whelp, after trying to call her earlier today and failing to reach her (she had another call, I tried again later, she didn't pick up), I just got a long-winded message from her telling me she thinks that we're too different, despite sharing a lot of hobbies and being able to talk very well, and that she's got too much on her mind right now (with her studies).

She's telling me not to call her because of those reasons (she also said she was very non-confrontational, so she probably had been putting this off) and she'll talk to me some over Whatsapp later maybe.

I sent her a reply telling her I don't like that at all, disagree with her thinking we're too different (and even if that's the case, that that can be a very good thing), that I had wanted to talk about this sometime and that I enjoyed the times we spent together. Wished her luck with her studies and finished with a "see you possibly in the future".

Feels kinda rough, since things were actually kinda looking up.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Bah. Sigh. It seems she's made up her mind here. My sincerest sympathies.

[Form]

Yep, my negative feelings were right. We're 'just friends' apparently. That's not going to work for me, so I want to cut this girl out of my life entirely. I wasted months on this only to find out I was deluding myself.

I don't know what to do now. Or where to look. I just feel really, really ranty.

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Yep, my negative feelings were right. We're 'just friends' apparently. That's not going to work for me, so I want to cut this girl out of my life entirely. I wasted months on this only to find out I was deluding myself.

I don't know what to do now. Or where to look. I just feel really, really ranty.

I actually had something similar happen to me almost exactly a year ago. If you want to rant, I'm all ears.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Danger, Danger

[QUOTE=Morph Bark;14454686]Agreed. While all the other points are all quite positive, not being over one's ex is generally something that brings all good points down. There are cases that are exceptions of course, but they are exceptions.[quote]
Yeah... But when she said she wasn't it entirely over it, well, that was in October. (Sentence structure just failed me, I know.)

If you ever do manage to kiss her without her making a big deal out of it (in the negative or awkward sense at least, in the positive sense it's all good), then go for it full swing. Otherwise, it might be wiser to tread carefully, especially if you're normally sensitive to emotional hurt. If not, you can attempt to go for it, at least try for it, as she seems like she might be open to it, but just isn't right now.

Yeah, still no kiss. Well, on the lips anyway. She kissed my last night, but that's because it was New Years. So that doesn't count.

If nothing else it might provoke her into some measure of honesty about her intentions, though I'd recommend against leaving it lie for too much longer if you're going to make a move.

Yeah, well, the thing about waiting is ... Well, look down a bit. As is, I'm just more confused now.

Spoiler

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We went to go grab lunch yesterday before going back to her house after her parents left for the evening. We ended up watching this anime she'd been wanting to show me, and then sexy times happened again. This time I told her sexy times confuses me, and she said she knows, but it's worth it. Then two friends came over, New Years stuff happened, and I spent the night on her couch.

Were you thinking of opening with date or relationship or coffee so that you can get her alone but in a place that's not too intimate and better hash things out than can get over the phone and with more comfort than being home alone or ditching friends temporarily?

I don't know, I ended up not doing it for two reasons. 1: I forgot she's going to Mexico for a week later today, and 2: No time felt right.

Also, she hates coffee. Which is unfortunate, because the general first date thing to do around here is to get coffee at this local joint a few blocks from school.

[noparlpf]

Also, she hates coffee. Which is unfortunate, because the general first date thing to do around here is to get coffee at this local joint a few blocks from school.

Ooh! This one I can solve. Get tea instead.

[Serpentine]

Or hot chocolate. Or chai latte. Or a milkshake. Or ice cream!

[noparlpf]

Or hot chocolate. Or chai latte. Or a milkshake. Or ice cream!

I figured a coffee place probably also has some teas. But yeah, go somewhere else for milkshakes instead.

[Serpentine]

Well, I don't drink coffee or tea, so if I'm asked "to coffee", I need more options than that.

[Coidzor]

Yeah, still no kiss. Well, on the lips anyway. She kissed my last night, but that's because it was New Years. So that doesn't count.

Depends on the nature of the kiss, really. Though if it was a peck on the cheek then it doesn't even count for New Years unless you're related according to my cultural lexicon.

Yeah, well, the thing about waiting is ... Well, look down a bit. As is, I'm just more confused now.

Spoiler

Show

We went to go grab lunch yesterday before going back to her house after her parents left for the evening. We ended up watching this anime she'd been wanting to show me, and then sexy times happened again. This time I told her sexy times confuses me, and she said she knows, but it's worth it. Then two friends came over, New Years stuff happened, and I spent the night on her couch.

I don't know, I ended up not doing it for two reasons. 1: I forgot she's going to Mexico for a week later today, and 2: No time felt right.

Spoiler

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I think if she's actively drawing you into sexual encounters then her going to Mexico for a week is kind of secondary to resolving things between the two of you or at least not leave you hanging in an awkward lurch by them.

And, really, no time's going to feel right and demand you do it unless you live in a universe where causality bows to dramatic necessity. You've got to make the time.

Also, she hates coffee. Which is unfortunate, because the general first date thing to do around here is to get coffee at this local joint a few blocks from school.

What's it got besides coffee?

Well, I don't drink coffee or tea, so if I'm asked "to coffee", I need more options than that.

I have to admit that thinking back on it, I cannot recall that I've ever been to a coffee place that didn't also have hot cocoa/chocolate, chai lattes, and other offerings such as smoothies or lemonade or cider or an assortment of fresh juices.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Depends on the nature of the kiss, really. Though if it was a peck on the cheek then it doesn't even count for New Years unless you're related according to my cultural lexicon.

Well I was tired and she was being my pillow at the time, so it was the top of my head. As I said, don't that counts.

Spoiler

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I think if she's actively drawing you into sexual encounters then her going to Mexico for a week is kind of secondary to resolving things between the two of you or at least not leave you hanging in an awkward lurch by them.

Perhaps. As it is, she left 2 hours ago. Apparently she will be able to text while she's in Mexico, but I don't think texting's the right medium to take care of this.

And, really, no time's going to feel right and demand you do it unless you live in a universe where causality bows to dramatic necessity. You've got to make the time.

Yeah, well ... I guess I do know that. In hindsight there probably was a time that wouldn't have been too bad.

What's it got besides coffee?

It's actually got tea and smoothies and other things, but it apparently reeks of coffee, so she hates going in there. It was where my friend group was hanging out after football games, and that's the only reason she ever went in there. I can think of other places.p

[Serpentine]

I have to admit that thinking back on it, I cannot recall that I've ever been to a coffee place that didn't also have hot cocoa/chocolate, chai lattes, and other offerings such as smoothies or lemonade or cider or an assortment of fresh juices.

Yeah, that was pretty much my point: it's going to be pretty extremely rare that "going out dor coffee" will necessitate the consumption of actual coffee.

[Form]

You know, I think I'll try online dating. Does anyone have any suggestions for good online dating sites to use? Preferably a free one suitable for people in my age range (roughly 20-30) and one used by women in the same country as I if there is one.

Also, when it comes to online dating, should I worry much about trolls/idiots/crazies?

[Serpentine]

I enjoy OKCupid, and my sister even just acquired a boyfriend through it.
For crazies... I dunno. I prefer to converse with people for a while before I meet them IRL, but that's more because I'm awkward and the idea of going on a date or date-like activity with someone I don't know at all freaks me right the hell out.

[Form]

EDIT: Oh hey, I guess I can be helpful. Form, I think the most popular dating site (and therefore the one where you have the best chances) is OKCupid. I've taken a look or two at it myself, and I'm fairly certain they get rid of troll accounts that they catch. Now, as to crazies and idiots...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm one of the crazies/idiots myself >.<. I'm mostly concerned about trolls, maybe more so than I need to be. I don't want to end up being toyed with again just because some punk on the internet thinks it's hilarious.

Also, for some I reason I've got this preference to type up my profile information in English instead of Dutch when I think about making an online dating account. Funny, that. It'd be kind of weird to do that, though...

I enjoy OKCupid, and my sister even just acquired a boyfriend through it.
For crazies... I dunno. I prefer to converse with people for a while before I meet them IRL, but that's more because I'm awkward and the idea of going on a date or date-like activity with someone I don't know at all freaks me right the hell out.

Makes sense. I figure the way to go about it is to first just talk with someone through messages for a little while and to meet up in a public place the first time.

[Glass Mouse]

EDIT: Oh hey, I guess I can be helpful. Form, I think the most popular dating site (and therefore the one where you have the best chances) is OKCupid. I've taken a look or two at it myself, and I'm fairly certain they get rid of troll accounts that they catch. Now, as to crazies and idiots...

OKCupid also has a blog about trends observed on their site. Very interesting.

(oh hey, I guess I can actually use that knowledge for myself now...)

[Serpentine]

With the languages, you could always do both.

[Morph Bark]

Also, for some I reason I've got this preference to type up my profile information in English instead of Dutch when I think about making an online dating account. Funny, that. It'd be kind of weird to do that, though...

Ditto that. Then again, if you do it in English, there's always the possibility of finding people you can talk to but won't end up intimate with (due to distance), or finding foreigners who're studying in the Netherlands.

I once found an old classmate of mine on OKCupid. It was too awkward for me to actually poke her and talk to her though, but it was interesting, as I'd never thought of her as the type for dating sites.

[Sholos]

I can vouch for the possibility of meeting someone on OKCupid. Now, whether anything develops from meeting that person... That I can't vouch for. Haven't had any luck with that and at this point I'm not even talking to anyone on the site. Part of it I think is that my profile is horribly written and I'm incredibly boring sounding (at least, that's my assumption), so make sure that's not the case.

[Arutema]

I really can't say much for OKCupid. in about 3 years on it, I've had maybe 8 dates, none of which went anywhere. I can't say if that speaks more to my own unattractiveness, my internal issues holding me back, or OKCupid itself.

What I can say is that other free services have either been barren (most of the niche ones) or a user interface disaster (PoF, I'm looking at you.)

[Coidzor]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm one of the crazies/idiots myself >.<. I'm mostly concerned about trolls, maybe more so than I need to be. I don't want to end up being toyed with again just because some punk on the internet thinks it's hilarious.

Yeah, getting trolled for anything more than one message is... improbable at best. Getting singled out as a victim for trolling is similarly improbable, so, vanishingly small unless you've got enough of a train wreck of a profile that you'd end up on a tumblr for horrible OKCupid profiles. Considering how you actually actively want to avoid ending up on one of those, you pretty much won't, so, you should be golden.

Well, English is the Lingua Franca of the internets... Native-speaker privilege prevents me from really having anything meaningful to really contribute.

[Glass Mouse]

A friend of mine wrote a minor novel in high-lix English for his profile. He said it served as a fine screening proces - girls willing to read and understand it wouldn't zone out in a conversation with him. I'm sure even simple English will turn some women away (English is more effort for a lot of non-Native speakers), but if you're like my friend, that may work in your favor

[Coidzor]

A friend of mine wrote a minor novel in high-lix English for his profile. He said it served as a fine screening proces - girls willing to read and understand it wouldn't zone out in a conversation with him. I'm sure even simple English will turn some women away (English is more effort for a lot of non-Native speakers), but if you're like my friend, that may work in your favor

High-Lix, you say?

...That can only end poorly.

[Lilac_Shade]

I have a rather complex and potentially not board-appropriate relationship issue. Does somebody have an open PM box?

[Wyntonian]

I have a rather complex and potentially not board-appropriate relationship issue. Does somebody have an open PM box?

Always