Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

[ShadowFireLance]

Alrighty then, thanks, now I just need to find myself a potion of Courage...
actually just realized I am seeing her Tomorrow...
*Begins to Physc self*

[ShadowFireLance]

Speaking from a Male point of view, I am scared, For reasons beyond my mind, I have actually had a fight with a rabid dog (No joke), and that did not scare me as much as talking to her...So, How does one summon up teh Courage?

[Wyntonian]

Well, something like 85% of my friends are girls, but I still find it terrifying to speak to someone I don't know at all without some justification. I can't just go up and say "You! Hot one! Let us date!" or whatever it is you're supposed to , but then, I've only really ever found myself attracted to people I already know as friends.



So... alcohol?

[SiuiS]

Move fast enough that your mind can't process and stop you? Like when people say "I'm going to jump in the count of three..." and start counting. I find it's easier to actually jump before 3 because you don't have time to reconsider.

So if you can start talking to her, before your brain freaks out, you should be able to get enough data to realize she is as easy to talk to as anyone else, which will calm down the fear response before it really takes hold. But that's all I've got. "Who Dares Wins".

[ShadowFireLance]

Problem is, I have about 16 Hours to stew on this...

Thing is, I can talk to her, But..Well, i suppose it is the hoping for not the 'heartbreak' that is so common, (Which, If you ask me, Is a lot scarier then Physical pain.) I suppose it is a 'fear of rejection'...UGH...

[Cosmic Traveler]

"Here be dragons"
- every hermit to explorers in all realities at some point in time.

Ok, now for serious business. Talking to a girl is touchy IMO. At work, as a lowly wrapper in a grocery store, I get to talk with girls on a regular basis because cashiers are all girls and woman (age difference to be noted). From what little experience I got so far, don't try to force a conversation because it will lead to the dreaded awkward silence. You want to avoid it like a giant spider.
Best situation is to let the girl strike the conversation, that is gold.

If you are in a school environment, then try to talk about recent happening in the day. Lots of girls seem to like gossip, but not all. One thing I ask myself, but that's because it's me (because I'm a generally insecure person) is if I'm boring her to tears and to be honest about her answer. In case I am, I'll ask her to talk about her day and herself (but that's because I'm a good listener).


One thing I can guarantee you is this: if she asks you if you are into video games, it's not a shame to say you are, most won't mind if you don't start talking about it like no tomorrow. Don't talk video games unless she seems genuine about it.

Another thing I got to talk about was LARPing.
They might get confused about it but you can tell her that its basically like a big theater play, outside, everyone's an actor, everyone has its time to shine.
That's how I passed it as and you can agree with me that my own definition is correct if we look at the French-style LARPing (dialogue and roleplay oriented)

[Aedilred]

but no..there's nothing wrong "per sé"with marrying as soon as you feel like it, whatever age you're at.

etc.

I'm pretty old-fashioned about this sort of thing, but I take the view that if marriage is to have any real significance it shouldn't be a decision taken lightly, and in turn shouldn't be that easy to just run away from when it gets a bit difficult. That's basically the point, to my mind. You're making a commitment to stay with that person for life, rather than "until I don't feel like it any more".

Now, obviously, there are circumstances where people can, and must, be allowed to leave a marriage, but these should be relatively exceptional. I'm thinking specifically abuse, adultery on the part of the other party, excessive irresponsibility with the family future, and a few others that should hopefully come up much more rarely. To my mind, if these circumstances don't apply, then the party being asked for a divorce is morally entitled to put the brakes on, and request, if not demand, that at least a concerted and directed effort is made to fix the problem. If the worst comes to the worst, accepting a separation but refusing a divorce and requiring litigation is an option, but that's not really worth pursuing most of the time.

This is the problem with getting married young, I think - you're not necessarily emotionally and rationally equipped to make the commitment to the above sensibly and/or in full knowledge of what you're committing to. That people from older generations got married younger and stayed married is more, I think, because of the social unacceptability of divorce. In the last fifty years or so, there's been a kind of negative feedback effect which has increased the availability of divorce, which has made marriage less of a commitment, which means people take it less seriously, which pushes up the divorce rate.

Ultimately, though, like any relationship, there aren't any rules about it: if it works for you then it's the right thing to do. However, when it comes to marrying young, I tend to feel that the younger it happens, the less good an idea it tends to be. Some people make it work; some people don't, but I think you tend to be taking a bigger risk the younger you are.

@bindin garoth directly
Now, obviously I don't know the full history of your relationship, but I would say that if you don't want a divorce then saying "no" at this stage should be an option, and insisting that you both put some more work in to save the marriage. It doesn't mean a divorce isn't inevitable and, if your wife is sure about it, you can't and probably shouldn't stop it from happening, but I don't see any reason why you should just have to lie down and accept it out of, effectively, politeness. On the other hand, if you just want out, that's alright too. It's your decision either way. In any case, you have my utmost sympathies over the situation, it must be a horrible time for you, especially coming on top of a recent relocation.

[noparlpf]

You know what's stupid? Besides still being awake at this hour despite having to get up at eight and then probably being up late tomorrow night despite my final Tuesday evening? Finding old pictures while backing up an old computer. >.<

[dehro]

written "she likes you" notes ? how old is this cousin of hers?

[Jay R]

So, How does one summon up teh Courage?

I recommend you consider two thoughts:

1. The first time you rode a bike, you fell. The first time you tried to throw a ball, you missed. Maybe you won't do well this time. But then you will have a little experience for the next time.

I can promise you that sometimes you will do well, sometimes you will do poorly, and that it will get easier if you try. (I can also promise that it will not get easier if you don't try.)

2. Consider what the risks are.

If you don't talk to her, you never get to talk to her.

If you do talk to her, there are several possible outcomes, the worst of which is that you will never get to talk to her again.

The worst possible result of talking to her matches what you get by not trying.

So you can just take a critical fumble by not talking to her, or you can roll the dice by talking to her.

[Fibinachi]

Talking to girls? (Or people?)

Let me give you the advice I was once given by a inebriated Norwegian man at three in the morning while we were sitting in a bar on boat made of concrete.
It was a strange night.
Ahem:

"You know, Fibi, you're pretty cool" (He didn't actually say that)
"Thanks. So, hey mate, I like the thing you did earlier, at the meeting. Nice job"
"Oh, thank you. It was nothing. You see...

... Back when I was younger (a few months ago), I was very scared to talk to girls. To talk to... people. I always thought: Hah! I will say something stupid, and then they will laugh, and then I will be humiliated and how will I ever learn to talk to people? But then I realized I had a sister. And my sister was a woman! And I could talk to her.
And then I realized: I have a mother! And my mother is a woman! And I can talk to her. So clearly, I could talk to women and girls and people, and what I was worried about was not talking to them - it was something else...

... and so I wondered, what?"

"Well, what's your secret then? You seem pretty charming and confident"
"It is nice of one so pretty as you to say that. Thank you" (He didn't actually say that)

"My secret is not a secret: I just realized, I talk to people every day. I always say things. Teachers or bus drivers or cashiers. I was not afraid of talking to anyone, girl or man or woman or horse ("Horse?" "... I live on a farm" "Ah"). I was afraid of messing up by saying something silly because I wanted something from them, and thought if I said the wrong thing, I would not get what I wanted from them.

Thinking talking to girls is any different from talking to boys is any different from talking to horses is a mistake. Its very simply. You start with "Hi!" and then you go from there. Best pickup line in the world: "Hi". Because most people, yea?, they are very polite and friendly and quiet and will never ever say anything mean to you. Hel! If you seem polite and shy and nervous, everyone is always friendlier because you are nice and polite and nervous and what mean person would ever be nasty to one so obviously shy?!

So just say hi! And then, if you are very nervous, you say: "I am very nervous right now, because talking to new people makes me unsure of what to talk about. So how are you doing?""

"That seems clever enough, Norwegian Man"

"Indeed, Fibi. How about another drink?"

"Sure, sure. Don't want to not drink with a paraphrased interpretation of a Norwegian person giving me really good advice"

So the best advice about talking to people is, paradoxically, "Do not worry about talking to people. You have talked to people all your life, and you are capable of doing so again. You are simply nervous and worried that you will say THE WRONG THING, but THE WRONG THING, does not exist as such, because the worst thing that can happen in communication is that people will no longer talk to you. No worse than if you had not talked to them. It will come to you. Talk about the day and the people in it and your life and your hobbies and listen to theirs and ask them about theirs."

Think up a few questions to ask, think up a story to tell (What have you done recently that was cool?) and breathe out.

[The Succubus]

Truly, there is nothing wiser in this world than a drunk Norweign man. o7

@V: By all means. =p

[TheWombatOfDoom]

Truly, there is nothing wiser in this world than a drunk Norweign man. o7

And that is the perfect future sig. May I?

[ShadowFireLance]

written "she likes you" notes ? how old is this cousin of hers?

16...

Thanks guys...Well, I never got to talk today, Could'nt get her alone...

Annoying people.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Know that feeling, broski.

So how ... Not PG are we allowed to get in here, because I'm really confused about something.

[Sholos]

No that feeling, broski.

So how ... Not PG are we allowed to get in here, because I'm really confused about something.

I think as long as it's not explicit, it's pretty much allowed. PG-13 and all that.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Well, in that case, here it goes.

Spoiler

Show

So I had a pretty good female friend over Friday night. We hang out one on one a bit, we've even been mistaken as a couple before, but this is the first time she's ever been over to my house. Also, my dad wasn't home. So anyway, she comes over and we're watching both the Kill Bill movies back to back. In about the middle of the movie two, we end up cuddling. This ... escalated quite a bit once the movie was over (don't want to say what, but she instigated it) and then I tried to kiss her. As I was about to, I was told "Don't kiss me, [name]." Needless to say, I was confused. Things then escalated further at her behest (I thought things were going to end), and after a bit she got distracted by something. I questioned this distraction, and she explained she didn't want to get to into it. I asked her why and she said she wanted to be my friend tomorrow and didn't want to confuse me. Too late for that. After a bit she insisted we needed to stop, but after about five minutes we ended up cuddling for another hour or so.

So yeah. Confused. (Was I a boy toy? )

Additional info:

This happened Friday night/the wee hours of Saturday. Barely talked to her today in school, but that happens sometimes--we unusually hang outside of school and it's finals week. Started a casual texting conversation with her as of a few minutes ago.

Derp.

[Dvil]

Well, in that case, here it goes.

Spoiler

Show

So I had a pretty good female friend over Friday night. We hang out one on one a bit, we've even been mistaken as a couple before, but this is the first time she's ever been over to my house. Also, my dad wasn't home. So anyway, she comes over and we're watching both the Kill Bill movies back to back. In about the middle of the movie two, we end up cuddling. This ... escalated quite a bit once the movie was over (don't want to say what, but she instigated it) and then I tried to kiss her. As I was about to, I was told "Don't kiss me, [name]." Needless to say, I was confused. Things then escalated further at her behest (I thought things were going to end), and after a bit she got distracted by something. I questioned this distraction, and she explained she didn't want to get to into it. I asked her why and she said she wanted to be my friend tomorrow and didn't want to confuse me. Too late for that. After a bit she insisted we needed to stop, but after about five minutes we ended up cuddling for another hour or so.

So yeah. Confused. (Was I a boy toy? )

Additional info:

This happened Friday night/the wee hours of Saturday. Barely talked to her today in school, but that happens sometimes--we unusually hang outside of school and it's finals week. Started a casual texting conversation with her as of a few minutes ago.

Derp.

Sounds to me like she's after something of a friends-with-benefits style situation here, and decided that Friday was a good time to try that out. Why she chose to do so without informing you first is anyone's guess, but am I right in thinking you're relatively young? That might explain a little of that.

The only thing I can really advise is that you talk things out with this girl and see what her intentions and feelings are towards you. Don't force the conversation though if you can help it. Before you do so, I might suggest you also take some time to ask yourself those questions too, to make sure you know what you want.

Sorry I can't be of more help

[GnomeFighter]

Well, in that case, here it goes.

Spoiler

Show

So I had a pretty good female friend over Friday night. We hang out one on one a bit, we've even been mistaken as a couple before, but this is the first time she's ever been over to my house. Also, my dad wasn't home. So anyway, she comes over and we're watching both the Kill Bill movies back to back. In about the middle of the movie two, we end up cuddling. This ... escalated quite a bit once the movie was over (don't want to say what, but she instigated it) and then I tried to kiss her. As I was about to, I was told "Don't kiss me, [name]." Needless to say, I was confused. Things then escalated further at her behest (I thought things were going to end), and after a bit she got distracted by something. I questioned this distraction, and she explained she didn't want to get to into it. I asked her why and she said she wanted to be my friend tomorrow and didn't want to confuse me. Too late for that. After a bit she insisted we needed to stop, but after about five minutes we ended up cuddling for another hour or so.

So yeah. Confused. (Was I a boy toy? )

Additional info:

This happened Friday night/the wee hours of Saturday. Barely talked to her today in school, but that happens sometimes--we unusually hang outside of school and it's finals week. Started a casual texting conversation with her as of a few minutes ago.

Derp.

My advice, think about what you want. Then go to her and tell her how confused you are, why, and ask what she wants. There is a risk with this, of course. The alternative it to just let it carry on as it is and see what happens.

From my point of view, which may be wrong, one of three things happend.

1) She wants more but is frightend of ruining a friendship.
2) She is stringing you along.
3) She is poor at boundrys and where the "friendly contact" and "intimate contact" boundrys are, but without you being able to say more its difficult to tell.

[dehro]

My advice, think about what you want. Then go to her and tell her how confused you are, why, and ask what she wants. There is a risk with this, of course. The alternative it to just let it carry on as it is and see what happens.

From my point of view, which may be wrong, one of three things happend.

1) She wants more but is frightend of ruining a friendship.
2) She is stringing you along.
3) She is poor at boundrys and where the "friendly contact" and "intimate contact" boundrys are, but without you being able to say more its difficult to tell.

4) she's new at this and doesn't quite know what she's doing or how to proceed from there.

either way, talk.. i may cost you a friendship, it may develop in something more (so talk only when you kinda know what you want with and from her), it may be a short fling after which anything can happen, or maybe you work out something that lies inbetween all of the above.
not doing anything may on the other hand lead her to 1) loose interest
2)confuse you more
3)string you along
4)be even more confused than she may already be
5)take control of the situation and steer it where she wants to..which may turn out well for you.. or not.
on the whole, better to be on the active side of things and risk a bit of heartache than letting it pass you by.

[AtlanteanTroll]

Sounds to me like she's after something of a friends-with-benefits style situation here, and decided that Friday was a good time to try that out. Why she chose to do so without informing you first is anyone's guess, but am I right in thinking you're relatively young? That might explain a little of that.

Yeah, we're both 18. So relatively young I suppose. (Not that I think of it that way.) I really just need to talk to her, but it's finals week so we're both pretty busy. Ho hum. I suppose this'll all be settled pretty soon.

ReDehro: I appreciate your number 4 option, but it seems highly unlikely all things considered.

[Dvil]

Yeah, we're both 18. So relatively young I suppose. (Not that I think of it that way.)

Yeah, I myself am 19 so I know what you mean. Thing is I'm aware I do far more than my fair share of stupid stuff, especially when it comes to women, so it seems only reasonable to expect others our age to do likewise

Good luck though, both with the friend and the exams!

[IdleMuse]

@AtlanteanTroll

My advice would just be to ask? Ask what she wants, and reassure her that no matter what, you'll still be friends. If she says she's not sure, or confused, then just let her know you're there for her if she needs to talk, and that you're still great friends.

[Morph Bark]

So where I live it is common to send family and friends cards wishing them a merry Christmas and a happy new year. It is a pretty awesome feeling to have them return the favour.

Does this happen in other countries as well?

[Morbis Meh]

So where I live it is common to send family and friends cards wishing them a merry Christmas and a happy new year. It is a pretty awesome feeling to have them return the favour.

Does this happen in other countries as well?

My family and friends usually do that as well and it is a nice feeling to return the favour (I will be beginning a xmas card list next year with my fiancee, who will be my wife at that point, sending out some wedding photo's along with a thank you/xmas message)

[ShadowFireLance]

Would it be really Embarssing if I asked Said girl if we could speak, Alone?
(Also, If anyone follows, I tell them to go away?)

[Pyromancer999]

Would it be really Embarssing if I asked Said girl if we could speak, Alone?
(Also, If anyone follows, I tell them to go away?)

Hmm....maybe if the time comes up. You could also ask her to hang one-on-one.

[WarKitty]

So it's the time of year when every single person I care about leaves for 2 weeks. And I'm stuck here wishing I had a decent family or at least someone who was here that I could sit with. I don't know if I can make it to the beginning of next semester without a nervous breakdown here.

I'm just lonely. Not like, romance-lonely. I just want someone to be here. There's seriously nothing to do in this town that I can afford and isn't all party kids. I hate not having people here, and I feel like the only option anyone knows for me is to just sell myself into a relationship.

[Feytalist]

I'm just lonely. Not like, romance-lonely. I just want someone to be here. There's seriously nothing to do in this town that I can afford and isn't all party kids. I hate not having people here, and I feel like the only option anyone knows for me is to just sell myself into a relationship.

I totally understand that. I think it's crucially important to have someone there, even just to implicitly say "Yes, I acknowledge your existence, and your impact on my life." Everyone needs human interaction, and it's a shame that people don't act more on that basis, or confuse it with a need for a sexual relationship. And entering a relationship simply for that closeness is really not the best idea. But you already know that, I think.


And that segues nicely with the Troll's experience upthread. Perhaps the girl in question just wanted a bit of closeness, and maybe went at it slightly the wrong way. But I have a friend almost exactly like that. In fact, she said "Nope, no kissing" to me as well, the first time. But we can sit and chat, have a drink and hold each other, simply just to be close to someone. Simply being touched by someone else is important, sometimes.

[The Succubus]

Meh. It's only one week til Xmas but I'm really not feeling it today.

It's my ex's bday today and naturally I'm thinking about her a lot. We haven't spoken for months but part of me wants to send her a text wishing her a happy birthday. I'm just worried that if I do, it might freg up bad feelings and ruin it for her.

Bleh. =[