Personal Woes and Advice 3

[Astrella]

Update: Figured out why I was getting queasy when I took my pills, after asking the GP. Turns out I'm meant to take them after eating something, I was taking them first thing in the morning. It wasn't written on the box, so I didn't realise I was meant to do that.

Glad you found out. :)
I've taken meds where that was the case too.

[SouthpawSoldier]

I have a problem. I am a huge scifi/fantasy and D&D nerd. I also grew up outside of a small logging town, with limited interaction/education about people/society. It took over a decade of therapy to even somewhat approach being socially functional.

The two aspects of my development (country hermit & nerd) have created a great difficulty for me. I have small town values, but metropolitan interests. This leads to difficulty finding a niche or group where I feel wholly accepted. Fellow rural folks expect me to have certain values and interest, and urbanites expect the same.

I like being left alone, without others trying to tell me that how I live is badwrong according to their values. I do the same to others, generally speaking. Yet in both environments, I run into people that condemn or ostracize me because I don't fit their standards of behavior. Fellow intellectuals and geeks expect me to have shared views on certain topics; rural folks can't understand my interests.

How am I supposed to demonstrate to my child how to be a functional, social adult, when I can't even manage any friendships aside from my spouse? She's deathly afraid of cons and other geeks, due to geek elitism; our one attempt at involvement with SCA was her being intimidated by the intellectual pissing match over who knew most about Tolkien, as an example.

The geek/nerd community is supposed to be welcoming, as we've all experienced some form of harassment over who we are. Yet some of the most virulent behavior comes from within the community.

*Edit* Just in case my deliberate vagueness is inferred to be referring to Forbidden Topics, let me provide specific examples.

I've spent nearly a decade outside of the continental US. I've experienced a spectrum of foods from a variety of cultures. Rural towns in the US put cream in their carbonara and al fredo, or think tempura is Chinese. I get blank looks when I ask for burrata in a "specialty foods store".

I grew up around firearms. Not only as a means of providing food and protection to livestock, but they were recreational as well. Marksmanship is a form of meditation; similar to byudo, but without the ceremony. Metropolitan people have certain views of my enthusiasm and paint me with a inaccurate paintbrush.

Neither culture is wholly welcoming, since certain hobbies/views of mine immediately place me into that "other/enemy" camp.

[dehro]

I'm a little confused as to what the problem is...
Is it that you seem to be unable to find people to hang out with because you are standing with one foot in one camp and one in the other and most people in either camp you've met are judgemental pricks?
Or is the problem that that situation makes you feel inadequate to show your child that you're socially well adjusted and active and how he could be too? Is the proximity of the event the source of your mounting anxiety on this subject?

I think both issues will solve themselves or at least there will be opportunities for you to solve them precisely thanks to the whole child-raising challenge.
By adopting (if I remember well) you're going to enter by default in the "I'm a parent" group and in it's sub-group "I've adopted someone with these extra issues".
Whether the sub-group is a thing depends entirely on the circumstances of your adoptee.. If it's a baby who one day will need to be told he's adopted but who otherwise isn't presenting any additional challenge other than those of regular parenthood, then you're not into the club of those who need to confront additional challenges such as a little kid being aware of his/her status and coming in with baggage, a different cultural identity, maybe a medical challenge or another issue tied in to the adoption itself that makes you seek out other adoptive parents who face similar extra challenges.. So, focus groups, counseling, culture centers and such, depending on the particular situation.
Any way, if none of that is a thing, you'll still be a new parent and with it entire social groupings will open to you. You'll make friends with a bunch of new people through school, pediatrician visits, specialised shopping or other pursuits of your child (music, sports, scoutism, anything else) that might not be your own and wouldn't have otherwise been part of your life... People who might turn out to be neither redneck-y (does that come over as offensive? I hope not) nor geeky and it won't matter anyway because you'll spend 90% of your interactions with them talking about your kids, the content of their diapers and the challenges of teaching them not to stick lego bricks in their noses... And that, and your respective children's friendship, will be what you'll bond over.
In those groups you're bound to find a few people who either share your particular set of values and passions or, should they not, still will turn out not to be the judgemental *******s you've encountered so far... And therefore well suited to be social with or even friends.

[Dire Moose]

Do you prefer droughts or massive amounts of snow?

It doesn't matter. I'm not going to get either one.

From what I gathered during my interview, the Alaska position is looking for someone to take everything they've collected over the last couple of years and make sense of it. They want me to look at what they have, figure out what it is, where it came from, and how it's related to other stuff they've found, and compile everything in a database that does not appear to be designed yet. They now know that my experience with database software extends only to data entry and designing tables, and they likely want someone more experienced with it. Also, I only have some coursework with analyzing GPS data, and otherwise my work in this area extends only to recording coordinates. I have a lot of background with identifying, preparing, describing, and cataloguing fossils, but using GPS and database software beyond simple data collection is something I've yet to do much of. I doubt they'll hire me over a more tech-savvy person.

The California position had to reschedule their interview and is probably disappointed in me for not taking their call or checking my voicemail to notice this. In reality, my phone didn't notify me of the missed call at all and did not notify me of the voicemail for at least 30 minutes after it had been received. And then, when they tried to reschedule the interview, I informed them that I would be gone for 10 days in an area with very limited coverage. They rescheduled to the day after I would be getting back, but sounded disappointed in me. They probably think I'm an irresponsible idiot who thinks his vacation plans are more important than his job. I am not going on vacation, though. I am doing fieldwork for my current job, but I failed to inform them of this. I sent an email afterward clarifying what I was doing and why I would be gone, but nobody responded to it.

In addition, the position is geared toward, education, outreach, and exhibit design at a museum. While I have lots of experience in this area, they want someone with an arts degree in education or museum studies, and I have science degrees in biology and geology instead. I'm really surprised they contacted me despite their listed requirement to begin with.

Also, it's a museum dedicated to local history and doesn't have anything relevant to paleontology.

[SouthpawSoldier]

I'm a little confused as to what the problem is...
Is it that you seem to be unable to find people to hang out with because you are standing with one foot in one camp and one in the other and most people in either camp you've met are judgemental pricks?
Or is the problem that that situation makes you feel inadequate to show your child that you're socially well adjusted and active and how he could be too? Is the proximity of the event the source of your mounting anxiety on this subject?

Yes.

I feel a half-breed, unwelcome among either culture. I love the eclectic nature of cities, but I can't live there; too crowded, noisy, dirty; people from cities can't relate to heating a home with wood, or being outside at 3 am in February hunting for a ewe that decided she wanted to lamb in the outdoors, instead of the clean, warm, and dry stall you set up for her. Country culture has its charm, but lacks variety and complexity; the people don't understand how I can eat French for breakfast, Greek for lunch, and Hawaiian for dinner. I feel split in personality; I can listen to Ted Nugent and George Winston in the same sitting.

Our daughter came to us at 8 days of age. So far, there's no indication that she has any issues, though some of her bio-mother's issues may be hereditary. I anticipate some difficulty in her teen years, especially when she learns she's adopted. The three of us (myself, my wife and little miss) are each from a different blend of ethnic backgrounds. To my wife and I, it has no bearing; we've fostered kids from a variety of backgrounds, before her placement. Others may try to convince her that we took her in out of trying to "rescue" her from her racial identity.

While I was up front with CPS during licensing about my past and my treatment history, and they cleared me, I'm still terrified about being capable. My childhood was pretty evil, and I see a disturbing quantity of my parents' behaviors in myself. I don't think of myself as the same monsters they were, but they did their worst/best to turn me into one. Social interaction as always been incredibly difficult for me, exacerbated by my parents' influence and my isolation as a child. I've always been on the fringe of groups, either work or socially. The last thing I want to do is continue the pattern. I want to raise her to be better than I was; more confident, more driven, more emotionally balanced; I want her to succeed, when I've barely survived. I don't know how to teach something I don't know myself.

[dehro]

Yes.

I feel a half-breed, unwelcome among either culture. I love the eclectic nature of cities, but I can't live there; too crowded, noisy, dirty; people from cities can't relate to heating a home with wood, or being outside at 3 am in February hunting for a ewe that decided she wanted to lamb in the outdoors, instead of the clean, warm, and dry stall you set up for her. Country culture has its charm, but lacks variety and complexity; the people don't understand how I can eat French for breakfast, Greek for lunch, and Hawaiian for dinner. I feel split in personality; I can listen to Ted Nugent and George Winston in the same sitting.

Our daughter came to us at 8 days of age. So far, there's no indication that she has any issues, though some of her bio-mother's issues may be hereditary. I anticipate some difficulty in her teen years, especially when she learns she's adopted. The three of us (myself, my wife and little miss) are each from a different blend of ethnic backgrounds. To my wife and I, it has no bearing; we've fostered kids from a variety of backgrounds, before her placement. Others may try to convince her that we took her in out of trying to "rescue" her from her racial identity.

While I was up front with CPS during licensing about my past and my treatment history, and they cleared me, I'm still terrified about being capable. My childhood was pretty evil, and I see a disturbing quantity of my parents' behaviors in myself. I don't think of myself as the same monsters they were, but they did their worst/best to turn me into one. Social interaction as always been incredibly difficult for me, exacerbated by my parents' influence and my isolation as a child. I've always been on the fringe of groups, either work or socially. The last thing I want to do is continue the pattern. I want to raise her to be better than I was; more confident, more driven, more emotionally balanced; I want her to succeed, when I've barely survived. I don't know how to teach something I don't know myself.

Nobody goes into parenting knowing what they're doing. Everybody learns the hard way. Some fail to learn. You begin with the advantage of wanting to do better than was done by you and being ready to make that effort. Really pursuing that parenthood instead of having it thrust upon you by a leaky condom or careless promiscuity is yet another strong motivator to do well and will contribute to you actually nailing it. Even so, accept that you'll make mistakes and take advantage of the opportunity of comparing yourself with other parents you will inevitably come in touch with. Learn from their mistakes as much as from yours and use your and your wife's common sense to screen the validity of the advice other parents and teachers (or random guys from the internets) might give you.
Build connections with other parents through what you have in common, parenthood. You probably won't find many of them ready to go hunting with you and also play d&d with, but you might find that doing one of the two and talking about babyproofing the house is more than enough to bond over to gloss over that other thing you do that they're not interested in...But Which another parent might want to do.
Don't overshoot/project your expectations on the happiness of your kid by trying to decide what will make her happy other than candy...You don't want to be that guy who couldn't make it in med school and decides his precious daughter will become a surgeon even though she'd rather be an architect or a florist. If you're afraid of not knowing how to teach your daughter to be social, allow school and extracurricular activities to do that for you. At least until she finds her own passions, steer her towards team sports and activities instead of solitary pursuits. She'll be surrounded by so many kids that she'll have to learn to be social even without your presence. Just look out for signs that she might not be coping or maybe is being bullied, and if that doesn't happen your work is probably done for you, in that respect.
I'm prattling now, am I not?

[Velaryon]

I know I've posted in this thread before because of the big check mark, but I can't find my old posts. I assume they were frustrations about loneliness, depression, and inability to find work, since that's pretty much the story of the last couple years for me. Things have progressed somewhat since then, but I'm not out of the woods yet and I've got some new problems on my plate too. I'm not so much looking for advice, but rather just to vent a bit. Though I suppose if anybody has something really good, I'd be happy to have it.

So, here it goes. To anyone who decides to read this, beware, it's late and I tend to ramble a bit, especially when I'm tired.

Spoiler: Work

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I finished library school in January, and I'm ahead on my student loans, so I have that going for me at least. But I'm not anywhere close to where I want to be right now. I love the library where I work, but I'm stuck in a paraprofessional position, with only 14 hours per week, plus whatever fill-ins I get. I do get a lot of fill-in work, but it's unreliable and I do not get any sort of benefits such as insurance, sick time, or vacation time. Last month, the library underwent an organizational shift that means I can no longer work in one of the departments where I used to fill in (Teens, which is what I specialized in during school but not where my current job has me). This means fewer opportunities to fill in, which means less money, and also less experience on my resume for any future teen positions I apply for.

To make it worse, I'm feeling stuck. There was a recent job posting that I knew I was underqualified for, but I applied anyway in hopes that I would position myself better for moving up if someone else was hired internally. They did hire someone else, but rather than conducting interviews for that person's position, they automatically shifted somebody else there and there's no opportunity to move up. I've applied to other places, both other part-time jobs I could do alongside my current one and also full-time positions, but I've had no luck yet. That should come as no surprise, since I've been trying to land work in a library since mid-2012 and the only time it's ever actually happened is this current job that I'm massively overqualified for. I'm thankful to even have this much, but I can't support myself on what I make right now. I'm making roughly the equivalent of a cashier at Aldi, but with way fewer hours and no benefits. And I got a friggin' masters degree for this. What money I do make mostly goes to my car payments and student loans, and I continue to live with my parents, about a week and a half shy of my 32nd birthday.

Spoiler: Relationships

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I've been single for nearly 23 months now, not by choice. My last breakup was not mutual at all, and though I don't mope about it like I used to, I'm still full of anger and bitterness that I just can't seem to let go no matter how hard I try. It creeps up on me whenever I have nothing else to occupy my thoughts. I used to love walks, but now I can't take them anymore because my mind inevitably turns to how lonely I am and how pissed I am at someone who has probably long since moved on with her life by now.

I've tried to move on as well. I've been out with half a dozen women at least, but I never make it more than one or two dates at most. Either I find that I'm just not that interested in them, or if I am interested then I never hear back from them. I know I'm not exactly a catch right now, given my level of employment, living with my parents, and I'm not even in great physical shape either, but on a planet with seven billion people, you'd think I could find one whom I like enough to go on a second date with, and who likes me enough to do the same.

I've had a couple of purely sexual flings in that time, but I've found them a lot of work to pursue and largely unfulfilling for all the effort that goes into it.

Many nights I go to bed wondering why so many other people I know can find love, while I'm alone and still missing someone who threw me away like a piece of garbage nearly two years ago. I know it's stupid to think that way, but I can't seem to shake it no matter how hard I try.

Spoiler: Family troubles and health

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In case I didn't have a full enough plate already, the last few months have been a big struggle for my family. My mom had to have her gallbladder out right after Mother's Day, and spent nearly two weeks in the hospital recovering because she's in poor health thanks to cerebral palsy, type 2 diabetes, terrible diet, and 50+ years of smoking that she won't quit no matter how many times life smacks her upside the head. Three weeks after she got out, she fell over at home and couldn't stand back up even with help. It turned out she had an abscess on her liver that was leaking into her blood, which could have killed her if it had gone another day or two before being discovered. This was early June.

After having an operation to drain the abscess and getting pumped full of antibiotics, she spent nine days with a tube down her throat because her lungs weren't strong enough to breathe on their own, and she was fully sedated the whole time. She spent a couple weeks in intensive care, but was eventually moved to the hospital's physical rehab center. Thanks to her various ailments, she took a very long time to recover even some of her strength, and she was finally up for discharge about a week and a half ago. But... no, of course it's not that simple.

Two days before she was scheduled for discharge, they did another CT scan, which was an ordeal in itself. She has a pinched nerve in her back and can't lie down without extreme pain - she had been sleeping in a chair at home for months, and was about to schedule surgery to deal with it when all this other stuff came up. As a result, they had to dope her up with friggin' morphine to get her to lie down long enough to look at her liver with a CT scan. And after all that, what they found is that the abscess isn't gone yet, so she needs another month of antibiotics.

We were at first told that insurance would approve her being treated at home, then the following day they said it wasn't approved after all, so my mom had to go to a nursing home. The only one within 30 minutes of us that is in her insurance network is the one where my grandmother (paternal) spent the last few years of her life, and which we had an overwhelmingly negative experience with. Literally every possession my grandma had went missing at this place - her clothes, her glasses, her wheelchair, even her dentures got "misplaced." Fortunately the place is under different management now, but it's still pretty far from an ideal situation.

This would be a pretty rotten situation for any family, but in my case it's even worse. My father is very nearly blind and cannot drive. He's also hard of hearing and completely inept with technology. I am an only child, so I have no brothers or sisters to help me. My only aunts and uncles live hours away, and the only blood relative I have within 50 miles lives a very busy life and is either unable or unwilling to set aside any of the other things going on in her life, so I am pretty much on my own. My uncle would be willing to drive up from downstate to help for a couple days, but we don't have space to put him up adn there really isn't much he could do other than be the one to drive my dad to the nursing home a couple of times.

And at the nursing home, it continues to be two steps back for every step forward. My mom has developed severe neck pain in the last couple of days, that the staff there hasn't been able to identify. They got her an X-ray but as far as I've heard that turned up no information on what could be causing the pain. Everyone is assuming that it's her sleeping position (sitting in her wheelchair leaning forward, with her head resting on a pillow on the bed, which is raised up to more or less the level of a desk), but even if they're correct about the cause they haven't come up with any sort of solution.

So in short, I'm stuck in a part-time job with too few hours and not using my full potential or qualifications, I'm single, lonely, and depressed about it, and I'm feeling pretty damn overwhelmed trying to take care of my increasingly frail mother and my aging father all by myself. I have pretty awesome friends whom I get to see maybe once every couple of weeks if I'm lucky, but otherwise I'm feeling trapped, and like the things I want in life are getting further away rather than closer. I don't know what I can do other than just grit my teeth and keep applying to jobs while visiting my mom as much as possible and hoping she gets to come home someday, and that her medical bills don't bankrupt us whenever they finally come due.


Edited to add: Oh, and I almost forgot: All my family, friends, coworkers, and assorted Facebook acquaintances frequently ask, in their well-intentioned way, how my mother is doing and whether there is anything they can do to help... which as far as I can see, there isn't. I try to post what's going on with her regularly on Facebook, because as much as I appreciate people's concern it's freakin' tiring to be asked about her all the damn time, and honestly I get annoyed at people constantly asking for updates... and then I feel bad for getting annoyed because I know they mean well. I'm agnostic (or rather, an atheist who admits he can't know for absolute certain), so when many of my neighbors, friends, etc. tell me they're praying for her, I force myself to smile politely while trying not to make any sort of rude comment about offering prayers in lieu of actual help (which again, there isn't much of anything that anybody could do for me anyway).

I kinda hate my life right now...

[dehro]

This is probably going to sound stupid but... You Not working full time is probably a good thing right now, because at least it gives you the time and opportunity to be there for your parents more than you could be if you were working all day. In that respect I'm rather happy to be able to work from home most of the time, because it allows me to assist my father when needed (parkinson's). That minimal blessing aside, I wish you strength.

[Velaryon]

This is probably going to sound stupid but... You Not working full time is probably a good thing right now, because at least it gives you the time and opportunity to be there for your parents more than you could be if you were working all day. In that respect I'm rather happy to be able to work from home most of the time, because it allows me to assist my father when needed (parkinson's). That minimal blessing aside, I wish you strength.

No, you're probably right. I mean, I fill in so much that I often come close to full-time hours, but then sometimes I don't and I only have maybe 18, sometimes even just my default 14 hours. What problems I have with stress, lack of social life, etc. would almost undoubtedly be worse if I were working 37.5 guaranteed hours every week. And I have some flexibility with my hours as well. If I get someone to cover a shift I don't get paid, but at least if I really need a day, I can usually get it. Thankfully that doesn't happen often.

It's just that being chronically underemployed is something I have struggled with my entire adult life, and the whole reason I went to graduate school (paid out of my savings plus student loans) was to try and turn my life around. But after the two dozenth or so rejection, it starts to take a toll on my feeling of self-worth.

One detail I forgot to mention in my previous post is that up until the end of June, I had an additional 4 hours that were not officially permanent, but were (I thought) generally understood to be mine. At the beginning of the fiscal year though, they were taken away and a salaried full-time employee was given the hours instead since they didn't have to be paid more. I'm sure it was a purely financial decision and not meant as a reflection of how management perceives my value as an employee, but at the same time I do feel that I'm worth more than my current position and I've been given no sign that anyone else sees it that way.

I make it through every day (not entirely without complaint but usually with at least an outwardly positive attitude), but there are times I just don't understand why I can't seem to make any headway in life.

[dehro]

Spoiler: health 2.0, the annoyance of uncertainty: not looking for advice, just venting.

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if you've read my previous health vent, you'll remember I have been dealing with some arthritis, which has thankfully receded for the most part.
That said, the reason for this arthritis turns out not to be a streptococcus after all. I had a CAT scan performed today. The result has not been written down yet, but the radiologist has given me a spoiler as to the likely content of her medical report. Her first impression was Lymphoma, but on closer inspection she believes I might have a case of Sarcoidosis, which would fit much better with the previous results (blood tests and general medical history of the last month or two, symptoms and such.) However, she still has to make her final assessment, as she could only give the scan a quick look, before moving on to the next patient.
the Sarcoidosis I had to google, and it's either something that is already working its way out of my system or something that may stick with me for the rest of my days. That said, it's nothing worth writing home about.. you take pills for it and it doesn't do you much harm at all. I don't fit the profile of your usual Sarcoidosis patient at all other than by age group, but that may not be super relevant and the development of my symptoms seems to fit it pretty well.
The lymphoma.. I didn't google. It sounds as ugly as it is already.
So, I'm scheduling a lung specialist, who will either have a closer look at the CAT scan results and tell me that it is indeed sarcoidosis, or he'll want to do further testing to confirm it or rule it out and focus on the uglier option.
This sucks either way, also because on the 8th I'm supposed to be leaving for my first proper holiday in a couple years, whereas I might end up in hospital getting tested with an ugly sword of Damocles hanging over my head.
I have good reasons to think the likely outcome is Sarcoidosis but the fact that Lymphoma is even a possibility that can't yet be ruled out... well.. it's not nice to think of, so I'm trying not to. If everything goes to plan, within a couple more days I'll know more.

[HalfTangible]

Today we registered for classes, and Mom found out I failed two of my classes in the spring (also I'm on academic probation now). And had the gall to be shocked by it, despite the fact that we knew this was coming and I have been telling her FOR YEARS that going to college is a waste of her money and my time for precisely this reason: I suck, I'm an idiot, and I'm probably going to just flunk out.

She wasn't angry. I think I could've handled anger. She was just... kinda quiet about the whole thing. Just glad Dad is in Russia. Mr. 'Mass murderer waiting to happen' wouldn't have helped.

And I... broke down. I didn't actually cry until I got back to my room, but I... ya know that half-sob noise people have when they're desperate? There was a lot of that. I don't remember all of what I said. I do know I told her that I'd tried everything she was suggesting and none of it worked. I asked if I would call myself a miserable a failure if I hadn't already tried everything I could. At the end I just said to do whatever, I didn't care. Also, I tripped over nothing when I left, just to compound the miserable idiocy that is David Burton.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I want to be a writer, but I've never finished a story. I want to be a game programmer, but I can't manage gaming courses or finish programming a game. One of my teachers told me a year or so ago that he could recommend me to someone at Valve. I should've laughed in his face; Like Valve would even look at me. I have no value beyond being a human life, and there's 7 billion people who can do that.

The semester hasn't even started and I already want to shoot myself like it's a week to finals. Again.

What a great ****ing start.

[aspi]

Today we registered for classes, and Mom found out I failed two of my classes in the spring (also I'm on academic probation now). And had the gall to be shocked by it, despite the fact that we knew this was coming and I have been telling her FOR YEARS that going to college is a waste of her money and my time for precisely this reason: I suck, I'm an idiot, and I'm probably going to just flunk out.

This may sound harsh, but with this attitude I believe that you pretty much cannot succeed. You're setting yourself up for failure if you don't even give yourself a chance. And you're wrong about that estimation. Nobody is just stupid, we all have things that we are good and and where we can contribute. You just haven't found yours and - from the sound of it - you're bashing your head against a wall that you don't even want to tear down. It might be better to look for a door elsewhere, if you truly feel that way.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I want to be a writer, but I've never finished a story. I want to be a game programmer, but I can't manage gaming courses or finish programming a game.

This - to me - indicates that you do not want to be a writer. You like the idea of being a writer or a game designer, but you don't actually like doing the work - otherwise you would be doing it. Any kind of creative work is really, really hard and you need a desire that forces you to create, not just a yearning to be a creator.

You should consider that you're very likely not failing because you're physically or mentally incapable of doing it, but because you lack the motivation to do it properly. Dedication is so much more important in success than intellect or knowledge. Instead of trying to figure out what you wan to do, maybe you can start thinking about hat you actually like doing and then find an education that is geared towards that. And that definitely does not have to be an academic education.

[HalfTangible]

This may sound harsh, but with this attitude I believe that you pretty much cannot succeed. You're setting yourself up for failure if you don't even give yourself a chance. And you're wrong about that estimation. Nobody is just stupid, we all have things that we are good and and where we can contribute. You just haven't found yours and - from the sound of it - you're bashing your head against a wall that you don't even want to tear down. It might be better to look for a door elsewhere, if you truly feel that way.

This - to me - indicates that you do not want to be a writer. You like the idea of being a writer or a game designer, but you don't actually like doing the work - otherwise you would be doing it. Any kind of creative work is really, really hard and you need a desire that forces you to create, not just a yearning to be a creator.

I like writing. It's the only thing I've really been good at or enjoyed (aside from playing video games, but you can't make much of a career out of that)

I just can't finish anything, is the issue.

You should consider that you're very likely not failing because you're physically or mentally incapable of doing it, but because you lack the motivation to do it properly. Dedication is so much more important in success than intellect or knowledge. Instead of trying to figure out what you wan to do, maybe you can start thinking about hat you actually like doing and then find an education that is geared towards that. And that definitely does not have to be an academic education.

I find it ironic to the point of hilarity that you're telling me to give up on writing and programming because I'm not dedicated enough to them

[dehro]

In the meantime my situation has evolved from "you probably have this thing and not a lymphoma", to "but to make sure, let's probe and poke you for a week."
So now I'm in hospital, mentally preparing for a week of probing and poking, and not the fun kind

[aspi]

I like writing. It's the only thing I've really been good at or enjoyed (aside from playing video games, but you can't make much of a career out of that)

I just can't finish anything, is the issue.

I find it ironic to the point of hilarity that you're telling me to give up on writing and programming because I'm not dedicated enough to them

Hm, I think that irony might be lost on me

So just to be clear: I'm not telling you to give up on anything in particular - I don't know you well enough to do that. But I would definitely suggest that you consider the distinction between wanting to be a person with a certain job and doing that job.

But I am probably missing part of the picture, so let me rephrase: If you're motivated to write and like writing, why can't you finish a game or a story? What's holding you back or standing in your way?

[lio45]

I like writing. It's the only thing I've really been good at or enjoyed (aside from playing video games, but you can't make much of a career out of that)

I just can't finish anything, is the issue.

I would tend to side with him on that... if you really like it, then you shouldn't have problems putting time into it (i.e. finishing it).

I used to think I loved to work on my vehicles (I've always been a huge car guy) but lately someone close to me remarked that just based on my attitude (I had heavy mechanical work to do on one of my trucks and wasn't looking forward at all to it) it didn't seem to be the case. That remark hit home, and made me think... They were kinda right!

If you think you like golf, but when it's time to go golfing you have to be dragged kicking and screaming, then you don't like golf, regardless of what you think.

[The Fury]

Gosh... I never feel good about venting my own personal problems on other people but sometimes I feel like that's all I can really do.

Though I've been feeling sort of better lately, I've been hiding the fact that I've been horribly depressed for months now. When I'm at my worst I feel like I can't be around the people at all. So hopefully nobody minds me making an ugly confession-- I had the Fourth of July off this year, and I got invitations from friends and family to spend it with them. I lied to all of them. I lied and told them I had to work, just because I felt like I was too much of a sad sack to be around. Doing so didn't make me feel any better though.

[FinnLassie]

Spoiler: family issues that i need to vent and absolutely don't need advice for

Show

My dad has cut contact with everyone three months ago and life sucks. He's having a major "woe is me" attitude. It's partially justified, but not enough to vanish into thin air. The worst feeling is knowing he is alive... yet completely out of reach...

[Winter_Wolf]

I like writing. It's the only thing I've really been good at or enjoyed (aside from playing video games, but you can't make much of a career out of that)

I just can't finish anything, is the issue.

Write shorter stories. If you can't get through a one page story, you're not trying. And probably you don't actually like it very much. But I get it, sometimes you write yourself into a corner and you'll have to scrap it to make it work. Or just write a crap ending and be irritated by it so you've motivation to try again but do better. Some of my favorite stories are little one to five pagers by the way. Give yourself a maximum page limit and make it low so you'll have to cut out a few details. When you get sick of not having enough space to say what you want to say, you'll start "cheating" and add a page or three, maybe.

I would tend to side with him on that... if you really like it, then you shouldn't have problems putting time into it (i.e. finishing it).

I used to think I loved to work on my vehicles (I've always been a huge car guy) but lately someone close to me remarked that just based on my attitude (I had heavy mechanical work to do on one of my trucks and wasn't looking forward at all to it) it didn't seem to be the case. That remark hit home, and made me think... They were kinda right!

If you think you like golf, but when it's time to go golfing you have to be dragged kicking and screaming, then you don't like golf, regardless of what you think.

I don't know if I can really agree with that. Usually the initial hump to get over comes before you begin. Sure people talk about hitting a wall or hurdle in the middle of projects, but mostly I hear that about projects that drag on too long and/or weren't exactly voluntarily undertaken. I enjoy a lot of things once I get started but I overthink things before I start or I've got so much negativity surrounding it (chores, or the even better looking-forward-to-it-but-mood-ruined-by-nagging thing my spouse does so now I don't want to either because guilt or out of spite) that I shun it until I'm doing it. I actually enjoy cleaning my home, once I've started. Getting started is a pain, though! Probably because even though I was going to do it anyway, I don't get good will credit for doing it before she brought it up, but I'll get **** for it if I don't get to it on her schedule. Sniping a "make me breakfast" when I'm literally opening the fridge to get the ingredients for it anyway immediately makes the food worse because my mood has gone from love to wow-another-demand just like that. Maybe I should thank her, I have become a master of stealth over the years just to keep ahead of her doing that.

[Solamnicknight]

Hello playground, here's my personal woe that I need some feedback on.

Spoiler: The dread case manager

Show

So, I have Autism and Anxiety disorder. Therefore I have a case manager that comes to my house and is supposed to be helpful, but really hasn't been. Here's why. I've been doing as much as I can to become independent, yet I still live with my mother. I get along with her well. I even help her by doing the grocery shopping, cleaning etc while also going to college. I've struggled a bit with anxiety there which led me dropping some of my classes. The ones I did take I passed and did well. However I because of the anxiety and insecurity I only have taken three classes so far. I also had a job landscaping but the weather wasn't good this summer so they didn't need my help as much and I didn't work consistently. So, I want to look for a new job next March. This is where the case manager comes in. He always seems to want more than I can handle and keeps saying I'm not independent enough. For example he wanted me to move out of my mom's house despite us having a healthy relationship and last week he berated me for not looking for job right away since the landscaping job wasn't consistent. I don't want to look for a new job right this minute since I'm taking more classes to make up for the ones I dropped. I don't want my anxiety flaring up when I'm going back to school, but this guy has me feeling so anxious right now, like I'm an irresponsible person. My close friends and family have noticed my rising anxiety and have been supportive, but I still feel insecure. This insecurity also has prevented me from working on my novel and D&D campaign. So I want to know how do I defend myself when this case manager starts going on and on about me being irresponsible.

[dehro]

Since you have a healthy relationship with your mother, what is her take on your case manager's attitude? Does she share your opinion that he's being counterproductive or does she believe he's merely pushing you to do better and maybe think you're over-reacting?
It's probably more useful to you to have the opinion of someone who hears both the arguments, than ours, if it's available.

[Chen]

Also what is the case manager's role? Are they there to push you towards being more independent? Or are they supposed to be a more supportive/counciling type role? Are they supposed to be a replacement for a therapist for example, or would they be supposing you'd also be seeing a therapist?

[The Fury]

I keep getting told about how I have "so much to offer" and "so many good qualities." I never know how to feel about that. Especially since it seems like I get replaced so frequently and so easily. Maybe that's not entirely true but that's what it feels like.

On a somewhat related note, I think my best friend doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

I'm sorry. I feel like I should be offering more help and not just being whiny and sad. I'll get better, I'm sure I will, I just can't quite seem to get out of my own head right now.

[aspi]

I keep getting told about how I have "so much to offer" and "so many good qualities." I never know how to feel about that.

Does it matter to you? Would you change if people didn't tell you that you had a lot to offer and good qualities? To me, such statements are meaningless, as they are either offered by people that want to make you feel better or make themselves feel better by being nice. The first task can be accomplished in other ways and the second is nothing your should burden yourself with.

It should not matter to you what others believe you have to offer. It's not your job to make them feel that way, it's your job to be ok with yourself. So do you yourself feel that you have good qualities and a lot to offer, or would you rather change something about yourself? It's your opinion about yourself that counts, not theirs.

[The Fury]

I'll be straight with you-- I don't know if I have good qualities or not. When I get introspective I can't really see any good qualities in myself. Family and friends insist I have them though. That's why it's always such a baffling remark when it does come up.

I honestly don't know if I've been settling for far less than what I'm worth, or if I'm incredibly lucky to have what I have. I keep getting told that the former case is true. I know I shouldn't care, but when it's people I actually care about telling me, I can't help but care. I know that I should do what makes me happy, but I'm not even sure what that is.

[HalfTangible]

I'll be straight with you-- I don't know if I have good qualities or not. When I get introspective I can't really see any good qualities in myself. Family and friends insist I have them though. That's why it's always such a baffling remark when it does come up.

You know what they say: you're your own harshest critic.

[The Fury]

You know what they say: you're your own harshest critic.

True. And that's where more than a few of my problems come from.

[Icewraith]

I keep getting told about how I have "so much to offer" and "so many good qualities." I never know how to feel about that. Especially since it seems like I get replaced so frequently and so easily. Maybe that's not entirely true but that's what it feels like.

On a somewhat related note, I think my best friend doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

I'm sorry. I feel like I should be offering more help and not just being whiny and sad. I'll get better, I'm sure I will, I just can't quite seem to get out of my own head right now.

Are you getting treatment for this depression? If not, please get some help. Going it alone with depression is like trying to levitate by yanking on your own shoelaces, and only slightly more effective. You're probably awesome at a number of things, you've just been running on 20% of your mental resources for so long you think that it's normal and you just suck. That's almost always not the case. With the help of a licensed professional (most of them are competent, although there are a couple bad ones out there so get a second opinion if a particular professional doesn't seem to be helping) you can (with some effort) get your depressed brain back in shape and then discover what life can be like without your brain sabotaging you and then making you feel ashamed that you can't keep up with people who have working, non-depressed brains.

Seriously, it's like you're trying to run a race with an extra 50 lb weight shackled to your legs. Never mind finishing first, finishing a race at all is actually a huge accomplishment. However, if you've been managing to run races at all with the weight, imagine how well you'll do when you manage to get the shackles removed!

It's very rare for severe depression to spontaneously reverse itself, so slogging through the same old routine that lets you barely function and hoping things get better probably won't work. Find a licensed medical professional, ideally one that specializes in handling depression, be honest with them, do what they tell you, and odds are extremely good that things will improve for you.

Edit: And try not to let the fear of failure or rejection stop you from getting help, or exhaustion convince you to put things off until next week. Fear, shame, and a lack of energy are the depressed brain's best ways of stopping you from doing anything that would be beneficial for you. Whether it's getting treatment, cooking a healthy dinner instead of settling for junk food, maintaining a circle of friends, furthering your education, or doing anything fun with other people, your depressed brain will almost certainly try to convince you it's not worth the effort, you'll be awkward if you go, people will laugh at you, nothing's actually wrong with you- you just suck, you're a failure, you're too tired, and if you screwed it up or missed an appointment you'll just screw it up again and no one will want to see you.

[MrConsideration]

I'll be straight with you-- I don't know if I have good qualities or not. When I get introspective I can't really see any good qualities in myself. Family and friends insist I have them though. That's why it's always such a baffling remark when it does come up.

I honestly don't know if I've been settling for far less than what I'm worth, or if I'm incredibly lucky to have what I have. I keep getting told that the former case is true. I know I shouldn't care, but when it's people I actually care about telling me, I can't help but care. I know that I should do what makes me happy, but I'm not even sure what that is.

Depression is an illness. One of the symptoms is seeing only the negatives, and being unable to acknowledge or see all the things that make you brilliant.

You know the standards things that can help: talk to people, take a walk outside in nature, do some exercise, listen to music (even music that makes you sad), concentrate on something creative like a drawing - if you can't make yourself do these things today, that's cool too: today might be a bed-day and they're a part of self-care also.

[The Fury]

Are you getting treatment for this depression? If not, please get some help. Going it alone with depression is like trying to levitate by yanking on your own shoelaces, and only slightly more effective. You're probably awesome at a number of things, you've just been running on 20% of your mental resources for so long you think that it's normal and you just suck. That's almost always not the case. With the help of a licensed professional (most of them are competent, although there are a couple bad ones out there so get a second opinion if a particular professional doesn't seem to be helping) you can (with some effort) get your depressed brain back in shape and then discover what life can be like without your brain sabotaging you and then making you feel ashamed that you can't keep up with people who have working, non-depressed brains.

I have been to counseling before, and it has helped. Between my full-time job and trying to get back into volunteering I haven't had time to start going back. I know how much that sounds like a sorry excuse, but that's how I feel.

Seriously, it's like you're trying to run a race with an extra 50 lb weight shackled to your legs. Never mind finishing first, finishing a race at all is actually a huge accomplishment. However, if you've been managing to run races at all with the weight, imagine how well you'll do when you manage to get the shackles removed!

It's very rare for severe depression to spontaneously reverse itself, so slogging through the same old routine that lets you barely function and hoping things get better probably won't work. Find a licensed medical professional, ideally one that specializes in handling depression, be honest with them, do what they tell you, and odds are extremely good that things will improve for you.

If you're speaking of going in for psychiatric evaluation, that's something I've considered. My councilor actually recommended that I go. I'm not so sure about it, personally. There's the stigma surrounding mental illness in general, but being sick mentally always a different sort of problem for me. Whatever I have, I'm fairly high-functioning so that leads people around me to insist that there isn't anything wrong with me at all. Which I don't think they realize just how hurtful that actually is-- being told that I'm perfectly fine when I feel horrible. There's another, nastier flavor of this too; being reminded that mental illness and depression are real and cause a lot of suffering and how I should be ashamed of claiming that I have depression when I clearly do not. Actually being diagnosed and medicated might help, but I don't think it's ever going to be something I can ever discuss with my friends and definitely not with my family.

Edit: And try not to let the fear of failure or rejection stop you from getting help, or exhaustion convince you to put things off until next week. Fear, shame, and a lack of energy are the depressed brain's best ways of stopping you from doing anything that would be beneficial for you. Whether it's getting treatment, cooking a healthy dinner instead of settling for junk food, maintaining a circle of friends, furthering your education, or doing anything fun with other people, your depressed brain will almost certainly try to convince you it's not worth the effort, you'll be awkward if you go, people will laugh at you, nothing's actually wrong with you- you just suck, you're a failure, you're too tired, and if you screwed it up or missed an appointment you'll just screw it up again and no one will want to see you.

I do enjoy cooking. Maybe I should get back into it. I'd like to say that I have been maintaining a circle of friends too, I'm not though. In fact I'm more distant with my friends than I've ever been. Forgive me if I'm getting too personal, but whenever I start to feel like this I get reminded of an anecdote from some years ago. I used to work at a volunteer job, and as a way of saying thank you for all my hard work one of the staff gave me a pass for brunch for two at this neat little cafe. It was even in an envelope with hearts drawn on it and everything. Though it was really nice and really thoughtful, nobody I knew wanted to go with me. I actually tried to give the pass back because I couldn't really use it, I was reassured that "someone" would want to go with me. I held onto the pass for a few months before giving it to a coworker that could actually use it. I'd never felt so lonely in my entire life.

Depression is an illness. One of the symptoms is seeing only the negatives, and being unable to acknowledge or see all the things that make you brilliant.

You know the standards things that can help: talk to people, take a walk outside in nature, do some exercise, listen to music (even music that makes you sad), concentrate on something creative like a drawing - if you can't make yourself do these things today, that's cool too: today might be a bed-day and they're a part of self-care also.

I suppose that's true, though in my case I've had issues with depression for so long that I don't even remember being able to see legitimate good qualities in myself. Whenever I try I usually end up weighing the pros and cons of throwing myself off an overpass. Sorry to be melodramatic, but I'm trying to be completely honest.

I do try to stay active though. I don't have a car so I usually walk and take the bus whenever I go somewhere. Walking outside can be a surreal experience for me sometimes.

I haven't really had time for creative stuff-- I used to really enjoy it, I'm not sure I can still do it. I used to enjoy reading too, though a lot of my time seems devoted to reading about personal finance and career planning. Meanwhile I'm preparing to move and a large part of that is getting rid of a lot of my books.