Relationship Woes and Advice 25: Now with extra Valentine

[TheSummoner]

Just going to repost this since I don't think I ever got a reply.

I'll be attending a convention next month. While preparing for it, I started thinking about girl I'm interested in who will be there. I know her from a different convention and she had mentioned that she planned on going to the upcoming one. The last time I saw her (a few months back at the last con I went to), we spent a bit of time together and I really enjoyed it. I thought I felt a connection so I decided to ask her out. She declined and explained that because of her situation with school and family and the like, she didn't think it was a good time to start seeing someone. She also assured me that she thought I seemed like a really nice guy, which would've instantly set off every red flag for "politely letting me down" if she hadn't also said that if it had been a year later when I asked and she had things a bit more in hand, she probably would've said yes. So... Because of that, there's a bit of hope that I can't help but cling to. I also asked if we could keep in contact, but she thought that wasn't for the best since she'd feel like she was leading me on and didn't want me reading into things and thinking it meant something when she wasn't in a position to give it a try (and to be fair... She's probably right and that probably would've happened).

What I'm wondering is, if I do run into her, should I go for it again, and if so, is there anything I can do that would make her more likely to say yes this time?

[Lissou]

Just going to repost this since I don't think I ever got a reply.

Well, it hasn't been a year, so don't ask again. Even after a year... honestly, I would wait for her to make a move, she knows you're interested. But I guess after a year has passed (or a bit more. Don't wait a year to the day, that's creepy) if she seems interested and is sending the right signal, you could bring it up casually. If she then says no again, never ask again. And even asking that second time is probably a bad idea, honestly.

[Steward]

I agree with that. You already made your feelings known. If she does run into you again, and she doesn't do anything, I'm not sure it would be of any benefit to you to ask again.

[Kato]

Since the following advice comes from me which means it is most likely the worst thing to do I'l post it nonetheless so you know what not to do: Gof for it. I mean, if you meetagain, and you still have fun, you might at some point just say something like "my offer still stands, if you've changed your mind, btw" or anything in that direction. (Again, this is advice from me, so consider it, really, really, carefully.

[Coidzor]

A lot depends upon what kind of interpersonal chemistry is between you this time around, which you won't know until you've engaged the enemy as it were.

Though I'd recommend setting your sights more on "establish regular contact" rather than on "get a date," or "Con hook-up," so that anything beyond simply getting to the point where you can actually talk to her aside from meeting up at the Con is just gravy.

[Kato]

So, I kind of have an issue that's not related to my past problems (for once) and I'm not quite sure if it makes me a bad person or a really terrible person...

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So, I was at my best friend's birthday party recently and towards the end I started chatting with a friend of hers which I'd talked to only a few times before and we got to know each other a bit better. So we went from talking, to me giving her a backrub, to cuddling and then to semi-mild make-out until the end of the party. The problem is she has a friend/fiancee who I know abot as well as her and who happens to be pretty far away and the two haven't met in months, which basically mans she was/is quite desperate for "company". And while I promised myself not to go too far during the cuddling I just constantly went a bit farther, teasing her to see how she reacted. While we both did have fun - and as I also hadn't made out with a woman in over a year it also gave me a pretty good confidence boost so I don't consider myself entirely undesirable - I guess we both got a kind of bad conscience beause we really shouldn't have done it by any measure of proper moral... While we weren't exactly sober, I was not really drunk and I can't quite say how much about her behavior was alcohol, need for comfort, or whatever...
Anyway, I'm just not sure how much I should blame myself for what happened or if I should just take it as a more-or-lss unfortunate incident and learn the lesson of not cuddling with women in a relationship... or not giving women a backrub if there's the chance she might start to moan or enjoy herself too much...

[Knaight]

So, I kind of have an issue that's not related to my past problems (for once) and I'm not quite sure if it makes me a bad person or a really terrible person...

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Anyway, I'm just not sure how much I should blame myself for what happened or if I should just take it as a more-or-lss unfortunate incident and learn the lesson of not cuddling with women in a relationship... or not giving women a backrub if there's the chance she might start to moan or enjoy herself too much...

Spoiler: Stuff

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Not cuddling with people in a relationship with non-you is a general good idea, yes. There are potentially exceptions, but given your circumstances assume that they will never come up. As for not being sober being relevant here - to some extent it is. The easy fix here is to stay sober.

As for the moral aspect of the situation - while I would say you are at fault to some extent, you don't have the bulk of the responsibility. The bulk of the responsibility falls upon the people actually cheating on the people in their relationship, and you're more complicit in her wrongdoing than anything else. This is before getting into her flimsy excuses (two months alone? Really?).

I wouldn't qualify this as "really terrible person" material.

[Werewindlefr]

I really need help with something, playgrounders.

I've been in a relationship with a woman for 3 years, almost 2 of which were spent as husband and wife. My wife and I had some communication issues in fights sometimes, but overall, I felt like it was going well.

I'm a very monogamous person. I pass absolutely no moral judgement on how others live their sexuality, but I require strong emotional intimacy in my sexuality, and only wish to share that with one person. Just my way. It's also quite important for me to be able to relate to my partner on that level. So there.
My girlfriend, before tying the knot, assured me that she was strictly monogamous and that I should worry she'd want to have sex with someone else someday, that open relationship was not desired.

She's move to a town 4 hours away (by car) for work while I was finishing my Ph.D, and after 4 months of seeing each others mostly on week ends I moved back in with her. But as I did that, she basically had a breakdown and told me she couldn't be statisfied with just me. She wants an open marriage and thinks we might have to divorce if she doesn't get it.

Unfortunately, I don't think I can handle an open relationship. It's really against what relationships and sexuality mean to me and I do not have the strength of the self confidence to deal with the idea that my wife sleeps with other men. We are going to go to couples counseling, but she warned me it wouldn't change her mind on the fact that from now on it'll be an open marriage - what she wants to discuss at counseling, basically, are the rules and details of it, and how to make it palatable for me.

I'm somewhat upset at her because I feel betrayed - I feel that the committment, responsibilities and what we've built so far mean should be worth more than being able to sleep with other people, and I feel like I was asked to trust a promise that was ultimately broken with devastating effect.

I don't know what I should do. I still love her, but I feel like going on with this plan will really destroy me and send me into deep depression. Some people tell me to try and see how it goes, others tell me that open relationships that don't come from mutual agreement are doomed to fail catastrophically. At the same time, I'm really afraid of being alone if I leave her, and not being able to find another serious relationship, and I feel like part of the reason why I'd stay with her comes from that fear.

Do you have any advice to share, playground?

[TheSummoner]

Spoiler: Re-Kato. Keep the spoiler train coming

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It's definitely more on her than you. Don't get me wrong, what you did wasn't right if you were aware she was in a relationship, but she was the one in the relationship and the one with the responsibility that relationship entails. Unless you were intentionally trying to get things going further, I'd say it's an unfortunate mistake and an accident (on your part anyways. Again, she's the one with the responsibility in this scenario). Call it a learning experience and try to keep it from happening again.

As for her, in general, long distance relationships aren't the best idea. Without knowing more of her specific situation, there's not much I can add other than this being a demonstration of why.

A lot depends upon what kind of interpersonal chemistry is between you this time around, which you won't know until you've engaged the enemy as it were.

Though I'd recommend setting your sights more on "establish regular contact" rather than on "get a date," or "Con hook-up," so that anything beyond simply getting to the point where you can actually talk to her aside from meeting up at the Con is just gravy.

"Con hook-up" is the last thing I'd want. My goal is find a girl who has the potential for a relationship at some point and then get a date and see if that happens or not. My interest in this girl was largely because she didn't strike me as the type who parties or is interested in sex for the sake of sex. I know you weren't saying that was what I was after necessarily, I just felt like clarifying.

Anyways, against the better advice of some of you, I did end up going for it when I ran into her. The short version is I was rejected again. The long version is I approached her and started a conversation about what I've been up to since the last convention and showing off my costume (which I put a lot of work into and was really impressive. I got stopped a lot by people who wanted pictures.) and asking her about hers. She complimented my work on the costume and seemed interested enough... or maybe I was just imagining it because it's what I wanted it to be. Before she left I aksed her if anything had changed since the last time we had seen each other and she said it hadn't. She told me she wasn't really interested because there's a bit of an age difference (which is something she had said didn't bother her last time) and also that she wasn't even 100% sure she was interested in guys in general, which I didn't see coming, but might've just been a polite way to say no... Not that it matters. Rejection is rejection either way, the reason doesn't change anything. If nothing else, it's closure, though I think I preferred false hope, as sad as that is.

I think I'm more upset about another failure than anything to do with her specifically. It's not like there aren't other girls out there, it's more that things went nowhere with her and I also wasn't able to meet anyone else that interested me. It's back to having nothing to aim for and wasting more of my life sitting around lonely. I really thought I was finally going to be done with that.

[Knaight]

I don't know what I should do. I still love her, but I feel like going on with this plan will really destroy me and send me into deep depression. Some people tell me to try and see how it goes, others tell me that open relationships that don't come from mutual agreement are doomed to fail catastrophically. At the same time, I'm really afraid of being alone if I leave her, and not being able to find another serious relationship, and I feel like part of the reason why I'd stay with her comes from that fear.

This sounds like a deal breaker on your end, from how you've described it. You might need to cut things off - it sucks, but this really doesn't sound like something workable.

As for the importance of open relationships - I, personally have no interest in them. However what I've heard is that they are similar to the matter of being able to keep friendships. There's a somewhat regional, subculture specific standard that one will not have any friends of the opposite gender once they marry (how this is supposed to work with people who aren't straight is a mystery), where it's considered reasonable to ask people to dump the friendships. I'd consider this an unreasonable request, and it's definitely a non-negotiable deal breaker.

[Coidzor]

Do you have any advice to share, playground?

Counseling out the wazoo while also preparing for the nastiness of divorce proceedings in case it's irreconcilable.

If she won't go to counseling then you move on to counseling for yourself while going through divorce proceedings.

Though the bit where she's just trying to get the counseling to turn against you and force you to cave in sounds like it gives you your answer as to the second option anyway.

So, I kind of have an issue that's not related to my past problems (for once) and I'm not quite sure if it makes me a bad person or a really terrible person...

Spoiler

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So, I was at my best friend's birthday party recently and towards the end I started chatting with a friend of hers which I'd talked to only a few times before and we got to know each other a bit better. So we went from talking, to me giving her a backrub, to cuddling and then to semi-mild make-out until the end of the party. The problem is she has a friend/fiancee who I know abot as well as her and who happens to be pretty far away and the two haven't met in months, which basically mans she was/is quite desperate for "company". And while I promised myself not to go too far during the cuddling I just constantly went a bit farther, teasing her to see how she reacted. While we both did have fun - and as I also hadn't made out with a woman in over a year it also gave me a pretty good confidence boost so I don't consider myself entirely undesirable - I guess we both got a kind of bad conscience beause we really shouldn't have done it by any measure of proper moral... While we weren't exactly sober, I was not really drunk and I can't quite say how much about her behavior was alcohol, need for comfort, or whatever...
Anyway, I'm just not sure how much I should blame myself for what happened or if I should just take it as a more-or-lss unfortunate incident and learn the lesson of not cuddling with women in a relationship... or not giving women a backrub if there's the chance she might start to moan or enjoy herself too much...

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Yeah... Don't give someone in a relationship a footrub. Or a backrub. Good rules of thumb. Especially don't continually push the boundaries to see when they'll say no.

That can lead to bad times even with single women when it comes to the subject of consent. Especially with alcohol involved. Too dangerous for both parties to truck with.

Now you know that you can't trust yourself not to go on if you start down that path, especially if you've been drinking, so hopefully you have the self control to keep from starting down that path in the future.

So... you done goofed, but you probably *haven't* irrevocably slid to a different moral paradigm.

[Glass Mouse]

Do you have any advice to share, playground?

That's a clear-cut dealbreaker. I'm sorry, but it sounds like it's time to untie the knot on this one. You are clear about what you need. She's clear about what she needs. Those two things are obviously irreconcilable.

It would be something else if you were just feeling icky about the "open marriage" concept, or hadn't considered it before, or just felt pangs of jealousy (which I'm told even poly people sometimes have). Or if she was just feeling curious, or... basically, anything where you aren't both completely sure what you need.

I can understand feeling betrayed, and there definitely is backpedaling going on. If she actively lied to you in the beginning, by all means, be angry at her. That sh*t is NOT okay. But there's a chance that she lied to herself too - that she thought you might be the one she could finally be monogamous with, or that "the committment, responsibilities and what we've built so far mean should be worth more than being able to sleep with other people" (should is such a dangerous word). Monogamy is, after all, seen as the end-all-be-all of romantic relationships, and even open-minded mono people often have an air of "people can do what they want, even if they're WEIRD and NOT AS LOVING as I am/my spouse is", so it's easy to fall in the trap of thinking that one should be monogamous, even if they're not, because otherwise they have failed at relationships.

At least that's my impression from listening to non-monogamous people. Disclaimer: I have never done non-monogamy and probably will never feel a desire to, so I claim no real expertise.

Also, just to point out, the whole "commitment should trump sexual/monogamy preferences!" cuts both ways. If it was true, you could put away your discomfort as well. Just to say... Her desires aren't necessarily a reflection on her feelings for you, or her wish to make this marriage work. If she's otherwise a decent, non-drama person, it sounds like you're just two people stuck in a sucky situation.

But that's kind of a derail of the important part, which is: Go to more counseling if you want, maybe even try the open thing (or a don't-ask-don't-tell arrangement) if you want to say you've done all you could... but this marriage is bascially over. Sorry.

[Philemonite]

-snip-

Spoiler: Brutal honesty, you have been warned

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Here's how I understand it, correct me if I'm wrong:

She made a promise, and she does not intend to keep it.
She is demanding (not asking) that you do whatever she wants, without concern for your feelings.
She doesn't show any respect for you and no remorse for betrayal.

Does that really sound like a person you want to spend your life with?

I'm sorry, but I would run far, far away as I can.

[Kalmageddon]

That's a clear-cut dealbreaker. I'm sorry, but it sounds like it's time to untie the knot on this one. You are clear about what you need. She's clear about what she needs. Those two things are obviously irreconcilable.

I agree.
It's understandable that you would hesitate to get a divorce if you still love her, but I don't see a way out.
On a side note, I've had a lot of bad experiences when it comes to women that don't know what they want from a relationship and when I read of your experience I am reminded how awful it is.

So basically, don't be sad about it, it happens far more often then you think it would, at least from my experience.

[Glass Mouse]

Spoiler: Brutal honesty, you have been warned

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Here's how I understand it, correct me if I'm wrong:

She made a promise, and she does not intend to keep it.
She is demanding (not asking) that you do whatever she wants, without concern for your feelings.
She doesn't show any respect for you and no remorse for betrayal.

Does that really sound like a person you want to spend your life with?

I'm sorry, but I would run far, far away as I can.

Spoiler: Using this as a stepping stone to ramble about relationship principles

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That's a little unforgiving. Granted, we don't know all the details (far from it), but a "run far away" doesn't sound warranted to me.

She made a promise, and she does not intend to keep it.
Point, and no one should play fast and loose with promises. But sometimes stuff happens, and things that were promised in good faith are just not possible anymore. People grow, or get sick, or their circumstances change in any one way (e.g. job offers in unexpected places, or needy family, or...).
Now, if she actively lied in the hopes of getting Werewindelfr to commit too much to run, then she is a piece of garbage. No question there. But from the sound of things ("she basically had a breakdown"), she isn't feeling too good about the development herself.

She is demanding (not asking) that you do whatever she wants, without concern for your feelings.
Eh. Sounds like she's laying down one thing as non-negotiable, then trying to find out a way to make it okay/endurable (hence the counseling). That's hardly "whatever she wants, without concern". It's somewhat uncompromising, yes, but sometimes people have to assert a need or a boundary.
It's a problem if only one person gets to assert their needs all the time, but in any LTR, both people have made demands, big or small, of each other. An "I need you to put away your phone while we hang out" and an "I need to bang other people" vary only in scope.

She doesn't show any respect for you and no remorse for betrayal.
No evidence of this.

One thing I forgot to mention: I've been taking her words at face value, Werewindelfr, because you seem to do that, and you know her best, but there's a chance that her desire for openness is just a prelude to her leaving the relationship. Her (current) honesty and the counseling speak against that, but... just something to consider, before you attempt the big relationship CPR.

[Glass Mouse]

Sorry about the double post, but I suddenly have a roommate etiquette question.

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Backstory:
We are two people living together. The appartment is in her name, and I'm renting a room. We each have a room (mine is considerably bigger) and have a shared common room. I have now lived there for 4-ish months, and have yet to invite anyone over except a my-dad-is-coming-to-put-up-a-lamp type of vists. She regularly (~every 2nd week) has friend(s) over for a movie and just hanging out in the common room. She announces these vists as "my friend X is coming to hang out", and all is well. I rarely use the common room.

The complication:
My birthday is this weekend, and I would like to invite some friends for dinner before going out for drinks. Trying not to step on anyone's toes, I asked Roomie if this would interfere with any plans of hers. She answered that she needs Saturday to chill. Having friends over would be fine as long as we don't use the common room.
I could probably fit my friends into my room, but it's gonna be really cramped unless I drop the dinner part. She says her previous roommate just stayed in his room in these situations.

She doesn't think it's fair that she should be forced to leave the appartment for 4-5 hours Saturday night (her room is not big enough, I guess?). I think it's unfair that I can't use the common room for something as simple as a dinner. I could understand if she had friends over herself, but this just seems... well, if nothing else, it tells me that I'll only be able to use the common room for friends if Roomie is already going out, which she rarely does.

The question:
This is now a fairness question - mostly for future reference, since I'm already looking for alternative places to celebrate. Am I being demanding and unfair? Is she? Help! I've only ever lived with an SO, so I have no frame of reference here.

[Serpentine]

Is there any particular reason she can't just chill in her own room?

[FinnLassie]

Glass Mouse, it would be unreasonable if you said that she's not allowed to come to the communal areas, but as I understood it you're just asking if it's ok you people hang out there and have dinner?

Just explain your reasons, say it is not fair that although you don't use the common room often yourself, it doesn't say anywhere you can't use it. I also don't think you've left it too late to ask if it's ok to have people over.

How small can a room be if you can't stay in there for a couple of hours... Then again, I like to dwell in my own room when I need to chill out, I don't know if there's other ways of doing it.

[Aedilred]

Yeah, it sounds a bit unreasonable of her to me. My attitude towards having people over in a shared house tends to be that you really need a good reason to refuse - which usually means pre-arranged, irreconcilable plans, or something like a forthcoming exam or work-related phenomenon that requires a degree of peace and quiet. "I want to chill" doesn't really cut the mustard, especially when it's impinging on someone's birthday plans, and, like Serp says, there's no reason she can't "chill" in her own room. In many shared houses I've known, people have lived almost exclusively in their rooms, only using communal areas for food prep and social gatherings.

'Course, in some houses it's just accepted that nobody ever has people over, and while that's a bit sucky it's at least a clear, fair policy that affects everyone equally. And if you were having people round every night and driving her round the bend because she can't use her own living room then it would be reasonable for her to say every now and again "not tonight, thanks". But neither of those situations sounds like the case in your flat, and if she regularly has people over it's not fair of her to refuse to let you have your friends over for no good reason.

[Glass Mouse]

Is there any particular reason she can't just chill in her own room?

I guess her room is too small (9 m2) and TV-less?

[Serpentine]

Does she have a computer? Or maybe do you have a laptop you could lend her? Or could you lug the TV into there for the night? Or could she just join you for dinner?

[Aedilred]

I guess her room is too small (9 m2) and TV-less?

Then she needs to find other ways to entertain herself? </unsympathetic old git>

And in any case your room is also unsuitable for your plans, so really she's putting her desire to loaf around and watch TV above your desire to celebrate your birthday.

[Glass Mouse]

Glass Mouse, it would be unreasonable if you said that she's not allowed to come to the communal areas, but as I understood it you're just asking if it's ok you people hang out there and have dinner?

Just explain your reasons, say it is not fair that although you don't use the common room often yourself, it doesn't say anywhere you can't use it. I also don't think you've left it too late to ask if it's ok to have people over.

Yeah, that's all.

I already took the discussion with her, explained myself etc., but she didn't budge. That's why I wrote here, because when I started the talk, I was sure my request was reasonable, but then I got confused. I'm... not very good at asserting myself.

Does she have a computer? Or maybe do you have a laptop you could lend her? Or could you lug the TV into there for the night? Or could she just join you for dinner?

She has a laptop. I offered her my room (has a TV) for the duration. I considered inviting her, but "I need to chill" didn't sound like she'd welcome the idea, and right now I'm kinda pissed.


I don't think I'm going to convince her without turning this into a fight, which I really really don't want right before my two most taxing exams. So... I'm going hunting for somewhere else to be this Saturday.
But thanks for the answers, FinnLassie and Aedilred. It's good to know that my roommate etiquette isn't completely off. Now I just need to figure out how to renegotiate the relation (in my own head) until I can move somewhere better.

[FinnLassie]

Glass Mouse, ouch, your flatmate does sound a bit like a sour grape. Does she work or study? Maybe she's stressed out for some reason, and has planned that on this particular Saturday she wants to cool down? I'm always trying to see the both sides of the situation, but unless it's something serious, she should be able to adjust her plans a bit. And 9m2 isn't that small, or no, wait, it is kinda small/average for Nordic standards... I'm not sure anymore

Maybe just spend an hour or two with your friends in the flat, and then head out somewhere?

I have to say I'm kind of glad I'm moving to a place in the very near future that doesn't have a communal place at all, apart from the kitchen where you don't really want to hang out due to the limited space... But lo and behold, my room is the original living room, so it's huge.

[Aedilred]

In general I think it's usually better to invite people living in a house to events you're going to host there. Apart from anything else, it kind of undercuts the petty objection problem and allows you to present it as more "I'm doing this, if you want to join us" rather than "Is it ok if I..." If your relationship with other residents isn't sufficiently close that it would be appropriate for them to attend, they'll just decline anyway. If your relationship with other residents is so negative or uncomfortable that you think they might attend even though you don't want them to, it doesn't tend to arise in the first place, as you don't tend to host events in the house while there's a chance of their being in.

Of course here you've kind of lost that option since you've already asked her if you can have people over without explicitly inviting her, and it's a bit late to go back on that now. Although if it does later turn into a discussion/argument you could retcon that with a sneaky "well of course you'd be welcome to join us, I assumed that was obvious."

To be honest, it's not a situation I'm terribly good at dealing with, from either perspective. I had a former housemate who segued pretty much straight from berating us for having people over for dinner without informing or inviting him* into telling us he was having other people over that evening to stay the night in the living room, and didn't see any hypocrisy in that at all even when it was pointed out. There's not much you can do in that situation.

It's one of the reasons it's useful - although appallingly tedious and frustrating - to try to set up some sort of "house rules" when you move in with someone: what expectations are about shared spaces and so on. It's also one of the reasons I'm getting fed up of living communally, because no matter how reasonable your housemates there's almost always some sort of problem inherent to the situation to do with this sort of thing.

*He'd previously told us he'd be away at a wedding, and we hadn't been expecting him back until the following day, otherwise we would have.

[Coidzor]

Sorry about the double post, but I suddenly have a roommate etiquette question.

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The question:
This is now a fairness question - mostly for future reference, since I'm already looking for alternative places to celebrate. Am I being demanding and unfair? Is she? Help! I've only ever lived with an SO, so I have no frame of reference here.

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Nope, she's either a bitch and a half or there's some kind of break-down in basic communication here which does not bode well for continued living together.

[Grytorm]

Hmm. Would it be okay to post something that would be better in the Personal woes and Advice thread if it would have to be a double post? Don't worry I have something relevant to say this post. Although only partially because I feel like posting.

My biggest annoyance when it comes to romance is partially that I hold onto crushes a long time. Why this is annoying is that I still have a crush for a girl from high school that I have found very cute for four years. Arguably she is my best friend, we walked together at graduation and she helped me with a charity fundraiser. The reason this is annoying is that she has been dating someone for around three years. I am still attracted to her. but it annoys me because I know nothing will ever happen (which is kind of how I view my life). It isn't really that I know nothing will happen. That doesn't really dissatisfy me as much as that I have a hard time talking to her in the rare times I see her. It saddens me.

I realized that I still have a strong crush on her because a few days ago I saw a series of drawings she made showing herself and her boyfriend on facebook. I felt very jealous. I just wish I had a life I enjoyed more.

[Aedilred]

My biggest annoyance when it comes to romance is partially that I hold onto crushes a long time. Why this is annoying is that I still have a crush for a girl from high school that I have found very cute for four years. Arguably she is my best friend, we walked together at graduation and she helped me with a charity fundraiser. The reason this is annoying is that she has been dating someone for around three years. I am still attracted to her. but it annoys me because I know nothing will ever happen (which is kind of how I view my life). It isn't really that I know nothing will happen. That doesn't really dissatisfy me as much as that I have a hard time talking to her in the rare times I see her. It saddens me.

Having a friend you have a thing for can be frustrating, especially when you know nothing's ever going to happen. If it's causing you serious problems it's often better to distance yourself until you can get over it at least a bit. What worries me more is that you consider her your best friend and yet you barely see her and struggle to talk to her when you do.

[Lissou]

I guess her room is too small (9 m2) and TV-less?

That's how big my whole place was (including bathroom and kitchen) for years. It's not too small to spend a couple of hours.

My guess is that she's kind of anti-social. I see you're looking into making other plans, but be assured your etiquette isn't off, unless you somehow made her feel like she wouldn't be allowed in the common room at all. Can she chill on Sunday instead?
It's also possible that you warned her too late. I know that I tend to make plans several weeks ahead and can get very... anxious over any changes, even if they would have been totally fine in the first place. She might be stressing out about the idea of strangers in her place during a time she had already planned out as alone time.

Either way, doing it somewhere else or staying in your room might work best. Did she say it would be impossible for it to be mainly in your room, but dinner allowed in the common room or something, just for half and hour to an hour? Or just allowing the guests to go there so they can grab a drink or something?

Honestly, if she's antisocial enough that a couple of hours are too much to ask for, she's probably not really suited to have a roommate.

[Aedilred]

My guess is that she's kind of anti-social.

That would have been my first assumption, but given that the roommate frequently has people of her own over to visit, it looks less like that and more generally unreasonable and selfish. IMO.

In general it is best to give people as much notice as possible, of course (within reason). But even when notice is arguably insufficient, it's still not really the done thing to say "no" without good reason.