Crusader Kings II Succession Game 2: Electric Boogaloo

[Guancyto]

Chapter 4

We begin with Duke Gartzia II of Gascogne. At first glance, he is not a particularly able man, a lover of books and numbers, better suited to the administration of a guild or a caravan than a shatterer of armies and a leader of men. He has two traits which will get him into trouble, however: a brave heart, and a bad temper. At present, no one respects him; he has a reputation for kowtowing to his father and dallying with a lot of common girls with too much learning for their own good. (You'd kowtow to him too were he your father, the old man slaughtered his infant great-grandson for learning to speak too slowly.) He wants to have a son.

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Gartzia II is already blessed (or cursed) with five daughters, the eldest of which is his heir by the (insane) laws passed by his father. Still it is not all bad, she has a most pleasing rotundity and a double chin so wide that her line of suitors stretched full and far, but in the end the one chosen as her husband was a smart man who was also healthily fond of his breakfast.

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Our personal demon for this period will be King Carloman Karling of Aquitaine, a man who never saw a war he didn't want to jump into screaming and hollering after due deliberation. Last time he stole without cause the lands of Duke Antso, who he hated nearly as much as he hates Gartzia. He'll get his, someday anyway.

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The death of his father Louis the Stammerer and the birth of another son to his grandfather Charles the Bald forestalls any notion of uniting the lands of Aquitaine and West Francia (and the lords of Aquitaine are stubbornly against having Charles rule them, as though a half-kingdom on the border of the enemies of all Christendom were a desireable position), so we regrettably turn our attention elsewhere.

Our immediate course of action is to fill out our council. Although the old Spymaster is a man no one knows exists, much less intends to replace, the rest of the council is rather empty. A steward and chaplain are easy to find. For the art of statecraft and diplomacy, a somewhat wider net is cast, finally contracting a Scottish gentleman previously traveling with a group of 'mac Phails,' whoever those people are. The spot of Marshal lies open, so we arrange a marriage of one of our courtiers to a legendary Frankish general. Imagine the look on his face when, exhibiting the typical attitude of the Basque women, he found she had his belongings shipped to Gascogne instead of the other way around!

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Some small wars pass. The King allows the Jews back into the realm, so naturally we take the opportunity to borrow money from them before they are again expelled. An opportunity to get even more money arises; a bishop had aided Antso in some assassination or another, so we have Gartzia banish him. No child murder in this kingdom, thank you very much! The confiscation of his properties is but a happy accident.

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Of course, the Pope doesn't seem to much care for this line of thinking, and so Gartzia is 'encouraged' to visit a holy site to renew his understanding of his place in the world. The idea of 'vengeance for his dead grandson' being against God's laws does nothing to improve Gartzia's opinion of the Lord, and at Jerusalem itself, he finds nothing but dust and fools.

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A sixth daughter is born, unexceptional in every way, the likes of which will drive Gartzia to drink (although not on the level of his father). He considers naming the new drink after his new daughter, and then decides it will never catch on.

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King Carloman Karling, upon hearing of yet another ridiculously independent Basque woman born to his vassal, decides to see what all the fuss is about and proposes that one of them learn under his Marshal. Gartzia, overflowing with daughters, says yes in exchange for another drink.

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King Carloman decides to involve himself in yet another war, this time among the Spanish kingdoms, and since Gartzia has obviously learned all about warfare in Jerusalem and his ten-minute drunken chat with the King's Marshal, he feels no compunctions whatsoever about demanding that a clerk lead his armies. It goes... better than expected. Gartzia clearly has a flair for logistics.

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During the war, our resident Scotsman arrives with good news, that he has bribed enough nobles fed up with the constant revolts in Navarra that they would be willing to accept Aquitaine's rule, or more specifically Gartzia's. The resulting war over the claim, bolstered with Scottish mercenaries specifically picked for the occasion, is almost disappointingly short.

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In a positively unprecedented move, we assign it to Aldontza. A woman, administrating a county? Well, she can't possibly be worse at it than the eternally gorged King of Navarre.

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King Carloman thinks little of this move; clearly Gartzia is getting too many strange ideas in his head, and proposes a tutor for another of his granddaughter who was dictating poetry before she was old enough to use a pen. However, this time he has proposed a rival Duke as a tutor, and one of the few actually loyal to him in the kingdom. Clearly he is threatened by our power and is attempting to procure a hostage, so we tell him to take a hike.

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Then the second-worst thing to happen in Gartzia's reign happens. His wife is plotting to assassinate his grandson! Decades of dead wives and children come back to his mind in a flash, as though the dreaded Antso never departed this world. In a fit of rage, he orders her banished. The seizure of her assets is, of course, a happy coincidence.

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The tutelage of Kisilo, Gartzia's granddaughter, is going quite well. Something about the youthful exuberance for the faith breaks his cynical exterior and he is, perhaps, ever so slightly ready to accept Jesus into his heart. In another stroke of good fortune, yet another of Carloman's wars bears fruit, in fighting the dreaded Vikings, something comes together and he realizes that while it is bravery that wins battles, it is logistics that wins wars. His skill at administration has guided him this far, and it will take him further yet. Things are looking up!

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His joy is not to last, of course. His new grandson has a distinct dullness about him (the doctors will admit nothing about accidentally dropping him on his head), and the King's Marshal has made a completely useless warrior out of his daughter thanks to a combination of neglect and inability to teach. He is angry, but the final spilling of his wrath comes when his second daughter brings him news.

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The Sultan of Andalusia, Scourge of Christendom, is trying to take land that is rightfully his! That it currently belongs to his neighbor and enemy the King of Navarre is irrelevant; it is his by right!

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Sending a call to all the mercenaries he can find and all the men he can muster, he rides out TO WAR!

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(The final picture isn't exactly clear since I didn't manage to screenshot the actual war declaration, but yes, we have declared a Holy War for Aragon on Andalusia)

[Grif]

I'm thinking that grandson of ours will have an exceedingly short life.

[OrcusMcP]

Now that is some testicular fortitude. Well done, Gartzia, I forgive you for having deadly babies.

[Narkis]

I'm thinking that grandson of ours will have an exceedingly short life.

I half-expect him live for 80 years and become the first emperor of Frankia.

[IthilanorStPete]

Awesome post, Guancyto. This Holy War should give us some interesting prospects, and maybe it'll finally lift Gartzia's prestige out of the negatives.

[Flickerdart]

Considering that Andalusia is a beast, what's more likely to happen is that we lose all of our money and Gartzia dies in an oubliette somewhere.

[Cristo Meyers]

A sixth daughter is born, unexceptional in every way, the likes of which will drive Gartzia to drink (although not on the level of his father). He considers naming the new drink after his new daughter, and then decides it will never catch on.

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Half-expected to see the name 'Brandi/y'. Armagnac is famous for it.

Nothing like a good Holy War to shake things up. Here's hoping our erstwhile 'allies' in the fight actually hold their own for once...

[Hydranova]

Yes, yes, go! This plan is probably utterly mad, but I can dig it.

[Guancyto]

Chapter 5

The immediate reaction to Duke Gartzia II's declaration of unilateral war upon the third most powerful military force in the world is, perhaps, the most obvious conclusion. His daughter decides he's gone mad, and starts to make arrangements to kill him so she and absolutely everyone she loves don't all die in an oubliette somewhere. The old faithful spymaster arranges for him to be tipped off about the plot, and he's able to convince her that he has a secret plan to win the war. (Afterward, he tells his Marshal to concoct a secret plan to win the war.)

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After this he charges into battle. The forces of Sultan Khairedden are immense, but they require time to be mustered and unified, time which he spends rampaging up and down the countryside thanks to the intelligence of scouts he can't quite remember commissioning. Oh well, no time for questions, time to kill Muslims!

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News comes from home that he has a grandson of seemingly nimble intelligence (his nursemaid explains that he drools very smartly). More importantly, he is the son of one of the Galician king's bastards, and so long as said king remains on the throne, he will inherit the claims.

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(Said king does not remain on the throne. You'll have to press them if you want Diego to pick them up.)

Of course, that son is soon followed up by a daughter whose burbles are in iambic pentameter, but another de Vasconia woman that makes everyone else look like an idiot is, at this point, not even exceptional.

Gartzia is perhaps so distracted by the news that finally a son of the line has some measure of promise that he forgets about the nearly five thousand Muslims bearing down on his army. Oh well, we can take them. Charge!

It goes... poorly, and both Gartzia's troops and the loyal Scottish mercenaries are either routed, deserted or dead. Shouldn't have trusted a mercenary captain who suggested going to the pub instead of fussing about with giant hordes of Muslims.

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Andalusia's own offensive makes no better progress, however, as the new King of Brittany - fresh from liberating it from the strangely popular and well-storied norseman Hasteinn - brings six thousand of his finest men to defend Navarre from the infidel. The Bretons are substantially more successful at their work.

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Hearing of their fellows fighting so long and ferociously against the infidel and the weakness of the Sultan, Catholics across northern Iberia start to take up arms against their oppressors. If such a sorry lot as the people of Gascogne, who were so weak-willed that their women started taking over, can stand and fight against the infidel? Truly no one who calls himself righteous has an excuse not to take up arms!

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Gartzia musters a new force, this time bolstered with mercenary Bretons who had no desire to cease fighting when the Sultan called off his war for Navarra and focused on defending his realm from the sudden outpouring of uprisings and challenges. The Sultan fights long and hard against the rebels, finally defeating them only to find an army of Basque and Breton - his two most hated foes! - staring him down. The numbers are even. He orders the assault heedless of the skill of the enemy generals. Gartzia smiles, and so do the Bretons. His enemies are cut to pieces and riddled with arrows as their horses try to cross the river, and once again as they try to retreat. The Sultan's forces are entirely shattered.

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He asks one of his knights afterward if this would finally see him in the pages of history. The knight's reply of, "eh, what you really need to do is go hunting and marry a lot of Karlings," earns him a truly resplendent black eye.

Although the Sultan escapes, the rout results in the capture of many Andalusian lords, whose ransom bolsters Gartzia's war machine enough to not see his mercenaries revolt against him, at least. Spirits buoyed by the victory and the sudden influx of gold, a mad (madder?) plan is hatched between Gartzia and the Breton commanders. They will take Qurtubah, the enemy's capital.

It is fortunate that they choose this moment to go on the offensive; a series of anonymous missives delivered to the generals' tents tells of another mercenary force arriving and mustering. His own troops failing him, Sultan Khairedden has hired the Irish to do his killing for him. They are caught completely by surprise in their camps - how could they possibly anticipate being assaulted in the heart of Andalusian territory when no one even knew they were coming? The survivors return to Ireland with tales of mad ghosts instead of men.

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(This was actually blind luck on my part. I just wanted to siege something that wasn't swimming in garrisons, and ran into a mercenary band! Good thing too, they'd have been real trouble if we hadn't hit them at 0% morale)

Stymied at every turn, bereft of funds and troops and facing an enemy knocking on his very gates, an enemy that he had once thought completely destroyed, Sultan Khairedden offers Gartzia terms to hand over the Duchy of Aragon. The terms are more than generous to a man like Khairedden; he insists on retaining Calatayud, not taken or occupied by Gartzia but by the rabble that dared to rise against him. In a moment to later be memorialized for the ages, Gartzia exhibits his legendary skill at diplomacy, tearing up the terms and spitting on them.

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(The surrender came as a surprise! That means he's really hurting. We can do better!
For the record, that's three events that have really gone our way in this war. Liberator of Brittany defends Navarre and brings his event troops, HUGE Catholic uprising in Andalusia, and accidentally running over the Irish Band before it can muster. Let's see if our luck holds!)

[Grif]

Something tells me you'll regret not taking that surrender.

[Cristo Meyers]

Something tells me you'll regret not taking that surrender.

Nah, let's fight like Turians, I say! Crush them until they can't even lift a finger against us ever again!

[ObadiahtheSlim]

But the sooner you accept the surrender, the sooner you can go to war with them again.

[OrcusMcP]

Sadly, though, CK2 is not like EU4 or Vic2 where you can expand the gains from a war if things are going well, what you declare at the start is all you can get.

Unless you just want to occupy them and drain their reserves just because you can. Which I heartily encourage, because it'd be awesome.

[Hydranova]

Yup; the only land you can gain is what was stated. But you can try and occupy everything to keep his forces down for a while.

[Cristo Meyers]

What about Prestige and Piety gains? Is it possible to increase those? 'Cause I can honestly see prolonging a war for a chance at increasing those (and looting gold...but hey...).

Plus there's the chance that the Pope will notice we're fighting infidels and say "here, have some money." I bankrolled the Spanish economy just on those grants for a time.

[OrcusMcP]

What about Prestige and Piety gains? Is it possible to increase those? 'Cause I can honestly see prolonging a war for a chance at increasing those (and looting gold...but hey...).

Plus there's the chance that the Pope will notice we're fighting infidels and say "here, have some money." I bankrolled the Spanish economy just on those grants for a time.

You'll get increased prestige and piety from battles themselves, but not from the final terms. While you'll gain gold from occupation, it's unlikely to keep up with your troop upkeep. That said, though, if you capture valuable hostages then you can get a pretty good payday from those.

And yes, sometimes the Pope will give you money. (Though bribing a bishop into the curia and then having him be Pope means you can ask for stupidly large amounts of money for a time)

[Guancyto]

Although in CK2 you can only gain what you declared for, a third of the stuff we declared for is occupied by rebels at the moment, so we won't gain it if we accept the surrender now. If we siege that down and then peace out, we'll get it too.

Clearly this is worth the likelihood of getting utterly crushed!

[OrcusMcP]

Although in CK2 you can only gain what you declared for, a third of the stuff we declared for is occupied by rebels at the moment, so we won't gain it if we accept the surrender now. If we siege that down and then peace out, we'll get it too.

Clearly this is worth the likelihood of getting utterly crushed!

Ah yes, I forgot that part, you are right!

[Guancyto]

Chapter 6

News comes from home of yet another war of King Carloman's, but this time, oh, this time it is a healing balm to a man with burns. The province of Bordeux, tyrannically stolen from Duke Antso, is in turn being stolen from Carloman by his cousin. His forces stand no chance whatsoever against the enormous coalition lifted against him. With his vassal lords all pursuing their own vendettas, his rage is as impotent as his loins.

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Further word ccomes to the forces at Qurtubah that the King of Navarre has lifted himself from his cups long enough to declare that he is just as much man as anybody, and that no one will keep him from liberating Aragon from the infidel. The fact that it is entirely occupied - and at this point, practically run - by fellow Catholics is met with a red-eyed, bleary stare and the throwing of a bottle.

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It was a substantial hindrance to Gartzia's plans, however, as the Navarrese forces just might decide to fight them and let the Andalusians retake everything, so his forces swiftly begin the march back to Aragon. The countryside of Cordoba in ruins, other lords make declarations that Sultan Khairedden has lost his nerve and his right to rule, first attempting to capitulate to the invaders and then being spurned like a common whore. Tales circulate that instead of fighting the enemy, he instead spent all his time cleaning off entire feast tables. Fearing for their own tables, many take up arms against him.

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As the last bastions of Aragon fall, Khairedden has finally had enough, and raises enough mercenaries to crush the Navarrese drunkards, the Basque women, the rebelling lords who keep calling him fat, and the Catholic rabble all! His forces mercilessly fall upon the armies of Navarre and wipe them out, but before he can reach the forces of Gascogne, they are mysteriously warned of his new advance and fall back.

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As he charges through his former lands, he receives a letter in his tent. It reads, simply, "you can chase the Bretons until you go bankrupt and your mercenaries turn on you, or you can deal with the threats do your throne. We were told you were a smart man, Khairy." His infuriated roar might even be heard in Norway, as he dispatches a messenger to Gascogne with terms to fully surrender the duchy and turns his forces southward. Gartzia brings his troops back to his new lands in a glorious parade! And fading away in his bed, Antso's old spymaster smiles.

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Gartzia grows old and turns to the administration of his new land. Drafting a new set of laws, he stipulates that all of his domain and the dukedom besides not be distributed among his children, but given to the eldest of the de Vasconia line. His eldest daughter has earned the right to all of his ancestral lands, and his other daughters are granted employment in the administration of the new territories.

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Finally, his armies march into the last remaining province of the once-Emirate of Aragon. The Navarrese King's forces have all been slaughtered by the Andalusians and the nobility is tired of his drunken antics. The army meets with barely any resistance, and with only a trivial fight, the Duchy of Aragon belongs entirely to Gartzia.

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As though some heavenly force has decided Gartzia needed to die happier, more news comes. Grand Duke Bernard Gellones, Duke of Toulouse and Barcelona and the most powerful man in the kingdom, has finally tired of King Carloman's own-goaling foolishness, sloth and waste, and declares an open revolt to reduce him in law to the ineffective puppet he is in fact. Gartzia's own forces are either administering to Aragon or squires or dead, so he shrugs his shoulders and asks Carloman what, exactly, he would be expected to do about it.

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"Bloody well lead my armies is what" seems to be the reply, as well as keeping that quality for winning against impossible odds. Grand Duke Bernard's forces outnumber the King's by a mere 2-to-1. Unfortunately, Gartzia's luck seems to have finally run out (funny, that), and while still suffering a great illness that swept through the warcamp, he is gravely wounded in the arm by an enemy pike. It quickly turns gangrenous, and in the medical tents it is determined that it must be amputated.

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Carloman, outside the tent, sees nothing wrong with this arrangement, and asks Gartzia when he'll be ready to go back into battle. Gartzia, for a brief span of time, considers what happens next to be his greatest achievement. History, however, is conspicuously lacking the story of Duke Gartzia II de Vasconia attempting to beat his king to death with his own severed arm.

News of his death travels quickly, and his eldest daughter Khisilo begins preparing herself for the coronation. Imagine her surprise when Duchess Endulcia of Portucale, her third cousin and childless besides, arrives with all her belongings, a large retinue of soldiers and the necessary documents to prove that it is she who is eldest of the line, by a period of one year.

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Clearly that won't be a problem for anyone.
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Well, that was a trip! Our current succession method is Absolute Cognatic Seniority. We have all of the Duchy of Aragon except for one mosque that that idiot king of Navarre sieged before we could get to it (and then there were seven thousand muslims in the way). Crown Authority is Medium soon to be Low because the Grand Duke of Toulouse/Barcelona basically owns the half of the kingdom that's not ours, and we have no reason to want the king to win this civil war.

We don't actually have a Retinue, but the war (and mil org 2) gave us enough cap to buy one, now. I suggest we do so. We have a truly absurd number of genius daughters thanks to Antso's eugenics program, and a single Quick son of our line whose dad is going to inherit weak claims on a couple of kingdoms in Spain. Some of our kids are going to inherit weak claims to some of the other kingdoms as well.

Andalusia has been kicking around the various minors in North Africa, so they're still quite dangerous once they get their act together. Uniting the Karling realms in a single generation is now a pipe dream, but the dynasty has kept all their belongings. Carloman has one county and a kingdom full of people who alternately hate him, are secretly trying to kill him or are openly trying to kill him. This couldn't have happed to a nicer guy. Sadly, his son is still the elective heir.

Orcus has the save in his dropbox, I believe

[Sallera]

Brilliant writing as usual, Guancyto. Pretty much laughed my way through the whole thing.

Round 3: (1d100)[99]

And now we might all be screwed.

[Grif]

Third round!



(1d100)[88]

Won't be matching that 99, I think.

But yes, great start so far.

[Narkis]

Loved your writing Guancyto. My parents found it hard to understand why I was laughing so much.

I doubt it. :)

(1d100)[81]

Someone call the mods, the die roller is broken. All these high numbers...

[OrcusMcP]

Here is the Link, file is Succession_Deux.

I'll skip rolling of this round, well done, sir!

[Hydranova]

Amazing writing! Now, do we have enough territory to usurp...Navarre was it? Or was it Aragon.

[ObadiahtheSlim]

Let's do it!
(1d100)[36]

No i guess not.

[OrcusMcP]

Amazing writing! Now, do we have enough territory to usurp...Navarre was it? Or was it Aragon.

We will have to move west into Northern Spain a bit to get Navarre, but we'd also have to become independent first. Aragon would be trickier, considering that other Great Duke controls all of Barcelona.

[Cristo Meyers]

Ah, the sweet smell of victory...

...and the hilarious mental image of an aged duke trying to beat his king to death with his own arm ...

...but mostly the smell of victory

A 99 again?

1d100 (66)

So close...

[Hiro Protagonest]

(1d100)[10]

Bah, it's just zero away from one hundred.

[Yaktan]

I foresee lots of amusing stuff ahead with the absolute cognatic seniority succession. Lots of scheming old women ahead, especially with all the genius daughters...

[Farix]

(1d100)[38] Still nope

Good to know my rolling skills haven't improved since playing WoW.