Relationship Woes and Advice XXVI. Status: It's Complicated

[lio45]

Well, after six months together, my girlfriend broke up with me last night. There wasn't a big fight or anything, and hopefully we can stay friends, but still. I'll probably be posting here looking for advice again when there's something other than a sucking black hole in my chest.

[/whine]

If you want to see the glass half-full, I'm pretty sure you can realize you learned a few things that will make you a better person and/or identified a couple mistakes you made that you won't make again.

The last stage of a failing relationship usually has more downsides than upsides, so from that not-that-desirable point, the transition to being single (no one to fight with, no one to tell you they don't approve of XYZ, etc.) can be a refreshing and welcome change. Unless you thought it was going really well and didn't see it coming at all...

Spend time with your friends, do fun things, indulge in your hobbies whatever they are, it's the best way (in my own experience) to get your mind off her.

[Winter_Wolf]

Been my experience that trying to stay friends after an ended relationship is extremely draining on the dumpee. Unless it was in fact a 100% mutual breakup, one party is going to be suffering on some level and probably harboring hope for a reconciliation. As long as it's you suffering and feeling drained and you're willing to deal with it, have at it. If you're not the one dealing with it, make damn sure the other party isn't either. Otherwise it's just being a selfish ass.

unrelated and kind of late to comment on it, but I've been on actual dates with people I had no intention of having sexy Funtime with. But I'm given to understand that there are at least two cases in my past where I was just being really dense about the girl's intentions. True one of those I regret in hindsight, but the other was like a little sister to me so that was just never gonna happen. Then again I'm not of the school of thought that "date night" has to be about anything more than just sharing each other's company and enjoying closeness.

now a question, what are people's thoughts on soul mates that are not romantic partners? Leaving aside the fact that there seem to be an unusually large number of people who "just happen" to be geographically convenient to each other when they toss around that term. I mean really how often have you heard the story of the person who had to go literally halfway across the planet to find their soulmate? In my circles, I know of exactly one, and it wasn't me that did it. I am however one of the more widely traveled of the people that I know.

[Aedilred]

now a question, what are people's thoughts on soul mates that are not romantic partners? Leaving aside the fact that there seem to be an unusually large number of people who "just happen" to be geographically convenient to each other when they toss around that term. I mean really how often have you heard the story of the person who had to go literally halfway across the planet to find their soulmate? In my circles, I know of exactly one, and it wasn't me that did it. I am however one of the more widely traveled of the people that I know.

I can't really comment on the first point, but in terms of geographic proximity I don't know if this is down to a difference in expected use of the term "soul mate". I don't think it necessarily implies that that person is the only one in the entire world with whom they could form a satisfactory relationship, just that that person is sufficiently well-suited that they might as well be.

Moreover I don't think it's as unlikely as you might think. Applying some not-very sophisticated maths to the procedure, assuming you're in the age range 18-30 and looking for someone in the same range, and are not bisexual, that leaves you with around 10% of the population of the world to choose from. Even if you are by normal standards rather fussy and only 1% of said people meet your personal criteria, that's still over 7 million people worldwide. The chances are at least some of them live not that far away. And when you factor in that shared cultural upbringings makes it more likely rather than less that people nearby will be relationship-compatible relative to those further away and that being in close-ish proximity to a potential partner makes it immeasurably easier to meet, court and form meaningful relationships with them, it's not surprising that people end up with people who live close by. While it might superficially appear that the chances of your ideal mate living near you are slim, when you look at it from another perspective it's not really the case.

[Coidzor]

unrelated and kind of late to comment on it, but I've been on actual dates with people I had no intention of having sexy Funtime with. But I'm given to understand that there are at least two cases in my past where I was just being really dense about the girl's intentions. True one of those I regret in hindsight, but the other was like a little sister to me so that was just never gonna happen. Then again I'm not of the school of thought that "date night" has to be about anything more than just sharing each other's company and enjoying closeness.

And you went on a date with her in the first place? That's a bit of a silly thing to do.

now a question, what are people's thoughts on soul mates that are not romantic partners? Leaving aside the fact that there seem to be an unusually large number of people who "just happen" to be geographically convenient to each other when they toss around that term. I mean really how often have you heard the story of the person who had to go literally halfway across the planet to find their soulmate? In my circles, I know of exactly one, and it wasn't me that did it. I am however one of the more widely traveled of the people that I know.

I don't believe in romantic soul mates, let alone platonic soul mates.

[Winter_Wolf]

And you went on a date with her in the first place? That's a bit of a silly thing to do.

I may have a broader definition of "date" than some. I was also not completely sure about that feeling until we were already out. Anyway is it only a date because of the mindset, if you're still doing the same kinds of things that people on traditional dates do? Dinner and a movie? I'll do that with most people I'm on good terms with, provided the movie isn't a stinker. And yes, I've said that to people I wanted to know in a romantic way, and still got the date. Surprisingly.

I don't believe in romantic soul mates, let alone platonic soul mates.

Fair enough. The way most people talk about it, it does have a mythical quality to it. Then again I'm also of the mind that most people end up settling for Mr./Ms. Right Here, Right Now. Not knocking it, but damned if I don't know a whole lot of people who maybe should have kept looking—by their own admission.

[dehro]

You know what they say about hindsight...
Also, the notion of a soulmate rarely takes into consideration the practical aspects of life together. Does she snore? Does he leave the toilet seat up? Does he fart a lot? Is she incapable of throwing anything away? Does he prefer adventurous holidays whereas she wants everything organised and planned in advance? Does he constantly chew bubble gum with his mouth open? Is his twin brother a jerk? Is her mother a creature from hell who dislikes her son in law? Is their house in need of repairs they can't afford? Is either one's career stuck in a rut or particularly frustrating? Do either one's expectations on the other individual not match their actual character, inclinations and ambitions?

Even the best of pairings, over time become a "make do/reach compromises/adjust your expectations" situation and some points of contention may grate and accumulate enough to undermine the solidity of any relationship if enough stress factors and negative events occur, no matter how big it was written in the stars that the two lovebirds are meant for one another... So, yeah, you'll hear a lot of "I should have waited, kept looking, given that other guy a chance" because that sort of talk is cheap, because some people have unrealistic expectations of adult life even when they are already adults, and because some people actually do confuse love with good companionship and make poor decisions committing their lives to the first person they fall deeply in love with, whether these individuals make for good partners or not.. Often because they make those calls when they're too young to know there is a difference.

[noparlpf]

Can I PM somebody about my question from last week?

[Kalmageddon]

As a follow up to my previous post:

Damn it, I never realized how utterly boring and uninteresting most potential partners are.
You probably know what I'm talking about: the kind of girls that laughs at any joke just because it's expected that they are always cheerful but don't understand humor, the kind of girls that seriously complain for having to dress in pratical clothes for a hiking trip, the kind of girls that relish in the stereoype of being stupid and vapid and not being good at sciency stuff, the kind of girls that firmly believe that some things are "boys stuff" and they shouldn't even be curious about it.
And of course the kind of intellectually dishonest girls that go behind everyone's back to have an affair with some dude, possibily married, possibily crashing friendships and relationships left and right, but at the same time would never even consider a friendship with benefits or just experimenting with this or that because that's what sluts do and they are totally not sluts, because sluts are immoral and nobody likes them.
The scary part is that where I live, all of them have one or more of these traits, at least the ones I know and see regularly. Or they still fit some stereotype somewhere that they cherish and embrace without even bothering to look outside their small and narrow subculture.
And I've found out that I simply can't bring myself to accept these people.

I'm simply spent, tired, hopeless and frustrated. Frustrated because I want to meet someone, I want to believe there is someone like me, somewhere, looking for me just as I am looking for her. Yeah, it's a stupid clichè, but it accurately reflects my thoughts at the moment.
It's not even that I feel lonley or incomplete, I just want to meet this partner, I want happiness in that form.

I suppose this person isn't reading this thread right now, is she? No? Well, it was worth a shot.

[dehro]

I have to ask a rather stupid question...
why waste time on those women? surely they're rather easy to identify?

[Kalmageddon]

I have to ask a rather stupid question...
why waste time on those women? surely they're rather easy to identify?

I'm not wasting time with them, I said the opposite, that I can't bring myself do to anything about them. They are part of the group of friends with which I hang out, so I see them anyway. But still, all the women I had the chance to meet in real life (as opposed to forums and other social media) are like this.
Quite frankly, I don't think it's bad luck. I think it's a statistically normal occurence, what with people in general being rather uninteresting and shallow, it's normal that the female demographic is no exception.

What I do think is that, unfortunately, I have an exceptionally low tolerance threshold when it comes to certain behaviours. Never been an ultra-social guy, so I don't have the "you must have fun, at all costs" mentality that is so common in the average person. That's the kind of mentality that makes you put up with bad music, uninteresting conversations and overpriced drinks just to hang out in a club and have "fun". And if you can't have fun or appreciate that kind of company, you are some weird guy that can't appreciate simple things, that can't turn his brain off or whatever.
I think I'm probably getting fed up with "normal" in general.

[Chen]

Going to bars or clubs to try and find people, when those types of activities don't interest you, is not going to work well. Those places are generally filled with people who DO like to be there. Sure sometimes you'll find the reluctant ones who went to be part of a group and who might share different interests, but its usually FAR more effective to just go someplace where people are expressing said interests instead. If you're interested in making model airplanes or in LARPing, odds are you should look to your model airplane conventions or LARP groups to meet people with similar interests. School clubs are generally a good way of doing this. Outside of school, finding those groupings of people can be more difficult, but things like online dating or the like have started making it easier.

[dehro]

yeah.. I outgrew the "pub/club" scene pretty quickly once I made up my mind that it wasn't working for me in terms of female interaction.
either try the internet and filter out people who are too different from you for it to work, or find stuff you do like to do or that interests you that is social and presents chances of interaction IRL, and sooner or later you'll bump into a woman with similar interests. it may mean give your regular friends the slip now and then... but it might bring around new ones who are more in line with your views of the world anyway.

[Kalmageddon]

Outside of school, finding those groupings of people can be more difficult, but things like online dating or the like have started making it easier.

Online is something I'm trying to avoid, mostly because I don't want a long distance relationship. In the "geek" scene, I already know most people around my area and, ironically, they are the kind of people that like to hang out in a club or whatever. They like ttrpgs or talbetop games in general as a recreational activity but they still think that "real" social life has to be conducted in a club where the music is so loud you can't hear yourself think (and maybe that's the point). Why playing with your friends around a table is not considered a "real" social activity I don't know. Or rather, I do.
It's nerdy stuff and normal people hang out and make a show of themselves at the club or in other outdoor activities. Incidentally, once in a while I do like hanging out at the club or doing outdoor stuff, it's just that I'd like to that kind of things with people that I can also talk about interesting things with.

See, as a broad statement, I like sex. If a woman would like to share that activity with me, that's fine. I'm usually down with that. Right now? Right now I'd say that either she jumps me (as in, really wants me and does all the "courting" herself) or I won't bother getting to the point where I would propose or set up a proposal for such an activity.
This is due to a variety of factors.
Number one being that I want someone like me, even if it's just for a friendship with benefits, I want someone that I can relate to on multiple levels. I'm not possessive, if things are clear from the start I'm fine with an open relationship or whatever. I'm not looking to "own" anyone, I just want a woman that can be with me outside of bed as well. How is not important.
Number two, this might be TMI so I'll put this behind spoilers...

Spoiler: Kinks and stuff

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I have a really good relationship with sex and I like a variety of non-vanilla things. I need a partner that can keep up with me on that as well, a woman that can really enjoy sex without any shame or restraint. I can't deal with a partner that needs to be constantly reassured that I'm not objectifying her or whatever just because I like it rough.
I mean, it's understandable and it's far from me to impose that kind of sex on a woman that doesn't like it. But it's been a couple of years since I had a partner that likes things to be a bit more wild and experiment and in the meantime I haven't had the chance of expressing myself properly, so to speak.
Most of all, I need a woman that is not afraid of being considered a slut by "society". It's incredibile how many times I've been pushed into a more serious relationship by a woman that, not wanting to face the shame of having a sex friend, forced things to a state that was bound to fail. Or even just avoided certain kinks not because she thought she wouldn't enjoy them but because it was somehow "wrong" (and before your imagination runs wild, I'm not even talking about seriously weird stuff or anything gross)

And for me, at this point in life, this is not optional. I'm not having another relatioship where the sex is not exactly the way I like it. I'm done putting the needs of my partner first, simply because the frustration is building up and I don't think it's right for me to always come second (... no pun intended). I don't want to impose anything on anyone, I just want a partner that is compatibile 100%.

[Chen]

Online is something I'm trying to avoid, mostly because I don't want a long distance relationship.

Why does online need to be long distance?

[lio45]

Can I PM somebody about my question from last week?

Certainly! I'd be glad to help / give feedback.

[lio45]

I suppose this person isn't reading this thread right now, is she? No? Well, it was worth a shot.

Online is something I'm trying to avoid, mostly because I don't want a long distance relationship.

If she were (reading this thread), she'd almost certainly be a long-distance relationship for you.....

I think you have criteria whose combination in a single female is statistically quite rare, and you don't seem to be willing to compromise on many of them, so, I'm not surprised that it's being a difficult search. Couldn't you consider loosening some of them?

[Kalmageddon]

If she were (reading this thread), she'd almost certainly be a long-distance relationship for you.....

I think you have criteria whose combination in a single female is statistically quite rare, and you don't seem to be willing to compromise on many of them, so, I'm not surprised that it's being a difficult search. Couldn't you consider loosening some of them?

About the long-distance part, I don't think it would work well. Of course if the woman of my dreams were to contact me here, I may consider at least getting to know her, but anything else would have to wait for a time when we can reliably see eachother frequently enough.
I know it's difficult, but consider that I have compromised plenty in the past and now I'm simply tired of it. And let me be blunt, I feel like I deserve it. I had my fair share of problems in life, now my life is slowly getting better and I want someone to share it with, one way or the other. I want an ally. Someone I share my favourite things with.

And believe it or not, I had a relationship with a girl like that once*. Now, I realize it's hard to find another underwear model that is also a massive geek and more than a match for me in bed, but I'm willing to forego the "underwear model" part, so you see, I'm actually quite reasonable.

* Wasn't ready for it. Don't ask. Still painful.

Spoiler: For Dehro

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I've read your PM, but your inbox is full.
Thank you for your advice, I'll try that! ^^

[dehro]

Yeah, I've emptied it a bit now.. Anyhoo, Good luck with it.

[lio45]

Now, I realize it's hard to find another underwear model that is also a massive geek and more than a match for me in bed...

... AND who lives in your city/town. :P

[Dire Moose]

Something that's been really frustrating to me.

Lately, I've found that taking the initiative in a relationship has never worked out well for me. Half the time I feel like I'm not doing enough, and half the time I worry that I'm doing too much. Ad I've had two prospective partners get scared and run off due to me apparently going too fast without realizing it.

So I've found that it's better if I'm more submissive and let the other person take the lead. I'm much more comfortable not being the dominant one. But therein lies a serious problem.

Due to gay/bi men being difficult to find anywhere, most of my relationships have been and are likely to be with women. And I don't want to be the one taking the initiative, but I'm a man and therefore I have to. I'm supposed to seek them out, and they're supposed to wait for me to ask them. From what I've heard, it's the same with dating sites: Men actively send out messages, women just create a profile, make it visible, and then just sit there and wait for messages instead of looking around and asking.

And this is not just a social tradition; it's hard-wired into everything from at least amphibians onward from what I can tell. It is always the male that has the big antlers and the bright feathers, and it is always the male that has to send out the mating calls and do the mating dances while the female observes and responds. There are exceptions, of course, in people as in certain animal species, but these are exceptions for a reason: the general rule is still active male, passive female.

So I am at a loss as to what I should do in the future. Taking the initiative in a relationship is not working out, but nature itself seems to be forcing me into that role. No matter how long I try to make myself attractive and interesting, I will not be asked out since that isn't how it works. So it seems like it's either take the initiative and scare people away while stressing myself out in the process, or wait for someone to take the initiative with me forever and never have it happen. Is there any way to make my intentions clear to prospective partners, and is there anywhere out there to find someone who's also into this sort of thing?

[dehro]

Surely there are profiles of women who express a more decisive attitude? Focus on those. Whenever you do get talking to a woman, make it clear that you're something of an introvert/shy person and that you wouldn't mind/work better if she makes it spontaneously clear where you stand. Sure, many women might find it a bit odd or even a dealbreaker, but those who stick by you after you've said something to that effect, are more likely to be what you look for. Women a couple years older than yourself might actually instinctively act that way even without solicitation and can be lots of fun to be with, depending on your relative ages and aptitudes.
If you have a decent profile and are getting good contacts, you could even work something in your profile itself, something that challenges a woman to take the first step (have a care not to make that something a whine or complaint.. Make it funny).

[Chen]

So I am at a loss as to what I should do in the future. Taking the initiative in a relationship is not working out, but nature itself seems to be forcing me into that role. No matter how long I try to make myself attractive and interesting, I will not be asked out since that isn't how it works. So it seems like it's either take the initiative and scare people away while stressing myself out in the process, or wait for someone to take the initiative with me forever and never have it happen. Is there any way to make my intentions clear to prospective partners, and is there anywhere out there to find someone who's also into this sort of thing?

I found my partner using a dating site almost 10 years ago now. There were an absurd number of choices on that site and those consisted of people with ALL sorts of interests and personality types. Unless you're in a very small community it seems unlikely there wouldn't be some who would post things like wanting to be the ones taking initiative or that they're the more outgoing ones or whatever.

Also anecdotally I know a good number of couples where it was the woman who initiated contact. Social trends are moving more and more towards women being more empowered. While yes, usually the men are still the ones initiating contact, it is certainly something that seems to be trending towards more equal roles.

Overall though, it's likely a numbers game. Among me and my friends probably 75% of them found their significant others via some sort of dating site. That said I live in Montreal which has around 4 million people in its metropolitan area and is fairly liberal, ideology wise. Clearly this is going to allow more variety and choices in people available. If you're living in a small town or somewhere that your ideology is not in the majority, clearly there's going to be more difficulty in finding someone who matches what you're looking for.

[Serpentine]

It's been a while, getting in late...

Looks like it's also time to dig up this oldie-but-goodie!

Aw, I'm still relevant :3
I would like to point out that my specific example of the person exempt from that exercise because all his relationship-killing problems are well identified has been in a loving romantic relationship for a couple of years now.

Spanish Paladin, I'm serpentine16 on OKC. Look me up, send me a message to identify yourself and I'll see what feedback I can give you about your profile.

[lio45]

Spanish Paladin, I'm serpentine16 on OKC. Look me up, send me a message to identify yourself and I'll see what feedback I can give you about your profile.

FWIW, if he's followed my advice (obviously, he's free to do what he wants; if he'd rather look for a trans-oceanic relationship for some reason, let him!), then that profile will be unilingual Castilian Spanish because that's what all the target women will speak. :P

But of course there's still valuable feedback to be given about, say, the set of pictures he's chosen, and the length of the profile, the interests listed (number and variety), etc.

[lio45]

Overall though, it's likely a numbers game. Among me and my friends probably 75% of them found their significant others via some sort of dating site. That said I live in Montreal which has around 4 million people in its metropolitan area and is fairly liberal, ideology wise. Clearly this is going to allow more variety and choices in people available. If you're living in a small town or somewhere that your ideology is not in the majority, clearly there's going to be more difficulty in finding someone who matches what you're looking for.

Several of my good friends have finally managed to find their "Mrs Right" mates (some are actually married now) on online dating sites, so my experience mirrors yours there.

Greater Madrid has ~7 million people, nearly twice Mtl's size; I would think that if one can't find a suitable mate with such a varied pool of candidates the problem isn't that you're not casting as wide a geographical net as you should, but something else (you, not them).

[noparlpf]

FWIW, if he's followed my advice (obviously, he's free to do what he wants; if he'd rather look for a trans-oceanic relationship for some reason, let him!), then that profile will be unilingual Castilian Spanish because that's what all the target women will speak. :P

But of course there's still valuable feedback to be given about, say, the set of pictures he's chosen, and the length of the profile, the interests listed (number and variety), etc.

Most Spaniards I've met were at least fairly proficient in English but it does make more sense for him to do his profile in Spanish.

I would be willing to look at it but basically all I could do is point out obvious, glaring flaws because a. my Spanish is super rusty, b. I learned primarily Latin-American Spanish, and c. I'm an asexual man and not a straight woman.

[DJ Yung Crunk]

Right, so. I encountered a trans person recently. They confided in me that they were trans when I mentioned I enjoyed wearing women's clothing. You know, just evening gowns and such. It's like theatre, I enjoy being loud and flamboyant, it's good fun. But that's seriously it. It's just fun. I am a dude and I am very comfortable being a dude.

But this person did not get that, they took great interest in this. When I politely rebuked their theory that I was a trans they got incredibly offended and declared me a self-hating trans. It was one of the most awkward moments I've experienced. They were so mad at how comfortable I was with my gender identity it was all I could do not to punch their teeth down their neck.

So, yeah, I'm going to see them on the regular and this is going to be an issue. Is there any way I can communicate to them that I just like wearing dresses sometimes?

UPDATE: Okay, so she's apologised and backed off. I got some teary eyed explanation pertaining to her "struggle" or somesuch that I didn't much care for. The long and short of it is she was projecting these traits on to me because she had gone through her transition all alone and I appeared to be her best shot at solidarity.

She also mentioned wanting to put it behind us and just be friends. I accepted her apology but there's no way I'm quite there yet. It was a super **** thing to do. Forgiveness is one thing but it was becoming straight up bullying at the end and I don't know if I can be "besties" just like that. Maybe in the future, but right now I've had enough of her.

Apparently a mutual friend basically confronted her and said something to the tune of "you're being a jerk, knock it off or we'll kick you out of the club". Don't know what the exact wording was because I wasn't there but, y'know.

[rs2excelsior]

If you want to see the glass half-full, I'm pretty sure you can realize you learned a few things that will make you a better person and/or identified a couple mistakes you made that you won't make again.

The last stage of a failing relationship usually has more downsides than upsides, so from that not-that-desirable point, the transition to being single (no one to fight with, no one to tell you they don't approve of XYZ, etc.) can be a refreshing and welcome change. Unless you thought it was going really well and didn't see it coming at all...

Spend time with your friends, do fun things, indulge in your hobbies whatever they are, it's the best way (in my own experience) to get your mind off her.

The thing is, I didn't think it was going badly. She was being a tad more distant toward the end, which I knew wasn't good, but it wasn't anywhere near "we're about to break up" levels. We never actually had a fight or an argument while we were together.

I'm trying. The problem is, a lot of the things I enjoy doing, we did together (or were planning on doing together). I've found out over the last few days just how many little things make me think of her. But yes, it is better when I can get my mind off of her.

[RoyVG]

'Third time's the charm' they always say. Well, not for me.

Spoiler

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About two-three weeks ago I was contacted by a girl on a dating site, and it sorta clicked immediately. We talked for a couple of days over Email and very soon we decided to meet up, but not a date. We spend the day in the city, walking and talking a lot and generally had a good time. We exchanged Skype information soon after and continued our conversation daily. During our meeting we talked about going to the movies together and she said yes. So last monday she came to my place to hang out, we went to see Ant-Man in the evening, and after the movie I brought her home, again not as a date. That takes me to today. Today, after hesitating for hours, I asked if she wanted to go on an actual date and showing my intentions that I wanted to go one step further, and she politely declined, saying she saw me as a friend and nothing else.

I'm really starting to doubt myself and losing any shred of confidence I have left. I've never had any real romantic feelings for people until about one and a half years ago, and I can still count the amount of girls on one hand, and each of them didn't even give me a chance for at least one date. I guess it's also is a blessing, it stops anything before it starts, but it's getting really demoralizing if you are not even offered a single chance.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this relationship-stuff to begin with.

[lio45]

'Third time's the charm' they always say. Well, not for me.

Spoiler

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About two-three weeks ago I was contacted by a girl on a dating site, and it sorta clicked immediately. We talked for a couple of days over Email and very soon we decided to meet up, but not a date. We spend the day in the city, walking and talking a lot and generally had a good time. We exchanged Skype information soon after and continued our conversation daily. During our meeting we talked about going to the movies together and she said yes. So last monday she came to my place to hang out, we went to see Ant-Man in the evening, and after the movie I brought her home, again not as a date. That takes me to today. Today, after hesitating for hours, I asked if she wanted to go on an actual date and showing my intentions that I wanted to go one step further, and she politely declined, saying she saw me as a friend and nothing else.

I'm really starting to doubt myself and losing any shred of confidence I have left. I've never had any real romantic feelings for people until about one and a half years ago, and I can still count the amount of girls on one hand, and each of them didn't even give me a chance for at least one date. I guess it's also is a blessing, it stops anything before it starts, but it's getting really demoralizing if you are not even offered a single chance.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this relationship-stuff to begin with.

You two were both on a dating site, you started chatting, and, in your own words, "it sorta clicked immediately".

Whose unbelievably weird idea was it to decide to go out of your way to state that your first date would officially NOT be a date for some utterly bizarre and unfathomable reason...?!?

I mean, I could understand if you went to the movies with a co-worker, for example -- the default assumption might not be that it's a date. But you two met on a dating site, and you apparently had enough initial chemistry to justify going on a date in person, which you did. But this dating-site-generated date was apparently not one... and then, that girl who's active on a dating site seems to say she wants to keep you around, but only as a friend.

What actually happened IMHO is that it went well at first (online contact and discussion), but after you two spent some time together in person during your first date, she pretty much knew then that she wasn't that into you. Which is fine, that's the beauty of dating sites: quick screening, next!

And then you went on a second not-date. That one could've been avoided.


Edit: I disagree with you when you say that no girl so far accepted to go on a date with you: this one just did. So you're doing something right, at least more than you think.