LGBTAI+ #56: Prismatic Spray!

[golentan]

Ha. Haha. Haa. Doable.

My mum keeps saying "you have a college degree, go get a job." I'm working three different unpaid internships five days a week right now. You need two-plus years of experience just to get into school these days, forget actually getting an entry-level position. XD

;-;

Hehehe... I'm pretty much the only guy in my class having trouble finding stable work, and it's not as though I'm not looking.

Of course, I'm pretty much the only guy in my class. I'm wondering if I'm facing some of the same problems that male nurses/childcare providers sometimes face (of the initial class of 42 people, only 4 of use were male)... I don't wanna complain too much given the overwhelming weight of gender inequality being weighted to my advantage, but it's still not really okay.

[Orcus The Vile]

This was my plan. I wasn't going to say anything to anyone until I was out on my own.

Then I got internet stalked because my parents noticed I was quiet and seemed depressed and wanted to know why, and they found where I had said things online, and that was the end of that plan.

You may not agree with me... But I think they were worried about you and that was a really nice gesture.

[golentan]

That's starting to sound like stockholm syndrome...

[noparlpf]

Hehehe... I'm pretty much the only guy in my class having trouble finding stable work, and it's not as though I'm not looking.

Of course, I'm pretty much the only guy in my class. I'm wondering if I'm facing some of the same problems that male nurses/childcare providers sometimes face (of the initial class of 42 people, only 4 of use were male)... I don't wanna complain too much given the overwhelming weight of gender inequality being weighted to my advantage, but it's still not really okay.

I've only ever met one male tech in person. The field is shifting towards primarily-female. Which of course comes with all the problems you get when society starts to view a field as "feminine." No idea how gender impacts hiring practices, though.

[golentan]

I've only ever met one male tech in person. The field is shifting towards primarily-female. Which of course comes with all the problems you get when society starts to view a field as "feminine." No idea how gender impacts hiring practices, though.

Patriarchy hurts everyone...

[noparlpf]

Patriarchy hurts everyone...

Especially the animals. That's right, the patriarchy hurts puppies and kittens.

[golentan]

Especially the animals. That's right, the patriarchy hurts puppies and kittens.

It does actually. I've seen a couple animals with health problems from pregnancies because the neighbors felt their Bulldogs masculinity would be compromised by neutering him.

Bulldog don't care. Bulldog is honey badgering his way through life.

[noparlpf]

It does actually. I've seen a couple animals with health problems from pregnancies because the neighbors felt their Bulldogs masculinity would be compromised by neutering him.

Bulldog don't care. Bulldog is honey badgering his way through life.

Ugh, yes. People projecting their own insecurities onto their animals is so common.

[The_Snark]

You may not agree with me... But I think they were worried about you and that was a really nice gesture.

It's a sign of worry, yes, but nice... depends on the person, I suppose. Some people would consider this an invasion of privacy; others might not mind so much. Only Vael could say where she fell on that spectrum.

[Grytorm]

Hm. I hope things work out in your chosen field thong golentan and Noparlf. Although I don't really know what happens when a field gets arbitrarily labeled as feminine.

I had an idea for a plot seed in a personal campaign setting involving slightly complicated gender politics. Which I recognize as not a good idea to get to involved in a fun activity. (Two Patriarchies at war with each other really for mundane economic reasons. But the vague justification was that one of them was sexist and opposed the female king.)

Also does anyone also like the feeling of shaving their legs? And then start worrying that your mother might think something is funny because of the hair in the tub. Or has noticed for a while and is keeping quite.

Also someone might have flirted with me today. Which is cool.

[CWater]

Thank you all, for the worlds and the support.

The problem is... This whole thing. It is not such a huge deal for me!

I don't care that much for love and all that stuff. It is like a king. Not all princes want to be a king but they must do it for the sake of the realm. I must not go on and live with a guy for the sake of my family.

I may have described my family as villains here, but they are really nice.

I never had many friends. I also never needed, my mother is a writer, poet and artist. My father always made me read philosophy and fiction. They are nice. They are cool the only problem is that they think being gay is not a good thing.

I'm buying my dream apartment, and that may not be a thing in the USA but it is close to my family. I don't see why not. I have been with my family my whole life I don't see why stay away from them now.


My problem is that I just want to know how it feels to be with a cute guy. I have never been in a night club and I need to do it before I get too old for it. I don't want to be that weird and creepy old guy in the wrong place.

The media (especially western) likes to treat life as a some kind of mythical quest for finding The One. But truth is that there is a lot to more to existence than just that, so it is possible to live life without love and/or sex or even seeking it, and be as happy as ever. However, it is a very important matter for a lot of people, and I think you should take your time in figuring out what it means to you. But ultimately only you* can know what you need to be happy.

Leaving home or even distancing oneself from it is also a risk on its own, especially so if the situation at home is not even too uncomfortable at present, and it's not always easy for a shy person to get new friends or find the love they were looking for. For some leaving can be necessary, as they realize they can never be truly happy in that environment (it can even be obviously painful to stay), but like I said earlier, only you can really know what it all means to you. In this regard, I do think it would be good if you got to express your orientation a bit, even if just by flirting with someone you like (and who likes you!). That could give you more data to work with.

It isn't fair that you or anyone has to face these decisions, when doing one important thing means risking losing people you care about. But for whatever reason, life just isn't fair. So one just has to try to make the best of it.

*save for maybe a friend with sage like wisdom and insight, but those are rare

I want to be with a hot guy without having to pay for it. The odds are already not in my side since I'm not particularly handsome, super skinny and nerdy. Some guys flirted with me at university, but they were very ugly.

The only time cute girls and guys flirted with me were in my presentations since the theme of my research is really popular, and that I really like to talk, and I'm kind of good at it. I do jokes at the right time and always bring some kind of art element.

So they were more interested in me because of what I say and the way I say it than my looks.

People show interest in you not your outer shell and you consider this a bad thing? O_o

[golentan]

Well, of the things in my life that I really enjoy, the only ones I think of as primary colors are Love, Food, and Interesting Thoughts. Everything else is just a way of getting one of those.

Lots of other people find happiness in other things. Money, or sports, or other things. But I find them mostly means to an end of one of the above. Games or books or school will get me interesting thoughts. Money will get me games, or food.

Love... Can't buy it. Can't be paid in it. Can't build it or prepare it by myself. Can't do anything but ask nicely and hope that your beloved feels the same. Have to put yourself forward and be rejected so many times, and it's so fragile, and yet... My beloved makes me feel more comfortable in my own skin, makes me happier than anything else in this world.

Some folks maybe don't need or want love, many people pursue it just because it's the thing to do in media, and/or they feel excluded from social functions if they don't, but... Well, I think the real thing is worth the hype.*

And sure, cuddling or sex is worthwhile in its own. I love cuddling with my pets, and I don't think anyone needs to apologize for having sex as long as they're doing it ethically (consensually, honestly, and without intent or likelihood to harm).

*Hallo Miraqariftsky... Hope you're well. Thinking of you.

[JusticeZero]

Hm. I hope things work out in your chosen field thong golentan and Noparlf. Although I don't really know what happens when a field gets arbitrarily labeled as feminine.

Generally it drops in prestige quickly, the pay goes down, and the paths for advancement wither and become dead ends that can't lead to the top.

Also does anyone also like the feeling of shaving their legs? And then start worrying that your mother might think something is funny because of the hair in the tub..

Mmh. I only have to worry about my spouse - who is also enby - having weird twitches of gendering now and then where they get irritated by me doing things that THEY don't do because of dysphoria and general inability to relate to it. So some things I feel like I need to quietly slip away and hide to do. Which I do, because they are often things that have bothered me for years. My dysphoria tended to end up being unable to seperate itself from the bully voice, so I would end up being bothered by something, fussing over it confusedly, and end up making the thing even more assigned-gender-correct to try to relieve the weird obsessive feelings. Now, I stuff the bully voice in a locker where it belongs, and get to experience the more normal sort of dysphoria.

[AmberVael]

You may not agree with me... But I think they were worried about you and that was a really nice gesture.

It's a sign of worry, yes, but nice... depends on the person, I suppose. Some people would consider this an invasion of privacy; others might not mind so much. Only Vael could say where she fell on that spectrum.

It definitely was not nice. Asking and being concerned is nice, but beyond that... if someone doesn't want to speak about something, that should be respected. Besides, I have a history of wanting and needing space when I'm upset or out of sorts. So it wasn't just disrespectful of privacy, it was neglecting what they knew of me.

I've since forgiven them, and taken a good lesson from the incident on just how lacking in privacy the internet is, but that doesn't mean I think what they did was good thing.

[Astrella]

How do you not let getting misgendered often get to you? Cause I could use some advice on that... :/

[golentan]

It definitely was not nice. Asking and being concerned is nice, but beyond that... if someone doesn't want to speak about something, that should be respected. Besides, I have a history of wanting and needing space when I'm upset or out of sorts. So it wasn't just disrespectful of privacy, it was neglecting what they knew of me.

I've since forgiven them, and taken a good lesson from the incident on just how lacking in privacy the internet is, but that doesn't mean I think what they did was good thing.

Yeah, that's more how I'd take it.

I found out relatively recently that my parents knew I was bisexual years before I told them. See, until I was 18, they kept an eye on my internet activity, and "are you 18, yes or no" may not be the most effective to keep kids from viewing sexually explicit material (this is not condoning that, just acknowledging it). They had to know I was looking at men with men. They never said anything: they never told me they were keeping an eye on me, they never asked me about anything I did. I haven't asked for confirmation they knew, I haven't asked why they did it, I suspect they were trying to keep an eye to keep me away from scams, sex trade, drugs, or other potentially physical stuff but didn't want to make me feel pressured or monitored.

Not sure how I feel about that. I do think my parents are good folks though.

[Skeppio]

How do you not let getting misgendered often get to you? Cause I could use some advice on that... :/

I just accepted the fact that I'll never be able to transition, I'm already too old for it to work out well, and no-one would accept me if I did, so I may as well just let people call me male.

[noparlpf]

How do you not let getting misgendered often get to you? Cause I could use some advice on that... :/

As a kid (like 10-15) I was mistaken for a girl more often than not and it didn't bother me...but I think the major difference though is that you're fighting for recognition even from people you know (and the people you know can out you to new people, which sucks and makes everything harder) whereas if I corrected somebody they would apologize and never slip up again. I'm also just harder to get to than you; you tend to be very anxious and conscious of other peoples' opinions.

So fair warning, I'm not good at realistic advice, but what if you moved to another city and got all new people? Then the only person there who would ever need to know you're trans would be your therapist/doctor to continue with HRT. And maybe romantic partners. But if you ever decide to go for bottom surgery (not that you have to, because I know you're conflicted about that) even any new SO after that wouldn't need to know. That's a little fantastical but it is technically possible to just relocate. I'm aiming to spontaneously (as of yesterday with no previous planning) move down to Philadelphia in the next 2-4 weeks.

Yeah, that's more how I'd take it.

I found out relatively recently that my parents knew I was bisexual years before I told them. See, until I was 18, they kept an eye on my internet activity, and "are you 18, yes or no" may not be the most effective to keep kids from viewing sexually explicit material (this is not condoning that, just acknowledging it). They had to know I was looking at men with men. They never said anything: they never told me they were keeping an eye on me, they never asked me about anything I did. I haven't asked for confirmation they knew, I haven't asked why they did it, I suspect they were trying to keep an eye to keep me away from scams, sex trade, drugs, or other potentially physical stuff but didn't want to make me feel pressured or monitored.

Not sure how I feel about that. I do think my parents are good folks though.

I can see monitoring URL history until like 16-18 just to make sure they're not getting into anything worse than most teenagers get into, but going out of your way to track down all of your kid's forum posts is a bit much.

[Syless]

How do you not let getting misgendered often get to you? Cause I could use some advice on that... :/

I just learned to use jerks like that as an opportunity to perfect my death glare. Don't take it as a slight against yourself, take it as them admitting their own failures and treat them with appropriate disdain.

I just accepted the fact that I'll never be able to transition, I'm already too old for it to work out well, and no-one would accept me if I did, so I may as well just let people call me male.

I hear that pretty often, honestly, but I've never known anyone to think that, try transitioning, then actually regret it. No one is too old and there will always be people who accept you, and they're the ones who actually matter.

[AmberVael]

How do you not let getting misgendered often get to you? Cause I could use some advice on that... :/

It... depends on situation, I'd say.

For instance, my brother and I haven't talked a lot about it and he honestly hasn't had much chance to get used to the right pronouns. He's understanding, but long ingrained habit tells him to use male pronouns, and so it happens sometimes. With situations like that, or even with people who don't know me and make the mistake (given that I haven't really done much in the way of transitioning) I just brush it off. What I remember in these situations is that even I screwed up on my pronouns early on in transitioning, so people obviously deserve a little mercy on that front.

With my parents its harder. Its not something they agree with or want to accept, so being misgendered is the norm when I'm with them (I don't expect they'll ever switch over to the right pronouns). With them, I just keep in mind that my gender is but one small fragment of me. Its hardly the core of my identity, and its probably best that it isn't. So, I tolerate their willful mistake, much as I tolerate and accept many other views that they have that I so strongly disagree with, because my relationship with them is more important than agreement on this one issue. It does hurt, but its not something that should be so ascendant in importance that it overwhelms me.

As for strangers, they don't know me. So screw 'em. I don't care what they think. For all I know they're just holograms that will vanish the instant I stop seeing them.
I'm perfectly okay with just playing with people's confusion and having a laugh at it too. While I haven't done a ton in the way of outward appearance, people are almost never certain about my gender when it comes to my voice. Once I got called twice by the same representative of some company, and managed to get them thinking that I was my own spouse on the second call.

I just accepted the fact that I'll never be able to transition, I'm already too old for it to work out well, and no-one would accept me if I did, so I may as well just let people call me male.

There's no such thing as too old. It does get a bit more difficult as you get older... but assuming the age you have listed is anywhere near correct, I'd say you have nothing to worry about. I've known someone easily twice your age who started going through transition, and she seemed to handle it just fine.

[Skeppio]

There's no such thing as too old. It does get a bit more difficult as you get older... but assuming the age you have listed is anywhere near correct, I'd say you have nothing to worry about. I've known someone easily twice your age who started going through transition, and she seemed to handle it just fine.

Were their lives controlled by people who dont approve and have the power to destroy them the moment they're no longer satisfactory? Given their age is double mine, I'd wager not. And that is where we differ.

[Coidzor]

You may not agree with me... But I think they were worried about you and that was a really nice gesture.

Abuse is not nice. Control is not nice.

[golentan]

Abuse is not nice. Control is not nice.

To be fair, both of these things can be nice, and can be very loving, but you have to truly respect the safe word and any items on the red-card list.

[Svata]

To be fair, both of these things can be nice, and can be very loving, but you have to truly respect the safe word and any items on the red-card list.

Damn right.

[Coidzor]

To be fair, both of these things can be nice, and can be very loving, but you have to truly respect the safe word and any items on the red-card list.

I see what you're doing, but you really shouldn't be jokingly likening proper BDSM to abuse, mate.

[Eldest]

Anybody have some good links for voice training to have a female voice?

[Grytorm]

Is it an aspergers thing that sometimes I get really worked up and anxious about seemingly mundane things for reasons I don't really understand? My mother had me move a shelf back into place and I started putting my books on it and she started painting the edges of the shelf and wouldn't stop when I asked her and I kept asking her and I was visibly upset but she wouldn't listen. And then she said she wanted to paint somewhere but only if I was okay with it. And even though I was not okay with it she painted there anyway. Gah.

[golentan]

Is it an aspergers thing that sometimes I get really worked up and anxious about seemingly mundane things for reasons I don't really understand? My mother had me move a shelf back into place and I started putting my books on it and she started painting the edges of the shelf and wouldn't stop when I asked her and I kept asking her and I was visibly upset but she wouldn't listen. And then she said she wanted to paint somewhere but only if I was okay with it. And even though I was not okay with it she painted there anyway. Gah.

Possibly. Some of my friends with aspergers have anxiety about mundane changes to routine that they can't seem to explain but makes them seriously, seriously bothered. My friend S, for example, gets severely worked up by the idea of non-breakfast foods before 11 am, to the point that he will leave the room rather than sit with someone eating a sandwich at 10:30.

[Astrella]

Anybody have some good links for voice training to have a female voice?

Try having a look at CandiFla's videos on youtube maybe? Just remember to take it slow and to not force your voice (and drink plenty of water).

[GrayGriffin]

Is it an aspergers thing that sometimes I get really worked up and anxious about seemingly mundane things for reasons I don't really understand? My mother had me move a shelf back into place and I started putting my books on it and she started painting the edges of the shelf and wouldn't stop when I asked her and I kept asking her and I was visibly upset but she wouldn't listen. And then she said she wanted to paint somewhere but only if I was okay with it. And even though I was not okay with it she painted there anyway. Gah.

I'm autistic, and definitely have felt this as well. Plus I think not stopping when people ask you to do something is just a general politeness thing, you know?