Personal Woes and Advice 4

[AvatarVecna]

The family business I've been working at for a year and a half (and helping out at occassionally for the year before that) is closing today. By the end of today, my home away from home will be a barren, empty reminder of what could've been...leaving behindonly the fugly yellow paint job I always hated, and swore I'd get rid of. I guess I'm rid of it now.

[messy1349]

This seems a little like a 'perfect is the enemy of good' situation. Do you have a smaller, more concretely achievable goal along these lines that you can work towards?

like looking for a relationship and enjoying dreaming? yep.

[Lethologica]

like looking for a relationship and enjoying dreaming? yep.

Well, like working out three-level adventures in this style, maybe two to three modules per level according to a specific theme. Or trying other types of play, like play-by-post, if it's a specific social setting that gives you anxiety. Or making a goal of finding a group to go steady with. Basically, finding ways to shift your normal to one that presents greater opportunity to achieve your dream, instead of being heartbroken about how little opportunity you have to achieve your dream. Maybe you're already doing that, I wouldn't know--that's just what I thought when I read your comments.

[Eldariel]

So, I just got sent to the hospital for what turned out to be stress symptoms (initial suspect was myocarditis) which had gotten so bad that I felt an ache in the left side of the chest and dancing got my heartbeat to cap out at the fourth song (10 mins in, where I can normally do 5 hours no problem), forcing me to slow down to a near-stop. And I was ordered to cut out physical activity for two weeks when the only functional way I've found to counteract stress is physical activity (said dancing).

[Icewraith]

So, I just got sent to the hospital for what turned out to be stress symptoms (initial suspect was myocarditis) which had gotten so bad that I felt an ache in the left side of the chest and dancing got my heartbeat to cap out at the fourth song (10 mins in, where I can normally do 5 hours no problem), forcing me to slow down to a near-stop. And I was ordered to cut out physical activity for two weeks when the only functional way I've found to counteract stress is physical activity (said dancing).

Did you tell this to the doctor who told you to cut out physical activity?

[Eldariel]

Did you tell this to the doctor who told you to cut out physical activity?

One of the nurses gave me the explanation actually; I had talked with a doctor earlier but only about the preliminary results. She said some of the physically easier dances are probably not that harmful and that the only real problem is that exertion is going to extend the recovery time. Which I suppose is infinitely preferable to not healing up at all.

[Grytorm]

Why is it that I cling to life despite all the reasons to just end everything? The main things I do in life are eat, game, and delay inevitable disappointments. I got a paper back today, D, it wasn't to bad because I knew it was an awful paper. At least the professor could identify a thesis statement. When I drove home today I played around with the idea of an accident as I usually do when I feel low. Even delayed the acceleration into abortion until I reached the best spot for an accident. What is the purpose of this post, to gain attention? To vent? Or to actually seek advice? I don't know.

[Elderand]

So last night I wrote a thing while I was at a rather low point. I have been told this thing I have written represent a well articulated expression of the finer nuances of depression. I share this with you all. I'm not entirely sure why, I seek neither sympathy, pity nor advice or counsel. But perhaps some of you will recognize their own problems in this text and know that they aren't alone. That may be enough to provide some measure of help. Or it might just bum you out even more.

I hope you will excuse the poetic turn of phrase but conveying feelings adequately requires such imagery.

People will tell you that depression is a black abyss from which you find yourself a prisoner; a mood so somber and ravaging of the human spirit that you find yourself breaking down upon the weight of these feelings.

Perhaps they are right. Perhaps it is not depression that afflicts me now, in the hour before the sun rises upon a troubled, but ultimately blessed world. Perhaps I suffer from some other ailment of the mind; lord knows I suffer from many already: Purely obsessional compulsive disorder, derealization. Names given to trouble help banish them. And so I name my latest affliction by the name of depression, I can scarcely think of any other appellation for this melancholy that so plagues me.

I try very hard to find ways to keep myself entertained at all times. I tell people that boredom comes easily to me and that I require mental stimulation but the truth is far less manic. I am an alcoholic and diversions are my spirits. I drink deeply from the well of entertainment not out of any refined taste or true need but out of a futile attempt to avoid thinking.

I, of course, spend long hours thinking. But the thinking I do is the superficial working of the brain to entertain itself with strange ideas and notions. Real thinking, deep introspective thoughts, are a bane I do my best to avoid.

For near a decade now I have been in therapy and I don’t think I have shared 6 months’ worth of real introspection in all that time.
The reason why I so ardently evade introspection is that, in hours such as these, when all entertainment and fanciful notions fail me, when I am left alone with myself and can do nothing but reflect upon my lot in life, I find myself drained by epiphanies that pull me inexorably toward oblivion.

In truth I think I may have suffered from depression ever since high school. In all the intervening years, fifteen at the time I write these words, my life has been at a standstill. No, worse than a standstill; an inexorable regression. When I was young I, like all other children, dreamed of great things to come, of being rich, famous, respected and powerful. My constant inability to affect any sort of accomplishment has, over the years, forced me to temper my expectation. For a time I merely desired banality, a simple but fulfilling life. Now I dare not even consider the hope I might achieve mediocrity.

For years now I have been aware of a simple haunting truth. A truth that leaves me feeling drained. I will achieve nothing. I have never known the loving or even sexual embrace of another; all my attempts at improving my situation have left me in constant failure. I now lack even the motivation to bother anymore, not out of laziness but out of the simple terrifying comfort that doing nothing is at least not failing. But is is a failing in and of itself and at time such as these I cannot deny it.

I am depressed, but I am not sad. I am numb, lonely, resigned to the fact that my life has amounted to nothing but an ever encroaching decline.
People associate light with hope and energy. The rising sun brings me no such things. But I do not belong in darkness either, I simply do not belong. Teenagers feel this moody pull, a longing to be part of something, and yet pull away from the place they have known since childhood. They want to be their own person.

I never achieved that drive. I belong nowhere, with no one, and at time like these I cannot cover up this truth with crass consumerism of entertainment. I am lonely, but it is a loneliness that is easy to bear, a loneliness that is made shallow by never having truly known companionship. I hate myself but it is a dull lukewarm hatred. I do not have the destructive or hateful tendencies or character necessary to truly cause me to despise myself with a burning rage.

I am numb, detached, emotionally dulled and mentally drained. I have no impact upon the world and the world has little impact upon me. I live my life surrounded by the mists of detachment and the fogs of disappointment. And I grow increasingly tired of the dampness and misery.

For years now, whenever these moods finds me despite my attempts to shield myself trough constant stimulation, I go to bed praying that I will not awake. It is a sad and pitiful thing to admit. But when sleep at last claims me I hope that I will not dream, that I simple cease to be.
I am not in pain. I just am. I exist just enough that I can observe how much more vibrants and alive others are. And I know I shall never be more than I am, and that is little. It would be preferable not to be.

[Alent]

Anxiety and a negative sense of self-worth combine to be an evil thing.

Spoiler

Show

So, tomorrow (today, really) I go in to see if it's safe to take my cast off and start physical therapy after having half my left wrist ligaments reattached six weeks ago. (For those versed in the nomenclature, "complete dorsal tear of the Triangular Fibrocartilage complex") If all goes well, I can start therapy and my left wrist will return to 100% functional, leading into imagery on my right wrist to see what's wrong with it. In all likelihood I have a 12~13 year old ligament tear of some sort in the right wrist, also, which... scares the living crap out of me.

Aside from the anxiety the unknown is causing, I discovered my insurance company didn't pay for my cast. Covered both steps of the surgery in full, 80% of specialist visits as written, but they completely ignored the cast, didn't even negotiate it down. Normally, I'd just pay it and be done with it, because hey, it's a piece of thermoplastic, some velcro, and 30 minutes of a cast technician's time... Only for some reason, those things totaled out to $1500, and landed at the same time as two other related invoices. (one completely unexpected)

I'm torn- I have the money, but including those bills, fixing my left arm alone has cost twice what I was able to save the last two years, and I still have the right arm pending. I'm not sure if I should try negotiating a reduced price with the clinic, arguing with my insurance company, or just take it on the chin and keep going, knowing that I only have another 3k left until I hit my max out of pocket for the year.

I should be grateful that I have insurance that's paying most of it, but instead I'm sitting here wondering if this is going to work or not, if my insurance carrier is going to drop me for costing them so much money in the first half year, and trying not to take that anxiety out on people around me.

[Serpentine]

One of the nurses gave me the explanation actually; I had talked with a doctor earlier but only about the preliminary results. She said some of the physically easier dances are probably not that harmful and that the only real problem is that exertion is going to extend the recovery time. Which I suppose is infinitely preferable to not healing up at all.

I'm not sure what your situation is, but could it perhaps be an opportunity to try out some new types of dances, or some other activities - maybe yoga (the gentler types - I gather some are surprisingly tough) or... I'm not sure what else. What is it specifically you love about dancing? Just to help with more ideas, if only to find a substitute until you can get back to dancing, or bonus if you like it enough to be an addition to it.

[Eldariel]

I'm not sure what your situation is, but could it perhaps be an opportunity to try out some new types of dances, or some other activities - maybe yoga (the gentler types - I gather some are surprisingly tough) or... I'm not sure what else. What is it specifically you love about dancing? Just to help with more ideas, if only to find a substitute until you can get back to dancing, or bonus if you like it enough to be an addition to it.

First I'll address the question: it's not just a part that I love but I love dancing holistically, particularly all forms of partner dance I've thus far encountered. It's a fine art where I can express myself, and my partner expresses themselves and together we can create something more beautiful than the sum of its parts, something neither of us would fully think of alone but still within the framework of any given piece. It is also an array of skills in which I can excel while still learning ever more both horizontally and vertically: more different styles of dancing and more within each individual style. It offers me a chance to enjoy music in and of itself, and often the types of music I wouldn't normally be listening to, and a different way to experience music altogether. Additionally there's a social world there and much of my social life exists in that world nowadays. Finally, it's physical exercise and the only kind of exercise I normally need - though I suppose this is the problem at this moment in spite of the sweet endorphin.

I have no doubt that you're right though, there's likely something I could use as a partial substitute, if not substitute for the whole experience. I suppose it's just a matter of finding it; restrictions breed creativity and free time is just time for new experiences. Perhaps I should view this break as a gift - that'd probably be more productive. Yoga seems nice in theory and is something I've sought to try and only abandoned due to a lack of time but much like with Pilates, the body use involved in many of the westernized variants of yoga is arduous enough that I'm a bit worried; I'd have to study the details, I think. Other types of dances, mmm, I'm already fairly holistic far as partner dance is concerned at least; but I can take my picks from the lighter end. I'm thinking blues, rumba, salsa, bachata, kizomba, zouk and slow fox should all be fine, but that'll only cover a quarter of an evening's pieces, unless I go find some Zouk/Kizomba or Blues-parties I suppose. Thanks for the ideas!

[Serpentine]

No worries Hope you can find something. I think the only thing that really comes to my mind from your description of what you get from dance is maybe something like improvisational theatre? Maybe even a LARP (World of Darkness style, not beat each other up with foam swords style).

[FinnLassie]

Being a social recluse drives up the chances that I'll have hypomania.

Being too social increases the chances I'll fall into depression.


ASfdfefäöadlaag.

Just a rant, going through this with my doc.

[Icewraith]

Anxiety and a negative sense of self-worth combine to be an evil thing.

Spoiler

Show

So, tomorrow (today, really) I go in to see if it's safe to take my cast off and start physical therapy after having half my left wrist ligaments reattached six weeks ago. (For those versed in the nomenclature, "complete dorsal tear of the Triangular Fibrocartilage complex") If all goes well, I can start therapy and my left wrist will return to 100% functional, leading into imagery on my right wrist to see what's wrong with it. In all likelihood I have a 12~13 year old ligament tear of some sort in the right wrist, also, which... scares the living crap out of me.

Aside from the anxiety the unknown is causing, I discovered my insurance company didn't pay for my cast. Covered both steps of the surgery in full, 80% of specialist visits as written, but they completely ignored the cast, didn't even negotiate it down. Normally, I'd just pay it and be done with it, because hey, it's a piece of thermoplastic, some velcro, and 30 minutes of a cast technician's time... Only for some reason, those things totaled out to $1500, and landed at the same time as two other related invoices. (one completely unexpected)

I'm torn- I have the money, but including those bills, fixing my left arm alone has cost twice what I was able to save the last two years, and I still have the right arm pending. I'm not sure if I should try negotiating a reduced price with the clinic, arguing with my insurance company, or just take it on the chin and keep going, knowing that I only have another 3k left until I hit my max out of pocket for the year.

I should be grateful that I have insurance that's paying most of it, but instead I'm sitting here wondering if this is going to work or not, if my insurance carrier is going to drop me for costing them so much money in the first half year, and trying not to take that anxiety out on people around me.

Check to make sure this isn't just an oversight by the insurance company, at the very least. Casts aren't exactly an exotic medical treatment.

[Cristo Meyers]

Check to make sure this isn't just an oversight by the insurance company, at the very least. Casts aren't exactly an exotic medical treatment.

Seconded. Give your agent a call. I can't speak to the specific situation, but I work in the health insurance industry and can think of quite a few reasons it might've just gotten missed rather than intentionally denied. At the very least, you may be able to appeal.

[druid91]

So... I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Spoiler: Job/Career nonsense

Show

So essentially. Right now I work at a golf course. The season just recently picked up for the summer and I've been back for three days. Now, I had an interview for another job today, that based on previous information wasn't supposed to be that good, but I went anyway because I'd made the appointment and was going to stick to it. Though I intended to turn down the job.

Surprise! The job is essentially better than my current one in almost all respects. Better pay, it's year round rather than seasonal, and there's far more opportunities for promotion that don't require me to wish death/retirement upon a friend.

So. It's an amazing opportunity, marred mostly by the fact that I feel terrible about the idea of leaving my current job for a better one, literally three days into the season and two days after finally having my paperwork in order.

[Lethologica]

Preparation has met opportunity. Say yes. Work off your guilt with however many days of notice are relevant to your situation. Your position will become that better opportunity for someone else.

Caveat: There is at least one respect in which it sounds like your current job is better than your new one: you know you like your work environment/colleagues. I've had friends go to 'better opportunities' on paper that turned into misery in practice. Try to make sure you aren't doing that.

[Cristo Meyers]

So... I'm in a bit of a pickle.

Spoiler: Job/Career nonsense

Show

So essentially. Right now I work at a golf course. The season just recently picked up for the summer and I've been back for three days. Now, I had an interview for another job today, that based on previous information wasn't supposed to be that good, but I went anyway because I'd made the appointment and was going to stick to it. Though I intended to turn down the job.

Surprise! The job is essentially better than my current one in almost all respects. Better pay, it's year round rather than seasonal, and there's far more opportunities for promotion that don't require me to wish death/retirement upon a friend.

So. It's an amazing opportunity, marred mostly by the fact that I feel terrible about the idea of leaving my current job for a better one, literally three days into the season and two days after finally having my paperwork in order.

Most people overestimate how much drama leaving their job is going to cause. Most places I've known accept people leaving, sometimes unexpectedly, as a matter of course.

This is going to come off, well, really blunt but I can't think of another way to say it:

You don't owe your current employers anything.

If you leave, they may crow about loyalty and all they've done for you. Acknowledge it. Thank them. Leave anyway.

If you think this job is going to be better than your current one in all respects, then don't let guilt keep you from taking it. Give them the usual two weeks notice, don't burn any bridges unnecessarily, but don't pass up an opportunity just for this.

[druid91]

Preparation has met opportunity. Say yes. Work off your guilt with however many days of notice are relevant to your situation. Your position will become that better opportunity for someone else.

Caveat: There is at least one respect in which it sounds like your current job is better than your new one: you know you like your work environment/colleagues. I've had friends go to 'better opportunities' on paper that turned into misery in practice. Try to make sure you aren't doing that.

I like my colleagues, not so much the work itself.

Most people overestimate how much drama leaving their job is going to cause. Most places I've known accept people leaving, sometimes unexpectedly, as a matter of course.

This is going to come off, well, really blunt but I can't think of another way to say it:

You don't owe your current employers anything.

If you leave, they may crow about loyalty and all they've done for you. Acknowledge it. Thank them. Leave anyway.

If you think this job is going to be better than your current one in all respects, then don't let guilt keep you from taking it. Give them the usual two weeks notice, don't burn any bridges unnecessarily, but don't pass up an opportunity just for this.

They were very cool about me looking for other jobs last year. But at the time it was the end of the season. It's not so much that I worry about them being upset because I'm leaving, but because of the "I just got here. Now I'm leaving." thing.

[Alent]

Seconded. Give your agent a call. I can't speak to the specific situation, but I work in the health insurance industry and can think of quite a few reasons it might've just gotten missed rather than intentionally denied. At the very least, you may be able to appeal.

From a phonecall to claims, apparently I do have coverage for it, but they didn't send in the right authorization request first. I have everything I need to file an appeal now, which is good. While on hold, I muddled around with my insurance website panel and have come to the realization that it may not matter at all- With the physical therapy factored in, it looks like I'm on track to hit my maximum out of pocket either way.

On the bright side, the doc was really happy about how my wrist had healed, and I need to schedule Physical Therapy now.

[Vivee]

On the bright side, the doc was really happy about how my wrist had healed, and I need to schedule Physical Therapy now.

Always look on the bright side!
I am terrible at support

[Jon_Dahl]

Forget it then. Apparently I'm not allowed to make assumptions about other people, although they are just that: assumptions.

[dehro]

calling someone mentally unstable because she had a verbal outburst during a period of intense stress seems to me the childish reaction of someone who is butthurt about the expletives she hurled his way.
not quite sure how you can call a teacher getting a negative review because two students can't be civil, resolve matters between themselves and have to involve faculty staff in a minor spat a positive ending, but I'm sure you know what's best for you.
still... wishing deportation on someone?? really? over-reaction, much?

[Jon_Dahl]

calling someone mentally unstable because she had a verbal outburst during a period of intense stress seems to me the childish reaction of someone who is butthurt about the expletives she hurled his way.
not quite sure how you can call a teacher getting a negative review because two students can't be civil, resolve matters between themselves and have to involve faculty staff in a minor spat a positive ending, but I'm sure you know what's best for you.
still... wishing deportation on someone?? really? over-reaction, much?

Yes. And I stand behind my words.

[JNAProductions]

I, uh... I think I stand with Dehro here. Jon, you might want to think about whether or not your mental response to that situation is appropriate.

[Chen]

Yes. And I stand behind my words.

Consider seeing a psychologist. You clearly have issues with anger management. Somewhat ironic given the situation and the words you're using to refer to others with.

[Jon_Dahl]

Consider seeing a psychologist. You clearly have issues with anger management. Somewhat ironic given the situation and the words you're using to refer to others with.

I'm the calmest person around. I never show any hostility towards anyone. If I vent in the Internet then how does that make me someone who has anger management issues? That makes no sense. I never snap at people, I never lose my cool. What would you like me to tell my therapist?
"I felt angry about the whole situation and I wished that she would get a brain cancer. I told this on an Internet forum. The whole episode has not affected my everyday life one bit. Things in my private life are great and my studies are going well. I sleep well. I don't remember losing my cool over the past... two years?... or so."
"I see Jon, you need therapy ASAP."

What in earth is going on here?

[Jon_Dahl]

Just let me vent if I want to vent. Venting sometimes includes having negative feelings about other people. Stop being so PC 24/7, please. Or if 'PC' is not the right word, feel free to replace is with another word. Just stop and let me vent. I'm in the right place for that.

[JNAProductions]

All we can see is what you say to us.

If the overreactions ARE purely mental, and you don't let it affect you in actual life, then no, you probably don't need therapy. (Though it might be a good idea to see a therapist anyway-that's just good advice for anyone.) But at the same time, even if they are only mental, that doesn't stop them from being overreactions. If you can control your anger in even your mind, then there's no chance it'll adversely affect your life.

[Jon_Dahl]

All we can see is what you say to us.

If the overreactions ARE purely mental, and you don't let it affect you in actual life, then no, you probably don't need therapy. (Though it might be a good idea to see a therapist anyway-that's just good advice for anyone.) But at the same time, even if they are only mental, that doesn't stop them from being overreactions. If you can control your anger in even your mind, then there's no chance it'll adversely affect your life.

The thing is that we all have situations in our lives that affect us emotionally. If someone insults you, it's difficult to be very analytical about it. If someone you love dies, it's difficult to be "cool" about it. I had an experience that made me very sad, and I can imagine that I have had more than one overreaction, but they are all thoughts and emotions, nothing more. I think that's normal since they don't dominate my life. I only wrote here because writing helps me. I feel better after writing about my negative emotions and I don't think I'm alone in this. Nevertheless, I can see that this is the wrong place for me to open my mouth when I feel agitated. And feeling agitated, sometimes, a bit, is normal. I'm sure that I'm normal even if I don't like someone and I wish nothing good for them. I think I'd be normal even if I knew a person that I hated.