1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (For Fun)

[8BitNinja]

737) Boxing Gloves of Killing: Willingly putting on these gloves kills the wearer

[sengmeng]

621.76.6: Rod of Confusion. This wand, er, rod does something to your brain thinky parts. When you get rid of it, you're no you didn't.

738. Sword of Seppukku.
This otherwise normal masterwork short sword functions as a Bane weapon if used by the wielder to injure himself.

[8BitNinja]

621.76.6: Rod of Confusion. This wand, er, rod does something to your brain thinky parts. When you get rid of it, you're no you didn't.

Is that an IP number?

[sengmeng]

Is that an IP number?

It could be?

739) Mirror of Oncology: looking in this mirror diagnoses the viewer with cancer.

749) Giant's Scalpel: This is a spear.

750) Scarab of Meth: this scarab takes up your amulet slot. While wearing it, you are unable to sleep, but cannot use the extra time awake for any activity more useful than sorting and re-sorting your socks. This distraction gives you a -4 penalty on spot and listen checks.

751) Plus One Dagger: allows you to bring a date to any event, even if the invitation was for you alone.

[JoeJ]

But will it protect you from ethereal threats? Like ghosts and Ethereal Filtchers?

Sadly, no. They pass right through it as well.

[Niek]

752: A magical rod with a switch in the handle which, when activated, causes a spectral hand to materialize and flip the switch off again.

[Anonymouswizard]

753. The Emporer's New Armour: +20 AC against creatures with a Wisdom scorw over 30, otherwise -10 AC.

[Cealocanth]

754: Amulet of Infinite Cosmic Power - This amulet grants the wearer the ability to conceive of what infinite cosmic power may be like if such a thing were possible.

[sengmeng]

755) Rod of Spoiling Not the Child
This simple wooden rod is 2" thick and 3 feet long. It is treated as a club sized for a medium creature, except the damage is reduced to 1d4. However, if the target is a direct descendant of the wielder, it functions as a Merciful Bane weapon.

[goto124]

751) Plus One Dagger: allows you to bring a date to any event, even if the invitation was for you alone.

If only if it gave me the ability to convince someone to be my date...

[FocusWolf413]

755) Rod of Spoiling Not the Child
This simple wooden rod is 2" thick and 3 feet long. It is treated as a club sized for a medium creature, except the damage is reduced to 1d4. However, if the target is a direct descendant of the wielder, it functions as a Merciful Bane weapon.

Uhh, don't you start doing lethal damage after they hit zero?

[Anonymouswizard]

If only if it gave me the ability to convince someone to be my date...

The words of many a nerd

Uhh, don't you start doing lethal damage after they hit zero?

at that point they have already been knocked out, so spoiling not is unlikely to have more of an effect at that point.

[sengmeng]

Uhh, don't you start doing lethal damage after they hit zero?

Per the SRD, no. It would really get the point across, though.

756) Tome of Forgotten Lore of the Elderly Gods
You want fancy summoning spells? Forget it! In my day, if you wanted to summon something, you summoned a bear by banging two rocks together, and they had to share the rocks! My cultists had to walk uphill in the snow both directions to get to our forbidden temple. What? I was getting to that! Ma says your sacrificial "virgin" looks like a tart, and really needs to eat more. When's the last time you washed those robes? Chant louder! I don't hear so well anymore! Back in my day, we would have smote the lot of you. And stop trying to summon us at midnight; we go to bed at eight and get up at five thirty. And would it kill you to pray to Ma more than twice a century?

757) Murderin Axe
This battleaxe has the words MURDERIN AXE inscribed on the haft. If anyone reads the inscription, you become the primary suspect in any unsolved axe murders in the vicinity. This effect functions even in an antimagic field. Detect magic does not reveal any aura on the Murderin Axe.

[Knaight]

Uhh, don't you start doing lethal damage after they hit zero?

It's not like children haven't been "accidentally" beaten to death in what parents describe as spanking with an implement. This seems pretty much accurate to me.

[Cealocanth]

Tome of Forgotten Lore of the Elderly Gods is 756, by the way, unless we have skipped some numbers again.

758.) Circlet of Knowledge - When worn, the circlet grants the user master level knowledge in a field of study. Acts like a cursed item, as it requires remove curse to remove. Depending on the mage who crafted it, the field of study may vary. So far, known versions of this circlet teach one of the following:

• The Mating Habits of Nocturnal Polar Hive Insects
• The History of the Spoon
• The Fundamental Molecular Structure of Cotton
• Prehistoric Barley Breeding
• Controlled Demolition of Wigwams

[8BitNinja]

759: The Giant Book: a gigantic book with incomprehensible writing. The story in it was made by a fifth grader

[sengmeng]

780. Ring of Accents

Wearing this ring causes your speech patterns to take on a certain accent. So far, the only two varieties known are "Hillbilly" and "Valley Girl."

[Anonymouswizard]

780. Ring of Accents

Wearing this ring causes your speech patterns to take on a certain accent. So far, the only two varieties known are "Hillbilly" and "Valley Girl."

781. Ring of Offense: as above, but the accents seem to be 'generic oriental' and 'from Oop North'.

[8BitNinja]

781. Ring of Offense: as above, but the accents seem to be 'generic oriental' and 'from Oop North'.

782) Ring of Offense, Other: Same as above, but instead has "Steryotypical Indian" and "Stereotypical Indian." The fact that the ring does not use a different term for the second setting (like Native American or something) males it difficult to use

[Tetsubo 57]

783) Invisible Gold Ring. It is a finely crafted gold ring that is invisible.

[sengmeng]

784) Helm of Brilliance
Upon donning this helmet, you immediately realize what an incredibly good idea it was to put it on.

785) Lord of the Rings

You gain the ability to command magic rings. Could be an artifact level magic item, depending on whether or not magic rings can take actions in your setting.

[8BitNinja]

786) Instant Bottle of Water: Just add water!

[Segev]

Note that it protects the user against pregnancy. Given your identified gender, you wearing it - "on that" or otherwise - would probably not do very much! :)

No, no. It's favored by cads and soon-to-be deadbeat dads. It protects THEM from the pregnancy, as they're wearing it. Not their partner. She just can't make him suffer any consequences he doesn't want to.

I've seen females here object to being called 'he'. This, however, is the first time I see someone object to being referred to by 'they' pronoun.

I object to being referred to by "they" when speaking just of me. I do not identify as one of the borg!

[ThinkMinty]

784) Helm of Brilliance
Upon donning this helmet, you immediately realize what an incredibly good idea it was to put it on.

This one's actually useless. I can't think of how it serves any purpose other than as a reliable item to sell in a magic shop that lets people try before they buy.

[sengmeng]

This one's actually useless. I can't think of how it serves any purpose other than as a reliable item to sell in a magic shop that lets people try before they buy.

Are you splitting hairs over worthless vs useless, or am I missing something here?

[8BitNinja]

787) Bullet Eating Rifle: A normal AR-15 rifle, except any bullets loaded are literally eaten by the gun in the chamber. Must be fed 5 rounds 3 times a day.

That's 1 wasted mag every 2 days

[Reboot]

788) Wand of Summon Socks: Summons two socks to you per charge. They are completely random, which means the chances of you getting an actual pair are incredibly remote, and they may not even fit (chances of fitting decrease the further your feet diverge from the median).

[8BitNinja]

789) Mystery Box: No one will ever know what is in the box

[sengmeng]

789) Mystery Box: No one will ever know what is in the box

Could it be a boat?

780) Spoon of Gluttony. Using this spoon halves the time it takes you to eat.

[8BitNinja]

791) (One from Reddit) Book of misspellings: Cursed item that, when read, lets the DM change one letter of any spell cast by the player for the next 2d4 days for an entirely different effect. Created some hilarious spells. Like sconeskin.

Melf's Acid Arrow, now Melf's A Kid Arrow
Cause Fear, now Cause Bear
Hold Person, now Gold Person