LGBTAI+ #58 Infinity 2.0: The Darth Arminius Apology Thread

[JusticeZero]

I don't even know what my gender is now although I've reached some sort of comfort not really worrying about it, for which I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Yeah, I don't actually think it's necessary to categorize and name so much as to understand it. I don't classify my orientation, since doesn't neatly fall into any specific label, and I'm completely okay with that. My gender has given me enough information to conform within a standard label, and that's fine too. I know enough about the communities near what I am that I can find what I need.

[Simsimillia]

I have a bit of a question. It seems like pretty much every trans* person I know kind of "knew" their gender identity before knowing it, and so their journey was kind of coming to terms with it.

I legitimately have no idea what my identity is. Not at all. I feel clear dysphoria, but there's a million things it might be, I've tried to figure it out, had false starts, and nothing seems to fit. Maybe it's just because I'm young and I need to give it more time to settle out from the current chaos that it is, or maybe I'm broken, or actually just cis and very deluded, or something?

Has anyone here had a process anything like this? Apologies if I'm being sort of vague.

I can only speak for myself and I'm still kinda figuring stuff out myself, well namely how to come out and what to do and stuff.

What "tipped me off" to me knowing I'm female is mostly I think that looking back nine to ten years that in all that time I exclusively played female Characters in Video Games, Roleplaying Games, etc. when it was possible to chose. In the case of Roleplaying Games there was only one exception, which I made as "not to seem weird".
When playing Games where I could only play a male character I took less enjoyment from it. The same basically goes for movies and who I identify with in a movie/TV Show.

[GrayGriffin]

So I've been female pretty much full time, including going out in public to stores and restaurants and such, and having a wonderful time with no-one judging me oddly at all.
I keep passing for female even when speaking, even despite being pre[any kind of medical transition at all].
Apparently I'm also very confident, according to several friends, which makes me wonder if that might be part of it.
I go out with a "I don't give a fish about what people think of how I look" attitude.

Spoiler: Me!

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Me with a cute owl plushie I bought. Terrible lighting, but still.

That plushie is adorable.

[Thufir]

Pride! I went to it! It was amazing fun!

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It definitely looks it! I've been meaning to go to my local Pride event for like 3 years now but every year I've had something else on that weekend...

[Icewraith]

I can only speak for myself and I'm still kinda figuring stuff out myself, well namely how to come out and what to do and stuff.

What "tipped me off" to me knowing I'm female is mostly I think that looking back nine to ten years that in all that time I exclusively played female Characters in Video Games, Roleplaying Games, etc. when it was possible to chose. In the case of Roleplaying Games there was only one exception, which I made as "not to seem weird".
When playing Games where I could only play a male character I took less enjoyment from it. The same basically goes for movies and who I identify with in a movie/TV Show.

I was going to point out some things here with regards to art and character models in videogames, but then I realized the difference between "often" and "exclusively". I often, but not exclusively, pick female character models because I either think they're better done or there's something I find objectionable about the male models (like the faces mostly being frozen into some horrible battle rictus, for instance).

(I mean, if you want to talk about unrealistic proportions in video games, I've seen a few women with really impressive figures- maybe not quite video game ridiculous, but close - but I haven't met any men with forearms thicker than their neck.)

In-person roleplaying games I tend to talk in first person and that just doesn't work (in my mind, which is the one that matters when I'm playing the character- more power to you if you can make it work) with playing a female character due to having a deep voice. If I could pull it off I probably would play more female characters just to have some more gender balance at the table.

But yeah, exclusively playing female characters, and diminished enjoyment from playing male characters I can see where that might be more of a signal.

RE: Dysphoria

When it comes to most adverse mental health issues, I think the most illuminating question to answer would be "what are your triggers?" If there are times, places or events that seem to make things worse - even if you can't identify why things are worse, when are they worse?

Also, in trying to figure things out and having false starts, have any of those attempts included a therapist or other medical professional? If no, there's a likely helpful course of action for you right there.

[Dire Moose]

I actually went to a gender therapist myself back in the winter and found she was really able to do very little for me.

I'd had three different people on an online trans support group recommend her as the best in my area, and had high hopes that she'd be able to help me sort things out. Being told by people there and here as well that going to a gender therapist would help me sort things out added to my hopes.

What a disappointment. First off, she was very out of touch with a lot of the cultural specifics (details of different roles I played in video games, etc.) that were causing me confusion and got everything about them wrong when she tried to research them. So no help there.

Second, she gave me a handout showing a very outdated concept of "degrees of being transgender" that included different levels of sexual desire and orientation as indicators of how trans someone was. I'm not sure she believed all of it herself, but she did react with interest and took notes when I mentioned I was bisexual.

Next, she made one major foul-up that affected her perception of me. On the intake form, she had indicted that I should write my legal name and whatever name I preferred to be called. Naturally, I answered accurately that my legal name was James and I preferred to be called Jamie. Jamie was a diminutive form of James that my parents had called me since I was a baby, and because it flowed better with my last name I had kept using it instead of James. She, however, assumed there was only one reason why i would want to go by that name: Jamie was a name that could be female, and since I was there, I must have adopted Jamie to express a female identity. Attempting to correct her didn't really help.

That leads to the major problem with her. She seems to have assumed I must be trans from the beginning. To her, the people she saw tended to be trans already and just needed help transitioning; that was what she was doing. That was confirmed in her view by, in her words "You told me that you wanted to be called Jamie instead of James. That tells me something." What she tried to to with me was to help me accept the inner identity she felt I was trying to express, whereas I didn't want that kind of help. I was really confused about my identity and needed someone who would actually help me figure out what it was. And she was so set on validating my supposed identity and letting me know it was OK to "be who I was" that she didn't realize that was not what I was looking for!

Really, everything that did help me I did not get from her, and like everything else my sessions with her only added to my frustration. To be perfectly honest, I think the recommendations I got about her being "the best in the area" were misguided and the people making them were looking at it from an angle of "Which therapists will sign off on letters for HRT/surgery most quickly and painlessly?"'

In short, don't expect that therapy is necessarily going to help you figure things out. Maybe for some it will, but definitely not in my case.

[Coidzor]

First off, she was very out of touch with a lot of the cultural specifics (details of different roles I played in video games, etc.) that were causing me confusion and got everything about them wrong when she tried to research them. So no help there.

What do you mean by that? Because the first place I went to was her not knowing what an MMORPG was and thus not knowing about DPS, tanks, and healers. Or MOBAs and thus having no idea about feeding or going top, bottom, or middle; or jungling.

To be perfectly honest, I think the recommendations I got about her being "the best in the area" were misguided and the people making them were looking at it from an angle of "Which therapists will sign off on letters for HRT/surgery most quickly and painlessly?"'

Isn't that what is generally meant/desired due to the fear of gatekeeping?

[Dire Moose]

What do you mean by that? Because the first place I went to was her not knowing what an MMORPG was and thus not knowing about DPS, tanks, and healers. Or MOBAs and thus having no idea about feeding or going top, bottom, or middle; or jungling.

Namely, the fact that I identified very strongly with Link to the point where trying to play Zelda and trying to maintain my attempt at identifying as female at the same time was causing me almost physical pain. That may sound silly, but that was causing me a lot of conflict and she couldn't help because she had no idea what I was talking about or how to advise me there.

Isn't that what is generally meant/desired due to the fear of gatekeeping?

I specifically asked for someone who could actually help me figure out what my cross-gender fantasies and desires really meant, not someone who would just give me permission for something I wasn't sure I even wanted. I did ask for someone who wouldn't oppose me if I decided that was what I needed, but that wasn't my primary concern.

[JusticeZero]

In-person roleplaying games I tend to talk in first person and that just doesn't work (in my mind, which is the one that matters when I'm playing the character- more power to you if you can make it work) with playing a female character due to having a deep voice. If I could pull it off I probably would play more female characters just to have some more gender balance at the table..

There are a couple voice changers available online. At least one has a free no-frills version.
I didn't use one because I was afraid the settings would slip or background noise would get changed and clock me. I don't know if that's actually a real worry, but it was more than a little bit paralyzing. If you are actually transitioning, it's better to adjust your actual voice because you want to be you EVERYWHERE, not just as a disembodied ghost on Teamspeak. Which is how I felt like I was for a decade or two.
But, if you are just trying to get a more in character voice and you aren't trying to present your player as female, they should be more than sufficient. I tried one out and it made my voice into.. pretty close to where it is right now actually. Just remember to keep the delay turned way up or it won't change it very well.

[Togath]

That plushie is adorable.

I put it with a matching fox one by my PC~

[Icewraith]

There are a couple voice changers available online. At least one has a free no-frills version.
I didn't use one because I was afraid the settings would slip or background noise would get changed and clock me. I don't know if that's actually a real worry, but it was more than a little bit paralyzing. If you are actually transitioning, it's better to adjust your actual voice because you want to be you EVERYWHERE, not just as a disembodied ghost on Teamspeak. Which is how I felt like I was for a decade or two.
But, if you are just trying to get a more in character voice and you aren't trying to present your player as female, they should be more than sufficient. I tried one out and it made my voice into.. pretty close to where it is right now actually. Just remember to keep the delay turned way up or it won't change it very well.

Your answer confused me until I realized I hadn't been clear that in-person tabletop roleplaying is 100% of the actual roleplaying I do for the foreseeable future. I play WoW, but that's not the same thing at all. Even if I used some kind of personal voice changer, people are literally sitting in the same room as me so they'd just hear both voices, which would probably be worse and distracting. Plus I'd need something with a screen to run a client-based program, which I try to avoid so I don't start checking internet things out of habit and tune out of the game.

I did do messenger-based RPGing for a bit way back when and played a female character one time with a new group. She was promptly sexually harrassed and stalked in character by one of the other pcs.

[Asmodean_]

--snipped for length--

This entire post made me think of this image

I did do messenger-based RPGing for a bit way back when and played a female character one time with a new group. She was promptly sexually harrassed and stalked in character by one of the other pcs.

These are the people that give gamers a bad name, when really any group is X℅ *******. Hope you haven't had to deal with that one anywhere else.

[Dire Moose]

Oh, I was too self-absorbed to say this earlier, but better late than never I suppose.

Togath: You look quite pretty; keep up the good work :)

Heliomance: Looks like you had fun; I've only been to one real Pride event myself but I'd have to agree those are great.

[Yabvi]

Hmm, for me, I am a dude and occasionally a dudette but I do see myself as a guy pretty much 100%.

For my sexuality I'm gay, I probably first discovered I liked men years ago when I was very young so I had an idea that I liked guys much earlier than most people usually do.

[Lentrax]

Question(s) for everyone:

Has anyone here tried hair removal creams? And if so, did any of them work better than others?

[noparlpf]

Question(s) for everyone:

Has anyone here tried hair removal creams? And if so, did any of them work better than others?

I have not personally tried any, but I've heard enough stories online of people giving themselves chemical burns that I don't think I'd recommend it. Granted, relatively mild chemical burns, but still.

[Coidzor]

One thing to remember is that such things are generally for specific areas of the body based upon their formulation and bad things happen when used in other areas.

Another is that how sensitive your skin is, especially to chemicals, matters a lot in terms of how leery you should be.

Also, test in a small area first. That way you only burn a small portion of yourself if you have a bad reaction.

[golentan]

Question(s) for everyone:

Has anyone here tried hair removal creams? And if so, did any of them work better than others?

I tried them. They worked well, until some little bits got smeared where it wasn't supposed to by accident and then, as mentioned, chemical burns. On some... very sensitive areas.

Upshot, my legs were super smooth as intended. Just at the cost of being unable to sit down for a couple days.

[Heliomance]

Question(s) for everyone:

Has anyone here tried hair removal creams? And if so, did any of them work better than others?

I tried them for a bit. They were a faff, they stunk, and they don't last any longer than shaving. Decided they weren't worth the effort and expense.

ION, my referral letter for surgery came through at last yesterday! Now I've just got another unknown amount of waiting to do.

[Dire Moose]

I tried them for a bit. They were a faff, they stunk, and they don't last any longer than shaving. Decided they weren't worth the effort and expense.

ION, my referral letter for surgery came through at last yesterday! Now I've just got another unknown amount of waiting to do.

Great to hear you're making progress.

[Lentrax]

Alright, well thanks for helping avoid a probable bad idea.

[golentan]

I kinda wish I had a way to give a covert thumbs up to people who ping on my queerdar without outing them or making them uncomfortable.

Instead... I find myself looking at people and going "Kindred Spirit! Oh god, don't stare, you'll make them uncomfortable. But don't not look at them, they might think I pegged them and am disapproving. GAAAAAAH!"

In other news, I continue to be socially awkward and like looking at cute girls, boys, and others.

[YossarianLives]

My mother tried to hide my hormones from me today. I convinced her to give them back pretty quickly, but it... still wasn't pleasant.

That's horrible, but at the same time just... So petty and immature. I'm sorry.

[Lentrax]

My mother tried to hide my hormones from me today. I convinced her to give them back pretty quickly, but it... still wasn't pleasant.

Gods honey. If I could get you out of there I would.

[Astrella]

That is so so abusive, hiding someone's medication. Not to mention probably illegal.

[lio45]

Not to mention probably illegal.

Probably not, if that item is readily accessible in her house and the complainer is merely a non-paying "guest" there.

Is your mom aware of all your anxiety issues, Denmark breakup, etc.? Maybe sharing some of that would help make her more supportive or at the very least kinder/gentler. Just throwing the idea out there.

[Asmodean_]

Wow that's whole new levels of petty. But think of it this way. She's much older than you, and has had much more experience than you. She'd know the most effective way to push her views on you. And if it's that, then it's clear she's fighting a losing battle.

[Illven]

Probably not, if that item is readily accessible in her house and the complainer is merely a non-paying "guest" there.

I would hope in general medications would be illegal to hide. I mean withdrawal alone from some of them.

[Asmodean_]

So I accidentally came out to my friends today...

We were doing Jekyll and Hyde in English class and one of my classmates thought I was an appropriate Hyde for one of my friends.

"It actually makes sense. He's tall, I'm not as tall. He has ironclad morals, I emphatically don't, he's (pre-scrubbed for your convenience), I'm bisexual--"

"you're what"

I swear I'm a living Seinfeld episode or something.

[Ravens_cry]

I was out today, girled up but for foundation, and I think a guy was flirting with me. I don't know, but he just came up and talked to me, mostly small talk about how long I've lived in the area, but still. I honestly don't know, but my upbringing gives me no tools for how to deal with this.