Relationship Woes and Advice XXVII: Sarcasm Will Not Be Tolerated

[Prince Zahn]

Hello everybody, it's been a while, I'm sorry I'm not more actively supporting, sometimes all I need is someone to listen to me, and you guys are the closest thing I have to therapy.

Update on my situation:

Spoiler

Show

Things are getting better, (I think)! I finished my volunteer work in August, right after turning 22. which made a lot of those depressions lighten up a little. Between August and October I had very little to do, and was kind of bored a lot. I had several crises over the last few months over whether this girl I met online really wants to be my girlfriend or not (I might have told you last time that I as torn between two ladies, I've stuck with my choice.) and why I don't hear from her anymore (or at least, I hear from HR once in a blue moon)

Since we last spoke, I got a new job, which kept me bathing and shaving every day I can, I found someone new online— a man twice my age (she doesn't know about him), I don't know if it sounds strange or not to say it as a straight male, but I get more emotional compassion and intimacy from him than I ever got from my sweetheart. On days when I get to talk with him, I don't think about my loneliness, or about romance. And on Saturday, when I thought he disappeared, I couldn't stop crying. Thankfully. He came back, and he was alright.

Lately, though, this person has been a bit more affectionate with me. Sending more, um, "suggestive" texts. I told him I'm not there yet and he said that he was okay with that.

With that said, even though I don't see him in that way, and I don't know if I ever could, I feel strongly towards him on an emotional level, if not romantically. At the same time I feel like it would be best for everyone if I could reciprocate, but something is stopping me from getting that far with him. I have a feeling that he's expecting me to come around too. I don't know how or if I can break it to him.

Any wisdom on the matter would be great, but even if not, it's nice to unload things.

[TechnOkami]

Ah, okay, I get it now. Thank you everyone for your responses.

Hm...

I suppose I'm ok with or without being in a relationship with someone. Even if I were in one though, I'm really bad at showing that I care about them. I'm... not a thoughtful person by nature.

[lio45]

Ah, okay, I get it now. Thank you everyone for your responses.

Hm...

I suppose I'm ok with or without being in a relationship with someone. Even if I were in one though, I'm really bad at showing that I care about them. I'm... not a thoughtful person by nature.

You'll learn to show them the right signs. It's okay for that not to come naturally to you, plenty of us are like that too.

If you're genuinely well-meaning, which I don't doubt, then you have no reason to worry too much about that. I'd say though, make sure she knows you're self-proclaimed especially bad at "caring", and make sure you have good two-way communication. Doesn't hurt to then make a bit of effort to improve that, but as long as you're upfront about it being a flaw, it should be fine.

The idea is that you want to avoid her misreading the situation and concluding you don't care, while you do care but you just don't show it the way she expects or with the magnitude she expects.

[lio45]

Hello everybody, it's been a while, I'm sorry I'm not more actively supporting, sometimes all I need is someone to listen to me, and you guys are the closest thing I have to therapy.

Update on my situation:

Spoiler

Show

Things are getting better, (I think)! I finished my volunteer work in August, right after turning 22. which made a lot of those depressions lighten up a little. Between August and October I had very little to do, and was kind of bored a lot. I had several crises over the last few months over whether this girl I met online really wants to be my girlfriend or not (I might have told you last time that I as torn between two ladies, I've stuck with my choice.) and why I don't hear from her anymore (or at least, I hear from HR once in a blue moon)

Since we last spoke, I got a new job, which kept me bathing and shaving every day I can, I found someone new online— a man twice my age (she doesn't know about him), I don't know if it sounds strange or not to say it as a straight male, but I get more emotional compassion and intimacy from him than I ever got from my sweetheart. On days when I get to talk with him, I don't think about my loneliness, or about romance. And on Saturday, when I thought he disappeared, I couldn't stop crying. Thankfully. He came back, and he was alright.

Lately, though, this person has been a bit more affectionate with me. Sending more, um, "suggestive" texts. I told him I'm not there yet and he said that he was okay with that.

With that said, even though I don't see him in that way, and I don't know if I ever could, I feel strongly towards him on an emotional level, if not romantically. At the same time I feel like it would be best for everyone if I could reciprocate, but something is stopping me from getting that far with him. I have a feeling that he's expecting me to come around too. I don't know how or if I can break it to him.

Any wisdom on the matter would be great, but even if not, it's nice to unload things.

I imagine you'd probably get better feedback from the gang in the LGBT+ thread...

Personally, as an absolutely straight male, your story feels really foreign. I am at a loss to envision any circumstances under which I'd open the romantic door to a man twice my age... or even the kind of context in which he would contact me with that in mind.

In your case, though, he's now not only become somehow part of your universe, but you're actually finding that he's a pleasant part of it, against all odds. As you say, it seems like it would be much more simple if you could just flip a switch and become gay, in which case you two would likely be a great match.

Now, part of me wants to say that you should make sure he doesn't waste his time pursuing you. On the other hand, having been the pursuer in the past, it's nice to have the pursued be kind enough to leave the door open... nicer than slamming it shut, for sure, as long as the cards are put on the table (in your case, make it clear you're likely fully hetero and staying that way, even though you enjoy his company). Spending time courting someone you hope to get together with isn't really a "waste" of time per se, even if you know your chances are super slim, provided the courted party isn't just totally toying with you. So, all things considered, he probably knows it's a super long shot, and still does it willingly. Again, though, I'd make sure it's clear, to avoid misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations.

What do you see happening of your "relationship" with this man? At first sight, it's likely bound to gravitate to one of these two main poles: 1) you end up cutting contact permanently or 2) you two end up in a homosexual relationship. Keeping it in the middle as a stable position will be tricky.

P.S. You should share your case in the LGBT+ thread as well, see what they think. :)

[Prince Zahn]

I imagine you'd probably get better feedback from the gang in the LGBT+ thread...

Personally, as an absolutely straight male, your story feels really foreign. I am at a loss to envision any circumstances under which I'd open the romantic door to a man twice my age... or even the kind of context in which he would contact me with that in mind.

In your case, though, he's now not only become somehow part of your universe, but you're actually finding that he's a pleasant part of it, against all odds. As you say, it seems like it would be much more simple if you could just flip a switch and become gay, in which case you two would likely be a great match.

Now, part of me wants to say that you should make sure he doesn't waste his time pursuing you. On the other hand, having been the pursuer in the past, it's nice to have the pursued be kind enough to leave the door open... nicer than slamming it shut, for sure, as long as the cards are put on the table (in your case, make it clear you're likely fully hetero and staying that way, even though you enjoy his company). Spending time courting someone you hope to get together with isn't really a "waste" of time per se, even if you know your chances are super slim, provided the courted party isn't just totally toying with you. So, all things considered, he probably knows it's a super long shot, and still does it willingly. Again, though, I'd make sure it's clear, to avoid misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations.

What do you see happening of your "relationship" with this man? At first sight, it's likely bound to gravitate to one of these two main poles: 1) you end up cutting contact permanently or 2) you two end up in a homosexual relationship. Keeping it in the middle as a stable position will be tricky.

P.S. You should share your case in the LGBT+ thread as well, see what they think. :)

Thank you for your wisdom, and for being square with me. I will take your advice and ask the LGBT+ thread about it. Thank you!

[Coidzor]

Hello everybody, it's been a while, I'm sorry I'm not more actively supporting, sometimes all I need is someone to listen to me, and you guys are the closest thing I have to therapy.

Update on my situation:

Spoiler

Show

Things are getting better, (I think)! I finished my volunteer work in August, right after turning 22. which made a lot of those depressions lighten up a little. Between August and October I had very little to do, and was kind of bored a lot. I had several crises over the last few months over whether this girl I met online really wants to be my girlfriend or not (I might have told you last time that I as torn between two ladies, I've stuck with my choice.) and why I don't hear from her anymore (or at least, I hear from HR once in a blue moon)

Since we last spoke, I got a new job, which kept me bathing and shaving every day I can, I found someone new online— a man twice my age (she doesn't know about him), I don't know if it sounds strange or not to say it as a straight male, but I get more emotional compassion and intimacy from him than I ever got from my sweetheart. On days when I get to talk with him, I don't think about my loneliness, or about romance. And on Saturday, when I thought he disappeared, I couldn't stop crying. Thankfully. He came back, and he was alright.

Lately, though, this person has been a bit more affectionate with me. Sending more, um, "suggestive" texts. I told him I'm not there yet and he said that he was okay with that.

With that said, even though I don't see him in that way, and I don't know if I ever could, I feel strongly towards him on an emotional level, if not romantically. At the same time I feel like it would be best for everyone if I could reciprocate, but something is stopping me from getting that far with him. I have a feeling that he's expecting me to come around too. I don't know how or if I can break it to him.

Any wisdom on the matter would be great, but even if not, it's nice to unload things.

Spoiler

Show

Honestly, you shouldn't be, or have been, going behind the back of this girl, but it also sounds like you should have cut yourself loose of her and gone on to more promising pastures.

It's pretty easy for someone who is legitimately interested in you to be more compassionate than someone who is capricious and cruel, as tends to be the case with someone who is only referred to as sweetheart and who actually has crises over whether they even want you in the first place. It's also really easy for someone who is simply present to outshine someone who is absent.

If you don't want sexts or nudes, you say so, directly, and don't say things like not being there yet, unless you really and truly mean that as you explore your sexuality and attraction to them.

Odds are good, you aren't as straight as you currently think you are or thought you were previously. There's still a chance you're one of those people who is biromantic and heterosexual though, I suppose.

[Glass Mouse]

If you're genuinely well-meaning, which I don't doubt, then you have no reason to worry too much about that. I'd say though, make sure she knows you're self-proclaimed especially bad at "caring", and make sure you have good two-way communication. Doesn't hurt to then make a bit of effort to improve that, but as long as you're upfront about it being a flaw, it should be fine.

I'm gonna halfway disagree with this. It is not enough to say you are bad at caring and then just let her take care of providing the loving in the relationship. If you are genuinely bad at showing you care, then there is something wrong that you need to learn.
(Edit: I realize that you don't advocate complacency, lio, which is why I mostly agree with you)

THAT SAID, there are many, many, MANY ways to show you care about someone, and not every way comes naturally to everyone. Some are really good at using their words positively, complimenting and pointing out commonalities. Some are really good at reading emotions and responding appropriately. Some show their love through practical favors, or gifts. I know my best friend loves me because she listens intently, remembers what I tell her, and takes me seriously. I know my dad loves me because I have never been in a jam he wouldn't help me out of. I know my brother loves me because he keeps inviting me to events carefully tailored to my interests. I know my mom loves me because she tells me and because she keeps drowning me in health supplements. I had a friend that I knew loved me because he was always excited to see me and greeted me with questions he'd been wanting my perspective on. My brother's girlfriend knows he loves her because he never hesitates to drive her places or make her lunch. I know my sister-in-law loves me because of the twinkle in her eye whenever she playfully insults me. Another friend always makes sure to invite me to things and send me funny memes when I am sad. My ex always cheerfully agreed to almost every date I suggested and always made time for me. My dad knows I love him because I bring him fancy craft beers and read up on the things he tells me. My other ex knew I loved him because I noticed his habits and went out of my way to accommodate them. With other friends, we reaffirm our love with inside jokes or by trash-talking bad exes or by supporting each other's silliest hobbies.

Honestly, if someone warned me upfront that they weren't good at caring, my response would be "bye". I don't want to feel unloved, and my heart hurts for the people who would be fine with that. But I am not picky about how people show their love for me, as long as they do it. A lot of people are the same way. We all have preferences (I just cannot with people who don't listen, no matter how kind or charming they might otherwise be), but people show and appreciate love in so many ways, and almost all of them are good and appreciated by a large chunk of people.

So don't waste your time figuring out how to explain or excuse yourself (unless you genuinely act in an uncaring manner, in which case please stay away from relationships for the time being). Spend it figuring out how you already do things - and maybe even how you prefer to have love shown to you. That is a much better conversation to have with a future partner.

Disclaimer: I spent years in a relationship with someone who claimed to love me but whose actions never reflected that fact. This may account for the fact that I have absolutely zero patience for the self-pitying "oh I'm so bad at showing love, so just take me at my word" spiel. Barf!

[Coidzor]

Learning about and discussing that whole 5 love languages stuff would probably be of use in such a context.

[Tzedorath]

Hey, everyone, first time replying here, but I read the whole thread. You guys seem an awesome bunch! Anyway, to the point...

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So, er. I could use some friendly advice, if someone can offer it. (If it's not appropiate or rude to ask for it, let me know, and I'll erase the reply).

I've been dating a girl since 6 months. We're not titled, since she doesn't like that (Talking about this would require a whole thread on itself, haha), but it's definitely more than casual. (We're exclusive). Unfortunately, a month back, her mom died due to complications derived from an accident. She had been bad for a while, and her death was..expected, as much as you can expect someone young to die like that.

Now, I feel terrible as I write this because I've been with her. I've supported her as best I could, gave her as much space as I should, we chatted every day since her mom died. But what's eating me is that...she doesn't want to kiss me. We used to be quite sexual, and I fully understand that she doesn't feel up to it, I can wait as long as needed. It's just that.. she doesn't avoid contact, we cuddle a lot, we see each other a lot too, but everytime she gives me a kiss it feels forced. I asked just once about it, and she told me to not worry, that it is not about me. But it's been a month, sex is one thing, but kissing or just a flirty text? What do you guys think? Should I be concerned? Am I being a selfish bastard? I could use a helping hand to help me sort out things. l

Thanks for reading!

[TechnOkami]

<- actually likes discussing, listening, trying to talk about things
*hides under a rock from glassmouse*

[FreddyNoNose]

To clarify,by "that guy" a meant the guy who doesn't care if someone is spoken for and considers them fair game, who will actively court someone in a relationship On the off chance she's looking to get out, who doesn't care about breaking up said relationship and dating whoever he can.

Ive seen guys tell women that they should break up with their current boyfriend and date (him) instead. It doesn't usually work but it sometimes does.

"That" guy.

When I was in the Navy, guys like that would often fall and get hurt.

[AliceLost]

Hey, everyone, first time replying here, but I read the whole thread. You guys seem an awesome bunch! Anyway, to the point...

Spoiler: spoiler!

Show

So, er. I could use some friendly advice, if someone can offer it. (If it's not appropiate or rude to ask for it, let me know, and I'll erase the reply).

I've been dating a girl since 6 months. We're not titled, since she doesn't like that (Talking about this would require a whole thread on itself, haha), but it's definitely more than casual. (We're exclusive). Unfortunately, a month back, her mom died due to complications derived from an accident. She had been bad for a while, and her death was..expected, as much as you can expect someone young to die like that.

Now, I feel terrible as I write this because I've been with her. I've supported her as best I could, gave her as much space as I should, we chatted every day since her mom died. But what's eating me is that...she doesn't want to kiss me. We used to be quite sexual, and I fully understand that she doesn't feel up to it, I can wait as long as needed. It's just that.. she doesn't avoid contact, we cuddle a lot, we see each other a lot too, but everytime she gives me a kiss it feels forced. I asked just once about it, and she told me to not worry, that it is not about me. But it's been a month, sex is one thing, but kissing or just a flirty text? What do you guys think? Should I be concerned? Am I being a selfish bastard? I could use a helping hand to help me sort out things. l

Thanks for reading!

The tough thing about maintaining a healthy relationship is that it involves balancing two separate people's needs. If her mum died last month, she's entitled to respond to that however she needs to. If that means not sleeping with you, not kissing you, or not flirty texting you, that's entirely her decision, and you don't get to try and rush her. Hopefully, you care about her enough to put her emotional recovery above your satisfaction.

However, there's never a guarantee that two people work out, and just as she doesn't owe you anything, you likewise don't have to owe her anything. If physical intimacy is important to you, and she's not able to provide that for you, it may end up that it is best to end the relationship and move on. Only you can make the determination of how long you wait.

But moving on from someone who can't give you what you need can be a healthy choice; staying and trying to pressure them into changing is not. I'm all about open communication in relationships, but the issues here seem pretty clear: when she's ready to move forward again with being intimate with you, she will, and until then, she will need time and support for the loss of her mother. Whether or not you can wait through that is up to you.

[DracoknightZero]

On the topic of changing people, dont expect it to happen.
Honestly i have burned myself on the notion that "If i stay strong things will get better" but in the end it backfired onto myself and i was the one that changed for the worse while they stayed the same. (Though i was the one being abused in this setting...)

So the determination of waiting is a double edges sword, either you wait until either of you "change", split your ways, or in the best case its a fleeting moment that you both managed to get through it without burning yourself out you will come stronger out of it. So the point is "Is it worth the wait/cost?"

But fow now, support her in her greif and search in yourself if you really want to go out on her now or wait and see if it makes you stronger in the end. This situation is rather hard... especially if you dont know how grief affect a person.

[Tzedorath]

But moving on from someone who can't give you what you need can be a healthy choice; staying and trying to pressure them into changing is not. I'm all about open communication in relationships, but the issues here seem pretty clear: when she's ready to move forward again with being intimate with you, she will, and until then, she will need time and support for the loss of her mother. Whether or not you can wait through that is up to you.

I know what you mean, and to be honest, it's not really physical intimacy what I was talking about. She was always a bit...aloof, when it came to a relationship. For example, when I told her what she thought about going serious, she said she never thought about that, and that it's not something that she can think about. I doubt that she ever said more than 3 or 4 nice things to me during the whole time we've been seeing each other. I suppose that what is happening now is just making old doubts that I was trying to keep in check resurface stronger. (Sounds really petty when I write it, I imagine, but I can't really help what I feel)

On the topic of changing people, dont expect it to happen.
So the determination of waiting is a double edges sword, either you wait until either of you "change", split your ways, or in the best case its a fleeting moment that you both managed to get through it without burning yourself out you will come stronger out of it. So the point is "Is it worth the wait/cost?"

Exactly. This is it. I'll remain and hope that it will be a fleeting moment. But doubts are relentless, and I can't always keep them in check.

[Prince Zahn]

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Honestly, you shouldn't be, or have been, going behind the back of this girl, but it also sounds like you should have cut yourself loose of her and gone on to more promising pastures.

It's pretty easy for someone who is legitimately interested in you to be more compassionate than someone who is capricious and cruel, as tends to be the case with someone who is only referred to as sweetheart and who actually has crises over whether they even want you in the first place. It's also really easy for someone who is simply present to outshine someone who is absent.

If you don't want sexts or nudes, you say so, directly, and don't say things like not being there yet, unless you really and truly mean that as you explore your sexuality and attraction to them.

Odds are good, you aren't as straight as you currently think you are or thought you were previously. There's still a chance you're one of those people who is biromantic and heterosexual though, I suppose.

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I would certainly have told her about him sooner, but I so rarely get a message from her, maybe once in a couple of months, if I'm lucky.

On a related note, it's not her who has these crises, it's me who would often be filled with doubts, because I don't see her as often as I'd love to, or like we used to before she went back to college. I genuinely care for her and she's always happy to see me on the rare occasions that we're both online, but I never know if I am truly important to her. There's no communication.

Biromantic and heterosexual? Forgive me for my ignorance but it never occurred to me that if I am heterosexual I could be much else. Does one not conflict with the other?

[georgie_leech]

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I would certainly have told her about him sooner, but I so rarely get a message from her, maybe once in a couple of months, if I'm lucky.

On a related note, it's not her who has these crises, it's me who would often be filled with doubts, because I don't see her as often as I'd love to, or like we used to before she went back to college. I genuinely care for her and she's always happy to see me on the rare occasions that we're both online, but I never know if I am truly important to her. There's no communication.

Biromantic and heterosexual? Forgive me for my ignorance but it never occurred to me that if I am heterosexual I could be much else. Does one not conflict with the other?

If you'll forgive the crudity a moment, who you want to bone and who you want to form lasting intimate (emotional) relationships with don't have to be the same thing.

[Prince Zahn]

If you'll forgive the crudity a moment, who you want to bone and who you want to form lasting intimate (emotional) relationships with don't have to be the same thing.

That's all I needed to know. I appreciate the honesty, blunt as it may be.
I guess I can see myself fitting into that term ("Bi-romantic Heterosexual"). At least for now. I don't plan on telling the world about it or anything, I don't even know if it'll always be this way. I don't even know if I could/would feel that way for any other man.

Thankfully, I don't need answers to those questions just yet, as I am rather content with where I am now thanks to everyone's advice. I spoke with him today and I think we're on the same page with our expectations.

Again, thank you all for listening to me I hope next time we speak it'll be on a brighter note.

[Coidzor]

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I would certainly have told her about him sooner, but I so rarely get a message from her, maybe once in a couple of months, if I'm lucky.

On a related note, it's not her who has these crises, it's me who would often be filled with doubts, because I don't see her as often as I'd love to, or like we used to before she went back to college. I genuinely care for her and she's always happy to see me on the rare occasions that we're both online, but I never know if I am truly important to her. There's no communication.

Biromantic and heterosexual? Forgive me for my ignorance but it never occurred to me that if I am heterosexual I could be much else. Does one not conflict with the other?

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Sounds like you need to just have a clean break. Frankly, it sounds like you have had a de facto breakup already, if you're not talking but 3-4 times a year. Then once you're a free agent, you can see about potentially continuing to talk to one another 3-4 times a year and, more importantly, have a better headspace for considering other people.

I know what you mean, and to be honest, it's not really physical intimacy what I was talking about. She was always a bit...aloof, when it came to a relationship. For example, when I told her what she thought about going serious, she said she never thought about that, and that it's not something that she can think about. I doubt that she ever said more than 3 or 4 nice things to me during the whole time we've been seeing each other. I suppose that what is happening now is just making old doubts that I was trying to keep in check resurface stronger. (Sounds really petty when I write it, I imagine, but I can't really help what I feel)

Exactly. This is it. I'll remain and hope that it will be a fleeting moment. But doubts are relentless, and I can't always keep them in check.

Less petty and more like you're with someone who doesn't value you and isn't giving you what you need and wasn't giving you what you needed even before this situation exacerbated it.

I have to recommend taking a good, hard look at this relationship and talking to her about intimacy and needs and whether she actually wants to be involved with you.

[Comrade]

Yeah, I mean, I get not all couples have to be talking to each other 100% of the time, but a message every couple of months? Jeez.

[WarKitty]

Next issue: how do I convince my mother that online relationships aren't a bad thing? My mother seems to be firmly in the school that people on the internet are probably lying and meeting up with someone you met on the internet is a super-dangerous activity.

[lylsyly]

Next issue: how do I convince my mother that online relationships aren't a bad thing? My mother seems to be firmly in the school that people on the internet are probably lying and meeting up with someone you met on the internet is a super-dangerous activity.

The chances of someone lying to you on the net are actually better than average, so your mom is right.
Meeting someone you only know from the net HAS proven to be dangerous at times, so your mom is right.

Now having got through the mom thing, it depends on what you are looking for. I have had an online relationship with a girl I "met" playing Tradewars 2002 way back in 2003. We chat almost daily (in game), have dropped emails with pics, more intimate conversations, her inviting me to her wedding, yada yada. Her husband not only knows about me, we talk about things a bit through email as well. I have become really found of both of them, couldn't care less if I ever get to IRL meet them, and they feel the same way (although every time she pops a bun outa the oven I do get another invite).

One the other hand, I have met guys here locally online and things can get iffy real quick when you do hook-up, people do outright lie, puff themselves up, exaggerate, ect. and when you finally meet IRL you CAN tell. Of course there are those who do not misrepresent themselves, straight up about what they like and desire, and when you do finally meet everything is cool.

Did I just circle the whole issue? Yeah, probably. Two key points; 1. BE CAREFUL, 2. have fun.

just my 2 coppers, YMMV.

Dan

[WarKitty]

I mean, sure, it has risks, but...my mother seems to be in the camp that any man showing interest in a woman online is probably a creepy pervert lying about his identity. Her response to me saying we're meeting up was literally a shudder and "ew creepy."

[Ifni]

Yeah - it has risks, but so does almost everything. I'm pretty sure driving a car is a much more dangerous activity. Just meet in a public place for at least the first few times, make sure you have a way to get home that doesn't depend on the other person, get their real name before you meet and do a basic search to check there are no red flags or obvious discrepancies with what they've told you.

As for your mother - worrying parents will pretty much always worry, and it doesn't have to be rational. (When I was a teenager, my dad didn't want me to cross the street to go to a friend's place after dark. It was literally 100m away, well lit, and in a very quiet residential neighborhood. He got over it eventually.) But one of my closest friends recently got married to a woman he met through online dating, and I've arranged meet-ups and accommodations with friends from purely-online friendships on three continents, and never had any trouble. You could perhaps show her articles like this one?

https://www.bustle.com/articles/1055...study-and-more

I'm pretty sure googling will find you many more like those. Good luck!

[dehro]

Next issue: how do I convince my mother that online relationships aren't a bad thing? My mother seems to be firmly in the school that people on the internet are probably lying and meeting up with someone you met on the internet is a super-dangerous activity.

People lie everywhere, on the internet more than elsewhere. That said, I've been living together with my girlfriend for 4 months now and met her on p okcupid. I've been gaming with the same group of d&d players turned friends for the last 3 years, and met them answering an online forum add. I spent 3 years in England meeting people mostly from online and am still friends with some of them.
Yes, I've met or at least talked with my fair share of weirdos and lost causes, but on average I'd say that the internet has provided me with more than enough friends, social interaction, help and human contact to make up for that.
Of course this is the testimony of a random guy from the internet, so I don't expect your mother to trust it, or me.. Sort of a catch 22 situation there.. Can't really help you..
Is your mother on Facebook?

[Glass Mouse]

Do you have to convince her? It doesn't sound like she keeps you from meeting up with anyone you want. It is okay to let her feel whatever she wants to feel about it, as long as she doesn't badger you about it.

Sadly there's no easy way to convince someone who hasn't updated her online knowledge since the 90ies. Dehro asked whether your mom is on Facebook - that could be a good start! My mom really got over her fear of online interaction when she found a few neighbouring trade-and-buy groups on Facebook. That's kinda jumping off the deep end, though, so if your mom's fear is rooted in fear of technology in general, start by introducing her to some of the useful stuff like online auctions or yelps or other peer-to-peer online resources. That might get her in the habit of generally seeing online interaction as useful and benevolent.
If your mom is the reasonable type, she might also benefit from having the online culture explained, including whatever safety precautions you take (e.g. how to spot a liar/faker profile, always meet in a public place, how to protect your privacy, etc.). Showing her that you are fully aware of the risks - so aware that you can teach her a lot - might make her feel more confident in your judgment. That is, again, if she is a reasonable person. Very anxious and controlling people might seize on any concessions as proof that they are totally right.
Introducing her to the people you meet online might also help. Or getting in the habit of mentioning casual and good friends you've met online, if you have any.

But again, as long as she doesn't actively impact your ability to do what you want, it is totally okay to just let her have whatever feelings she has. The longer you go without getting axe murdered in an alley, the more she will relax about the subject. It is okay to just wait it out.

If she keeps badgering you and refusing to listen to reason (that is, if she is an unreasonable person), your new best friends are "I will take that into consideration. So how about that [subject change]?" and "I hear that you're feeling anxious, but I'm actually on top of this, so how is [person you were telling me about earlier] doing?" and "Okay. [silence]". Deflect, change the subject, don't engage in discussions or defenses, just go about your conversation.

[lio45]

I mean, sure, it has risks, but...my mother seems to be in the camp that any man showing interest in a woman online is probably a creepy pervert lying about his identity. Her response to me saying we're meeting up was literally a shudder and "ew creepy."

Well, we're talking about a guy that you've known online for years... with whom you've skyped a lot, etc. Does your mom know all of that? It changes the situation, IMO.

There's also a generation gap factor at play here. The internet is to people in their early 20s what bars were to their parents. Back then, there were also risks to getting to know better a random guy you just met who looked like a nice person, yet people still did it (chances are your mom did as well).

Also, if she genuinely thinks a serious online relationship with that one vetted-over-years guy is creepy, then she'd probably run out of words to describe the outrageous inappropriateness of my sincere offer to kindly drop you off at his place for free on my way to Florida!! :p

[lio45]

The chances of someone lying to you on the net are actually better than average, so your mom is right

But the chances of someone managing to keep lies going successfully through years of significant mutual interaction are very low.

Even someone you meet in person could "lie". They could pretend to be educated, rich, unmarried, etc. just long enough to get you in bed with them.

That's a fact of life that extends well beyond just the sphere of romantic relationships; there are plenty of crooked people out there, and through your life you will certainly cross the paths of a few of them. It's up to you to try to detect that kind of thing. A healthy relationship by default involves lots of communication so there isn't much room or opportunity for lies anyway. Online or not.

[WarKitty]

But the chances of someone managing to keep lies going successfully through years of significant mutual interaction are very low.

Even someone you meet in person could "lie". They could pretend to be educated, rich, unmarried, etc. just long enough to get you in bed with them.

That's a fact of life that extends well beyond just the sphere of romantic relationships; there are plenty of crooked people out there, and through your life you will certainly cross the paths of a few of them. It's up to you to try to detect that kind of thing. A healthy relationship by default involves lots of communication so there isn't much room or opportunity for lies anyway. Online or not.

That was kind of my thought.

We started chatting with no intent of romantic relationship - in fact it was four years of chatting before any sort of romantic relationship or in-person meeting was agreed upon. That would be a long time to wait for someone with ill intent.

We're both in a situation where we've expressed desire to wait for sex until marriage. That removes one big motivation to lie

Skype and webcams make it much harder to lie about age than the days where internet was text only. It's one thing to lie over text - it's quite another to fake a webcam.

Really, the rules for meeting up with a guy you met on the internet aren't any different from meeting a guy you met at the bar or whatever other group social activity our parents met at.



My mother does have a facebook but she just uses it to look at cute animal pictures - she doesn't really seem to form relationships or talk to people on it, at least not people that she hasn't already met in real life.

[WarKitty]

So my mother has definitely situated herself in the "there's no such thing as a real long-distance relationship" camp. Basically her view is that unless you've been talking to someone in real life, you don't know them. Skype and such don't really count.

Which is partly explaining her anxiety - she thinks I should look for a local guy instead of getting involved with someone who is far away from me.

[Icewraith]

So my mother has definitely situated herself in the "there's no such thing as a real long-distance relationship" camp. Basically her view is that unless you've been talking to someone in real life, you don't know them. Skype and such don't really count.

Which is partly explaining her anxiety - she thinks I should look for a local guy instead of getting involved with someone who is far away from me.

Ok, so one party flies out and meets the other party in person, boom, you've talked to them in person, it's a Long Distance Relationship.

Bonus points: If you fly out to meet the other person, what if things get really serious and you move out there to live with the guy? You'll only have Random Internet Guy there to abuse you instead of your own mother! What if you replace her endless verbal demeaning of your person with someone who gives you breakfast in bed and orgasms (if you decide not to wait)? The horror!