Radikalskippy's Random Banter #85 of lost ideas and where to find them...

[FdL]

You should see my friends cat! He literally sits in front of his eating bowl and takes handfuls of food with his hand (with a thumb) and moves it toward his mouth, sometimes balancing it and bringing it up to his face.

It's like the ending of the word. But it's a cat with thumbs!

Ok. I draw the line here.

There's no way I'm going to allow cats to evolve into the dominant species of the planet. Far fetched? Just see. You know, one day it's opposable thumbs, then it's walking upright and the use of tools. The next thing you know is we're bowing down to someone who coughs furballs... :p

And cats, of all people... :S

[FdL]

This cat must be either the next step on the evolutionary ladder or part of a secret breeding plan trying to create catgirls.

*suddenly realizes*

...except catgirls, of course. Catgirls are ok. Can we have just catgirls?

Besides, in case it turns out wrong, we already know how to dispose of them.

Edit: Yeah, I'm cat-sexist and double-poster. I apologize only for the second :)

[Ceska]

Besides, in case it turns out wrong, we already know how to dispose of them.

There's only two problems in there. First, if it evolved naturally, there's no way science will have a negative effect. Second, you'll either have a hybrid culture form you have to breed every time from the earlier forms (like mules or certain forms of grain for example) or catboys too. Only catgirls is unrealistic.

Oh, yeah, and millions of years humankind will probably not survive or at least not with the same fetishes to evolve.

Besides that:

You know, one day it's opposable thumbs, then it's walking upright and the use of tools.

Can't be the only thing you need to evolve into a dominant species, certain kinds of apes already do that. Opposable thumbs -> most apes. Walking upright -> Chimpanzees, at least certain kinds. Use of tools -> Chimpanzees, Orang Utans.

[Yiel]

*snip*

Can't be the only thing you need to evolve into a dominant species, certain kinds of apes already do that. Opposable thumbs -> most apes. Walking upright -> Chimpanzees, at least certain kinds. Use of tools -> Chimpanzees, Orang Utans.

I'll have to get a picture of my friend's boyfriend... once you've seen him there will be no doubt in your mind that humans are, in fact, very closely related to Apes.

[FdL]

Can't be the only thing you need to evolve into a dominant species, certain kinds of apes already do that. Opposable thumbs -> most apes. Walking upright -> Chimpanzees, at least certain kinds. Use of tools -> Chimpanzees, Orang Utans.

Well, I thought of copy-pasting a couple of exhaustive articles I found on the subject of evolution, but I think it wouldn't have made the joke funnier. :|

Oh, yeah, and millions of years humankind will probably not survive or at least not with the same fetishes to evolve.

Now that's true. :|

[SDF]

So I had some chores to do earlier and my little brother wanted to use my computer to play Guild Wars. I think, okay not my bag, but sure go ahead. Later when I'm done I come back and notice he had a weird looking cape. "What's that a picture of?" I ask. "Chuck Norris," he tells me, "I'm in the Guild of Chuck Norris."

Spoiler

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BROTHER FOR SALE

'94 model
Up to date on shots
15% discount if you mention this add
PM SDF for price and shipping details

[Yiel]

Does he do chores SDF?

And can I keep him in a cage in my gingerbread house?

[Serpentine]

Oh man, I want a gingerbread house

[Penguinizer]

Hmm, I know I actually had something to post here, but I kinda forgot it.

Can your brother be sold to a sweatshop SDF?

[SDF]

He can use a dishwasher and vacuum... might want to buy a cattle prod as incentive though.

I thought about taking the sweatshop route, but who has time for that kind of paperwork?

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

I thought about taking the sweatshop route, but who has time for that kind of paperwork?

There also isn't to much market in sweat actually, most people have more than enough of their own. The stocks showed, that like paper and pens, it is stationary in it's price.

[SDF]

Oh, thank gods it's you! Death, are you sure you don't want to take my brother?

[Yiel]

Have you considered asking the Goblin King to take your little brother SDF?

Of course this might lead to a stroll through a labyrinth and romantic moments with the aforementioned goblin king if you ever want him back...

[SDF]

Have you considered asking the Goblin King to take your little brother SDF?

Of course this might lead to a stroll through a labyrinth and romantic moments with the aforementioned goblin king if you ever want him back...

Well, hopefully I don't remind him of the babe.
what babe
The babe with the power
what power
The power of voodoo
who do
You do

Now look what you made me do. :P

[Krade]

Cats can have thumbs: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polydactyl_cat

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IIRC, there are a (relatively) large number of those cats here in Key West. And (IIRC (again)) many of them are the "Hemmingway cats" that live on the grounds of the house Ernest Hemmingway lived in during his time spent here. Key West is just chock (CHOCK I TELL YOU!) full of neat little historical facts about many famous people. Including, but not limited to: Ernest Hemmingway, Tennessee Williams, Shel Silverstien, Jimmy Buffet (who my friend's dad actually played a prank on one time), President Truman, another president (maybe, I can't remember), and probably some others I can't remember. Too bad with how interesting its history is, it is now a little piece of crap island that is basically a tropical Aspen.

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

Oh, thank gods it's you! Death, are you sure you don't want to take my brother?

What are friends for?

*googles*

Ah, NDA means non-disclosure agreement. I always was bad at remembering acronyms.

[Ceska]

I'll have to get a picture of my friend's boyfriend... once you've seen him there will be no doubt in your mind that humans are, in fact, very closely related to Apes.

Is he by any chance outer left defender of the United States Soccer U20 team? Nothing against him, he just reminded me.

Brother for Sale.

Well, Mauthausen isn't that far away from here... Okay, that one was a bit too cruel.

[Rawhide]

How many different guitars can you play?


EDIT: Even better!

[CurlyKitGirl]

Holy !That guy is flipping mazing. There's nothing else to say.

[Rawhide]

I want to learn to play this instrument.

[CurlyKitGirl]

I want to learn to play this instrument.

That is even cooler. How did he/she/they manage to do that? It must have taken ages to get that instrument to do that. *mouth fall open from sheer amazement*

[Archonic Energy]

aparantly it's a self test demo...

it is cool though.

[Ceres]

Cats can have thumbs: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polydactyl_cat

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Indeed cats can even have hands. I'd advice you to stay away from those, though. If you like having a tongue, that is.

[CurlyKitGirl]

That video is creepy. Cool certainly, fantastic animation but that doesn't stop it from being disturbing though.

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

Heh, this site gave me a laff. Real headlines that weren't thought over well.

Some are just slips of the tongue

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
* Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* William Kelly was fed secretary
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
* Farmer bill dies in house
* Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

* Queen Mary having bottom scraped
* Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes appeal to Pope
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines

* Eye drops off shelf
* Squad helps dog bite victim
* Dealers will hear car talk at noon
* Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
* Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
* Miners refuse to work after death
* Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
* Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:

* Never withhold herpes from loved one
* Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
* Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

* If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
* War dims hope for peace
* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
* Cold wave linked to temperatures
* Child's death ruins couple's holiday
* Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
* Man is fatally slain
* Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
* Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

[CurlyKitGirl]

Death those are incredibly funny. Try these:

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strike Idles Kids
Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

What site did you get yours from? By the way, some of the headlines you used were on the website I used too.

[Penguinsushi]

Those are great, Death.

Edit: those too, Curly

~PS

[Death, your friend the Reaper]

What site did you get yours from? By the way, some of the headlines you used were on the website I used too.

I'm not to sure, I can't find where the history button is for internet explorer (Yeah, thats me, the 1337 computer master) Found a few more that I posted on my msn conversation, will relay here.

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case."

From The Times:
A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'

And last but not least:

In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. 'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be,' whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane.

(I love the ending to that one)

[CurlyKitGirl]

That was funny. Especially the Henry one. Here's a probably spoof article about the Pilbury Doughboy:

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:
Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pilsbury spokesman. The Pilsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus, they had a bun in the oven. His elderly father, Pop Tart, also survives him.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects; including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, and The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, as well as Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. He rose quickly in show business, yet his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie; wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes, until done. Truly, a sad day.

This is your type of story. Puns aplenty.

[Penguinizer]

Death and Curly, those rule!!

Heh, Miners refuse to work after death.

Legendary. I'm in a great mood.