The GM is an idiot

[Quxelopqr]

IC: Kam walks into the bar, and sits down to listen to the halfling's story. He seems wary of the undead wizard, and keeps his Bible handy, ready to turn it at a moments notice.

OOC: Quxelopqr chuckles to himself at the note passing. "Oh come on guys, let's hear what mary sue harry potter has to say."

[Koga]

OOC:
"Hey Bayar, you know any fire spells?"

IC:
John John shakes his hand. "Thanks! Me'sa so clumsy! Me'sa would love to make it up to you and help you destroy the orcs! Are they bad?"

[Bayar]

OOC: yeah, Lesser orb of fire.

IC: I cast a spell at the ambulant corpse. (the one above)
Damage: (1d8)[3] And you should spontaneouslty combust right about...now.
The raven says: burn ***** burn ! (this was self censored BTW)

[Silkenfist]

OOC: Silkenfist keeps hopping around on the chair, reading Koga's note. When he feels like someone is watching him, he quickly puts it away, immediately forgetting, where exactly he had put it. Eagerly, he chimes in: "Ooh, Ooh, Dangalf does something too. He takes a bucket of water, throws it at the burning corpse-ting, then casts Feather Fall on it, so it gently falls, quenching the fire."

IC: "Anyone here called for a... wizard?"

OOC: Silkenfist turns around to the others, smiling broadly and begging for applause.

[Koga]

OOC:
"Silkenfist what were you thinking?! Uhhh...wasting spell-slots like that... It's...Uhhh... It's too early, to be using up all your spell-slots. Be more conservative with your spells next time..."

Koga scribbles a small note and gives it to Bayar.

Ok, the little one is useless.

[MrEdwardNigma]

Out-Game
"Now what did I just say, Bayar? Harry Rotter is a player character! My player character! He is not evil! At least Silkenfist is still paying attention. Also, bayar, you have no raven. I don't know where you get this stuff, really""
As Hank says this he looks at Silkenfist who is hopping around on his chair rather worriedly.

In-Game
You cast fireball at Harry Rotter for some reason but luckily Silkenfist immediately puts it out.
"Thanks, sir wizard! You are mighty brave! Would you like to join me and this man here on our quest to destroy those foul Orcs and their dark lord?"

[The Necroswanso]

Necroswanson rolls his eyes.

"Shouldn't play with fire dear sir. You might burn the tavern down."

[Silkenfist]

OOC: Silkenfist clenches his fist under the table, withholding a cry of triumph. This time when he brushes against the table, the soda cans even remain standing. Happily, he looks around the table and speaks in a mock adult voice and mimicks stroking a beard, only emphasizing the fact that he lacks both the hair and voice to do so accurately.

IC: "Why yes, good sir. I see you are a good man. I shall join you on your quest to..."

OOC: Silkenfist stops and looks around. Nervously he leans over to one of the other players and whispers: "What was the quest again?"

[Quxelopqr]

IC:"Kill some orcs and stop a dark lord." Kam finishes for him. "I'll come along as well, throwing fireballs all over, you'll likely need a healer."

OOC: Qux said his piece and waits for a response. Finally, some plot.

[The Necroswanso]

"If you're in great need of help, I'm sure my ability to make the dead arise may come in handy."

Necroswanson considers his comment a moment. Hank's book seemed to be having him work things backwards, or atleast, he chose to do so.
"Please Hank, refresh my memory. What do you mean by, I can turn dead things into undead. Do you mean like Harry Rotter over there and I can make zombies, and morgs, and wights; or do you mean I simply make them not dead anymore?"

[MrEdwardNigma]

Out-Game
"Well, Necroswanso, a necromancer can turn dead things, like a skeleton or a corpse, into an undead thing, like a skeleton or a zombie! Isn't that just awesome?"

In-Game
"Very well, that makes us six! Would anyone else like to join our group? perhaps we can even take the perilous quest this innkeeper here is offering, or perhaps we could talk to that mysterious stranger in the black cloak who's smoking a pipe in the corner of the room"

[The Necroswanso]

or perhaps we could talk to that mysterious stranger in the black cloak who's smoking a pipe in the corner of the room"

(((OW!)))



"Oh ofcourse, it all makes sense now. Got it."
Inner monologue-> *What's his angle? There's something he's up to.*

[Bayar]

OOC: Now this game would lead to flaming IMO...I am considering a withdraw. I mean, no raven familiar?!? Is this guy a total moron ? Why the **** would I make a wizard in the first place? And since when can a wizard cast create water? It is a ****ing divine spell not a ****ing arcane spell.

Out-game: I have a raven FAMILIAR. Look at the wizard class description.


In-game: Ok. I will join you. Just dont expect me to save your bony ass anytime.

[Silkenfist]

OOC: Is this guy a total moron ?

((*silently points to the title of the thread*))

In-Game: ...on your quest to kill the Orcs, right. Where do we start?
Out-Game: Seeing there is no combat already, Silkenfist's attention fades somewhat. Absent-mindedly he takes a small piece of paper and starts doodling on it.

[Bayar]

OOC: ****. :suicide:

[chrono]

chrono looks around the room for a moment. What do you need a familiar for? Those things are damn near useless - you can't kill stuff with them and you sure as hell can't snatch loot... On the other hand you did get a staff, and Everybody knows wizards fly on their staffs.
Chrono winks at Bayar. It is somewhat obvious that he's trying to see if playing a bard made him king of the bluff.

So anyway, Drek pulls the strings of his lute to attract attention.
Are you sure you want to hear an epic legend? I mean I've picked up lots of dwarven songs about beer and bar brawls.
He then gives Harry a glance.
You'll need someone in this quest who knows how to find places and people of importance. Everybody knows we bards are unbeaten in that regard.
After the people in the tavern have pretty much settled down, Drek starts off with a catchy tune on his lute:

Long ass f*** time ago in a town called Kickapoo
There lived a humble family, religious through and through
But yey there was a black sheep and he knew just what to do...

If Drek doesn't get interrupted the tale continues to describe the adventures of a young man who went off into the big world. There is surprisingly few battles in this story, but the hero gets plenty of praise, rewards and loot throughout the epic. Virgins too, lots of virgins.

[Bayar]

Add some CC skill points in Use magic device, and presto ! If your familiar can speak common, it can use wands. and other magical items. And it uses YOUR use magic device modifier.

And it is long ass ****ing time ago. Dont **** with Teanacious D's lyrics.

[chrono]

Chrono shakes his head, his bluff being called. He then shrugs:

The epic is told through the bard's perspective. Looking at Drek's stats you would probably know he's not one to care for grammar or correctness of any kind.

[Koga]

OOC:
"Looking at ALL OUR STATS you would probably know we're not one to care for grammar or correctness of any kind..."

IC:
"Well what'sa we waiting for?! There's some bad-men to stop!"


OOC:
"Yo GM, there's really been no description what exactly makes the orcs bad. I mean sure they're orcs, and they got a leader, whoopty friggin doo. So does every culture. I mean what do these guys do that's evil? Do they throw babies in volcanos to appease their fire god? Do they rape our women? Do they have Obama posts in their yard? I'm rolling a friggin skillcheck on my knowledge of orcs and their culture to see what makes them so incredibly evil..."
(1d20)[14]

[Silkenfist]

OOC: Silkenfist stares at Koga with a blank expression, waiting for a few seconds whether he would explain what he said. "But...they are Orcs...aren't they?" He keeps staring at Koga with a puzzled expression, not knowing what his actual point is.

[The Necroswanso]

Necroswanson sighs.
"It's safe to assume Bayar that he's playing with a defective copy. Just roll with it until you find out what your staff is good for."


"They probably eat babies. Human babies. They taste like cookies."

[Koga]

OOC:
"We should all roll a knowledge check to see what we know about orcs, we could piece together what we know, and use that as a tactical advantage against them. Like are they more solitary or do they huddle together in big family units? What sortof weapons do they use? Are they adept in more primitive magics like wildshape?


We don't want to get caught off guard, I don't trust the rotting flesh wizard. I mean sure he's a good guy... apparently... but he's undead, he's probably forgotten how easily it is to die when your mortal and have internal organs and crap holding you back!"

[Koga]

OOC:
"We should all roll a knowledge check to see what we know about orcs, we could piece together what we know, and use that as a tactical advantage against them. Like are they more solitary or do they huddle together in big family units? What sortof weapons do they use? Are they adept in more primitive magics like wildshape?


We don't want to get caught off guard, I don't trust the rotting flesh wizard. I mean sure he's a good guy... apparently... but he's undead, he's probably forgotten how easily it is to die when your mortal and have internal organs and crap holding you back!"

[Silkenfist]

OOC: Silkenfist just keeps staring, nothing what Koga said made any sense to him. "But we... we can just look online. There is the System... System Retro Document. There we can read just that." He feels a little bit of pride, telling an older gamer something. Still he wonders whether Koga could really be as dumb as his questions.

[Koga]

OOC:
Koga puts his feet up on the table and kicksback.

"Ok fine, don't listen to me. Infact I think I'll stay safely in the tavern while you all go fight an army of orcs and their savage leader when we know nothing about them. I'm sure you'll do fine..."


"I have plans, but I'm not going to tell you them unless either
A) Out of the grace of God a chick gamer comes through that door.
Or B) I'm promised all the good ****..."

[MrEdwardNigma]

OOC: Now this game would lead to flaming IMO...I am considering a withdraw. I mean, no raven familiar?!? Is this guy a total moron ? Why the **** would I make a wizard in the first place? And since when can a wizard cast create water? It is a ****ing divine spell not a ****ing arcane spell.

Out-game: I have a raven FAMILIAR. Look at the wizard class description.


In-game: Ok. I will join you. Just dont expect me to save your bony ass anytime.

OOC: Bayar, you're taking this way too seriously. I suspected so when I saw your last OOC post, but it's pretty obvious now. It's a comedy game! It's not about who ahs the most awesome character, it's about having fun. Were it about having awesome characters I wouldn't have given Chrono such a horribly underpowered pre-made, nor would I have given Hank such a terribly overpowered GM PC (In fact, he wouldn't have one at all were this a serious game...). If you're not going to be able to behave and enjoy this game, I strongly suggest you bend out. Also, Dangalf never used a water spell, he simply used a convenient bucket of water nearby, which the GM allowed because it was convenient.

Out-Game
"I haven't got to that part of the book yet, Bayar... Just get on with the game, will you? Oh, and as for what the Orcs do, people, all of the above. The baby eating, throwing them in volcanoes, raping, LARPing, everything... I'll check your knowledge check to see if you know anything more about them..."

Hank takes out a sheet of paper and starts scribbling on it, pearls of sweat appearing on his head.
"Right, so 14 as luck score, add the zero and the four for wisdom... Carry the one... Difficulty class 10... One extra bit of information for every extra 5..."
He looks up rather pleased with himself and wipes his forehead.

In-Game
John John remembers that while the Orcs live in large clans most of the ones in the dark lord's army travel around as relatively small warbands or guard encampments in larger numbers. The Orcs worship the dark lord as their god and disobedience to him is a mortal sin. They will give their lives for him.

The people in the bar cheer for the bard and ask for another tale, but they do suggest a little bit more violence. The belt lashing alone wasn't quite enough.

"Yes, I agree, we should destroy the Orcs! But we cant just go over there and kill them, we should have a plan... Maybe we should even get some experience before engaging the Orcs?"

[Koga]

OOC:
"Wander around outside and level-up?! Did someone teleport me into a final fantasy campaign?! Blaaaah!"

Koga thinks to himself how if they're small orc bands, the PCs could easily take out the armies one by one. Even if the lord sends all his men after them they'll be expecting that, and the orcs don't know we got wizards...

Koga also knows that his party is never gonna' give him ****! So he rubs his hands together and sneers under his breath.


"I have a plan! And it doesn't involve wandering around outside and leveling up!

I will disguise myself as a beautiful human harem, yes.. and you will take me to the orc camp as sortof a gift, think trojan horse Only... it's a transvestite...

Anyway, once I get in there, I can assasinate the orc lord while his guard is down, preffbly when he's naked and my poison daggers can stab his soft fleshy parts...


Without the orc lord, the orcs will erupt in anarchy! They need a pack leader..

From then on we can just slaughter them or leave them to rip eachother's hair out, it doesn't really matter, tthis plan is fool-proof!"


In-character JohnJohn explains the plan in suggestive mannerisms and slang terms. Then goes to put on his "diguise". It's implied that though the PCs see what JohnJohn looks like under the mask, those out of of character will never know, leaving anything to the immagination.


"There! Mwahahaha! Those orcs are gonna' get rick-rolled!"

[MrEdwardNigma]

Out-Game
"Riiiiiight... The orc lord is the dark lord, right? Even though he's, like, not really an orc? Aaaaaand your character wants to kill him right now? In the beginning of the game? Despite the fact he lives deep within the orc lands and is the most well guarded person alive? And rumored to be immortal? Well, I didn't tell you about that yet, but I assumed you weren't going to try killing him right away. He's all the way across the continent, you guys! Also, I'll need a disguise roll for that disguise... A reeeeeaaaally good one"

In-Game
Harry laughs at John John's suggestion.

[Koga]

OOC:
".......Well I'm keeping the disguise on. Even us amoral rogues like to feel pretty once in awhile...."

[Silkenfist]

OOC: Silkenfist takes his chair and shuffles away from Koga as far as possible. This WAS getting scary. He tries to think of a good offbeat comment for Koga's...plan. Failing to come up with one, he starts doodling again, drawing an anatomically modified version of John John while trying to get his voice into character again.

IC: Fool of a Binks! We are heroes. And heroes don't dress up to... to... to go to bed with the villains. We shall rightly defeat them with our powers.

OOC: No, really? Silkenfist had calmed down somewhat. Why can't we just go out and attack these... he fails to remember what the Knowledge check had yielded.these groups of Orcs. And if they're too big for us, we'll move on and look for a group we can beat until we level up.