Funny D&D Stories

[onoitsryan]

so my party had just gone through a fun little maze underneath a mountain and came out the other side. a little ways away there is a villiage, they go to the village to find that all the people have been turned to animals and all the animals to people. first stop is always the tavern, they get in there and find that sitting on the bar is a chicken. one of the members is half-assimar or something like that and can speak with absolutely anything. questions start flying, the chicken can still understand the human speach just can't talk. a thoroughly inhebriated party member asks if the chicken will scratch words on the ground, by this time the chicken was sick of dealing with the falling over drunk and scratched "HI" into his arm. the drunk not finding this very funny tried to give the chicken a drink and ended up drowning him. to this day he is known as chicken killer. after the chicken had been killed one of our party members (a modified gelatinous cube) "ate him". the drunken master then proceded to rob the bar of most of its liqour.

when typed out this isn't nearly as funny as being there, unfortunately that is how most of the stories go.

[Talon Sky]

Two funny stories that just happened the other night.

Okay, I'm DMing for a group of friends and my gf. My gf is an elven ranger/duskblade, and the others in the group are a gnome rogue and a Dog Hegnoeki (the transforming race from Oriental Adventures) Samurai. The Samurai's biggest thing is he has a ring of blink and a ton of skill points in Iaijutsu, so basically a Kenshin rip off ;p I was also NPCing a dwarf fighter to help them along.

So right at the beginning of the game, the group comes across a lone elven warrior, my 'plot-hook' with the info to get to the dungeon. The rogue makes peace with him, and the Samurai uses sense motive, which he failed by low rolling. So because of the botched roll, he doesn't trust the NPC. Just the way that player thinks.

So the NPC explains the attack plan, what they're after, etc. The Samurai's player, still leery of me, says,

Samurai: Okay, we'll follow. But no funny business....no clown shoes!

I wasn't sure where that came from, but it was funny....and I'm an ass. I told him, because he didn't make an OoC signal, his character actually said "no clown shoes!" I roll a reaction roll for the NPC....

And roll a 1.

DM (me): The elf stares at you, then regretfully removes a pair of long, colorful shoes from his feet and tosses them in the fire. They burn with a merry Squeak.

-----

So they get to the end of the dungeon and find a huge room with the opposite wall being entirely made of a 'mirror'....in reality, it's a portal into a pocket dimension that sucks you in if you're thrown in. It holds a good chunk of prisoners in it, suspended in stasis.

The father of the elven ranger walks in, who I've NPCed the whole campaign as a mysterious elf duskblade, insanely powerful and with an agenda....including manipulating his daughter, blah blah. He also has two drow guards, pretty mean suckers of my own design.

First round, the BBEG teleports. Appears in the middle of the group and starts a-swinging. The players scatter after he deals a chunk of damage to the ranger, and the drow move in. This is gonna be one hell of a slugfest!

Well, the Samurai does what he always does....blinks. Appears right above the BBEG and tries to pull an Iaijutsu, which usually does tons of extra d6's of damage.

He rolls a one.

Seeing a chance to make my BBEG awesome-er, I say he snaps his hand up, grabs the Samurai's wrist in mid-air, and twists to make him drop his katana. He then drops the Samurai down to the ground

DM (me): Hehe, crit failures suck, don't they?
Samurai: *smiles and doesn't say anything*

Next round:
DM: You gonna stand up? It's a move action.
Samurai: Nope. I wanna grapple his ankle.
DM: Um, okay then....*rolls opposed checks, I fail by a few points* Fine, but it's a weak hold.
Samurai: I blink towards the mirror wall, just close enough so the duskblade is in it.

Son of a b****. I'm pretty sure that broke a rule or two, but I let it slide for epicness. Without my wonderful BBEG buff machine, the drow went down (not without a fight). Everyone cheered on the Samurai after the game ^_^

[Andrath]

I have a session coming up tomorrow, so I hope that I get some juicy new story to tell. Either way, it's fun for me.

[The Glyphstone]

DM (me): The elf stares at you, then regretfully removes a pair of long, colorful shoes from his feet and tosses them in the fire. They burn with a merry Squeak.

The father of the elven ranger walks in, who I've NPCed the whole campaign as a mysterious elf duskblade, insanely powerful and with an agenda....including manipulating his daughter, blah blah. He also has two drow guards, pretty mean suckers of my own design.

Confused...is the elf a boy or a girl? Or are there multiple elven rangers in this story?

[Derjuin]

I had a rather funny experience as a DM attempting to wing an adventure once. There were kobolds in a cave that thought pumice was actually an enchanted stone, because of how light it is. Because they don't know what
pumice is, though, they call it "spongestone" because, well, it looks like a sponge.

The characters (all two of them) were both dwarves, so I told them they knew that "pumice" was the dwarven word for "spongestone". One of the characters makes a big deal out of this, and deduces that the cave must be in a volcanic region, to which he asks "What do they call the volcano then? Big fiery mountain that spits out red stuff?"

My response? "No, they call it a volcano."


...We all thought it was funny

[darkPrince010]

Hey everybody!
I used to do pseudo-D&D games with a Boy Scout troop I was part of (Basically, we didn't use the books and fudged all the rules we could remember...), and we had some interesting adventures.

One of the most memorable was one of the first true dungeons I ever had them travel in. It was a typical wizard's tower, complete with monsters, traps, etc, and the players were 2 fighters, 1 or 2 wizards/druids, and 2 thieves.
On one of the levels midway up, they encountered a timed lightning trap between two mystical blue crystal orbs, which they managed to shatter (almost killing a player in the process), and took the dust. They used the powdered crystal dust to poison (and subsequently explode) some orcs on the enxt level.
On the 3rd to last level, they were ambushed by a pair of orcs with repeating ballistas (Giant crossbows that fired arrows shotgun-style). My pyro-happy group lobbed a pair of molotov cocktails made from oil containers, flambeing both orcs and one of the ballistas. This was the point at which I made my first "mistake" as DM:
Player 1: "So, the second ballista is in okay condition, right?"
Me: "Uh, yeah."
Player 2: "Is it bolted to the floor?"
Me: "Uh, no."
Player 1 and 2 simultaneously: "We pick it up and carry it with us."

They carried a 100 lb repeating ballista up 2 flights of stairs, to the top of the tower where the wizard was in the middle of summoning a demon. I had already rolled his stats and what attacks he had, but they reduced him to pate with a few volleys of the ballista, completing their quest.

But they weren't done yet...

Instead of looting the wizard's library (which they did), and returning to town for the next quest (which they didn't), the wizard(s) insisted on carring the entire library contents out with them.
One of the fighters, who was a bit more of an artificer, rolled a 19 on Craft Item check, and fashioned a pedal-powered mount to put the ballista on, turning it into a MacGyver-tank.
They also fashioned a sort of wagon to attatch behind it to carry the stacks of books they took as well.

So,
They get to the town, and the wizard and one of the thieves calls a town ahll meeting, with "free refreshments."
That's right, they poison the drinks with the blue crystal powder, managing to kill off close to 80% of the lvl 1 townsfolk (I was a flexible DM). The remaining townsfolk and the guards ran outside, to be hit by an ambush set by the fighters and the remaining thief with the ballista.
After killing the blacksmith (and almost losing the fighters in the battle), I ruled that they could help themselves to the inventory (mainly lots of nonmagical weapons and armor, only a few magic weapons and a magic shield).
This is where I made my second "mistake:"

One of the players asked if he could fashion an armored shell for the pedal-powered ballista. I agredd, but set the DC really high, and warned them that it would take several successes in a row. He rolled a perfect 20, 19, and 17+. They then proceeded to armor-plate the rear wagon, and put weapons over every square inch of the newly christened "Doom Tank." I said it did 4d20 damage in battle from all the scythed wheels/crossbow turrets/spears/ballista/etc.

In the next session, I warned them they were going to have to flee the giant approaching army from the nearby for that was suppossed to protect the town they'd slaughtered, and they fled to a port town and traded it in for a dwarvish zepplin. Yeah, they were only kinda disappointed

[Cleverdan22]

Well, this one time, me and my party were fighting a Junk Golem that was giving us a lot of trouble. I was holding the gnome ranger over my head so he could shoot it from behind a wall that gave us cover but he couldn't shoot over regularly, but it wasn't doing a lot. So our cleric made a beeline for the stairs to the floor above, which had a huge hole in it practically right over the golem. Then, using some impressive strength checks, he shoved the bathtub from that floor into the hole, after which it dropped on the golem, killing it. T'was a wondrous thing.

[Sliver]

Confused...is the elf a boy or a girl? Or are there multiple elven rangers in this story?

The first one was an elven NPC that one of the players didn't trust, the second was (probably) the DM's gf's PC.

[Talon Sky]

Confused...is the elf a boy or a girl? Or are there multiple elven rangers in this story?

The boy was my plot-hooker (giggity) and the girl was my gf's PC.

They carried a 100 lb repeating ballista up 2 flights of stairs

Man, and I complained about having to lug a chest-freezer down some stairs with my uncle....

They then proceeded to armor-plate the rear wagon, and put weapons over every square inch of the newly christened "Doom Tank." I said it did 4d20 damage in battle from all the scythed wheels/crossbow turrets/spears/ballista/etc.

Annnnnnnnnd every BBEG in my campaigns will now ride atop one of these. Throw in a rune of anti-magic field and I may cry, seriously.

[darkPrince010]

Oh, they also managed to salvage one of the magic blue lightning orbs intact, and had that on top of the tank casting a mild form of Chain Lightning.
They got into the tower in an odd way too. Instead of killing the orc guards and going in the ground level, they used a Staff of Plant Enlargement from some NPC druid (who they killed) to enlarge a nearby tree into the shape of a giant hammer, and cut it down, smashing a giant hole in the side of the tower, totally negating the stealthy entrance I had tried to nudge them into...

Plus, I swear my players were paranoid sociopaths.
At least four or five games proceeded perfectly fine, collecting information about possible quests, until one or both of the thieves (We almost always had 2-3 thieves in our groups) decided to kill and/or rob from the other players. Most of the time, they would announce this to me in front of the player they were targeting.
This usually led to the victim announcing they were becoming suspicious and readying their weapons against the thief, and within minutes the entire party was at each others throats.
Other PCs killed more of my players then monsters ever did...

Also, my players used the molotov cocktail oil flask trick so often I actually let some of the fighters become proficient in it and do more damage. They once cleared an entire sewer infestation of giant spiders like that: After killing their way through an abandoned house filled with spiders, they reached the cobweb-covered entrance to the tunnels/sewers with the spider lair.
Instead of entering and fighting through the spiders, they tossed 3 or 4 of the firebombs into the tunnel (nearly burning down the building they were in), and managed to kill off almost all the spiders in the tunnel, saving the town in a matter of minutes. Of course, i ruled they got only 1 XP per spider killed in this way...

[The Glyphstone]

Well, this one time, me and my party were fighting a Junk Golem that was giving us a lot of trouble. I was holding the gnome ranger over my head so he could shoot it from behind a wall that gave us cover but he couldn't shoot over regularly, but it wasn't doing a lot. So our cleric made a beeline for the stairs to the floor above, which had a huge hole in it practically right over the golem. Then, using some impressive strength checks, he shoved the bathtub from that floor into the hole, after which it dropped on the golem, killing it. T'was a wondrous thing.

So you killed a monster by hitting it in the junk with a bathtub? Yeah, that'll do it in most cases.

[evilfork]

Alright, I have many. we have a pretty crazy group.

First one I remember - We are just starting the adventure at-lvl 8? So, everyone is in a bar, all us PCs plus one NpC in our party. He soon falls facefirst into his beer, dead. We see a shadow, an assasin on the roofs. My character, possibly being the only elf fighter in half plate who wields a huge axe in existence charges out through the window.

The rest of the party charges through the door(delayed by an old lady for 1 round) except the sorcerer and the evil dwarf cleric. The sorcerer proceeds to loot our NPC friends body. 36 silver, wheee. The dwarf refuses not to finish his beer.

Next round, I get on the roof using a grapling hook. The Druid sees the assasin and tries to bash in a door. With a strength of seven. And falls flat on his back. The wizard gets all the way out. Dwarven cleric gets a crossbow bolt in his beer, gets raging, and charges out. Meanwhile, our sorcerous friend goes up to the bar.

Im chasing the assasin on the roof and jump down a story, forgeting my half plate. that hurts The druid tries the door. It's unlocked. Of course. Wizard gets shot at, and then proceeds to open a door, where he is met by an old man

"May I come in" "no" "well, then, paralyzing touch" and enters the house.

Of course, our sorcerer friend decides to rob the bar. He flourishes his magic power and threatens the barkeep. Who happens to be a retired paladin. Who punches him onto the floor. Cue patrons to come help beat up the little sorcerer.

The rest of us get on the roofs. Turns out the druid and the wizard were chasing me. (Low spot i guess) We turn around... and see the bar explode. Literally. Our sorcerer friend is being escorted out by the guards.

Of course, we go down to help him. My character, in a fit of rage, kick him in the balls. with metal boots. Of course, he only has 1 hP left. He goes unconscious, and the guards try to arrest me. I run, own a guard, and go to the watchtower. I manage to kill all the guards inside and open the door to get onto the wall. I get shot at. 30 times. Lickily, they are bad shots, only about , umm, 7/67 health left after the volly. So, I throw a sleep bomb (not sure where I found that, in some extra book) and Jump from the tower, all epic like. I manage to get to the trees, so Im safe. Somehow, bluff checks were succesful and we all got out. So, the campaign changed from being righteous persuers of an assasin to fugitives from justice. All because of 1 little sorcerer who likes fire too much.

[evilfork]

Alright, with those same characters - after a convoluted adventure that involved our sorcerous friend getting the ability to breath underwater, we decided to cross the desert, y'know, to get away from the town. So, our Dm didnt have much prep time, and so, we found ourself in CanadaLand, the land of free health care. There happened to be a parade going on at the time, with a big T-Rex balloon. We were all in the tavern Joking at the sorcerer not to blow this one up to. So, for some reason, the balloon comes to life. Outside, some of the party see a thief and a half orc barbarian fall out of a window. we all decide to work together. Of course, I run out to help (not before stealing a burger and throwing payment to the guy, who sits there, quite surprised) behind me, the sorcerer decides revenge is at hand, and blasts me with fire. So i do the only perfectly reliable way to stop a spellcaster - use my 10 point higher grapple score to pin him. Meanwhile, the cleric and wizard find a back exit and try to find where it goes. They dont know about the dino.

So now, its a druid, a rogue, and a barbarian versus a dinosaur. The druid shoots lightning, the rogue positions himself, and the barbarian... Well, the barbarian charges. The Dino roars. The barbarian roars back

"Dm: "roll a manly roar check"
Barbarian: "what? Oh, ok" rolling "I roll a twenty"
Dm: "Oh. well, you officially out-roared a dinosaur. Good Job. It is now very angry and eats you"
Barbarian: "Um... I'm not dead, right?"
DM: "Nope"
Barbarian: "I cut my way out"

So, the barbarian proceeds to do massive damage cutting out.

The rogue, then gets a sneak attack. From behind. What is the only reachable orifice on the back of a T-Rex? Yup.
Rogue gets a critical sneak attack and the thing dies. Wow.

[Cleverdan22]

So you killed a monster by hitting it in the junk with a bathtub? Yeah, that'll do it in most cases.

Heh. I hadn't even thought of the inherent joke there.

[Talon Sky]

The rogue, then gets a sneak attack. From behind. What is the only reachable orifice on the back of a T-Rex? Yup.
Rogue gets a critical sneak attack and the thing dies. Wow.

Epicness of epic award.

[koscum]

You know how there's always a group member who has epic fails and because of them many NPCs gain EPIC status or does such things that so that they become canon in other campaigns? Well, in my group, that's usually me. So, here are some of my "best" moments:


#####
Baldur's Gate campaign.
My character: Frann Stoneshield the Dwarven Fighter (NG).
Other characters: Dwarven Cleric (NG), Human Rogue (CG), Human Druid (NN).
#####

1. Out of sheer randomness (and the fact that I hate cross-class skills), Frann has 0 ranks in Spot and Listen. Also, home rules state that all untrained skills are rolled with a -4 penalty. Anyway, a few days into adventuring (if you can call walking down a road through a forest adventuring), we come across a clearing and a broken wagon. We decide it's a good place to make a camp and vote for rogue to be the first on guard duty. He was to wake me up after four hours so I can take over. Naturally, he wakes me up after 2 hours and due to the fact that my poor Frann had barely 2 hours of sleep in the last 2 days, he got major penalty on Spot and Listen checks. Anyway, few hours pass and he's now getting bored. He decides to feed our druid's badger and see if he can get it to like him. Suddenly, he hears a loud "Ahem" in front of him and TURNS AROUND to see who made the noise. After a few moments he turns back again and notices a freakin' Paladin in a gleaming Full Plate. From that day on, Bjornin became a Paladin with +40 on Hide and Move Silently, no armour penalty on those skills and an EPIC status. BTW, my rolls for Spot and Listen were 1, 1, 3, 2, 1, 1, 1, 1.

2. Same character, same campaign, same day. We encountered a band of Hobgoblins. We quickly defeated them and lost almost 40 minutes discussing how to carry 2 Large Tents and 5 Bastard Swords. Just as we were about to continue our journey to Beregos, an ogre pops out of the woods and hits our cleric. It was a good thing she was a dwarf and had a backpack and 2 large tents packed on it. Anyway, after dealing a lot of damage to the ass-big ogre, I was about to finish him when I rolled three 1's in a row. Since our rogue was the only ally near me, he got hit by my Dwarven Waraxe and was almost cut in two. Somehow, he managed to survive.

3. During the same fight, druid, then me and finally rogue tried to do the following: hit ogre in his balls with a club, grapple them and twist and turn, castrate him with a Dwarven Waraxe and repeatedly stab them with a Shortsword and a Dagger. DM ruled against it. He had no idea what to roll and never ever encountered PCs who'd do that.

4. After the fight mentioned above, our cleric managed to stabilize the rogue, but had no healing spells left and druid was out of the healing spells as well so we decided to make a camp here. However, before we did, we had to drag all the corpses away from it so there won't be any random predator encounters during the night. After dragging few Hobgoblin corpses up and down the road and in the forest, I proceed to drag last batch into the forest as well. Druid pointed where to go and I kept going straight, only to end up near the corpse I dragged in the opposite direction. I decided I won't take any chances with my trully horrible Survival check and started shouting in Dwarven "I'm lost! Help me!". Our cleric almost mistook me for an enemy and nearly attacked me. She managed to get me back to the camp where the druid greeted me with a big loud "JERK!" in Dwarven. I had no idea his bonus language was Dwarven. It also became a second name for all of my characters, no matter what they do.

5. After dragging the corpse of the ogre few hundred meters down the road, we let our cleric sleep while druid and I tend to the rogue. After a while, we (and by we I mean druid) noticed he was getting cold. Since we couldn't move him to put a bedroll beneath him, we did our best to keep him warm. Of course, that means using our body heat to warm him up. If you can imagine a but-naked hairy dwarf pressed against you, well, you'll need a lot of therapy. Few minutes into "snuggling", my dwarf has a stroke of idiocy (I played him in such a way that he does the first thing that comes to his mind: we need to warm him up + fire is hot + torch burns = I have a solution). He runs to his backpack, takes a torch and flint-and-steel and runs back. Just as the druid was about to stop him from doing it, he lights the torch and start waving it some 20cm over our poor rogue. The rogue managed to survive the night and got healed by the cleric in the morning. We told him he had a nightmare about a naked dwarf who tried to burn him .

6. Finally, we arrived to Beregost and met an ass-old dwarf (~300 years) who was gonna "draw" us a map of Nashkel mines (the way he remembers them from ~150 years ago). He did have a special request, though. He wanted to carve it into an ass-big stone block and we had to provide him with one. So, our CG rogue starts rolling natural 20's on his Bluff check vs. my natural 1's on my untrained Sense Motive checks. He was only joking, but I believed it was a life-depending mission I had to complete. So, I go around looking for a good, solid, BIG stone block for the old geezer. After about an hour of searching and lots of failed attempts by the druid to explain that the rogue was just kidding, I roll triple 20 (we use stacking 20 rules) and find a lovely, good, solid, BIG stone block. Before druid could do anything, I rolled 20+ on strength check and ripped it straight out of the ground. Not surprisingly, I couldn't move it alone so I started yelling at druid to help me carry it back to our inn. He somehow managed to persuade me to let it go and come back with him so we can get the cleric and rogue to help us. You can imagine the looks on their faces when they heard my story. The only ones who were happy were me and the 300 year old dwarf. Anyway, they rushed out to check out the damage I did this time only to find that the lovely, good, solid, BIG stone block was actually a stepping stone of the most expensive tavern in town, The Burning Wizard. To make things even better, just as we got there, a night watch patrol came by.



#####
"Save the world from crazy Wizard in Luskan by traveling all the way to Thay and then back again" campaign.
My character: Tom the Catfolk Rogue (CG; aka. The Flawmaster - Hehe... I just came up with a new PrC; aka. me).
Other characters: Aahana the Xvart Cleric/Sorceress/Mystic Theurge (NG/CE; almost like a split personality), Kaww the Xvart Druid/Master of Many Forms (NN; left us after clearing out the mines), Nymph (NG; replaced our druid - same player; it's a he, not she) and Doomir the Human Cleric (NE; 186cm/44kg; left with Kaww, but he should return).
#####

7. DM had us choose at least one flaw, but we get a free feat for it. If somebody chooses more, they get more feats. I was the only one to do so and chose 7 flaws to get 3 bonus feats. One of those flaws is a Compulsive Skinny-Dipper. You can guess the reaction of my fellow adventurers when a humanoid cat suddenly takes of all of his clothing off and jumps into a lake/river/what ever for a quick swim every time we come across a large enough water surface. No, they didn't kill me, but Doomir loved conjuring water over my head because, I quote, "I thought you LOVE water."

8. During our journey from Luskan to Neverwinter, we came across a monastery devoted to Nerull. At the same time, Doomir caught up with us (He was 1 day behind us; Had to stay in the city and lay low for a while). He was attacked by one of the surviving Arrowhawks we fought at the start of our journey. Because they have electric attack and he was hit quite a few times, his hair was, well, cartoonish-electric style now. Tom was amazed by it and said "Damn! I wish I had hair style like that!". Of course, Kaww replied with Call Lightning. Tom managed to evade 6 of them, but got hit by 7th one. He got the hair style he wanted

9. Our journey took us near a river and you can guess what happened. Just as I jumped into the water, a huge Dire Bear charges one of our ponies from the forest. So, I swim to the shore, get my rapier and try Sneakin' the bastard. I hit him 0 out of 6 times due to the wet hair swept over my face.

10. When we got to Neverwinter, we were quickly hired to eliminate an army of orcs that occupied Dwarvern mines in the north by none other than Lord Nasher himself. We got the job done and decided to rest at the Dwarven outpost near the mines. Of course, they held a huge feast to celebrate victory (and I contributed with a lot of Masterwork Bacon I found on the orcs in the mines). Because we were cursed at one point in Neverwinter with an Alcoholic curse and because my Will save sucks, instead of staying for the night, we ended up staying for almost 4 days. In the mean time, I got a Dwarf Barbarian to punch me in the face to test out the brand new Ring of Protection +2 I found on the Orc Commander. However, because of my Disorganized flaw, I put on Ring of Alter Self (Human) and before you know it, I was flying across the room. They decided I had enough to drink and picked me up to carry me to my room. Before they got to the stairs, I took out the correct ring and had the same guy to punch me in the face again. The impact threw me halfway up the stairs and I blacked out. Also I banged one of the cute Dwarf chicks and almost had an offspring (DM rolled 11 on d100, missed by 1)

11. On our way back to Neverwinter, we met a "female" Nymph (it's actually a homophobic male with a cursed Nymph's Cloak; Femininity ofc.) being chased by a Dwarf Barbarian with no pants on (the guy from the Dwarven outpost). So, we save "her" and ask her to join us in our journey to Neverwinter. Of course, Tom immediately starts hitting on her. Half way to NW, we made a camp for the night and for some reason (there was one, I'm sure of it), Tom comes to pat the nymph on her shoulder. He "accidentally" misses the shoulder and grabs her by her left (I think, 20% chance it was right) boob. He starts apologizing, making up excuses, explaining how he actually wanted to tap her on the shoulder, etc. Of course, he didn't move his hand. After an awkward moment of silence, he went in for the kiss. You can guess what happened next. Yup, he got stunned, had a long lecture about him not being a she and finally a Nutcracker 2000. You might think that he learned his lesson, but no. He repeated this 3 more times, always with the same outcome. It's a good thing I had lucky Fort saves vs. Nutcracker 2000. Yay, there's still some hope for little Toms ^_^.

12. When we finally got back to Neverwinter, Lord Nasher threw down a "party" for us at his castle. My character, being CG, was soon bored beyond belief and started snooping around for some hot chicks (yeah, another of those "flaws"). There were few that caught his eye (Search roll 70+), so he decided to go for it. DM made a secret "risk factor" roll. The one I chose turned out to be Lord Nasher's hawt daughter (I found that out later that day). Anyway, CHA check..... 50+. The fact that Tom's a Catfolk AND that she kind of has a thing for "exotic" races wasn't very helpful. Long story short, I end up making out with Lord Nasher's daughter, getting pushed from the balcony (50 ft. high, I think) so that the guards won't catch me, landing incredibly graciously and taking no fall damage at all (ass-bad Tumble and Jump rolls; 70+ and 40+).




These are just some of the things I've done so far. There were a few more stories, but didn't make it into this ass-long post (such as our encounter with a ghost). Now, I have a CG Human Warlock. I'll do something stupid or hilarious or both with him soon (maybe I already did), so don't worry (I have useless 3.5e Darkness as one of my invocations and Horrible Luck as a flaw).

BTW, since my DM'll read this, please vote FOR allowing me to have localized Demonic Appearance as a Warlock flaw on my left arm à la Nero from DMC4 (appearance "intensity" based on Invocation progression).

Spoiler

Show

http://www.blogcdn.com/playstation.joystiq.com/media/2008/03/dmc4nero.jpg

http://s.bebo.com/app-image/7926599936/5411656627/PROFILE/i.quizzaz.com/img/q/u/08/04/24/Nero_by_cloudff7ac.jpg

http://ui05.gamespot.com/996/nero1280_2.jpg

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_TRsJKrwx2Sc/R2I0OW2w_II/AAAAAAAABmw/8JjHNpBJNNc/s400/Devil_May_Cry_4.jpg

http://fc02.deviantart.com/fs25/i/2008/066/c/8/DMC4_Nero_Within_Darkness_by_leodheme.jpg

What can I say... I'm on DMC kick again.

Also, if anyone knows where to find the list of Warlock flaws (stuff like "you can not enter a non-public object uninvited" or "you can not cross a running water"), please PM me with the source book/page.



---

Yes, I know it's "badass" and not "ass-bad", but, please, read xkcd! It's a variation of it.

[Kaww]

In a game I'm DMing two characters had an instant bond...

Dwarf barbarian (mute, has a mini blackboard and chalk) and a human monk (bitten by a werebear, doesn't know of the affliction yet) met at the training grounds and the mute dwarf decides he wants a little action.
He writes a message in the dirt with a practice sword: "You want a friendly match?". Monk just nods and starts the match. At the end of the match monk KOs the dwarf, wakes him and tells him to visit the cleric at the grounds.

Dwarf goes there and the healer looks at him and says: "What happened to you?".

Dwarf writtes:"Stairs...".

The next day same couple, only the cleric is overseeing the training and sees the monk beating the ---- out of the dwarf, and the dwarf approches the cleric.

Cleric asks: "What happened this time?"

Dwarf writes "Stairs..."

Cleric looks at him and points towards the monk, dwarf just writes "He's Stairs".

That monk is now known as Stairs. I make the dwarf player write all his comunication with other chars(PC and NPC), he's a man of few words.
Mare, this is democracy, one man, one vote. In our game I'm the Man and I have the Vote, you can not have the fiendish arm.

[koscum]

Because of this, he was really only used to being around birds, so his mating rituals were.... dancing and chawing(kawing?) at women. He got drunk, started doing it with his pants of.
Woke up next morning. Scored the elf chick according to the DM.

My Catfolk Rogue would love to trade notes with him about scoring chicks by dancing naked under influence of alcohol.

I have another player in a different game who was a ranger. This is what he did whenever he encountered a door.

Me: You find a wooden door
Him: I sense motive on it.
Me: Huh? Why?
Him: I need to know if that door is really a door or not. It could be lying and be a window or not open into a room.

He took favored enemy (door) and has believed in the elemental plane of doors.

Pure and EPIC win!

Of course, we go down to help him. My character, in a fit of rage, kick him in the balls. with metal boots. Of course, he only has 1 hP left.

One thing's for sure: he won't have any children.

Mare, this is democracy, one man, one vote. In our game I'm the Man and I have the Vote, you can not have the fiendish arm.

Yeah... In D&D, democracy is one man's vote: DM's. Still, it won't prevent me from nagging on about it. Who knows, maybe I'll find a feat that does exactly what I want. There's a lot of books out there, ya know.

[megabyter5]

Yeah... In D&D, democracy is one man's vote: DM's.

Actually, it's spelled DMocracy. no E.

[Cleverdan22]

Actually, it's spelled DMocracy. no E.

It's a very misleading name. Not democratic in the least. Last time I called for a vote, I was hit by a d4.

[varthalon]

My first D&D game ever, back in the 80s...

I was really proud of a Half-ogre fighter I'd made and gotten some really good ability rolls when rolling him up. I joint the party and we are wandering the woods and camp next to a little lake for the night.

DM: "OK, morning comes and everyone wakes up.... Oh, except you varthalon, your character doesn't wake up, you can roll up a new one."

So I hurridly made a new character never really knowing what happened or why... I figured it was some random roll or some other game mechanic I didn't understand yet. Later I figured the DM just didn't want me using that character and killed him in his sleep to make me bring something else in.

YEARS later I finally found out the truth. Before I'd joined the campaign the other players had found a magical gemstone that was to valuable to be claimed as any one character's share of the loot. The group decided to take it to a city and sell it an split the money... but then someone in the party stole it. Thus began a flurry of subterfuge within the party with the theif trying to hide the gem, another character finding it and stealing it for them selves, and so on.

One of the characters, having found and stolen the gem for themselves didn't want to be caught with it and so planted it in my character's backpack. When another character found it when he searched my backpack in the middle of the night when I was asleep he murdered my character and took the gem for himself.

My first D&D character death was to be murdered in my sleep by one of my own fellow adventures.

[Word Salad]

My very first time DMing my very own game, the players not only ignored but insulted and drove away my plot hook cleric with flaming arrows, and stayed in the crappy beginning hamlet in order to... build a temple and amass a cult. They were dead-set on this project and I could foresee no way in which it wouldn't take years of in-game time, effectively chewing my plot to ribbons. I curse them out, run off with a beer, and decide to enact revenge by merely following the logical course of events.

The players get their cult. It is moderately successful, and has amassed four or five dozen fervent, though mostly unskilled peasant worshipers. Meanwhile the containment field for the horrible, mind-controlling artifact the plot hook cleric was trying to warn everyone about finally degrades, instantly transforming every single individual of a certain royal lineage into double-agents for the gods of chaos. War, famine and madness reign as mad kings smash corrupted armies against one another, and the vast amounts of refugee converts the cult sees is matched by the plague of insanity that hides behind their downcast eyes and earnest pleas.

The players FINALLY grok what's been going on, but rather than take up arms personally to try and find a way to counteract the brain-melting mind rays the artifact is spewing, they figure it's a sounder idea to rally the entire cult and set out en-masse to wage war against the mad kings. I try to dissuade them from this task with the sheer amount of soldiers these people have under their command, but nope. They observe for a while, raid a supply train, arm their peasant zealot warriors with stolen weapons, and charge. Two of them actually survived the arrow barrage long enough to get slashed to bits by the infantry!

[draykhar]

Ha ha, this happened like a year and a half ago, it wasn't my first session, but it was pretty close.

Our party consisted of a very horny human monk/drunken master, a 97 year old human bard, and a dragon shaman who was convinced by his party members the whole quest was the will of a silver dragon. (all on the side of good) who had arrived at a town to protect it from the big bad army; as well as an elven ranger/scout with a love of explosives, a very grounded marshal, and a homebrewed character keyed off of the grim reaper(me!) who'd all been locked in the aforementioned towns jail simply for the crime of being outsiders
(and also possibly because we tried to steal a statue of pelor made of gold.)
So after the necessary "What're you doing in the jail? Well we need you, come with us" introduction of our party characters, our party goes to infiltrate the camp the enemy had set up conveniently on the mountainside above the town. Something I feel I should point out, is that on the edge of the mountainside was a mile long line of trebuchet's. Giant trebuchets.
So of course, after dispatching the enemy (translation; silently eliminating their scouts, and murdering them in their sleep), the characters on the side of right left to receive further instructions from the mayor of the town.
They left the three CRIMANALS on top of the mountain with explosive launching trebuchets.

I don't remember the exact conversation but I believe it went something like this.

Ranger/scout: Hey, I search the tents.
DM: ok, you find 25 gp, and an instruction manual.
Ranger/scout: Instructions for what?
DM: The cover says "Trebuchets and you; the idiots guide toward blowing up villages"
Ranger/scout: What?! I could blow s#$t up? Ok, I run out to the first trebuchet and fire at the army.
DM: You know you have no idea how to work a trebuchet right?
Ranger/scout: It's ok, I'll improvise
DM: (secretly giving him a -4 improv penalty) ok knock yourself out.

Meanwhile, back in town, having decided that the criminals were no longer needed the "good" part of the party was being teleported to a new location, leaving us behind.
(back on the mountain)
Ranger/scout: (rolls a 1 on his "fire trebuchet" check) Um... I yell out "RUN AWAY!!!"
Me: I start running away from kory (ranger/scout)
Marshal: I stand my ground
Me: I grab torrean (marshal) and keep running. (rolls a nat 20) I'm gonna assume that works.
DM: (wasn't paying attention, and is now grinning evily) Ok, you all have one round to run.

The Dm rules that the first trebuchet fires so horribly that instead of launching the explosive, it instead launches itself down, UNDERGROUND and then explodes. This sets off a chain reaction causing the ENTIRE LINE OF TREBUCHETS to fall, and explode the base of the cliff.
Guess what happened next.
Yup.
The entire mountainside collapsed on the vilage. And the army attempting to destroy the village.
And every living thing for 2 miles that side of the mountain range.
We had lots of fun explaining ourselves to the other half of the party when we finally got back together.

[PanNarrans]

It's important to note that my girlfriend's character in this campaign is a halfgiant who specialises in bull rushes.

We board an airship and fight our way to the bridge. It's pretty hard going, with a few decent casters making life hard, and we get worried about what the captain and his bodyguards will be like.

We storm our way onto the bridge, and there's the captain! In mech armour! Grinning at us confidently! Standing in front of the viewing window!

Wait, what was that last one?

We killed a villain - who was meant to be recurring - in one round by knocking him out of an airship window to fall to his death. All future enemies in mech armour will have it fitted with jet thrusters, or at least a ring of feather falling.

[MoriHikari]

heres one from my recent 4e campaign:

party consists of:
a male half elf ardent with a charisma of 18
a female Dwarf bard who is attracted to females with heartbeats
a male minotaur battlemind who likes to wear tassles on his horns
a male shifter ranger/shaman hybrid who uses his spirit companion for all the dangerous stuff
a female eladrin rouge who is possibly the most normal of the whole group,
and my character a male looking shardmind cleric of avandra who is annoying as hell.

I'm running the group through the kobold manor adventure in the back of the dungeon masters guide and they've reached the third room (I think thats where it is) the setup for the room is:
accross the room form the group are two raised platforms seperated by a closed door at ground level. there are two kobolds standing on said platforms tossing a rock tied to the ceiling back and forth. in the center of the room is a large 10 ft deep pit filled with green slime (not harmfull, just sticky)

group moves up to attack the kobolds with ranged weapons, getting in range of the rock tied to the ceiling. on the kobolds turn they throw the rock at one of the PC's, the minotaur. It knocks the minotaur 2 squares back, straight into the slime pit.
next round he climbs out for his turn, then it's the kolbolds turn again. they throw the rock hitting the eladrin rouge, who's standing right infront of the minotaur. She cant slide back 2 squares without hitting him, so she does, knocking him into the pit instead.
next round he climbs out again, really cursing these kobolds (and me ). the kobolds throw the rock again hitting my shardmind who is, big surprise here, standing in front of the minotaur.
back into the slime he goes again
he spent the whole battle in the slime pit due to bad luck.

the whole table was laughing at that point.
and sitll it gets better.

afterwards they decide to go through the door. its locked. so rather than have the rouge in the group unlock it, the minotaur announces: "I'm going to be of use today! I ram the door down!!"
I have him roll it, and he does indeed break down the door and charge into the next room...where two gaurd drakes are waiting for intruders.

the drakes proceed to beat the snot out of the poor guy on the surprise round (while I am laughing so hard behind the screen that I cant breath. BTW: DM screens work very well as a sheild from dice, pencils, and unopened mountain dew cans.)

[Creed]

My party was running down a hallway in the WRONG ORDER.
Druid
Ranger(Me!)
Samurai
Paladin!?!?
The boss (Fighter/Rogue) makes a sneak attack from a side hall, dropping Druid to neg 7. I point blank shot nat 20 the boss with 19 initiative. I killed him in one shot.


...and you know, the basic "I lay hands on the druid"
"Snicker. You know she's a girl right? You know how weird that sounds?"
"Shut up! She's neg 9"
"Quick, Lay your hands upon her! Which part though?"

[Dori]

Makes me remember the DnD session I had with friends a few years back.

It was a necromancer, a ranger/druid, a fighter and rouge(me).

The party had to battle a few monster (I can't remember what they are) that threw Molotov cocktails at us. (DM was very lax.)

One hit the fighter which was a hermaphrodite with extremely generous assets. He/she caught fire and rolled all 1s saving rolls for the entire encounter. The fighter kept yelling "My ****s are on fire!" The ranger/druid tried to help him put out the fire. He rolled a one.

Meanwhile this left the rouge(me) and the necromancer to fight the last two remaining monster. We killed them. And went over to see how the fighter was doing. He/she was still on fire.

The ranger/druid had to cast healing spells to keep the fighter alive to put out the fire.

The fighter tried again and rolled a one again.
By now we're all laughing hard at the fighter. He was still yelling "My ****s are on fire!" The necromancer tried to help. She rolled a one and missed.
Rouge(me) tried to help using a bucket of water. I rolled a one and missed watering the plants instead.
Ranger/druid tried again using a cloak to beat the fire out. He rolled a one again and got his cloak all burned up.

By this time the DM is telling us how we can smell cooked flesh and how the fats are bubbling from the fighter's generous assets.

Ranger/druid is angry that we all keep rolling ones in trying to put out the fire.
Necromancer wants the fighter to die so she can get a zombie slave.
Rouge(me) wants the loot from the fighter.

eventually the fighter managed to put out the fire.

We're all could not stop laughing at how we couldn't put out a fire for the next few weeks.

[Pyrian]

*tries to hold it in*

*fails*

"Rogue" is a D&D class. "Rouge" is reddish makeup. Gah!

...I hate correcting grammar and spelling on the internet but this is ridiculous!

[Umael]

*lifts Pyrian's hat up*
*pats Pyrian on the head*
*puts the hat back down*

There, there...

Okay, time for me to add a little something to the mix.

I've posted this story before, but it's been a while (let's see how well I remember it... *sigh*... the first thing to go is the memory, the second thing is... is... is the second thing!).

So I'm running a D&D game with a bunch of players, mostly a new group. One of these players is, shall we say, not a member of MENSA, but I had no trouble with him. Now the adventure is pretty much just your standard 1st-level dungeon crawl in the sewers, nothing special, just something to get the PCs feet wet (pardon the pun).

Now I wanted to tie in things for a larger plot-arc, something involving city corruption and whatnot (campaign didn't last long enough), so the group ran into a few members of the city guard (although the PCs didn't know they were). While looting the dead, the aforementioned player, J, has his fighter find a vial with some kind of white powder on it.

With a shrug, he pocketed it, intending to examine it later.

Eventually, they get to an exit from the sewers, which happened to be through a side grate. On breaking the grate open, they look out and see that the exit is part of a cliff face, with the river about sixty feet below. Directly below them is a ledge, about fifty feet down. The ledge sloped up and narrowed a bit to the right, and widens and dead-ends to the left. It was also covered with tall grass and small bushes.

So all the party has to do is descend fifty feet (by rope) and move up the ledge to the right until the ledge joined the top of the cliff (that or jump in the river). J decided that he would go first, climbing down most of the way and then letting go and landing with a thump! about five feet from the ground.

This is where my last trap went off.

The area to the right - perfectly safe. The area to the left - perfectly safe. The area directly below the grate? Snake nest.

To the 8 Medium-sized Vipers, they were suddenly awaken from their sleep by this large person landing in their midst. They rose up, hissing, ready to strike. (Full circle, each in a 5' x 5' square, 8 attacks of opportunity threatening, but no actions made as of yet.)

Now at this point, I figured there were several ways out of this.

Option 1 - Freeze. The snakes were startled, and if no further danger appeared, the snakes would all retreat off into the grass, away from J's character.
Option 2 - Freeze. Since J's PC was not in melee, the PCs above could just attack with ranged weapons and pick-off / drive away the snakes.
Option 3 - Climb back up, nice and slow. The only way to retreat safely was up.
Option 4 - Grab the rope and let the other PCs pull J's PC to safely.

So what does J do?

He decides to have his character jump through to the other side.

8 attacks of opportunity later, J's PC has been bitten multiple times. Initial Con damage was something like 9 points. With his lower Constitution, he failed most of the Secondary Saves. No one has Delay Poison, let along Neutralize Poison (1st level, remember). He's dead.

But wait!

Remembering that vial of white stuff, J's PC eagerly downs it, praying that it might be anti-venom!

Alas.

Cocaine.

He died with a smile on his face.

[Marillion]

So, I'm playing a Castillian (think Spanish) bullfighter, and I've found myself in Avalon (Britain), having only picked up a smattering of Avalonian. We hear a man get attacked, and we rush to his aid. He's already dead and the killer's already gone, and the police are closing in on our position. When they arrive, they separate me from the rest of the group and take our statements. The way my DM handles knowing only a little bit of the language is asking us to roll our pidgin. When we're trying to understand, 2-5 means we have no idea what they're saying, 6-9 means we get the general gist of what they're saying, 10 means we understand perfectly, and 1 means we THINK we understand perfectly. Conversely, when we're trying to speak the language, 2-5 they don't understand us at all, 6-9 means they get the idea, 10 means I speak it flawlessly, and 1 means I THINK I speak it flawlessly.

So the officer asks me to give a statement, and I understand him just fine. What I wanted to say was, "We heard a scream, which we followed into this alley. When we arrived, the man was already dead and his killer was fleeing up the rooftops."

What I ACTUALLY said was "I followed this man into the alley and killed him, but he screamed, and I could not get away quick enough. Why are you putting me in handcuffs and ow those sticks hurt please stop"

The best part was, the GM asked me what I wanted to say and what I actually said.

After the party spends the night in jail, they make me a wooden sign that I have to carry at all times that says "I do not speak Avalonian".