Things I May No Longer Do While Playing X: Bard is not a valid choice

[Anonymouswizard]

** Must not ask "why only female bards?"

*** May not explain that, as STIs are relatively easy to sort out due to an abundance of Clerics, the main consequence is felt only by women (due to the fact that most D&D worlds aren't high tech enough for the required surgery).
**** May not invent the morning after spell.

[goto124]

* When a player derails a campaign, the resulting derailed 'plot' cannot lead through the beaches of Phillip Island.
*** No matter how cute the little penguins are.
**** Is this just going to get derailed until it becomes completely penguin-shaped?

[JAL_1138]

*The god of Humorous Misconceptions and Amusing Deaths is not named "Gazebo."

[DigoDragon]

* No matter how cute the little penguins are.

** Even if they're all dressed in their nice little tuxes?

[Anonymouswizard]

* I am to explain that defilers are spellcasters when outlining character options.

[JAL_1138]

*My Chaotic Neutral bard/warlock does not know how to play Sympathy for the Devil or The Man Who Sold the World.

[goto124]

** Even if they're all dressed in their nice little tuxes?

*** Even if their tuxes are blue.
**** Even if they're really small.
***** Even if they're curious and happy to see you.
***** That's it, you need to get into the 12 step program for recovery from penguins.

[Anonymouswizard]

* Cannot litter my setting's mythology with lies and half-truths.
** Especially can't have people manipulating the 'storms of creation' if those storms don't exist.
*** There must be more to my cosmology than 'the World' and 'the Void'.
**** The opposite to the Void is not Inferno.

[JAL_1138]

*May not have a cosmology where nobody knows how the world and the various life-forms on it were made, and everyone openly acknowledges that the gods (as gods, at least; they began as mortals) are creations of sapient mortal races and powered by belief.

[Anonymouswizard]

*May not have a cosmology where nobody knows how the world and the various life-forms on it were made, and everyone openly acknowledges that the gods (as gods, at least; they began as mortals) are creations of sapient mortal races and powered by belief.

Spoiler

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The as yet unnamed world is one of many in the Void.nobody knows how the world's came to be, but none of the religions are admitting that. Inferno might replace the Void as the source of demons if I can think of good Air, Earth, and Water planes though (the world represents 'ether', but even then there will be many conflicting creation myths among those of the five realms).

[JAL_1138]

Spoiler

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The as yet unnamed world is one of many in the Void.nobody knows how the world's came to be, but none of the religions are admitting that. Inferno might replace the Void as the source of demons if I can think of good Air, Earth, and Water planes though (the world represents 'ether', but even then there will be many conflicting creation myths among those of the five realms).

Nifty! What sort of ether-ness does the world have, I wonder? A higher degree of magic, or there not being any prominence of one variety over the others?

[Anonymouswizard]

Nifty! What sort of ether-ness does the world have, I wonder? A higher degree of magic, or there not being any prominence of one variety over the others?

Not quite decided yet, I've been too busy with coursework to look up the ether to see what properties it was supposed to have. Humans, at least, are unable to directly use magic, although they might not be entirely native, in the current version it's more due to not being overly aligned with anything (it's also a joke in that it's element doesn't exist, and so it doesn't have any special properties). The only magic system currently present in the world is summoning outsiders to do your bidding, and that's a risky prospect as they can replace the ecosystem.

EDIT:
* Cannot run steampunk.
** Cannot include airships.
*** Cannot include mechanical computers.
**** Especially not ones that work in base 12.
***** For that matter, cannot have the world use base 12 as a standard, even if I translate everything into decimal for the players.
****** The steam gun is banned (imagine a copper tube that shoots scalding hot steam at whatever you point it at, of course attached to a wooden stock).
******* Just because I can imagine clockwork based cybernetics is not a good enough reason to include them in the game.
******** Cannot give the boost '8 bullet revolver' to an opponent just because none of the players asked if they existed.
********* The weapon ratings cannot be 1 (light revolvers), 2 (heavy revolvers), 3 (rifles), and 4 (support weaponry).
********** High tech military body armour should give a higher rating than Armour: 2.

* It doesn't matter if it works by RAW, I cannot play a normal human who duel wields catapults!

EDIT 2:
* If running a game set in space with psychic powers and lasers, cannot insist that the lasers work realistically.

[Rater202]

I can't invent the internet until after I invent personal computers.

[cavalieredraghi]

I can't invent the internet until after I invent personal computers.

** Can't not point out the error of such plans with 4th wall breaking.

[Anonymouswizard]

I can't invent the internet until after I invent personal computers.

** May not make legitimate arguments that an internet-esque network is beneficial before personal computers.
*** For that matter, I cannot invent the computer before transistors have been discovered.

* Despite being entirely within the spirit of the setting, the player's guide document may not include 'It is ungentlemanly to take away a player’s gadget for more than a scene and give them no compensation, and players are encouraged to disapprove of GMs who do so.'

[2D8HP]

* Permission to update characters to the latest edition does not include "Studly McAwesome" the Fighter/Magic-User/Thief "rolled up" with all 17's and 18's when I was 12 years old.
**May not roleplay character as if it was Sean Connery on "Jeopardy" as portrayed by Daryl Hammond.
***Nor as Yosemite Sam.
****Nor any other Loony Tunes characters, "Pepe LePew" is right out!
*****May not then create a series of Half Orc Barbarians with minimal Charisma, Intelligence, and Wisdom named after the GM, the GM's significant other, pets, and family members.
****** Bite'me'fat'boy" is not the Elvish translation of "Springtime Stargazer".

[Anonymouswizard]

****** Bite'me'fat'boy" is not the Elvish translation of "Springtime Stargazer".

Your elvish spelling is horrible, it's spelt B't'm'f'tb'', obviously.

* Cannot write elven ('lv'n) as English, but with an apostrophe replacing every vowel.
** Gnomish is gnot Egnglish with agn extra g ign frognt of every gn.
(*** Gno Gnomes)

[JAL_1138]

*Dwarves are not all named on the pattern of "Urist McHammerdorf" or "Urist McMinerdorf."
**Dwarves can have given-names other than "Urist."
***The dwarven word for "drawbridge" does not share the same root as the dwarven word for "obliterate."
****The dwarven word for "giant sponge" does not translate literally as "Sudden fury at the water's edge."
*****The dwarven word for "hireling" does not translate literally to "one who wears a scarlet tunic."

[Anonymouswizard]

*Dwarves are not all named on the pattern of "Urist McHammerdorf" or "Urist McMinerdorf."
**Dwarves can have given-names other than "Urist."

I'm considering calling a Dwarven crossbowwoman Urist Boltshooter(dwarf), just to confuse people. Also, it's going to be a nice niche, especially once the 5th level automatic heavy crossbow kicks in (at 6th level I get two attacks at either +9 for 1d10+4 or +4 for 1d10+15 damage, then Extra Attack (2) at 11th level).

I'm considering having her come from a clan which doesn't care about gender except when it comes to delivering children, and thus she is a pansexual dwarf. Urist was just what the elders named her.

* Cannot reveal boltdwarf was a woman all along.
** Female dwarves do not have sideburns.

[JAL_1138]

I'm considering calling a Dwarven crossbowwoman Urist Boltshooter(dwarf), just to confuse people. Also, it's going to be a nice niche, especially once the 5th level automatic heavy crossbow kicks in (at 6th level I get two attacks at either +9 for 1d10+4 or +4 for 1d10+15 damage, then Extra Attack (2) at 11th level).

I'm considering having her come from a clan which doesn't care about gender except when it comes to delivering children, and thus she is a pansexual dwarf. Urist was just what the elders named her.

* Cannot reveal boltdwarf was a woman all along.
** Female dwarves do not have sideburns.

*Must not mention that the first Urist was Urist Borushdumat (Urist Raked-Roughness), female dorf famous for a solo fortress back in the 2D version, and the name has become gender-neutral since then, as many dorfs of either gender were named after the badass hermit-lady.

*Dwarven nobles are not called Uristocrats.

[Anonymouswizard]

* When asked where my steampunk setting's divergence point is, the correct answer is 'sometime in Victorian Britain'.
** It is not 'when the Byzantine Empire lasts for another 200 years'.
*** The major world powers in 1910 cannot be 'the British Empire, the Holy Roman Empire, the Penguins, and China'.
**** The setting cannot be building up to the Great War.

[JAL_1138]

*"I say we take off, steal an Imperial superweapon, and blast the whole site from orbit--it's the only way to be sure" is not a valid plan in a Star Wars game.

*May not mount engines to an asteroid and call it a "Poor Man's Death Star."
**May no longer attempt to use physics in Star Wars.

[goto124]

* Yes, my young paladin is highly incompetent.
** Yes, he is rather clumsy as well.
*** No, he cannot fall on his own sword.
**** Nor can his sword snap in two, no matter how heavy he is.

[JAL_1138]

*Shou wizards who worship the deities collectively known as the Celestial Bureacracy are still affected by the Ring of Bureaucratic Wizardry, and it takes them just as long to fill out the paperwork (in triplicate) as anyone else.
**May not convert to a Chaotic Neutral religion after the cursed ring is removed.

[iceman10058]

* When asked where my steampunk setting's divergence point is, the correct answer is 'sometime in Victorian Britain'.
** It is not 'when the Byzantine Empire lasts for another 200 years'.
*** The major world powers in 1910 cannot be 'the British Empire, the Holy Roman Empire, the Penguins, and China'.
**** The setting cannot be building up to the Great War.

***** The Penguins cannot win the Great War if there is one.

[spineyrequiem]

[LARP]
* May not make the ref's computers autocorrect 'orc' to 'human' just so we don't need to bother with masks in skirmishes.
* Asking the ogres for a ride will get me eaten.
* Before declaring victory and sodding off home, should really check if any of the objectives have actually been completed (not me, but a load of my friends did this in one battle...)
* Before spending a vast quantity of resources to bring a prisoner home for interrogation, should check whether she actually knows anything. (Same battle! It was an interesting one...)
* No declaring a glorious victory if the players just never show up for the skirmish.
* If a group of players abandon their mission and one of their comrades thirty seconds in, no dressing up as a friendly character, going round their camp later that evening and mocking them relentlessly. (We didn't actually do this, but we were definitely considering it)
* No screaming about how my booze has disappeared whenever one of the referees picks up my bottle to take a drink.
* 'Free booze for everyone!' is not an appropriate senate motion.
* 'Drink and fall over' is not a traditional Orc song.
* If the summary of my play includes the phrase 'Orc boobs', I probably shouldn't perform it.
* No asking the refs to weapon check my breakfast.

[D&D]
* The 'tactical cower' is not a real martial manoeuvre.
* 'Because he was running away' is not a suitable excuse for why I tried to drown someone who'd otherwise done nothing wrong.
* Before killing the quasit, really ought to check whether it's stopping this whole pocket dimension from collapsing.
* No working out that the room full of traps is illusory before the DM's finished the loving description he wrote.
* 'Lawful chaotic' is not a real alignment, no matter what I say.
* If the next adventure is just me vs. my hallucinations while the party try desperately to stop me then something has gone very wrong.

[JAL_1138]

*May not reason that resistance to being charmed, immunity to magically-induced sleep, not needing to actually sleep and thus being able to perceive one's surroundings during rest, affinity for magic, and skill with camouflage are all traits that would be highly useful for any prey animal to many traditional conceptions of the Fair Folk and many Fey creatures in the game.
**Must not then decide that rather than "Fey Ancestry," red-blooded (meaning they have iron in their blood) elves have "Feywild Ancestry," and descend from refugees who came to the Prime Material to escape the Fair Folk who have hunted their race for hundreds of millennia, long enough for such traits to evolve in response to predation or extermination attempts.
***(If I were allowed to use gnomes in the game, their small stature and advantage on Int, Wis, and Cha saves against any magic would likewise mark them as having evolved in such a way due to being hunted for millennia by the Fair Folk. But, well, "gno gnomes.")
****Fey creatures have the alignments listed in the manual, not some kind of blue-and-orange morality that looks to be based on amoral whim and often pure sadism and is utterly chaotic, but while the whim and sadism certainly apply, does in fact follow a myriad of labyrinthine and often-incomprehensible-to-mortals rules.
*****The Nac Mac Feegle are utterly prohibited.

[Anonymouswizard]

***** The Penguins cannot win the Great War if there is one.

Oh, the Penguins obviously win.


* My character concept cannot be 'senpai'.
** This does not justify me dumping perception.
*** I do not have to fail to notice the other characters.

[JAL_1138]

*When asked to play the music for a village dance, my bard may not play (nor has he ever even heard) Flogging Molly's "Devil's Dance Floor."

*May not suggest that the newbie write down which dice to use and when. Even if the aforementioned newbie is categorically incapable of remembering regardless of how many times it has been explained.

*The Fighter does not have weapon proficiency in "severed limb."

[Anonymouswizard]

*May not suggest that the newbie write down which dice to use and when. Even if the aforementioned newbie is categorically incapable of remembering regardless of how many times it has been explained.

** May not get annoyed when it's the third session and everyone is still asking how to make skill checks.
*** Even if I know the rules better than the GM.
**** Can no longer know the rules better than the GM.
***** Cannot point out that the GM is setting the difficulty too high.

* May not suggest that some RPGs might be better than D&D.