PC Stupidity Stories

[Ar-Sakal]

This is some of the best moments from my rp group:

Moment #1: Two members of the party go into a tavern and the rogue is discovered cheating in a game... the rogue tries diplomacy to settle the argument with a bunch of drunk soldiers

Me(as DM): OK, silly rogue, you failed your diplomacy check and the mean drunks in the tavern have decided to kick your behind
Sorcerer (newbie who begged to have his char the same level as everybody else.. that is lvl 5): Oh no, they don't know who they are messing with!!!
Me:OK, now roll initiatives ...
Rogue: Oh I got a total of 19
Sorcerer: I got a 17
Me: The drunks get like a 7, a 10, a 8, a 5 and a 3
Rogue: Perfect, I use my ring of Expeditious Retreat to get out of the tavern ASAP
Me: OK, you get out of here are gone... newbie, I recommend you do the same
Sorcerer: My turn!!! I cast Fireball into the ceiling of the building.!!!!
Me: What????
Sorcerer: Yes, I cast Fireball into the ceiling of the entire building so it falls under the thugs *rolls d6s and gets 5s and 6s* Yey!!! The ceiling should be in fire
Me: Since its old wood, the Fireball hits the ceiling and it starts to burn *rolls d20 and gets a 20* and it also makes structural damage to the entire ceiling, collapsing it.... BTW, did I mention there was an attic full of crates and barrels with alcohol too????
Rogue: My char goes back and roasts some marshmallows over the bonfire
(DM lesson #1: NEVER LET A NEWBIE WHO IS GETTING A CHAR ABOVE LVL 1 BE A SPELLCASTER)

Moment #2
Partey is now lvl 10... and for some foolish reason they decide to confront directly the evil liche despite getting succesful Gather Information, Knowlegde Arcana, Spellcraft and whatever rolls indicating that the Phylactary is hidden in a certain remote are

Same Rogue as before:OK, so I check for traps... *rolls*
Me:Standing in the ancient and evil tomb, you realize that there is no discernable mechanism which your ability can detect
Rogue: Well, I pick the lock... *rolls*
Me: Success... as you open the door, you realize the mechanism in the door lights some strange globes with a pale blue light... You see a walking and thin corpse dressed in what looks to be fine wizardly robes looking with his undead, red eyes of hatred straight at you
Me*as Liche*: Welcome fools, I've been expecting you... care to grovel for your life before I take it
Rogue (player who is usually silly and cracks jokes when he should not.. and that evening had cracked far too many for the DM's taste): Dude... I thought liches were like evil wizards, not a zombie who clearly died of hunger... man, you better get us more challenging foes!!!
*Rest of party laughs*
Me: OK, since you didn't say you were OOC, the liche hears you out talking out loud like that and the rest of the party laughing.. and this guy lost his sense of humor some 300 years ago. Since he is a necromancer, he decides to show you how challenging a lvl 25 epic undead wizard is and cast Wail of the Banshee.. now roll your saving throws!!!!
*everybody dies except the Rogue*
Rogue: Ha... so I lived... big deal with the scary spell... I run to the exit
Me: The liche starts to laugh as he waves his hand closing the door to the tomb.. as soon as the tomb is closed, the pale lights go out and since no one lighted a torch, you are left in complete darkness... You only see the two evil, red eyes looking straight at you and hear... "You have no idea how much fun we are going to have with your pain for the next century... muahahahaha"

[shaddy_24]

the lich thing? that's just mean. level 10 chars against a level 25 lich? ow ow ow owowowowow! (pretty funny though)

[Stormcrow]

"When i said they were WINE casks what i really meant was they were BRANDY casks.. which are what my Family calls Wine... Brandy"

[SpiderBrigade]

No, but you see, it was their fault, because obviously they were supposed to go and take care of his phylactery.

Which, somehow, a 25th-level epic undead wizard would not have been able to protect against 10th-level characters...?

[Quietus]

Meh. I wouldn't be surprised if one of my DMs sent a group of level 10's against a level 25 lich. I've seen him send level 10 troll/fighters against a level 5 party, and a level 70 cycloptic lich against a level 20-22 party. Or rather, send the party against the lich. Very fine difference.

Another group is 20-22 and going to fight Tiamat, though we brought that on ourselves.

The difference is in how good your DM is. Being a jerk about something like that is just ridiculous. Gotta be reasonable if you're going to send something stupid-powerful at the party.

[Dervag]

Gunpowder requires a spark to go off. Hitting it really hard just won't do it. Knocking a hole in a barrel certainly wouldn't do the trick.

Although gunpowder can be sparked and set off by friction. That's why sailors on warships in the blackpowder era usually went barefoot during a battle. With all that powder being carried around, there would be loose grains, and even the friction between your shoes and a wooden surface can set the grains off.

And, as stormcrow said, wine is NOT flammable. You have to get into the very high proofs before alcohol will burn.

Absolutely true. Note that for every fire-swallower or food-on-fire trick that relies on flammable alcohol, you have to use brandy or vodka or something like that. Distilled liquors may catch fire; wine is overwhelmingly water by volume and cannot.

You can pound black powder with a hammer all day long if you don't catch a spark, and even then it won't explode so much as burn prettily unless enclosed.

It will, however, catch fire fairly dramatically if you do manage to spark it, and it is very easy to spark the stuff. That's why powder mills tended to have very stringent safety standards.

if you send something stupid-powerful at the party, you need to give them a way to defeat it that does not involve trying to match their weakness against its strength. A 10th-level party won't stand a chance of saving against the 25th-level lich's spells; there's no way around it. So if they don't have some other form of protection they shouldn't have bothered.

However, it is certainly true that if a 10th-level party decides that they'd rather attack the lich in his chambers than the phylactery in its, then they're being really stupid.

[HealthKit]

So out of idle curiosity I did the math through the Encounter Calculator

A Lich's CR is what, one or two points above its class level?

Doesn't really matter because the highest the Calculator can go is 20. Up against 6 level 10 characters the calculator deems the difficulty as "Unbeatable"

[Wehrkind]

That isn't why sailors went barefoot. I don't know why they did, but that is so minor a reason as to be untenable. Black powder just goes "poof" when lit without being contained. Individual grains only leave a little white and black soot as they flash. Gun powder is only dangerous when it is contained in something, and the gasses can get compressed to tremendous pressure before popping to equalize, or if there is such a massive amount in one place the "poof" is large enough to burn you.

Seriously, buy some at the store, pour some into a spoon, and light it with a match taped to a ruler. Wear safety glasses, but otherwise it is no danger.

[Zincorium]

That isn't why sailors went barefoot. I don't know why they did, but that is so minor a reason as to be untenable. Black powder just goes "poof" when lit without being contained. Individual grains only leave a little white and black soot as they flash. Gun powder is only dangerous when it is contained in something, and the gasses can get compressed to tremendous pressure before popping to equalize, or if there is such a massive amount in one place the "poof" is large enough to burn you.

Seriously, buy some at the store, pour some into a spoon, and light it with a match taped to a ruler. Wear safety glasses, but otherwise it is no danger.

US Navy, and we do have to learn a bit of history. There were two general reasons sailors in the olden days went without shoes: For better grip when the deck is wet (and it usually is, for whatever reason) and because they didn't earn enough money to buy shoes. With the way shoes and boots were constructed back then it wouldn't have caused much friction, and unless actively being fired upon, people would have been much to careful with the dangerous (even if it doesn't explode, anything burning on a wooden ship is bad) and above all expensive gunpowder to just drop a bunch on the floor, and anyone who did would probably catch a whipping afterwards.

[Rabiesbunny]

Wow, so last night was GOLD.

The youngest member of our group, a 14 year old, recently bought our shop's copy of Spell Compendium. I borrowed it from him, and in it, found a spell called "Miasma of Entropy". Perfect spell for a Talontar druid, so I wrote it in my notes.

Cue yesterday's session. We stopped in a patch of forest north-east of the Citadel of the Raven, and my druid hopped off the wagon and told the Banite Skymage leader she would be right back. The 14 year old's monk asked the leader if he should follow my druid, and she said yes. Since his hide and move silently were so huge, my druid never noticed him.

So somewhere along the way, she tosses her huge pile of cloaks and clothing into a patch where there's no snow, so she's just in a pair of leggings and a shirt, and she continues on. About fifty more feet out, and she casts the spell.

What miasma of entropy does is it causes any material within thirty feet that is nonmagical, and once alive or now alive, to decay. Leather, wood, and yes, even cotton. My character was expecting this in her little ritual; the monk was not.

My druid turns around, eyes wide as she realizes there's a naked monk right next to her.

Druid: ...why did you follow me?

At this point, the Banite Knight and Fighter had heard the sound of falling trees as the spell caused them to decay, so they came to investigate. When they find my druid, she's freezing but smiling widely.

Druid: Hello Mival, Curos! Did you see that?!

They're far too flabbergasted by the sight to respond. She approaches them and her clothing, and begins to get dressed. When the fighter sees the naked monk, he slaps his hands over his eyes (He's a womanizer, but his homophobia trumps the want to see my druid naked.) The monk books with full monk speed back to the caravan, flipping and a flopping.

Knight: ...why...were you both naked?
Druid: He followed me, I didn't ASK him to be! Look what I did!

After her gloating, the two confused men walk my druid back to the caravan. The Loviatan swashbuckler in out group has her crossbow drawn, looking very, very confused. The Knight asks her if she's seen the monk, and she points to the covered wagon we're travelling in. He knocks on the door; the monk opens it, and the Knight shoves him back in, and closes the door behind him.

Knight: What were you doing naked out there with her?
Monk: My clothes melted! *Completely confused*
Knight: ...right. *Slams a gauntlet against his chest* You're lucky I don't beat you into a bloody pulp. I don't want to see your pale ass again.
Monk: ...the commander told me to follow her! *Flustered*



So due to the monk's curiosity, he has now become the laughingstock of our party.

[Yahzi]

Steel was produced from iron. I believe steel is iron, except that more carbon was added to the metal, while impurities were removed.

Actually, it's iron with less carbon.

4-8% carbon makes cast iron.

1-2% makes steel.

0% makes pure iron, which is utterly useless to anybody for anything.

Isn't that weird?

[brian c]

Monks are interesting characters.

For example, the group was wandering in the wilderness heading vaguely-north towards some ominous mountains, which, it's well-known are lousy with giants and monsters.
The PCs camp and set watch, and during the middle of the night, a duo of trolls wander into the permimeter of camp. The Keen-eyed monk spots them and leaps up (ok)
He gives a loud shout to awaken his teammates (ok)
He then proceeds to charge the trolls (uh...)
And critically misses on his attack (er...)
his normal AC is 16 (erm...)
After charging, makes it 14 (Uh-oh)
Two full attacks and a rend later, and the monk was resting in pieces.
His teammates mopped up the trolls fairly easily.

What kind of monk only has 16 AC? what level were they?

[NecroPaladin]

Knight: ...why...were you both naked?
Druid: He followed me, I didn't ASK him to be! Look what I did!

Dude...even out of context this is awesome. So going in my sig.

[Dervag]

people would have been much to careful with the dangerous (even if it doesn't explode, anything burning on a wooden ship is bad) and above all expensive gunpowder to just drop a bunch on the floor, and anyone who did would probably catch a whipping afterwards.

You'd still get spilled grains. Nobody would spill an ounce of gunpowder, but it's almost impossible to transfer any powdery substance from one place to another without spilling any of it.

I'm wrong about the footwear issue, or at least mostly wrong. However, gunpowder can still be sparked by a modest amount of friction. And because it does burn rather violently, it can start a fire. Of course, it can't cause the kind of explosion referenced in the original article, but it is still dangerous, as Zincorium correctly observes.

As for the whole 'naked monk' thing... hilarious.

[Tobrian]

Naked monk... well we had one in my group, too.

The group (human paladin, fighter, bard, gnome monk, gnome sorcerer) had heard a local folktale about a nearby "wandering hill" and a house of a wizard artisan cursed by the queen of the fairies... long story short, they decided to detour a bit into the woods and investigate. They come upon the house half-stuck in a small hill, in the middle of a swamp/shallow lake, and head straight for it. Folktales, eh?

When the get too close, there's a sound of shattering trees and something emerges from the woods... a giant pale slimy slug from fairyland that spits paralysing gobs of glue. (I had modified an old monster from 2nd Ed Dragonlance AD&D) The paladin not waiting for the others bravely charges with his lance... and gets hit frontally by a spitball and glued to his horse... which is lucky for him because he also fails his FORT save. So now he's paralysed, but can still command his warhorse to run at the slug to pierce it with his lance. (I roll a die to see how many rounds the glue lasts before it starts to crumble on air, and get a 1.) The lance hits, the horse gallops past the slug... unfortunately the lance gets stuck in the slug and the impact lifts the paladin backwards out of the saddle. Ouch. The singing bard scarpers into the swamp and towards the hill as the slug decides who to eat first. The thing is the size of a subway train. The fighter decides to heroically jump in front of the approaching slug while the warhorse tries to pull the paladin to safety with its teeth, and he hits the slug with his sword... only to discover that the slime on the slug's back is an adhesive, similar to Kuo-Toa slime. And he fails his STR check. The sword is stuck. The slug turns, bites him, and when it doesnt like the taste of chain shirt it slams him down and simply steamrollers over him (I was feeling merciful, but he still got trample damage). After the slug has crawled over him in pursuit of the screaming minstrel, the fighter is left lying flat on his back on the forest floor, covered in slime and feeling slightly flatter.

Meanwhile the sorc has climbed into a tree and is pelting the slug with magic missiles after he realized a fireball might set the forest on fire (it's summer).

The tiny gnome monk has decided to wade into the swampy lake to try and circle around the slug... but now he and the bard discover that the fairy queen left another surprise and they've been wading around in it... swarms of hungry leeches. (I love swarms.) Both characters run to the hill and start to pull off their clothes in an attempt to get rid of the leeches. The monk, who is wearing only a loincloth and a simple kneelength tunic, has just finished stripping completely naked when the slug is is aiming for them. So he grabs his two curved knives, makes a jump action... and takes a long jump on top of the slug and starts cutting into its squishy flesh with his knives.

The fighter gets back to his feet woozily and sees... a naked gnome covered in blood and gore, standing astride the giant slug and butchering it (he cut off the head with a lucky critical). And the bard, similarly naked, clinging to the hillock, white with terror.

For the rest of the day, the fighter was muttering under his breath about "naked screaming nudist midgets with knives". And for weeks the others kept teasing the monk everytime he attacked something, "Hey monk! Want to first drop your britches?"

The players really remember the day the heroes nearly got eaten by a slug.

[Rabiesbunny]

Eew! x_X The last thing I want to picture is a naked gnome!

[Tobrian]

(snip) but eventually we got to a temple in time, they cured me, but I was still bald. This was unacceptable, so I hired this alchemist to make me a hair growth potion. After he was done (a day or two), he gives it to me, but first does a little demonstration. He spills a drop on his palm, and a bush of hair sprouts from the spot. My character, of course, being thrilled with the prospect of having his beautiful white hair back, quickly takes it and says: I drink all of it.

Can't... stop... laughing...
Did you look like a quaggoth afterwards?

That reminds me of a time, way back in AD&D 2nd ed, when I asked our GM if my rogue/transmuter would be allowed to learn some additional cantrips from a the Complete Spell Compendium. One of the cantrips was called "Hairy". It made hair grow... even on things like peaches.

There was a long silence. THen the GM said, "Thanks. I didn't need this mental image of your character turning peaches into tribbles."

Edit:

Ouch... but was it lethal? If you had someone with medical skills on hand immediately, you could have been saved with a tracheotomy. Of course the surgery to get rid of the hair again would be...complicated at least.

Oh. Ooohhh. I guess I had the wrong idea. THat's definitely worse.

[Collin152]

Umm... Why did the Druid randomly cast a spell that destroyed the nearby trees? imean, Druids doing rituals that make them naked I can see, sure, but hurting trees? Unspeakable!


And yet... I want to play a druid now. And buy the spell compendium. >:D

[Rabiesbunny]

Umm... Why did the Druid randomly cast a spell that destroyed the nearby trees? imean, Druids doing rituals that make them naked I can see, sure, but hurting trees? Unspeakable!


And yet... I want to play a druid now. And buy the spell compendium. >:D

The beauty of Talontar! Talona is a nature goddess of disease and poison; her druids aren't so much about preserving nature, as they are learning to use poison, killing things, and causing massive plagues. My druid was wanting to test this out badly, and was SO excited when it worked!

:D!

It's so fuuuuuuuuuuun!

[Collin152]

o_O

.........
Muuuust.....
Plaaaay....
Druid...of... Talona!

[Rabiesbunny]

*Bursts into a fit of evil giggling*

Yes, yes! Join the ranks! Being an evil druid is so fun; Unapproachable East, they have their own PrC where you're permitted to violate druidic oath, so you can wear full plate, have a shield, use non-druidic weapons, advance almost fully in spells, AND gain an army of blightspawned creatures.

It's a power trip. I wish I could list all the hilarious moments stemming from her poisoning her Banite teammates, but they're too numerous. x)

[Aimbot]

(Originally in foot in mouth thread, realised this is less about wording than about dumb people in general)

Okay, I'm starting this thread because I have some BRILLIANT D and D stupidity stories to share, and I want to hear yours. Partially for fun, partially to make myself feel smart. And these aren't stupid character quotes unless they're really, really good. I don't want things that defy language; I want things that defy all basic common sense.

That said, here is my story (sadly, I am the perpetrator of this incident).

I tend to be a very smart and tactical D and D player, and only very rarely do I make mistakes. That said, though, occasionally I don't pay enough attention, and this COLLOSSAL show of idiocy during a low-level campaign keeps my friends wary of me to date:

My Scout: Do I see anything? I roll a Spot check. *rolls*
DM: You see a faint shimmering in the dark passage.
PC Barbarian: I head toward it.
DM: The shimmering is really a system of webs all along the passage! Make an Escape Artist check to avoid being entangled and unable to move!
PC Barbarian: *rolls* Crap.
PC Ninja: I head to his aid!
DM: Roll a Spot check as you run.
PC Ninja: *rolls* Wait, what?
DM: You see a family of giant spiders, climbing down the intricate webs to your struggling companion! To make it to him, roll an Escape Artist check.
PC Barbarian: You're a ninja, man. You screw this up and I'll smish you.
PC Ninja: *rolls* ONE! Crap!
PC Barbarian: If I could move now I WOULD smish you.
My Scout: Dude! The Spiders! Spiders!
NPC Spider1: Hssss! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 3+1 damage! Ow!
NPC Spider2: Shraaaaa! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 4+1 damage! Oooh!
NPC Spider3: Scree! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 1+1 damage! Gwah!
My Scout (looking above Barbarian): Oh man oh man oh man oh-
Large-size Spider: HREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 7+4 damage!
OW! You didn't say that one was BIG!
DM: Blame that on the ninja not asking me.
PC Ninja: Oh, come on-
My Scout (grinning): Wait! Don't worry guys! I just had a great idea! I can get 'em by setting fire to the web! *readies torch*
PC Barbarian: Wait...won't...not...um...! GAH!
PC Ninja: NOOO! NO NO NO WE CAN'T MOVE YOU IDIOT SUNUVABI-
My Scout: What? What??? *has already lowered torch*
DM: Oh...dear.
FHLAAAAAWSHWOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Three Smaller Spiders: Skraaah! 5 damage! Schreeekle! 4 damage! *drops* *drops* *drops*
Big Spider: MRIEEE 5 damage! EEEEE 6 damage! EEEEEE 5 damage! EEEEEEEEE 2 damage! EEEEE *falls from cieling* EERRRRG! 6 falling damage! *drops*
PC Barbarian: Ow. 6 damage! Ow. 3 damage! I'd better- 4 damage! die- 2 damage! soon- *drops, skin literally torched black*
My Scout (at a loss for words): eep.
PC Ninja: You god damn- 5 damage! Scout I- 1 damage! hate you so- 1 damage! f***ing- 3 damage! *crumples, smoldering, to his knees at -1 hp*
PC Ninja (lapsing into unconciousness): .....mmmuhhhhh....... *eyes loll back into head*
PC Ninja: ......shhhoooooowwww.......fuschhhinggggg........
PC Ninja (weakly raises finger):...........MUCH! *drops*



*Silence*



DM (Clapping Sarcastically): Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. You gonna loot your friends or just leave them there?
My Scout (Mouth wide open): ....guuuuhhhh....uhhhh.... *twitches*
My Scout: ........
My Scout: ...um...
My Scout: .....
My Scout: .....heh...huhm......oopsie?....
My Scout: .............................
My Scout: ...um...hehehe-about th-th-that-um-s-sorry!...
My Scout: .................................................. ...
My Scout: ...... *checks ninja's pockets*

It's not your fault they chose to spend their actions cursing you rather than performing the 'ol stop, drop and roll.
I already posted my dumbest moment:

I'm currently running a hairless Dwarven Defender (long story) named Jormund at level eight in a low magic campaign. He's Lawful Good, but I play him as more a Roy LG than a Miko LG. The party is mostly evil with a neutral or two. Early in the campaign we entered an inn in a wood and were beseeched to find the innkeeper’s kidnapped daughter. She was kidnapped by a group of large hominids (bugbears, we'd later discover) about two weeks beforehand. They left a letter in the field she was captured in saying that 1000 gold needed to be delivered to a specific spot under some rock in the badlands. The party spent 20 or 30 minutes debating what priority the trip was and whether we were prepared enough when my character piped in:

(We've haven't played a session in a few weeks and I can't recall the names of the other pcs, so it's just going to be classes, unfortunately.)

Jormund: 50 gold says she's dead.
Gladiator: Why do you say that? It's a ransom.
Jormund: A two week old ransom. One that orders cash to be planted before the girl is delivered.
Gladiator: Well, yeah, but that's awfully shaky grounds to make a bet on.
Jormund: Large demi-humans. A Poorly written ransom note.
Rouge/Monk: If you're implying that they're not bright, that seems more the reason they'd think they'd need to keep the girl alive.
Jormund: I'm implying that they're simple. These things have two options: carry, feed and shelter the pretty, tasty little elf girl or rape and or devour her and still collect a sizable ransom.
Rouge/Monk: Well, that makes sense, but do you really think they'd realize-
Jormund: Stupid and cunning are two different things entirely. They even called the place they kidnapped her, by all accounts a nondescript flowered clearing, "the killing place," for crying out loud.
Innkeeper: Oh god, you think my Elaine is dead?!

Caught me completely off guard. "Wait! We're still in the inn?"

Everyone nods.

"I thought we were out by the wagon checking suplies?"

Everyone shakes their heads.

"So I tried to start a dead pool for a man's daughter in front of him?"

Everyone nods.

Jormund: Err... No. I'm sure she's alright... Heh.

[Artanis]

I had a not-too-bright moment just last night.

I had gone to my parents' for my dad's birthday dinner, and so was playing that week's session on their computer (the campaign was over OpenRPG). It wasn't until the session was starting, however, that I realized I had forgotten to update the copy of my character sheet on my USB thumb drive. So I wound up having to play the session using character stats that were last updated sometime in December.

It was the first time the entire campaign that I was praying not to get into combat.

[Attilargh]

he hits the slug with his sword... only to discover that the slime on the slug's back is an adhesive, similar to Kuo-Toa slime.

The monk, who is wearing only a loincloth and a simple kneelength tunic, has just finished stripping completely naked when the slug is is aiming for them. So he grabs his two curved knives, makes a jump action... and takes a long jump on top of the slug and starts cutting into its squishy flesh with his knives.

Did his, er, valuables stick on the slug or..?

[Nahal]

Meh. I wouldn't be surprised if one of my DMs sent a group of level 10's against a level 25 lich. I've seen him send level 10 troll/fighters against a level 5 party, and a level 70 cycloptic lich against a level 20-22 party. Or rather, send the party against the lich. Very fine difference.

Another group is 20-22 and going to fight Tiamat, though we brought that on ourselves.

The difference is in how good your DM is. Being a jerk about something like that is just ridiculous. Gotta be reasonable if you're going to send something stupid-powerful at the party.

Epic-level opponents are how my GM keeps us honest. It's a guarantee that the mastermind enemy we are facing is mind-bogglingly beyond our abilities (or will be the minute we start acting stupid. He doesn't like his (usually very cool and intricate) plots being messed with but has a brain, so we have 3 ways out of a given sticky situation and a number of possible end results. However, acting like jackasses is a great way to get an entire military installation on our butts.

[Voleta]

I'll join the crowd and post a couple stupid/amusing things that have been done in my gamin groups.

First one, bout a year ago, I'm dming for a group of teenage boys. Yes, a 19 year old girl, dm'ing for a group of socially inept boys who all know that she will soon be single. The entire time was pretty much them trying to one up eachother to impress me, and see who could touch my boobs. Anyway, they were all like, level 6 or thereabouts. They were traveling along a lake with my horrible horrible DMPC that was a half-fey grippli (first time in charge, sue me).

So they're going along this lake, and this non-agressive shambling mound, er shambles acrosst he road to reach the lake. The group does various things, like peeking under its leaves, staying the heck away from it, petting it (and it reaches up one vine and pets his face back, kinda like the thing from Abyss) and one guy.. pees on it. Yes, he whips out his boybits, and urinates on the huge, moving bush. Knowing that it had just used a vine to interact with another player. The shambling mound did not take kindly to this, and wrapped a vine around his.. urinating device, and tore it off. The group proceeds to freak out, and the penisless idiot dives into the bush to retrieve his missing parts. There was a fireball flung, and I felt like I'd been mean and cruel enough (and they were really all about to die. The mound was supposed to be an interesting creature to pass by on the road, not an encounter. I should have known better). So, I had my dmpc kill the mound with a touch (yes yes bad), and three failed heal checks (rolled a 1, 1, and a 1), the penis was sown back on. Upside down, without any form of pain killers. She's a fricking grippli, she doesn't know how human parts work! The game died a few sessions later...after they met a trio of young copper dragons that liked to polymorph into children. Yeaaa that didn't go so well either.


Yesterday, i was playing a CN gnome bard (distilled me with exaggerated amounts of "vocal creativity") in a group with some friends. The rest of the group is made up of an elven cleric (whoms player is in a relationship with the DM, and used to be in one with me) as well as a dwarf fighter (husband of the cleric's player) , a rogue, a wizard, and ranger (married to the wizard's player). All of them are good alignments. Yes, dynamcis are confusing. Just keep in mind the classes, the alignments, and that there are enough convoluted relationships going on that makes the following turn into something hilariosly awkward.

We leave come across a carnivous rhino and kill it. While they are dismantaling a corpse, I meet a raven who can talk. He tells me, repeatedly and very very annoyingly, that his owner needs help. I manage to get the group going, and we try to save him (I think that most of this part is elaborated in another post somewhere, so I will be very breif). We rescue him from the orcs, and the big bad orc cleric is sedated and held prisoner (mainly due to my actions). In this world, there are very very few gnomes, so naturally a lowly gnome wizard falls in love with the dashing, 18cha gnomette that just singlehandedly(according to her) rescued him. And being CN, she wants to know if he's rich, etc, and takes it as a chance to breed, as she might not see another male gnome while in her prime. Anyway, everyone is cringing as the DM and I flirt as our characters, and eventually we make camp. There is no gnome mating, as its 'been a long day', but my character does steal her potential lover's cloak cause.. well cause she can. We make it to town, and my character stays at the gnome npc's house, attempts to rob him blind (he got home early though, curses!) and is all settled to become an NPC aristocrat, abusing her mate's money and power, while the other PCs get to pay out the nose for boarding and training. Its not so much as a stupid pc moment but.. a hilariously awkward series of events that cumulated in "Yea, I have a waterbed and a bunch of ale. want to go repopulate the world?".

[brian c]

The rest of the group is made up of an elven cleric (whoms player is in a relationship with the DM, and used to be in one with me) as well as a dwarf fighter (husband of the cleric's player)

okay, wait wait wait... The dwarf fighter is the husband of the cleric's player, so the fighter is a guy and the cleric is a girl. The cleric's player is in a relationship with the DM and used to be in one with you... unless there's more than one cleric (or you mistyped something) then this situation is very complicated and i don't see how you can all hang out and game together with that going on.

[Swordguy]

okay, wait wait wait... The dwarf fighter is the husband of the cleric's player, so the fighter is a guy and the cleric is a girl. The cleric's player is in a relationship with the DM and used to be in one with you... unless there's more than one cleric (or you mistyped something) then this situation is very complicated and i don't see how you can all hang out and game together with that going on.

No, it's possible. I've DM'd a group of one other (polyamorous) guy, and 4 other females (2 of which were currently in a relationship with him, and one was his ex. The other female was/is my wife. His ex at the time was also in a relationship with the girl who became my wife.).

It led to some...interesting...after-game conversations. Never any hard feelings, though, amusingly enough. It helps that everyone involved is quite mature, though.

[Voleta]

As Swordguy said, Polyamory is reason that such confusion exists.

I'm asexual (indifferent to gender of partner), and everyone but the ranger and wizard are poly. It gets even more complicated when you bring in our other "lifestyle choices", but the gist of it is that we are much closer than most friends, and when you know someone that well, its hard to stay away from them too long. We parted on good terms, and I'm actually going to be DM'ing another game for them shortly.

To stay on topic:
I played a favoured soul of Chauntea in a Living Realms game. My then-boyfriend played my character's twin brother, who was a very boistrous and outgoing psychic warrior (I think. I forget exactly what, but his class isn't relevant except that he was melee). After many explosions due to having a truck full of alchemist fire and black powder, a gnome artificer with his sack full of inventions, and a less-than-stable wizard, we were all about to die. My char's brother was fighting a troll while pretty much everyone tried to run.

So the troll gets a critical. And then another. The DM ruled that the character was pretty much split from the neck down, and pegged aginst a tree by his own sword. My non-barbarian character sees his best friend and brother slaughtered, and rushes in with his scythe. And does maybe two damage before falling. Thank goodness for runes of cure moderate wounds.

[hewhosaysfish]

I'm asexual (indifferent to gender of partner)

I think you mean bisexual. Asexual is something different.