Why Kid Jake Is Still Single (With Examples!)

[Grinner]

Leading me to believe that I've either got a face for radio, or the secret to wooing lies in playing dirty mad libs.

It's sometimes said that the first step in a successful dating career is being attractive. But hey, if dating doesn't work out for you, there's always stand-up comedy.

[Jormengand]

A lot of theses are so borderline-offensive that I feel like I should be annoyed, but then I realise that you're not actually insulting anyone and certainly not being malicious. What you are being, however, is hilarious.

Hey, kinda like the old UTCS!

[Kid Jake]

Sometimes I approach this level of snark. But not quite. And certainly not nearly as often.

Funny(sadly?) enough it's not just the internet that brings this out in me. My almost five year old niece believed, until very recently, that if a clown bites you; you become a clown and that eagles were the #1 cause of missing children based on my offhand answers to her innocent questions. Her mom was particularly unamused when she claimed to know where babies came from and then went and got the movie Alien to demonstrate.

It's sometimes said that the first step in a successful dating career is being attractive. But hey, if dating doesn't work out for you, there's always stand-up comedy.

Sort of like a younger, hairier, slightly more alive Rodney Dangerfield.

A lot of theses are so borderline-offensive that I feel like I should be annoyed, but then I realise that you're not actually insulting anyone and certainly not being malicious. What you are being, however, is hilarious.

Hey, kinda like the old UTCS!

Ahaha, I didn't think anyone would remember those.

Wish I coulda kept that going, stupid expensive bandwidth....

[georgie_leech]

Okay, that bowling one legitimately made me laugh out loud. If nothing else, perhaps someone will appreciate your humour and you can get into snark offs at lousy commercials or bad political commentary.

[Algeh]

See, if I thought that putting up an online dating profile would lead to replies like these rather than pictures of body parts that can't be shown on broadcast television and tacky pick-up lines (probably also about body parts that can't be shown on broadcast television), I'd be much more likely to sign up. I'd rather wade through nonsense than grossness any day.

However, I've found that most people aren't sarcasm fans the way I am, so I can also see why this strategy isn't netting you much in the way of actual dates. I've had to dial my own level of sarcasm way back when at work or otherwise trying to get people I don't know well to keep interacting with me. On the other hand, anyone who does want to go on a date with you after getting messages like that will probably enjoy your sense of humor in-person too, assuming it's similar. You'll just have to accept a much lower response rate in the meantime.

[AMFV]

On a more serious note. I suspect that the reason that your snarky messages aren't getting a lot of response isn't because of their quality (they're pretty damn funny), but because nothing tends to be worse at the start then trying to demonstrate how clever you are. It's the somewhat nerdy version of being the douchebag who plays a guitar in a public place without a shirt. In my personal experience (ladies, and possibly gents as well, although that's outside of my personal experience) tend to be not super-impressed with a romantic partner who starts off by trying to showily impress them. I did a lot of the same initially, then I realized that it was much better to have a more subtle type of showiness, and that's worked quite well for me.

[lio45]

On a more serious note. I suspect that the reason that your snarky messages aren't getting a lot of response isn't because of their quality (they're pretty damn funny), but because nothing tends to be worse at the start then trying to demonstrate how clever you are. It's the somewhat nerdy version of being the douchebag who plays a guitar in a public place without a shirt. In my personal experience (ladies, and possibly gents as well, although that's outside of my personal experience) tend to be not super-impressed with a romantic partner who starts off by trying to showily impress them. I did a lot of the same initially, then I realized that it was much better to have a more subtle type of showiness, and that's worked quite well for me.

Yeah, you're very correct there -- but I don't think the OP is complaining that he's staying single. He's just enjoying the trolling...

What he does, the obvious goal is to have fun, not to get conversations leading to dates then to relationships.

If he wants to ask for advice on how to make online dating work, then that's a whole different ball game, but he didn't. I suspect he doesn't need any :)

[AMFV]

Yeah, you're very correct there -- but I don't think the OP is complaining that he's staying single. He's just enjoying the trolling...

What he does, the obvious goal is to have fun, not to get conversations leading to dates then to relationships.

If he wants to ask for advice on how to make online dating work, then that's a whole different ball game, but he didn't. I suspect he doesn't need any :)

Certainly possible, although the other comment about the "no responses except for the trolling account with picatures" was the one I was mostly responding to. There's nothing wrong with having fun that way, to my thinking. Mostly I was just providing my suspicions as to why these are responded to so positively here, and not there.

[Kid Jake]

Oh, I can definitely see that. In my experience, my BS has always rubbed people the wrong way. My longest relationship ever lasted about four weeks and I'm pretty sure I kept her pissed off at least two of them. I'd love to find somebody capable of putting up with me, but I've witnessed enough failed marriages and soul sucking pairings to know that I'd rather get the rejection out of the way early; while it's still funny.

[Kid Jake]

Spoiler: Based on some responses she's received, she wonders what sort of clientele this site caters to.

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People. This site caters to people. And people, taken as a whole, are crazy.

Spoiler: She comments on all the wonderful stuff she's discovered since moving to North Carolina.

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I didn't realize North Carolina offered much besides mountains and meth heads. You must be way better, or way worse, at finding fun stuff than I am.

Spoiler: Not sure the context.

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Just...how many people have asked you about cuckolding? Because one seems excessive.

Spoiler: Another attempt at teaching someone to gamble.

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The trick to poker as a novice is to go all in every hand. Don't even look at your cards, it'll just give away your hand, just glare ahead and push your chips into the center of the table.

Nobody wants to be the idiot knocked out in a single hand by the newb, so they'll generally back down for a few hands; giving you enough time to milk their antes for all they're worth. After that, fake a Charlie horse and flee with your winnings.

Once you master that you can move up to trying to bump the roulette wheel without anyone noticing.

You know, the secrets the pros don't want anyone knowing.

Spoiler: I assume this was supposed to be charming.

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Breathing AND kicking, you're truly a jack-of-all-trades. Have you ever considered teaching a class?

Spoiler: She likes making stuff at home.

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You seem like the kind of person to enjoy a challenge. Have you ever given moonshine a try? It's easier than it looks...so long as you don't go blind.

Spoiler: Another one that would make more sense if I had a drinking problem.

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Absolutely no offense intended, and in all fairness I only skimmed your profile and you seemed nice, but the way you listed 'Bodies of water; puppies; purpose and passport' one after another kinda made me picture you as a dashing international dog murderer and for some reason I felt the need to share that.

Why? Couldn't begin to tell you. I figure anyone that takes a six hour plane ride to drown someone's dog has a pretty good reason and it ain't my place to guess.

Spoiler: She saw me coming.

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Damn, I got to the end of your profile and started to message you when I noticed the 'No crazy weirdos' clause.

You've foiled me this time.

[2D8HP]

Damn, I got to the end of your profile and started to message you when I noticed the 'No crazy weirdos' clause.

You've foiled me this time.

You could've also gone with:
"I'm not crazy, YOUR the one that's crazy". And then ask for a Pepsi.
That always impresses the ladies.

Spoiler: Contex

Show

Institutionalized: a mid 1980's "song" by the band Suicidal Tendencies

Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted too
And I get real frustrated, and its like
And I try hard to do it and take my time
And it just doesn't work out the way I want it too
It's like I concentrate on it real hard but it just doesn't work out
And everything I do and everything I try, it never turns out
It's like I need time to figure these things out
But there's always someone there going

Hey Mike: You know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately
You know, maybe you get away, and like maybe you should talk about it,
You'll feel a lot better

And I go: No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out
Just leave me alone I'll figure it out
You know I'll just work it on myself,

And they go: Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here, you know
And you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it, so want don't you talk about it

And I go: No I don't want to, I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself
And they just keep bugging me and they just keep bugging me
And it builds up inside

So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way

I'm not crazy - institution
You're the one who's crazy - institution
You're driving me crazy - institution
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy - myself

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about everything
But then again I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there she called my name
And I didn't even hear it, and then she started screaming: MIKE! MIKE!
And I go: What, what's the matter?
And she goes: What's the matter with you?
I go: There's nothing wrong mom
And she goes: Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!
And I go: No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I was just thinking you know,
Why don't you get me a Pepsi
And she goes: No you're on drugs!
I go: Mom I'm okay, I'm just thinking
She goes: No you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!
I go: Mom just give me a Pepsi, please
All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me
Just a Pepsi

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - institution
You're the one who's crazy - institution
You're driving me crazy - institution
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy - myself

I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in
And they pulled up a chair and they sat down, they go:
Mike, we need to talk to you
And I go: Okay what's the matter
They go:
Me and your mom have been noticing lately that you've been having a lot of problems,
You've been going off for no reason and we're afraid you're gonna hurt somebody,
We're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself
So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere
Where you could get the help that you need
And I go: Wait, what are you talking about, we decided!?
My best interest?! How do you know what's my best interest is?
How can you say what my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I'm crazy?
When I went to your schools, I went to your churches,
I went to your institutional learning facilities?! So how can you say I'm crazy?

They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - institution
You're the one who's crazy - institution
You're driving me crazy - institution
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy - myself

It doesn't matter, I'll probably get hit by a car anyway

[FinnLassie]

Spoiler: I assume this was supposed to be charming.

Show

Breathing AND kicking, you're truly a jack-of-all-trades. Have you ever considered teaching a class?

Whoa, whoa there. Flashback. Damn. Someone's tried using a very similar hit up line on me. IRL and in Finnish though.

A cold stare and leaving the premises with my friends was an appropriate response in my opinion...

[Kid Jake]

Whoa, whoa there. Flashback. Damn. Someone's tried using a very similar hit up line on me. IRL and in Finnish though.

A cold stare and leaving the premises with my friends was an appropriate response in my opinion...

That was about her response too.

[JNAProductions]

Funny(sadly?) enough it's not just the internet that brings this out in me. My almost five year old niece believed, until very recently, that if a clown bites you; you become a clown and that eagles were the #1 cause of missing children based on my offhand answers to her innocent questions. Her mom was particularly unamused when she claimed to know where babies came from and then went and got the movie Alien to demonstrate.

OH MY GOD! I am laughing out loud at that, especially the Alien bit. That is GOLD, man! Gold!

[Kid Jake]

Oh she's at least as much of a trip as I am. I have a couple of these, but can only post one per message. I went with this one first since it's on topic and everything.

Spoiler

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[Kid Jake]

Spoiler: She really likes skittles.

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I love how you categorize people who hate skittles in the same class with sexually deviant serial killers.

Spoiler: No context.

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I can relate to feeling a little isolated; seems like everyone I knew ten years ago's either dead or an *******. Of course, in hindsight most of them were probably *******s to begin with.

Spoiler: Also no context.

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Fragrance consultant, eh? People come in and you hint that they stink? Ingenious.

Spoiler: She's looking for her knight in shining armor.

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You'll never find your knight in shining armor on the interwebs; their gauntlets make typing next to impossible. Your best bet to land a man of chivalry and honor is to sequester yourself in a castle in some dark and distant land. Does Mexico have a Disney World? Because I'm pretty sure that'd work in a pinch...

Spoiler: She believes that Santa teaches kids morals and values.

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Plus he's a great money saver. Just keep saying "Well you obviously did SOMETHING or Santa would have visited."

Spoiler: She also believes that Santa teaches a valuable lesson, this time about faith.

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That's one way of looking at it, but what happens when they find out that they've been lied to all this time? Suddenly it seems silly to believe in anything that you can't touch, feel or see. Next thing you know they'll doubt this thing called 'gravity' that everyone's talking about and then BAM.

Tragically splatted before their time.

Spoiler: She just wants somebody to hang out and game with.

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What kind of games are you into? I've been looking for somebody to help me do bad, bad things in Ark if you're interested/like to hear 12 year olds whine because you ate their hard earned dinosaurs.

Spoiler: No context for this one either.

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So..people just randomly attack you? That seems kind of odd. I mean, they're all the time picking fights with me, but I sort of ask for it.... You actually seem fairly likeable.

Spoiler: Self explanatory.

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So, are you a musician or did you just hijack a trombone for your photo?

Spoiler: Never take my advice.

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Whenever somebody wants you to identify something over the phone, just tell them that the only surefire way to know for sure is that ____ tastes like cinnamon.

Worked for me when my sister wanted to know how to spot a blown fuse.

Spoiler: No idea.

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But how often do you get to go Wheel of Fortuning?

Spoiler: Bonus

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[Jon_Dahl]

I'll participate too with some Whatsapp and Skype messages. It took me this long because I had to translate them all.

Spoiler: 1

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(I send a picture of a lake close to my apartment)
A girlfriend candidate: "Oh, that is so lovely! What a beautiful lake!!"
Me: "I'll throw you in it."

Spoiler: 2

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Me: "You should be a model."
A girlfriend candidate: "Models are tall, I'm not."
Me: "Children's clothing?"

Spoiler: 3

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Me: "Can we talk?"
A female friend: "Noooo, I'm so ugly right now!"
Me: "That's ok. So what have you been doing lately, except being ugly?"

Spoiler: 4

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Then-girlfriend: "I'd like to have an outdoor wedding."
Me: "That sounds excellent! Are you going to lose some weight for your wedding dress?"
(Earlier on, her doctor had strongly urged her to lose some weight because her cholesterol was dangerously high)

Spoiler: 5

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A girlfriend candidate: "We have so many differences... Men and women are so different and then we have cultural differences too."
Me: "And don't forget the age difference!"
girlfriend candidate: "Yes, that too!"
Me: "But it's ok. You can always tell me how it was in Noah's Ark."

Spoiler: 6

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A female friend: "I think you're a perv."
Me: "Yeah, but you know... I'm worried about you."
Female friend: "Why?"
Me: "You come online and talk with pervs. What's this, girl?"

[georgie_leech]

...Maybe it loses something in translation.

[Jon_Dahl]

...Maybe it loses something in translation.

Yeah, English is not the language of humor, if you ask me.

[Kid Jake]

Spoiler: She admits that she once played a rogue in D&D, but isn't very Dexterous in real life.

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I can relate. I once played an awakened cow in 3.5, but in RL my milk production is downright terrible.

Spoiler: She says "I am a complete goober with a side of geek-burger, but in a completely adorable way."

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You could make it a hat-trick if you go with 'adorkable' instead.

Spoiler: Not sure what prompted this.

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Have you ever tried wearing a cardigan on a rollercoaster? I don't want to put ideas in your head or anything, but if you're as good as you say you are; you might just set a record.

Spoiler: A wasted opportunity.

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You know, it's customary that when you begin a sentence with "Medical Laboratory Technician by day" you end it with "Masked Vigilante by night."

Spoiler: She binges Korean Drama.

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I didn't realize that Korea pumped out enough dramas to actually binge watch. I think I've seen like...two Korean movies ever, and I'm pretty sure they both turned out to be about dragons(spoiler?).

Do you special order them, or am I missing a tab in Netflix?

Spoiler: She wonders what the future will be like.

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A lot like the past, except their gladiators have unionized....

Spoiler: She responded to a match question which read "Do rivers, mountains and other natural places call out to you?" with "Call out? What does that even mean?"

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Maybe the guy that wrote that question was a geomancer?

Spoiler: She says that beards should be well-kept and clean, not a place to store crumbs and snacks.

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But what am I to do come winter?

Spoiler: She wants to know why people grow beards to begin with.

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As a log-time beard owner I can say with some certainty that it's a decision very few people regret. They cushion you from very specific falls, give you something to stroke majestically in you hour of triumph and keep your face warm in inclement weather.

Spoiler: There's a question about willingly sabotaging contraceptives. She asks "What kind of question IS this!?"

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It's meant to separate the raging psychos from the ones that at least know how to lie.

Spoiler: She objects to the term 'stupid' preferring 'uneducated' instead.

Show

There's a tangible difference between uneducated and stupid though. An uneducated person may not know the difference between their, there and they're, annoying but inoffensive for the most part. A stupid person on the other hand may kill themselves trying to find out what a light socket tastes like.

Spoiler: She wonders why penguins are always so dressed up.

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They're just vain. Ever since that movie came out they're just so full of themselves...

Spoiler: She wonders why a married person would check that box if they were on here looking for a date.

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Some people are both unfaithful and easily tricked. It weeds out the sleazy and stupid.

Spoiler: She said "I used to really hate gesutral art, but now I dig it. (Hey, I just used a phrase from the Bradey Bunch!)"

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I don't remember the Bradies throwing around gestural...

Spoiler: No context.

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Wow, sixteen minutes and someone's already offered you a **** shot? I tell ya, they stay on top of these things.

Spoiler: Self explanatory...kinda.

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Noticed you mentioned a 1 1/2 inch scar on your wrist. I actually got one of those myself, came from a broken glass laying me open. I've always found that the most interesting story for most situations is to tell people that it's where I first found the listening device. Keep a straight face and speak in whispers and they'll either get real interested or never talk to you again... Not really much middle ground.

Spoiler: No explanation.

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I'm glad to find somebody else that hates that stupid little anime face. The first time somebody did ^_^ at me I asked if that was the stroke smiley.

Spoiler: Also no context.

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Is it weird that the first thing I thought when I saw your username was 'Silly, that's not how you spell Kiss-A-Mama....'

Spoiler: Advice to live by.

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An apathetic person might be boring, but they're usually easy to get along with at least. It's the ones that give a damn about something that get unpleasant.

[BWR]

Yeah, English is not the language of humor, if you ask me.

Whuh?
How, pray tell, do you reason this to be the case?

[Kid Jake]

Whuh?
How, pray tell, do you reason this to be the case?

Well...I mean, can you name one funny person that speaks English?

[Jon_Dahl]

Whuh?
How, pray tell, do you reason this to be the case?

This:

Well...I mean, can you name one funny person that speaks English?

And, furthermore, when I read the stuff I just posted in Portuguese, it was super hilarous, but when I read it in English... meh... So it's a good example. There is no flowing cheekiness in English. English is for other stuff.

[golentan]

Humor tends to work best in context.

In this case, the context appears to be you threatening or "negging" women and then laughing about how clever you were.

[Jon_Dahl]

Humor tends to work best in context.

In this case, the context appears to be you threatening or "negging" women and then laughing about how clever you were.

Yes, and it's obviously a joke.

[golentan]

Yes, and it's obviously a joke.

And you know what? I believe that you believe that.

You know the common thread that make Kid Jake's jokes charming? When there's a goat, it's usually Kid Jake or societal expectations, and when there isn't it's a subversion of expectations/a clever play on words.

[Jon_Dahl]

And you know what? I believe that you believe that.

You know the common thread that make Kid Jake's jokes charming? When there's a goat, it's usually Kid Jake or societal expectations, and when there isn't it's a subversion of expectations/a clever play on words.

In my case I know that they are funny because I've made my friends laugh when I've shown the original versions to them. "Ark of Noah" is considered a masterpiece, a joke that ended all jokes.

[golentan]

In my case I know that they are funny because I've made my friends laugh when I've shown the original versions to them. "Ark of Noah" is considered a masterpiece, a joke that ended all jokes.

You know that not all audiences react the same, don't you? There are jokes which will kill in some audiences and get you killed in others. Based on what you've described of your circle of friends, I suspect you're living in an echo chamber with some amazing acoustics.

[Jon_Dahl]

You know that not all audiences react the same, don't you? There are jokes which will kill in some audiences and get you killed in others. Based on what you've described of your circle of friends, I suspect you're living in an echo chamber with some amazing acoustics.

You're right, I'm very lucky to have my little circle of friends.

[Quild]

The Axis joke is comedy gold and some others are really good.

As it was said, not sure that's the better first approach though, even toward a girl who would love that kind of jokes in the end.


Also, maybe a better picture would help. Not sure which other ones you have on your profile.
I'm not fond of the beard you seem to be wearing, but I'm disgressing.