LGBTAI+ #58 Infinity 2.0: The Darth Arminius Apology Thread

[Lissou]

Awesome, Ravens_cry! Congratulations!

[ArlEammon]

Can I talk to someone in PM?

[Dire Moose]

Congratulations ravens_cry! So proud of you!

[lio45]

This post really upsets me for a silly reason. You have more than one form of picture ID?

It's pretty standard for banks, etc. here in Canada to demand at least two different picture IDs when they need to have you identified formally. The standard three are drivers' license, health insurance card, and passport. If you only have one, then I believe your birth certificate (picture-less) can serve as the secondary piece of ID.

[The Extinguisher]

It's pretty standard for banks, etc. here in Canada to demand at least two different picture IDs when they need to have you identified formally. The standard three are drivers' license, health insurance card, and passport. If you only have one, then I believe your birth certificate (picture-less) can serve as the secondary piece of ID.

I've lived in multiple provinces and never had a picture on my health card? Like yeah places want two pieces of id but usually just one picture is fine. I've used my SIN card as id and that's just a number on some plastic.

[Togath]

So... um...
Hmm...
I'm in the position of having to support a transgirl who just came out for the first time today. She's rather shy, and I'm kind of worried I'm seeing overly clingy/eager to give advice/etc. Anyone have thoughts? They've described it as wanting to try out going by a female name and pronouns this week, but have shown a lot of indicators of being trans in the past, so I think they just might not have had enough courage to try until now.
I guess part of the issue is they're my girlfriend, so i'm worried they'll get scared and think they have to go back to being masculine for my sake or something.
Sorry if this is kinda rambly. I guess I was just sort of surprised.

[JNAProductions]

So... um...
Hmm...
I'm in the position of having to support a transgirl who just came out for the first time today. She's rather shy, and I'm kind of worried I'm seeing overly clingy/eager to give advice/etc. Anyone have thoughts? They've described it as wanting to try out going by a female name and pronouns this week, but have shown a lot of indicators of being trans in the past, so I think they just might not have had enough courage to try until now.
I guess part of the issue is they're my girlfriend, so i'm worried they'll get scared and think they have to go back to being masculine for my sake or something.
Sorry if this is kinda rambly. I guess I was just sort of surprised.

I don't know full well what you should do. The best advice I think you can give is probably two-fold:

1) Make it clear that you support her fully, 100%, etc. etc., and you still love her.

2) Ask her how you can help. She might not know, but there's a decent chance that she has some ideas of how you can support her.

Besides that, good luck!

[Heliomance]

So a few years ago I remember a discussion here about why you see women fighting for inclusion in STEM fields, but not in low-status traditionally male jobs like sanitation. I remember someone (Lena, maybe?) posted an excellent article about how that was complete rubbish, and that they are in fact trying to get those jobs as well. I'm now having that same argument again, but I can't track down the article in question. Any help?

[Astrella]

I don't remember, sorry. :c

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A friend linked me this cool greaser-style comic with gay, trans and non-binary characters. It's not super super long but I enjoyed it a lot.

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So, it's been almost 3 weeks since surgery, and I figure I can write a lil report. Warning for genital and surgery descriptions of course.

The weeks leading up to surgery I was incredibly anxious, and scared that it would result in me actually being more dysphoric rather than less. But when I actually checked into the hospital the day before I suddenly felt really calm. You have to drink several liters of this awful goop though to clear your bowels which was less fun.

Surgery itself went well, less pain than I expected. The first five days you have a prosthetic in so the cavity can heal and you have to keep laying on your back, which is a bit annoying, but luckily I managed to sleep a lot. Eating went a bit less well but that might also be cause it was a low-fiber diet (cause you can't use the restroom yet).

Monday (fifth day after surgery) the prosthetic was taken out for the first time. This is also when I had to start to learn how to dilate. So like, the thing is that the bottom pelvic muscles aren't accustomed to their being a cavity, so you have to regularly insert the prosthetic and leave it in for a bit so the muscles accommodate. This lessens a lot after a while, right now I still have to do it three times a day and at night. (using bikes short to keep it in and have to stay on your back) Eventually it goes down to once a week though. (And even forgoing it won't make stuff seal up again, you might lose some depth. The whole, a neovagina is an open wound you have to keep open you hear sometimes is just a myth.)

The annoying part was though that dilating is hard, and I had some unhelpful nurses the second part of my stay. One even got angry at me for not hurrying up while dilating even though I was in lots of pain cause as it turned out my urinal catheter had gotten clogged. :/ And just, iunno, very little patience and shortness from some of the nurses which other patients didn't get. And apparently basically every trans woman who's had surgery has had some bad experiences with nurses. (I did have some good and nice ones too luckily.)

All that with how difficult dilating was and the treatment and having to stay a day longer just made me feel like I made a big mistake and had gotten myself into a mess and caused a panic attack on Wednesday for which they had to give me xanax. Once I got home the day after things were getting a bit better though. And apparently feelings of doubt are common cause of aftercare and hospital stay (which has very little private space) being rough. Hospital stay ended up being 8 days total.

I had my first check up on Friday and everything was alright. Lil bit of my skin graft had gotten lose and had to be cut away but that was no issue. (I had to have some skin from my abdomen used cause I didn't have enough "material"). Dilating is still very time consuming but I'm overall doing better and mentally feeling pretty decent actually. If anyone has questions whatsoever feel free to ask. :)

[golentan]

First of all, I hope all of that is going well for you, and would like to offer congratulations. I'm sorry to hear about the trouble with the nurses and with your post-surgical care.

I admit I'm curious if you've noticed a change in your dysphoria since you've gotten home, and whether you've had problems with incisions when dilating on your own time?

[JNAProductions]

Snipped

Well that was more detail than I needed. :P

However...

but I'm overall doing better and mentally feeling pretty decent actually

Yay! That's awesome to hear! It seems like you feel like you made the right decision, so we're happy for you. :)

[Astrella]

First of all, I hope all of that is going well for you, and would like to offer congratulations. I'm sorry to hear about the trouble with the nurses and with your post-surgical care.

I admit I'm curious if you've noticed a change in your dysphoria since you've gotten home, and whether you've had problems with incisions when dilating on your own time?

Thank you.

Well the whole area is still pretty sensitive, I have to sit on a donut shaped pillow so I'm still quite aware of it. However, even though it's not healed fully, when I'm prepping for dilating I can just, like, not have pants on and be okay with that and just lay there for a lil bit and be at ease, which I couldn't with my old bits. And well, with my old bits I often got annoyed at them being in the way and stuff but that's not something I've been able to verify yet. (also have to wear surgical pads so don't get the full flatness yet but it being flatter is nice though.)

Not sure what you mean with incisions?

[golentan]

I'm gonna spoiler this for risk of upset: don't feel you need to read or answer if it'd upset you? My interest is mainly medical.

Spoiler: Spoiler

Show

I have a lot of experience with genital surgery, but mostly on dog and cat patients. I also get squeamish about surgery with people I care about, partly because... I've seen a fair number of ways things can go wrong. Given how many trans friends I have, I'm trying to assure myself to worry less about this specific topic, because I want to be a supportive friend (and possibly a supportive spouse down the line, depending on my fiance's decisions down the line).

Basically, if care of your vulva is not causing the incisions to be inflamed, seep, or the sutures to come loose/the incision to reopen partially, that's good news for me? And if that is a problem... I was wondering if you had been given advice for dealing with it, or found a way to make life easier for yourself?

I'm even curious whether they placed any stitches internally, with dissolving suture, or whether there are external ties that they had to remove for you? Or how important it is to keep your vulva clean and dry as per the doctor?

[Astrella]

I'm gonna spoiler this for risk of upset: don't feel you need to read or answer if it'd upset you? My interest is mainly medical.

Spoiler: Spoiler

Show

I have a lot of experience with genital surgery, but mostly on dog and cat patients. I also get squeamish about surgery with people I care about, partly because... I've seen a fair number of ways things can go wrong. Given how many trans friends I have, I'm trying to assure myself to worry less about this specific topic, because I want to be a supportive friend (and possibly a supportive spouse down the line, depending on my fiance's decisions down the line).

Basically, if care of your vulva is not causing the incisions to be inflamed, seep, or the sutures to come loose/the incision to reopen partially, that's good news for me? And if that is a problem... I was wondering if you had been given advice for dealing with it, or found a way to make life easier for yourself?

I'm even curious whether they placed any stitches internally, with dissolving suture, or whether there are external ties that they had to remove for you? Or how important it is to keep your vulva clean and dry as per the doctor?

Spoiler

Show

Hmm, I haven't had any bleeding since getting home from the hospital really, only wound fluid and that's gotten a lot less too. Only had bleeding for the first few days of dilating really and not that much then. I can see stiches on the outside, they're the dissolving kind I believe. They haven't had to remove anything beyond the initial prosthetic. I'm not sure if there's stitches internally, but the surgeon can probably tell, can ask if you want. Though if they just turn the skin inside out they might not have to stitch? Or maybe they uses surgical glue, they used that for the scar on my stomach at least. Nothing's been sad about keeping it dry honestly, I have to use an irrigator to clean the vagina with a diluted iso-betadine solution, and was told to drip that over the stitches too.

[super dark33]

I just (willingly) listened to Never Gonna Give You Up (again) and noticed that except from references to the singer ("you wont be getting this from, any other guy...") its very gender neutral in regards to the subject.

This song is very Bi.

[Astrella]

I love interpreting songs like that.

[Sobol]

I thought that "guy" is gradually becoming gender-neutral in English - and you can say "Hi, guys" to a company of women, too.

[137beth]

I thought that "guy" is gradually becoming gender-neutral in English - and you can say "Hi, guys" to a company of women, too.

I was under the impression that "guys" (plural) has become gender neutral, while "guy" (singular) is still masculine.

[noparlpf]

Congrats, Astrella! Sorry about the trouble with the nurses but I'm glad to hear things are going well overall. How much longer is the recovery time supposed to be? By three weeks the skin should be pretty much healed but I guess you're still going to be a bit sore/tender for a couple more weeks?

[Astrella]

Congrats, Astrella! Sorry about the trouble with the nurses but I'm glad to hear things are going well overall. How much longer is the recovery time supposed to be? By three weeks the skin should be pretty much healed but I guess you're still going to be a bit sore/tender for a couple more weeks?

Recovery is usually about two months, then everything's healed up enough to go to work again and the dilating schedule has eased up enough. Skin seems mostly healed yeh, still see quite a few stitches though. And stuff's still sore, less so than at the start but I still need a donut pillow to sit and stuff. One of my friends that got surgery a bit before me was cleared for bike riding at 7 weeks.

[Lissou]

Grats Astrella :) I'm sorry about the nurses too, that's a shame, especially at such a vulnerable time, but I'm glad you're doing better now. I hear healing can take a really long time down there so you may not know exactly what it will look like for a bit longer, but I'm glad your dysphoria is already reduced. Wishing you the best for the rest of your recovery!

[GrayGriffin]

I just (willingly) listened to Never Gonna Give You Up (again) and noticed that except from references to the singer ("you wont be getting this from, any other guy...") its very gender neutral in regards to the subject.

This song is very Bi.

I mean, the use of "other" suggests that the singer's gender doesn't necessarily have to be male either.

[ArlEammon]

Anyone else dealing with religious issues? PM?

[Dire Moose]

Congratulations on the surgery, Astrella!

Might want to prepare for a long recovery period though. My wife had hers almost a year ago and is still having some issues with healing. Most of the really major stuff should take a month or two to resolve, but it will be a while.

[Astrella]

Grats Astrella :) I'm sorry about the nurses too, that's a shame, especially at such a vulnerable time, but I'm glad you're doing better now. I hear healing can take a really long time down there so you may not know exactly what it will look like for a bit longer, but I'm glad your dysphoria is already reduced. Wishing you the best for the rest of your recovery!

Thank you! I mean, nursing is hard work and like, I get how things get hard but I still felt some of them weren't very helpful / understanding of the fact I just had major surgery. (Though iunno, I guess it could be the trans thing?) :/

Congratulations on the surgery, Astrella!

Might want to prepare for a long recovery period though. My wife had hers almost a year ago and is still having some issues with healing. Most of the really major stuff should take a month or two to resolve, but it will be a while.

Thank you! Yeah, I'm aware that it like takes a year or so for everything to really be okay, but stuff is miles better from a week or two ago. If you don't mind me asking and of course this is not something that you or your wife has to answer, but what issues is she still having?

[Irish Musician]

Astrella!! So happy for you. I wish you a very quick recovery, and make sure you give yourself plenty of rest! I'm sorry about the nurses. I love all my nurse relatives and friends, but there are some real jerks out there, even in their field unfortunately. I'm just happy you're happy.

I have a question, but I don't want it to be too intrusive and I really don't want you to feel like you need to answer it or anything. You are dealing with enough emotions and healing without some yahoo (me) asking too much.

[Astrella]

Note; when they tell you to drink lots of water do so, irritated bladder is not fun. :/ (And I usually do drink lots of water, I just fell asleep this afternoon and didn't wanna risk having to get up at night to use the restroom cause re-dilating is annoying.)

Astrella!! So happy for you. I wish you a very quick recovery, and make sure you give yourself plenty of rest! I'm sorry about the nurses. I love all my nurse relatives and friends, but there are some real jerks out there, even in their field unfortunately. I'm just happy you're happy.

I have a question, but I don't want it to be too intrusive and I really don't want you to feel like you need to answer it or anything. You are dealing with enough emotions and healing without some yahoo (me) asking too much.

Thank you, feel free to ask though, I don't mind.

[Irish Musician]

Thank you, feel free to ask though, I don't mind.

Ok, I'll spoiler it in case no one wants to read it right out. And like I said, please don't feel any obligation what-so-ever for answering this.

Spoiler

Show

It is a more intrusive question (at least to me) than I would normally ask anyone, but esp someone who just got out of surgery. And I want you to know there is nothing but respect for you from me.

I am honestly not sure how to word it to not just completely sound horrible and like I'm trying to be pervy or something. But your perspective is unique as you have transitioned from MtF, something I won't be doing but have always been curious about. What is it like, now, to have cavity where there was something quite the opposite before? Emotionally, I assume, going through the surgery has seemed to make you feel more complete? Less trapped since a body you don't belong in? (at least I hope so!!) I guess my curious nature is more about the physical feeling and you body's response to now having genitalia that is now reversed.

It is still new, I know, and I'm sure you are still trying to process everything after the surgery. So please, very much please, don't think you need to answer this or even give a reason not to answer this. I am truly not trying to make you uncomfortable or give insults in any form. Like I said, I have nothing but respect for you, and I don't want to cheapen anything that you have gone through.

[ArlEammon]

I don't know. I want to not be on Earth anymore, but I prefer breathing.
Life just isn't fair. There's no end to it and there's no beginning.

[Dire Moose]

Thank you! Yeah, I'm aware that it like takes a year or so for everything to really be okay, but stuff is miles better from a week or two ago. If you don't mind me asking and of course this is not something that you or your wife has to answer, but what issues is she still having?

the big issue for me has been granulation which is a very common issue, but lasted longer than does for most. I go back for another follow up this month to hopefully be done with that complication. It resulted in my going down a dilator size due to how bad it was when they started dealing with the massive amount of granulation tissue inside. Anyway, I hope that helps.
Mariah