Relationship Woes and Advice

[CurlyKitGirl]

I have a tiny problem. Recently I've been acting as a kind of emissary between no less than four couples either breaking up or reconciling their differences. Through no fault of my own I was asked to do this because
1. I'm fairly neutral about relationship advice etc.
2. I'm objective about it.
3. I'm in no relationship and have never been so they all think that I know best what to do

I've found out that one of these people (a boy, A) has been two-timing his girlfrind, B; with a girl C, who goes out with D (C's boyfriend) I now don't know whether to tell the respective couple this or to let the cheeaters tell their other half. I feel obligated to let B and D know, but then what would happen to all four, me and A and C in particular.

Advice please.

[PhoeKun]

Encourage A and C to come forward on their own. Nothing good will come of this, but it will be much, much worse if B and D find out through circumstance or a third party (ie, you).

It's no fun being the moderator, is it?

edit: D'oh. Missed an important point. Are A and C really into each other, or is this really more a revenge/general infidelity thing? Whether or not they're interested in breaking ties with their former partners or salvaging those relationships will drastically change the tone of how exactly you should go about getting them to open up...

edit2: Syka is proof of why I never post here. She says things much better than I do...

[Syka]

Tell A and C they need to come clean. Honestly, I'd not be friends with someone who is cheating on their significant other, and I have let friendships drift with people I found out were doing just that. If they can lie to someone they supposedly love and/or like romantically, what will stop them lying to you? Plus it is just despicable, in my books. I have no problem with open relationships, etc, it's the sentiment behind it- lying, etc.

Now, if you have proof somehow that they are cheating, and neither decides to come forward (do give them a chance to), let the respective significant others know. But only if you are willing to take a chance losing their friendships. Some people get a bit...crazy when it comes to love. Proof helps, but I'm not sure how you would/if you would even want to obtain it.

I'd rather try to help my friends, then know something like that. Plus, once they find out that they are cheating (which they probably will), chances are they'll apologize to you, if they got angry. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[CurlyKitGirl]

I was thinking along those lines but B is on holiday now and won't be back 'till college starts (Sept) and I'd rather have this come out with all four of them, so should I tell A and C to stop, if it's not really genuine. Or should I tell B that this has happened over phone/similar.
I think it's genuine, but I'd still prefer all four together rather than to let B find out via the rumour mill. I will have a word with these two and ask them maybe to stop it until B comes back so all four can sort it out with me as LOVE MOD.
I guess if anyone needs help I can offer advice. Look what I've done. So far everythings going OK but I think D might suspect something.
I'd rather not tell D without B being present so should I break it to B not in person or wait. I think personally is better but the wait could just further harm our friendship and theirs too.

[Syka]

I actually would say do NOT have them all together. That could degenerate rather quickly into a bad situation...Talk to the two who are cheating SEPERATELY first. Then give them a chance to come out to their respective significant other.

If they won't, talk to the significant others. D will probably be a bit more willing to accept it. As for B...is there anyway to visit them?

Cheers,
Syka

[Flakey]

A Pm to me is fine too :)

CurlyKitGirl I agree with Skya, especially when you state that D may have suspicions already. It may blow up nastily before September. Talk to A and C about it and coming clean.

[Alarra]

I feel like I can't give the best advice here, since I'm usually girl C.....but....honesty really is a good idea. And based on past experience, people always find out anyway, no matter how well and how long you manage to lie to them. Things go over much better if they've heard it from their significant other rather than another source. So, whatever you can do to talk them into coming clean themselves would be best.

[magicwalker]

I'm going to agree with Syka.. I don't think an environment involving two couples, with two cheaters, will be very conducive to a constructive conversation. That's just asking for physical violence.

EDIT:

It also might end before the school year comes around.. summer fling sort of deal. Still a horrible situation, and I guess it does kind of hinge on how serious the relationship is with A and C... but I don't see any one walking away from this happy.

[Vampiric]

I can be PM'd and I'll allow my email, just put your username and 'GitP - relationship woes' in the title.

Again, I'd go with the majority, and agree with syka. I don't think she missed anything. Also, I'd say that, personally, I prefer people to come forward and admit for themselves, rather than, as you say, hear from the rumour mill.

[Syka]

I'd say regardless of whether or not they are 'serious' about the relationship with each other (the cheaters), both should still fess up. I gave my ex credit where credit was due- he let me know what he had done the next day. For that, I can't thank him enough. I'm the type that, if you cheat, I want to know. It'll hurt, yah, but I want to know.

So, regardless of if it is just a fling or they want something more, I think they both need to come clean.

Cheers,
Syka

[Logic]

If anyone wants my opinion or advice, feel free to PM as well. Though at the moment, my responses are likely to be few and far between, as long as you see my avatar in uniform.

[Dib]

Well if any of you have been reading the warcraft thread, you probably know what this'll be about... I just started a second character a few days ago, and another person started at the same time as me (with a male character), we got to talking and formed a party... They then tell me that in RL they're actually a girl...

I'm not sure how to explain the next bit, but I feel attracted to them even though I'm not sure if they are a girl and don't know anything about them... She seems really nice, kind of a content, nieve, adolescent personality... We always make a party (just the two of us)... and try and stiuck together and help each other out as much as possible (admittedly that's all part of the game)...

And she apologizes for shouting and seems really worried she's offended me and stuff... even when she doesn't shout (much)... and earlier she blew me a kiss, so now I'm confused... help!

[Syka]

I'll let others handle this one...

I'm not experienced in budding internet stuff. >>'

Cheers,
Syka

Encourage A and C to come forward on their own. Nothing good will come of this, but it will be much, much worse if B and D find out through circumstance or a third party (ie, you).

It's no fun being the moderator, is it?

edit: D'oh. Missed an important point. Are A and C really into each other, or is this really more a revenge/general infidelity thing? Whether or not they're interested in breaking ties with their former partners or salvaging those relationships will drastically change the tone of how exactly you should go about getting them to open up...

edit2: Syka is proof of why I never post here. She says things much better than I do...

Not always. There are definitely times (like this one) when I'm clueless. Feel free to charm in whenever. The more the merrier. :)

[Glaivemaster]

Well if any of you have been reading the warcraft thread, you probably know what this'll be about... I just started a second character a few days ago, and another person started at the same time as me (with a male character), we got to talking and formed a party... They then tell me that in RL they're actually a girl...

I'm not sure how to explain the next bit, but I feel attracted to them even though I'm not sure if they are a girl and don't know anything about them... She seems really nice, kind of a content, nieve, adolescent personality... We always make a party (just the two of us)... and try and stiuck together and help each other out as much as possible (admittedly that's all part of the game)...

And she apologizes for shouting and seems really worried she's offended me and stuff... even when she doesn't shout (much)... and earlier she blew me a kiss, so now I'm confused... help!

Well, thje pessimistic part of me will say just leave it, since it'll probably never work out, over the internet. The optimistic part of me says don't worry, there's plenty more fish in the sea

I don't know how to put this politely, so I won't: are you the sort of person who finds themselves liking girls just because they seem to be interested in the same stuff as you, or because they talk to you? The quick transition from finding out she's a girl and then suddenly liking her (implied in your post, sorry if I got it wrong) says that you might be.

I'm exactly the same like that, and I generally consider myself pretty desparate. I don't think that liking a girl over the internet is ever a good idea though.

Sorry, but that's the only advice I can think of really

EDIT: Regarding PMs, of course I'm up for being asked privately for advice

EDIT 2: Glad to see this back up again. I may even post some of my own troubles soon for people to dissect

[Sir_Norbert]

Hey, there's nothing unusual about falling for someone you only know over the internet. I've done it four times now and two of those led to happy and fulfilling relationships. The problem is that it's a lot easier to get confused over whether they really are sending you "signals", what with the lack of body language clues and suchlike.

If you really feel you want things to go further with this girl, then talk to her about how you feel. (Wait a sec..... you say the Warcraft thread.... on this board, right? So how do you know she isn't going to read your post?) If she's not interested in you in that way, at least you'll know, and you can move on, and that can be a lot better than being left guessing. One of my unsuccessful internet crushes, I wasn't sure whether she was sending me signals right up until she told me she'd just got together with someone else, and as you can imagine, the suddenness of finding that out made the pain all the more crushing.

[Sir_Norbert]

I don't think that liking a girl over the internet is ever a good idea though.

Oh, it certainly can be. My current girlfriend and I are going really strong and there's something in me feels sure this is going to be the one that lasts. And the girl I mentioned in my last post who rejected me? The man she got together with is someone else from the same forum I met her on, and they're also going very strong. As are some couples from this very board, from all I can see

[SilverClawShift]

Internet relationships can be made to work, if one party is willing to re-locate for the other. My current mate and I met online, because we shared some particular interests that tend to lead to a satisfying relationship

Keeping the relationship internet bound is just waiting for disaster though.

[Koreku]

Okay, I think I need some advice... This is a pretty long story, sorry about that.

About 8 months ago, I met this girl at my school, and we both shared the same interests and acted like we'd been friends for a very long time even after I had just met her, as we were completely comfortable and not shy around each other. Amazingly coincidentally, we both loved fantasy, were both writers, and we are both interested in magick (she's wiccan, I'm not sure what to be yet). I had a pretty big crush on her, but, having never been in a relationship before, I never really came forward about it or asked her out.

Two months passed, and we became very good friends. One day, I found out that she was bisexual. This is not a big deal to me at all, I'm very accepting of people's life choices. But somehow it kind of lowered the crush a little bit, but only for a while, then I liked her alot again.

However, during that little time while I didn't have quite as big a crush on her, I kind of asked out this other girl that I also had a little bit of a crush on (let's call her B and the first girl from above A) (It was more by accident than anything, it became this thing where she was guessing who I liked, and i decided to make it her for a surprise sort of cute way of asking her out. Besides, i did like her, if not quite as much as I did the other girl.) It worked, and B became my girlfriend, and A stayed my friend. I was very happy about this at the time.

I dated B for 6 months, if it can even be called dating. we did not go out once, as she kept claiming her schedule was too busy, every single week, for 6 months. I should have taken that as a sign she didn't like me and dumped her, but i felt like i would be being a jerk if i did just because of her schedule. I even asked her several times if she still honestly wanted to be my girlfriend, and every time she would say "of course i do".

During those six months, the only time we ever spoke to each other was during one class at school, where she didn't seem all that interested in it. She knew my phone number, but never called. I called her sometimes though, but she always acted like she wanted to end the conversation as quickly as possible. She acted completely apathetic towards me. During one of the school dances (which i was supposed to take her to but she said her dad could give her a ride...) she talked to her friends the entire time. Once, I went over to here and was about to talk to her when one of her friends (none of which I like) said "go away, no one likes you". I obviously expected my girlfriend to say something like "that's not true, obviously I do" But she didn't say anything, and i walked away.

That night I sent her an e-mail explaining that I was very confused about how everything was going, and concerned about our relationship. I wrote in a completely good-natured way, and explained that I was not angry, just confused. To my surprise, she wrote back with a venemous letter filled with insults, for no apparent reason (wait, what? why? I have no clue) that was the last I heard of her, as she sent it two days after the last day of school, around a month ago. I obviously took it as her breaking up with me.

Now, going back to the past just for a second, a couple months into dating her, I brought it up in casual conversation with girl A. I thought she knew about it already, but apparently not. she said, "Oh, really, you're going out with B? I didn't know that" the next day when I saw her in school she was crying. I felt sorry for her even though I didn't know what was wrong, because (although i wouldn't have ever considered cheating on B) I still kind of felt like i liked her, and was beginning to regret asking B out (but again, I didn't say or do anything about it, as I also liked B very much at the time) I went to see what was wrong and she said it was nothing, really, although I thought it might have something to do with me having a girlfriend.

Now, to the present. Girl B and I, as already shown, have broken up. Girl A and I still talk on the phone about our common interests and are still good friends, in fact she is coming over next week so we can start a book we plan on writing together. I would definately ask her out at this point (i regret ever not doing it, she is one of the nicest people i know and we share almost everything in common, it feels like we were meant for each other). Except for one problem. Now she has a boyfriend. what the heck should i do!?

Thank you for reading, i know my story is way too long

[AngelSword]

So I found out that my ex and her boyfriend have broken up. Oddly enough, I feel bad for her. I didn't think I could feel sympathetic towards her, after she abandoned me when I needed her, but I do. I just want to send her a message, tell her it'll be alright, and that I'm here if she wants to talk about it. But I don't think that's an option. I don't know how to tell her that, while I can't forgive her completely, I forgive her knee-jerk response to my cancer.

When I spoke to a mutual friend regarding the situation, her first reaction was to tell me to give her a bit of time before I attempt to get back with her. After telling her that it wasn't my intent, she seemed a little surprised.

[Serpentine]

Koreku, it really depends on your own consience. If you tell her, it will get things out in the open, she can make her own mind up about you and will know for when/if she breaks up with her boyfriend. On the other hand, you may put her in an awkward position, and if she did break up with her boyfriend to get with you, would you be comfortable knowing that? Not offering an opinion on whether you should be, it's just something you'd have to consider. If you don't tell her, things will presumably go on as they are and you'll still be able to mention it when/if they break up naturally. On the other hand, you might miss your opportunity, and/or she might continue with this guy because she doesn't think you're interested and/or that she can get anyone better.
Yeah. I should just stop giving advice. I'm never very helpful

[Syka]

Koreku, you have two options, both outlined by Serpentine. You can let her know, and let her chose. I wouldn't feel guilty perhaps if she broke up with her boyfriend for you, but I would try and figure out the reasons behind it. If she likes you more than him and jumps for the chance, that may be good. But it might also mean that she may leave you for someone she likes even more.

Or you can stay silent until their relationship runs the course, and then afterwards (give her atleast a couple days) let her know your feelings. Either way there are both benefits and disadvantages and it's up to you to figure out which road you would rather take.

AngelSword, my advice in general would just be to not be friends, especially since you don't think it would work anyway. From what I remember, how she acted wouldn't even have made a good friend, let alone mate. You deserve people in your life that care about you, not just because you care about them. I wish my ex nothing but the best of luck in his life, truly and without sarcasm, but I know that I would not be able to be friends with him. It took a lot to let him know that, but I know for my mental health it has to be that way. Figure out if by being friends with her if it would just be opening old wounds unecessarily. If you can do it, more power to you. Send her an email saying you are sorry to hear about what happened, but you have an ear if she needs it. If not, I would not bother with a message as that would just open the lines of communication. (And she may have had a knee jerk response to the cancer but...I'm sorry...You don't do that to someone. I give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if it was my significant other.)

Cheers,
Syka

[Koreku]

Thanks, you guys really helped out a lot. I just have one concern... what are the chances that if i tell her, she'll not want to be friends any more or act less comfortable around me, or think i'm a bad person for liking her while she has a boyfriend? If there is no risk of that, I would probably want to tell her. However if there is, i'm not sure. Do you guys have any advice on that point?

[Syka]

It depends on the girl.

I'm dating someone and have had more than one guy admit to liking me since that time (albiet, it's not exclusive but all know there is pretty much no chance of anything happening with any of them, for various reasons). One I never really talked to that much since graduation 3ish years ago anyway, and I know it didn't change it for me (I still tried talking to him when I saw him and stuff), but he seemed a little awkward. I also don't think he hangs out with the guy I'm dating anymore, even though for a while after the revelation they were (all three of us are friends). The other two I'm both still friends with. One was an odd situation to begin with (he had a girlfriend, note past tense, and no I had nothing to do with it), and the other knew from the get-go that I wasn't interested in him (he had asked me hypothetically about it).

So 2 of the 3, or 66% of the time, I have remained friends with. The other one was kind of a fluke. Some girls, though, I'd imagine would find it awkward, even though the situation won't be awkward unless one of you makes it so. I doubt she'll think you bad or whatever simply for liking her even though she has a boyfriend.

My advice though, if you tell her, is make it clear that you have no intentions of coming in between the two of them and you just wanted this off your chest. The guy who had had a girlfriend when he told me, let me know he had no intentions of cheating on his girlfriend and he just had wanted to let me know. (They broke up due to distance a bit later, mainly because he didn't want to risk cheating on her and hurting her like that). Just be up front about that fact, and that you'll wait for her (if you will), and she will hopefully respect that.

Cheers,
Syka

[Skippy]

The guy who had had a girlfriend when he told me, let me know he had no intentions of cheating on his girlfriend and he just had wanted to let me know. (They broke up due to distance a bit later, mainly because he didn't want to risk cheating on her and hurting her like that). Just be up front about that fact, and that you'll wait for her (if you will), and she will hopefully respect that.

Cheers,
Syka

Damn!! I should have thought of it!! I hurt two very dear people because I didn't make that move... If I had known this forum before...

EDIT: OK, perhaps I should give a little advise: Tell her, but remember this: You have to be really mature here. Don't expect her to dump him for you, because if you get your hopes high and it doesn't happen you'll be more hurt than you should. If you tell her and you try with all your strenghts to keep things as always, then the chances are high that you won't lose her friendship. Once I acted very childish about a girl and I wanted her for me, even if she had a boyfriend, because we had been really close together and I really liked her. When she told me she had other plans I went on a rampage and yelled at her and I nearly lost her friendship, we didn't speak at all for a long time, but now everything is OK between us, because I apologized for my own stupidity and mistakes. I still like her, a lot, but I think I have given up hopes about us.
My point? If you're telling her, please keep in mind that keeping your friendship depends mostly on you, not on her.

[Koreku]

Thanks! I guess i will tell her - I had no intention of doing anything except telling her that I like her, and if she doesn't I would like to keep our friendship, and I'll wait etc. I was not expecting her to dump him for me, and I don't think she would, but she'll probably understand and not get angry, if I'm mature about it. Thanks again.

[Dib]

Well, thje pessimistic part of me will say just leave it, since it'll probably never work out, over the internet. The optimistic part of me says don't worry, there's plenty more fish in the sea

I don't know how to put this politely, so I won't: are you the sort of person who finds themselves liking girls just because they seem to be interested in the same stuff as you, or because they talk to you? The quick transition from finding out she's a girl and then suddenly liking her (implied in your post, sorry if I got it wrong) says that you might be.

I'm exactly the same like that, and I generally consider myself pretty desparate. I don't think that liking a girl over the internet is ever a good idea though.

Sorry, but that's the only advice I can think of really

EDIT: Regarding PMs, of course I'm up for being asked privately for advice

EDIT 2: Glad to see this back up again. I may even post some of my own troubles soon for people to dissect

Wait… that second one isn’t pessimistic? Lol…

Hmm… I wouldn’t consider myself desperate - cos otherwise I would’ve asked out the girl who I know fancies me [fact]… and I kinda fancy her a little but haven’t asked her…

Hey, there's nothing unusual about falling for someone you only know over the internet. I've done it four times now and two of those led to happy and fulfilling relationships. The problem is that it's a lot easier to get confused over whether they really are sending you "signals", what with the lack of body language clues and suchlike.

If you really feel you want things to go further with this girl, then talk to her about how you feel. (Wait a sec..... you say the Warcraft thread.... on this board, right? So how do you know she isn't going to read your post?) If she's not interested in you in that way, at least you'll know, and you can move on, and that can be a lot better than being left guessing. One of my unsuccessful internet crushes, I wasn't sure whether she was sending me signals right up until she told me she'd just got together with someone else, and as you can imagine, the suddenness of finding that out made the pain all the more crushing.

You’ve had 4 crushed on Elan? Anyway, so far as I know she isn’t on this forum and hasn’t read it… I’m also a little edgy about interelationships… never had an actually proper one… though with my ex it was more like all online and never see each other…

Internet relationships can be made to work, if one party is willing to re-locate for the other. My current mate and I met online, because we shared some particular interests that tend to lead to a satisfying relationship

Keeping the relationship internet bound is just waiting for disaster though.

Knowing my luck shes on a different continent or something…



Oh.. And another problem for (stupid old) me… I’ve run across another girl… and for some reason like her as well… I’m also more openly flirty with her… and her back a little… but in a different way to the other one… I just don’t know what to do…

[Swedish chef]

I need advice. I met this girl sometimes last year. We talked a little and she was very very nice. I am not a guy who falls in love very easy and I have never been a firm believer in love at first sight but this was it. It was a very cartoonish 'anvil in head, bright and colourful stars and chirping birds' kind of thing. We only talked for about ten minutes then she went home. I met her briefely now and then throughout the year and then finally on a party last october we started talking and it was like magic. She liked the same movies, she was a gamer and she was all the geekgirl a geekguy could ever want. I got her number and e-mail and we mailed back and forth but never got a chance to meet. There was always something in the way. She went home over christmas and when she came back she told me she was moving. I could understand that since she had gotten work in another city and all but I still hoped to keep in touch. This was in beginning of febuary and for several months i heard nothing. I wrote a coupple of "hey how are you, everything fine?" letters but got no reply.

Finally about 2 weeks ago I wrote and asked her if she wanted to have any contact with me at all. By then the mere thought of her made me quite sade and down and I could not figure out how things could not work out since we were such a perfect match. I got an answer where she told me everything had gone bad and she had been through all kinds of problems but moved yet againt to yet another city. Ditched her old boyfriend (whom I had no idea about) and moved in with a new one (all in four months???) and that she was happy.

I answered her letter, all happy to regain contact with my friend/romantic interest. Only about a week after i realised that her letter seemd a little too much like a "good bye" to be a coincidence. I also have not gotten any more letters from her. Now I dont know what to do. I am happy because she is happy, I feel guilty for thinking the worst of her these months she did'nt keep in touch, I'm confused about everything and nothing and I wonder what may have happened if we could have spent more time together. I wonder how I could possibly meet a girl when nothing even seems to happen when i meet such a perfect match? My emotions are in a total chaos and so is my mind. I need help and advice. I know that I should just drop it and realise that there will never be anything between us but that is hard. I really thought i meant something too her, even if it was just something little. But it seems that i meant nothing and that is the hardest thing of all, and the most difficult thing to handle. Especially since I could say without a doubt that i really really love her. *sigh*

[Sir_Norbert]

No, I didn't have four crushes on Elan, I just use as my default "happy" smiley around this board.

Swedish chef: that's very sad, and reminds me a lot of what happened with my first love. We were together over a year and then got engaged, and then she broke it off quite suddenly, and since then we've lost contact altogether. It was very hard to take -- I don't need to explain why, you put things most eloquently yourself. But I found someone else in the end. There's never one and only one person that's right for each of us. I thought when I was with my first love that I could never love anyone else as much as I loved her. I was wrong.

Just give it time; it sounds like she doesn't want you, and that's sad, but don't despair and there'll be someone for you in the end.

[Vuzzmop]

Awkward as hell. See I have this friend (female) who lives in a different city, so we barely ever see eachother. I like her, and would be open to a relationship with her, but I didn't think she reciprocated. Anyway, yesterday, I found out that she had a crush on me, and I don't know if she still does. It doesn't bother me all that much though, it would never have worked because we live so far apart and are so different personality-wise, but it just weirds me out a bit that she quite probably has feelings for me and I ignored all the warning signs for it. She is also the first person who I know to have even had a crush on me at all. Nothing I can really do about it, but I just wanted to say it.

[Sir_Norbert]

I can't really comment on that. If you still like her, why not go for it? Long-distance relationships can be hard, but at least if you enter a relationship you'll find out whether the two of you really are right for each other or not, and if it turns out you are, you'll find a way to get round the distance problem in the end. If not, then at least you tried. But don't go for it unless you really do still like her -- that would just be cruel to her if she does still have a crush on you.