Most interesting thing said in a D&D Session

[Eugoraton Feiht]

Have a funny cha-based dwarf rogue named Brund in my party. Here's some good lines:

"You don't want to know the things I can do with this beard."

Another funny one but needs some back story. The dwarf and the party have been given a quest by a Kobold tribe to kill a nearby Goblin tribe. However, after dealing with the goblins they realize they want to kill the kobolds too (Kobolds had some magic items). Brund has at this point, at level one, succesfully seduced the leader of the kobolds, a female kobold sorcerer. The plan is for them to travel back to the middle of kobold territory and fight from there.

Brund approaches the kobold leader, takes out a ring and gives it to her proclaiming his love. She in return asks what he would like in exchange.

"Your blood."

He manages to crit her and almost take her arm off then gets taken down by magic missile.

[Ferronach]

And homebrewed timelords.

...and cyberman daleks...

You just made my day :)
Please tell me that the cybermen and daleks were separate entities though!

[atemu1234]

You just made my day :)
Please tell me that the cybermen and daleks were separate entities though!

There were expies of both, and some things that were an amalgamation.

[Alagos]

I think the best I've heard so far is:

Me, last session: (in a half drunk scottish accent) "So, just to get this straight, I'm severely hungover, wavering about with an unconscious monkey scientist in one arm, a goblin in the other, a pig on my head, all whilst riding the hunter's pet tiger?"
DM nods. "Can i have another drink?"

The last campaign we ran,
Utterly blonde Sorcerer: So, the mayor is having a bad time?
DM: Yeap, but I dont think he wants anyone to console him right now. He's pretty pissed off.
Sorcerer: I try anyways! I'll go give him a hug.
DM: Make a grapple check. *rolls horribly* He backs up and slaps your hand away dismissibly.
Sorcerer: I slap him back!
DM: ...are you sure?
Sorcerer: Yeap! *rolls nat 20, confirms crit, max unarmed damage*
DM: So umm...you just critically slapped the mayor. *the rest of us silent, torn between disbelief, complete rage and laughing our asses off*
DM: So umm...the guards come in. They arent too happy at all.
Druid:I cast entangle!! RUUUUUN.

And thats how we ended up fugitives in a town which we could not escape. A civil war soon followed. It never went farther than that, but man its amazing what a nat20 can do lol.

[atemu1234]

I think the best I've heard so far is:

Me, last session: (in a half drunk scottish accent) "So, just to get this straight, I'm severely hungover, wavering about with an unconscious monkey scientist in one arm, a goblin in the other, a pig on my head, all whilst riding the hunter's pet tiger?"
DM nods. "Can i have another drink?"

The last campaign we ran,
Utterly blonde Sorcerer: So, the mayor is having a bad time?
DM: Yeap, but I dont think he wants anyone to console him right now. He's pretty pissed off.
Sorcerer: I try anyways! I'll go give him a hug.
DM: Make a grapple check. *rolls horribly* He backs up and slaps your hand away dismissibly.
Sorcerer: I slap him back!
DM: ...are you sure?
Sorcerer: Yeap! *rolls nat 20, confirms crit, max unarmed damage*
DM: So umm...you just critically slapped the mayor. *the rest of us silent, torn between disbelief, complete rage and laughing our asses off*
DM: So umm...the guards come in. They arent too happy at all.
Druid:I cast entangle!! RUUUUUN.

And thats how we ended up fugitives in a town which we could not escape. A civil war soon followed. It never went farther than that, but man its amazing what a nat20 can do lol.

What does the sorcerer being blonde have to do with anything?

[Inevitability]

What does the sorcerer being blonde have to do with anything?

'Blonde' has sort of a second meaning as 'stupid'. Urban Dictionary can explain it better than I will ever able to.

[LTwerewolf]

"Rub the elf's face on the wall to see if we find any trap doors."

Later the same session:

"I don't think I can, but I'm pretty sure my sack gnome can handle it."

[SiuiS]

'Blonde' has sort of a second meaning as 'stupid'. Urban Dictionary can explain it better than I will ever able to.

"Had". Blonde hasn't been used that way in my earshot in about ten years. Maybe longer. 'Til now of course.


To the necromancer: "you don't just leave stuff like that [a hidden skeleton guarding a cleared dungeon] lying around and expect it not to get destroyed! People see monsters, they don't need to have a reason. They don't need to ask if it belongs to someone. They kill those monsters and no one gets mad and everyone thanks them for it!"
To the half-Orc: "you know that applies to you, right? You're a monster."
To the necromancer: "Yes! And anyone who attacks me gets the monster to the face."
To the half-Orc: "I'm going to drop the issue because you made me laugh."

[chaos_redefined]

So, we had just fought a bunch of umber hulks, and found what looked to be a larger umber hulk in a hole. I was playing a warlock-style homebrew class.

Me: "Hey, the creatures we saw earlier only had a gaze attack as far as ranged combat was concerned, right?"
DM: "Yes, why?"
Me: "I stand at the edge of the hole, blindfold myself, and start shooting it."

[Marlowe]

Sounds a lot like an incident from my first 3.5 campaign.

Me [Playing a Sorceress]: OK, gang. That briefing we just received from [The High-Level NPC Wizard] was kind of really short on facts. And this is supposed to be a quest to avert multiplanar disaster. How about I do see if I can get more information out him personally?

Group: OK. Well, you're the only one here with any social skills or charisma.

Ranger: I'll watch and make sure [Newbie] you don't do anything stupid.

Me: I knock politely on the Wizard's door.

DM: He doesn't want to be disturbed. Will save. Failed? OK. You're a ferret.

Me: Pardon?

DM: You're now a ferret. It's a rodent.

Me: No, it isn't.

Group Ranger: OK. I come forward and ask what's happening.

DM: Will Save. Failed? OK. You're a ferret too.

Me: Wonderful. So we're both ferrets. [PAUSE] Wanna go hunt rats?

[Next morning. Baleful polymorph has worn off. NPC wizard gives us yet another short-on-facts briefing and tells us to go somewhere and do something.]

Me: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable following the orders of a man whose reaction to finding a beautiful woman at his door is turning her into a small furry animal.

DM: Will save. Failed? You're a ferret again.

Me: RIGHT. I'm running up his leg.

DM: Uh. He'll cast-[rolls a spellcraft check to cast as per his own houserules. Gets natural one]-nothing.

Group: Oooooooh!

Me: I bite him in the natchers! [rolls a 20]

Group: OOOOOOOH!

Me: Somebody's singing soprano.

[BWR]

PC (who has glowing red eyes, large canine teeth and oozes sulfurous smoke) comes running into a tavern in Barovia: "There are vampires out there!"

*the pleasure quarter of the city is on fire, several innocent bystanders are dead, along with the NPC with important infromation they were chasing*
GM: "Why did you do that?"
Player: "Did you see the damage roll [made despite the GM pointing out the probable consequences]? I couldn't waste that."

*in a game very loosely based on historical Japan*
NPC lord to PC: "What's this?" *knowing full well who it was*
PC: "It's Oda Nobunaga, lord."
Lord: "why did you bring him here?"
PC: "Um, he's attacking us, isn't he?"
Lord: "You idiot! Put him back where you found him."

[Banjoman42]

Before we got official miniatures, we had to use Monopoly-like figures.
Me: "Ok, Now we know where the kobold camp is, we should get moving."
Other player: "Alright, but before we go, I have one question."
Me: "Yes?"
Other Player: "Why are you a talking milk carton?"

[GreyBlack]

"Did you just drop him off a zeppelin?"

EDIT: Okay, that needs some context. Our party had recently acquired a Zeppelin and were flying to the next country when the veritable Dragons (as the trope) attacked us on flying mounts and such. I was playing a Duskblade, finding my niche to be battlefield control. As such, I noticed that one of the enemies was near the edge of the zeppelin. I charged, channeling Dimension Hop through the attack. I hit, forcing him to save or be forcibly moved. The DM looked at the save and all he could say was, "Did you just drop him off a zeppelin?"

[(Un)Inspired]

'Blonde' has sort of a second meaning as 'stupid'. Urban Dictionary can explain it better than I will ever able to.

That's pretty insulting.

[Venger]

"Did you just drop him off a zeppelin?"

EDIT: Okay, that needs some context. Our party had recently acquired a Zeppelin and were flying to the next country when the veritable Dragons (as the trope) attacked us on flying mounts and such. I was playing a Duskblade, finding my niche to be battlefield control. As such, I noticed that one of the enemies was near the edge of the zeppelin. I charged, channeling Dimension Hop through the attack. I hit, forcing him to save or be forcibly moved. The DM looked at the save and all he could say was, "Did you just drop him off a zeppelin?"

did he have a ticket?

[Inevitability]

"Had". Blonde hasn't been used that way in my earshot in about ten years. Maybe longer. 'Til now of course.

Guess it differs between areas. I live in the Netherlands and hear it quite often.

[Suteinu]

I ran a group through, last year, and they picked-up a flesh golem as a servant, accidentally. The knight, to whom it seemed to attach itself, named it "Flesh Gordon."

EDIT: Ahem: That is, I was running them through White Plume Mountain. I mean, as GM, of course I was running them through, but ... well, you know what I mean ...

[Venger]

I ran a group through, last year, and they picked-up a flesh golem as a servant, accidentally. The knight, to whom it seemed to attach itself, named it "Flesh Gordon."

EDIT: Ahem: That is, I was running them through White Plume Mountain. I mean, as GM, of course I was running them through, but ... well, you know what I mean ...

AHH-AAAAAAAAAAAH! That's fantastic.

[BWR]

AHH-AAAAAAAAAAAH! That's fantastic.

For those fortunate souls who have hitherto remained ignorant, there was a cheap porno flick called "Flesh Gordon".

[Venger]

For those fortunate souls who have hitherto remained ignorant, there was a cheap porno flick called "Flesh Gordon".

well, I couldn't exactly link to that.

[atemu1234]

For those fortunate souls who have hitherto remained ignorant, there was a cheap porno flick called "Flesh Gordon".

And now you've ruined it.

[zeifly]

well, I couldn't exactly link to that.

yeah, shoot xD

Man, you guys have had some pretty funny sessions! I definitely got some good laughs out of this thread! This community is really great!

Never stop rolling!

-Z

[Ferronach]

Man, you guys have had some pretty funny sessions! I definitely got some good laughs out of this thread! This community is really great!

Never stop rolling!

-Z

Couldn't have said it better myself :)

Just thought of another one that happened in one of my sessions.
The rogue spent about an hour trying to find the entrance to this shiny black tower in the middle of nowhere. Eventually he gave up and the party decided to camp there for the night and see if anything showed up when it was dark.

I decided that after consuming much ale that my tiefling swashbuckler had to make a dash. He went around the other side of the tower (because it was still light out) and relieved himself against the tower.
DM: "You sure you want to do that?"
Me: "yup! And I want to write my name on the wall with it"
DM starts rolling a bunch of stuff and muttering to himself.
DM: "I don't know how but you suffer no damage from any of the spells protecting the tower. And I really don't believe it but... well... as you were writing your name you noticed that your urine found a minute seam in the tower."
Me: "DO i have enough left in the tank to spray around a bit and see if there is a parrallel seam a few feet to the other side?" - rolled an affirmative on my D%
DM: *facepalms* ooc: "you must have sat on a horseshoe today.... " in game: "you have successfully found the door by peeing on the tower..."
The barbarian chanted "his wee is da key!!!" when he found out.

[WeaselGuy]

Me: Okay, I'm going to take a charging leap off the ceiling to try and tackle the Sorceress in the back.
DM: What?
Me: Yeah, since my mount has a climb speed, I can charge across the cavern ceiling, avoiding the pit and the drawbridge in the middle of the room.
DM: ...
Me: So, +2 to attack for charging, -2 to AC, + falling damage for... How high did you say this room was? 30 feet? that's what, 2d6 per 10 feet of drop, so 6d6...
DM: Wait, are you still mounted on him? You take damage too!
Me: That's fine, Ride check to do Leap from the Saddle, now I do charging damage as well with my lance. Oh, your Sorceress needs to make a grapple check, my weasel is going to do his Bite, with the Attach ability. If she's still alive next turn, she's taking Con damage from Blood Drain.
DM: **** it, she's dead, you find a masterwork dagger, a necklace of natural armor +1, and the key to the drawbridge winch to let the party across. Your weasel is getting the nerfbat next session.

[Pyon]

Me: Okay, I'm going to take a charging leap off the ceiling to try and tackle the Sorceress in the back.
DM: What?
Me: Yeah, since my mount has a climb speed, I can charge across the cavern ceiling, avoiding the pit and the drawbridge in the middle of the room.
DM: ...
Me: So, +2 to attack for charging, -2 to AC, + falling damage for... How high did you say this room was? 30 feet? that's what, 2d6 per 10 feet of drop, so 6d6...
DM: Wait, are you still mounted on him? You take damage too!
Me: That's fine, Ride check to do Leap from the Saddle, now I do charging damage as well with my lance. Oh, your Sorceress needs to make a grapple check, my weasel is going to do his Bite, with the Attach ability. If she's still alive next turn, she's taking Con damage from Blood Drain.
DM: **** it, she's dead, you find a masterwork dagger, a necklace of natural armor +1, and the key to the drawbridge winch to let the party across. Your weasel is getting the nerfbat next session.

No don't nerf Weaselguy's Weasel! Did it actually get nerfed and how bad?

[Snowbluff]

No don't nerf Weaselguy's Weasel! Did it actually get nerfed and how bad?

Regardless of what happened, I welcome Weaselguy's Weasel into our little community.

[WeaselGuy]

No don't nerf Weaselguy's Weasel! Did it actually get nerfed and how bad?

It wasn't in the next session, but recently our wilder/diabolist put a suggestion in my head, making me want to jump off a really high tower without any form of slowfall... the weasel is still around, it's the group's pack animal until it can level up and become large, at which point our sorceress wants to turn it into her own mount.

[WeaselGuy]

Regardless of what happened, I welcome Weaselguy's Weasel into our little community.

Daww... when I get home, can I Sig that? Also, now I need an avatar of a kobold lancer leaping off a dire weasel... poor Qit-Qat, may he rest in peace. And by rest in peace, I mean serve at Tiamat's side in her hellish realm.

[SiuiS]

"Be right back. I need to bathe my weasel. My familiar, I need to bathe him, you sicko."

"I'm the sicko, Tomas? You're the one bathing your weasel in the public bath."

Guess it differs between areas. I live in the Netherlands and hear it quite often.

Huh. I thought it was an Americanism, honestly. That's interesting. Perhaps it was and is spreading? Would explain why it's not common here but is there.

[Snowbluff]

Daww... when I get home, can I Sig that? Also, now I need an avatar of a kobold lancer leaping off a dire weasel... poor Qit-Qat, may he rest in peace. And by rest in peace, I mean serve at Tiamat's side in her hellish realm.

You may.

Also, Qit-Qat is the best kobold name.

"Be right back. I need to bathe my weasel. My familiar, I need to bathe him, you sicko."

"I'm the sicko, Tomas? You're the one bathing your weasel in the public bath."

During one of my online games with my Wizard//Rogue Seraciel, discussing my rat familiar and improve familiar. "Give Larry the ability to speak? I don't want him talking. We've done things."