Relationship Woes and Advice XXVII: Sarcasm Will Not Be Tolerated

[kyoryu]

Yeah.

The problem, as I read it, isn't really that you're pressuring her into sex. It's that *she* wants to have sex, but that runs straight into her issues.

It's a tough one, as you're not actually the problem. The more you insist that you're cool with everything, the more she'll probably feel connected to you and, well, want to be more connected, thus running straight into her issues.

She really needs to talk to someone.

[Glass Mouse]

When we started to "date" officially I had a big problem... You see I have considered myself gay for a long time... I liked guys, in special big and muscular guys... But after a while I just got over it. I mean I still feel attracted to muscular guys but now that's just a small thing like a kinky and not really an issue... but I wasn't sure if I was comfortable sharing it with her. So I didn't.

...

I wanted to say "Hey I'm fine, I rather fap to bodybuilders anyway but I love being with you and we had so many special moments I don't want this to end."

So, uh. I know this is not what you're asking about, but... Are you attracted to her? Would you like sex or are you genuinely apathetic about it? (Note: One can want sex and still be perfectly okay waiting for it. Libido doesn't equal orientation.)

I mean, you sound pretty young, so I wouldn't expect you to have it all sorted out yet. But if I were you, I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of being non-straight just yet. Fapping to bulky, male bodybuilders is, after all, slightly more common among gay and bi men than among straight men.

[Shamash]

So, uh. I know this is not what you're asking about, but... Are you attracted to her? Would you like sex or are you genuinely apathetic about it? (Note: One can want sex and still be perfectly okay waiting for it. Libido doesn't equal orientation.)

I mean, you sound pretty young, so I wouldn't expect you to have it all sorted out yet. But if I were you, I wouldn't dismiss the possibility of being non-straight just yet. Fapping to bulky, male bodybuilders is, after all, slightly more common among gay and bi men than among straight men.

I know that LOL. I'm not the straightest guy in the planet... But after analyzing my situation a lot I realized that my sexuality don't need labels, it can be a fluid thing.

I noticed that my family, friends and social environment would never be ok with the fact I'm gay; I'm from very small and religious town.

I also noticed that many aspects of a gay lifestyle and relationships don't attract me.

It's like extreme sports or surfing, I find it interesting concept and I like to look at it, but I have no desire to actually do it.

But yeah, I'm attracted to chicks, it's just that sex don't appeal a lot to me in general. I mean I won't say no to it, but it's so much work I rather just make out and be with soemone... There are less risks and it's much more enjoyable.

And no. That doesn’t make me asexual. I like sex quite a lot, in special the idea of it. Let's just say that I identify as straight and that’s what it matters in the end.

[lio45]

Last week we went to a concert and while we were talking about it she just start touching on the sex thing and I keep telling her I'm fine but she keeps telling me.

"No, it's unfair, We can keep up going on like this, It's not fair with you, It's not normal etc.."

And she breaks up with me via text... Then we meet again the other day and she officially break up with me.

Personally, I love truth, so I sometimes (when appropriate) don't refrain from politely deflating people's excuse bubbles. After all, no one can blame you for assuming the other party is honest, right?

If I were in your shoes, I'd consider telling her I'm kinda semi-asexual, that we CAN keep up going on like this, and that it can very well be perfectly okay and reasonable -- not everyone out there has high libido; asexuals do exist. In fact, she's even a great match for you on that basis... her assumptions of your real wishes were totally mistaken, and she acted impulsively based on these. Let's correct the record...

However, if she's decided to leave you for some other reason, then it'd be nice to know that. You have the right to at least ask, and you probably deserve a honest answer.

[Legato Endless]

Hey. First time here. Would appreciate some perspective on resolving something minor but emphatically irritating.

I have an iPhone. I don't primp about having one, but I do own one. I also live in the US, where consumer loyalty to such brands is a lot higher than other places in the world. It's not a big deal, but you do surprisingly see people engaging in argumentation something about as meaningful as the console wars of old. I don't have any particular brand loyalty, it was just a change of pace from my android and filled a slightly different niche. One thing that I appreciate that hadn't yet become standardized when I bought it was the voice command functionality.

I quite like this feature. While many people don't employ it, I make a good deal of use of it. I use it in the car, I use in private usually whenever I have my eyes and hands full or when it would just be more efficient to tell my robot slave to do something than manually punch a few keys. I don't do this a lot in public as it's less practical in noisy areas and public perception still renders openly talking to your labor saving devices as unfashionable at times.

I have a friend who won't stop harassing me when I use it in private. Sigh. Okay. So I'll tell my phone to do something, such as call this person, or map this thing, and whenever I do in the quiet safety of a private location, or an isolated public spot, she will without fail interrupt and talk over me. She'll routinely express mock surprise and ignorance and what I'm doing. She'll clarify why haven't I done what I said I'd do...that I just told my phone to do. Such as call Penny. She does this every time it occurs within her earshot, and she does so loudly enough that it may interfere in what I'm telling the phone to do. I'm not some technocratic imperialist, I don't demand the room quiet when I say something, I leave the room or I just type on the bloody keys. But it feels less reasonable to idly ask something and then be talked over. I hate being deliberately talked over.

So, I basically can't use my phone the way I'd occasionally like to in this person's company. I don't know why I can't, but she's made a decision that this must be. She doesn't understand why anyone would use this function. It's weird and bad and inefficient. I have repeatedly asked her to stop. I've asked when she does it. I've brought it up to other friends. I've involved two others who also get tech guff from her. She doesn't stop. She deflects, she meanders, she justifies that my behavior is irrational. It's been going on for so long and I'm sick of it.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. This isn't some huge deal breaker, I'm not going to end the relationship over this, but I don't know how to resolve it. Being repeatedly told to stop does nothing. Involving a few other people does nothing. I could just fold, but that feels rather like submitting to a bullying irritation. If this were another person, I'd probably get pretty irritated to express that this is emotionally distressing me, but that would be problematic here.

She has anxiety issues, and perceives a minor raising of the voice in irritation to be imperceptible to outright angry yelling. She doesn't think there's ever a reason to raise one's voice at someone. I don't precisely agree on that one given a serious context, but I do my utmost to remain even keeled during conflict with her. That I can understand. But it also feels like my not showing any irritation has given her carte blanche to basically act like this specific issue isn't a big deal. Because whenever I cooly or emphatically ask her to stop...she still doesn't. Maybe that's just my perception, I don't know.

Advice? Help? Appreciate any input or perspective.

[kyoryu]

"This is how I'm going to use my phone. While I appreciate your company, I don't appreciate your heckling how I use the phone. Please respect my wishes and stop doing so."

<later>

"I've already asked you to stop this behavior, and I'm doing so one more time. I know you don't understand it, and don't agree, but how I use my phone isn't your concern. If you continue, I will consider your actions to be deliberate, insulting, and borderline abusive."

[dehro]

"This is how I'm going to use my phone. While I appreciate your company, I don't appreciate your heckling how I use the phone. Please respect my wishes and stop doing so."

<later>

"I've already asked you to stop this behavior, and I'm doing so one more time. I know you don't understand it, and don't agree, but how I use my phone isn't your concern. If you continue, I will consider your actions to be deliberate, insulting, and borderline abusive."

after which I'd break contact until such a time that she appologises for her behaviour... something you should clarify to her before you actually do the breaking of the contact.
if being a **** about this is more important to her than your friendship, that's not a friend you want to keep.

[Glass Mouse]

She is being really weird and confrontational. A friend who behaves like that is likely to engage in other bullying or boundary-pushing behaviour so, uh. Make sure you examine whether you should really keep her as a friend after all.

If so, and if telling her directly to knock it off doesn't help, try ignoring her? I don't know if she's deliberately trying to get a rise out of you, but this really sounds like a time to bring back the "be boring" strategy (note also sktarq's add-on two posts down). The short version: When she talks over you, stop whatever you were doing and wait until she's done. Then repeat like the interruption had never happened.

I don't know if she engages you directly with questions or just flat critisisms. But in most cases, you can answer any version of "okay", "huh", "alright", or "well...", said as flatly as possible, then wait, then repeat your phone command. Repeat as many times as necessary until Siri obeys.

Your goal is to train her that the only outcome of her harassment is that things will drag out which will be extremely boring for her.


Or

If you haven't already, maybe first try sitting down with her and asking her calmly and with willingness to listen: "Hey, I've noticed you consistently stop me when I'm trying to use my phone's voice function. Do you mind telling me what that's about?"

Who knows, maybe she has some perfectly reasonable explanation for her bizarre behaviour. She's acting weird enough that that's a real possibility. You won't know unless you try.

[Cozzer]

the console wars of old

I don't know in which gaming world you live, but I would like to live there too. Can I? Pretty please?

she justifies that my behavior is irrational

The internet has really changed the meaning of that word, has it? Also, it seems to me that she's using her own anxiety in a manipulative way. I mean, first she estabilishes that as soon as you express even the smallest amount of anger you're the bad guy, then she behaves in the judgementalest and annoyingest way? Yeah kid, you get to choose one of the two at most.

That's the part of your post that bothers me the most. If she demands complete control of your negative emotions from you, she should demonstrate at least the same amount of control on her behaviors that cause these emotions. Don't let yourself be caught in the "but it makes me feel baaaad" trap. She has the right not to be yelled at, and you have the right to express your anger in reasonable ways, which includes the right to raise your voice a bit at somebody who's being pointlessly judgemental towards you for no reason.

[JNAProductions]

I just feel pretty lonely right now. I don't have many friends, I'm single, and... I dunno. I don't know how to go out and meet people.

Any advice?

[Knaight]

I just feel pretty lonely right now. I don't have many friends, I'm single, and... I dunno. I don't know how to go out and meet people.

Any advice?

Find public events of some sort, and meet people through them. Judging by how you're on this forum, I'd recommend checking the local public library and seeing what they have going on there, and checking for board game events. Beyond nerd stuff there's always recreational sports, political/religious stuff, volunteering, and even chunks of the bar scene (although even if that does fit you you'll need to be pretty choosy).

[2D8HP]

I just feel pretty lonely right now. I don't have many friends, I'm single, and... I dunno. I don't know how to go out and meet people.

Any advice?

Where do you live/work/study, what are your interests, and what do you do for fun?

Also:

Spoiler: old posts

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[JNAProductions]

Well, I do frequent my local gaming store. I guess, more specifically, I'm romantically lonely, and the local gaming store doesn't really help there. The guys are nice, but they're, well, guys. :P

Although even outside my completely dead romance life, I also don't see my friends all that often. They're always busy, and I'm somewhat busy too.

Edit: Thanks for the advice, though. Appreciated. :)

[Comrade]

Dating sites may be an option if you're looking for a relationship. They don't necessarily work for everybody, but it could be worth a try.

[2D8HP]

.. I guess, more specifically, I'm romantically lonely,

IIRC you're about twenty years old?

This worked in the late 1980's and early 1990's:

Be an artist, a poet, or just someone who has friends that let them (and a guest) slip into galleries, movies, nightclubs etc. for free.

So be part of a "scene".

For what it's worth I met my future wife through Subway Guitars in Berkeley, California (she played bass).

My real advice would be to ignore romance for now and concentrate on becoming a man who's attractive to women in their 30's (not the same as what most girls in their 20's want in boys).

[Chen]

It's the age of internet dating. If you're specifically looking for a romantic partner, this is probably the most direct way, especially if you're out of school. It puts you into a situation where you KNOW the other side is also looking for a romantic partner (presuming you select the correct categories and whatnot). Clearly other public activities, sports, clubs etc can work too, it's just that it's not the primary purpose of those activities. If you're going to be doing the activities anyways, then sure keep an eye out. But if you're primarily looking for romance I'd avoid taking up something new just to further that goal and not the inherent goals in whatever you're taking up.

[kyoryu]

Dating is mostly a numbers game. It's about being exposed to lots of people, in hopes that you find someone that works with you. Just as most males you meet won't be best friend material, most women you meet won't be long-term-partner material. Just the way it works.

The more people you meet, the more likely it is that you'll find someone compatible.

So find something you like to do, that involves other people, and where a significant (preferably majority, but an even split is good) number of those people are women. Do that activity. Join groups that do that activity. Go do that thing, even if it's not to meet people - preferably not to meet people.

Make yourself presentable, be positive and a good influence on the groups you're with, and the rest will fall into place.

If you do the internet dating thing (which isn't bad), your goal should be to meet as many people as possible. Lots of coffee dates. The chances of any of these working out is low (which is no knock on you), but again, the point is numbers.

[FinnLassie]

I hate it when I'm jealous over homework. My SO has a crap ton of it sometimes (why engineering why) and I find it extremely frustrating at times not being able to talk during the weekend when we usually get to hang out the most. I don't know how to express myself on this without sounding like I blame him for prioritising university before me - because I'm not. I want him to succeed. The weekend just feels like an utter poo every time he has to focus on his work for hours.

[lio45]

My real advice would be to ignore romance for now and concentrate on becoming a man who's attractive to women in their 30's (not the same as what most girls in their 20's want in boys).

This is worth repeating, given that it's absolutely the greatest generic bit of advice one can be given to someone young who has been having a hard time getting romantic partners so far: work on yourself (get in shape, sharpen your social skills, make sure your career is on a good track, etc.)

JNAProductions, from your post, I'd recommend working on friends before working on a relationship. It's a lot easier; the risks of rejection aren't comparable. And there's a lot of shared skills -- someone who's good at making friends will also be good at seducing partners. (Roleplay systems chose to call that concept Charisma, FWIW...)

Do you have college acquaintances? Do you work...? Work colleagues then? You likely have the basic building blocks of future friends somewhere within your reach.


Edit: Just saw your second post. Looks like you've got decent friends already :) Consider freeing up time for them -- it's worth it. If you drift apart over time, you might come to regret not placing your then-good friends at a higher priority level.

Nowadays, online dating is _the_ way to meet people. It's to the current era what bars were when 2D8HP was your age ;) It's where all the singles are, and it should be your first destination in your quest... However, the price to pay to play -- no one escapes it -- is that you'll be facing rejection and have to accept that reality. Consider that anything you do is XP gained, and making you better. You have nothing to lose; if you never try anything, you'll remain single. (Not that it's not fine to be single, obviously... but it's clearly not your first choice at the moment.)

[Kalmageddon]

I hate it when I'm jealous over homework. My SO has a crap ton of it sometimes (why engineering why) and I find it extremely frustrating at times not being able to talk during the weekend when we usually get to hang out the most. I don't know how to express myself on this without sounding like I blame him for prioritising university before me - because I'm not. I want him to succeed. The weekend just feels like an utter poo every time he has to focus on his work for hours.

Maybe don't see eachother when he has to study?
I have an insane work schedule, 12 hours a day 5 days a week, with night shifts thrown in. I have barely the time to sleep and go back to work, so when I have a day off, I want it for myself to catch up on all the stuff I couldn't do during the week. Having so little time to do anything, I see my gf only when I know I can and want to give her the attention she needs, seeing eachother in a hurry or when I'm tired just to meet an imaginary quota of "time spent together" doesn't work for me at all. This way, when we do spend time with eachother (which more or less happens once a week), it's quality time that leaves both of us happy and satisfied.
On a side note, complaining about him having stuff to do is not something I would recommend.

[2D8HP]

Well, I do frequent my local gaming store. I guess, more specifically, I'm romantically lonely, and the local gaming store doesn't really help there. The guys are nice, but they're, well, guys....

Get a great coat, and work it.

See here (scroll down).

[Icewraith]

I hate it when I'm jealous over homework. My SO has a crap ton of it sometimes (why engineering why) and I find it extremely frustrating at times not being able to talk during the weekend when we usually get to hang out the most. I don't know how to express myself on this without sounding like I blame him for prioritising university before me - because I'm not. I want him to succeed. The weekend just feels like an utter poo every time he has to focus on his work for hours.

If he's that busy, help him out by preparing a meal. It saves him time and stops him from ordering or grabbing crappy food to save time. It forces him to take a break to spend time with you and eat. Just don't be too particular about when you eat. Sometimes you can stop in the middle of engineering work to take a break without issues, and sometimes it's like stopping in the middle of juggling ten plates and it's better to just finish the problem. Don't be miffed if the food gets a bit cold while he gets to a good stopping point.

[FinnLassie]

Oh, blerb. Some context - it's an LDR. So that brings another element...

[Kalmageddon]

Oh, blerb. Some context - it's an LDR. So that brings another element...

How long distance are we talking about? How many hours separate you from eachother?

[lio45]

I was going to say it's unfortunately normal for people to choose to make university studies a priority over an university-age right-now relationship, given that the former is the only one of the two that's guaranteed to last... but if it's a LDR on top of that, it's only even more normal for you to rank after homework. Wouldn't you do the same?

In retrospect, I think I made too many sacrifices for my exes, certainly not too few.

So... I'm not sure there are any "solutions" to your problem, except getting used to the situation.

[FinnLassie]

We agreed on a solution to get through this week. Just simplifying things, focus on the most important little things in communication and knowing that this weekend won't be the same hell it's been all week. Though I'm not advancing in anything since my project group isn't creating any contact, hahah. :)

I was going to say it's unfortunately normal for people to choose to make university studies a priority over an university-age right-now relationship, given that the former is the only one of the two that's guaranteed to last... but if it's a LDR on top of that, it's only even more normal for you to rank after homework. Wouldn't you do the same?

I'm not sure I'm getting your point here, which is likely why I'm finding your statements and question a bit rude.

[LeSwordfish]

My partner at the time and I were in a fairly similar situation. The only advice I can give is to identify time that you CAN spend together in some form, and stick to that. For example, could he Skype you while cooking/eating, so you can chat during that? In addition, the usual advice - this will pass. University doesn't last forever, and many jobs will demand less of you on weekends.

Sorry I can't be more help - you've definitely got my sympathies.

[Icewraith]

Oh, blerb. Some context - it's an LDR. So that brings another element...

So much for that advice.

If you have a game or online activity you both enjoy, it's a good opportunity to do something together that's relaxing. My wife and I played World of Warcraft together when I had to do the distance thing- but we played WoW before the distance thing started so it may not be a great pick-up for you. Everyone's different. Wow's casual content doesn't require large amounts of concentration (so we could keep up a decent conversation by text or use voice chat), and we already had friends on the game, so it was more a continuation of our social circle by other means.

[Grytorm]

Hmm, just thinking, I have many friends somewhat interested in gaming, but it is difficult to actually set anything up. Any suggestions on how to actually get my friends to spend time with me?

[Chen]

Hmm, just thinking, I have many friends somewhat interested in gaming, but it is difficult to actually set anything up. Any suggestions on how to actually get my friends to spend time with me?

Where does the difficulty lie? I mean generally its call a few people up, ask them to come over and play a game. The more people you want at a time clearly the more complicated it gets trying to find a time when everyone is free.