Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Keld Denar]

I know a few guys who come easily by ladies, know this, and use this to further their own self image as well. So yea, it DOES go both ways, although probably more often with females due to the fact that women are most often in the role of gatekeepers of sex*.

*RIP George Carlin

[Hadrian_Emrys]

Heh, multi-tasking the situation of multiple potential suitors to serve several goals is not the same thing as needing people to be attracted to you in order to feed your ego. The character being presented of the person in Serp's post is that of a person who's looking for the emotional high and either doesn't care about the drama it causes or enjoys the soap opera aftermath. That's it.

[Dvil]

Ok guys, I finally decided to man up and tell her the truth (via text). Here's what I said:

Hey. I have something I need to tell you. I like you. Like, a lot. And I want to ask that if things don't work out between you and [bloke's name], could we maybe make that concert a date? I understand if no, but I had to ask. Cheers, [my name].

I meant it all, and I'm fully prepared to accept that the answer could be "hells no!", but I'm proud of myself for doing that. relationship-wise, it's the most I've exposed myself for a long time.

So, fingers crossed!

[Jalor]

rejected soap opera plot

Love Dodecahedrons make polyamorous Jalor dizzy. Near as I can tell, the focal point of that mess just has a problem with settling for one guy. Girls like that tend to leave this trail of ugly breakups like a relationship tornado. Of souls. Wow, I never realized how timely Dante's Inferno could be.

@Keld Denar: Do everything you can to avoid the rape accusation. Even being acquitted goes on your record in some states.

@Alair Koraius: If a girl avoids you because you showed interest in her, abandon 'ship!

@Dvil: That's the correct way to do things. Not hinting, not "waiting for the right time", but just saying it plainly. Good luck.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Dvil, good luck! And grongratulations on sending it! I have yet to even remotely ''flirt'' with her/tell her/ask her out.

Knowing me, I'l prolly just lock it deep away. Well, gave it a thought...

[Dvil]

Well, DD, my advice is to just keep trying. I used to be horrible at flirting, and since I got msn 2/3 years ago I've just constantly practiced evry night, and it actually helps a lot with confidence in other areas too! And even if it doesn't work, at least you'll be a fun, slightly crazy person rather than that shy one in the corner...

[Dallas-Dakota]

Well, DD, my advice is to just keep trying. I used to be horrible at flirting, and since I got msn 2/3 years ago I've just constantly practiced evry night, and it actually helps a lot with confidence in other areas too! And even if it doesn't work, at least you'll be a fun, slightly crazy person rather than that shy one in the corner...

But I already am a fun, crazy person! Aside from me having a negative and sarcastic moods. >.> Actually one of my new-friends at college said: Dang it, (DD), shut up your sarcasm and stop being so negative!

You practiced every night on msn? How the *beep* does that work?

I'm pretty self-confident in some areas...

Well more like so insecure and not-confident, that I know I'l fail. So a shot in the deep is better then no shot.

[toddex]

So if you read my other post you'll know that I thought I was stuck in the 'friend' zone with a girl I was into. This girl who isnt a gamer or a geek at all hung out with me and my buddies and actually enjoyed herself and asked me if she could play D&D. Things were good.


FAST FORWARD! She invites me to a random bar where her friends, who are in a band, are playing a show. Im not a bar person, matter of fact im not an alcohol person either. Im supposed to be at this place for 10pm. I get there at 10 she and her friends arent there yet, so I give her a call she says they'll be there in a few. Like I said im not a bar fan.... So I end up walking around the area and sitting on a bench in front of the bar for about an hour and a half. Till I notice through a window that the girl and her friends are there in the bar. So somehow i missed them going in and have been walking around outside for nothing. I walk inside meet up with them and say hey. I asked them how long theyve been there and they tell me an hour or so. I feel like an ultra idiot now.

Her and her friends by this point obviously have had a few drinks in them. Another thing about me, im a man bound by a strict code my friends and I follow, some of us follow anyway. I dont take advantage of drunk chicks, just isnt my thing. Anyway I order a soda and sit down her and her friends disappear and get more drinks. The girl im into is pretty much ignoring me, i really think nothing of it because im sure ive invaded some sort of hang out with her friends. The band starts to play again and the ladies get up and start dancing. Remember how I said im not a bar guy and I dont drink... well im also a geek... So my insecurities and somewhat anti social tendencies are starting to creep up on me. Im get that feeling like "RUN LIKE **** GET THE **** OUT OF HERE" but im fighting it back.

Well I notice the girl im in to is noticeably drunk and is moving that amazing body around like a pro and is also getting closer.... One of my greatest fears is being in one of those stories that starts with "I was so drunk I cant believe i did that..." So I hit the eject button and get the **** out of there.
The next morning I feel bad so I leave a message saying pretty much "Hey hows it going! If you have some free time I was wondering if we could meet up and talk, seeya."

I have yet to get a call back, its been two days. One of my friends advised me to not say anything about insecurities or anything like that and just make something up. Another advised me to just go into radio silence for like two weeks and see what happens.

Im 100% confused but im sort of sure this ship has burned and sunk....

Well actually i thought id update on what happened here. She started ignoring me for a solid week and a couple days. Im a very upfront type of person, I like to be straight and to the point and I enjoy it when people do the same with me. So not wanting to bug her I called her once and left a voice mail. Then about 4 days later left a text. When things just sit like this I get very annoyed, nervous, and confused. If there is a problem I like to address it and solve it. So finally after a week and a few days I decide to go down to the coffee shop she works at and order a lemonade. Now I know what you're thinking, creepy. But I actually used to frequent this place for coffee and muffins so its not like its out of my routine. In fact I was avoiding the place to try and give space. So I start my order and I say "So did I anger the gods or something?" and she replies with "No, I got your message I dont know whats going on." Just in case I didnt say my message was "Hey hows it going, this is Todd, I was just calling to apologize because I felt like I might have come off like an ******* on friday."

Anyway she says everything is cool and all is right with the world... after I leave im thinking... if everything is cool why didnt she reply to my messages? Thats a common courtesy I give to even the people I dislike... Trying to take my buddies advice and not over think things and just take everything at face value I leave a face book message. "Hey I still feel like I might have come off as an ******* so if you do anything feel free to throw me an invite I really need to wipe away this lameness."

She adds an annoyed reply that she "still doesnt see what this issue is and thought she explained things" I pretty much knew after that my ship had been sunk. She passed me on the street the other day and I waived playing like nothing was going on and she just shot me this look. I still feel better though. If theres one thing I hate its when things are left open and you have no idea what is going on. At least now I know something I did made this woman want to kick me in the face and annoyed with me. I would go on about how I started thinking there must be something wrong with me and how I cant even start one damned relationship out of the three attempts ive had but that is for the depression thread I think.

[Jalor]

I hate to repeat all the same advice, but confidence makes a huge difference. I'm terrible at flirting, in the sense that if someone were to pay attention to what I'm saying, they'd think I'm an idiot. It's the same principle as the Bavarian Fire Drill. You look like you know what you're doing, so nobody questions you.

If you screw up badly while flirting and make a fool of yourself, try to turn it around by taking Refuge In Audacity. I've gone as far as dropping a non-sequitur dead-baby joke while flirting, and actually had things turn out favorably.

[xPANCAKEx]

toddex

What i'd be confused about is whats she meant by she didn't know what was going on... But for now leave her be. Sometimes you have to let those mysteries in life remain. They're annoying, i know - but you have to be secure enough in yourself at time to accept that at points in life you're not going to know all the answers. Its is annoying though, you're right

Sometimes though you shouldn't be so swift to appologise. Its all a bit pseudo-psychology, but if things are uneasy its often better to ask someone "Is there a problem" rather than saying "well i probably did something wrong so im appologising" and let her decide if you've made a social transgression, and if so then offer the appropriate appology

Dvil

good on you for asking - let us know how it works out

DD the Cookiemonster

You've got nothing to lose by asking, and a lot to gain. If you think shes single and 'batting for your team' then ask her to lunch. You don't need to "tell her" - as that itself can be highly daunting for both involved, but taking her out on a date will communicate just as much without the neccessity for it being said, and this will keep her excited

oh noes, its SERPZILLA

that girl just sounds toxic - i wouldn't even talk about her with other people. If you get asked your opinion just say "well, shes messed a few of my friends about, and i dont think shes trust worthy - but i don't really wanna talk about her" you'll come off on the moral high horse while she'll still be in the gutter

Keld Denar

I wouldnt even engage her in conversation. If she calls, hang up. If she emails/txts then delete it without reading. Giving her space to make her threats only makes things worse. You've done the right thing and already spoken to the police about it, so they're aware of the situation. She'll have nothing but an accusation - no physical evidence, yet the police have evidence of her intention to try and blackmail you (which in itself you could get her charged with - but im sure you don't want to feed the situation) from when you've spoken to them previously

You've got nothing to worry about.

Just don't WARN her that you've spoken to the police as that could make things difficult in future

[Keld Denar]

Yea, she can't get ahold of me directly. I blocked her number on my cell carrier. She either has to call me from a different phone, call my work (who've already told her they are pressing charges against her if she calls me at work again), or call my parents. I was gonna get a restraining order against her, but after our last encounter with the police (I think I posted it like, 4 pages ago) since I hadn't heard anything from her, I figured maybe she got smart about the whole thing. Then, the night before I had to leave to go back to work (in Alaska), I got a message from my parents saying that she called them and was threatening to go to the police unless I talk to her. I've been told that in order to get the restraining order, I can't contact her in any way (or it breaks the funny undesired communication thingy part), so I'm not talking to her.

Ever since she started threatening this, I've collected a huge mountain of evidence against her. I have a log of over 200 missed calls from her, 94 text messages, 3 emails, 4 voice mails, 1 voice mail on my parents home phone, a written statement from my parents from when they met her between when the alleged incident happened and now, 2 police reports, and a report from BP's security personel who talked to her on the phone. It all shows a clear escalation of hostility, a de-escalation of hostility complete with "I love and miss you" messages, a re-escalation of hostility leading up to this point. If she even looks at a police officer, she's gonna be in a very uncomfortable position.

Plus, when I get back from work in October, I'm gonna fully file for the restraining order. Apparently she hasn't backed down, so I'm gonna fight for my life. The kiddy gloves are off. She wants to play that game, she better find a better hand, cause I'm holding all the aces.

[xPANCAKEx]

good on you - steering clear of her is wise in itself, and you've shown a clear pattern of trying to disassociate, which she is repeatedly trying to circumvent

the restaining order would be a logical step

[Froogleyboy]

Okay, there is this girl that I like, and me and her like to walk around Main street sometimes, just hanging out. But, this week, I'm gonna make my move. I'm probably gonna stop by the store before I go so is there anything that could help the mood (not candles or a meal, since we are going to be walking the streets) and, no, I don't mean things like . . . adult products, stuff like chocolate, any suggestions?

[Thatguyoverther]

I can't suggest anything specific without knowing the person, but as a general rule the sappier the better.

[xPANCAKEx]

Okay, there is this girl that I like, and me and her like to walk around Main street sometimes, just hanging out. But, this week, I'm gonna make my move. I'm probably gonna stop by the store before I go so is there anything that could help the mood (not candles or a meal, since we are going to be walking the streets) and, no, I don't mean things like . . . adult products, stuff like chocolate, any suggestions?

adult products? bwhahaha i have no idea what you mean by that, but it is an amusing phrase. But if you mean things like booze, then i'd advise against. Personally i think getting someone inebriated with the sole intention of making a move is a bit morally bankrupt

But gift giving to foster a moment where making your first move rarely pays off. You can't buy you way into someones affections, and do so with the expecation of some sort of shift in behavior from them may alter your body language a bit. Not a winner.

Just make sure that YOU are relaxed, warm and friendly. Don't go into it expecting anything or else youll get anxious. As long as you're relaxed it will help her relaxed, and that will foster an atmosphere where you might have a moment to make your move. Its better not to say "today is going to be the day" - but just got for it when you feel your ready. Of course the flip side of this is, if there is a moment, don't waste it.

[Froogleyboy]

adult products? bwhahaha i have no idea what you mean by that, but it is an amusing phrase. But if you mean things like booze, then i'd advise against. Personally i think getting someone inebriated with the sole intention of making a move is a bit morally bankrupt

But gift giving to foster a moment where making your first move rarely pays off. You can't buy you way into someones affections, and do so with the expecation of some sort of shift in behavior from them may alter your body language a bit. Not a winner.

Just make sure that YOU are relaxed, warm and friendly. Don't go into it expecting anything or else youll get anxious. As long as you're relaxed it will help her relaxed, and that will foster an atmosphere where you might have a moment to make your move. Its better not to say "today is going to be the day" - but just got for it when you feel your ready. Of course the flip side of this is, if there is a moment, don't waste it.

I consider booze an adult product, and I mean like . . . snacks and stuff I guess. People say chocolate fosters romance . . . so, stuff like that

[Keld Denar]

WOW...so, skimming over the last couple posts, the only thing that caught my eye was "chocolate adult products". Reminds me of a specialty store I saw in Boston, near my ex's apartment.

Mmmmmm, naughty chocolate is even more delicious when its shaped like boobies!

[xPANCAKEx]

I consider booze an adult product, and I mean like . . . snacks and stuff I guess. People say chocolate fosters romance . . . so, stuff like that

in a relationship it may be an appropriate gift - when trying to woo a girl on what she may think is another evening of hanging out it will be a bit much and probably tip her off that somethings going on, so she won't be relaxed. Small acts of kindness don't go amiss but they're best if spontanious rather than engineered. If you have to ask yourself "hey, if i do that, maybe it will improve the mood" then 9 times out of 10, its won't. It just has to be natural

She already hangs out with you regularly so shes comfortable with you - you don't need to pre-amble it by telling her how you feel or giving her something as a show of affection. Make your move to show your affection - much easier

[Jalor]

Heh, I rarely give gifts to people I'm already in relationships with, let alone before we even start. No need to buy her anything, just make your move.

[Hadrian_Emrys]

Jalor has the right of it. Just be level with her. Making a big show of it is the lame arse stuff of badly written tripe from Hollywood and only serves to add pressure to the event. If you must get her something, make it something from the heart on your first date.

[Froogleyboy]

Yeah, I know, but I was just thinking ahead, Cuz I'm planning on me and her leaving the store and sitting in an alley somewhere (we do this sometimes) maybe be like "Wana coke?"

[xPANCAKEx]

Yeah, I know, but I was just thinking ahead, Cuz I'm planning on me and her leaving the store and sitting in an alley somewhere (we do this sometimes) maybe be like "Wana coke?"

thats fair enough, but only if the situation warrents it - i wouldnt think ahead of time "and at some point i'll offer to buy her a coke". Artificial = not sexy

[Serpentine]

^: I like how apparently she never told her friends that they might not wanna date a cheating ho-bag and yet cares enough about it to wonder what's going through the girl's head.

Are you talking about me, there? I didn't know two of the first three guys, the other of the three I wouldn't blame her (he's a manipulative bastard who stretches out relationships loooong past the other wants out), I didn't find out about the others until after it was all over, and even if I had, G wouldn't have listened to me. I'm still undecided whether I should tell E what she's done. Probably best if someone else did it, but noone does! People who are friends with both the guys and her just whistle it away! Everyone's in love with her. Hell, I was one of them for a while.
Anyway, yeah, by the time I heard about any of P's relationships, they were already begun - and in some cases, over, and I didn't know her modus operandi then anyway.

M and A are still together. I don't know how much A knows about what happened. Not the most healthy of relationships, regardless...

oh noes, its SERPZILLA

that girl just sounds toxic - i wouldn't even talk about her with other people. If you get asked your opinion just say "well, shes messed a few of my friends about, and i dont think shes trust worthy - but i don't really wanna talk about her" you'll come off on the moral high horse while she'll still be in the gutter

Awwww. But bitching about P is one of my group's favourite passtimes I do tend to avoid the topic when I'm around their friends, though... but how can E still like her?! That's the next puzzle...

Hey. I have something I need to tell you. I like you. Like, a lot. And I want to ask that if things don't work out between you and [bloke's name], could we maybe make that concert a date? I understand if no, but I had to ask. Cheers, [my name].

Well done That message is almost perfect - the only possible negative points might be that it was via SMS, not in person, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, and that you didn't stress a bit more that it won't get weird if she says "no", but you did mention it and it could be better to not make a big deal out of it. So, yep, bravo Keep us posted, kay?

[xPANCAKEx]

Awwww. But bitching about P is one of my group's favourite passtimes I do tend to avoid the topic when I'm around their friends, though... but how can E still like her?! That's the next puzzle...

well still - rise above, that way you come across smelling of roses. If someone asks, give them the general detail, but only really spill the beans if someone presses you

as for E - next time she says "he still likes me" ask her "does he know what you've done?" If she says yes - don't press the issue or try and argue, or ask her any more. Just leave it at that. Then go and have a sit down with E. Tell him you think its only fair that he knows. Preferably have a friend or two with you, just so that he knows it not being bitchy, you're JUST giving him a heads up. And dont sit and bitch about her with him. He may already know and be fine with it... odd as that sounds

If she says no... then DEFINATELY tell him yourself if you feel that strongly about it. Otherwise, let it be. Its up to him if he wants to be wrapped up in her

in all likelihood, if he knows what shes done before AND since then he must suspect - it may just be one of those infatuations where people go for a scumbag

[skywalker]

Froogleboy, those gents who've already spoken to you have the long and the short of it.

Also, I really want to let everybody (Ever) know that I have a girlfriend

Apparently, she was in fact not put off by what happened on Saturday, since she was interested in more of it happening tonight. One interesting note, she looked at me at one point and said "Will you be my boyfriend so we can [take this to the next level]?" To which I replied, "sweetheart, I will be your boyfriend, but not for that reason." Apparently, she has very, very cynical views about men, also remarking "You're either really, really awesome or completely full of [crap]."

I assured her, as I'm sure you all already know, that it is the former

[Coidzor]

Well, that's good. Hopefully it doesn't turn ugly in the future with that cynicism.

[TFT]

This situation has me confused, though it isn't(I think) of the romantic nature.

I have a friend at my school, but we are barely friends. Think maybe a little conversation about nothing important, or little side comments. Well, I somehow offended by accident(Or was it purposely, I can't even remember) by being picked by the teacher for something she wanted to do instead. She decided not to talk to me for the rest of the year. She seemed pretty serious about it, because everytime she forgets and says something to me, she goes "Oh yea, I'm not talking to you". I'm just confused as to how I am to react. Its not like talking to her is something I need to do, but it is wierd to have that happen.

[Zeb The Troll]

I think I'd just ask straight up "What are you talking about? Why are you apparently not talking to me? Are you secretly afraid that I'll ask you out and cause you to swoon right here in front of everyone?" Or, you know, something to that effect.

[Coidzor]

mmm, that's even better than my suggestion he tell her that her constant silliness and verbal abuse has led him to realize that he is deeply in love with her and so he must never see her again lest he be driven mad with passion and ask her out, shaming her forever and causing her to have to commit seppuku.

As a totally overreacting and being a **** way of course.

[Dvil]

Ok, an update for you all: she said no, but there was no awkwardness or anything today when we talked, so it's all still good . Also, a friend of mine (who is notoriously good with women) has invited me to an open house he has this weekend, so I'll maybe get another chance with someone there. Who knows?