Most Pathetic DnD Monster

[Grumman]

The Ocean Strider from Monster Manual II. It's a huge aquatic Fey which has a hard time using its special attack to sink a rowboat, and would be better off with 15 Barbarian HD than its 30 Fey HD.

[Ilmryn]

Not at all contrived, I'd use this in my games

So, how much XP would the players get for beating that? I'd suggest 0.000000000000000000000001 XP.

[CockroachTeaParty]

A sickened, shaken, exhausted, entangled, venerable kobold commoner in Mountain Plate, throwing a spiked chain at a target 100 ft. away, with several active Bestow Curse spells cast upon it (and no proficiency feats for the armor or weapon, of course).

Hmm... might not be able to stack Bestow Curse... in that case, it's Feebleminded, Confused, repeatedly poisoned, unable to fulfill a Geas/Quest, and a Hexblade cursed it as well.

Edit: Feat choice: Sacred Vow, which it immediately violated by killing a puppy for no reason, thus losing the benefit of the feat.

[Kobold-Bard]

Hmm... might not be able to stack Bestow Curse... in that case, it's Feebleminded, Confused, repeatedly poisoned, unable to fulfill a Geas/Quest, and a Hexblade cursed it as well.

That's much better.

[CockroachTeaParty]

Ooh, we could also give this kobold, who I've named 'granpappy,' two flaws, which he took for bonus Exalted feats. He of course immediately violated whatever sacred vows he took (let's say Poverty, which he lost for owning the mountain plate and spiked chain, and Chastity, the losing of which is up to the imagination). The Flaws he took are something good like Pathetic, Noncombatant, or what have you.

[Ilmryn]

Ooh, we could also give this kobold, who I've named 'granpappy,' two flaws, which he took for bonus Exalted feats. He of course immediately violated whatever sacred vows he took (let's say Poverty, which he lost for owning the mountain plate and spiked chain, and Chastity, the losing of which is up to the imagination). The Flaws he took are something good like Pathetic, Noncombatant, or what have you.

Will he even have a CR above 1/infinite by the time you are done?
Well, I did ask for pathetic monsters. Now, instead of piling on penalties, is it possible to have a maximal nonoptimization? Something completely rididculous? Sort of like pun-pun, but in reverse?

[PersonMan]

Will he even have a CR above 1/infinite by the time you are done?
Well, I did ask for pathetic monsters. Now, instead of piling on penalties, is it possible to have a maximal nonoptimization? Something completely rididculous? Sort of like pun-pun, but in reverse?

That's what is being done here.

[Athaniar]

No, the best feat for this kobold would be any of the four kobold feats from Dragon #342.

[Kobold-Bard]

Will he even have a CR above 1/infinite by the time you are done?
Well, I did ask for pathetic monsters. Now, instead of piling on penalties, is it possible to have a maximal nonoptimization? Something completely rididculous? Sort of like pun-pun, but in reverse?

The Tarasque.

Pun-Pun is a Kobold and so should be crap, but is amazing.
The Tarrasque should be amazing, but is really just a bit rubbish.

[CockroachTeaParty]

Will he even have a CR above 1/infinite by the time you are done?
Well, I did ask for pathetic monsters. Now, instead of piling on penalties, is it possible to have a maximal nonoptimization? Something completely rididculous? Sort of like pun-pun, but in reverse?

Well, there are many ways you could do this.

A 1st level awakened skeleton Evil Incarnate, with no CON score and without that feat that allows undead to shape soulmelds... he can... Detect Good?

A 1st level orc wizard with a 6 INT score...

A 1st level fallen paladin jermlaine...

[PId6]

Will he even have a CR above 1/infinite by the time you are done?
Well, I did ask for pathetic monsters. Now, instead of piling on penalties, is it possible to have a maximal nonoptimization? Something completely rididculous? Sort of like pun-pun, but in reverse?

There was a "weakest character ever" thread a while ago on the CO forums that I can't find anymore. The winner was I believe one called Nup Nup, which was some kind of wizard/psion 20 with not enough Int to cast spells/manifest powers, lots of skill points in Craft (Basketweaving), and exactly 0 HP, so that he would start dying if he performed any action.

[Pink]

Wow...that's bloody impressive to actually have 0 HP. How is that accomplished? Don't you need to get at least 1 HP a level?

[Kobold-Bard]

Wow...that's bloody impressive to actually have 0 HP. How is that accomplished? Don't you need to get at least 1 HP a level?

Quick Trait takes 1 HP every level, including first.

[PId6]

Wow...that's bloody impressive to actually have 0 HP. How is that accomplished? Don't you need to get at least 1 HP a level?

Frail flaw allows you to get 0 HP per level.

[Pink]

Ah yes, so bleeding obvious.

The funny thing is this Nup Nup would completely incapacitate one of the player's in my game who has a chronic fear of...baskets.

[PersonMan]

Ah yes, so bleeding obvious.

The funny thing is this Nup Nup would completely incapacitate one of the player's in my game who has a chronic fear of...baskets.

Nope.

Nup Nup can't make baskets. Doing so would put him into negatives.

[Pink]

He could threaten to make them though. Major bonus on an intimidate check.

[PersonMan]

He could threaten to make them though. Major bonus on an intimidate check.

This would help how?

"You...you make baskets, huh? Well, you can't make baskets if you're DEAD!" -slash! slash! slash!-

[Flickerdart]

He could threaten to make them though. Major bonus on an intimidate check.

Still a standard action, which would kill him.

[Temotei]

Nope.

Nup Nup can't make baskets. Doing so would put him into negatives.

"Lalala...weaving...agh!"
"...is he dead?"
"Nah, just bleeding internally."

[Kobold-Bard]

If he doesn't have enough Int to cast all those Wizard spells his Craft checks can't be brilliant even if he can survive long enough to make one.

\/--1d3-4? Seriously? WTF? Does it heal you when it scratches you?

[--Lime--]

I'd actually rank the rat lower than the toad.

Sure, it moves at 15 feet, not 5, but its AC is 1 lower, and its attack is also totally useless (1d3-4). The only thing it's good at is running away or not going noticed, and even if it runs it can be outrun by most PC races. If it isn't noticed, then it doesn't even count for combat.

[PersonMan]

I'd actually rank the rat lower than the toad.

Sure, it moves at 15 feet, not 5, but its AC is 1 lower, and its attack is also totally useless (1d3-4). The only thing it's good at is running away or not going noticed, and even if it runs it can be outrun by most PC races. If it isn't noticed, then it doesn't even count for combat.

It can possibly do damage. Every attack does at least 1 damage. The toad can't do any damage at all.

[Pink]

Still a standard action, which would kill him.

Ummm, only in combat. Otherwise it's a minute of interaction. And since talking is a free action, is all good

Also, for that matter, crafting isn't specifically a standard action (and dying specifies standard actions), so it's up to DM discretion.

Lime: ...something with an attack...is more useless than something without an attack?

[Greenish]

\/--1d3-4? Seriously? WTF? Does it heal you when it scratches you?

Nah, it just deals minimum damage (1). The minimum damage is the reason house cats are so lethal: their attacks are only 1d2-4 (claws) and 1d3-4 (bite).

[onthetown]

I would say a cockatrice, but those things have managed to kill me a couple of times at lower levels... It just looks so pathetic, though.

[Ingus]

You can go with these with no fail.
http://www.jimmyr.com/blog/Bunny_Sui...s_226_2007.php

Or else...

Take a kobold paladin level 1, with ranks in Knowledge (the planes), Skill Focus in the same, just a couple of other ways to pump it, two ridiculusly harsh flaws and...
Now it is trivial to know Pazuzu. Call him. Get a candle of invocation. Then call him again for good measure, for a second candle of invocation (not for free gift, maybe alignment switch too, but hey, this is theorical unoptimization ).
Now you can use a candle of invocation to call a Noble Djinni and ask him three wishes. These are "Use bestrow curse, greater on me, to give me Strenght, Dexterity and Constitution scores of 1".
Repeat for Int, Wis and Char, yust be sure tu hit Int last, so you can continue talk and so wish.

Note: Bestrow curse, Greater, works with wish because it is also a level 6 spell for bards.

And now beat me :D

[Morph Bark]

Bats and toads both have 1/10 CR and no attacks at all. How about a fusion of them?

[Runestar]

Even the humble toad or housecat can be easily optimized. Give them 2 flaws, and have them take shape soulmeld, for a 2d6 acid ranged touch attack and limited flight capabilities. How's that for a cr1/4 monster?

[Morph Bark]

Even the humble toad or housecat can be easily optimized. Give them 2 flaws, and have them take shape soulmeld, for a 2d6 acid ranged touch attack and limited flight capabilities. How's that for a cr1/4 monster?

With such things, any creature suddenly becomes capable if it wasn't already.