Things you don't want to hear the PC's/DM say

[Silus]

Just a fun thread. Just post some things that you don't like hearing from either your players or from the DM.

DM: "Hehehehe...." *Starts gathering d6's*

PC: *Playing an Owlbear* "I attempt a grapple."

[Tyndmyr]

Any: "So, I found this thing called the book of erotic fantasies"

DM: "It's the fourth day of your trek...how many trail rations did you pack?"

PCs: "Well, we'll start by eating the fattest."

[lokoone]

DM: "I dont want to DM, do you guys still want to play?"

everytime she says that, someone make a new character... last week in the same adventure we lost 3 player characters.

[Kyrthain]

PC: "I'm thinking of playing a kobold"
Or
DM: *Insane cackling laughter*

[Necroticplague]

When I dm: Hold on a sec, I need to stat up this encounter.

when I'm playing:How exactly am I being restrained?

When I co DM: (whispering to DM)Here, take this, it might have something to challange the wizard *hands crystalkeep template printout and book of templates*.

[Barbin]

DM: A rust colored insect roughly you size seems very fond of your armor.

PC: I throw a torch into X important building.

[Bagger]

DM: so ranger how many arrorws did you buy for world largest dungon?

[Engine]

DM: "You arrived just in time." (traveling without too much worries)
DM: "You arrived just in time." (traveling at maximum speed)

PLAYER: "I need (insert race\feat\magic item here), without that my character is ruined."
PLAYER: "Sorry, but my character had to do that. Roleplaying, you know." (after charging enemies like Leeroy Jenkins. Or everything else)

DM: "Doesn't work." (everytime you try to figure out what the DM wants you to do, because none of your ideas seem to work)
DM: "Too overpowered." (every feat that could be useful for a non-caster)

PLAYER: "You should give me XP for that." (while ignoring every NPC and quest hook)
PLAYER: "I want to play a (insert everything ridiculous here)." (modern setting, the player wanted to play an army major. Who had 20 years)

[Noedig]

DM: *Looking through the random encounters. Look of slight dismay* "Well ****, this is gonna get rough."

PC: "I open it."

[Zaydos]

DM: Let me get my lucky die.

PC: I proposition the tentacle monster.

I love the looks on their faces when I say the former

The latter is why I ban the BoEF now.

[Dusk Eclipse]

DM: "Are you sure you want to do that? well then...."

PC: "I cast fireball centred on myself"

[big teej]

DM: "so.... when are you free tomorrow?"
DM: "you've been knocked unconcious and I'll be keeping track of your hitpoints from now on"
DM: "roll me a percentage"
DM: "the bugbear hits you"
DM: "whats your flatfooted AC?"
DM: SNEAK ATTACK DAMAGE!!!

- all of the above are from last night's sessoin, which resulted in the deaths of 2 characters, a third of the party.

player: "I'm about to do something..... excessive"
player: "ha!"

that's all for now, but there are PLENTY more.

[Zaydos]

DM: -insert specific player's name here- make a X check.
Said PC: 4?
DM: Continue.
Rest of Party: -groans-

Sometimes they groan first. Especially the player who was playing when I did this the first time.

[Aemoh87]

DM: "You arrived just in time." (traveling without too much worries)
DM: "You arrived just in time." (traveling at maximum speed)

PLAYER: "I need (insert race\feat\magic item here), without that my character is ruined."
PLAYER: "Sorry, but my character had to do that. Roleplaying, you know." (after charging enemies like Leeroy Jenkins. Or everything else)

DM: "Doesn't work." (everytime you try to figure out what the DM wants you to do, because none of your ideas seem to work)
DM: "Too overpowered." (every feat that could be useful for a non-caster)

PLAYER: "You should give me XP for that." (while ignoring every NPC and quest hook)
PLAYER: "I want to play a (insert everything ridiculous here)." (modern setting, the player wanted to play an army major. Who had 20 years)

The Humanity...

[MightyPirate]

DM: Okay so he made his reflex save against the falling horse, who's adjacent to him again?

[Desril]

PC: "We're going to go pirating!" (Said after they just fought off some pirates...the campaign changed course afterward, they were supposed to be going to a port town on the mainland, instead they end up on an island)

[gorfnab]

DM: From out of the water, a crab as large as a house scuttles towards you. Roll initiative.

[Cogidubnus]

PC: "I want to steal from X friendly NPC here"
PC: "I want to stab X friendly NPC"
PC: "I want to stab plot-significant NPC/our employer/the party wizard"

Yes, I've DMed for THAT Chaotic Evil rogue.

[Kyrthain]

DM: There don't appear to be any _______ (traps, monsters, auras of dark magic, etc)

[GoodbyeSoberDay]

DM: "All of the [melee brutes] made their will saves. Again."
DM: "All of the [cleric-types] made their reflex saves. Again."
DM: "All of the [squishy-types] made their fortitude saves. Again."

DM: "Yes, you got a 37, but what was the roll on the d20? 4? You fail."
DM: "Yes, you got a 14, but what was the roll on the d20? 17? You succeed."

PC: [Nothing, when plot-important information is privately revealed to him]
PC: [Nothing, when asked about plot-important information]
PC: [After hours in and out of game banging our heads against the wall] "Hey, is it important that [plot important information]?"

PC: "Because I'm chaotic neutral!"

PC: "Nah, my character isn't interested in any of those ideas. He's just going to stay in town and relax."

[slaydemons]

my friend hates to hear this

PC(me): I have a spell for that

[Provengreil]

DM: roll fort save.
PC ....22.
DM:....d****t, now i need to check the DC.

PC: I sit on the ground and do nothing.
other PCs: me too.
(this has actually happened to me.)

DM: the drow looks angry.

DM: i don't have a figure of appropriate size, so i guess this land raider's gonna have to do.

and my favorite(all from a PC, we play on most sundays):

monday: I wanna play a cancer mage.
tuesday: No, it's gonna be a disciple of mammon.
wednesday: still a disciple, but mephistopholes(hope i spelled it right)
thursday:can I apply this template?
friday: OK, i think i need you to tell me what a level adjustment is, exactly.
saturday: what if i was an evil half iron golem monk with vow of poverty?
sunday: I'm a human bard!

this was like 3 weeks ago.

and one more: DM(this was me, apologetic voice): I can't seem to stop rolling 17s.

[vampire2948]

monday: I wanna play a cancer mage.
tuesday: No, it's gonna be a disciple of mammon.
wednesday: still a disciple, but mephistopholes(hope i spelled it right)
thursday:can I apply this template?
friday: OK, i think i need you to tell me what a level adjustment is, exactly.
saturday: what if i was an evil half iron golem monk with vow of poverty?
sunday: I'm a human bard!

this was like 3 weeks ago.

I've done that to every DM I've ever had. Wonder why they keep inviting me to games.

Player: <Any mention of the BoEF>

Player: "How much does a human child weigh?" [Did this in a game. Turns out the zombie seagulls are pretty good at child-snatching]

Player: "Oops! The dice rolled on the floor. Oh a 20!"

[Saint GoH]

It's been mentioned, but anytime the DM says

DM: PC, make a *fill in le blank* check.
PC: Err... *Result*
Dm: Continue.
PC's: GAHHH!

orrrrrrr (this happened not too long ago, I was DM )

DM: Have you gone yet this combat? No? *Check's sheet* That's a lot of d6's... *rummages through dice bag*

[Combat Reflexes]

Player: 'I'm just playing my alignment' (apparently Good characters burn down villages as well)

Players: 'Naah, let's not go to the special crypts that our DM has spent six hours on for statting every single detail. We'll sell the townsfolk as slaves to make some money, or rob the bank or something like that.'

PC's are the ultimate gods of chaos.

[Amnestic]

Player: 'I'm just playing my alignment' (apparently Good characters burn down villages as well)

"It was self defence! You saw it, the orphanage village attacked me!"

[Provengreil]

Player: 'I'm just playing my alignment' (apparently Good characters burn down villages as well)

Players: 'Naah, let's not go to the special crypts that our DM has spent six hours on for statting every single detail. We'll sell the townsfolk as slaves to make some money, or rob the bank or something like that.'

PC's are the ultimate gods of chaos.

OMG, i hate that. i have all this crap ready for like 4 more sessions because I made a small corner of the land for the campaign i'm running, and what do they do? leave the ruined castle, and instead of going to the next place they wander in circles for 18 in game days looking for random encounters. I honestly don't even know why I let it go that long.

As for alignment, the inherent nature of an adventurer makes playing the game and having anything but a chaotic alignment nearly irreconcilable, unless you simply choose to overlook it. good and evil are a different story though.

[docHigh]

This happened today on our 3.0 Ravenloft campaign.

DM: [To a lvl1 wizard] That makes a total of 4 regular and 10 Con damage.
Wizard: well, i drop unconscious. How much is my max HP?
DM: Hmmm.. You currently have score of 3. That makes max HP of 1.
Party cleric: Hahh.. now we got our personal minion.
All the rest PCs are down with hysterical laughter.

[Engine]

PC: "Bad roleplayer." (when you're not drooling after her 18-Charisma character) (Her character - all of her characters - was obsessed with sex. Really annoying)

DM: "You can't do that. You're Lawful." (everytime your character don't follow the letter of the rules and ruins the DM's plan)

PC: "I can do that. I'm Chaotic." (everytime the player wants to screw up the rest of the party doing something stupid)

DM: "Heavy roleplaying." or "Tactical combat." (after you create a character unfit for the campaign)

PC: "My character (insert boring information about the character)." (when you're having fun outside the game and another player really wants you to know every detail about the character he\she's playing)

DM: "This NPC will help you." (and railroad the rest of the party)

PC: "I roll Initiative." (a lot of painful times, like when they tried to kill each other for an item on the ground. Non-magical, even they didn't know that)

DM: "You should really try a NPC class." (Why, just tell me *WHY*!?>_<)

[AshDesert]

DM: Are you sure you want to do that?

Player: I want to play a Druid.

DM: No need to roll for this one. You're pretty much dead.

Player: I want to play a Kobold Paladin.

DM: How much water did you bring with? *while playing Dark Sun*