Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[HunterOfJello]

992. I am no longer allowed to cast Call Zelekhut to have a CR9 Inevitable track down and kill the pickpocketing children who stole my bread from me in the tavern while I was hitting on the wenches.
992b. I am not allowed to use call Zelekhut to kill paladins after convincing the mayor to make paladins illegal in town.
992c. I am not allowed to use Call Kolyarut on people who broke their wedding vows. (Especially after using diplomancy to get them to do so.)
993. I am no longer allowed to summon Inevitables.

[DoughGuy]

994. I may not play a frenzied beserker after that incident in the Spire.
995. While trying to find and kill an invisible enemy I may not cast searing light on it's pet fiendish tendriculous that was not interested in killing anyone unless someone attacked it.
996. Swallowed Half-Copper dragons may not carve out a pocket in an enemies stomach and live there feeding on the scraps the enemy eats.
997. A pyromaniac paladin is not allowed.
998. Worshipping the enemies gods and using my psionic powers to convert another player's character to my religion is not allowed. Especially if I plan to betray them. I must kill the rest of the party on my own, not with help.
999. If the DM says only good characters are allowed and a fellow player uses an evil character I may not "kill him to avenge the DM's honour". Even if it is what my character would do.
1000a. I may not attempt to kill the party frontliner by letting him go talk to a horde of orcs on his own after convincing the party we're better off without him.
1000b. Especially if it turns out he's evil and this ends up ending the adventure much quicker than it should have been.
1001. I cannot get drunk, body slam the floor, miss and claim I am now floating.

[DontEatRawHagis]

1002. I am not allowed to roll to see if my character gets lucky at the bar.
1003. I am not allowed to roll to see if anyone elses character gets lucky at the bar.
1004. I am not allowed to roll to see if the DM gets lucky.
1004a. especially when I use a d100.

[leakingpen]

968: One style gives bonuses to using Claymores. One style gives bonuses to using Zweihanders. Claymores and Zweihanders are not the same thing, and you may only get the benefits of one school at a time.
968a: While wielding the appropriate sword.
968b: You may not dual-wield a Claymore and a Zweihander.
968c: There is no such thing as a Clayhander.
968d: Or a Zweimore, for that matter.
968e: Any further inquiries along this line of questioning will result in being smacked with a dual-wielded Zweimore and Clayhander.

Ahh, Houses. I play in John Wick's Larp version, and he does NOT put up with that , to quote, "Vampire wanna be power gaming bonus stacking BULL****" and has threatened to beat people for it.

[Alabenson]

1005 I may not play characters based off of muppets.
1006 Nor may I create a spellcasting mime.
1007 From now on, the Pyrokineticist prestige class is banned to me.
1008 As is the Vow of Peace feat.
1009 I am to cease all efforts to homebrew a set of races based on My Little Pony.

[MrRigger]

1009b. Especially since those already exist.
1010. Absolutely no Dragonborn or Half Dragon My Little Ponies.

MrRigger

[Darthteej]

1011. There are no such things as stats for Half-Force dragons.
1011a. Nor Half-Prismatic dragons.
1011b. Even if you find them, they don't exist.
1012.And I KNOW that there's no such thing as a Half-Hetcaoncherie.
1013. It is not possible to be be a worm that wal...son of a bitch.

[NullShadow]

1014. I will not while playing a pyromaniac alchemist (in Pathfinder) remember that ships are made of wood after the fact while being boarded.

[Elyssian]

1015. I will not sing 99 bottles of Ale on the wall everytime someone attempts to read my mind a 6 INT score is not smart enough to count backwards...
1016. I am not allowed to sing the whole song OOC to reenforce the point

[Rockphed]

1015. I will not sing 99 bottles of Ale on the wall everytime someone attempts to read my mind a 6 INT score is not smart enough to count backwards...

1015a. Nor may I sing "99 bottles of Ale on the floor" which counts up. Int 6 is too dumb to think of that.
1015b. Convincing intelligent party members to suggest the idea IC is also forbidden.

(Next up is 1017)

[Kris Strife]

1015a. Nor may I sing "99 bottles of Ale on the floor" which counts up. Int 6 is too dumb to think of that.
1015b. Convincing intelligent party members to suggest the idea IC is also forbidden.

(Next up is 1017)

What about "This is the Song that Never Ends?"

[RandomNPC]

What about "This is the Song that Never Ends?"

I could see a greatsword fighter, marching around town, "This is the sword that never ends, yes it stabs on and on my friends..."

[Rockphed]

What about "This is the Song that Never Ends?"

Depends on how lawful the character is. If he is very lawful, he will starve to death unless equipped with a ring* of sustenance or periodically distracted by his accomplices.

If he is more chaotic, he will probably only sing it to annoy "silly spell caster types".

*or some other artifact that removes his need to eat. You should probably also give him something to remove his need to sleep.

[Ksheep]

Depends on how lawful the character is. If he is very lawful, he will starve to death unless equipped with a ring* of sustenance or periodically distracted by his accomplices.

If he is more chaotic, he will probably only sing it to annoy "silly spell caster types".

*or some other artifact that removes his need to eat. You should probably also give him something to remove his need to sleep.

Change it to "This Is the Thought That Never Ends". Keep it up while sleeping, you'll never get bothered by those bothersome prophetic dreams. It'll also give you a great excuse for your INT of 3.

[leakingpen]

You write the spells, YOU WRITE THE SPELLS! heh.

[OracleofWuffing]

1017: Today's breakfast is not made out of yesterday's TPK victims.

[ryu]

Aw but that halfling looked like good eating...

[BlackestOfMages]

a few M&M ones first

1017: no save mental transformation is not a power for the hero characters
1018: even if you make the target be a hero, it's still 'morraly wrong'
1019: taking a character with max ranks blast, wis 3 and an impulsive personality is aparantly a big no no
1020: the best way to prevent the enemy with your previous character sheet from mind controling the mayor/executive/etc is NOT to turn the victim into a smouldering pile of ash...
1021: X ray vision does not work that way...

and my one DnD one:
1022: you cannot use Prestidigitation to dye the BBEG's eyes black - that is not how it works.

edit: and a few more
1023: Bluff is not a viable replacement for spells/powers, no matter how many ranks I have
1023a: i may not bluff my opponent into believing they are dead
1023b: nor into believing they are my slaves
1023c: I may not use the bluff skill

1024: Hold Portal will not stop Dimensional Door
1024b: nor will it work against Gate
1024c: I may not use hold portal to seal a fellow PC's mouth shut, no matter how annoying they are

[Donox]

1025: I may not have a masterwork item for Bluff, no matter if it works by RAW

[Drazik]

1026: i am not aloud to sell something to a shop keeper then kill him to take it back
1027: i am not aloud to buy something from a shop keeper then kill him to take my money back
1028 i am not aloud to seduce the other PC's, no matter how well i roll
1029 i am not aloud to use alter self to make myself look like another one of the PC's and then walk into the hospital of a main city and kill everyone in it
1030 i am not aloud in hospitals
1031 i am not aloud to put a bag of holding inside another bag of holding and then turn the first one inside out and then the second one inside out.

[Lady Kat]

1032: I am not allowed to critique the fashion choices of the NPC's, no matter how much they deserve it.
1033: I am not allowed to cast Wall of Fire...ever.

[Kymme]

1034: I will not build a Thri-Kreen Warblade of the Tiger Claw

[Hiro Protagonest]

1034: I will not build a Thri-Kreen Warblade of the Tiger Claw

Dancing/Raging Mongoose only affects the first two weapons. Everything else is good!

[Herr Munchkin]

1035: Epic level craft skills cannot create the Bagger 288.

[byaku rai]

1036: My jiriku's Monk fix (which is awesome) character cannot make fun of the party Cleric for being encased in metal.

1036a: especially not once said Cleric starts getting higher-level spells.

1036b: ... even if her nickname in the party is Clank.

[Swooper]

1037. When confronted with a magical scroll that copies anything written on it to another identical scroll, not allowed to use it as toilet paper.
1037. b) Definitely not allowed to sell it to trolls as toilet paper either.

[Qwertystop]

923: I may not cast Create Sun. (Yes, it exists. You want a link?)

Yes, I do.

[big teej]

Yes, I do.

I too, would like a link to the spell that creates a giant burning ball of light and inconvienence for the DM.

[NNescio]

I too, would like a link to the spell that creates a giant burning ball of light and inconvienence for the DM.

Isn't that a double-digit level spell from the Immortal's Handbook? AKA the Complete Epileptic Monkeys Handbook, as Glyphstone puts it.

[big teej]

Isn't that a double-digit level spell from the Immortal's Handbook? AKA the Complete Epileptic Monkeys Handbook, as Glyphstone puts it.

drat.....

I was hoping it was just in some splatbook I haven't gotten ahold of.