Team Ready, Aim, Fire! XXIV - Robin Hood [game over]

[Lord Herman]

There are only 3 places left in the game! Sign up now! Win fabulous* prizes!

* Fabulous as in 'not real'

[Elder Tsofu]

Maybe unspecified should be added as the 3'rd team, they seem to be quite evenly matched.

[Lord Loss]

Joining the Sheriff's Men as Zaphod Beeblebrox

[Lord Herman]

Introduction

Deep in Sherwood Forest, a group of well-armed men are escorting a heavily laden wagon. "I hope we don't run into Robin Hood," says one. "We'd sure be in trouble if we did," says another, "what with all this gold we're bringing to Nottingham." "Yeah, the Sheriff will have our heads if it gets stolen." "I'm not too worried, though. What are the chances that he'll decide to ambush this heavily escorted gold-laden wagon?"

"...and then Robin Hood ambushed us." "Good," says the Sheriff of Nottingham. "Good, sir?" "That means my ruse worked. The other wagon will be arriving any moment now, carrying the actual gold." "You mean the second wagon you told us to take by the river, so the real gold would be delivered safely while this wagon, carrying nothing but rocks, would be ambushed by Robin Hood?" "Yes, that second wagon." "Well, you see sir, we decided that we could save a lot of time and effort by putting all the boxes on this wagon and taking it to Nottingham all in one go." "You did WHAT?" "But not to worry, sir! Robin Hood's men made off with all the gold, but we still have the rocks!"

Back in the forest, Robin Hood wakes up. His head hurts a lot. "What... what happened?" he says to himself. "Hit my head... stupid tree branch..." As he gets up, he looks around for... something. "Uh... wasn't I with some people? Some men? Merry men, perhaps?" He looks around, but the surrounding forest seems very much lacking in men, merry or otherwise. "Well, I guess I'll just go... uh... what is it I'm supposed to do? Steal from the... uh... someone... poor? Yes, that's it. I'm Robin Hood! I steal from the poor, and give to the rich! That sounds about right."

"...and then Robin Hood ambushed us." "Good," says Little John. "Good, sir?" "Wait, no, that's not good! Why would Robin Hood ambush you?" "I don't know," says Will Scarlet. "He said something about stealing from the poor, and then he took all our gold and rode off in the direction of Nottingham!" "What the devil is he up to?" "Does he have any brothers?" "What?" "Well, you know how sometimes people have brothers who look very similar to them, but who are evil?" "Don't be ridiculous, Will. He didn't have a goatee." "Oh."

[Lord Herman]

Players

Spoiler

Show

Merry Men (15/15)
billtodamax - Tree that's plotting something
The Bushranger - Will Scarlet
Castaras - Maid Marian from Maid Marian's Merry Men
Dallas-Dakota - Hobbit
Eternis - Djaq the Saracen
Fleeing Coward - Rock
The Grimmace - Village idiot
Harnel - Kid who wants to do good, slowly descending into madness from all the killing
Haruki-kun - Kid who is very upset Robin Hood isn't a fox
Lord Fullbladder - Obvious villain and criminal
Lord Magtok - Batman
Mustiado - Little John
Neodan282 - Humble but oppressed peasant
Reinholdt - Leaf of the ground
super dark33 - Black Knight who serves no man

The Sheriff's Men (15/15)
banjo1985 - Cunningly hidden bear trap
bladescape - Bladesmaster who takes mercenary jobs to try out world cuisine
calar
cd4
Elder Tsofu - Robin Hood
The Fiery Tower - Bag of gold coins
Grim ranger - Sheriff's personal executioner
happyturtle - Deer in Sherwood Forest
Inigo Montoya - Obviously evil soldier; Goatee, black cape, evil laugh, all of it.
Lord Loss - Mister Wolf
Moon Called - Morgana le Fay
Murska - Fake Richard the Lionheart
PirateMonk - Lost crusader
Xanmyral - Acolyte
Zar Peter - Sheriff of Nottingham (as played by Severus Snape)

Please send me your actions by Private Message before Saturday, 18:00 GMT.

[Lord Loss]

Is it too late to change my name to Mister Wolf? I just watched Pulp Fiction.

[Lord Herman]

Done.

[Elder Tsofu]

*cunningly plans to shoot one of the people reminded (with me) about the deadline*

[Lord Herman]

Round 1 is now over. Narration will be up sometime tomorrow.

[Shadow]

Dammit! I missed it AGAIN!

[Lord Herman]

Round 1

The Sheriff of Nottingham has decided to go and see how much gold he has left in his treasury. When he approaches, however, he sees the vault door is open, and a street urchin is sneaking out with a bag of gold. "Guards!" shouts the Sheriff, and four guards obligingly appear out of a side passage. "Arrest him!" The guards quickly surround the child, and while one of the guards puts him in irons, the others start arresting the gold he dropped.

Robin Hood is riding along a forest road, his horse laden with bags of gold. He's being followed; the Sheriff's personal executioner is close behind, his horse pulling a wagon carrying a portable gallows. Suddenly there is a loud clang, and Robin Hood's horse stumbles, its leg stuck in a cunningly hidden bear trap. Robin Hood gets up and removes the trap. "Someone must have put this here for a reason. Better leave it the way I found it, I guess." Robin Hood sets up the trap again, and then sets about trying to fix his horse as the executioner approaches. Suddenly there is a loud clang, and the executioner's horse stumbles, its leg stuck in a cunningly hidden bear trap. The executioner gets up and removes the trap. "Someone must have put this here for a reason. Better leave it the way I found it, I guess." The executioner sets up the trap again, and then sets about trying to kill Robin Hood. They have a spectacular sword fight, but suddenly there is a loud clang, and the executioner stumbles, his leg stuck in a cunningly hidden bear trap. As the executioner bleeds to death, Robin Hood removes the trap. "Someone must have put this here for a reason. Better leave it the way I found it, I guess." Robin Hood sets up the trap again, and then sets about getting rid of the body. As luck would have it, Winston Wolf was just taking a walk in the forest, and Robin Hood calls out to him, asking if he's please help get rid of the body. Suddenly there is a loud clang, and Mr. Wolf stumbles, his leg stuck in a cunningly hidden bear trap. As Mr. Wolf bleeds to death, Robin Hood removes the trap. "Someone must have put this here for a reason. Better leave it the way I found it, I guess." Robin Hood sets up the trap again, and then sets about loading the gold back onto the horse. Suddenly there is a loud clang, and Robin Hood stumbles, his leg stuck in a cunningly hidden bear trap. The bear trap, succumbing to excessive use, falls apart as Robin Hood bleeds to death.

Little John has sent Maid Marian, the village idiot, Will Scarlet and Haruki-kun into the forest to chop some wood. "So," says Maid Marian, "chopping wood. Um... do any of you know how that is done?" "Witches!" says the village idiot. "What?" says Will Scarlet. "Witches are made of wood. Let's chop down a witch!" "This stinks!" says the kid, "Why isn't Robin Hood here? And who are you guys? You're not Merry Men! The Merry Men are anthropomorphic animals!" "For the thousandth time," says Will Scarlet, "we ARE the Merry Men! And Robin Hood isn't here because he's out stealing from the... uh... poor, was it? Well, anyway, he's stealing from someone. And he's not an animal either." "Yes he is! He's a fox!" "He's not a fox!" "Is!" "Isn't!" "Look," says Maid Marian, "let's just get on with chopping wood, shall we?" "Right," says Will Scarlet. "So, do any of you know where to find a witch?" asks the village idiot. "Wood comes from trees," says the kid. The Merry Men look confused. "Trees?" "Yes. My mom told me that wood comes from trees. You have to hit them with an axe, and then wood comes out." "How very strange," says Maid Marian. "So trees are witches?" says the village idiot. "You know what, let's try it out," says Will Scarlet. "That there is a tree, right?" He walks up to the tree, and starts hitting it with his axe. As he's about halfway through the tree, it starts creaking and swaying, and then falls over, crushing Will Scarlet. "The witch got him!" shrieks the village idiot. "It's turned him into... uh... jam, it would seem! Quick, burn it! Burn the witch!"

There is a knock at the gates of Nottingham. As the guards open it, they exclaim, "It is King Richard, returned from the crusades!" "Yes," says the man wearing a crown and groucho glasses, "it is I, your king! And these are my faithful vassals, Sirs Calar and Cd4. Grovel before us!" "Right away, your majesty!" say the guards, doing as he says. As the royal procession makes its way to the castle, however, it finds its way blocked by a knight clad in black. "Halt!" says the knight. "Oh no," says the King, "not this again. This is the third time in a row that I've had to cut a black knight to bits because he wouldn't let me pass." "I think it's a reference from a film, sire," says Sir Calar. "Be that as it may, that's no reason to repeat it over and over," says King Richard the Cleverly Disguised. "Nevertheless," says the black knight, "none shall pass." "He's right," says a humble but oppressed peasant, "We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune! We don't have a king!" "I concur!" says Lord Fullbladder, twirling his moustache. The peasant nudges him. "Oh, right, Monty Python reference. Uh... ni!" "Right," says the king, "this is getting far too silly. Charge!" And as the black knight tries to bite the king's legs off and the peasant complains about the violence inherent in the system, the warhorses trample them. "I'm not quite dead!" says Lord Fullbladder, shortly before a giant foot falls from the sky and crushes him.

As a hobbit lies sleeping in Sherwood Forest, an evil solder sneaks up on him. "Aha! One of Robin Hood's Merry Men!" As the hobbit wakes up, the soldier draws his sword. "Don't move," he says. "You are completely at my mercy. You have fallen into my cunning trap, and now your are doomed! DOOMED!" The evil soldier bursts into evil laughter, but suddenly stumbles as Batman jumps onto his back from a tree. As he stumbles forward, however, the soldier's sword is driven through the hobbit's heart. "Oops," says Batman. "Muahahaha! Fool! You can never stop..." The evil soldier is stopped, however, by Batman's fist connecting sharply with his face. As the soldier is taken away by the police, Batman turns around to be faced by Morgana le Fay and an Acolyte. "Wait, you aren't supposed to be in this setting," says Batman. "Didn't the narrator do his research?" But as he realises what he just said, he disappears in a puff of irony.

A lost crusader and a mercenary bladesmaster are camped in the forest. "What kind of sword is that?" asks the crusader. "It is a katana. It comes from lands far to the east." "It looks a bit flimsy." "Flimsy? This is the sharpest sword ever made! It can cut through anything!" "Anything? Don't be ridiculous. Can your sword do this?" The crusader takes his saracen prisoner, ties him to a tree, and cleaves the poor man in twain. "Very impressive," says the bladesmaster. "But can your sword do this?" The bladesmaster picks a large rock, raises his katana, and with one stroke, cuts the rock in two. "Oh, come on," says the crusader, "that's absurd. What's that sword made of, uranium?"

Somewhere in the forest, a deer is looking for food. It comes across a leaf that looks promising. The deer eats the leaf, but immediately spits it out, as it tastes suspiciously like poison. Unfortunately, the deer already swallowed a bit, and keels over dead.

[Lord Herman]

Actions

Spoiler

Show

{table]Merry Men|Action
billtodamax|Self
The Bushranger|Self
Castaras|Air
Dallas-Dakota|Timeout
Eternis|Timeout
Fleeing Coward|Timeout
The Grimmace|Air
Harnel|The Fiery Tower
Haruki-kun|Air
Lord Fullbladder|Murska
Lord Magtok|Inigo Montoya
Mustiado|Timeout
Neodan282|cd4
Reinholdt|Self
super dark33|calar[/table]

{table]The Sheriff's Men|Action
banjo1985|Self
bladescape|Fleeing Coward
calar|Self
cd4|Self
Elder Tsofu|Self
The Fiery Tower|Harnel
Grim ranger|Self
happyturtle|Reinholdt
Inigo Montoya|Dallas-Dakota
Lord Loss|Self
Moon Called|Lord Magtok
Murska|Self
PirateMonk|Eternis
Xanmyral|Lord Magtok
Zar Peter|Harnel[/table]

Players

Spoiler

Show

Merry Men (5/15)
Castaras - Maid Marian from Maid Marian's Merry Men
The Grimmace - Village idiot
Haruki-kun - Kid who is very upset Robin Hood isn't a fox
Mustiado - Little John
Reinholdt - Leaf of the ground

The Sheriff's Men (8/15)
bladescape - Bladesmaster who takes mercenary jobs to try out world cuisine
calar
cd4
Moon Called - Morgana le Fay
Murska - Fake Richard the Lionheart
PirateMonk - Lost crusader
Xanmyral - Acolyte
Zar Peter - Sheriff of Nottingham (as played by Severus Snape)

Please submit your actions for Round 2 before Wednesday, 18:00 GMT.

[Elder Tsofu]

That was one cunningly hidden beartrap.

[bladescape]

VERY cunningly hidden bear-trap!

And no, it's not made of uranium, it's made of Mithril!

[Grim ranger]

And so my journey ends, at the very first round. Well, I kinda expected that to happen.

[happyturtle]

Woo! Another first round death!

[Reinholdt]

Silly deer trying to eat vegetable matter. Don't they know it's all poison?

[Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins]

Aww, my fake regicide failed.

Oh man the bear trap.

[super dark33]

Not again!

[Neodan282]

I may of failed this time, but the anarcho-syndicalist commune shall rise again!

[The Bushranger]

That was a real bear of a narration.

[Halae]

I just find it hilarious that me and the bag of gold attacked each other

[Murska]

Anarcho-syndicalist ideals are really interesting actually.

[banjo1985]

The bear trap, it's cunningly hidden job done, clangs off into the forest smiling to itself. After all, it does have one heck of a shiny grin.

[Lord Herman]

Round 2 is now over. The narration will be up sometime tomorrow.

[happyturtle]

I hope all of you evil evil Merry Men enjoy some poison venison! Mwahahahaha!

[Lord Herman]

Round 2

Little John, Maid Marian and the village idiot have gone to Nottingham to find out what happened to Robin Hood. They are about to thoroughly inspect the tavern as they walk into the King of England, who is still trying to make his way to the castle. His entourage has now been joined by a lost crusader and a mercenary bladesmaster, who seem to be bickering about swords, and Morgana le Fay, who seems very confused and keeps asking about someone called Merlin.

"I tell you, it's made of the purest mithril, folded a thousand times and sharpened to a razor edge by the greatest swordsmith in all the land! It can even cut tomatoes!" "Ooo, let me try!" says the village idiot, snatching away the katana and twirling around with it, accidentally beheading the bladesmaster. "Oops," he says, "that wasn't a tomato!"

The lost crusader draws his sword, but Morgana le Fay stops him, saying, "Don't be a fool. Normal swords cannot possibly hope to stand against such tomato-cutting steel. Here, take this instead." She hands the crusader a golden-hilted sword, engraved with squiggly text and set with all manner of shiny stones. "Is this Excalibur?" asks the crusader, as he battles the village idiot. "Yes, it... oh crap, no, that's the Sword of Oink! Sorry, gave you the wrong one." As the crusader drives the sword through the village idiot's heart, there is a muffled oinking sound, and in a scene far to gory to describe on a family-friendly forum, a pig bursts from the village idiot's chest.

Meanwhile, Little John and Maid Marian wade into the fray. Marian sneaks up on Morgana le Fay, who is still distracted by the pig, and puts a bag over her head. There is a hissing sound, and Morgana discovers to her detriment that the bag contains an angry tomcat. Little John and Maid Marian try to make for the King to unmask him, but Sir Calar and Sir Cd4 head them off and lop off their heads.

Having finally reached the castle, the King is brought into the presence of the Sheriff of Nottingham. "Do you really expect me to believe you're the King?" "I do, Sheriff. Now bow before me or I'll have your head lopped off!" "You're not fooling anyone with that pathetic disguise. The King never even wears groucho glasses. Guards! Remove this impostor!"

After being tossed out into the street, the King looks around for a way to enact his revenge. He soon sees an opportunity sticking to a passing acolyte's boot; he recognises it as the leaf of the extemely poisonous Reinholdus Acutespleenfailurus plant. He follows the acolyte, and picks up the leaf as it falls off the man's boot. "Now to find the castle kitchens..."

Haruki-kun, having been recruited by the King himself to bring the Sheriff of Nottingham his dinner, knocks on the door of his chambers. The Sheriff takes a while to open the door, and unable to resist the delicious smell, the boy takes a sip of the soup. As soon as he swallows it, however, he falls over dead. Hearing the racket, the Sheriff opens the door and sees the dead kid lying in the hallway with a bowl of soup in his hands. "Can't these peasant children do anything right? Oh well, there's still some soup left." The Sheriff goes back into his room, has a delicious meal, and dies of acute spleen failure. The leaf floats to the surface of the soup, sees that its job is done, and submerges again to wait for another victim to present itself.

[Lord Herman]

Actions

Spoiler

Show

{table]Merry Men|Action
Castaras|Moon Called
The Grimmace|bladescape
Haruki-kun|Self
Mustiado|Timeout
Reinholdt|Zar Peter[/table]

{table]The Sheriff's Men|Action
bladescape|Air
calar|Mustiado
cd4|Castaras
Moon Called|The Grimmace
Murska|Air
PirateMonk|The Grimmace
Xanmyral|Air
Zar Peter|Air[/table]

Players

Spoiler

Show

Merry Men (1/15)
Reinholdt - Leaf on the ground

The Sheriff's Men (5/15)
calar
cd4
Murska - Fake Richard the Lionheart
PirateMonk - Lost crusader
Xanmyral - Acolyte

Please submit your actions for Round 3 before Saturday, 18:00 GMT.

[Reinholdt]

Geeze. o.O

[Elder Tsofu]

I do wonder if all those knights and the acolyte will be able to take out that leaf from the Sherwood forest. You mess with nature at your won peril.