Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Triscuitable]

Whether or not SHE is ready for communication, from your posts here, it is clear that YOU are not. Take care of YOURSELF. It's okay to need to be apart from someone for a while. Breakups are very nasty business, even the nice ones.

On the latter sentence, I can confirm that it'll rip your apart, even if the relationship was only for three days. Especially if the reasons are less than orthodox.

[Sturmcrow]

Well I wanted to forget her because I suspect that there will never be normal conversation between the pair of us. As wanting something that you can't have is a recipe for sadness.

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But you're right, I shouldn't press my luck.

Only now she could interpret my non-reply as "anger" for her being busy. And I wouldn't want that.



We broke up around a year ago, with occasional electronic contact in the meantime, that never ended the way I would have liked it.

Just because I don't know what to do, and could use some external experience to decide the best coerce of actions, I'm not ready?



Yes I've tried that, hasn't really worked so far.

Don't respond. Your best bet is to not email her back. Don't worry how she views it, go on with your life and focus on other stuff.

[DeadManSleeping]

Just because I don't know what to do, and could use some external experience to decide the best coerce of actions, I'm not ready?

If your reaction to doing something is "Oh, God, I shouldn't have done that thing", then you should not have done that thing and should probably avoid doing that thing.

Or, to be more specific, it's apparent that you're still agonizing over this, and that means you're probably not at a point where this contact is good for you. Maybe you never will be.

[Dvil]

Goddamn, I think I'm falling for someone. It's a nice warm feeling but I don't know if it's reciprocated, so lord only knows if this will end well. I hope so though.

[Serpentine]

Well... I think you've been doing the right things with her, anyways.

[Reluctance]

New rule for qbit, which should apply to anybody who gets the fool idea to rekindle things while they're still smarting from a split.

Thou shalt not contact the ex until thou hast had at least one intense fling since.

There's wisdom to the adage that the best way to get over someone is to get on top of someone. (Or under someone, depending on your inclinations.) Not to mention that, if you're the sort of person to get all torn up over this sort of thing, your ability to meet someone new is a built-in barometer of your ability to be levelheaded about the former crush.

[Triscuitable]

Thou shalt not contact the ex until thou hast had at least one intense fling since.

Unless:

a. You go to the same school.

b. You live in the same neighborhood.

c. Her best friend is your best friend.

d. All of the above. Which is my case, sadly.

[Ceric]

Unless:

a. You go to the same school.

b. You live in the same neighborhood.

c. Her best friend is your best friend.

d. All of the above. Which is my case, sadly.

Even that doesn't mean you're allowed to contact them, just that you're in for a world of pain until you have that long-overdue fling. At least minimize contact with them, then.

[Moonshadow]

Gee, you guys sure make it sound like it's easy to go out and find a random, meaningless fling.

[Cobra_Ikari]

Gee, you guys sure make it sound like it's easy to go out and find a random, meaningless fling.

...am I the only person who doesn't find meaningless flings enjoyable at all?

[Triscuitable]

...am I the only person who doesn't find meaningless flings enjoyable at all?

There's no love in it. I don't think that it's a good thing people have them.

[Nix Nihila]

There's no love in it. I don't think that it's a good thing people have them.

I don't see why it would be bad, as long as both parties are aware that it's not going anywhere, and are fine with that. After all, you don't need to be in love to enjoy sex.

[Triscuitable]

I don't see why it would be bad, as long as both parties are aware that it's not going anywhere, and are fine with that. After all, you don't need to be in love to enjoy sex.

I do. I need to put a lot of effort into a relationship before I'm willing to condescend to more "intimate" acts.

[arguskos]

...am I the only person who doesn't find meaningless flings enjoyable at all?

No you aren't, but it isn't as if they have no purpose whatsoever.

There's no love in it. I don't think that it's a good thing people have them.

That's where you appear to make a misconception. Because a fling is short-duration does not mean there are no feelings that enter into the equation. I've had a few in my day and none were without emotion, they simply were more focused on the physical.

Oh, and the implied moral judgment of "flings are bad and people should feel bad about them" is vaguely offensive. I'm pretty sure you didn't intend it, but I felt I might want to say something, just so you are aware of how that comment reads.

EDIT:

I do. I need to put a lot of effort into a relationship before I'm willing to condescend to more "intimate" acts.

"Condescend"? Yeah, dude, you might want to watch the judgment you seem to be throwing around here. Just a heads-up.

[Triscuitable]

"Condescend"? Yeah, dude, you might want to watch the judgment you seem to be throwing around here. Just a heads-up.

Did I use the wrong word again? I don't know what I meant.

"I need to be sure I'm ready" is more along the lines of what I was looking for.

[Nix Nihila]

I do. I need to put a lot of effort into a relationship before I'm willing to condescend to more "intimate" acts.

That's hardly a universal feeling, so I think that saying that it isn't good that people have them is rather uncalled for.

[Triscuitable]

That's hardly a universal feeling, so I think that saying that it isn't good that people have them is rather uncalled for.

It just seems wrong to me. I've never liked the act. I only ever cared about being with someone else whom I can call my equal.

[Nix Nihila]

It just seems wrong to me. I've never liked the act. I only ever cared about being with someone else whom I can call my equal.

That's totally fine. But some people do enjoy sex, and enjoy it even without being in love. I don't care that you don't want to have a fling, just don't say things like "I don't think that it's a good thing people have them."

[Ceric]

It just seems wrong to me. I've never liked the act. I only ever cared about being with someone else whom I can call my equal.

Er, might want to avoid implying that people in flings don't treat each other as equal. A fling is a short, casual relationship, nothing more or less.

[Triscuitable]

Er, might want to avoid implying that people in flings don't treat each other as equal. A fling is a short, casual relationship, nothing more or less.

I wasn't relating to flings there. I was referring to how I don't want anything more out of a relationship than being able to have a partner who I care about.

[Rawhide]

Only now she could interpret my non-reply as "anger" for her being busy. And I wouldn't want that.

I'm surprised that no one has suggested sending a polite response to thank her for the reply and to leave it in her court if she'd like to reschedule. That way she won't think you're angry.

[Reluctance]

Tris: Go watch Before Sunrise. (In fact, I suggest everybody here who hasn't seen it go watch it. It's a frickin' awesome movie. It's a romance, and cynical jaded me likes it. I can't think of higher praise.) There's implied sex, but mostly it's an intense emotional fling. Sometimes you can have intense emotions, without forever.

Which was kind of the point of the fling rule. Maybe you need another relationship proper. Maybe you just need a fresh face to fight off the oneitis. The idea being twofold; you want to have another person's worth of emotion to separate you from someone you're all caught up in and liable to make a fool of yourself with. Also, if you're still stuck and mooning over the last person, you'll be all sad-sack when trying to flirt with someone new. That in and of itself is probably proof that you're not ready to rationally sit down and try to reintroduce them to your life.

[noparlpf]

...am I the only person who doesn't find meaningless flings enjoyable at all?

*raises hand*

[Serpentine]

It just seems wrong to me. I've never liked the act. I only ever cared about being with someone else whom I can call my equal.

Then don't have one. But you don't get to decide that for everyone else. Other people have perfectly safe fun with other people outside of capital-R Relationships. If you don't want to, that's fine. I don't think anyone would advocate someone having sex when or in a way they don't want to. Conversely, you don't get to tell someone else* that they shouldn't be having sex when they do want to.

In the context of the aforementioned advice, I'm not even sure that a full-blown physical (or emotional-but-not-forever) interaction is necessarily necessary; just having intense feelings (e.g. a crush) for someone else, and perhaps the ability to take a step to do something about it and deal with it if rebuffed, could do the trick.


*leaving aside legal matters and truly moral issues e.g. STDs, safety, abuse, etc.

[noparlpf]

That's what I would prefer to do, but that doesn't necessarily make it the best course of action.

And I mention it here so I won't make the next mistake, but If I do send a message it'll be hard to just stop after a line or 2.

Is asking how she has been doing defeating the concept or is that "allowed"?

Leave it so a response is possible but not solicited. For example, end with, "I hope you're doing well."

[Serpentine]

A polite "okay, that's fine" or somesuch would be fine. "How have you been?" or similar is up to you. If you're still stressing about this, though, I'd probably leave it for a while, or go with noparlpf's suggestion.

[AtlanteanTroll]

That awkward moment where you senior citizen father can get a date and you can't.

[dehro]

That awkward moment where you senior citizen father can get a date and you can't.

I can beat that.
years ago I went to McDonalds with my sister and our twin brother and sister (they are twin of one-another and much younger than me and my other sister). as my 2 sisters go grab a table, me and little brother, who at the time was..about 8-9 years old, stand in the queue to place orders. finaly it's our turn and this quite attractive blonde asks us what we would like to order... I'm about to place the order and then she looks down and notices my little brother barely reacing the top of the counter...
and proceeds to greet him by name like they're old friends.

after a moment of catching my jaw from the floor, I place the order, and she scuttles off to grab our lunch... to which my little brother nonchalantly tells me that she was in charge of things when he was at a school-friend's birthday party there, a week earlier...which still doesn't explain how she knew and remembered his name out of all the kids that were there that day
I couldn't help noticing a few sniggers from the people behind me.
finally we get our stuff, I grab one tray, ask my brother if he's ok with carrying the tray with the fries.. he says yes and then proceeds to drop the whole thing on the floor.
in no time at all, the same girl who clearly had a soft spot for my little brother takes it upon herself to make him a new batch of fries and cleaning up the mess.

cue, more sniggering.

[Grinner]

That awkward moment where you senior citizen father can get a date and you can't.

That just means he's been playing the game longer than you.

[rogueboy]

Disclaimer: I'm just in a mood right now (not really a bad mood, maybe just an unconfident one? Probably related to being a bit tired), and none of this is likely to be affecting me in the morning, so no responses are necessary. If you want to respond anyway, don't let me stop you

Sigh, 7 messages sent on OKC, and not one reply. I realize it's not that uncommon, I just kind of wish I'd have gotten at least one reply, you know? At least the latest person I sent a message to visited my profile, at least a couple of the others haven't done that, so I guess that's something.

I know that OKC isn't a guarantee of anything, especially when I don't treat it as much more than a way to try something different from my past endeavors (which have all failed).

I just wish I knew whether there was something I was doing wrong, or if I've just been unlucky. My messages have been fairly short, calling out what I found interesting in their profile, answering any questions they may have posed to potential message-senders, and asking things I'm curious about (like what they're studying, for those who mention grad school).