Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

[Coidzor]

Blurgh. I have what may be officially the weirdest problem ever.

My girlfriend is too fun.

We don't get much time to hang out (a couple hours a week at the very most). Generally there's a meal involved, and then we spend some time absorbing media, and also spend a lot of time just shooting the HEY NOW. After a bit of that, she has to go home, and I don't get to see her again for over a week.

This might sound good, but I suppose I should make this abundantly clear: the activity schedule I outlined above doesn't leave any room for hanky panky. Not even the kind that's so tame that "hanky panky" is a completely appropriate phrase for it. So, yes, we have a good time together, but...

It's not like she's stopping me from doing anything. We just never get around to having quiet moments because there's always something else to do.

Blurgh.

I'm pretty sure that shooting the HEY NOW is an internationally recognized time as appropriate for initiating impromptu make-outs. I believe there's some general line or quotation one usually gives while putting one's arm around one's lover, but I'm pretty sure a kiss is nice and will suffice.

Plus, who knows, you may find that you're capable of actually having pillow talk. 2 birds 1 stone.

[Pepz]

Deadman, if you feel there's a need for quiet moments (to perhaps lead to inappropriately loud moment ) why not make your next meal together a real "dinner".

You know, the whole shebang, proper plate setting, candles, crappy piano music in the background. Afterwards, put the dishes away for cleaning later and just take the time to talk :). No absorbing of media, just the two of you (plus that crappy piano music :P). If all goes well she'll pick up the "cool, relaxed, Us-time"-vibe and you'll have a chance to be intimate (in whichever way you prefer, you hound )

[Coidzor]

No, no, crappy-ish Jazz! Because nothing says Sex like Sax!

[DeadManSleeping]

DeadMan, a few questions:

- Is this a temporary situation due to work/school schedules, or is this the standard?
- What are the other time restraints that are keeping you from spending more time together?
- Are there any changes you can see coming up that will enable you to spend more time together?

They're all kinda variations on the same question, granted...but still, it'll help get a little more insight into the situation.

She's doing extra school to finish her degree early, plus she has a part-time job. The situation is temporary, technically, in that it will end sometime, but that sometime is over a year from now. Basically, she's busy most hours of every day.

As far as the dinner suggestion...neither of us are terribly romantic people. Or terribly forward about romantic things (also part of the problem). On one hand, we agree on a lot of stuff, but on the other, we simply don't progress on the relationship-o-meter at a rate that humans would describe as "noticeable".

[Coidzor]

Well, in the name of nookie, sometimes you've got to set time aside especial and say something. It's just one of those relationship hurdles that has to be dealt with eventually.

[DeadManSleeping]

I have the perfect response to that advice (and, indeed, the perfect response for many people to much of the advice on this thread)

But it's haaaaaard...

[fizzybobnewt]

How does one start a conversation? Specifically, finding a topic, when none is obvious? I tend to draw a blank. See, I spent the last two years reading when I should have been learning things like this.

[Coidzor]

How does one start a conversation? Specifically, finding a topic, when none is obvious? I tend to draw a blank. See, I spent the last two years reading when I should have been learning things like this.

Depends on the context a lot of the time. Generally though, the weather, something physical that one noticed other than size of secondary sexual characteristics like clothing choice, events happening in the area such as a show that had just ended, books they have evidenced in their active possession, those are topics that have worked as icebreaker-ish things in the past for some people.

Hello is never an actively bad thing to have be the first thing to come out of your mouth.

I have the perfect response to that advice (and, indeed, the perfect response for many people to much of the advice on this thread)

But it's haaaaaard...

... ...


Good night everybody! *mwah!*

[rogueboy]

**** it! **** **** **** ****! **** IT!

What's my next move here playground? The girl I have a (significant and long-term) crush on, who I was hoping to ask out tonight if I got a chance, JUST met someone who she's going to go out with either tomorrow or Sunday. I happened to overhear her tell someone else this (a group of us went out for drinks before the undergrads return on Monday) before I had gotten even a hint of an opportunity (thankfully?). I can't even decide if I should say something now or just wait and see whether it turns into anything. She's one of my closest friends here, but I REALLY like her. I got a pit in my stomach when she mentioned this, and then again when it was brought up again (obviously, everyone else there is really excited for her - myself, I have mixed feelings: happy for her, but mad at myself for it not being me).

My current idea (with all of, possibly, 2 hours of not-actually-planning going into this) is that I should send her an email, opening with something along the lines of "you don't have to respond to this, and I'm not even sure if I want you to right now", plus trying to make it clear that... I don't even know. Maybe it's the fact that it's late... no, it isn't that. I just can't think straight right now. Maybe even at all? I don't know. I know I'll be more capable of dealing with this in the morning, I'm just going to have to get to a ponit where this isn't the only thing on my mind in order to get a reasonable chance of sleeping.

And now that I've just vented all over the more general advice part of the thread, I'll leave you to make of this rambling what you can. Anything's appreciated, as always.

**** IT! (I'm just pissed at myself, ignore the self-censored outbursts)

[Coidzor]

Eh. Hearsay. Put your offer on the table, and by that I mean just ask her out on a date.

You'll find out exactly where you rate in this woman's estimation and you'll also have a good chance to find out what kind of context that other date is extant in.

[Serpentine]

Soooo. I has a date :3
Jus' sayin'...

[RabbitHoleLost]

Soooo. I has a date :3
Jus' sayin'...

Ooo, Miss Serpentine, oooooooo.
Tell us. Spill all the juicy details.

[term1nally s1ck]

Snip.

NO. Do NOT do anything even close to as weak as that, unless you *want* her to consider you the biggest wuss on the planet.

Just ask her out. Do NOT do the big formal dinner and a movie, that's not a good first date for people who already know each other. An activity would be best.

[rogueboy]

Eh. Hearsay. Put your offer on the table, and by that I mean just ask her out on a date.

You'll find out exactly where you rate in this woman's estimation and you'll also have a good chance to find out what kind of context that other date is extant in.

Coid, what exactly are you defining as hearsay? Because to me, that typically means at least second-hand info, if not more distant. This was something that she said, explicitly. It was also discussed by a couple of other people (which could be defined as hearsay, except that they were talking to her about it...)

NO. Do NOT do anything even close to as weak as that, unless you *want* her to consider you the biggest wuss on the planet.

Just ask her out. Do NOT do the big formal dinner and a movie, that's not a good first date for people who already know each other. An activity would be best.

Even without your derision of that idea, it didn't seem like anywhere near as good an idea after a night's sleep. I think I was just upset and (as I said) not thinking clearly.

Now I just need to decide what that activity should be... And probably fairly soon, since I'm thinking I should ask before her possible dinner with him tonight.

edit: Oh, and Serp, do tell! Guess it was my turn to be all ME! and ignore someone else's posts. (who's next? anyone?)
edited to actually use proper english

[Asta Kask]

Soooo. I has a date :3
Jus' sayin'...

I thought you had a Boyfriend?

Is the date with your Boyfriend?

[Rawhide]

I thought you had a Boyfriend?

Broke up cuz leaving and not in love and stuff.

Is the date with your Boyfriend?

Guuuuuuuuuys.
If you've read my diary-whatsit, you might remember I talk about someone called Sinta. One of her friends, who works on the beach, gave me a lift home on his bike the other night. He's pretty cute, and has a weirdly ocker accent
Apparently he was asking where I was and was asking Sinta for my number XD
Aside from being supes flattering, and this being a general "eeeeeeee someones interested in me! " thing... GAAAAAWWWWWD so awkward >.< Srsly. Words cannot express how awkward I'll be.
Just... Awkwardness. So much.

edit: Alright, few more specifics on the sources of awkwardness.
1. I'm no good at talking with non-geeks, and cute as he is I've been realising I'm even not terribly attracted to such people (even purely lustily! :O).
2. I struggle with language differences and accents :/ Although the accent's not so much of an issue in this case...

. . .

[Serpentine]

Terima kasih, Rawhide

Ooo, Miss Serpentine, oooooooo.
Tell us. Spill all the juicy details.

We had dinner and talked and then we rode around on his motorbike :B

Didn't need to worry about awkwardness. The guy can talk... Not always about happy stuff :/ Apparently like 3 years ago his basically-fiancee of 6 years died in a car accident

[Asta Kask]

So your job was to sit still, keep silent and be pretty.

You're really only suited to the third...

[Delusion]

Terima kasih, Rawhide We had dinner and talked and then we rode around on his motorbike :B

Didn't need to worry about awkwardness. The guy can talk... Not always about happy stuff :/ Apparently like 3 years ago his basically-fiancee of 6 years died in a car accident

I really really should not say this but...

..Did he you tell you that before, or after you rode around on his motorbike?


...

[rogueboy]

We had dinner and talked and then we rode around on his motorbike :B

Didn't need to worry about awkwardness. The guy can talk... Not always about happy stuff :/ Apparently like 3 years ago his basically-fiancee of 6 years died in a car accident

Sounds like it went well, especially the lack of awkwardness part. Not really sure what to make of the not-all-happy part, but I guess I don't really have to know? I'm just rambling, but I'm happy for you!

---------------

As to finishing up (well, ok, not-so-finishing... continuing) from my last few posts...

I sent her a fairly long (~3 long paragraphs, plus a few one-sentencers) email explaining myself. Not the ideal way to do it, I know, and I mentioned that (twice, maybe, throughout the entire email), but it's the best I could trust myself to do at the moment. Not only because I felt sick to my stomach whenever I thought about it (mostly because I may be too late), but also because I've tried for a long time to get around to asking her out, and failed every time, even when there was no good reason. This guaranteed me getting it out there, at the least.

She hasn't responded in any way, and I haven't seen her since I sent it (about an hour, hour-and-a-half ago), so I'm not sure if she's seen it yet. However, she's been on her computer a lot today (she's working on a presentation, based on last night's conversation), so she may have seen it.

I guess I'm just in a wait-and-see mode on that for the moment... If I haven't heard from her, I may bring it up on Monday. God I'm pathetic... (ok, only sometimes, but still).

[Coidzor]

Coid, what exactly are you defining as hearsay? Because to me, that typically means at least second-hand info, if not more distant. This was something that she said, explicitly. It was also discussed by a couple of other people (which could be defined as hearsay, except that they were talking to her about it...)

Ah, misread it. Comes from posting while passing out, I suppose.

Still, it doesn't seem like she revealed anything other than a date and possibly being excited about it.

So the rest of the point still stands. Err, stood? Honestly not sure what's left to you now that you've done that...

You really ought not to have sent an email that's got any chance of being interpreted as a wall of text.

[rogueboy]

So the rest of the point still stands. Err, stood? Honestly not sure what's left to you now that you've done that...

You really ought not to have sent an email that's got any chance of being interpreted as a wall of text.

Possibly not, but what's done is done. I'm hoping that she'll see the latter... enormous majority as being what I intended it as: why now? I got to my point within about 2 sentences, so hopefully I stand a chance.

[Coidzor]

Possibly not, but what's done is done. I'm hoping that she'll see the latter... enormous majority as being what I intended it as: why now? I got to my point within about 2 sentences, so hopefully I stand a chance.

Why what now?

[rogueboy]

Why what now?

Why I'm asking now, as opposed to any time in the past. I'm a crazy person, I know this (as do all of my friends, including her).

[Coidzor]

Why I'm asking now, as opposed to any time in the past. I'm a crazy person, I know this (as do all of my friends, including her).

You're... coming across rather garbled.

I very much doubt that she's interested in why you chose now to tell her of your interest and it's not really at the heart of the matter anyway.

That you're interested in her is.

Really, that kind of thing being asked of you by her would be rather rude and a bit of a pointless question. So I don't really see the point in needlessly volunteering that information up when your priority was expressing interest without making any more of an ass of yourself than necessary.

[rogueboy]

You're... coming across rather garbled.

I very much doubt that she's interested in why you chose now to tell her of your interest and it's not really at the heart of the matter anyway.

That you're interested in her is.

Really, that kind of thing being asked of you by her would be rather rude and a bit of a pointless question. So I don't really see the point in needlessly volunteering that information up when your priority was expressing interest without making any more of an ass of yourself than necessary.

As you've pointed out, I may have had a mild case of diarrhea of the keyboard in that email, and it probably wasn't all necessary. It is, however, how I think, talk, and otherwise communicate most of the time. One of my many, many faults, and honestly not one that's particularly high on my "fix this!" list, at least for the moment (I have enough other things that are more damaging).

However, I did go back and look at the email I sent (previous posts have been off of my memory of the email, not actually looking at it). In terms of wall-of-text issues, it'll obviously depend on what is defined as wall of text, but it isn't nearly as bad as I had implied earlier. It's 5 blocks of text (plus my name), 4 of which are only 2-3 sentences (2 lines, at least on my screen). The remaining (second) paragraph is longer: 6 lines, probably no more than 12 sentences or so, varying in length from short (~5 words) to long (maybe 15 words?). I haven't counted words in sentences, or sentences in the long paragraph.

Also, I think I was less garbled in the email than I have been in my last couple posts, but I haven't gone through it to check that (and I'm not going to, for a lot of reasons). The last post or 2 I haven't really put any thought into the words for, so a lack of clarity or sense isn't entirely surprising. Sadly, I'm just not in a mood (or maybe I'm just hungry, idk) to do much in the way of thinking about wording.

[Serpentine]

So your job was to sit still, keep silent and be pretty.

You're really only suited to the third...

I really really should not say this but...

..Did he you tell you that before, or after you rode around on his motorbike?


...

Heh. Before, and he had nothing to do with it - he was in Bali at the time, and the accident happened in Java.

[Asta Kask]

Sorry.

[Serpentine]

Glad to hear it

[Zeb The Troll]

Glad to hear it

I think the point he was trying to make was that you don't seem to be the type to just sit down and shut up, not that you're only good at being pretty, though I could see how it might be interpreted that way.