LGBTAitP Part 23: Et tu, ~Bianca?

[Lea Plath]

OK everyone, you know what this means.

We send Lil_Shiro and his boyfriend, and Heliomance and their girlfriend on a double date. See if we can get cute squared.

[Asta Kask]

Spoiler

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So far as I know, the suicide isn't directly LGBTA*-related, but you're the most supportive people around, so I figured I'd share...and there's sorta kinda an LGBTA* connection for me personally. Like I said, he was one of the happiest people I know. I've been slowly coming out to my friends at college and the reactions have been mostly positive, and I've been thanking my lucky stars that I don't have it as bad as all the kids who have committed suicide due to bullying, rejection, etc., but I've still sort of been in a funk every time I told someone and they didn't react well (which, thankfully, has been rare). I figured I could tough it out, and sure I've been losing sleep and stuff but that's just because of final projects, right? And then out of the blue the person I thought absolutely least likely to even consider suicide does it without any warning--no note, friends didn't see anything coming, nothing--and, well, it's really ****ing depressing, you know?

I've learned to hide my feelings very well and it's in fact something a struggle to show them - because I know it hurts people I care about to see me depressed. And it's not unusual for people to relax and feel a sense of serenity once you've made the decision to commit suicide. The final decision has been made. There's no more indecision.

Spoiler

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Like, if he can just snap like that, how do I know I won't go off the deep end? I still haven't come out to my parents (much less mentioned the boyfriend ) and with the stress and anxiety and lack of sleep and everything else I don't know (A) how well I can maintain the façade for the folks between graduation and when I move across the country and don't have to really worry about the fallout and (B) how well I'd be able to take a bad reaction from either or both of them. I mean, I would never ever ever ever consider suicide myself, so far as I consciously believe, as I'm one of those people who'd love to download myself into a robot body and live forever and see the universe, I believe even a sucky life is much better than the alternative, etc. etc. etc., but such is the stuff nightmares are made of.

I will be brutally honest here. You can't. What you can do is look out for the symptoms. Are you losing interest in activities you normally find pleasurable? Are you blue for most or all of the day, with no relief? Are you beginning to fantasize about how much better it was if you were dead? When you begin to have feelings and fantasies like these, it's time to hit the brakes. I'm not saying that these symptoms are the only ones you have to look out for, but if you have them, call the hospital and tell them to make a bed ready.

*hug*

[Castaras]

OK everyone, you know what this means.

We send Lil_Shiro and his boyfriend, and Heliomance and their girlfriend on a double date. See if we can get cute squared.

You know not what you suggest.

The magnitude of adorableness would destroy the fabric of the universe!

[Lea Plath]

You know not what you suggest.

The magnitude of adorableness would destroy the fabric of the universe!

Then me and Golly could sweep in to mop up any remaining humans with comahugs! >:D

[Mina Kobold]

Sorry for the abrupt change of topic, but I could use some support at the moment. It's been a really bad week.

Spoiler

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Last week, one of my friends from high school (I'm a college senior right now) committed suicide. We weren't extremely close--he was 3 years below me and I met him because he was in my sister's grade, so we kept in touch but didn't chat on a regular basis--but he was one of the happiest people I know and it really came as a shock. The worst part of it was that the news traveled via Facebook, and though our mutual friends and my sister all know that I don't really use Facebook, no one thought to tell me about it until the following weekend, so any chance I had of making plans to head home for the memorial service and such is gone thanks to that delay.

So far as I know, the suicide isn't directly LGBTA*-related, but you're the most supportive people around, so I figured I'd share...and there's sorta kinda an LGBTA* connection for me personally. Like I said, he was one of the happiest people I know. I've been slowly coming out to my friends at college and the reactions have been mostly positive, and I've been thanking my lucky stars that I don't have it as bad as all the kids who have committed suicide due to bullying, rejection, etc., but I've still sort of been in a funk every time I told someone and they didn't react well (which, thankfully, has been rare). I figured I could tough it out, and sure I've been losing sleep and stuff but that's just because of final projects, right? And then out of the blue the person I thought absolutely least likely to even consider suicide does it without any warning--no note, friends didn't see anything coming, nothing--and, well, it's really ****ing depressing, you know?

Like, if he can just snap like that, how do I know I won't go off the deep end? I still haven't come out to my parents (much less mentioned the boyfriend ) and with the stress and anxiety and lack of sleep and everything else I don't know (A) how well I can maintain the façade for the folks between graduation and when I move across the country and don't have to really worry about the fallout and (B) how well I'd be able to take a bad reaction from either or both of them. I mean, I would never ever ever ever consider suicide myself, so far as I consciously believe, as I'm one of those people who'd love to download myself into a robot body and live forever and see the universe, I believe even a sucky life is much better than the alternative, etc. etc. etc., but such is the stuff nightmares are made of.

I've actually already had a nightmare or two: since this friend shares the same first name with my best friend in all the world who's practically a brother to me who's been having some family issues of his own, when my sister called and said "Hey [Dice], did you hear? [First name] committed suicide..." I experienced a few moments of absolute gut-wrenching, heart-stopping terror before she explained the situation, and those few moments came back to haunt me one particularly restless night.

So...yeah. Motivation to finish final projects is shot, haven't slept in two days, feeling depressed, life sucks right now.



EDIT: WHAT THE ***ITY **** ****ING ****!!



HIS FACEBOOK PAGE IS GONE! THE FACEBOOK PAGE WHERE EVERYONE WAS POSTING MEMORIES! THE FACEBOOK PAGE KEEPING EVERYONE UP TO DATE ON THE CEREMONY FOR HIM HAPPENING AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL AFTER GRADUATION! THE FACEBOOK PAGE WHICH, ACCORDING TO MY SISTER, WAS GOING TO STAY UP THROUGH THE CEREMONY TO COLLECT THOSE MEMORIES! GONE IN A ****ING EYEBLINK! ALL THE PICTURES, ALL THE STORIES, VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE OR A BY-YOUR-LEAVE!

That damn well better have been due to his family deleting it after saving all the info and just not getting the news around, and not because of some glitch or some "well-meaning" employee who saw the news story or some bull**** like that.

NOT COOL, FACEBOOK, NOT ***ING COOL.

*Hug*

That is one of the most horrible things one can experience. Losing something that seemed fundamental and stable can cause severe crises from sorrow and sadness. Please do seek a therapist or other help if you can, it would only get worse if it ends up hurting your life too. ;_;

I hope the Facebook page can be regained, have you tried the Wayback Machine and others like it? They are pages that can give you a copy of a webpage as it appeared at an earlier date. I don't know if it will work, but it might be worth a try.

[SiuiS]

Is their any overwelming fellings of bilss? Any sights of unicorns due to mind overload *Studys cafuly*

I'm a sign of bliss overload? :O

Sorry for the abrupt change of topic, but I could use some support at the moment. It's been a really bad week.

Spoiler

Show

Last week, one of my friends from high school (I'm a college senior right now) committed suicide. We weren't extremely close--he was 3 years below me and I met him because he was in my sister's grade, so we kept in touch but didn't chat on a regular basis--but he was one of the happiest people I know and it really came as a shock. The worst part of it was that the news traveled via Facebook, and though our mutual friends and my sister all know that I don't really use Facebook, no one thought to tell me about it until the following weekend, so any chance I had of making plans to head home for the memorial service and such is gone thanks to that delay.

So far as I know, the suicide isn't directly LGBTA*-related, but you're the most supportive people around, so I figured I'd share...and there's sorta kinda an LGBTA* connection for me personally. Like I said, he was one of the happiest people I know. I've been slowly coming out to my friends at college and the reactions have been mostly positive, and I've been thanking my lucky stars that I don't have it as bad as all the kids who have committed suicide due to bullying, rejection, etc., but I've still sort of been in a funk every time I told someone and they didn't react well (which, thankfully, has been rare). I figured I could tough it out, and sure I've been losing sleep and stuff but that's just because of final projects, right? And then out of the blue the person I thought absolutely least likely to even consider suicide does it without any warning--no note, friends didn't see anything coming, nothing--and, well, it's really ****ing depressing, you know?

Like, if he can just snap like that, how do I know I won't go off the deep end? I still haven't come out to my parents (much less mentioned the boyfriend ) and with the stress and anxiety and lack of sleep and everything else I don't know (A) how well I can maintain the façade for the folks between graduation and when I move across the country and don't have to really worry about the fallout and (B) how well I'd be able to take a bad reaction from either or both of them. I mean, I would never ever ever ever consider suicide myself, so far as I consciously believe, as I'm one of those people who'd love to download myself into a robot body and live forever and see the universe, I believe even a sucky life is much better than the alternative, etc. etc. etc., but such is the stuff nightmares are made of.

I've actually already had a nightmare or two: since this friend shares the same first name with my best friend in all the world who's practically a brother to me who's been having some family issues of his own, when my sister called and said "Hey [Dice], did you hear? [First name] committed suicide..." I experienced a few moments of absolute gut-wrenching, heart-stopping terror before she explained the situation, and those few moments came back to haunt me one particularly restless night.

So...yeah. Motivation to finish final projects is shot, haven't slept in two days, feeling depressed, life sucks right now.



EDIT: WHAT THE ***ITY **** ****ING ****!!



HIS FACEBOOK PAGE IS GONE! THE FACEBOOK PAGE WHERE EVERYONE WAS POSTING MEMORIES! THE FACEBOOK PAGE KEEPING EVERYONE UP TO DATE ON THE CEREMONY FOR HIM HAPPENING AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL AFTER GRADUATION! THE FACEBOOK PAGE WHICH, ACCORDING TO MY SISTER, WAS GOING TO STAY UP THROUGH THE CEREMONY TO COLLECT THOSE MEMORIES! GONE IN A ****ING EYEBLINK! ALL THE PICTURES, ALL THE STORIES, VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE OR A BY-YOUR-LEAVE!

That damn well better have been due to his family deleting it after saving all the info and just not getting the news around, and not because of some glitch or some "well-meaning" employee who saw the news story or some bull**** like that.

NOT COOL, FACEBOOK, NOT ***ING COOL.

Crikey.
I'm sorry friend. That's terrible. I hope we can at least you through it.

I see a bunch of people need hugs here.
Good thing my avatar I have a bunch of arms!
Don't move, I'm just gonna hug you all at once.
*HUGS*

Your avatar continues to make me spontaneously smile.
Hmm. I'm gonna have to go lookup those peacock spiders again.

That sounds terrible. *hugs*

All this talk about PMS makes me feel incredibly lucky to only have one painful day a month (close to crippling without pain killers, but completely gone with them - my body must take them well).

The conclusion about the emotional aspect leaves me puzzled, though. You're saying it's complete bull? I'm just confused because I've been having a strong, emotional reaction the day before my period - without fail - for the last couple of years. I'm notoriously unorganised, so it can't even be because it's expected. I just have a day where I break down crying over the smallest things, and then the next day my period comes, and I'm like "oh, so that's why!"
Guess I'm just a freak of science, then

I know plenty of folks who do that, who lack uteruses entirely, so it's likely not related to biological sex. Or at least, not completely.

You know not what you suggest.

The magnitude of adorableness would destroy the fabric of the universe!

pfffft. We haven't destroyed reality yet!
And quite frankly, I could use some successes on my villain resume. The number of failures inflicting BSOD on reality is troubling. It's harshin' my rep.

-

That pain scale is weird. It seems rather conservative, buy prioritizing physical trauma that shuts down the body. That's not painful though! Nausea is more inhibiting, but definitely hurts less (on its own).
According to this scale;
Being stabbed in an extremity is a 4.5
Breaking a bone is a 1
Getting hit by a machete is a 2
Being struck in the head by a hammer is a 6
Withdrawal from severe caffeine addiction is a 9

That is all sorts of counterintuitive.

[Arachu]

I've tried it, but it made me gain a lot of weight that I never could properly lose, and unless I'm much mistaken it increases my chances of breast cancer, which are already higher than I feel comfortable with.

... And they didn't even do anything about the pain.

*Hugs*

Is their any overwelming fellings of bilss? Any sights of unicorns due to mind overload *Studys cafuly*

There's a warm, fuzzy feeling where I used to think~

Oi, PMS...

I am one of the few unlucky ones that start suffering from it due to HRT.
I can say that I wish that no MtF get to go through it. It's AWFUL.

For obvious reasons I don't suffer from the bleeding, but everything else is there, every 21 to 28 days.

*Hugs*

Sorry for the abrupt change of topic, but I could use some support at the moment. It's been a really bad week.

Spoiler

Show

Last week, one of my friends from high school (I'm a college senior right now) committed suicide. We weren't extremely close--he was 3 years below me and I met him because he was in my sister's grade, so we kept in touch but didn't chat on a regular basis--but he was one of the happiest people I know and it really came as a shock. The worst part of it was that the news traveled via Facebook, and though our mutual friends and my sister all know that I don't really use Facebook, no one thought to tell me about it until the following weekend, so any chance I had of making plans to head home for the memorial service and such is gone thanks to that delay.

So far as I know, the suicide isn't directly LGBTA*-related, but you're the most supportive people around, so I figured I'd share...and there's sorta kinda an LGBTA* connection for me personally. Like I said, he was one of the happiest people I know. I've been slowly coming out to my friends at college and the reactions have been mostly positive, and I've been thanking my lucky stars that I don't have it as bad as all the kids who have committed suicide due to bullying, rejection, etc., but I've still sort of been in a funk every time I told someone and they didn't react well (which, thankfully, has been rare). I figured I could tough it out, and sure I've been losing sleep and stuff but that's just because of final projects, right? And then out of the blue the person I thought absolutely least likely to even consider suicide does it without any warning--no note, friends didn't see anything coming, nothing--and, well, it's really ****ing depressing, you know?

Like, if he can just snap like that, how do I know I won't go off the deep end? I still haven't come out to my parents (much less mentioned the boyfriend ) and with the stress and anxiety and lack of sleep and everything else I don't know (A) how well I can maintain the façade for the folks between graduation and when I move across the country and don't have to really worry about the fallout and (B) how well I'd be able to take a bad reaction from either or both of them. I mean, I would never ever ever ever consider suicide myself, so far as I consciously believe, as I'm one of those people who'd love to download myself into a robot body and live forever and see the universe, I believe even a sucky life is much better than the alternative, etc. etc. etc., but such is the stuff nightmares are made of.

I've actually already had a nightmare or two: since this friend shares the same first name with my best friend in all the world who's practically a brother to me who's been having some family issues of his own, when my sister called and said "Hey [Dice], did you hear? [First name] committed suicide..." I experienced a few moments of absolute gut-wrenching, heart-stopping terror before she explained the situation, and those few moments came back to haunt me one particularly restless night.

So...yeah. Motivation to finish final projects is shot, haven't slept in two days, feeling depressed, life sucks right now.



EDIT: WHAT THE ***ITY **** ****ING ****!!



HIS FACEBOOK PAGE IS GONE! THE FACEBOOK PAGE WHERE EVERYONE WAS POSTING MEMORIES! THE FACEBOOK PAGE KEEPING EVERYONE UP TO DATE ON THE CEREMONY FOR HIM HAPPENING AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL AFTER GRADUATION! THE FACEBOOK PAGE WHICH, ACCORDING TO MY SISTER, WAS GOING TO STAY UP THROUGH THE CEREMONY TO COLLECT THOSE MEMORIES! GONE IN A ****ING EYEBLINK! ALL THE PICTURES, ALL THE STORIES, VANISHED WITHOUT A TRACE OR A BY-YOUR-LEAVE!

That damn well better have been due to his family deleting it after saving all the info and just not getting the news around, and not because of some glitch or some "well-meaning" employee who saw the news story or some bull**** like that.

NOT COOL, FACEBOOK, NOT ***ING COOL.

*So many hugs* :<

So G called me her girlfriend today. There are no words adequate to describing the strength of the happies this gave me.

^_^

[Glass Mouse]

I know plenty of folks who do that, who lack uteruses entirely, so it's likely not related to biological sex. Or at least, not completely.

Really? Like clockwork?

I remember reading somewhere that men go through their own cycles as well... so it might still be related to hormones somehow? I honestly know very little about this.

[SiuiS]

Really? Like clockwork?

I remember reading somewhere that men go through their own cycles as well... so it might still be related to hormones somehow? I honestly know very little about this.

EDIT: I assumed you were being rhetorical XD
Not quite clockwork, but that's attributed to self control. The folks in question experience mood swings, but "can usually handld if unless my will has recently been eroded."

I honestly don't know. I'm saying I don't think its PMS but my line of thinking is "both sides being equally likely, in choosing the one which feels correct to me".

Kind of like child birth. The scale rated it as RED and on the top of the chart, but I have had a small number of women in good health tell me birthing is irritating but not crippling. Everyone who disagrees with them has been terribly out of shape, malnourished, and prone to panic and over exaggeration. So in my head, when someone says birth is hard, I call them a sissy. I can only hope being award of this bias mitigates its effects. But I am indeed, biased. And as, sadly, I don't have access to the equipment to find out (organic or otherwise) I'll have to take your word on it.

Clockwork does make a convincing case however, and I'd be the worst kind of hypocrite if I dismissed heuristic evidence.

-

Finally read Asta's linked article on mcdonalds, and have a tangent that I think is relevant. It may not be, I can take or elsewhere, but I honestly want to know;

Natalie said she kept quiet out of fear of a beating.
If you live a lifestyle where this is an honest fear why don't you take steps to mitigate it? Pepper spray. Martial arts. Dial 911 on your cell before beginning retaliation (the police show up awful fast if the get an emergency call and can't really hear anything).

I will be the first to admit that violence is bad. But I enjoy a sense of sovereignty. Being insulted and doing nothing is fine. Being insulted and being unable to do anything and carrying that sense of fear and shame with you is not. Why would you ever forsake your right to be prepared for a situation and live in fear? You don't have to attack someone, but bring able to avoid getting curbstomped if someone else starts it should be a good idea, shouldn't it?

[KenderWizard]

Sorry for the abrupt change of topic, but I could use some support at the moment. It's been a really bad week.

We're here for you, and so are your other friends, from the sound of it. It sounds like it would be really helpful for you to talk about these things with people; with a therapist and with your friends and family. The fact that you're so upset about the facebook page coming down suggests to me that you need a connection with your friend who died, you don't have closure yet, which is so normal and so right when something like this happens.

As other people have said, a lot of depressed people are really really good at hiding it. He didn't just snap, he was suffering from a bad illness for a long time, and he died of it.

I would say try to see a therapist of some kind (your college probably has counsellors you can talk to if you can't afford to go private) and keep in touch with mutual friends of your friend who died. I hope you can get to that memorial you said was being organised through the facebook page, that would be a good way to get a chance to say goodbye to your friend. You could also write him a letter or go to his grave to talk to him.

On the topic of the facebook page, as I understand it, facebook doesn't delete information for ages, so it's still there somewhere. I also believe they follow the instructions of the person's family, so that sounds like the most likely thing. Stay connected and stay safe.

That sounds terrible. *hugs*

All this talk about PMS makes me feel incredibly lucky to only have one painful day a month (close to crippling without pain killers, but completely gone with them - my body must take them well).

The conclusion about the emotional aspect leaves me puzzled, though. You're saying it's complete bull? I'm just confused because I've been having a strong, emotional reaction the day before my period - without fail - for the last couple of years. I'm notoriously unorganised, so it can't even be because it's expected. I just have a day where I break down crying over the smallest things, and then the next day my period comes, and I'm like "oh, so that's why!"
Guess I'm just a freak of science, then

Oh, it could easily be that you do have a hormonal ebb and flow that affects your mood, I imagine some people do. But that doesn't mean that you're being "irrational and crazy" and that you can be disregarded because you're incapacitated by your womb. (Or you might be expecting it subconsciously!)

Spoiler

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Since you're my official goddess on all things feminist and womanly, I'm gonna look into this. Thanks for the recommendation

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I don't think I've been anyone's official goddess on a subject before. I'm incredibly flattered!

There are lots of good options for reusable menstrual products. I think the main barrier for most people is the "yuck, blood!" factor, but you kind of have to deal with that anyway, it's not like it's highly toxic or anything.

Anyway! If you're interested, here's a good place to start! It's a review of different reusable menstrual products on a good blog, run by parents who are generally into attachment/gentle parenting (breastfeeding, cloth nappies, babywearing etc) and this article is written by Lauren, who has her own blog called Hobo Mama which is also really good.

Two responses--see bolded bits.

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1. When you said it "lives" in a little cotton bag I squirmed a bit because for a second I imagined it was a living thing that you're sticking in your vagina. And obviously I know it's not because I've heard of these before, and it's silicone, and stuff, but imaginations are weird.
2. Is it weird that the first adjective I thought of there was "cute"? Because you are. I find it adorable when somebody is really excited about something. Even if that something happens to be menstrual hygiene.

I use "live" for everything! Also "broken".
Examples:
The pots live in the cupboard.
The professor lives in the office at the top of the stairs.
I should find a better place for my diaries to live, this shelf is too small.
And
The milk is broken. (We have run out of milk)
The milk is broken. (My milk has become too warm for me to enjoy drinking it)
The milk is broken. (The milk has passed its expiry date)
... Okay, there are better systems. But I like this one!

Also, I'm glad you find my enthusiasm for menstrual products cute rather than, say, disturbing!

So G called me her girlfriend today. There are no words adequate to describing the strength of the happies this gave me.

That's so great!

Really? Like clockwork?

I remember reading somewhere that men go through their own cycles as well... so it might still be related to hormones somehow? I honestly know very little about this.

Yes, cis men also have hormonal cycles. It's less obvious, because, y'know ... no blood everywhere!

[pffh]

Really? Like clockwork?

I remember reading somewhere that men go through their own cycles as well... so it might still be related to hormones somehow? I honestly know very little about this.

The male cycle is much shorter then the female one or 24 hours compared to their four week one.

Now as for men PMS-ing it sometimes happens that men imitate their partners (pregnancy being a more famous case) so it is quite possible for some men to experience something similar around the same time as their partner or former partner did.

[Lix Lorn]

You know not what you suggest.

The magnitude of adorableness would destroy the fabric of the universe!

Totally.
Worth it.

I use "live" for everything! Also "broken".
Examples:
The pots live in the cupboard.
The professor lives in the office at the top of the stairs.
I should find a better place for my diaries to live, this shelf is too small.
And
The milk is broken. (We have run out of milk)
The milk is broken. (My milk has become too warm for me to enjoy drinking it)
The milk is broken. (The milk has passed its expiry date)
... Okay, there are better systems. But I like this one!

'Bible's broken... contradictions, false logistics... doesn't make sense.'

[Reluctance]

Finally read Asta's linked article on mcdonalds, and have a tangent that I think is relevant. It may not be, I can take or elsewhere, but I honestly want to know;

Natalie said she kept quiet out of fear of a beating.
If you live a lifestyle where this is an honest fear why don't you take steps to mitigate it? Pepper spray. Martial arts. Dial 911 on your cell before beginning retaliation (the police show up awful fast if the get an emergency call and can't really hear anything).

I will be the first to admit that violence is bad. But I enjoy a sense of sovereignty. Being insulted and doing nothing is fine. Being insulted and being unable to do anything and carrying that sense of fear and shame with you is not. Why would you ever forsake your right to be prepared for a situation and live in fear? You don't have to attack someone, but bring able to avoid getting curbstomped if someone else starts it should be a good idea, shouldn't it?

The police also tend to get awfully ticked if they get called and a nonevent happens. As much as I'd like to see a case like this progress to ... well, news, Florida, political stuff, shoe on the other foot sort of thing.

The other things to keep in mind, even if you're a martial arts badass (which takes years of training and constant effort to keep one's skills polished, a significant opportunity cost that's often glossed over in discussions) is the plethora of complicating factors. Maybe the harasser is armed and things escalate to where there's no good answer. If I had to pick one of being harassed, being shot, doing prison time, or listening to ignorant yahoos for fifteen minutes, the last is the least objectionable option. Getting caught on camera beating some "innocent bystanders" is a PR nightmare as well as a personal one; courts again tend to frown on that sort of escalation, and getting a sympathetic judge is a crapshoot. And even in the simplest of situations, numbers are important, and you never know who will jump in on the other guy's side.

[PairO'Dice Lost]

Thanks to everyone for the hugs and support.

*manifests metamorphosis, grows tons of arms, hugs everyone back*

Re: counseling: Like I said, I don't have time in my schedule right now for an appointment (my college's counseling center is already booked around finals time, for obvious reasons, and I have class during the walk-in times), but it's on my to-do list. My friends are being very helpful and supportive as well, so I'm not doing this entirely alone--sister plus boyfriend plus best friend is just as good as, if not better than, having a therapist right now--and of course I have you guys too.

Re: hiding depression: I certainly understand being able to conceal that sort of thing, and Asta's insight on that is appreciated. Heck, every single person I've come out to has been completely floored and said they never saw it coming, and I wasn't even trying particularly hard to hide anything, so obviously someone who actually tried to hide depression could do a damn good job. It's just, y'know, you'd think one of his friends or one of his family members, or the girlfriend he spent a lot of time with would have noticed something amiss. I suppose it's precisely that easy conceal-ability that concerns me; do that a lot, and you enter self-deception territory, and then....

Re: Facebook page and memorial: I may have overreacted a teensy bit, probably as a reaction to the suddenness of the whole thing. "Wham, lost your friend, here's some pictures and memories; blam, pictures and memories are gone, sucks to be you." I tried the Wayback machine, but it doesn't have anything more recent than the announcement of his passing, so none of the additional material is there. I'll keep trying over the next few days, see if they get something, and I'll check with my friends to see if they know anything about it. The memorial service and funeral already passed, but the summer ceremony I'll definitely be able to get to, so that's a weight off my chest for the time being.

Thanks once again for the well wishes, everyone. It really means a lot.

[Selpharia]

-

Finally read Asta's linked article on mcdonalds, and have a tangent that I think is relevant. It may not be, I can take or elsewhere, but I honestly want to know;

Natalie said she kept quiet out of fear of a beating.
If you live a lifestyle where this is an honest fear why don't you take steps to mitigate it? Pepper spray. Martial arts. Dial 911 on your cell before beginning retaliation (the police show up awful fast if the get an emergency call and can't really hear anything).

I will be the first to admit that violence is bad. But I enjoy a sense of sovereignty. Being insulted and doing nothing is fine. Being insulted and being unable to do anything and carrying that sense of fear and shame with you is not. Why would you ever forsake your right to be prepared for a situation and live in fear? You don't have to attack someone, but bring able to avoid getting curbstomped if someone else starts it should be a good idea, shouldn't it?

Seems to me that, while martial arts training and having an emergency call ready might be good ideas, one might run into a problem where attempting to fight might make the situation worse. Bigoted jerks are unpleasant normally, but if they've suffered harm at your hands, I can't see that improving their disposition. Even if you "win in the end, I would guess that it would be hard to totally escape harm. Plus, there's a large gulf between being theoretically capable of those things and actually being able to use them in an actual situation.

But then again, I've always preferred the option of fleeing or at least trying to talk my way out of these kinds of things, since I don't really have many other options.

EDIT:

I've learned to hide my feelings very well and it's in fact something a struggle to show them - because I know it hurts people I care about to see me depressed. And it's not unusual for people to relax and feel a sense of serenity once you've made the decision to commit suicide. The final decision has been made. There's no more indecision.

This I can agree with from personal experience. Also, when life seems increasingly miserable, pointless, and meaningless, the times with friends can be relatively happier than normal, simply because being with them drowns out the constant chant of hopelessness that one's mind starts singing to itself at that point in depression. This makes it even harder for people to notice, because you'll only see a happy, contented person.

[Kindablue]

Finally read Asta's linked article on mcdonalds, and have a tangent that I think is relevant. It may not be, I can take or elsewhere, but I honestly want to know;

Natalie said she kept quiet out of fear of a beating.
If you live a lifestyle where this is an honest fear why don't you take steps to mitigate it? Pepper spray. Martial arts. Dial 911 on your cell before beginning retaliation (the police show up awful fast if the get an emergency call and can't really hear anything).

I will be the first to admit that violence is bad. But I enjoy a sense of sovereignty. Being insulted and doing nothing is fine. Being insulted and being unable to do anything and carrying that sense of fear and shame with you is not. Why would you ever forsake your right to be prepared for a situation and live in fear? You don't have to attack someone, but bring able to avoid getting curbstomped if someone else starts it should be a good idea, shouldn't it?

See:

And we aren’t in the position of being able to hide in our homes, either. Only leaving, via teleporter, to get to our therapy, doctor and endocrinologist appointments, our pharmacy, and the laser clinic (which is funnier when considering the fact that I was on my way to my therapy appointment). And even IF SO, even IF we hide ourselves as much as conceivably possible from the world, never dare exposing ourselves to anyone we’re not 100% certain will be accepting (or end up devoting an immense degree of time, energy and resources into maintaining deep stealth), it’s STILL an inevitability. We STILL will eventually, someday, face this kind of hatred. It doesn’t ****ing matter if it’s in McDonald’s or in Whole Foods. A yuppie neighbourhood isn’t going to protect you.

People, all people, should do everything they can to avoid being a victim. The best they can isn't always good enough, though, and sometimes no matter what measures they take, they can't avoid the situation.

[Glass Mouse]

Re: periods

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EDIT: I assumed you were being rhetorical XD
Not quite clockwork, but that's attributed to self control. The folks in question experience mood swings, but "can usually handld if unless my will has recently been eroded."

I honestly don't know. I'm saying I don't think its PMS but my line of thinking is "both sides being equally likely, in choosing the one which feels correct to me".

Kind of like child birth. The scale rated it as RED and on the top of the chart, but I have had a small number of women in good health tell me birthing is irritating but not crippling. Everyone who disagrees with them has been terribly out of shape, malnourished, and prone to panic and over exaggeration. So in my head, when someone says birth is hard, I call them a sissy. I can only hope being award of this bias mitigates its effects. But I am indeed, biased. And as, sadly, I don't have access to the equipment to find out (organic or otherwise) I'll have to take your word on it.

Clockwork does make a convincing case however, and I'd be the worst kind of hypocrite if I dismissed heuristic evidence.

Heh. That's why we have no idea how to measure pain. Everyone experiences it differently - we can see how much brain activity certain pains cause, but we have no idea how the individual perceives it.

(also, as Bluewind pointed out, it's not really PMS either way, considering PMS is a medical condition)

Oh, it could easily be that you do have a hormonal ebb and flow that affects your mood, I imagine some people do. But that doesn't mean that you're being "irrational and crazy" and that you can be disregarded because you're incapacitated by your womb. (Or you might be expecting it subconsciously!)

Oh, absolutely (on the "irrational and crazy" thing)! I hate it when that somehow follows.

In a weird way, I've come to appreciate the emotional ebb, actually. Everything that feels wrong on that day is something that actually bothers me in some way. Since I'm notoriously bad at feeling my own emotions, it's nice to have a day when they come a-knocking so I can deal with them once my head's cleared.

I also won't discard the idea that my subconscious may know. It's probably smarter than I am

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I don't think I've been anyone's official goddess on a subject before. I'm incredibly flattered!

There are lots of good options for reusable menstrual products. I think the main barrier for most people is the "yuck, blood!" factor, but you kind of have to deal with that anyway, it's not like it's highly toxic or anything.

Anyway! If you're interested, here's a good place to start! It's a review of different reusable menstrual products on a good blog, run by parents who are generally into attachment/gentle parenting (breastfeeding, cloth nappies, babywearing etc) and this article is written by Lauren, who has her own blog called Hobo Mama which is also really good.

Really? I'd think you'd get that a lot

Thanks for the link! Now I just need to overcome my initial "eww, kids!" reaction, haha.

The male cycle is much shorter then the female one or 24 hours compared to their four week one.

Now as for men PMS-ing it sometimes happens that men imitate their partners (pregnancy being a more famous case) so it is quite possible for some men to experience something similar around the same time as their partner or former partner did.

Interesting. Thanks.

[SiuiS]

The police also tend to get awfully ticked if they get called and a nonevent happens. As much as I'd like to see a case like this progress to ... well, news, Florida, political stuff, shoe on the other foot sort of thing.

The other things to keep in mind, even if you're a martial arts badass (which takes years of training and constant effort to keep one's skills polished, a significant opportunity cost that's often glossed over in discussions) is the plethora of complicating factors. Maybe the harasser is armed and things escalate to where there's no good answer. If I had to pick one of being harassed, being shot, doing prison time, or listening to ignorant yahoos for fifteen minutes, the last is the least objectionable option. Getting caught on camera beating some "innocent bystanders" is a PR nightmare as well as a personal one; courts again tend to frown on that sort of escalation, and getting a sympathetic judge is a crapshoot. And even in the simplest of situations, numbers are important, and you never know who will jump in on the other guy's side.

You misunderstand. I'm not saying "why don't you become a trams Bruce Lee and stand triumphant over their cooling bodies with nary a scratch", because that's Unfeasible, and a waste of resources. I'm also not advocating being "proactive" with violence.

I am saying that if being attacked is a regular expectation in your life, the difference between getting hit, falling down and being hospitalized versus getting hit, backing off and getting away is worth looking into. Knowing how to get hit and not immediately crumple requires 3-5 class sessions and approximately ten hours a month, well in line with any exercise regime.

Know your local laws. Would the fact that they spent ten minutes verbally assaulting you and obviously building up to a hate crime mitigate the trouble the police would get you in? Would being stuck between physical impediments and cornered by men who have made it clear they would use excessive force allow for pre-emptive self defense? Would every witness who stood by while you were brutalized be accountable if the offense reached felony level?

I understand knowing the situation and choosing passivity. I do not understand lethal violence being so heavy a possibility, and not looking into fixes.

People, all people, should do everything they can to avoid being a victim. The best they can isn't always good enough, though, and sometimes no matter what measures they take, they can't avoid the situation.

My point is that it seems people acknowledge they may/will be a victim... A d stop there. They dont try to stop it. They accept it. This baffles me.

[noparlpf]

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I don't think I've been anyone's official goddess on a subject before. I'm incredibly flattered!

There are lots of good options for reusable menstrual products. I think the main barrier for most people is the "yuck, blood!" factor, but you kind of have to deal with that anyway, it's not like it's highly toxic or anything.

Anyway! If you're interested, here's a good place to start! It's a review of different reusable menstrual products on a good blog, run by parents who are generally into attachment/gentle parenting (breastfeeding, cloth nappies, babywearing etc) and this article is written by Lauren, who has her own blog called Hobo Mama which is also really good.

A friend just looked over (we're marathoning Sherlock season two, but I watched it a couple of months back) and saw me looking at that page. Amusing comments ensued.

I use "live" for everything! Also "broken".
Examples:
The pots live in the cupboard.
The professor lives in the office at the top of the stairs.
I should find a better place for my diaries to live, this shelf is too small.
And
The milk is broken. (We have run out of milk)
The milk is broken. (My milk has become too warm for me to enjoy drinking it)
The milk is broken. (The milk has passed its expiry date)
... Okay, there are better systems. But I like this one!

Also, I'm glad you find my enthusiasm for menstrual products cute rather than, say, disturbing!

Have I told you recently how adorable you are?

Yes, cis men also have hormonal cycles. It's less obvious, because, y'know ... no blood everywhere!

I dunno whose hormonal cycles you're talking about. Of course, it's not my blood, but it's still blood and it gets everywhere.
(Not really, my self-control is better than that. But I consider it sometimes. <.<
The one "fight" I've been in was my little brother getting mad at me and giving me my very first bloody nose a few months back. And that was my blood.)

[Qaera]

A friend just looked over (we're marathoning Sherlock season two, but I watched it a couple of months back) and saw me looking at that page. Amusing comments ensued.

HOWWWW I have season one on Netflix but not two?

Once again, I'm playing a female character in DnD. :S only cause everyone else is playing a male... I unno.

~ ♅

[Asta Kask]

The police also tend to get awfully ticked if they get called and a nonevent happens. As much as I'd like to see a case like this progress to ... well, news, Florida, political stuff, shoe on the other foot sort of thing.

Apparently the police don't always think their mandate includes protecting trans people...

[Selpharia]

Apparently the police don't always think their mandate includes protecting trans people...

Oh, I'm sure they just "consider the individual factors of each potential situation very carefully before deciding how to intervene"

[Reluctance]

HOWWWW I have season one on Netflix but not two?

Once again, I'm playing a female character in DnD. :S only cause everyone else is playing a male... I unno.

~ ♅

Netflix is usually behind the times even in the best of cases. A quick search on Amazon shows that the DVDs can be imported (S2 already ran in the UK), or it can be acquired by less than legal means. Since S hasn't run in the U.S. I don't think there's any legal streaming.

Apparently the police don't always think their mandate includes protecting trans people...

What I find interesting is that when a trans person is present, people's attitudes and arguments seem to take a complete 180 from their usual position. I'll PM you a case from a few years back that had interesting parallels to the reactions rape cases usually elicit from people, as well as the rather political case I'm wondering how peoples reactions would change if a trans person were involved.

[SiuiS]

What I find interesting is that when a trans person is present, people's attitudes and arguments seem to take a complete 180 from their usual position. I'll PM you a case from a few years back that had interesting parallels to the reactions rape cases usually elicit from people, as well as the rather political case I'm wondering how peoples reactions would change if a trans person were involved.

I would be interested as well, but better sent via email. PMs are under the same rules as the rest of the forum technically.

[Triscuitable]

Tonight was very fun. I don't really know how to put it.

[Reluctance]

I think mentioning news stories is one of those places where the overarching rules of "don't be a jerk" and "don't do anything that could get the site in legal hot water" take precedence over "before you post this, ask yourself if one of our 30,000 users might have reason to take offense with it". Private messages allowing people more room to step back without bystanders taking the fight up for themselves.

[Caustic Soda]

Hey everyone. I'm kinda busy ATM, even if I don't have 11 exams coming up next week, but I thought I'd just drop in to offer support.

@Pair o'Dice Lost: Oh ouch. I feel that I can't really express my sympathy all that well, so I'll just give you two hugs to emphasize it *hugs* *hugs* . At least you have supportive people around you

@bluewind95, SMEE: you get hugs too, while I'm at it. have plenty of sucess with coping, please *hugs*

@Heliomance: on a happier note, that is very sweet of G, and very seet reaction on your side, too. COngratulations

[KenderWizard]

On trans people and self-protection:
I'm sure this isn't what SiuiS means, but I'd just like to make the point that expecting a trans woman to take steps to be constantly able to defend herself from violence is stepping pretty close to putting the onus on trans people to avoid or deal with the hate crime, rather than on the ignorant transmisogynists to, y'know, not do it. We all deal with risks in our own way, depending on our own personal level of comfort. I'm not saying taking basic self defense classes is a bad idea - I think it's a good idea for anyone who feel unsafe and who wants to take some control. But it's a personal choice and she shouldn't have to.

Oh, absolutely (on the "irrational and crazy" thing)! I hate it when that somehow follows.

In a weird way, I've come to appreciate the emotional ebb, actually. Everything that feels wrong on that day is something that actually bothers me in some way. Since I'm notoriously bad at feeling my own emotions, it's nice to have a day when they come a-knocking so I can deal with them once my head's cleared.

I also won't discard the idea that my subconscious may know. It's probably smarter than I am

That's really interesting. Maybe you've come to rely on it as a day to process things so your body keeps doing it.

I need no such day. I have a little known superpower, they call me Emotional Rollercoaster Woman! I experience emotions very strongly, and can't really hide them very well. I mean, I can hide mild boredom as someone tells me a story, but if their story upset me or amused me, it would be really obvious. I can laugh for 10 minutes straight, with later afterlaughs, some of which can be close to the magnitude of the original laughquake. I can cry for an hour straight, and I can't stop crying until I'm finished. It's completely ridiculous.

Really? I'd think you'd get that a lot

Thanks for the link! Now I just need to overcome my initial "eww, kids!" reaction, haha.

Nope! Surprisingly enough, most people don't really want me to tell them all about periods.

Don't worry, that page is kid-free. The blog also covers other things relevant to their interests!

A friend just looked over (we're marathoning Sherlock season two, but I watched it a couple of months back) and saw me looking at that page. Amusing comments ensued.

Oopsie!

Have I told you recently how adorable you are?

Uh, yes, yesterday!

[Asta Kask]

Finally read Asta's linked article on mcdonalds, and have a tangent that I think is relevant. It may not be, I can take or elsewhere, but I honestly want to know;

Natalie said she kept quiet out of fear of a beating.
If you live a lifestyle where this is an honest fear why don't you take steps to mitigate it? Pepper spray. Martial arts. Dial 911 on your cell before beginning retaliation (the police show up awful fast if the get an emergency call and can't really hear anything).

I think pepper spray and martial arts cost money which she doesn't have. She's on a fairly limited budget as it is.

[AuroraF]

Hi there. How do I set an avatar?