Personal Woes and Advice 2

[Pyromancer999]

Some strong girl role models I can remember from books I read as a kid:

-Cam Jansen
-Junie B.
-Nancy Drew

Granted, only the first two are little girls, and are all detectives, but are good examples of young girls who get scared, but pull through and manage to persevere and do what they came to do.

May or may not help.

[Coidzor]

Anyone have any experience in depression with young children?

Sadly no. Sounds heartbreaking. It reminds me of something my ex-fiance, who suffered from GAD near as we could figure, said about her childhood where she was so scared of bad things happening to those she cared about that she put herself through horrible worry spells thinking of all of the bad things that could possibly happen so that they wouldn't happen.

PS, Doc said she needs more "strong little girl" role models. Anyone have any recommendations for books that either she can read or that we can read to her with strong/brave female protagonists? Something at or around the 7th grade reading level? She's a good reader, for a 7 year old, but she is still just a 7 year old.

Modern My Little Pony, maybe? If she was a bit older, I'd say the Tiffany Aching set from Discworld, or at least the first two, Wee Free Men, and Hat Full of Sky, but those are more 12-13 or so, as I recall.

Serpentine was compiling a list over on Media Discussion of books and/or media with good role models for girls between about 7 to 14 or so.

[WarKitty]

Maybe this is silly, but...what do you do when all you can think of is that you want to fix your memories? Nothing's going to make up for what was lost. No matter how much new you build, it always feels like there's a hole, like you're missing important parts of your life.

[Keld Denar]

Actually, just got word from the Doc that it is more likely to be anxiety than depression related. So...everything I said, just with anxiety instead of depression. Again, I have very little experience with anxiety personally, so anything could help. Just trying to relate better.

I think her triggers are mostly leaving the house and going to sleep. Unfortunately, we can't just avoid the triggers, so I'd assume we have to find some way to work past it. Usually, once we get past the "leaving" stage, she is fine, but she tends to work herself up prior to that.

Anecdote: We took her and her brother to a chocolate factory for a tour. On the tour, they give you chocolate to sample. LOTS of chocolate. This child LOVES chocolate, but she nearly had a total meltdown when we told her that we were going there. She just wanted to go to the park and play, which we had planned to do AFTER. She was quite adamant that she didn't want to go to the chocolate factory at all, though. Once we got her there, she had a good time, smiled the whole way, and ate close to her body weight in free samples. This is just one example. Her reactions to these triggers are WAY out of line with what a typical 6-7 year old should, and it is nearly every time. If it was rare, or if it wasn't to this magnitude, I'd chalk it up to a 7 year old being a 7 year old, but it is more than that. And the Doc agrees.

[Sholos]

Maybe this is silly, but...what do you do when all you can think of is that you want to fix your memories? Nothing's going to make up for what was lost. No matter how much new you build, it always feels like there's a hole, like you're missing important parts of your life.

I think I know how you feel. I have next to no memories of my childhood. I have vague memories of the places I lived, but there's nothing really to them. Just, like, what the places looked like. My memories of things that happened are very short and far between. So when I hear someone else recounting some great story about their childhood, I feel almost robbed that I can't do the same. As for how to fix it? No idea. But you have my sympathies.

[WarKitty]

I think I know how you feel. I have next to no memories of my childhood. I have vague memories of the places I lived, but there's nothing really to them. Just, like, what the places looked like. My memories of things that happened are very short and far between. So when I hear someone else recounting some great story about their childhood, I feel almost robbed that I can't do the same. As for how to fix it? No idea. But you have my sympathies.

It's not just that...I have quite clear memories. It's just that I have quite clear memories of a lot of the normal happy moments being quite painful. And I just feel cheated, like there's something gone from my life that I can never get back and that will never be healed.

[Chen]

It's not just that...I have quite clear memories. It's just that I have quite clear memories of a lot of the normal happy moments being quite painful. And I just feel cheated, like there's something gone from my life that I can never get back and that will never be healed.

You remember the happy moments being painful? I'm having trouble parsing what you're saying here.

[WarKitty]

You remember the happy moments being painful? I'm having trouble parsing what you're saying here.

I remember the sort of moments that most people remember as good, happy times as being painful for me. E.g. my college graduation week - most people remember that as a fun happy exciting time, but all I remember is that I couldn't go to anything and I was always watching my back because someone made accusations and I wasn't being believed.

[Galileo]

Keld - That definitely sounds like anxiety to me. I've been dealing with anxiety most of my life, and I almost always panic before doing something new, and then usually enjoy it a lot. Doesn't get any easier even knowing that, though.
For books, maybe Coraline? Could be too scary, but she's definitely a strong protagonist. I'll go bug some librarians and hopefully come back with some more suggestions.

[Taffimai]

PS, Doc said she needs more "strong little girl" role models. Anyone have any recommendations for books that either she can read or that we can read to her with strong/brave female protagonists? Something at or around the 1st grade reading level? She's a good reader, for a 7 year old, but she is still just a 7 year old.

I cannot find any information on them, but a series of books about the daughter of a vet was published under the name Virginia Vail. First book in the series is titled "Pets are for Keeps". I read those with great love when I was only slightly older than your daughter - perhaps 8 - but in dutch translation. I have no idea whether you would still find them nowadays.

Another author with a lot of female protagonists is Enyd Blython - or at least, all the books my mother had were about girls I have never read the books, but I loved Pipi Longstockings on television. She might not be the best rolemodel though, but that's up to you.

As for your daughter, my money is on "something happened that she doesn't know how to express", possibly being bullied or witnessing other children being cruel to a third party. Don't worry about not being able to empathise, it doesn't make you any less of a good parent. Just practice a lot of patience and perhaps work out a way for you and your partner to get "time off" so you don't deplete your own reserves and get grumpy.

[Castaras]

I remember the sort of moments that most people remember as good, happy times as being painful for me. E.g. my college graduation week - most people remember that as a fun happy exciting time, but all I remember is that I couldn't go to anything and I was always watching my back because someone made accusations and I wasn't being believed.

Bout the same for me with regards school. Not sure how to help you, I have quite a large percentage of bad memories which most people think of as awesome (end of terms, end of years, end of year celebrations... blech) but I don't care enough about them for it to affect me. My life now is better than then, so it doesn't matter to me so much.

[Chen]

I remember the sort of moments that most people remember as good, happy times as being painful for me. E.g. my college graduation week - most people remember that as a fun happy exciting time, but all I remember is that I couldn't go to anything and I was always watching my back because someone made accusations and I wasn't being believed.

Ah gotcha. Back to your original statement then of "No matter how much new you build, it always feels like there's a hole, like you're missing important parts of your life", there's no real need it has to be that way. Everyone goes through bad/difficult times in their lives. I've always found the best way around that actually IS to focus on building new, better memories.

[The Succubus]

Having something to look back on helps. Having something to look forward to helps even more.

[INoKnowNames]

Part of me wanted to gussy up this post with as many links to Tvtropes as I could think of, but I realized that would take too long... and would be a bit silly, actually.

Another idea was to post this in the welcome back section, or the new members section as my first official hello, since I immediately jumped into roleplaying games, but this forum is probably better since I don't think we actually -have- a welcome back section, and this post will be about all the problems that have kept me offline, so this section of the forum will probably be more appropriate.

Since this post would probably be too big for a signature, linking an entire post to it is probably the best thing I can do to try to excuse myself for being gone. Context: any of the people who I was in game with probably hate me for being a rotten little slime sucking deserter, and I can't honestly blame them for it. I had 5 games I was in, 2 games I was to join, and 1 game I was outright dming that was -1- post away from being in it's first combat. And then *poof*: I disappear for about 2-3 months. I'd like to at least explain why I was gone.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So let's get my bull **** excuses out of the way.

First, my old laptop, which I did all of my school work and gaming on, not to mention had all my books on it, decided it had enough of me abusing it. The battery started leaking acid on me, the motherboard started sparking, and the power cord started melting. Using it stopped being an option. It took me a day and some 2nd degree burns, but I managed to extract all of the info I needed from the hard drive.

Protip: If you have something that's got electronics in it that may be about to have a nuclear melt-down, don't put it near your crotch. -SOMEPEOPLE- don't get the message until it's almost too late, and those people deserve a Darwin Award. Including people like me.

I've decided to go ahead and burn some money from my savings to purchase a new laptop. I don't like doing too many things on my backup computer, which is barely configured to even be able to go online, and has not a drop of viral protection on it. (Note to self: Fix That). I get on my way to Microcenter to get the replacement.

Cue Car Accident. Long story short, I'm hospitalized with some broken bones in my feet and hands. This not only ****s up my recreation, but also my work and my school stuff. I've been gone trying to heal, then trying to get back into my normal life. Everything has -sucked-.

You know what else happened that sucked? Mom knew I wanted a laptop, and I gave her permission to use my money to purchase one for me when I started doing better but couldn't be assed enough to go out myself. She got one for me. It has Windows 8 on it. -.-

Seriously, I'd sooner break both of my feet than deal with Windows 8 on a Laptop/Desktop, at least without mods to make it more like Windows 7.

I can't stress this enough; Windows 8 on an actual computer sucks about as badly as broken bones.

Additionally, I worked my butt off trying to lose weight by the end of last year, and even met my goal, despite Thanksgiving -and- Christmas. I gained back 15 lbs just being celibate in the hospital. I've genuinely thought about not eating, or throwing up what I eat, try to to cheat and lose the weight again. But I know that that isn't healthy.

Then again, neither is being a fatty. Fatty-Fatty-Mc.-Fat-Fat. I hate my love handles...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And I realize I'm starting to ramble, so I think I'll summarize my plight and hope those that associated with me before would at least see where I'm coming from and accept my sorry for disappearing on them:

1: Almost died in a Car Accident; paying back parents (my idea) for replacement car has been a priority.

2: Hospitalized for about a month. Hospital bills for the family (again, I'm trying to help) sucked.

3: Missing Work sucks too. Even minimum wage helps pay for car, hospital, and computer bills. Though Minimum Wage sucks.

4: Missing School sucks, too. I'm actually all made up now, but it wasn't easy. I think I'll take next semester off.

5: My old laptop committed suicide on me, and it wasn't easy to get the data transferred safely. Worse, it was transferred to a computer using Windows 8.

Bonus: I'm an obese fat slob who wants to stop looking like a freaking hippopotamus.

I'm sorry for being gone for so long, guys. I know some of you actually had a use for me being around. And I know that I failed in my obligations. I may be better now, but that doesn't make up for the several month long absence. And I don't expect you to forgive me. Though I would like it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

In terms of woes not related to that, such as that I would normally post in this thread, the only other things pressing are:

*continued stress toward my brother and his girlfriend, who regularly fight, moving out together (and me possibly joining them)

*trying to get a new job since minimum wage does -not-, as has been recently proven, provide enough to live on

*trying to lose enough weight to get under 200 lbs. by the end of the year in my continued attempt to improve myself

*and trying to maintain healthy relationships with everyone close to me despite only 24 hours in a day:

-Best Friend (whom is having some moving troubles of her own)

-Church Friend (whom I desperately wish we could be something more than, but am satisfied with being elated whenever I hear from her, for now)

-Mother (who is being massively stressed out by things going on with her children and such)

-Birth Mother (who can't wait to see me one day this year, and who I've fully warmed up to myself)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think that covers everything going on with me at the moment. Now, to figure out how to link to this post for my signature... HAHA! I did it! I built it! Hopefully, they will come....

Looking back, that's a whooper of a post!

[The Succubus]

For what it's worth, I'm glad you're back and I did miss you. ^_^

Yeah, hospital food hasn't exactly done wonders for my waistline either but the thing you've overlooked is that although you've put 15lb back on, in order to do so, you must have lost 15lb originally. And what was done once can be done again with determination.

I would politely ask though that you avoid car crashes in future though. I like my INKN's intact please.

[INoKnowNames]

Yeah, hospital food hasn't exactly done wonders for my waistline either but the thing you've overlooked is that although you've put 15lb back on, in order to do so, you must have lost 15lb originally. And what was done once can be done again with determination.

I just hate having to make up for lost time with that! I know I'm a bitch for complaining about 1st World Issues, but I was pretty much done! And working out on a foot that just finished being broken is the last thing that's on my mind...

For what it's worth, I'm glad you're back and I did miss you. ^_^

I would politely ask though that you avoid car crashes in future though. I like my INKN's intact please.

I love this forum. All sorts of good people are here.

[Negativethac0]

Actually, just got word from the Doc that it is more likely to be anxiety than depression related. So...everything I said, just with anxiety instead of depression. Again, I have very little experience with anxiety personally, so anything could help. Just trying to relate better.

I think her triggers are mostly leaving the house and going to sleep. Unfortunately, we can't just avoid the triggers, so I'd assume we have to find some way to work past it. Usually, once we get past the "leaving" stage, she is fine, but she tends to work herself up prior to that.

Anecdote: We took her and her brother to a chocolate factory for a tour. On the tour, they give you chocolate to sample. LOTS of chocolate. This child LOVES chocolate, but she nearly had a total meltdown when we told her that we were going there. She just wanted to go to the park and play, which we had planned to do AFTER. She was quite adamant that she didn't want to go to the chocolate factory at all, though. Once we got her there, she had a good time, smiled the whole way, and ate close to her body weight in free samples. This is just one example. Her reactions to these triggers are WAY out of line with what a typical 6-7 year old should, and it is nearly every time. If it was rare, or if it wasn't to this magnitude, I'd chalk it up to a 7 year old being a 7 year old, but it is more than that. And the Doc agrees.

I've only worked in the adult psychiatry, as a clinical psychologist, but I have a lot of experience with anxiety and this definately sounds like it. In response to both your posts, I must say I'm sad about your and her situation, but it sounds like you're doing the best you can to work things out.
It's always tricky with anxiety, as it involves more than just social factors. It's certainly possible, as Taffimai points out, that something happened that she just doesn't know how to express. In that case it seems hard to do much than show your support and let her understand you're there to listen. But from between the lines, I get the impression you do a great job in this regard.

I'd also like to recommend you for being persistent. I understand it takes up a lot of energy, but from a clinical standpoint, that you still went to the chocolate factory was a good thing, in my opinion. Not only did you prove that nothing bad happened (thus, disproving her 'bad feeling'/anxiety), you also refused to give in beforehand.
Anxiety works on several levels and can be reinforced on either. By complying with the 'bad feeling' beforehand can be an implicit way of empowering it and thus make the next time harder. Also, if the good results aren't pointed out after a succesful event, the point might get diminished. It doesn't have to be a huge analysis, just talking about how fun it was and that nothing bad happened after all and how well she did can help. A lot of people explain that one of the worst parts about anxiety is the overpowering effect it has, so nurturing a feeling of being in control over it can work wonders.

It's strange, but I was also going to recommend Pipi Longstockings, like Tiffimai. They are great books and pretty much present a girl whose look on life is "I haven't tried that before. I bet I'll be good at it!". I'll try and keep an eye out for other options as well.

I'm not sure whether you can use that much of what I say, and it's hard when the information is limited. I just want to add that in my eyes you're doing and trying the best you can, and that is a huge step in itself.
Sadly, her other environment with her father might be a continous risk factor, but with the work you're doing it sounds like she definately has some protective elements as well. Just remember, as someone else pointed out, not to burn out entirely.

Truly best of wishes!

[WarKitty]

Ok, this is a small thing, but - would it be too rude of me to buy my roommate a nice pair of earplugs and give them to her? We're both locked into the contract and I am seriously tired of having her complain about being woken up by me making noise.

[Coidzor]

Ok, this is a small thing, but - would it be too rude of me to buy my roommate a nice pair of earplugs and give them to her? We're both locked into the contract and I am seriously tired of having her complain about being woken up by me making noise.

Usually, yeah, especially if you haven't confirmed that she isn't already using earplugs.

[WarKitty]

Usually, yeah, especially if you haven't confirmed that she isn't already using earplugs.

I haven't been able to get a coherent answer out of her on that regard. And even if she does - I just have a really hard time believing that so much gets through a decent pair of earplugs. If she has some, they must be incredibly bad if she's still waking up all the time.

[Coidzor]

I haven't been able to get a coherent answer out of her on that regard. And even if she does - I just have a really hard time believing that so much gets through a decent pair of earplugs. If she has some, they must be incredibly bad if she's still waking up all the time.

I've known some people who, despite having pretty good earplugs in, can't sleep if there's someone else in the same room even if that other person is already asleep and doesn't snore or is in an adjacent room and awake. Sometimes it's about sensitive hearing, sometimes it's due to people being extra sensitive to the physical vibrations of the floors, walls, and ceiling.

Never was able to really surprise either of the lovers I shared a bed longterm with, come to think of it, as even when I was quiet or slipped out of bed without jostling them, coming back towards the bed they'd always be able to guess my timing even when I tried to deliberately fake them out and they were trying to get back to sleep. Granted, one of them was an extremely light sleeper, to the point where she had to get a solo dorm room because a suite was too much for her and it was only after a good bit of practice before we started sharing a bed that she'd be able to fall asleep after I dozed off.

Granted, there's only so much variety in the ear plugs that can be readily acquired and the less easily acquired stuff is better.

[WarKitty]

I've known some people who, despite having pretty good earplugs in, can't sleep if there's someone else in the same room even if that other person is already asleep and doesn't snore or is in an adjacent room and awake. Sometimes it's about sensitive hearing, sometimes it's due to people being extra sensitive to the physical vibrations of the floors, walls, and ceiling.

Never was able to really surprise either of the lovers I shared a bed longterm with, come to think of it, as even when I was quiet or slipped out of bed without jostling them, coming back towards the bed they'd always be able to guess my timing even when I tried to deliberately fake them out and they were trying to get back to sleep. Granted, one of them was an extremely light sleeper, to the point where she had to get a solo dorm room because a suite was too much for her and it was only after a good bit of practice before we started sharing a bed that she'd be able to fall asleep after I dozed off.

Granted, there's only so much variety in the ear plugs that can be readily acquired and the less easily acquired stuff is better.

It could be. The problem is, fundamentally, I'm tired of being complained at and having to justify my own schedule to her. At this point the only options she'd be happy with are either (1) change my sleep schedule to match hers, or (2) not do anything at all that might possibly make noise after midnight. I don't think either of those are reasonable to expect me to do, especially as I also have sleep issues that make getting to bed early difficult.

[Chen]

It could be. The problem is, fundamentally, I'm tired of being complained at and having to justify my own schedule to her. At this point the only options she'd be happy with are either (1) change my sleep schedule to match hers, or (2) not do anything at all that might possibly make noise after midnight. I don't think either of those are reasonable to expect me to do, especially as I also have sleep issues that make getting to bed early difficult.

The first is generally not reasonable to expect. The second generally would be considered reasonable clearly depending on your definition of "no noise". Now if it goes to extremes as in any minor noise its probably too much. But making sure the TV is not loud enough to play into the room, no music playing (use headphones), no banging around pots/pans/plates in the kitchen are all pretty reasonable. Not walking around is probably not reasonable, though if you're in an old building with creaky floors, avoiding too much walking around once a roommate is asleep is probably not asking too much.

Just giving them earplugs is pretty rude. Some people cannot sleep well with earplugs in. Personally I can but I know my GF cannot.

[rogueboy]

Combination venting and actual problem... spoilered for length.

Spoiler

Show

I've just about lost all motivation to work on completing my Master's work, which should be doable by the end of this semester (early May), with possibly needing a few weeks into the summer for paperwork-type reasons. I *should* be able to keep myself going for that much longer, but I've been more focused on when I'll be done than what I need to do to be done, and considerations of whether I'd really rather just be done at the end of the semester (I'm teaching, so I have to keep doing that, at least), have been growing stronger and stronger of late. Most recent example of that was that I got a result that may well mean I need to go back and redo my entire project (~2 weeks, if I'm efficient) in order to actually have what I need to get it done.

For reference: I'm in my 3rd year of grad school, having decided last summer to switch from PhD to MS track. I realized a few months ago that while I love chemistry, I would be completely happy if I wasn't working in a lab (the only part of chem work that keeps me interested). Since then, I can't help but wonder what I'd really gain by continuing to push through chemistry, since I'm not completely enthused about making it a career.

I have no idea what I'd do if I walked away from the MS program. Options could include being a lab tech or similar while I figure out how I want to go forward, or possibly looking into teaching at a high school level. I've always dismissed the idea of teaching, but I enjoy the teaching that I do (grading, less so, but no surprises there), and my main reason not to go the teaching route has been that I dislike the heavily political requirements of university teaching (which also requires a PhD, but that's irrelevant to my debate). Or... I don't know what else, I've only really been thinking about this for half an hour or so.

Obviously, I need to figure this out, and talking it over with someone is probably the way to go. The problem is that almost everyone I see regularly is in the program, and I'd rather not have this start floating around the department as a rumor before I've made a decision. I'd normally talk to my parents, but the last few times I've spoken to them, I've gotten lectured on being productive, and I don't feel like putting up with that at this point (I've more or less decided to distance myself from them to some degree until I'm done, as anything else just gets me annoyed when they [mostly my dad] start talking about how I should abandon everything else in order to focus on the things I have to do to finish; sorry, but I need my sanity more than my degree).

Venting alone hasn't gotten me anywhere. And I actually need to be enthusiastic (or at least not negative) about the program tonight and tomorrow. &*@% me...

[WarKitty]

The first is generally not reasonable to expect. The second generally would be considered reasonable clearly depending on your definition of "no noise". Now if it goes to extremes as in any minor noise its probably too much. But making sure the TV is not loud enough to play into the room, no music playing (use headphones), no banging around pots/pans/plates in the kitchen are all pretty reasonable. Not walking around is probably not reasonable, though if you're in an old building with creaky floors, avoiding too much walking around once a roommate is asleep is probably not asking too much.

Just giving them earplugs is pretty rude. Some people cannot sleep well with earplugs in. Personally I can but I know my GF cannot.

I believe the last complaint was that I was putting away laundry too loudly. We've also had arguments over using sinks and toilets at night. Or going down to pour a glass of milk. When I said no noise I really did mean absolutely no noise at all.

[Coidzor]

I believe the last complaint was that I was putting away laundry too loudly. We've also had arguments over using sinks and toilets at night. Or going down to pour a glass of milk. When I said no noise I really did mean absolutely no noise at all.

Oy gevalt.

[The Succubus]

I believe the last complaint was that I was putting away laundry too loudly. We've also had arguments over using sinks and toilets at night. Or going down to pour a glass of milk. When I said no noise I really did mean absolutely no noise at all.

That...is rather disturbing, from an audiologist's point of view. I won't go into further details on here but my PM box is open, should you wish.

[Chilingsworth]

Ok, a recent thread about a playgrounder's happily recovered son made me decide to post this. I am very happy that the kid is doing well, but the similarities to the circumstances of my birth triggered a need to share my story. It is disjointed. For this I appologize. I've spoilered it for length.

Spoiler

Show

I was born 2 months premature, in 1983 so methods of caring for premies were less advanced than what's available today. To make matters worse, when a cathader was inserted to measure my blood gasses, it was performed improperly. This caused a massive (relative to my size, anyway) bloodclot in my aorta. The clot cut off circulation to my brain, kidneys, and legs. After intensive surgery (the doctor compared working on a baby my size to working on the rats he operated on in med school,) the clot was removed. Still, I had suffered massive brain damage, significant kidney damage, and my legs had turned black. My prognosis: death, or if I survived, I would be blind, deaf, mentally retarded, and my legs would have to be amputated.
My first stroke of luck was that the blood returned to my legs... not long before they were going to amputate them as it turned out. Although I am apparently missing a femoral artery. When I got to go home, I was still too weak to cry much, though I did seem to be in pain often. I was so underweight that I had to be fed almost around the clock: I took so long to eat that by the time I was finished it was time to feed me again. I didn't reach a weight of 30lbs until I was six years old.
My brain damage seemed to largely resolve, but while I occasionally used something resembling coherant logical arugments at three years of age, (I once said to my grandfather: "Pep, I want to play in the dirt. I want a spoon so I can play in the dirt. If you get me a spoon, then I'll go play in the dirt and leave you alone so you can go back to reading your newspaper.") I wasn't able to speak clearly enough for strangers to understand me until I was four.
So, I'm definately not suffering from the mental retardation that was predicted for me, nor am I blind or deaf (though I do need glasses and I'm starting to feel some concern over the quality of my hearing...) But to say my brain injury completely resolved is likely inaccurate. On intelligence tests, I've consistantly scored very high on the verbal portions of the test, but average (at best) on the performance portion. I can learn things well enough, but when I actually try to do much of anything practical, I find it insanely difficult. For as long as I can remember, I've been socially akward. This made my years in school hell (though I did enjoy many of my classes, it was my classmates I disliked.) Oddly, in my Jr High and early highschool years, I drew girls like moths to flames. I had no idea why they expressed interest in me, so I often assumed they were trying some sort of trick and drove them off. I still have no idea why they expressed such interest, except maybe because I didn't treat them like pieces of meat.
The schools I was in for most of my childhood didn't really know what to do with me. Another disadvantage of my birthdate. From what I understand, had I been born five or ten years later, far more research would have been available and someone might even have been able to figure me out. What made things even worse: In freshman year of highschool, I had an english teacher I really liked. I found him to be the most compentent enducator I had ever met. I still hold this opinion of him. Unfortunately, he was accused of sexually harrassing a student and was fired. I don't know the details, but he claimed to my class (the highest track class) that one of his other students was upset at being held accountable for his/her schoolwork and was working to get him fired. The school refused to tell us students anything about what was going on. I passed him one day as I was coming in. I heard him mutter something like "well damn them." That was the last I saw of him. This happened around the middle of the year. His replacement was fresh out of college. She wasn't very compentent. Perhaps ironically (though sadly), she ended up quitting after the end of the year due to students sexually harrassing her.
I had an... interesting sophomore year (I discuss this abit below.) After which I was sent to a school out of state. While it wasn't a completely horrible experience, it did stymy my development and destroyed the few relationships I had developed among my peers.

So, now I'm nearing 30 but am stuck in the mentality of a teenager. I believe myself to be utterly useless and hate myself for it. I aided the only person I've yet loved... but paid so little attention to my own needs that I basically self destructed. When I became useless, she left me. I don't blame her for this. I helped her solve (or at least significantly reduce) her problems, but then became a massive drag on her. I feel broken and not worth salvaging. Even if I could be saved, I'm sure its too late to do any good. The only times I don't feel like *** are when I'm sleeping or gaming. I often feel that stuborness is all that's keeping me alive.

When I identify my ex as the only person I've ever loved, that actually not quite true. I did have a girlfriend before her (and loved her.) But, a couple months after we declared our relationship, she had an epileptic siezure that erased her memory of me. I tried for about a year to reconnect with her, but she had lost so much that the foundation our relationship had been built on was nonexistant. Before her, when I was in highschool there was another girl. I think we might have become an item had my fear and folly not intervened. She was being harrassed by this guy. It took me awhile to realise that was what was happening. When I did, I took indirect methods to help her. These methods amounted to organizing his other victims (he had other victims, girls he harrassed and guys he simply bullied) against him. I think it worked (at least he stopped) but it took a long time and in the process, I was judged dangerous (this was around the time of Columbine) and so sent away. So, I don't know what the end result was.

Among my greatest fears is the feeling that I'm rapidly becoming the incarnation of the Dido's "See You When You're 40."

I often feel kinda like the that woman in the ship sinking scene in White Squall. In other words: doomed and beyond help.

So, that's my story, well most of it anyway. I could go into much more detail about either of my ex's. Suffice it to say that I hold grudges against niether of them. The first ended because "Screw you, Chilinginsworth, That's why! Love, The Universe." The second one ended because of conflict between her and my family, and my own inadequacies, with a side of religious differences that added to my exaughstion by my trying to bridge (I tried and failed to convert. Acted more like a ideological vaccine, possibly including a pshycological analogue to an immune response.)

I have a therapist, but as I said, I'm afraid I've taken too long to get help. (I've also had other mental health professionals and it's done me... well, I suppose I'm still alive and have managed to do without full hospitalization. I also suppose I've done better than some. Still, not enough good.)
I've writen some poetry but mostly that's dried up.

Really, I just want to be understood. And to not feel alone anymore.

[Serpentine]

I'm feeling miserable all of a sudden tonight. I'm in a Mood (which is odd, I was in another Mood just a little while ago, I shouldn't be having one this soon afterwards), and it's on a background of various (all petty and stupid, obviously) stressors.
I just listed all this crap for a friend, but I feel the need to continue venting cuz I'm all shouty and ****, so here's a copy-paste.

I hate this job. I'm pretty sure I'm being exploited pretty badly - the general consensus seems to be that the ABN is to get around the law which says people need to be paid a base salary PLUS a commission. The hours are stupid long, and it's entirely possible to work for 9 hours for no pay whatsoever.
My dad would understand if I quit, but I doubt my mum would. My sister might, since she was in tears at the prospect of getting into a similar job, and she'd be a lot better suited to it psychologically than me (although thinking about it, although I think she'd be good at it, I don't know if she'd be able to deal with the constant rejection).
More to the point, I feel like quitting now would be letting the friend who got me that job down - she gets a big bonus if I stay for a month/get 40 sales. She actually intends to give me half of it, with which I was intending to buy myself a dress I want and a present for her. At this point, that's basically the main/only reason I'm not quitting right now. I've just finished my second week, and have about 20 sales. Which makes me about half-way there, but also almost nauseously miserable.
Then there's Moses, my cat. I'm terrified something bad's gonna happen again, and he won't get here. Or he will, and he ****s and pisses all over the place or gets out and run over. The new housemate isn't happy at all to be having a cat in the house, too, and it's pretty bad that no one at all thought to mention it to her before she agreed to move in. She's being a pretty big dampner on my pleasure at the prospect of having my cat here.
Then there's the housemates. One has two boxes cluttering up the room he's meant to have been going through for months. Another - the one who doesn't like cats - used my frigging tooth brush and uses our "library" area as her laundry room. The other keeps being a bloody condescending know-it-all at whom I snapped this morning and then had a go at me for it (apparently it's a "bad idea" to call her on bitching about me getting in the way of "her needs" by having an event I've been openly planning for 2 weeks "before her coffee"), and just a little while ago started explaining to me exactly what I should do with my cat when he gets here - cuz, you know, it's not liked I've moved him to a new house 3 or 4 times myself.
Then there's the really stupid petty bit, with my snugglebuddies. They were both here today, and they were all snuggly and stuff. I'd asked them not to do that, but I did specifically ask for no kissing which they kept to, and they've both apologised to me for it even though they weren't doing anything wrong. I'm not angry at them (although I am annoyed they didn't tell me they'd be leaving at 6pm), but I'm still jealous and I hate myself for it but I can't stop it and I want a hug.
Also my room is a dump, I'm fat and lazy, completely unorganised, I made a humongous lot of spaghetti bolognese that went uneaten, and my work with the Best Avatarist Competition is pathetic.
Also I tried to report my income to Centrelink on Friday. I actually had income to report, from this stupid call centre job, and tried to do so, but it told me it failed and I had to contact Centrelink about it. On Friday night. Centrelink is not open on weekends. It's gonna be days before I get my payment from them, now. And all the pay I just got from this stupid job is going straight towards getting my cat to me.

[The Succubus]

I know it's not much but *hugs*. Also, I freaking *LOVE* that verse by verse illustration you did of Jabberwocky.

In terms of practical advice I don't think there's much I can give you. It's always harder to deal with "death by a thousand cuts" than it is to deal with one huge problem. With regards to the job, the best thing you can do is give yourself something to look forward to each evening and use that to help you get through the day. The other thing that can help is if you start working on a plan for looking for your next job as well. Jotting down ideas, buffing your CV - things like this will help you feel like you're moving forward and not so "trapped", which seems like it's your main issue right now.

You are a strong, smart and wonderful person Serpy. I hope things pick up for you again.

*hugs*