More Funny D&D Stories

[dilepoutee]

Subjected my players to a lake of embalming fluid with zombie dire sharks, that was a hoot.

Yes, Offcourse..

[Chacha]

Nothing major, but this was pretty funny last night.

I'm a dragonborn (Tü'Rûhn -- because, baby, I was dragonborn to run) Paladin of the Raven Queen.

My character has been cutting off the ears of all of the humanoid creatures he has killed, making them into a necklace which he has been pulling out when he tries to intimidate. My DM finds it amusing and gave me a +1 ceremonial dagger of ear cutting from a cult of Shar last match. We also found a room full of dead bodies with a barrel of blood.

Me: "Does the blood seem tainted?"
DM: "No. It seems like regular blood."
Me: "I make sure the fallen have found their way to my Queen and take the barrel."
DM: "It's just a regular barrel of blood."
Me: "If I cover myself in it...do I get a +1 to intimidate checks?"
DM: "...You're a 7 foot dragonoid creature in full plate, covered head to toe in blood...yeah. That's worth a +1."

Cue dungeon crawl.

I find a goblin imprisoned by his own people. He points out the room where his former allies are waiting, then makes a move for my dagger. I kill him, cover myself in the barrel of blood, kick in the door to the room, and throw his lifeless, earless body clear across it.

"SURRENDER NOW OR FIND YOUR FATE, GOBLINS!"

DM: "No one sees you."
Me: "Really? No one?"
DM: "No one. But they hear a commotion and come running out."

Forward to killing 20 goblins and bloodying the goblin king.

"YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE THE RAVEN QUEEN, OR SHE WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!"

-- botches the roll --

The goblin king turns and flees. I get an attack of opportunity.

-- botches the roll --

The goblin king escapes to a hidden passage. We can't follow him without taking an extended rest. We reluctantly rest and try to find a way to him.

We find a chamber with four goblins and two drakes. My first turn, I kill one drake. My second turn, I kill a goblin. My party dispatches another goblin and the second drake. On my third turn, I attack a goblin and use an action point to keep my "murder every time I blink" streak up. I completely crush him.

DM: "How do you kill him?"
Me: "In a single movement, I pull my ceremonial ear cutting dagger from its sheath, wrap my flail around the goblin's neck, pull it to me, and cut its ear off. I snap its neck and send it spinning to the ground."
DM: "...No, you don't. Come on. That wasn't a natural 20. You can't do that. What do you actually do?"
Me: "I ROLL VS THE GAME!"

Grab my die. Throw it to the board. NATURAL TWENTY.

DM: "...Seriously?!"
Me: "IN A SINGLE MOVEMENT-"
DM: "Okay! You do exactly what you said you did! You win vs the game!"
Me: "I turn to the remaining goblin, and I shout, 'YOU! PR--"
DM: "You're a 7 foot murdermonster covered head to toe in blood. You just mercilessly slaughtered his last ally. He immediately drops all of his weapons, falls to his knees, and offers you a trinket in exchange for his life. No rolls."

And that's how you win D&D!

[MagpieWench]

My gm likes having a ton of players in his game. IIRC, there were about 9 at this session...

We are a chartered adventuring group out of Waterdeep who are also signed aboard a pirate ship. We were on the ship with several of us below decks, and a handful above.

Below decks, the halfling fighter realizes that we don't know what happened to the giant mimic from a couple of sessions previous, so he decides the mimic is the ship and starts stabbing it (omg, the shifters were out to get us like whoa). The gnome illusionist makes an illusory double who mimics the fighters every move, basically pissing the fighter right the heck off, because, "another shifter," so he starts fighting with the illusion.

Suddenly, the ship rocks violently and there is a huge crack of what sounds like thunder. Some of us race above to find that our desert-bred half-dragon druid is vomiting lightning, and has hit the rail of the ship.

All at once, the ship rolls to the side with the missing rail. The druid manages to grab the rail, the elf rogue almost goes over, the bard (me), and the human rogue calmly keep their feet, when the ship lurches to the other side, and starts rocking back and forth! Steam comes billowing up, and we rush back down. One of the magic users (maybe the illusionist, but I don't think so...) had cast wall of ice around the halfling fighter (the several thousand pounds causing the ship to tilt) which pissed off the ranger, who stuck his flaming sword into the wall (which caused it to sublimate).

There were at least a half-elf cleric, a halfing rogue, and maybe a gnome cleric in all of this, plus a whole bunch of npcs...

[ElenionAncalima]

This one happened a while ago, but I was reminded of it recently.

Spoiler: Sort of Familiar...

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I was playing a cleric of Milani, a minor Golarion diety of martyrs who believes in fighting against oppression. The rest of the party was a barbarian, a rogue and a witch.

Fast forward about six sessions and we are working as guards during a trial. The courthouse gets attacked by three cloaked individual, who we defeat. As we are searching them, the DM announces that they are all carrying holy symbols of Milani. Dun-dun-duuuhn, right? Wrong.

While I am still trying to make sense of this as a character and a player, the following happens:

Rogue: I pick up the pendant and show it to the cleric, "Are you familiar with this religion"
DM: *bursts into laughter*
Me: You're joking, right?
Rogue: ...uh...no?
Barbarian (to me): Don't you have knowledge religion?
Me: *Looks to Witch*
Witch: *Stares blankly*
DM: *Still laughing*
Rogue: I don't get it...has this come up before or something?
Barbarian: Yeah, I don't get it either.
Me: So...just to clarify, none of you remember the religion of Milani coming up before?
Barbarian: No...
Witch: ...I don't remember.
Rogue: I mean, it does sound sort of familiar...
Me: *Puts head on table*
DM: *Pats my shoulder...while still laughing*

[illyahr]

This one happened a while ago, but I was reminded of it recently.

Spoiler: Sort of Familiar...

Show

I was playing a cleric of Milani, a minor Golarion diety of martyrs who believes in fighting against oppression. The rest of the party was a barbarian, a rogue and a witch.

Fast forward about six sessions and we are working as guards during a trial. The courthouse gets attacked by three cloaked individual, who we defeat. As we are searching them, the DM announces that they are all carrying holy symbols of Milani. Dun-dun-duuuhn, right? Wrong.

While I am still trying to make sense of this as a character and a player, the following happens:

Rogue: I pick up the pendant and show it to the cleric, "Are you familiar with this religion"
DM: *bursts into laughter*
Me: You're joking, right?
Rogue: ...uh...no?
Barbarian (to me): Don't you have knowledge religion?
Me: *Looks to Witch*
Witch: *Stares blankly*
DM: *Still laughing*
Rogue: I don't get it...has this come up before or something?
Barbarian: Yeah, I don't get it either.
Me: So...just to clarify, none of you remember the religion of Milani coming up before?
Barbarian: No...
Witch: ...I don't remember.
Rogue: I mean, it does sound sort of familiar...
Me: *Puts head on table*
DM: *Pats my shoulder...while still laughing*

I feel your pain.

[Fumble Jack]

Ok my D&D group when they managed to get an artificer to craft their warforged magical booze potions (kid you not this was one of his in-game goals)

The npc bard in the group convinced them to have at it. They ended up raiding the Duke's castle, locking up his guards in the dungeon, stealing his pet dire tiger, hurling up all over the Duke's throne room, mistaking his throne for a chamber pot, the only sober character being the rogue used the drunken commotion of her teammates to elect to empty the castle vaults, then one of the group ensured the Duke would have an heir and grandchild. The warforged chugged a barrel of oil thinking it was a keg of the booze. They then sneaked the tiger into an Inn.

The next in-game morning, the halfling rogue woke up to make sure the stolen gold was ok. Then the goblin wizard woke up next and feeling betrayed by the bard and heavily vindictive chose to fireball the bard for convincing him to be part of the drunken festivities using the staff that had the spell stored in it. This killed the bard, set the warforged, still full of oil on fire as well as the dire tiger and blew the goblin wizard to dying and needing to be stabilized as he took for granted the dimensions of the room. The Rogue saved her stolen goods first then the goblin. The others had to fight off a rather pissed dire tiger, that thanks to the dwarven fighter and Warforged monk, they were able to defeat by knocking it through the wall and out of the Inn. Where it fell with a wet thump. Their room was on the second floor.

One of the town guard had to come deal with the commotion and ended up having to put the lot of them under arrest when the rogue failed a bluff check against them. When they were brought before the Duke and Captain of the guard to attempt to dispute their case. They tried to do it Phoenix Wright style, with the only lawful character being the Warforged and helping him the Rogue. It was going well at first 'til the Captain asked the other pc's questions. Then things started to look like they would get thrown in jail, the goblin ended up grabbing the staff again and launching another fireball for the day, into the Duke and Captain. With the ruckus and commotion, the group simply decided to flee

[LokiRagnarok]

Are you sure you weren't playing "Hangover: The RPG"?

[Fumble Jack]

It honestly felt like I was and the comparison was made at the gaming table but it's what they went with doing. Ironically this was within one of the larger cities where they would have had a chance to shop between dungeon crawls.

[Inevitability]

Recently, an introductory game of 5E I DM'ed for a couple of new players ended. Or, more specifically, we all agreed this would be the last session and the players could do whatever they wanted. PvP, random killing, plotting against other PC's, it'd all be allowed for this one session. Add to this the fact that we already were playing a sub-evil campaign, and things got... interesting.

Spoiler: The relevant characters

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Nils, playing a True Neutral human cleric (Socie). The most 'mature' of the players.

John, playing a Neutral Evil (who acted like he was TN) human fighter (Jonaso). Close friends with Nils OOC.

Samuel, playing a drow ranger (Quallion). Newest to the game. His character was NE, but played more like Stupid Evil.

Spoiler: The story

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So, after some recent 'adventures' involving framing a barkeeper and feeding him to weasels (don't ask), the party had acquired an inn. So what does Jonaso do? He decides to get full-on drunk, and starts arguing with Quallion.

Quallion's response? 'I grab my crossbow and shoot him in the face'. So, after a short battle, which brought Quallion down to a third of his HP, caused the cleric to expend his final spell slot trying to bring Quallion down and knocked Jonaso out, the two standing PC's decide to stop the fighting. As they still want to earn some money, Jonaso's body is dragged into a back room and the tavern is opened.

Me: Okay, I guess some people walk in and start ordering drinks. Oh, and a town guard walks in. He inquires of the sounds of battle he thought he heard.
Quallion: Crap, I tell him he must have imagined those. 19 for bluff!
Me: I guess he apologizes, walks back out and...
Quallion: No way he's going to call his friends! I shoot him in the back! Critical hit! 15 damage!
Me: Okay... The guard falls over, dead. Half a dozen innocent peasants start screaming in fear.
Quallion: I AIM MY CROSSBOW AT SOCIE! I'm not going to survive this without a hostage!
Me: I guess so... Okay, one of the peasants runs away, screaming for the guards. A moment later, two enter.
Quallion: I bluff my way out of this! Ahem: 'dear guards, I am sure this is a mistake. You see, a brawl broke out here, and in the chaos, your friend over there was killed. But do not fear, for I have captured his killer and...'
Me: You are standing in a partly-destroyed tavern holding someone who is a known servant of the town's leader at bowpoint, all around you are people fleeing in terror, you are of a race that is known for being murderous backstabbers, you are holding the only crossbow in the whole tavern and you try to convince the guards that their friend, who they see lying with a crossbow bolt out of his back, was killed by someone else? I don't know how big the circumstance penalty on this one is, but I'm going for something with at least three digits.
Quallion: Well then... I throw my sword at the nearest guard! *rolls max damage*
Me: Okay, you kill him too. The few commoners who weren't already fleeing in blind panic now jump up and run away too. The lone remaining guard charges you, *rolls* hits, for *rolls*, enough damage to knock you out. You are then captured, put in prison, horribly tortured, and thrown into a pit full of dire weasels. Then they pull you out right before you die, heal you, and do it all over again.
Quallion: I like this game.

OOC, everyone was having a blast. In fact, straight after finishing the game, I was asked to GM another game, which will start next week.

[FyreHeart]

I have just started as a player in a 5th edition of Dungeons and Dragons. Our party is a sight for sore eyes, including a drow and half-orc wizard who is 5 years from death. I play said drow.

1) Our half-orc wizard's running theme is that he only knows useless spells. One of his favorite things? Casting a spell on someone that makes them taste butthole in their mouth for a full hour. Vanya the drow had just met him and that is literally the first thing he does upon meeting her. This I sense will be running gag.

2) Another player, a human this time, whenever he is searching for a shorter way through mountains, will yell "Secret tunnel!" from Avatar: The Last Airbender. If there is a mountain pass, the DM will wait a few seconds before replying back with "....Secret Tunnel!" And this goes on and on.

[Demolicious]

A couple stories from previous sessions of my ongoing 3.5 campaign.

Cast
Tharen Varith: human Cleric/Warlock/Master of Shrouds with abysmal dice luck, rolling nat 1 on over 1/3 (I counted) of any d20 rolled on combat, from rest over half were below 10.
Geralt: Human wizard focused on conjuration(battlefield control) with tendencies for oversilliness and habit to slap everyone with a glove.
Meulin Mavros: chatty young human girl, ranger that hates basically everything except dragons and cats.
Vincent Dragonsbane: Human crusader, with kleptomaniac attitude, seemingly insane, speaking to invisible force known as "Airy" (Player quit few sessions back due to some OOC situations)
Sytharian Autumnfire: "The dark emo elf", elven duskblade who got squashed by troll in some encounter I wasn't part of.
Bhelan: Human duskblade made to replace Aetharius, has habit of never giving up, no matter how situations are.
Airy: Vincent's not-so-imaginary-as-appears friend, tiny fairy (originally NPC, became full PC later) rogue with perverted mindset.
Baltazar: sun elf mage, who dresses in black and purple silk and prefers sneaking (Replacing Tharen after player gave up on trying to roll over 10 on attack and over 6 on damage)

Joining up later, due to unexpectedly everyone looking for new players to replace Vincent
Yokeron D'Trios: halfling sorcerer
Dovan Mithralhand: Vincent's friend, dwarf fighter, sent by departed Vincent to serve as meat shield.
Ellie: Half-elf cleric rescued in latest session.

Spoiler: Rounding up the party

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Entire party arrives at town, with none of them having met each other before. Somehow, everyone ends up in same inn (only one in town).
Geralt proceeds to first pick up a fight with Vincent, who was talking to airy (at the moment, only seeable by either Vincent, or see invisibility). Geralt quickly proceeds to label the crusader a loonie. This is followed up by Geralt proceeding to literally poke Vincent with his finger, until he gets in the inn to get drunk. A short while later, after Geralt has inquired about a task for his "merry men" (who he doesn't have yet) of adventurers. After finding out about a kobold cave, he proceeds to round the party together by poking every single one of them with a finger until everyone is somehow together, declaring them to be his "merry men".

Spoiler: The wizard, the glove, and the slaves

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Happened in first session, as Geralt caught a kobold by name of Smudge looting his cart. Smudge was thereby slapped by Geralt multiple times with his glove, giving another slap every time Smudge did anything Geralt didn't want to (Including trying to leave). Our CG wizard has a kobold slave, who carries a haversack with hundreds of random 1 use wands.
Later on, party was exiting an inn, coming across group of kingdom's mage hunters harassing a woman whose husband they killed on the street. After resulting fight, party is left with 3 dead knights, 1 dead cleric, and 1 living, wounded knight. Remaining knight (named Theo) is then slapped by Geralt's glove, until he climbs on Geralt's donkey cart, and the party escapes. Theo is tied up, and slapped for next few days, until he swears complete loyality to Geralt.

Spoiler: Taming the big kitty

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During party escaping from dungeons of a cult, that had captured them (Tharen going to join the cult instead, being replaced by Baltazar, also a captive), Meulin came across a room with chest, guarded by Displacer beast. Instead of following the usual adventuring process of "murder it and loot it", Meulin (she likes cats, and displacer beasts are "feline") proceeds to try to talk to it. Displacer beast, naturally, doesn't respond, but proceeds to maul the ranger for disturbing it's lair and sleep. Meulin, not to be denied, keeps trying, until she's finally dragged off at roughly 5 hp remaining, complaining bitterly that the kitty didn't want to talk to her.
After a while, Geralt manages to move past same room, and gives casual wave to displacer beast, who this whole time has been angrily prowling at 5 ft. wide entrance to the room. This in turn, enrages it, and beast proceeds to chase Geralt across the sewer dungeon, back to party, who proceed to murder the thing with AOE spells in 1 or 2 rounds. Meulin is extremely angry at the group for killing her kitty.

Spoiler: Mother of Dragons

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An hour later, in same dungeon as displacer beast encounter, Airy (Now a PC) and Geralt go to wander off as rest of the party rests. Few moments later, Geralt busts back into party's "camp" screaming from top of his lungs "There's dragonlings that are trying to kill us!"
Typical adventurer response, Baltazar and Meulin rush back to aid their comrades in battle, Meulin speeding well ahead. As they round into room where 3 small dragonlings are hissing, spitting lightning and clawing at blind Vincent (who was blinded before capture, and fell to permanent depression IC and OOC) and Airy. Situation takes a new turn however, as Meulin rushes into the room, drops her weapons, and runs to protect her "babies" (3 blue dragon hatchlings), and with combination of draconic, animal empathy and diplomacy, takes them as her pets. Player declares herself "mother of dragons".

Spoiler: Fishing the drunk fairy

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After poorly gone dungeon run (where Bhelan and Vincent got hit by aboleth's curse, with Meulin, Baltazar and Airy almost drowning), party is in nearby tavern, just resting and relaxing (DM was busy, so pure RP session).
Meulin is going through her arrows, Baltazar sits down for chat and drink with Geralt, Vincent is brooding outside. Airy is demanding dwarf inkeeper loudly about what it's going to take for fairy to get a thistle of mead.
Geralt goes to bed early, Baltazar buys Airy a drink (full sized tankard of mead). She proceeds to sit on edge of the tankard, scooping mead up with both hands. Being about 6" tall, she gets well drunk quite quickly, and manages to fall straight in her tankard. This in turn results with Baltazar having to fish her out before she drowns, and getting a cork for her to drink from. Sadly this didn't really go through to Airy, as she proceeded to put the cork in middle of her tankard, and sailed around in the mead with it, drinking as much as she could.
A little later, Baltazar and Meulin are playing game of darts, Baltazar cheating shamelessly with mage hand to even have chance against ranger. Airy pops over, so drunk she can barely stand, and decides she wants to play. Picks up a dart about as large as she is, spins around on table with it a few times, and flings it at the target. Nat 20. Party's drunk fairy hits a bull's eye with dart as large as she is.

Spoiler: Adventures of Bhelan the blind

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An encounter with now all too familiar cult in a tavern, sent to recover black orb that party stole. For us, encounter is going terribly. Baltazar and Meulin are trapped in web, with Meulin unconscious and Baltazar hiding under the webs to not get nuked. Geralt is at 0hp 200 ft from the inn, after fleeing invisibly with the orb, and then proceeding to destroy it, getting blasted to exactly 0 hp by explosion of 20d6 (we're at lvl 6). Bhelan is blind after being attacked by cult's ordained champion channeling blindness, and Dovan got paralyzed on first round he joined the game. So far, 1 cultist is dead, 4 alive (including sorcerer and ordained champion boss) and unharmed. Oh, and there's phase spider somewhere. Only party members active are blind Bhelan, and Airy.
Ordained champion is outside, and Bhelan manages to crawl out of nearby window to back of the inn. Not to be discouraged, he sneaks up to corner near front of the inn, where champion was shouting at Geralt to give the orb or his friends would die, prior to explosion as he destroyed it. Bhelan, assisted by Airy (and having had poor performance so far while he had his sight) gets champion's location, and fires a fire bolt. Almost maximum damage and failed reflex save.
Champion is ticked off, and goes to finish Bhelan for good.
Bhelan tackles her, rolling for grapple, succeeds.
Dovan breaks free, runs to help Bhelan.
Champion who almost single handedly defeated entire party, is pinned down, and pummeled by both Bhelan with his shield (still blind) and Dovan with his gauntlets.
Meanwhile, Airy flies inside and slits throats of remaining enemies.
Champion is beaten to low hit points, but succeeds concentration roll to cast teleport.
A blind duskblade turned whole encounter from "TPK" to "Narrow victory with none dead".

Spoiler: The girl, the rock, the halfling

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Few days after close call at roadside inn. Late night, party approaches palisade camp not on any maps.
Meulin spots a lone figure, sleeping up in a tree some ways away from the camp itself.
Her first action: "I throw a rock at it"
Few rolls follow, rock hits. A loud scream and heavy thud is heard as small shape falls off the tree, smashing onto ground.
Party are met with loud and angry halfling, who demands to know who did that while spewing profanities.

And few random snippets.

Tharen rolling his first (and only hit) hit on entire session, scoring critical hit with his spell. Roll 4d10. Okay, good chance to kill atleast someone at lvl 4. Rolls 6.

Geralt greasing every enemy, then covering it with "stripper-glitter" aka glitterdust.

Vincent going all out "emo" after being blinded, being pulled along through Meulin like on a leash.

Tharen being useful for 1 time in his life, rolling around 18 on rebuke undead check. Takes over 90% of minions on single encounter (that all proceed to roll every attack below 10).



We're currently in process of keeping a blog of our party's adventures, written by me and posted by our DM. Blog is updated after every session, with quality and length depending on my mood and what we did in the session itself.
http://worldofendore.blogspot.fi/
2 sessions have been logged so far, more to come. Feel free to read if you're interested, and comment. We'd like to see if our messes amuse others as much as it does us.

[Tabris92]

Created an account just to post my stories. I have Several, but I wont post em all right now.
I have been, more or less, the unfortunate subject of many of these stories.
Characters in the party.
Me, Kurama. Kitsune (homebrew) Rogue level 5
Zasimel, shark megalodon, samurai
Elma, Ranger (dont know her race)
Abaddon, Tiefling Rogue. *He plays his character to be quite the sociopath and is the main source of the "wtf" in our party.

The Rogue with the broken legs

Spoiler

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Myself, Zasimel and Abaddon

We go into a room in the dungeon were in, and look for loot, clues, etc. I am searching the area for traps.
Meanwhile, the rest of the party who was in another room, triggers a trap. That goes off in the room that Zasimel, Abaddon and myself are in.
the trap is a sweeping trap that hits at our legs.
DM: Kurama, roll reflex
me: *rolls poorly* wow, and my reflex is 14...
DM: take 7 damage, and your legs are broken
me: fantastic
We get out of room minutes later (me crawling out) Cleric comes to help me.
Me: please heal me, I cant walk
Cleric: allright, but I only got a few spells for the day so dont get hurt again.
*cleric heals my legs
Moments later, we are hit with another trap *trapfinding didnt find it*
Legs broken again. fantastic.
Me: cleric can you heal me again?
Cleric: no, ima save it for something important.
me: your rogue cant walk, thats not important?
cleric: nope.
friend of mine splinted my legs together, and I could at least walk through the rest of the dungeon.

The Rogue and the Geletanious Cube
This ones short.

Spoiler

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Were going through dungeon, checking every door and chest we see for traps by this point *dm was just loving to get us with traps in this dungeon.*
me: trapfinding on door
DM: you detect no traps
me: ok. ima open the door and do a spot *rolls spot, my wis modifer is -1 btw and I roll poorly
DM: you see nothing
me: rolls again
DM: nope
me: screw it, ill just go in.
DM: you notice its harder to move.
me: in a panic *rolls escape artist check*
DM: you cant escape
Party finally sees whats going on
Ranger: thats a geletanious cube....gg Kurama.
me: really, I walked into a gelatinous cube.
Zasimel: Anyone have any rope...?

Abaddon and the Church

Spoiler

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Abaddon, our sociopathic Rogue decides to burn down the towns church.
We just got back from a dungeon, were tired, wounded, and we realize were gonna need to keep a healthy stock of potions.
Abaddon: I want set fire to the church
DM: ok...you do it.
Abaddon: now ima hide
Me, walking around town going to church cause they sell potions and herbs. I see its on fire.
Town guards approach the church, Im around so they question me immidiately.
I decided to cover Abaddons tracks and talk to their guards.
me: *rolling diplomacy, rolls well
DM: you pass
me: I convince the guards that god burnt down the church
Guards: yea, that doesnt surprise me at all. that church was atrocious.
Abaddon, then decides to stab one of the guards. Does almost no damage
DM: guard immidiately draws his sword and is ready to attack
me: *rolls diplomacy again, nat 20
DM: ....you succeed. *facepalming
me: God did that too
Guard: we have some repenting to do...

And thats how I convinced the town guards that god burnt down their church and then stabbed a guard.

[Dallahan]

I was playing a wizard in D&D 2e and had recently learned the spell burning hands. I was overly eager to use it, so when we were attacked by ghouls in a confined space I cast it while standing behind our dwarves cleric. I miscalculated the range and only succeeded in singing our clerics beard and not receiving healing for several sessions afterwards.

[Sajiri]

Not a big one but I thought this was funny last night, when the (3 and a half session long) prologue of our new solo campaign finally ended.

My character (Antoniette/Ana) was a noble who's home got attacked and she got thrown in prison, after a jail break and bringing along some of the other prisoners, they stole a boat and the dhampir companion (Norman) that joined them suggested they sail to this undead nation place where he'd organize for them to get a better ship and supplies, but they could only stay 24 hours. He claimed it was simply he was being groomed for a position (implies nobility himself) that he wasnt ready to take on yet, so he just wanted to postpone it for a while by travelling with this new formed crew. Turns out he has some influence in the port we landed in so he kept his word and bought us a new small ship and we stocked up on supplies.

As Ana is doing the final inspection and wondering where Norman is, the crew notices him running down the street toward the ship looking like he's just run a mile. He races onboard and quickly composes himself while his bird lands nearby and starts laughing at him (Ana was given a special power of language for this, so she can actually tell the bird is laughing it's ass off at him).

Norman: The wind is in our favor still, lets get going my dear
Ana: *looks back at the port, and sees some call of cthulu type shadowy figure gliding down the street, stones in the ground are turning into dark little creatures at it's feet, the air around is turning dark and silent, the undead in this town are even closing their windows and locking their doors. Her language power lets her read lips too*
Figure: NORMAN CAULT. YOUR PRESENCE IS DEMANDED. NORMAN CAULT. YOUR PRESENCE IS DEMANDED.
Ana: God dammit Norman
Norman: *slides his arm around her shoulder and casually turns her to face the opposite direction, summoning an image of little trumpets playing in the air* Dear captain Helen, your journey begins~

I got a laugh out of it just to sum up the opening, some terrible horror gliding toward the boat while the bird is laughing and we got the heck out of there. He calls her Helen because he checked her in at an Inn as Helen Back (Hell and Back) because of all the terrible stuff that happened in and prior the first session....I also wonder if that shadowy figure is going to have something to do with it

[Demolicious]

I have a little murder mystery for you all this time. To set things up, a few things.

I'm the murder in this story, but I will not tell who I was playing, that'll be up for everyone to figure out.
For sake of not just using alignments to figure it out, I won't be giving alignments on evil-good axis, only lawful-chaotic. Evil alignment was also banned during character creation, so every one of the following started with neutral/good alignment. Everyone in the story has ability and chance to commit the murder.

Cast
Human male Ranger: Chaotic. Face of the party, prone to rash actions due to attempts of epicness. 1 of 2 remaining members of original party. Brother figure to the druid.
Human male Sorcerer: Chaotic. Fire based sorcerer whose main interest is setting everything possible on fire. Mostly quiet, wanders off on his own on occasion.
Tiefling male Dread necromancer: Lawful 1 of 2 people left from original group. Tends to get best along with the druid. Preferred approach to everything is summoned skeletal owlbears.
Half-fey female gnome Druid: Neutral. 2nd face of the party, favors hitting people with call lightning. Usually peaceful, threatens people when annoyed.
Dwarf male Cleric: Neutral. The murderer. Referred to as "potato" by people, due to his RP activity being equal to mentioned edible object.

Setting
Party had been fighting band of bounty hunters with a captive. Dwarf, having summoned celestial bison, orders it to kill the captive in order to get him out of the way. Boom, we have fallen cleric, who then proceeds to try and murder our captive bounty hunter, and threaten party. Is beaten unconscious by necromancer's zombie ogre, using dwarf as a club to pummel his bison to death. In the process, sorcerer set the forest on fire.
Dwarf is tied up by necromancer, dragged along after the party by druid's dire badger. He's let loose after another battle, screaming profanities to necromancer and being informed by ranger and druid that they'll let him loose if he promises to not try anything. Sorcerer disappears somewhere during the trip to town.

Later on in town, as party is eating breakfast, town blacksmith comes in screaming about demon sword ranger left at the smithy to be upgraded (ranger was extremely proud of that sword, taken from erinyes). He's informed sword is destroyed, and demands compensation. Blacksmith hits the ranger. During ranger and blacksmith exchanging blows, dwarf walks up and tries to hit blacksmith in the back with his warhammer, ranger jumps in to stop the blow. Necromancer walks out of the tavern, not wanting to partake in the fight itself. Druid's badger tries to grapple dwarf in order to get him to stop, and dwarf answers with critical hit, almost dropping it. Druid goes crazy and attacks dwarf along with ranger, and hearing badger scream in pain and druid in rage, necromancer comes back in, and blinds dwarf with a spell to stop him. Dwarf is beaten unconscious and captured by city guard.

Druid declares that dwarf as good as dead to her, but goes with ranger and necromancer go to see what he has to say for himself. Dwarf apologizes and claims that he doesn't know what madness took him over. Later, when rest of the group, including druid, discuss with guard captain, it seems dwarf might get free in few days. Druid requests that if he's released, guards make sure he can't harm anyone again, by atleast cutting his hands off. Ranger and necromancer agree dwarf has no place in the party anymore. Sorcerer is still missing.

Next morning, very pale captain of the guard comes to party's inn to report that dwarf has died during the night. Druid refuses to see the dwarf again, so necromancer and ranger go to see what's happened. At prison, they're shown every prisoner, and few guards, dead, devoured alive by thousands of spiders. Dead spiders litter the floor around the area. After short conversation with the captain, yielding no information about what happened, one of dead spiders is taken to druid for inspection. She confirms they're not from this region, and are magical. Sorcerer appears back to town about hour later, covered in ash. Party develops into series of theories about who is the murderer, while sorcerer starts to prepare sermon and funeral pyre for the dwarf.

Who did I play?

Spoiler: Solution

Show

I was playing the dread necromancer. When dwarf was captured, I sent my imp to scout out to be able to tell from outside which cell the dwarf was placed in. Then, during the night, I snuck out, found the cell window, and summoned spider swarm on it. After that, I simply focused on the spell for next half an hour while walking back to inn.

[EvilAnagram]

During a 4e campaign we ran a module from Encounters. I was playing a Changeling Chaos Sorcerer with a wisdom of 8. I named her Prudence.

Some highlights:

• For the first two levels, I wouldn't choose what power I used. My concept was that Prudence didn't really understand how her magic worked... it just did. So I would roll a d4 and use whichever power it landed on. This worked out well once or twice.
• After meeting with a local noble, I decided that he was a **** hole. I then proceeded to spread that through the city, which was undergoing a good bit of political turmoil and unrest. Cue large pieces of phallic graffiti appearing on buildings near his holdings.
• I turned into an old man and promised urchins that I would pay the money to spread graffiti and rumors about that noble. The urchins did not get paid. They never found out it was me.
• Rather than focus on the adventure, we plotted the destruction of the noble's manor for the first three sessions. Many died due to our negligence.
• I accidentally caused a minor riot by casting my chaos bolt at a thief when his allies were nearby.
• The first time we almost accomplished an actual goal, we accidentally burned down a warehouse, incensed the local guards, and ruined the documents we were trying to retrieve.
• The second time we almost accomplished a goal, a recent add-on to the party burnt down the house we were in, killing everyone who lived there and severely scorching the rest of the party. She was shocked that we turned her in to the guards.
• I was offered strange drugs at a society party in which we were supposed to be gathering intel. I took them and ended up freezing a couple guests. This amused the host. Wisdom of 8.
• Even though the rest of the party was trying to help the local guards, the party rogue was helping the thieves guild. And was far more successful.
• I offered a massive bribe in a high-crime area of the city in exchange for information about a crime. My DM asked for a Diplomacy check. I said hell no and rolled Bluff. When my informant demanded payment, I told him the local guards would supply it and walked away.
• I tried to put out a fire by casting a power that had a random damage type, with a 1/6 chance of it being cold. It ended up being more fire. Wisdom of 8.
• Eventually, we took initiative and tried to secure evidence of a crime in progress, forgetting to stop the crime, and letting half the nobility of the city die in a massive explosion.
• When we finally faced the avatar of the god of murder, I critted and killed him on my first turn, before he got to act.
• After failing in every way possible, then murdering the murder god, I became a local folk hero and built a phallic monument outside the noble's house to piss him off.

And thus ends the tale of Prudence.

[It Sat Rap]

Have you ever encountered players so greedy that they put Uncle Scrooge to shame?

My group was roaming through a dungeon inhabited by frost giants. We came across a huge door made out of adamantine. We had to solve a puzzle to open the door but the GM was afraid we would simply break open the door, ignoring the puzzle. So he thought it would be a good idea to declare that the door is made out of the hardest material in the world so we have no chance to break it and solve the puzzle instead.

As I told you, the dungeon was inhabited by frost giants, and to solve the puzzle, you have to be able to understand the giant language. However, the DM didn't foresee that nobody in the party was able to speak giant and our casters didn't had any spells prepared to accomplish that either.

As the DM realised that we are stuck infront of the door, he had to change his plan. A frost giant simply opened the door from the other side not knowing that the party was waiting infront of the door. After we killed that frost giant we were able to move forward but then the players realized that they have a HUGE GIANT-SIZED DOOR COMPLETETLY MADE OUT OF ADAMANTINE infront of them. That thing surely is worth a lot! So the players declare that they try to take the door out of its hinges and drag it out of the dungeon. The GM said that the door is too heavy for us to lift, but we calculated our carrying capacity together and proved that we are able to drag the door if we are working all together. However, we could only move one square around and it took hours for our characters to drag that huge piece of loot out of the dungeon. Of course we were exhausted after that, but who cares, we have a huge door made out of adamantine!

Later we returned back into the dungeon. After the bossfight we found the treasure room and stuffed our pockets. At the end of the session we divided the loot and sold the stuff we don't need. Turns out that the most valueable piece we found in this dungeon was... a door.

I admit that our characters acted a bit unrealistic when they decided to drag a huge door around when there are enemies around but the GM did multiple mistakes in this one, too.

1. He confronted us with an unsolveable puzzle.
2. After the dungeon our characters had much more money then they should have relating to their level.
3. He underestimated how greedy players can be!
4. He underestimated how greedy players can be!!
5. He underestimated how greedy players can be!!!

[Sajiri]

Last night I accidentally broke a boss encounter (to be fair, I didn't know it was meant to be a boss encounter)

Same game mentioned last time, my crew was sent to kick a bugbear (Garmall) off an island because he cheated on a bugbear lady we were on good terms with. Aside from the unsettling images it produced when Garmall walked out of the tent with another bugbear lady (Fess) saying "who interrupted honeymoon?" he was surprisingly easy to beat. I figured since I'd just been dumping my skillpoints into battle skills and we hadn't actually had any real combat in this game up til this session, the DM had just made it easy to see how it went for me.

The raging barbarian on my crew had been boxing with Fess while I was fighting Garmall, and he got utterly thrashed while she was completely unharmed. I wasn't expecting this to work but I tried it anyway for a laugh and said to her after killing garmall (with bluff I just happened to be dumping points into but not using it before now) 'We were doing you a favour, Garmall was a serial loverat.'

I managed to convince her with a combination of bluff, diplomacy, and a healthy dose of female empowerment (again, for a bugbear) he'd been running a scam marrying other lady bugbears and then leaving them to take advantage of another one. In the end I ended up with another friendly bugbear lady, an island to build my base on, and the dm saying 'congratulations, you were just a matt(the dm)-tier bard and broke your first boss encounter'

As it turned out, she was meant to have a special power like mine (her's being metal, the barbarian getting punched felt like he was being hit with warhammers) and I was supposed to have a difficult battle with her while my kitsune npc that sneaked along would rip open her body afterwards and steal/hide the crystal that gives those special powers so nobody but he and I knew about it. I liked my ending better.

The DM let me get away with it because I'd been too reliant on his prompts up until now and he'd been trying to encourage me to think outside the box. He just didn't expect me to handle my first boss that way.

[Braininthejar2]

In an old Warhammer adventure the party encountered a crossdressing goblin chieftain (he was actually wearing dresses and jewelry of the witch he was serving, hoping to get some of her magical powers.

Party Gnome: Don't damage that tiara, I'm sure it's expensive!

(the team fighter proceeds to score a critical hit on the goblin. The critical table comes up as "your mighty blow split's your enemy's head in two.")

A couple days later they met the witch in question. Just as the gnome announced the intent of taking her alive for interrogation, she took a single crossbow bolt, the damage die exploded and she died on the spot.

The other things the gnome managed during that campaign was buying a ballista (which the party hauled for weeks and never used), obtaining an official document stating that he is in fact a gnome and not a dwarf (gnomes being rather rare in Warhammer - he got the paper after one city introduced a tax on dwarves) and solving one complicated mystery by breaking into a house of a very important NPC ninja style and interrogating him at knife point in his own bed.

[illyahr]

Spoiler

Show

During a 4e campaign we ran a module from Encounters. I was playing a Changeling Chaos Sorcerer with a wisdom of 8. I named her Prudence.

Some highlights:

• For the first two levels, I wouldn't choose what power I used. My concept was that Prudence didn't really understand how her magic worked... it just did. So I would roll a d4 and use whichever power it landed on. This worked out well once or twice.
• After meeting with a local noble, I decided that he was a **** hole. I then proceeded to spread that through the city, which was undergoing a good bit of political turmoil and unrest. Cue large pieces of phallic graffiti appearing on buildings near his holdings.
• I turned into an old man and promised urchins that I would pay the money to spread graffiti and rumors about that noble. The urchins did not get paid. They never found out it was me.
• Rather than focus on the adventure, we plotted the destruction of the noble's manor for the first three sessions. Many died due to our negligence.
• I accidentally caused a minor riot by casting my chaos bolt at a thief when his allies were nearby.
• The first time we almost accomplished an actual goal, we accidentally burned down a warehouse, incensed the local guards, and ruined the documents we were trying to retrieve.
• The second time we almost accomplished a goal, a recent add-on to the party burnt down the house we were in, killing everyone who lived there and severely scorching the rest of the party. She was shocked that we turned her in to the guards.
• I was offered strange drugs at a society party in which we were supposed to be gathering intel. I took them and ended up freezing a couple guests. This amused the host. Wisdom of 8.
• Even though the rest of the party was trying to help the local guards, the party rogue was helping the thieves guild. And was far more successful.
• I offered a massive bribe in a high-crime area of the city in exchange for information about a crime. My DM asked for a Diplomacy check. I said hell no and rolled Bluff. When my informant demanded payment, I told him the local guards would supply it and walked away.
• I tried to put out a fire by casting a power that had a random damage type, with a 1/6 chance of it being cold. It ended up being more fire. Wisdom of 8.
• Eventually, we took initiative and tried to secure evidence of a crime in progress, forgetting to stop the crime, and letting half the nobility of the city die in a massive explosion.
• When we finally faced the avatar of the god of murder, I critted and killed him on my first turn, before he got to act.
• After failing in every way possible, then murdering the murder god, I became a local folk hero and built a phallic monument outside the noble's house to piss him off.

And thus ends the tale of Prudence.

It's so...beautiful...

[Inevitability]

A little gem (5e):

Half-elf sorcerer is looting a temple (don't ask), and comes across an imprisoned imp in a magic circle. I start describing the imp and the circle...

Me: The imp is sitting in the middle of a circle of glowing runes. Silver powder is scattered across it's borders, and...
Sorcerer: How much silver powder? What is its worth?
Me: Er... *looks up Magic Circle's description* About... 100 GP.
Sorcerer: I take it.
Me:

Needless to say, the imp escaped and the only reason the sorcerer didn't die was a natural 20 on a Persuasion check. He did get his silver powder, though.

[tvinky]

Nothing major, but this was pretty funny last night.

I'm a dragonborn (Tü'Rûhn -- because, baby, I was dragonborn to run) Paladin of the Raven Queen.

My character has been cutting off the ears of all of the humanoid creatures he has killed, making them into a necklace which he has been pulling out when he tries to intimidate. My DM finds it amusing and gave me a +1 ceremonial dagger of ear cutting from a cult of Shar last match. We also found a room full of dead bodies with a barrel of blood.

Me: "Does the blood seem tainted?"
DM: "No. It seems like regular blood."
Me: "I make sure the fallen have found their way to my Queen and take the barrel."
DM: "It's just a regular barrel of blood."
Me: "If I cover myself in it...do I get a +1 to intimidate checks?"
DM: "...You're a 7 foot dragonoid creature in full plate, covered head to toe in blood...yeah. That's worth a +1."

Cue dungeon crawl.

I find a goblin imprisoned by his own people. He points out the room where his former allies are waiting, then makes a move for my dagger. I kill him, cover myself in the barrel of blood, kick in the door to the room, and throw his lifeless, earless body clear across it.

"SURRENDER NOW OR FIND YOUR FATE, GOBLINS!"

DM: "No one sees you."
Me: "Really? No one?"
DM: "No one. But they hear a commotion and come running out."

Forward to killing 20 goblins and bloodying the goblin king.

"YOU WILL KNEEL BEFORE THE RAVEN QUEEN, OR SHE WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!"

-- botches the roll --

The goblin king turns and flees. I get an attack of opportunity.

-- botches the roll --

The goblin king escapes to a hidden passage. We can't follow him without taking an extended rest. We reluctantly rest and try to find a way to him.

We find a chamber with four goblins and two drakes. My first turn, I kill one drake. My second turn, I kill a goblin. My party dispatches another goblin and the second drake. On my third turn, I attack a goblin and use an action point to keep my "murder every time I blink" streak up. I completely crush him.

DM: "How do you kill him?"
Me: "In a single movement, I pull my ceremonial ear cutting dagger from its sheath, wrap my flail around the goblin's neck, pull it to me, and cut its ear off. I snap its neck and send it spinning to the ground."
DM: "...No, you don't. Come on. That wasn't a natural 20. You can't do that. What do you actually do?"
Me: "I ROLL VS THE GAME!"

Grab my die. Throw it to the board. NATURAL TWENTY.

DM: "...Seriously?!"
Me: "IN A SINGLE MOVEMENT-"
DM: "Okay! You do exactly what you said you did! You win vs the game!"
Me: "I turn to the remaining goblin, and I shout, 'YOU! PR--"
DM: "You're a 7 foot murdermonster covered head to toe in blood. You just mercilessly slaughtered his last ally. He immediately drops all of his weapons, falls to his knees, and offers you a trinket in exchange for his life. No rolls."

And that's how you win D&D!

that was amazing

[tvinky]

I am curently runing a game as a first timer dm.
the party consists of 2 players a wizard and a fighter.

the wizard is a thiefling called gor he has 4 in strength, yes 4 all checks -3. and 8 con. 6 hp wooh.
the fighter is a gold dwarf called theo, he is your avarage joe 12 str 10 con and so on.
the problem with theo is that he is quite greedy, he went to a blacksmith to buy a dagger for unknown reasons and succeded in a bluff check saying that "I will come back with your 2 gold tomorrow". He then proceeds to go outside the shop and piss on the front door (please don't ask) as he whoops out his pee equipment a guard walks by and grabs his neck, opens the door and tells the shop owner what happened.

The shop owner is outraged and demanded 5 gold for cleaning up the mess. Theo agrees and throws a bluff nat 20 he then tells the owner "I will come back with your 5 gold tomorrow" he is released and waits untill midnight. When the clock strikes 12 he goes to the staircase in front of the shop and ****s (yes poops) on the staircase. Theo was quite surprised when the guards came to his house the next day since he had NOT payed the 7 gold (obviously), he ran from the guards and jumped into a river. (I do not know why he chose the river) the current was quite strong and he got dragged along. Our mage Gor saw the whole thing and started to go downstream to save the retarded fighter. after 4 failed swim checks he manages to get out of the river, he got up. I threw % to see if he encountered something. 97 % wow this is not good. he is attacked by a wolf and left for dead with -3 hp.

Theo the weak wizard found him and succeeded a first aid check, so now they are stranded by the river, gor unconcious and Theo with 4 strength...

[Lord Torath]

I am curently runing a game as a first timer dm.
the party consists of 2 players a wizard and a fighter.

the wizard is a thiefling called gor he has 4 in strength, yes 4 all checks -3. and 8 con. 6 hp wooh.
the fighter is a gold dwarf called theo, he is your avarage joe 12 str 10 con and so on.
the problem with theo is that he is quite greedy, he went to a blacksmith to buy a dagger for unknown reasons and succeded in a bluff check saying that "I will come back with your 2 gold tomorrow". He then proceeds to go outside the shop and piss on the front door (please don't ask) as he whoops out his pee equipment a guard walks by and grabs his neck, opens the door and tells the shop owner what happened.

The shop owner is outraged and demanded 5 gold for cleaning up the mess. Theo agrees and throws a bluff nat 20 he then tells the owner "I will come back with your 5 gold tomorrow" he is released and waits untill midnight. When the clock strikes 12 he goes to the staircase in front of the shop and ****s (yes poops) on the staircase. Theo was quite surprised when the guards came to his house the next day since he had NOT payed the 7 gold (obviously), he ran from the guards and jumped into a river. (I do not know why he chose the river) the current was quite strong and he got dragged along. Our mage Gor saw the whole thing and started to go downstream to save the retarded fighter. after 4 failed swim checks he manages to get out of the river, he got up. I threw % to see if he encountered something. 97 % wow this is not good. he is attacked by a wolf and left for dead with -3 hp.

Theo the weak wizard found him and succeeded a first aid check, so now they are stranded by the river, gor unconcious and Theo with 4 strength...

Wait. Is Theo the weak wizard or the stupid greedy dwarf?

[SarcasticDom]

Here's a Dark Heresy story of me underestimating my friend's ingenuity/bloodlust.

The characters

GM: Me, owning the only copy of DH. It's my first time GM/DMing, and its our first DH session. Throughout the session I'm fairly open to allowing my players doing cool stuff. I also kept forgetting to roll for dodge and stuff, but the session relied on story instead of combat (only one instance of combat)

Ordos Machiavelli: With a name like this, I knew I was gonna have an interesting session. Created by the most… expressive friend, who we'll call J. J openly said that Ordos was being designed to screw with the game, so naturally he took Psyker. He was also raised on a shrine world and is extremely zealous over the Emperor. Aims to get an Eviscerator

Harlan 'Reck-em' Rector: An ex-Arbiter from a hive world, Harlan is the combat/stealth/action guy. Dual wields Las Pistols, spews the occasional one liner. Texas Ranger in Space.

PI Cassius Reeves: An ex-Arbiter, highborn. 'The-last-good-cop-in-this-city' kind of character. Investigator role. Dresses up like a 1920s detective, has Tommy gun inspired Tommy Gun.

The story

Story 1: Blind Detectives

The players go to the shop of the lead their inquisitor gave them, only to find he's missing, with his wife and shop assistant both brutally murdered in the style of one of the local gang lords. They then go upstairs to investigate.

Ordos: I role to investigate *fails* I'll burn a fate point *fails again*

Me: Well you're not an Arbiter, so maybe the others will do better.

Rector: Good point. *rolls and fails* Fate point *fails even worse*

Me: Well Cassius is the invesigator archetype.

Cassius: Yeah *rolls and fails* Oh come on! I'll burn a fate point *rolls and barely succeeds*

Me: After searching the small building for two hours, you find a small note…

Players: THATS IT?

Story 2: Dead-Ends… literally

At this point the players have got more leads on the lead's murder: gambling buddies, mistress and a brothel. They go to the mistress, talking about different questions to ask.

Me: You arrive at the relatively humble house.

Ordos: i roll a perception check *fails*

Me: You don't notice anything out of the ordinary from your attempted perception. However, all of you can see the door has obviously been barged down

Ordos: So I rolled for nothing?

*Players enter the house, weapons drawn*

Me: You see a man, who has been stabbed many times, lying dead on the floor. he is clearly the mistress' husband.

Players: Are you serious? more dead leads?

Me: You hear quick, pained breaths upstairs.

Cassius: I go upstairs.

Me: you find the mistress, laying there, almost dead.

Cassius: oh for f**ks sake.

Story 3: Phil, the group's bitch

The party go to a bar where Quor, their original lead used to gamble. Cassius and Ordos begin to play with the gambling buddies while Rector watches from across the room. The gambling buddies are a depressed officer worker, a shifty man, a guy in a leather jacket who looks tough and an old man.

Me: The shifty eyed man shuffles the card at an incredible speed.

Rector: I make a perception check to see if he is cheating *fails*

Me (as old man): Did you hear about Quor guys?

Cassius: Who is this Quor (lying, obviously)

Me (as old man): *gives information. As i do this i point out that the tough guy stares at the two PCs at the table Eventually i make them take an easy perception chech, which they pass, and they see him reaching into his jacket*

Cassius: Why don't you come outside, with us? *rolls intimidate and passes*

Me, as the tough guy: *extremely high pitched voice* Ok.

At this point the three players burst into laughter.

They interrogate this squeaky voiced man, named Phil, and Ordos manipulates his mind to make him serve them. he leads them to a local drug den, led by a guy called Dominic (improvising, I used my own name…).

Story 4: Where theres a Psyker, theres a way

The group make a basic plan: Rector will go with Phil through the front and claim to be interested in joining the gang while Ordos and Cassius climb a dumpster and enter through a window on the first floor.

A man named Tom (so 40k, wow) lets Rector and Phil in, after asking a few questions. the only question worth mentioning is 'can you shoot?'. There they meet Dominic and two other gang members, the fifth presumably in the basement cooking some stuff. Small talk ensues as the other two enter upstairs.

Me: Ordos, Cassius please take stealth checks.

*Ordos passes, Cassius doesn't*

Me, as Dominic: *hears footsteps upstairs* The f**k was that? *grabs las gun. Tom pulls out Las Pistol and aims at Rector*

And so began the stupidest fight in my short RPG history…

Ordos: The floor is quiet weak, so i attempt to smash through the floor *rolls strength and fails*

Rector: I look at Tom and say "You asked me if i could shoot. Allow me to show you. *pushes him aside and dives into cover, drawing both Pistols. He then proceeds to miss his shots*

Cassius: I go halfway down the stairs, where i can see the fighting and draw my gun.

Ordos: I draw my chainsword…

Me: And?

Ordos: I cut a circle around me.

Me: You cut through the wooden floor and fall through, landing on the table.

Que a fight where the gang members miss terribly, its revealed the players empty Phil's stub revolver and an epic sword fight between Ordos and Dominic begins on a table.

[PsychoBear]

Dwarf male Cleric: Neutral. The murderer. Referred to as "potato" by people, due to his RP activity being equal to mentioned edible object.

Putting "The murderer" as part of a character description in which we are trying to determine the murderer is a bit confusing.

[YossarianLives]

While DMing one of my players took leadership as a feat. Because of story reasons and also because the party didn't have a primary caster I decided to give him a wizard cohort. The wizard was meant to take a support role but the first spell the wizard cast (melfs acid arrow at a escaping enemy) missed the party automatically assumed that the wizard was "horrible and useless" and never let him cast a single spell again.

[Mono Vertigo]

Played In Nomine Satanis with friends and my boyfriend. We might have watched too much Archer before starting the game.
Found out that yes, we can play murderhobos in that game. (One of them being my boyfriend, newbie at tabletop RPG, who's much bigger on the storytelling than on the rolling. I'm proud.)

Some (paraphrased/translated) quotes:
"I've got a specialty in disemboweling!" (Says one of our players, grabbing an old character sheet made by a previous player.)
"So, the car skill is about how I am at driving it, or at throwing it?"
"*sees roll at character creation* Alright, so your character is sexless. You were saying he's a sex offender?" "Bah, I can work with that."
"Don't worry, I'm keeping an eye on them. Says the 17-year-old boy."
"'kay, so we were tasked with generating some buzz. That, we've managed. Even though it's not at all about the book around which we were supposed to engineer that buzz." "You guys threw a car at policemen and wrecked everything." "Well, that's bound to generate some buzz. Also, I have nothing to do with any of the wrecking!"
"The boss isn't gonna be happy."
"I could check up on you after that huge hit, having Medicine 6 and all, but I'm not going to do anything actually because you had it coming." (Repeated throughout the session.)"
"I really don't know what the neighbours are going to think. [Pause] These ones in particular, but they're [REDACTED]." "Come on, say it louder!"
"*GM, after hearing stupid idea, stares, takes the candy box on the table, and opens it* The box says NOOOOOOO." (Repeated throughout the session, and even then, that didn't prevent all the stupid stuff from taking place.)

[Dire Moose]

Zasimel, shark megalodon, samurai

Shark...samurai...WHAT.

[angeliza]

First time-poster here!
I actually played D&D 5e for the first time just yesterday, and managed to fail so epic-ly...
...just...
...just read it, and you'll know.
XD

(I apologize ahead of time for the long post.)
Tiefling Paladin named Capernaum: Me
Genderless Halfing Sourcerer named Nyx: Scotty
Gnome Wizard who's-name-escapes-me: Melody
Mage who's-name-and-race-escapes-me: Brittany
DM: My friend Catherine
Since we were all new to 5e, (and most of us to D&D in general), we were playing the module.

Now, Aside from myself and Brittany, everyone was handed random pre-made character sheets...so we wound up with three magic-wielding small people, with myself as the only tank.
No rouge-ish class.
That alone does not bode well.
However, it got worse from there.

Following the module, we all had somehow been given the task of delivering a cart full of things for a dwarf. Capernaum was there since the dwarf was friends with the priest who took her in, and said priest had insisted that she help out.
She basically does whatever this specific priest asks of her, and so there she was.
Nyx had no clue why he was there.
The Gnome-wizard was just there to make sure the "idiots" didn't mess things up.
The Mage was there for the money.
The Mage doesn't really give a crap for anything other then money.

Anyways, the gnome, being the smallest party member, was driving, with the greedy mage sitting shot gun, and Nyx riding in the back, as Nyx is barely taller then the gnome, and did not fancy being trampled.
Being the most physically able of the party, (and since my long tail would take up to much room in the cart), I followed behind it on foot.
Shortly after everyone introduces themselves, etc, everyone spots some dead horses lying in the road, full of ominous black arrows.
The Gnome stops the cart.
Nyx decides to go investigate.
The mage follows Nyx hoping to find money on the dead horses.
The DM skipped me by accident.
(I was thinking to use "divine sense" to make sure that there was nothing waiting in the bushes to kill us, but I thought it'd be rude to interrupt Scotty's investigation of the dead horses).
So yeah, mid hobbit-investigation, we all discover that there was, infact, a bunch of goblins waiting in the bushes to kill us.
Mind you, all the small, magic-weilding party members were over by the dead horses at this point, and I was still way back, behind the cart, AND I am the only warrior-ish member of the party.
So obviously, I wanted to get to my other party members quickly, but first...

DM: Roll d20 for surprise.

...I rolled an 8, nd had to sit back the first round and watch my tiny party members tangle with goblins.
(The gnome rolled low too...but the DM was nice enough not to have anything attack her while she was stunned.)
Nyx rolled a twenty, an immediately began slicing at the nearest goblin with his tiny dagger.
The Mage rolled some mid-range number and started slashing with her short sword, and it finally got to me again.

DM: What do you do?
Me: I take out my sword, and run over to where the battle is taking place, preparing fo-...
DM: ...Ok, you run over. Next?
Me: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/image...allannoyed.gif

Nyx rolls a twenty and successfully wounds the goblin, it howls in pain.
The gnome is finally able to move again, and, as we are all level 1 and none of the small magic people in my party know any spells yet, she does the first thing she can think of;

Melody: I take out my wizard staff, and hit a goblin with it, as hard as I can.
DM: You swing your staff with all your might. Roll a d20.
Melody: *rolls a 1*
DM: You miss the goblin completely, instead hitting a nearby rock and breaking your staff in two. The Goblin steps back, wondering what the heck you're trying to do.

The Mage also rolls a 6 with a d6 and is successfully stabbing her goblin.
Back to me again.

DM: What do you do?
Me: I slice at the goblin with my longsword!
DM: You slice at the goblin?
Me: *nods* With my longsword!
DM: Roll a d20
Me: *rolls 13*
DM: You miss the goblin, and due to your high strength, you wind up lodging your sword in a nearby tree. the goblin chuckles and slices it's own weapon...what's your armor strength?
Me: 18.
DM: The blade slices open your shoulder, your blood drips to the ground...you only have 4 hp left, but you continue on by the strength of your faith as a paladin in your deity. Next.

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/image...allannoyed.gif
Ok, so it goes through again, Nyx and the Mage are happily stabbing away, Nyx's player continuously getting high rolls.
As for the Gnome...

DM: What the *frack* are you doing?
Melody: I don't have a weapon anymore...I don't know WHAT to do.
DM: You're in a FOREST. There are ROCKS. There are STICKS. Choose one, and hit him with it.
Melody: Ok....I pick up a rock, and hit him with it.
DM: You pick up a jagged rock from the ground, and bring it down on a goblin's skull...roll a d20.
Melody: *rolls another really low number*
DM: *laughs* You miss, and wind up accidentally throwing the rock away...it is currently hanging out by Capernaum's sword in the tree. The goblin is laughing at your failure.
Melody: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/image...smallfrown.gif

So, it get's to me again.

DM: What do you do?
Me: I try to hit it with my sword...?
Brittany: Your sword's stuck in a tree.
Me: Oh yeah! In that case, I hit it with my sheild!
DM: Um...how about you do a strength check to pull your sword out of the tree?
Me: Um...ok...?
DM: Roll a d20.
Me: *rolls 17, with a +2 modifier*
DM: Hmm...close enough. You pull your sword from the tree. Next.

At this point, I was hoping my luck had turned around since I had FINALLY rolled a higher number.
So it goes around again. Nyx is still stabbing, and the Mage has managed to kill the goblin she was fighting, and the gnome...

DM: NOW what do you do?
Melody: I grab two sticks and rub them together to make a fire.
DM: Um...ok...roll a d20.
Melody: *rolls 6*
DM: Nothing happen except for a few splinters of wood flying off. The Goblin mocks your failure, then moves on in pursuit of your more capable party members. Next.
Melody: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/image...allannoyed.gif
It eventually got to me again, and I’m feeling a bit more confident.

DM: What do you do?
Me: I STAB IT.
DM: Ok. Roll a d20.
Me: *rolls another 13*
DM: You stab for the goblin one more, but mid swing, your shoulder gives out. You lose your balance and fall to the ground on your face. The goblin points and laughs at you, you poor, poor failed excuse for a paladin as you lie in the blood soaked dirt on the forest floor. The goblin leaves you there, and goes to raid the cart. Next.

At this point, I was both laughing, and really frustrated.
It went around the table again, Nyx/Scotty still rolling incredibly well, the mage/ Brittany was gloating over being the only one to slay a goblin, and the gnome…

Melody: I HIT IT WITH THE HOT STICKS.
DM: Umm, I really don’t think that’s going to do much…
Melody: I HIT IT. WITH. THE STICKS.
DM: Oooo-kay...roll a d20.
Melody: *rolls another 1*
DM: *laughs* You’re sticks never connect. You lose your balance mid swing fall…*rolls dice*...on the goblin. The goblin does not apreciate this, and stabs you. What’s your armor class?
Melody: ...10…
DM: OH.
Melody: ...I’m dead, arn’t I?
DM: *doesn’t want anyone to die on our first session* No! You arn’t dead, you’re just...in the negatives! You’re hp is reduced to negative 3, and you are knocked out.
Melody: But the goblin is still…
DM:...don’t worry, ONE OF YOUR PARTY MEMBERS CAN SAVE YOU. *looks meaningfully at the rest of us.*

So yeah.
The Mage saved her by distracting the goblin with swordplay, and it got back to me.

DM: You’re sword arm is too damaged to swing your blade any more. What do you do?
Me: I throw my shield at the goblin like Captain America. That takes strength, right? So my +2 modifier…
DM: Um, no. But you CAN roll for dexterity...you run up to the cart, and try to hit the goblin upside the head with your shield. Roll a d20.
Me: *rolls 1* CRAP.
DM: You run with a sudden burst of strength at the cart, leaping in the air to bash your shield into the goblin...only for the goblin to side-step your attack. You land on the opposite side of cart, once again on your face in the dirt. The goblin stops to laugh at your antics once more...you have succeeded in distracting it, but otherwise have failed to do anything useful what’s-so-ever. Next.

Nyx rolled ANOTHER TWENTY and that was the end of the session.
If only my dice loved me as much as his apparently love him...
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD